


Soul Searching

by OptimisticBeth



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Angst, Awesome Mom Leia, Ben's Backstory is Dark, Embarrassing Dad Han, F/M, Fluff, IT'S ALL INTERNAL STRUGGLES, It's practically a no burn while she's underage, No Underage Sex, Pining, Rey Has Abandonment Issues, Rey's friends are the best, Stop being surprised that this is a slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2019-05-01 16:51:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 205,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14525037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OptimisticBeth/pseuds/OptimisticBeth
Summary: Sixteen-year-old Rey finds out she’s soulmates with her English teacher -- in front of her entire class. Now the school gossips won’t leave her alone, prying for tidbits that Rey wouldn’t give them even if she had any. And she doesn’t. Because Mr. Solo is too horrified at being soulmates with an underage girl to even talk to her.(Ben does not mess around with Rey at all when she is underage. The rating is for the end, after she is 18.)





	1. Spark

Rey’s English class was silent except for the sounds of breathing and pencils scratching on test papers. Rey hadn’t finished first, but all that studying had paid off because she’d finished third. As she went to turn in her test, a little flutter of anxiety entered her, something which always happened when she got near Mr. Solo.

She _really_ didn’t want to draw his attention. Whenever he speared a student with that fierce glare of his, everyone in the vicinity wanted to duck and run for cover, because Mr. Solo, an otherwise cold bastard who never even looked up from his work when someone talked to him, would _lose his fucking shit_ if someone made a nuisance of themselves.

Rey had seen it once, at the beginning of the year, and no one had dared step out of line in his class since.

He’d thrown a _chair_ into the windows, cracking one of them.

It had been… scary.

So focused was Rey on not bothering her teacher that she failed to pay attention to her feet. It played out like slow-motion in her head when she tripped, pitched forward, and sent her test papers flying. Her chin proceeded to hit the desk, and her knees hit the floor.

Once Rey stopped seeing stars, she noticed that Mr. Solo had folded his big body into a kneeling position beside her.

When had he moved?

“Are you alright?” he asked in a tone that made her think he was repeating himself. He reached a large palm to help her up, but Rey only stared dumbly at it. She felt a little sick.

She winced when he bent further to look her in the eye, his brow furrowed. She thought idly that he had nice eyes this close, when they weren’t hidden by his reading glasses or narrowed into a scowl. Big and brown and a little bit puppyish. “I think you ought to see the nurse.” He glanced toward the class and picked someone else who’d finished their test. “You. Take her to the nurse’s office.”

Rey reached to accept Mr. Solo’s hand and let him help her to her feet, but she fell on her butt when a literal spark _fizzted_ into being at the touch.

Mr. Solo fell back, too.

The spark was blue, and another flashed between them even though they’d stopped touching, and in their world it could only mean one horrible, inevitable thing.

Rey and her English teacher… were soulmates.


	2. Paperwork

Everyone wanted to find their soulmate. In high school, it was a common obsession. There’d be hand-touching parties, and greeting someone new with a handshake took on special significance when any moment you could see that flare of blue marking you as bound to another person forever.

Rey had never given it too much thought — she had goals, _plans_ , and didn’t expect that she’d find the one person for her in as small a sample size as high school.

So when she saw sparks — literally — with Mr. Solo, the entire class erupted.

If Rey were in a book or a movie, her soulmate would have swept her off her feet and strode out of the school, gazing deeply into her eyes the whole way.

But, as Rey lived in the real world, things went _very_ differently. Mr. Solo didn’t touch her after that initial set of sparks, and he got his bearings faster than she did, standing without looking at her and attempting to cow the cheering, crowing, laughing students with a particularly frigid glare.

Rey, he sent to the principal’s office. When she asked timidly for the hall pass, he tossed it at her, the gesture filled with barely restrained violence.

There had been no instant connection. No deep, instinctive understanding. No epic romance.

Instead, Rey trudged to the office and took the first seat inside, only able to stare at her lap and shrug miserably when the school secretary asked why Mr. Solo had sent her.

When _he_ arrived — God, she didn’t even know his first name — he still wouldn’t look at her. He talked to the secretary for a moment, got a startled look in reply, and tapped his fingers impatiently as she put together a small pile of paperwork for him.

He sat too far away and started filling it all out.

Rey watched him from beneath the curtain of her hair, taking note of things she hadn’t bothered to notice before. Some girls in class had always insisted he was hot, but Rey had never seen it. His nose was too big, his face too narrow, his scowl too fierce. The unusual number of moles and freckles made him look asymmetrical somehow.

She’d noticed before how big he was, it was impossible _not_ to notice when a man could squash you with his little finger, but now she had personal reasons to take note. He couldn't hide his height or the breadth of his shoulders even hunched over the papers in his lap, pen moving efficiently as his mouth twisted to one side.

The secretary picked up her phone and made a few calls, speaking in a cheery undertone too low for Rey to overhear. When she hung up, she addressed Mr. Solo. “Your sub will be here in thirty. You have Mrs. Archer watching your class right now?”

“Yes,” he said, and there was _another_ thing Rey had never paid much attention to. His voice was deep and rich, like dark chocolate. If only he’d been speaking to _her_ and not to someone else, if only he didn’t bite his words off like they’d offended him somehow, maybe it would have been attractive. “I was giving a test.” He pushed his hand through his hair and scowled down at the paperwork in his lap. “I’ll have to draw up a new one. Goddamn zoo in there right now.”

The secretary looked at Rey. “We’ve called your guardian, he should be here soon.”

Rey’s head snapped up at that, and panic hit her in the gut. “What?” The sound of Mr. Solo's pen stopped, and she thought his head shifted minutely. If she glanced at him just then, would his eyes be on her?

“Mr. Plutt. I got hold of him at his place of business, and he’s on his way.”

Rey resisted the urge to run her hands over her face in defeat. Of course. Because today couldn’t get any more shitty. “Can I… go to the bathroom?” she asked, glancing toward the doorway as if Plutt would appear any second.

“Of course, sweetie. Right outside.” The secretary pointed, and Rey retreated gratefully.

In the solitude of the bathroom, Rey leaned on the sink and tried not to hyperventilate.

Her asshole guardian was on his way, destroying any hope Rey had of keeping this to herself. She knew he’d have plenty of snide comments when she got home later, though he’d never say them in front of others. Or maybe he’d let one slip in front of Mr. Solo and get a punch in the mouth. Cops tended to look the other way when soulmates were involved, and Mr. Solo seemed like he might punch someone if they made him mad enough.

Though, with his reactions thus far, she wondered if he’d care what Plutt had to say to or about her.

The tears started, then. She’d been holding them at bay, but now they broke free and ran down her face in thick trails, silent sobs shaking her shoulders.

She’d just found her _soulmate_ , and what was he doing? Paperwork. While pretending she didn’t _exist_. Her abandonment issues stirred and tried to shove to the forefront, but she tamped them ruthlessly down.

Rey let herself cry for a minute, just to get it out, then scrubbed her face with cold water and practiced looking normal in the mirror. “Okay,” she whispered to her reflection, willing away all traces of tears. If this had been embarrassing so far, she shuddered to think how mortifying it would be if she got caught with puffy eyes.

The spot where she’d hit her chin had bloomed an angry red. She wondered if her rarely-used concealer back at Plutt’s would cover it.

Mr. Solo had intended to send her to the nurse before he’d been sidetracked. It would be worth asking when she got back. Getting out of that office and leaving her stupid foster father and her stupid soulmate to deal with each other without her sounded good. She felt a little guilty about it, but part of her wanted to punish Mr. Solo for ignoring her, and nothing was more of a punishment than having to deal with Unkar Plutt.

She went back to the office, straight to the secretary, and asked softly if she could go to the nurse. Rey gestured to her chin as explanation, and in her periphery she saw Mr. Solo’s dark head come up.

“Shit,” she heard him mutter. “Sorry,” he said louder, not quite looking at her and not standing, either. “I forgot about that. Go ahead and take the pass. Come back here when you’re done.”

Rey nodded, feeling a mix of relief, anger, and disappointment.

At least he’d spoken to her. That was progress, right?

She sighed as she plodded toward the nurse, not in any hurry to arrive.

He’d spoken to her like he would any other student. Rey decided to give him the benefit of the doubt — it _was_ a pretty big deal, and she supposed everyone coped in their own way. She wasn’t even sure what _exactly_ she wanted from him.

An acknowledgment would be nice. Some sort of indication that he realized what all of this meant. Or how about some reassurance? Would that be so _goddamn hard_? He was supposed to be the adult, here, and all he’d done was stick his nose in some papers and make her feel like absolute shit.

“Asshole,” she muttered, wishing the hall had debris she could kick. Plutt's junkyard _always_ had debris, and Rey had gotten very good at taking her frustration out on it.

Plutt would be pissed that he had to come all the way to school to deal with her shit. He hated leaving his place, sure some idiot would show up _right then_ with a treasure he could low-ball them on. His assistants, two huge guys built for manual labor and intimidation, didn't have half his business acumen. They'd keep the place open, but they were as likely to lose money on any transaction as to make money.

* * *

Ben was freaking out. The moment those blue sparks had erupted on his skin and set off an explosive reaction in his classroom, he'd known his life was over.

 _Sixteen_.

It just _had_ to be a sixteen-year-old girl.

There were loopholes for soulmates, he knew that. Society bent the rules until they were unrecognizable, so long as you could prove those blue sparks had occurred.

He could even get a special marriage license if he wanted — sixteen meant she didn't even need parental approval, not for a soulmate.

No, society wasn't the problem.

He was.

Sixteen was beyond him. He couldn't imagine being with an underage girl, especially not with _ten years_ between them.

If he was eighteen, _maybe_ twenty.

But ten years made it bad. _Really_ bad.

He'd had no idea what to do with the girl, so he'd focused on the paperwork. He had to fill out a report of the incident and request that she be transferred to a different class, standard protocol for teacher-student soulmates. He'd heard of a few on the news, the soulmate angle and taboo mingling for a juicy story. His school had even covered it as part of their sexual harassment training, which focused on how to shut down an infatuated student but included what to do if a soulmate connection occurred. He always paid attention to the refresher training because he'd had to nip crushes in the bud a handful of times in the four years he'd been teaching. Of course, he was far harsher in his rejections than the training required because he thought sixteen-year-old girls interested in a full grown man were stupid.

Ben didn't have time for stupid, and he had never, not once, entertained fantasies about any of his students. It was unprofessional, immoral, and creepy as hell.

He understood that his role of authority appealed to some girls, as did his relative youth and the lack of a ring on his finger, but their interest had only ever irritated him. He'd even looked forward to getting older and uglier so he'd have fewer issues. Mr. Vidler, the band director, had certainly never been propositioned since he got old enough to look like a warty potato.

So why had the universe decided to fuck with him now? In this way? With… Rey. That was her name. She'd been a good student, not memorable except that she'd never made it onto his mental shit list. Her papers hadn't stood out from the crowd, which in Ben's experience meant they hadn't been memorably _bad_ , and he'd have to check his grading software but he thought that she turned her homework in on time and done correctly.

It wasn't much to go on.

He added _quiet_ to the list when she sat nervously waiting for someone to tell her what to do next. He recalled that she'd raised her hand sometimes in class, though, so probably not _timid_. And she had an accent, something he’d never paid attention to before. British, he thought.

The anxiety in her voice when Mrs. Blucher told her her guardian was on the way had given Ben pause. He'd glanced at her, taking in details he ought to leave well enough alone. Brown hair, athletic build, tall for a girl her age. He recalled freckles from the moment their hands touched and the soulmate bond flared to life.

Fucking freckles.

 _Sixteen_ , he reminded himself.

He was relieved when she left.

Less relieved when he realized he'd forgotten her injury. He'd kept his eyes to himself, like a responsible and non-creepy adult, and hadn't seen the blooming bruise on her chin.

Looking at it after she'd asked Mrs. Blucher — not him — for permission to see the nurse had given him a sick, sinking feeling that he'd tried not to examine too closely. He'd sent her on her way and fought the urge to follow and make sure she was okay.

Twenty minutes later, a plump, bald, saggy-skinned man who looked like nothing so much as a walking penis entered the school office and aggressively gave the bell on Mrs. Blucher's desk a tap, even though she was sitting right there.

“What's that girl done now?”

“Well, nothing,” said a flustered Mrs. Blucher. “She's not in trouble.” She glanced at Ben, who'd zeroed in on the conversation. “You're Mr. Plutt? Rey's guardian?”

The walking penis stuffed his hands into the pockets of his dirty overalls. “Foster father. Yup.” He frowned. “So if she hasn't done anything wrong, why did you drag me away from work? I've got customers counting on me, you know. I can't just up and walk away whenever you feel like it, I have bills to pay, mouths to feed.”

It felt as if the man was getting on a roll, so Ben stood and removed his reading glasses, placing them neatly in the pocket of his slacks. He usually avoided using his height against anyone, choosing to slouch and hunch in on himself to make others more comfortable, but just then he didn't feel like slouching. Or hunching. Or staying out of this asshole’s personal space.

Ben got close enough to breathe down Plutt's neck and offered the secretary a tight smile. “Need a hand, Mrs. B?”

To Ben's immense satisfaction, the other man moved away.

It was a juvenile power play, but Ben had never claimed to be the most mature adult. He leaned one hip against the counter, making it difficult for Plutt to talk to Mrs. Blucher without including him in the conversation.

Mrs. Blucher smiled back with a scolding light in her eye. She knew what he was doing. “Mr. Solo, just the person we needed. I’d like to introduce you to Mr. Plutt, Rey’s guardian.”

Ben offered a hand, jaw clenched as he forced his lips to approximate a smile.

Plutt took it, stared Ben in the eye, and tightened his grip.

Ben tightened his own, more than up to the challenge. He hadn’t had a pissing contest like this in years, but it was easy, instinctive.

Plutt’s grip wasn’t weak. He was a man who worked with his hands, and his stupid meaty paws had the callus and muscle of hard labor.

Ben had size on his side, but he’d be lying if he said his bones weren’t starting to creak when Mrs. Blucher cleared her throat and looked pointedly between them.

Ben let go, and so did Plutt, who smirked like he’d won.

 _Fat chance,_  Ben thought.

Mrs. Blucher told Plutt in her sweetest, most gentle voice, “Mr. Solo here is Rey’s soulmate.” Plutt’s ugly face went blank with surprise. Before he could gather his wits, Mrs. Blucher pressed on. “School policy requires us to inform a parent or guardian when this sort of thing happens. You can understand that this is a delicate situation, what with Mr. Solo being a teacher here.”

When Plutt looked back at Ben, it was to rake his disbelieving gaze from head to toe and back again. “Always figured she’d get some scrawny, pimply little asshole.” His mouth shifted like he was chewing cud — or the inside of his cheek — and his eyes went shark-flat. “What do you teach?”

Ben’s hands tried to curl into fists. “English Lit.”

Plutt snorted dismissively. “Figures.” He slapped one of those meaty hands down on the counter and looked at Mrs. Blucher. “What do we do now?”

She slid a pen and clipboard across the desk with a customer service smile. “There are a few forms we need you to fill out.”

* * *

Rey returned from the nurse with literally nothing to show for her trip. There’d been nothing to do for the bruise, and the nurse didn’t have the authorization forms to give Rey any pain medication, so she’d just checked Rey for a concussion and gave her the option to lie down for a bit if her head hurt.

Rey, who hadn’t mentioned anything to the nurse about what was happening in the office, opted to spend twenty minutes lying on the hard bench the nurse called a bed. She wished she could say those twenty minutes had been peaceful, but her stomach had been twisted in knots the whole time. The bell had rung for class change, and then five minutes later it had rung again, and Rey could imagine her classmates spreading the news across the school like a virus, infecting everyone they came into contact with. Those would then infect everyone _they_ came into contact with. She’d be surprised if the whole school didn’t know after one more period.

By the time Rey gave up on resting and told the nurse goodbye, she felt worse than she had when she’d arrived. She walked slowly through the empty halls and stopped at the last corner before stepping into view of the office. It seemed as good a place as any to fortify her courage. Rey leaned against the wall and let her head thump back.

“God-fucking-damnit,” she muttered. A janitor down the way gave her a curious glance but left her alone.

She felt like crying again, but Plutt would pick up on red-rimmed eyes and store it away for later. She couldn’t give him any ammunition, so she thought about engine parts, how they went together, and the soothingly familiar scent of oil. She did complex calculations in her head, the sort of trick that had gotten her noticed in the math and science departments, and felt her heart rate slow and her thoughts calm.

She rounded the corner and entered the office.

Whatever Rey had expected to find, it was not Unkar Plutt and Mr. Solo sitting quietly (if far apart) and filling out paperwork.

She eyed them suspiciously, and Plutt looked up at her.

“C’mere girl, help me with this.”

Rey sat beside Plutt and accepted the clipboard. Paperwork was something she helped out with around the junkyard. Plutt hated it, and his goons were too stupid to do it correctly. He jokingly called it “earning her keep.”

He made that joke about a lot of things.

Rey finished the forms and handed them back to Plutt, careful not to touch him. “You need to sign them,” she said softly.

He signed the top page and flipped to the next.

“On the back,” she said. “And the bottom of the next.”

“Yeah, yeah, I see it.”

Rey pressed her lips together, restraining an eyeroll.

Plutt stood up with the clipboard and plopped it in front of the school secretary, who glanced over the paperwork and gave him a nod.

“Thank you, Mr. Plutt, everything looks in order. Rey, dear, you can decide whether you’d rather head home for the day or stay and finish your classes.”

Rey blinked. She hadn’t considered that she’d be allowed to leave school, but now that she thought about it, it sounded like a good idea. She didn’t relish the thought of facing all those whispers. “I think I’d like to go home,” she said, keeping her face as neutral as possible.

The secretary smiled and began to fill out a piece of yellow paper. “I’ll need you to take this form and have your teachers sign it. Then you and Mr. Plutt can head home.”

Rey tried not to fidget as she waited for the secretary to finish and hand her the form. She was _too_ aware of her soulmate sitting behind her, the sound of his pen scratch-scratching across her consciousness. When the secretary finally handed her the form, Rey thanked her and turned to leave.

“Hurry up, then, girl,” said Plutt. “Gotta get back to work.”

Rey bit back a snarky reply and gave a tight nod instead. She found that she really didn’t want Mr. Solo to think of her as some snotty teenager, and her irritation with Plutt would make her look like a bitch.

Rey didn’t dally on her mission. Aside from not wanting to deal with the bad mood Plutt was sure to be fermenting even now, she didn’t want to face the craned-necked stares and whispers as she talked to her teachers. To minimize contact, she knocked on the door and made the teachers come to her, even though it clearly pissed some of them off.

Rey didn’t try to explain her situation, even when Mrs. Owens gave her a hard time about the quiz. Instead, she relied on her bruised face to tell a story and lead her teachers to the wrong conclusions.

Signatures in hand, Rey walked briskly back to the office and handed the completed form to the secretary.

“Finally,” Plutt muttered as if she'd taken an eternity. He gripped her elbow in sausage-fat fingers and tugged her toward the door. “Come on, let's go.”

Rey tossed a desperate look in Mr. Solo's direction, still hoping for _something_. Surely he would speak to her before she left, wouldn't just let her go, but even though he glanced up for a split second before Plutt propelled her out of the office, his face remained impossible to read.

She glanced over her shoulder as Plutt hustled her to the front doors, waiting for Mr. Solo to catch up so he could say goodbye, maybe rub the back of his neck awkwardly while she blushed and stared at her shoes.

But that didn't happen.

Nor did he appear in the parking lot, out of breath as he stopped Plutt's truck so Rey could roll down her window and let him tell her… something. Whatever it was she needed to hear, he would say it, and the world would right itself again.

But that didn’t happen, either. Nothing happened. Nothing except Plutt grumbling all the way back to the junkyard as Rey stared out her window and willed herself not to cry.

* * *

Ben felt like he’d done something wrong. The look she’d thrown him, that confused, unmoored, _hurt_ expression as Plutt hauled her out of the room, it had tugged at his heartstrings.

But he couldn’t worry about that just then. He had too many things to do, and he still had to figure out how to handle the entire situation.

He realized that Rey had gotten equally screwed by this universal fuckup. He ought to do something nice for her, to commiserate, except she'd probably read the wrong things into it.

Ben Solo was not a _romantic_ man. The two dates he'd ever endured had been lackluster and uncomfortable for both parties and had not led to anything more than a goodnight handshake. Both dates had been with intellectual college girls willing to overlook the lack of blue sparks, but they'd lost interest when they saw what a sweaty, uncomfortable wreck he was in romantic situations.

He'd sworn off dating afterward. Even the girls who thought, like him, that they would never find their soulmate weren’t interested in getting to know him, and random hookups hadn’t been what he’d wanted.

He’d wanted a connection. Someone to help make the loneliness bearable.

Rey might be that person — popular wisdom would insist she was the _only_ person who could make him happy; Ben thought popular wisdom was full of shit — but she was still a teenage girl.

She probably expected flowers and protestations of love and some grand sappy _gesture_. She wouldn’t be able to understand how inappropriate it would be for him to pursue her just then. How creepy and just… awkward.

He wondered if she shared the same teacher-student fantasies as the girls who'd approached him in the past. The thought made him cringe, that she might be one of those stupid girls who got their ideas about relationships from modern entertainment.

“Oh, yes,” he muttered on the way to his car, “I'd love to fuck you, just let me text the school superintendent so I can lose my job _and_ get arrested _all at the same time_. It'll save a lot of trouble that way.”

He rolled his eyes and jingled his keys in his hand.

He needed to swing by city hall and pick up the paperwork to register himself as Rey's soulmate. He didn't intend to do anything about their personal connection until she graduated, but registering would give both of them certain rights and protections. It gave him access to the marriage option, but that wasn't going to happen for obvious reasons. Society would also look the other way about sex so long as she wasn't _very_ young. (Something else that was not going to happen.) Most who trended that way skipped over the legal headaches by getting married. It was controversial either way, mostly because of people like Ben who thought underage was underage no matter what, who hated the idiots who thought soulmates should be able to throw the rulebook out the window and do whatever they wanted.

_Stupid fuckers._

But registering would also allow him to address more practical considerations.

If Ben got into it with someone over Rey, he'd be less likely to get arrested. Everyone knew — or at least believed, Ben himself was skeptical — that soulmates got stupidly protective of each other, plus insanely jealous, and sometimes it flared into violence. He often wondered if they just used that as an excuse to act like assholes.

Ben was an asshole, but he never bothered to make excuses for himself.

The most appealing part of registering as soulmates, however, was that he’d gain the right to challenge her legal guardian in court over decisions regarding her welfare.

That seemed like it might come in handy, after meeting Plutt.


	3. Redirected Aggression

Rey retreated to the depths of the junkyard when she got home so that she could finally be alone and away from prying eyes. When she settled onto a cinder block in a little alcove formed by junked cars on two sides and a chain link fence on the third, she checked her phone. She had several texts from Finn asking if the rumors were true and holy shit and was she okay.

Rey smiled in spite of herself and typed out a quick reply. _Yes. I’m fine. Come over after school?_

 _Everyone?_ he replied.

_Sure._

Rose and Poe were more Finn’s friends than hers, but she’d bonded with them enough that she didn’t mind them hearing the story from her. _Especially_ when the alternative was to get it from the gossips.

Rey dug out her homework — none of her teachers would give her a pass just because she was irrevocably bonded to one of their colleagues — and set to work, determined to get through it all before Finn arrived.

At least she didn’t have anything to do for English. Mr. Solo liked to bury her class with busywork, a trait that hadn’t endeared him to _anyone_.

It might actually be a relief to get out of his class.

Rey shucked her polo shirt — part of the loosely-termed “school uniform” — and sat in her white tank top and khakis as the sun warmed her shoulders and the facts and figures came under her control.

She finished at roughly the same time school let out, and she stood and stretched, going onto her tiptoes and spinning with hands high over her head so she could tip her face up to the light.

Plutt let her have this space to tinker so long as she did her chores, kept out of his way, and he didn’t need it for something else.

The central focus of the area was a practice dummy she’d built out of scrap metal, a big red grin painted across its coffee can face. A long piece of pipe leaned against it.

Rey’s last foster parent had been an old lady who’d lived over a dojo. Maz had gotten a discount to enroll Rey in the dojo’s Bojutsu class, a martial art that focused on fighting with a bo staff.

Rey had attended every class and used the space to practice at night, an arrangement she’d made with the dojo's owner in return for cleaning the equipment, but she hadn't advanced far before poor old Maz passed away.

It still hurt to think about.

Rey picked up her makeshift staff and started her routine. Over the years she’d adapted what she’d learned in that class into her own unique style. She had no illusions that it would hold up against a trained bo fighter, but it would let her kick the ass of the average bungling moron.

A fact she’d already proven with one of Plutt’s big stupid thugs when he got drunk and thought he’d use her as a punching bag.

They’d _all_ given her space after that, though Rey thought Plutt may have told them to stay away from her. She knew he didn’t want the cops snooping around the junkyard on a child endangerment charge, had seen when she'd helped with his paperwork that not everything he did was wholly legal. He probably thought she was too stupid to understand it, to see the truth.

Rey kept her mouth shut and pretended to be ignorant. He was difficult enough to live with without making herself a target, and his petty crimes weren’t any of her business.

When Finn and the others arrived, Rey had worked up a light sweat, making her tank top cling to her skin. She flapped it to cool off and stood leaning on her long pipe as the others gathered around.

“What _happened_?” asked Finn the moment he saw her, dropping his backpack by the cinder blocks.

Rey rested her forehead against the cool metal of her makeshift staff and glanced sheepishly up at Finn. “I tripped, and he helped me up.” She flicked her fingers open to imitate an explosion. “Sparks.”

“Wow,” said Rose, who’d settled down onto one of Rey’s cinder block seats. “What’s it like?”

Rey shrugged and spun her staff, examining her practice dummy and wondering if it needed better reinforcements. “No big revelation or anything. Just sparks and then a bunch of paperwork.”

“But, like, what did he say?”

Rey shrugged again, gaze switching to her shoes as she tried to exude nonchalance. “Nothing.”

Finn frowned. “What do you mean, nothing?”

“I mean nothing. He didn’t say anything. Didn’t even look at me, really, just started doing paperwork.” Rey prodded the practice dummy with her staff, beginning a light patter of strikes to avoid looking at anyone. She could see them sharing worried glances out of the corner of her eye.

“So he didn’t…”

Rey hit the dummy harder. “Nope.”

“Not a word?”

She slammed her pipe into the dummy’s face in answer.

“Wow.”

Rose leaned forward, her brow crinkled in confusion. “So, like, no meaningful looks? What about longing glances? Do you think he was looking at you when _you_ weren’t looking? That can happen.” Rose nodded as if this was a common thing that people did and not something she’d just made up.

Rey rolled her eyes. “I’m _very_ sure there were no ‘longing glances.’ Maybe a ‘Oh, hey, I forgot you might have a concussion, go see the nurse’ sort of thing, but that's all. He treated me like any old student.” She planted one end of her pipe on the ground and thought about it. “No, not even that. Another student probably would have had more of his attention.”

“He was avoiding you on purpose,” guessed Finn.

Rey tapped the side of her nose and pointed at Finn with a wink. “Give the man a prize.”

She went back to pummeling her practice dummy, her limbs loose and strikes sure. “It’s not like I want to have his babies or anything,” Rey grunted. “It’d just be nice to know that _he_ knows I’m alive. Maybe acknowledge what happened. Or, like, _a sentence_ every now and then. It’s not. That. Fucking. _Complicated_.” She punctuated each word with a strike to the metal dummy, ending on a savage upward stroke that cracked screeching against the dummy’s groin.

The boys winced.

“Remind me never to piss you off,” said Poe.

Rey cursed when she realized her practice dummy had a wobble now. She dropped her pipe and crouched to look at the rusted steel holding it all up. One of the bolts had come loose, making the whole thing jiggle when she nudged it.

“Finn, go grab my toolbox?”

Finn turned on his heel and froze. “Oh!” he said too loudly. “Hi, Mr. Solo!”

Rey stood and turned slowly. Her soulmate stood at the entrance of the little alcove, looking around with a frown. Finally, he met Rey’s eye and hefted a folder. “I have paperwork.”

Rey gave him a chipper smile with gritted teeth. She probably looked deranged, compounded by the hollow, threatening brightness of her next words. “Of _course_ you do!”

He frowned at her, expression wary.

Rey held out her hand for the folder, stubbornly not moving so that he’d have to step into the alcove, something he obviously didn’t want to do. The thought of making him uncomfortable appealed to her just then. “Come on, then.” To Finn, she said, “Toolbox?”

Finn glanced between Rey and Mr. Solo, clearly not wanting to miss this, but then Rose hopped up brightly and dragged Poe with her. “We’ll all go get it!”

Finn sighed and let himself be swept along. “In your room, right?”

Rey nodded. “You know the way.”

Her soulmate’s gaze sharpened on Finn at that, and Rey dropped her hand and put it her hip. No. He would _not_ be allowed to get pissy that her best friend knew where her room was. Not after his display earlier.

“Paperwork?” she said after the others were gone.

He cleared his throat, not looking directly at her now but somewhere in the direction of the dirt at her feet, the cinder block seats, and the training dummy behind her. He moved toward her then, every step steeped in reluctance, and held out the folder with his arm fully extended. “Read over it first. I marked the spots where you need to add your information and sign.”

Rey took the folder and went to the concrete blocks, sitting down and crossing her legs as her soulmate examined the space, stalking around her training dummy and almost tripping on her makeshift staff.

Though she knew all the paperwork he’d been doing had to do with _her_ , and with _them_ , it still surprised her to have the proof in her hands. For a man who couldn’t quite look at her, he’d spent a large amount of time that day performing tasks related to their situation.

Rey took her time looking over the paperwork, reading the description he'd written about their bond’s first flare. The space for this was larger than any of the other form boxes, and he'd used a fraction of it. It was barely two sentences, just the place and time of the incident with no personal details. He hadn't even bothered to note that he'd been helping her up or that she'd injured herself.

Rey blinked back disappointment only to suck in a breath when she glanced at the section he’d filled out with his personal information.

 _Benjamin_.

His name was Benjamin.

With a shaky hand, Rey dug in her backpack for a pen to fill out her part. Only when she got most of the way through did she realize that she needed her social security card to finish. It was hidden in her room, at the bottom of her toolbox.

On a hunch, Rey raised her head and called, “Finn?”

From the other side of the stack of crushed cars, she heard a timid, “Yeah?”

Rey smiled to herself. So predictable. “You got it?”

The three of them appeared a moment later, looking sheepish. Finn did indeed have her toolbox, and Rose approached Rey to whisper, “I tried to keep them longer. Did you have enough time?”

Rey shrugged. She doubted anything would have happened even with _hours_ at her disposal.

“Bring it over here,” she told Finn, who lugged it over and dropped it at her feet.

Rey leaned over to grab a tiny key out of her backpack so she could unlock the sturdy toolbox. Plutt had better tools than her, but that hadn’t stopped hers from going walkabout.

She opened the lid and lifted the little tray out so she could dig at the bottom for her social security card. It had an oil blotch on one corner from the time she’d been in a hurry and hadn’t cleaned her soiled wrench before putting it back and a bend in the middle from being squashed; otherwise, the card still had mostly-crisp edges.

Rey copied the number down onto her paperwork, then stuck the card back under her tape measure. She signed the forms and noted a space beside hers for a parent or guardian’s signature.

Rey snapped the folder shut and capped her pen. _Benjamin_ waited by her practice dummy, and she handed it over without touching him. “ _You_ can be the one to get Plutt’s signature.”

He grimaced but didn't respond, just pulled his reading glasses out and flipped the folder open to check her work.

Rey resisted the urge to roll her eyes. This wasn’t his English class; she knew how to fill out a damn form.

“Okay,” he said when he finished, tucking his glasses back into his pocket.

“Great.” Rey walked back to her tool box and grabbed what she needed to fix the loose bolt. “Finn, hold the dummy steady while I tighten the loose bolt.”

“You’re a _mechanic_?”

The disdain in Benjamin’s voice made Rey pause and lift her gaze to his. Softly, dangerously, she asked, “You have a problem with mechanics?”

He opened his mouth, but nothing came out, and Rey saw it dawn on him how deep of a hole he’d just dug himself.

“We should leave,” said Rose, pushing Finn and Poe toward the exit.

“But I wanna see him get his ass kicked,” said Poe.

Benjamin’s head swiveled toward her friends. “Excuse me?”

Poe raised his hands. “No offense. I’d like to see Rey kick literally anyone’s ass. She can, too, she’s already beat up someone way bigger than y—”

“Shut _up_ , Poe,” Rey snapped.

“And I didn’t even get to see it, so—”

Rey fixed Poe with a pointed glare. “I am about to give you a blow-by-blow.”

He paused, gave her a thumbs up, and strode toward the exit, leaving Rose and Finn to follow.

Finn mouthed _Text me later_  before they disappeared from view.

Rey returned her gaze to the irritating man in front of her.

He shifted his weight.

“Do you. Have a problem. With mechanics?”

He blew out a breath, brow furrowing as he frowned and looked in the direction her friends had gone. She wondered if he wished he could leave, as well, but finally he said, “Not with you.” He flicked his thumbnail across the edge of the folder. He scowled as he admitted, “My dad is a mechanic.” His gaze zeroed in on her, sudden and intense. “What was that about you beating someone up?”

She lifted her chin, wishing she had her staff in her hands so she’d seem more intimidating. “It was self-defense.”

His gaze sharpened further. “And why, exactly, did you have to defend yourself?”

Rey rolled her eyes, heart picking up as she realized how dangerous this territory was. She couldn’t tell him that the man who’d attacked her still worked at the junkyard. He’d get her yanked out of Plutt’s home and placed elsewhere, and she couldn’t afford to change schools in the middle of her junior year, not with all the work she’d put into her classes and her science project. She couldn’t absorb a dip in her grades just then if she was to get enough scholarships to go to college. “It was just some drunk guy. I handled it.”

He leaned toward her, his tone dropped a full octave, and Rey thought she ought to feel afraid of the violence radiating off of him. “Who?”

Rey took a fortifying breath and turned to her training dummy. “Hold this steady for me,” she said, crouching by the loose bolt and grabbing the rusty bolt head with her wrench as she tightened the newer lug nut. After a moment, Benjamin’s feet came into view and the shaking structure steadied.

Once the nut and bolt had been sufficiently tightened, Rey stepped back and dropped her tools back into the toolbox.

She turned, but she didn’t feel angry anymore as she watched Benjamin examine the structure he’d just helped fix.

“What is this thing?”

“Practice dummy.” She pressed her lips together and offered, “Wanna give it a few wacks?”

He eyed it dubiously.

“That pipe, there. By your feet. Pick it up and hit the dummy. I need to stress test that bolt, anyway.”

“Who, Rey?” he asked, gaze still on the dummy.

Her eyebrows rose. “So you _do_ know my name.” His jaw flexed, and Rey should _not_ find that sexy. She put it out of her mind. “I didn’t tell them, and I’m not telling you. Now pick up that pipe and hit something.” She tilted her head, remembering her manners. “Please.”

He picked up the pipe. “Was it Plutt?”

“No.” She swallowed, anxious for him to believe her even though it was the truth. “No, he’s never laid a hand on me.”

His brown eyes flicked her way. “He’s a complete asshole.”

Rey laughed, relieved to hear someone else say it, and his gaze lingered on her. “Yes. Yes, he is. Now, are you going to hit that thing or are we waiting for it to rust to death?”

He swung the pipe, more power than finesse, and Rey stepped back to give him room. His blows on the practice dummy took on more energy, more ferocity as he continued, and Rey felt her eyes widen at the fury he poured into his strikes. His hair got in his face, but he ignored it and just kept hitting and hitting until the bad bolt gave way with a loud _crack_ and the dummy clanged heavily to the side.

They both stood there, staring at the felled metal man with nothing but Benjamin’s panting breath filling the space between them.

Rey walked over and put a gentle hand on his arm, keeping it there even when he jumped and stared like he’d forgotten she was there. She looked up at him and asked, “Are you okay?”

He seemed bewildered by her concern. He shook his head, dropped the pipe, and picked up the folder where he’d left it on the ground nearby. “No. No, I’m really not.”

He started to leave, but Rey couldn’t just let it end like this. “Is it me?” she called. When he turned to glance back, she took a step forward and said, “Is it my fault?”

She saw his posture change. One hand twitched toward her. “No. No, _none_ of this is your fault.”

His voice was so firm, so sure, that she almost believed him.

* * *

Ben went to his mother’s house after getting Plutt's signature. There was a full-size punching bag in the garage from when his dad had installed it during his teenage years. “An outlet for all that broody angst,” Han had laughed.

Ben had found it so therapeutic that he’d taken boxing lessons in college. Not that he’d ever admit to Han that the old man had done something useful for once.

Ben taped up his hands and pummeled the bag until his mind felt blissfully blank and his body wanted to give out.

“Bad day?” asked his mom. She was sitting on the steps to the kitchen, watching him with a soda in her hand. He didn't know how long she'd been there, didn't care. He leaned his forehead against the punching bag and ignored the sweat that dripped from his hair into his eyes and down the back of his neck.

Once he caught his breath, he walked over and sat one step below his mother as he unwrapped his hands. The one step difference brought her height closer to his, especially if he slouched. “I have a soulmate,” he grunted, glancing at his mom's stunned face and then away again. “She's sixteen. In one of my classes.”

“I see,” said his mom. After a moment, she stood. “You still drink whiskey?”

“Yeah. Gonna shower first,” he said, flexing his fingers to encourage blood flow.

“Alright, hon.”

In the small bathroom connected to his childhood room, Ben turned on the shower, stripped down, and dug a towel out of the cabinet, the fabric more threadbare than he remembered.

Odd, how things aged when you weren't looking. His parents had done that, too. He'd been shocked the first time he'd noticed grey in his mom's hair.

Ben stepped into the tub. He bent his body under the hot spray and slicked his hair out of his face before grabbing the shampoo. He hadn't been able to stand upright while he rinsed his hair since before he went to college.

Rey had… not been what he'd expected. He'd assumed that she would be some half-formed person waiting to grow up and bloom into his perfect match — whatever the fuck _that_ looked like. He'd never given a soulmate much thought except as a vague female version of himself, which had always seemed… unappealing.

But that wasn't Rey. He'd _seen_ her, in those few minutes they'd spent together. The way she'd held her own with him and scolded her friends and frowned and smiled and _laughed_.

Ben rested his forehead against the tile wall with a groan.

That laugh.

And those _freckles_. He'd remembered them, but had there always been so _many_? And in such adorable places?

And her voice. Her _accent_. He could listen to her for days without getting tired of it.

He growled softly when he thought about that boy, Finn, knowing where her room was. Had they fooled around? In that skimpy white tank top, how could Finn _not_ want her?

Ben found himself hoping Finn was gay and sighed, knowing he'd gone and done exactly what he’d promised himself he wouldn't.

He'd gotten to know her. Not much, but enough. A glimpse.

And he liked her.

Ben Solo _liked_ his soulmate.

“Fuck.”

* * *

When Ben entered the living room, his mother had a rum and coke in her hand and her feet up on the coffee table. She nodded toward the sideboard, where a whiskey waited for him. Ben added ice and collapsed on the other end of the couch, planting his larger feet beside hers.

His mother nudged his foot with her toe. “What's she like?”

“She's a mechanic,” he grumbled, and his mother burst into peals of laughter. “Go on, get it out,” he said when she tried to apologize through her giggles. “I know exactly how ironic it is.”

“Han is going to—”

“He's going to love her,” said Ben. “So will you. I have it on good authority — and by good I mean a teenage boy who wasn't even there — that she kicked the ass of some drunk bastard bigger than me when he got handsy.”

He drank half his whiskey in one pull, trying to tamp down the protective instinct bucking for freedom.

His mom whistled. “Probably an exaggeration — no one is bigger than you, I gave birth to a giant — but damn. I can respect a girl who stands up for herself. Tough girl, then?”

Ben frowned, recalling her too-brief smile and those disarming freckles. “Not to look at her.”

“Bring her to dinner on Sunday,” his mother said, sipping at her drink as those sharp eyes made calculations above it. “You have her address?”

He nodded. “In my car.”

“Get it to me, and I'll invite her personally.”

“Let me guess,” he rumbled into his drink. “You're going to go over there.”

His mother smiled her gamine grin. “Can you blame me? I'm excited to meet my future daughter-in-law. What's her name, by the way?”

“Rey.”

“Rey. That's a sweet name.”

Ben got up to refill his drink. “I guess.” He could feel his mother's all-knowing stare against his back.

Her next words were so gentle, they almost brought him to his knees. “You're not the first to be in this situation, you know.”

Ben gripped the edge of the bar and stared into his whiskey glass. “She's sixteen, mom. What am I supposed to do?”

Still, that infinite gentleness. “Nothing you don't want to, sweetheart.” He heard his mom set her drink down and pad over to him to place her small hand on his back. “For now, let's just get to know her. Okay? Nothing wrong with conversation.”

He nodded wearily, relieved to have someone else take the reins for a while. “Okay.”


	4. Accosted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Accost  
> 1\. to confront boldly  
> 2\. to approach, especially with a greeting, question, or remark.

The next day at school was every bit as bad as Rey had expected. Nudges and whispers followed her through the halls, and people she didn't even know kept coming up to congratulate her. Some were kind of sweet, like the starry-eyed freshmen girls who looked at Rey in breathless awe.

Others… not so much.

Rey wanted to punch the girls in Benjamin's classes who added how hot they found him to their congratulations, as if Rey would find it flattering that they wanted him and she got him. Or when anyone joked that she could ask him to go easy on the homework, because they weren’t really joking.

One boy went so far as to suggest Mr. Solo would certainly be in a better mood from now on, his gaze flickering down her body with a sly grin on the words “better mood.” She didn't slap him, but she gave him a shove and told him to fuck off. He pretended not to understand why she was mad — plausible deniability worked in his favor, even though it only pissed her off more — and Rey didn't bother to spell it out for him when he'd only deny it. He knew what he'd meant, and she knew what he'd meant. What more was there to say?

By the time she got home, Rey was a writhing ball of fury. She needed to hit something, and she groaned when she saw her disassembled training dummy scattered across the alcove. She'd had the bright idea to take it apart after Benjamin left yesterday and fortify the base, but she'd spent the rest of the daylight hours hunting for rebar and bolts and wondering how many chores she'd have to pick up if she asked to borrow Plutt's welding torch.

At least it was Friday, and the kids at school had two whole days to find something else to obsess over.

She dropped her bag on the cinder blocks and stripped to her undershirt so she wouldn't get her school shirt dirty. Then she picked up her pipe and beat up a few sketchy-looking cars.

They didn't have sides like her dummy, just crushed and twisted metal, so Rey couldn't really practice her technique on them, instead whaling on them with the pipe held like a baseball bat, letting her emotions funnel into action until she felt calmer.

When she leaned the pipe against the wall of cars and stretched toward the sunlight, light clapping made her turn.

Rey blinked at the woman standing at the mouth of her little alcove. She was older, her grey-streaked brown hair in an elaborate updo, and she wore clothes too fine for traipsing around a junkyard.

She looked like the kind of lady who had pedicures and took spa days.

“Can I help you?” Rey asked politely. Maybe she’d gotten lost.

The woman's smile widened. “Ben was right. I _do_ like you.”

Rey frowned. “Ben?”

The woman stepped forward, shifting her purse so she could hold out a hand. “I'm sorry, I should introduce myself. I'm Leia Organa-Solo, Ben's mother. You can call me Leia.”

Rey stared, the “Solo” sinking into her brain. “You mean Benjamin?”

Leia's brows rose. “Goodness. Nobody calls him that unless they're mad at him.”

Rey's face felt hot as she shook the proffered hand. “Oh. Um. I saw it on the papers. Ben, then?”

Those brows went higher. “Don't tell me that boy didn't get around to telling you his name!”

Rey let her hand fall uselessly to her side and scuffed her toe in the dirt. “Um…”

Leia looked pained. She pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger and closed her eyes for a long moment. “I wish I could say that doesn't sound like my son, but it _really_ does.” She dropped her hand, opened her eyes, and smiled wryly at Rey. “I apologize on his behalf. I swear he knows better.” She looked around at the alcove, her face frank and curious. “I've come to invite you to dinner this Sunday. If you're free. Ben usually doesn't _do_ family dinner, but I'm sure he'll be there if you are — if for no other reason than to make sure I don't break out the naked baby pictures.”

Rey smiled at that. “I… think I could make it.” She tucked a bit of hair behind her ear, wishing she’d done more after school than shove it into a messy ponytail. She was sweaty and gross and hadn’t expected to meet anyone she might want to impress today. “I might need a ride, though.”

“I’ll have my husband pick you up. He’ll be back from his work trip by then, and it’ll piss Ben off.”

Rey’s eyes widened, and Leia winked at her.

“He deserves it. Here, let me give you my number.” Short, clean, perfectly rounded nails dipped into a black purse that could have cost fifty dollars or fifty cents, for all Rey knew about purses, and drew out a business card and a pen. She scribbled on the back of the card and handed it to Rey. “What number is best for me to reach you?” she asked, pulling her cell phone out.

Rey stuffed the card in her pocket and held out a hand. “I can put it in for you.”

She handed it over with a smile. “Thank you. My thumbs aren’t as nimble as they used to be.”

Rey put her number in Ben's mom’s phone, her heart thumping as she tried not to think about the fact that Ben had _parents_ and she’d just met his mother looking like a dirty scavenger.

“Thank you,” Leia said, examining the new entry in her contacts list. She tucked the phone back into her purse, and her warm brown eyes met Rey’s. “Welcome to the family, dear.”

* * *

“What was that all about?”

Rey didn’t look up from her work putting the practice dummy back together. She had grease on her hands and rust on her clothes — she’d changed into jeans so as not to ruin her uniform khakis.

Just then, she did not feel like satisfying Plutt’s curiosity. “A friend.”

“You’re friends with rich old ladies, now?”

Rey made a face and screwed a lug nut on with her fingers.

Plutt watched her, his arms crossed across his chest and feet spread wide. “She have something to do with that boyfriend of yours?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” she said automatically, then almost bit her lip.

“Really.”

 _Fuck._ Plutt had a sixth sense for weak spots, and now he eyed her with a smirk on his dumb fat face.

Silence. Silence had never let her down, so she used it now to defend against her guardian's nosy curiosity. He only wanted to get a rise out of her, anyway. If she stayed calm, he'd leave sooner or later.

“He’s your English teacher, yeah? He ask you to stay after class yet?”

She clamped her teeth on the urge to correct him, to explain that she wasn’t in Ben’s class anymore, but Rey knew from experience that the more questions she answered, the more he learned from the questions she _didn’t_ answer.

“He write you poetry? That sappy shit? ‘Roses are red, violets are blue—’”

Rey kept her movements even and her expression calm as she measured the rebar she’d found. She’d already measured it twice, but Rey was a stickler. She liked to make extra sure she wouldn’t run into problems down the line.

He continued mockingly, “‘—I’ve got a huge dick, let me put it in y—’”

“May I borrow your welding torch?” Rey interrupted, her face hot.

Plutt grinned, and Rey could almost _see_ him tick a point onto his mental scoreboard.

_Damn it._

“You gonna have time to cook dinner?” He kicked one of the metal panels on the ground, knocking it into her carefully sorted pile of screws. Rey bit back a growl and glared up at him.

“Yes, I’ll have time to cook your fucking dinner.”

Plutt hooked his thumbs in his overalls, a twinkle of vicious delight in his eye. “That’s some attitude you got there, missy. Dunno if I want to lend my tools to someone with that attitude. Might set the whole place on fire.”

Rey looked pointedly at the metal, concrete, and dirt surrounding them. If she talked back, though, she wouldn’t get the welding torch for _days_. Plutt could be spiteful like that. So she gritted her teeth and pasted on a fake smile. “Please, may I borrow your welding torch? I won’t need it for long, and I’ll have time to make meatloaf tonight instead of spaghetti if I get this bit done soon.”

Plutt put on a show of considering her offer, but she knew she had him. He _loved_ meatloaf, especially the way Rey made it. Her secret was to drench it in ketchup until the meat was almost _floating_ in it.

“Yeah,” he said grudgingly, as if he were doing her a huge favor. “I guess you can borrow it. Just make sure it’s back in the right spot _and_ clean when you put it up.”

Rey assumed that this meant it was not currently either of those things, but she didn’t care. She hopped cheerfully up and jogged past her guardian to his tool shed.

 _Yep._ The welding torch was on the floor under the welding bench. The face shield, gloves, and apron sat in a heap on top of the bench.

Rey put the gear on and hauled the welding torch out to her alcove, where Plutt continued to examine her work.

“Why’re you putting so much work into this piece of crap? It's an eyesore.”

Rey didn't bother pointing out that the entire place was an eyesore, just hefted the gear where she needed it and set it up. It was an oxy-fuel system, oxygen in one tank and acetylene in the other, which meant portable but heavy with a side of "might blow up." Given the whole thing's age, Rey expected it to explode at any moment and took frequent breathing breaks while welding due to the stench.

“You never did answer my question. Who was the old lady?”

Rey tugged the face mask down and fired the torch noisily to life. She paused frequently to walk around and make sure any fumes had a chance to dissipate before she got back to it. Plutt used these moments to pester her about Leia Organa-Solo, and Rey would return to her work without answering. The alcove quickly heated up, especially right where Rey worked, and Plutt got bored or uncomfortable or both and went away.

Rey thought it might be a bad idea to let Plutt know that a woman that well-dressed was her soulmate's mother. She didn't know what might occur to him, but Plutt liked money almost as much as he liked power. If he thought he could use Rey to gain one and flex the other at the same time…

She didn't think he'd be able to pass an opportunity like that up.

It would be better for everyone if she kept her mouth shut.


	5. Thrift

“What do you think?” asked Finn, holding a faded orange sweater under his chin. “Is it me?”

Rey stopped browsing the shop's previously-owned dresses to laugh at him. “ _So_ you. Now come help me find something to wear tomorrow.”

Finn put the sweater back and returned to the mission at hand: finding something to impress Ben's parents.

“A dress?” he asked, skeptical. “You never wear dresses.”

“His mom is a very posh lady. I can't just show up in shorts,” she explained.

Finn nodded, pursing his lips together and poking at the available dresses as if afraid to actually touch them. “Why did you invite me instead of Rose? She likes this girly stuff.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Because she kept talking about all the ways I could do my makeup and style my hair for ‘my soulmate.’ She was getting on my last nerve.”

“So you… _don’t_ want to look nice?”

“I do, but I'm trying to make a good impression, not romance His Royal Broodiness. Besides, soulmate means he's stuck with me no matter how bad I dress.”

“So… you don’t care if he finds you attractive?”

“Right.”

She saw Finn frown as if he didn’t quite believe her. It pissed her off, so she grabbed a handful of hangers at random and stormed off to the changing rooms.

Which smelled like pickles and farts.

Rey shrugged and took her items in the far one. Weird smells were one of the many quirks of thrift shops.

She tried on three different dresses, two of them too large and one too short. The fourth one she’d grabbed had been someone’s magenta ruffled prom dress from the 90s. Rey didn’t even bother with it.

She slipped back into her own clothes and out of the dressing room, taking the rejected dresses back to Finn, who held a few others.

“Try these,” he said as she hung the four in her hand up.

Rey took them and returned to her chosen dressing room.

The first had long sleeves, hung almost to her ankles, and had a large lace old-lady collar. Rey shucked it and carefully put it back on its hangar before slipping into the next one.

Faded peach with shoulder pads. Nope.

Oh, now this one wasn’t even a dress. It was a one-piece pantsuit covered in lemons. Rey rehung it and tried on the last one.

Denim blue. It had a modest hemline, sleeves she rolled up to her elbows, small buttons up the front, and a dress-shirt collar instead of some lacy granny-style monstrosity.

It reminded her of her favorite old jeans.

Rey stepped out of the dressing room in the blue dress. “Finn? What do you think?”

Finn approached and looked her over. “I have zero fashion sense, but I think it looks good.”

Rey smiled. “Yeah. Comfortable, too. And I can sit without it hiking up too much.”

Finn looked at her feet. “Did you want to get shoes?”

“Nah, I’ll just wash my trainers. You’re sure your mom won’t mind me using her machine?” Finn lived with his mom in an apartment building, but they had a tiny combination washer/dryer that could be hooked up to the tub in the bathroom for a minuscule load of laundry.

“Yeah, she said it’s fine. She’ll be at work but we can use it whenever.”

Rey hauled her backpack onto one shoulder. “Lemme buy this, and we’ll go. She can still drive me home tonight?” Finn lived close enough to the thrift shops to walk, but Plutt’s junkyard was more isolated, flanked by a pair of gas stations at either end of the road and an empty lot for sale across the way. If she went up past the further of the two gas stations, she got to an area with a pawn shop, a post office, a bar, a tattoo parlor, and the supermarket she used where the fruit was considered “fresh” so long as it wasn’t moldy.

Rey had been propositioned three times on the walk to pick up groceries. The third time, a guy in an SUV had driven alongside her at a snail’s pace, trying to get her to talk to him, and she’d darted down the alley behind the pawn shop to lose him. She’d been so scared that he’d stay in the area and follow her home after her shopping that she’d called Poe and begged him to give her a ride home with her groceries.

Poe had obliged and also told her to call him and then the cops the next time something like that happened, but Rey was loathe to involve the police for a case of simple street harassment.

“So long as you keep helping me ace math," said Finn, "my mom will _gladly_ give you a lift home. You really should have taken her up on her offer to pay you for tutoring, though.”

Rey shrugged and paid for her purchase, eschewing a plastic sack in favor of stuffing it in her backpack. She’d had to dig into her emergency funds for this, but she felt that the expense was justified. Plus, it only cost three dollars. “Friends help each other.”

“You’d still be helping me,” he insisted. “But you’d also have pizza money for when we all want to go out — you know those times when you say you have to ‘stay in and do homework’?”

Rey settled her backpack properly onto her back and stepped out into the sunshine. “That obvious?”

Finn cocked his head to look at her. “You know we don’t mind covering you every now and then. We just want to hang out with you.”

Rey stepped over an uneven spot in the sidewalk and grimaced. “I don’t want to take advantage.”

“It’s not taking advantage if we _offer_. It’s not like you’re getting one over on us. It’s a solid exchange — we provide the food, you show up.”

Rey couldn’t stop the grin spreading across her face. She doubted she'd take him up on it, she didn't like accepting pity food, but it was very _Finn_ of him to offer. “I like food.”

Finn rolled his eyes. “You could out-eat the entire football team.”

Rey laughed and skipped sideways to playfully ram her shoulder into Finn’s. He stumbled and bumped her back, and soon he was chasing her down the sidewalk while she shrieked and raced for his apartment building. They almost bowled over a few people, and they got the stink-eye from an older gentleman out walking his dog.

“He thinks we’re hooligans,” she told Finn when they both slowed down to catch their breath, still laughing. “I’m pretty sure I read his mind right there and heard the word ‘hooligans.’”

Finn walked backwards for a few steps, identifying who she meant. “Aha. Yes, he looks exactly like the kind of guy who’d use the word ‘hooligans.’ Also ‘whippersnappers’ and ‘scamps.’”

“Rapscallions,” Rey offered.

“Delinquents,” said Finn.

“Troublemakers.”

“Brats.”

“Urchins.”

“Ragamuffins.”

“Rascals.”

Finn frowned and pursed his lips together. “Have we said ‘rascals’ yet? I feel like we’ve already said ‘rascals.’”

They’d reached his building, and Rey leaned against the modest brick while Finn unlocked the front door. “I honestly don’t know.” They started up the stairs to the third floor, and Rey exclaimed, “Punks!”

Finn threw his head back and laughed.

* * *

By the time Rey got home, she had a new dress that smelled like Finn’s mom’s laundry detergent and a headache in the form of Unkar Plutt. He’d seen her note about not being home for dinner, but he still blamed her for not having _made_ dinner before she left that morning.

She withstood his bad mood as best she could, eager to prevent him from messing up her dinner plans on Sunday. She made a mental note to prep Plutt’s dinner before she left so that he wouldn’t have any reason to complain. If she was lucky, he wouldn’t even notice when she left. He rarely paid attention to her comings and goings unless he wanted something.

When she finally got into her room, she hung her new dress up and made sure it didn’t have any wrinkles. She stood there, breathing deeply and trying to suppress all the worry piling up about Sunday night.

What if they hated her?

His mom had seemed so nice. What if Rey did something embarrassing like trip or spill her soda on the sofa or stuff her face like a pig?

Rey decided to be very careful about how and how much she ate. She could make herself a sandwich at home after, if she needed to.

 _Ta-ding._ The notification tone brought her out of her head. Rey grabbed her phone from the outside pocket of her backpack. It was an older model, scratched and cracked down one side of the screen. She'd bought it for a song off of some idiot at school who was upgrading and didn't want it anymore and found a phone plan that was within her means so long as she stayed under a very specific limit of text messages. It took almost all of the meager funds she scraped together every month, but the connection to her friends was worth it.

She opened her messenger program and smiled when she saw the message was from Finn.

_Don’t stress. The dress is great, you’ll do great._

Rey grabbed her toiletry bag and went to the little bathroom down the hall. She’d do extra chores in the morning to get Plutt in a good mood. She could even make his lunch, a rare favor. She’d prep dinner early and find an opening to casually mention that she had plans. She knew from experience that the less time Plutt had to scheme, the smoother her life would go; if all went well, he wouldn’t ask too many questions or hassle her about going out.

Yes, it would all work out. She’d make sure of it.


	6. Dinner, Part 1

Late Sunday afternoon, Rey's nerves were doing the tango by the time an old grey van pulled into the junkyard, parked, and disgorged a man with silvery hair, weathered skin, and a younger man's swagger.

She fidgeted and the man's eyes locked on her, took her in with a friendly smile.

“I'm Han,” he said, stepping forward with a hand outstretched. “Ben's dad.”

She took his hand, making sure she gripped but didn't _over_ grip. It took a lot more mental calculation than she’d expected. “Rey.”

Han's work-roughened hands went into his pockets and he rocked back on his heels. He had a little scar on his chin, under his lip. “You ready to go, Rey?”

She started to say, “Yes sir,” but the door behind her banged open and Plutt lumbered out. From his narrowed gaze and puffed chest, Rey knew he wasn't up to anything good.

“Solo!” he barked.

“Unkar,” the other man replied genially. Rey saw rapid calculations in Han’s eyes as he sized up the situation, his friendly smile never once faltering.

“What the fuck are _you_ doing here?!”

“Picking up the young lady for a family dinner.”

Plutt spat on the ground. “She hasn't got family. That's why the government gave her to me.”

Han inclined his head. “A figure of speech. She's engaged to my boy.”

Rey opened her mouth to argue with this, but a look from Han made her shut it.

“She isn't engaged. I’d know.”

“Would you?” asked Han.

Plutt frowned, his beady eyes stormy, and he turned them on Rey. “Back inside, girl.”

Rey gaped. “What?!”

“You're a kid, so you don't know better, but this man is a lowlife. I wouldn't be doing my duty as your guardian if I let you get in a car with someone like him.”

“But—”

The look in Plutt's eye promised retribution if she argued, so Rey clenched her teeth and marched back indoors.

She could hear the two men arguing outside. It seemed to get pretty heated for a minute, and then she heard a car door slam and the van's tires as it turned around and left.

When Plutt entered with a stupid smirk on his face, Rey was waiting for him.

“What the _fuck_ was that?!” she shouted.

“I'm your guardian,” Plutt began, but Rey wasn't having any of his shit.

“You have never _once_ cared who I hang out with. This was all some stupid power play to stroke your ego—”

“I've had about enough of your attitude, girl,” Plutt boomed down at her, but Rey was too angry to back down.

“Do you have any idea what tonight meant to me?” Of course he did. That was half of why he'd done it; she knew he didn't consider it winning if the stakes didn't matter. “I bought a fucking _dress_ to impress these people and you're spouting off about _lowlives_ when you're the lowest fucking lifeform on this planet, you great bloody—”

Plutt grabbed her arm so hard it made her gasp. His face had turned a furious shade of purple, and for the first time Rey thought she might've gone too far.

He looked ready to hit her. Rey flinched and braced for the blow, but it never came. Instead, he hauled her toward her room and shoved her inside, snatching her purse from her hands as he did so.

“You're grounded. No phone, no parties, no friends for two weeks.”

He slammed the door in her face, and Rey could only stand there and stare at it.

* * *

Ben had been dreading dinner with Rey and his parents, so he couldn't quite explain why he was in his car and headed to her place after his father had returned empty-handed.

It should have been such an easy out. He could have embraced his good fortune and settled in for the roast his mother — who _did not cook_ — had slaved over. Instead, he'd taken one look at his mother’s crushed expression, set his drink down, and grabbed his keys.

He'd left to the sounds of his parents bickering. His mom thought the whole mess was Han’s fault, and his dad insisted it was Plutt’s.

“He wouldn't have been a problem if you didn’t piss off everyone who meets you!” she'd been yelling as Ben let himself, unnoticed, out of the house.

When he walked into the junkyard’s sorry excuse for a main building, Plutt stood leaning against the counter as if he’d been waiting for Ben to arrive.

“Where is she?”

“Grounded.” The self-satisfied gleam in Plutt’s eye fled when Ben strode past him and into the back, where he assumed the living quarters were.

“Hey!” shouted Plutt, following him. “You can’t just barge in! This is private property!”

Ben stuck his head in the first room he came to, an empty bathroom, and Plutt squeezed past to block the rest of the hallway.

“You’re not allowed to interfere with my parenting, buddy. She’s grounded, end of story.”

Ben loomed. “Get out of my way.”

Plutt drew himself up, and two large ugly men shoved through the door behind Ben, effectively surrounding him. “You don’t make the rules here, _boy_. That girl stays where she is. Now get out before I have you _dragged_ out.”

“If things get violent,” Ben said softly, “the police will get involved.” Plutt’s expression didn’t break, but Ben had a hunch and went with it. “I’m sure they wouldn’t mind checking to make sure this building is up to code while they settle our dispute.” Plutt’s expression barely shifted, but it was enough to confirm Ben’s suspicions. “Or. You can step aside and let me drive Rey to dinner with my family.”

Plutt frowned and took a deep breath through his nose. It took Ben a few seconds to realize why Plutt had started smiling. “You been drinking, son?”

He had. He knew how much he could drink without getting a DUI, and he was pretty sure he was past that limit. It’d probably been a bad idea to drive over here at all, but he hadn’t been thinking straight.

Instead of letting Plutt see that he’d gotten to him, Ben leaned further in and stared the man down. In his softest, most dangerous tone, he asked, “Do you really want to start a war you can’t win?”

He saw the greasy wheels turning in Plutt’s ugly head, saw the strategy behind the way the fat man stepped aside and waved Ben past. “Second room on the right.”

Ben strode down the hall and knocked on the door.

No answer.

He knocked harder.

“What?!”

He winced at the sheer obnoxious _teenagerness_ of the tone. “Rey. Open the door.”

Her voice sounded closer. “Who is it?”

“Ben Solo.”

A pause, then she opened the door a crack, showing only her face. “What are you doing here?”

He lifted a brow. “Picking you up for dinner.” He jerked his head to the side. “Come on.”

She stuck her head out the door and glanced at Plutt and his two ugly friends where they stood in the hall. When Plutt shrugged, she turned her frown back to Ben. “Yeah, okay, give me a minute.”

She shut the door on him.

Waiting hadn’t been part of his plan, but he refused to show impatience in front of the jackals nearby.

When Rey exited her room and shut the door firmly behind her, Ben allowed himself a single blink of surprise.

She was wearing a dress.

A denim blue shirt dress with a belt cinched at her waist. It hung past her knees, which wasn’t flattering, and the old sneakers on her feet had shiny spots where she’d scrubbed them even though dirt stubbornly stuck in the creases.

She looked… adorable.

Rey slid past Ben into the hall, pausing before Plutt to ask about her purse. Ben made a mental note and glowered at the bastard until Plutt jerked his head toward the front and muttered something about the counter. Rey only nodded and continued on, shoulder-checking one of the big guys by the bathroom as she passed and earning herself a glare that she ignored.

In the building’s front room, Ben waited for Rey to duck behind the counter and grab a shapeless brown leather bag.

“Okay,” she said, shouldering it, and he led the way out to his car.

“Do you have your driver’s license?” he asked quietly when they reached it.

She glanced up at him. “I have a learner’s permit. Why?”

“On you?”

She nodded.

He pressed his lips together and offered his keys. “Would you mind?”

“You want me to drive your car.”

He nodded.

“This car. This car right here. You want me to drive it.”

“If you don’t mind.”

She held out a hand, and he dropped the keys into it. She then practically _skipped_ to the driver’s side.

Ben caught Plutt watching them from the door and flipped him off.

_See you try and report me now, fucker._

“I’m a little out of practice,” she admitted as she adjusted the seat and mirrors. “Poe has a car, but he doesn’t like to let anyone else drive. I had to call in every favor to get him to teach me, and it sucked because he kept freaking out, thinking I was going to hit something. In the middle of an empty parking lot.”

Ben wondered why she was telling him this. More, though, he didn’t like the thought of Poe Dameron teaching her to drive. He had Poe in one of his classes, and he’d seen him make girls melt with just one smile. “What kinds of favors?”

She started the car and put it in gear, working the clutch like she’d been born to it. “Schoolwork, studying, that kind of thing.”

“He’s a senior. Why would he need a junior to help him?” Unless he wanted in Rey's pants. Ben felt his right hand clench into a fist and forced himself to relax it.

Rey executed a flawless three-point-turn. “Which way?”

“Left.”

They were on the road, maintaining the speed limit, when she answered quietly. “I’m kind of… smart.” She slid him a calculating glance. “I’m not as good at art or writing or interpreting literature or anything. I did okay in your class because I studied, but those aren’t my best subjects. Math and science, though. You give me numbers or formulas or practical application, and I’m… well above average. It’s like… it just clicks. It makes sense. You know?”

“I see.”

“What’s my next turn?”

He told her, and they rode in silence for a little while, but he couldn’t help glancing at her every now and then.

“It’s not for you,” she said softly.

Ben frowned at her, noting her blush. “What?”

“The dress,” she said, blush deepening. “I didn’t wear it for you. I wore it for your mom.”

“Noted.” It was an ugly dress, anyway. He shouldn’t feel disappointed that she hadn’t worn it for him. He didn’t want her to dress for him in the first place, so disappointment was absolutely the _most_ idiotic reaction.

Another stretch of silence, and they came up on their next turn. Rey took it smoothly.

“I like her,” Rey said softly. “Your mom. She’s nice.”

Ben scratched a fingernail across his seatbelt. “Yeah, she’s not so bad.” Another stretch of silence, and he asked, “Why were you grounded?”

Rey pursed her lips and went around a slower-moving car. “I _may_ have told Plutt off.”

Ben found himself wishing he could have seen it. “You _may_ have?”

“It's a definite possibility.”

He made a thoughtful noise. “And he took your purse for that?”

“He took my phone, which was in my purse. No phone, no friends for two weeks.” She grimaced, and he guessed that the punishment hit harder than her light tone let on.

“Did I make it worse? Insisting that you come out tonight?”

He watched her decide whether or not to lie.

“Yes,” she finally said. “But Plutt is tricky to handle even for me, and I'm used to him.” He remained silent, which was all she needed to elaborate. “You have to bargain with him. It's best if he thinks he's getting the better part of the deal, especially if he thinks he's getting one over on you.” She switched gears and they sped up. “I talked him into letting me go to a party with Finn last summer because I found a way for him to save money at the yard and dangled that in front of his nose.”

Finn again. Had it been a date? He wrestled that thought aside and focused on her words.

“Plutt gave me a hard time, like he was really put out by me going to a stupid party, but we both knew he was getting the better part of the deal.” She tossed him a serious look, and Ben realized that he'd been staring, watching her facial expressions and the way her hands moved on the wheel, little micro gestures with her fingers while her hands were occupied. “The thing you really need to know is that he wouldn't have let me go if I'd challenged him, no matter how much money he could have saved. More than anything, he cares about being top dog.”

Ben pointed out their next turn, and she began to slow. The click of the blinker filled the car.

“When I'm bitchy, he'll chalk it up to me being a teenager, or PMS or something. He still holds all the power, see, so it doesn't bother him as much. He's still the adult, and I'm the kid. But you…”

“I'm not under his control,” Ben finished for her.

She nodded. “Pretty much.”

“And he'll take it out on you?” The thought made him angry, both at Plutt and himself. Guilt wiggled uncomfortably in his gut, settling in like a stubborn cat for a long nap.

She grimaced, and the urge to lie flitted over her expression again. “I expect so,” she finally admitted — softly, like she was trying not to upset him.

Ben tried not to growl. “What _precisely_ will he do?”

Rey slowed to match the speed of the car in front of them and began to look for a chance to pass. “The usual,” she said lightly. “Extra chores, no going out, no friends over, no electronics.”

His tense muscles loosened fractionally. “Sounds standard,” he replied, and she shot him a startled look.

When she turned her gaze back to the road, her knuckles tightened on the wheel. “I wouldn't know.”

It sank in, then, why she'd dressed up for his mother.

She'd never had one.

He felt simultaneously stupid and pissed. He wondered if she was more interested in his parents than in him. The thought made him want to pull her into his lap and mark his claim, make sure she didn't want anyone or anything as much as she wanted him.

He shoved the feelings down, stomped them into a different section of his brain. He could unlock it and examine everything at his leisure in a few years.

For now, she was still sixteen.

Off limits.

“Two more streets and you’ll turn right. They’ll be the last house on the left.”

“Got it.”

* * *

Ben stifled a groan when both of his parents appeared the moment Rey parked his car beside The Falcon (his dad’s stupid name for the piece of junk van he kept running through sheer stubbornness).

“You let someone else drive?” asked Han.

Ben accepted his keys from Rey. “I didn’t want to get a DUI.”

Rey shot him a surprised look, and her shoulders seemed to droop a little.

Was she disappointed in him for drinking and driving? Ben felt vaguely ashamed of himself.

Luckily, his mother distracted Rey by swooping in with a big hug. From the way Rey stiffened before she melted into the embrace, he could only assume that she didn’t get hugged often.

“Change of plans,” his mother said as she stepped away. “We’re going out to eat.”

Ben raised a brow in question.

“I burnt the roast.”

“Too busy yelling to hear the timer go off.” Han jerked a thumb back toward the house. “The whole place is full of smoke. Gonna let it air out while we’re gone.” Han turned his smarmiest smile on Rey, and she bloomed in response. It irritated the hell out of Ben. “Sorry about earlier. Unkar and I have crossed paths before, and I guess he took it badly.”

“You cheated him at cards,” his mother accused.

“He cheated, too!”

Rey laughed, making Ben’s heart flop over with annoyance that she’d warmed to his parents so fast. “Of course he did. Plutt always cheats. Question is whether or not you could prove it.”

Ben intruded on the conversation, and it was _not_ an effort to make her look at him. “So where are we going?”

His mother set her hands on her hips. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, young man. Drinking and driving, Benjamin? _Really?_ ”

“Like I could stay in the house with you two arguing,” he muttered.

Han gave him a stern look, but as always he didn't scold. “How’d you talk Plutt down, anyway?”

Ben rolled his eyes. “I didn’t talk, for one.”

Han slapped his shoulder and let out a cheerful, “ _That’s_ my boy!”

His mom looked at the two of them in disgust.

Ben pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers, eager to prevent the argument he felt brewing. “Are we going somewhere or not? I still have tests to grade tonight.” The makeup test for Rey’s former classmates and his afternoon classes had been Friday. He’d used his sleepless Thursday night to write a new test for them, and he needed to have those grades in by end of day on Monday.

He’d kept Rey’s test. The one she’d been turning in when the connection happened. The teacher watching his class had picked up the scattered test papers and left them for the sub, who’d put all of the class’s tests in a folder for him. He’d fished Rey’s out and looked it over, noting her sloppy penmanship and correct answers. She left _one_ thing out of the essay question, but she got the bonus points at the end, so she would have had a perfect score.

Ben hated the formulaic nature of testing as a rule (what kind of deep thinking could there be when you just memorized and regurgitated?), but he _especially_ hated it when going over Rey’s test. It told him nothing about her.

Maybe her class papers had more personality, but he didn’t keep copies.

“Why didn’t you grade them yesterday?” asked his mother, because _of course_ she'd ask that. She'd been a professor the year she chose not to run for the U.S. Senate again. She knew exactly how long grading took.

Han jingled his keys and waved them all toward The Falcon. “Okay, come on, kids. You can ride in the back.”

Ben opened the van door and suppressed a groan. The back of The Falcon was disgusting.

He let Rey climb in first, mostly because his mother would murder him if he didn’t act like (her antiquated version of) a gentleman.

Fast food wrappers had bunched up against the edges of a rough, handmade wooden cabinet kept in place with L-brackets, and a toolbox had been secured by the trunk doors with a pair of bungee cords.

Ben’s mother had long ago stopped nagging his dad to keep The Falcon clean. It was Han’s version of a man cave. But she still surreptitiously smacked Han’s arm when she saw the trash in the back. “I thought you said you were going to clean it,” she hissed.

“I cleaned the front,” he grumbled back. “I was just supposed to pick her up, she was going to ride in the front.”

“Ben, clean that trash out.”

“What? Why me?”

“Because I say so.” When he didn’t move fast enough, she added, “Hurry up. I’m hungry. Rey, are you hungry?”

Rey looked up from fastening her belt with wide eyes. “Um…”

Ben felt annoyed that his mother put Rey on the spot like that, especially because he knew she was using the girl to manipulate him. He weighed the benefits of arguing versus giving in.

He climbed in and started grabbing fast food wrappers and stuffing them into a jerry-rigged trash can. After a moment, he heard a soft click and Rey was on the metal floor beside him, helping clean.

He stared, accidentally meeting her eye, and she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear with a self-conscious smile. Her cheeks reddened, and they both returned to cleaning.

Ben made sure not to bump into her or accidentally brush fingers when they reached for the same bit of trash. A part of him _wanted_ to brush against her; that part perked up with her so close, curious about their connection, but Ben shoved it all to the back of his psyche with the other things he couldn’t acknowledge yet.

There would be time later. For curiosity, and getting to know her, and _feelings_.

He tried not to think about how he’d be spending the rest of his life with this total stranger and failed. Panic washed through him, making him tense and jittery. He jiggled his leg once they’d taken their seats and buckled in, looking out the back window to avoid looking at Rey.

The Falcon didn’t have typical seats in back. The carpeting had long ago been torn up to expose bare metal, and the only seating was one long bench facing the sliding door, so that their knees pointed at the exit. The bench had an old piece of hard candy stuck to one side and lap belts, literally the least secure option of seat belt, which Han had installed when Ben was ten. Before that, Ben had just slid around like an unsecured parcel. At the time, he'd thought it was a blast. Later, he'd been horrified.

Han turned his key in the ignition. Despite the way the old heap looked, it started with a purr.

Rey leaned toward the driver’s seat, and Ben glanced at her when she asked, “What kind of engine does this have?”

Han grinned, clearly charmed by her interest, and told her. The two of them talked cars as they headed toward the restaurant. Ben followed it easily enough — he hadn’t grown up with Han Solo for a dad without learning a few things.

“Did you make all the renovations yourself? B—” Rey stopped and glanced wide-eyed in Ben’s direction. He frowned back at her, confused until she jerked her gaze away and said, red-cheeked, “I heard you were a mechanic.”

Ben felt his brows rise, but she didn’t look back at him.

She’d almost said his name.

She’d almost called him Ben. He was sure of it.

His heart gave an odd little twist, something akin to dismay, and Ben didn’t know if it was because she’d almost said it or because she’d stopped herself.

Did she think of him that way? As Ben?

He’d assumed… well, that she still thought of him as Mr. Solo.

He couldn’t begrudge her his name, although he had the feeling that hearing it from her would make things a lot more complicated than they already were.

The restaurant his mother had chosen was, of course, one of the nicest in the area. The only reason it wasn’t _the_ nicest was because there were some even she couldn’t get a reservation at last minute.

Even just a handful of years ago, his mother could have walked into any restaurant in the state and gotten a table almost instantly, but restaurants didn’t bend over backwards as often for _former_ senators.

Still, his mom was rich and well-respected, so she got bumped up the waiting list whenever she visited her favorite places. This one always had a table for her because she knew the owner, had met Wicket when the place first opened. He was a stout little Greek man with a salt-and-pepper beard and the ability to turn any meat into a tender masterpiece. He’d once terrified a young Ben by claiming that he had a wonderful recipe for spit-roasted little boy and had pinched Ben’s cheek experimentally, claiming he would need fattening up to make a good main course.

Ben’s family had laughed, but he’d had nightmares for a week and took to sleeping with the nightlight he’d outgrown, sure that Wicket would show up one night and drag him off to spit-roast.

It wasn't until they were seated at the restaurant that Ben's mother asked Rey if she'd thought about college yet.

“MIT,” Rey said with a firm nod.

“That's a very prestigious school,” his mother said, handing the lemon from her water to Han without even noticing she did it, it was such an ingrained habit. “How are your grades?”

“Very good,” Rey replied with a smile. “Our school has _amazing_ math and science departments.”

Han grinned as he squeezed lemon into his water. “Ha.”

Ben glowered at his father and shrugged when Rey tried to apologize for slighting the English department. “The math and science departments _are_ very good,” he said. “I think they’ve won an award or something.”

“I just wish we had a robotics team,” Rey admitted. “It would give me _such_ a leg up on my application.”

“Why can't you start one?” asked his mother.

Rey acknowledged the question with a head tilt. “We need a faculty sponsor, but no one in the science department knows the first thing about robotics.”

“Does the sponsor _need_ to know anything about robotics?”

Rey pressed her lips together, thinking. “I… don't know.”

His mother nodded, and Ben saw her thoughts circling in his direction like a school of sharks. “Ben could do it.”

Ben was glad he wasn’t drinking anything just then. He might have spat it out. Or choked. Neither sounded dignified. “What?”

“You can sponsor Rey's robotics club.”

He flushed and pointedly did _not_ look at the girl sitting to his left. “Um… I think they'd want someone who actually knows about the subject.”

“You could take Luke with you.”

The sharks dove and breached underneath Ben, leaving him with a breathless moment of terror in the dead silence of the table. His dad set his lemon down very carefully, eyes on his glass, and his mom flicked her brown gaze up to Ben’s.

Ben found his footing again, and fury swamped him. “I’d rather invite Grandpa.”

His mother’s expression hardened. “That's not funny, Benjamin.”

He considered the alcohol on his menu and wondered how bad it would be if he got really drunk at this dinner. “That’s because it’s not a joke.”

“Your grandfather is—”

“A murderer? Yes, so it should tell you _exactly_ how little I want to see Uncle Luke that I'd prefer Grandpa’s company to his.”

His mother clenched her jaw and looked at her menu, signaling that the conversation was over.

“Besides,” added Ben, figuring he might as well burn this disastrous dinner to the ground, “Grandpa knows more about robotics than Luke does.”

His mother shut her menu with a snap, and Han shot Ben a “what the fuck is wrong with you” glare.

Ben reached for his water and took a sip. “We might as well get all the skeletons on the table now.” He tipped his head toward Rey, speaking to her without taking his eyes off his parents. “Dad and Uncle Chewie did time for smuggling… what was it? Endangered monkeys?”

“Lemurs,” Han corrected out of the side of his mouth. Leia swatted Han, who shrugged. “Girl does a background check, she’ll find this stuff out.”

“ _Less_ well-known is all the strings Mom pulled to keep me out of juvie.”

His mother pressed her lips together and glared at him. If looks could kill, he would be six feet under. “You should be thanking me for that,” she said low enough that the other tables couldn’t hear.

Ben, on the other hand, didn’t care who heard. “ _Thanking_ you?” He leaned forward. “I would have been _safer_ in juvie.”

“Your uncle—”

His brows came together, and he felt the familiar old rage stir. “Don’t.”

“If you hadn’t run away so many times—”

“I said _don’t_.”

His mother raised an angry, imperious brow. “You can bring up my father, but I can’t bring up your uncle? A little hypocritical, Benjamin.”

Ben jerked a thumb toward the restaurant’s entrance. “Do you want me to leave? Because I will. I can take a cab home, it wouldn’t be hard.” _God,_  how he wanted to leave. But…

Rey’s voice cut through the tension. “Could you point me to the ladies’?”

His mother told her, and they all watched the girl go.

“You do realize,” Ben’s mother told him sternly, swinging an accusing glare his way, “that tonight isn’t about you _or_ your feud with Luke.”

“I’m not the one who brought him up.”

He thought he’d mastered the art of sarcasm, but his mother more than proved herself his match. “Luke's high school robotics team won second in nationals. He has a robotic _hand_ , for God’s sake. I thought, wildly enough, that Rey would find his experience useful. And that maybe you’d care enough about _her_ needs to get past this stupid—”

“I almost _died._  He was supposed to be looking out for me, and he couldn’t be bothered—”

“He was looking out for a lot of kids back then, Ben. You weren’t the only one who needed help.”

“No, I wasn’t the only one. I was just his blood. Which, apparently, means shit in this family.” Ben jerked the napkin from his lap and threw it on the table, pushing his chair roughly back.

“You are _not_ leaving,” his mother hissed.

“Sit back down, kid,” said his dad.

Ben rounded on them. “Why? You have the kid you always wanted.” He gestured wildly the way Rey had gone. “You don’t need me for that. So just… leave me out of it.”

He heard his mother call, “Benjamin!” but he ignored her and stormed out the front.


	7. Dinner, Part 2

When Rey felt like she’d given the Solos enough time to either calm down or kill each other, she started back to the table.

Ben’s chair was empty, and she thought at first that he’d gone to cool off except that his parents looked far too grim and couldn’t quite meet her eyes.

“He left,” Leia admitted. She picked up the glass of wine that hadn’t been there when Rey went to the bathroom and sipped. “I’m sorry. I should have known better than to bring up his uncle.”

“Kid needs to let that go,” said Han.

Leia sighed. “I know. I wish he would.”

“What happened?” Rey asked, trying not to let her soulmate’s absence spear her straight through the heart.

“The story with Luke is… something you should get from Ben. He can’t even hear my brother's name.”

The waiter came by, and they placed their orders. Rey scrambled to find something, scanning the prices instead of the food and trying not to gulp when she saw how expensive her meal would be. She only had seven dollars left in her emergency stash, and most of the entrees were over fifteen.

Once the waiter left, Leia took a larger sip of her wine and licked the remnants off her lips. “Ben has anger issues. You may have noticed.”

Rey snorted. She’d known that since the day he threw a chair into a window at school.

“It’s our fault.” Leia shared a glance with Han, his face lined with sorrow. “We weren’t there for him. He was a sweet kid, but he learned early on that the fastest way to get our attention was to act out. So he did.” Another sip of wine, as if fortifying herself. “It’s only been a few years now since we changed careers so we could be near him. We’re trying to repair our relationship. It’s good sometimes, but we have a long way left to go.”

Han covered his wife’s hand on the table with his own.

“The anger is old and deep,” Leia explained softly, her voice unsteady. “Even once it heals, there will be scars. And they’ll mostly be his to bear.” Her brown eyes flickered up to meet Rey’s. “And yours.”

Rey bowed her head to stare at her hands in her lap. She took a deep breath, afraid to ask the question. “What if… what if this soulmate thing… is a mistake?”

Leia’s warm fingers rested on Rey’s shoulder. “It’s not.”

“But what if…”

“You are not a mistake.” Leia took a deep breath of her own. “I know we haven’t made a very good first impression—”

“You could say that again,” said Han, taking a swig of amber beer.

“—but the soulmate bond is never wrong.”

Rey sniffed back inopportune tears and looked between the two of them.  “Are the two of you…?”

“Oh, no,” said Han.

“No,” agreed Leia. She squeezed Han’s hand. “We chose each other, the universe didn’t choose for us. It happens that way, sometimes.”

The first tear slipped free, setting Rey’s chin trembling despite her determination _not to cry_. “Is it better?”

Leia moved her chair closer to Rey’s and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her into a warm, comforting embrace. “It’s not better. Just different. It seems like you’re figuring out that being soulmates isn’t all the movies make it out to be, huh?”

“He’s an asshole,” she sniffled against Leia’s well-tailored jacket.

“You hear that, Ben?” asked Han. “You’re an asshole.”

Rey jerked out of Leia’s arms with a gasp, turning to stare at the man standing with his hands shoved awkwardly in his slacks' pockets.

“Yeah,” he said, his deep voice carrying easily to her, his face painted pink with chagrin. “I’ve been called worse.” His puppy dog brown eyes flickered to hers, an apology there, before skating away. He stepped up to his abandoned chair and cleared his throat. “Could we… forget all of that just happened? Maybe? Please?”

Leia released Rey and went around to hug Ben. He stiffened but accepted the affection.

“I love you,” said Leia. Rey could just barely hear her whisper, “And you’re wrong. You’re always going to be my favorite. Okay?”

Because she was watching, Rey though she saw the glint of wet in Ben’s eyes as he swallowed. “Yeah,” he said, wrapping an arm around Leia’s shoulders and giving her a brief squeeze. “Love you, too.”

Han stood, and the awkwardness increased tenfold, but that didn’t seem to stop the older man from demanding his fatherly due. Their hug had much more back-slapping and didn’t last nearly as long, but the tension that had crackled over the table had dissipated into genuine calm.

“I think Rey deserves a hug, too,” Han said.

Rey stared at Han. “I’m good,” she said quickly, raising her hands.

Ben, who’d frozen in the middle of taking his seat, relaxed. “She’s good,” he repeated with a firm nod.

Leia swatted Han on the arm. “Don’t interfere.”

Han spread his hands. “Who’s interfering?”

“You’re interfering. Just let the children be.”

Rey tried to make herself smaller in her seat, but the intense embarrassment of being talked about like she was part of a couple and not just unceremoniously dumped on this family — well, it was _miles_ better than the bitterness they’d been spewing at each other earlier.

“Did you already order?” asked Ben.

“I ordered for you, just in case,” said Leia, reaching across the table to pat his hand. One side of her mouth turned up. “Worst case scenario, leftovers. Best case...” she trailed off and spread her hands as if to say _voila_.

“Best case is getting grandbabies before we’re too old to enjoy them,” said Han.

Rey sputtered out a laugh while Ben choked on the sip of water he’d just taken.

Han pressed a hand over his heart and spoke across the table to Rey, who had to mash her lips together to keep herself from laughing. “I am so sorry you got stuck with my weird-looking kid who has no game.”

“ _Dad_ ,” said Ben, his cheeks bright red.

“Han,” said Leia.

Rey had to cover her mouth with both hands. She felt her own face turning red.

“I just don’t see why he hasn’t kissed the girl yet. She’s pretty enough. Don’t you think she’s pretty, Ben?”

Rey was more interested in Ben’s answer to this than she wanted to admit, but he just widened his eyes at his mother and gritted, “ _Do_ something!”

Leia turned to Han. “She’s just sixteen, sweetheart. Give them some time.”

“Sixteen is old enough in England,” Han replied. He turned to Rey. “Or am I wrong?”

Ben dropped his face into his hands. “We are _not_ talking about this.” He seemed to be begging more than demanding.

“I am right, though,” Han said, looking to Rey for confirmation.

Leia saved her from having to answer. “You’re right, but this isn’t England. It’s America. Now please stop embarrassing our guest.”

“You’re not going to tell him to stop embarrassing _me_?” asked Ben.

“He’s your father, it’s his job to embarrass you.”

“Has Ben showed you his ears yet?” Han sketched the air on either side of his head and mouthed, “Huuuuge.”

“Oh my fucking God,” muttered Ben.

Rey snickered behind her hands, trying to imagine Ben with huge ears and failing. She wondered if that was why he kept his hair so luxuriously long and full. Big goofy ears would make it harder to intimidate a classroom full of teenagers, she supposed.

“So, Rey,” said Leia, determinedly changing the subject. “What’s your favorite restaurant?”

“Um,” Rey said, aborting the reach she’d made for her water. “I don’t really go to restaurants?” When Leia looked surprised at this, Rey hurried to add, “Plutt orders pizza sometimes when he has people over for poker, but it’s really gross to watch him eat, so I usually make myself a sandwich and lock myself in my room before the food arrives.”

Leia’s brows went up. “You lock yourself in?”

Rey chuckled weakly. “Yeah. Habit. Good thing, too. Early on with Plutt, some junkie wandered into the back because no one was up front and tossed the place. I was the only one there when it happened.”

“Oh my God,” said Leia, covering her mouth.

Rey blinked at her, startled by the horror she saw there. She scrambled to downplay it. “It’s fine, my door was locked. And Plutt was so pissed, he made sure the front was never unmanned again.” She did _not_ mention that he’d been pissed about being robbed, not about any danger Rey may have been in.

“Did the intruder try and get into your room?”

All three of them were looking at her, but it was Ben’s gaze she felt burning accusingly to the truth.

Rey shrugged. “He jiggled the knob. I keep my toolbox in my room, so I just grabbed a hammer and went back to my homework.”

Leia placed her hand over Rey’s, brown eyes limpid with worry. “Rey…”

Rey felt deeply uncomfortable with all the concern. It wasn’t the first time someone had tried to get into her room while she’d been inside. In the group home she’d stayed at, it was normal to hear that jiggle. If she forgot to lock the door of the room she'd shared with an older girl, a head would pop in and the intruder would see her and pop back out. She’d had to learn how to hide her valuables, or they’d disappear while she was at school.

Her valuables would still disappear at Plutt’s if she left them out. She had checked her purse on the way to the restaurant and was relieved to find that her cash hadn’t disappeared. She supposed Plutt’s guys hadn’t had enough time to dig through it. Plutt himself usually didn’t steal from her, at least not _stuff_.

Leia leaned in. “Do you feel safe there?”

Rey blinked at her. “Um… as safe as anywhere, I guess?” When this only seemed to make Leia _more_ concerned, Rey dug for a better explanation. “Plutt doesn’t hurt me or endanger me or refuse to feed me.” He made Rey do the grocery shopping and the cooking, but whatever. She had food and a place to sleep and a lock on her door and clothes that covered all the important bits. “If someone messes with me, he’ll give them shit for it. He cares _very much_ about making sure I don’t get hurt on his watch because that would make him look bad or get him in trouble. It’s not perfect, but… it’s good enough.” Rey smiled wryly. “Besides, I’ll age out of the system soon and go to MIT, and I’ll never have to see the ugly bastard again.”

Before Leia could reply, the table was accosted by a short, round-bellied man with thick brown hair that _had_ to be the result of hair dye at his age and a floofy grey beard. “Leia! _Kalispera! Pos Isey!_ How are you? How is your beautiful family?”

Leia beamed. “Wicket! Oh, it’s been too long. You remember Han and Ben.”

Wicket nodded at the men with a wide smile. “I heard someone was causing trouble out here. I should have known it would be you boys. Han, my friend, it is good to see you. Benjamin, you mopey boy, how are you?”

Then the short man’s eyes landed on Rey. He swooped in and took both of her hands in his. “And who is this _gorgeous_ creature? Do not tell me you are here for the mopey boy?” He jerked his head at Ben, and Rey couldn’t help herself. She laughed.

Wicket’s eyes twinkled with mischief. “Beautiful girl, I have six nephews, all more lively than this one. Say you will let me introduce you.”

“Rey is Ben’s soulmate,” Leia interjected, and Rey realized that Ben looked rather murderous. "We’re all getting to know each other better."

She slipped her hands sheepishly out of Wicket’s and shrugged.

“Soulmates?” said Wicket, stunned. He looked back and forth between the two of them for quite some time before his furry face exploded into a grin. “This is a cause for _celebration_!” He roared the word, and every table turned to look at them. Wicket played into the attention, urging Ben and Rey to stand up.

“It’s fine,” Leia whispered when Rey hesitated. “A little public spectacle, but it won’t last long.”

Ben grumbled as he followed Rey’s lead and stood.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” announced Wicket in a voice that could have carried to the buildings across the street, “I have known this gloomy boy almost his whole life! But he is not gloomy tonight. No. He has found his _soulmate_!”

The restaurant burst into applause, and Rey saw Ben glaring at the floor as if he could will it to swallow him whole. She tried not to laugh, but a snicker escaped. She saw Ben shoot her a resentful glance.

Wicket leaned toward her and murmured, “What is your name, beautiful girl?”

“Rey.”

Wicket clasped his hand over his heart. “Oh, it is fate! It is fate!” He raised his arms to the crowd. “Her name is Rey! A literal ray of sunshine to dispel the dark cloud over this boy’s head.” He waved his arms dramatically at the space around Ben’s head. Ben scowled.

“Tonight we celebrate! Tonight—” Wicket paused, milking the moment, capturing every eye in the breathless hush. Then, he waved an arm like an orchestra conductor and cried, “—free dessert for everyone!”

The crowd burst into cheers. Applause followed Rey as she returned to her seat. Ben slumped grumpily into his, jaw set.

“You did very well,” Leia told him.

“That was worse than the thing he does for my birthday.”

“Finn would love this place,” Rey said.

“Who’s Finn?” asked Leia.

Rey grinned. “My best friend. He’s amazing, literally the nicest person in the world.” She dropped her head to one side and wrinkled her nose. “He’d really like Mr. Wicket.”

“Because he likes sadists?” asked Ben.

“Because he's funny,” Rey replied. “And Finn likes to laugh.”

Ben’s expression soured. “I think he’s in my second period class.”

Rey nodded. “He’s excellent at English. Not so great at math, but I help him with that so he’s doing okay.”

“That’s so sweet of you,” said Leia at the same time Ben said, “How do you help him?”

“I check his homework at lunch.” Rey sat back in her seat as their food arrived, giving the waiter room to set her plate in front of her. “Although, I already checked it for Monday. I mean, first I had to make him _do_ his homework, then I checked it, but there was time.”

“You spend a lot of time with your friends?” Leia asked, nodding her thanks to their server as he promised to return with water refills.

“When I can,” Rey said, picking up her napkin and wondering how, exactly, she was going to pay for this meal. How much shit would she be in if she had to borrow money from any of these people tonight? Before she started hyperventilating, she set her napkin down. “Actually, may I be excused for a minute?”

She hurried to the bathroom and texted Finn. _911\. I don’t have enough money to pay for my dinner. I’m freaking out._

As always, he replied quickly. _Whoa, calm down. What do you need?_

_Is there any way you could bring me eleven dollars and forty-seven cents? I will pay you back, I swear._

She could imagine the concerned furrow between Finn’s brows when he replied, _Is there any way you could ask Mr. Solo? I mean, he’s kinda supposed to be there for you, right?_

Rey felt tears pricking at the backs of her eyes. She didn’t want to ask Ben for anything, especially money. He’d crushed enough of her pride lately; she couldn’t offer him this last lingering piece of dignity and risk him spitting on it. _I can’t. I’m sorry, I just can’t._

_I’m so sorry, Rey, I can’t get away. My mom’s at work. Let me call Poe, though, okay?_

She waited, jittery, until the _Ta-ding_ made her scramble to swipe her phone back to life.

_Poe is on a date._

Shit. _Where?_ she typed, thinking maybe Poe was just around the corner somewhere. The response was immediate.

_You want Poe to interrupt his date for this?!_

Rey cringed. She could feel the censure radiating off her phone. _No. I’m sorry. I’m just freaking out._ Evidenced by the tiny part of her that wondered if it still wasn’t worth getting in touch with Poe to just ask.

_Let me call Rose. Her sister has a car._

An agitated few seconds, and he texted again. _Where are you, anyway?_

Rey texted him the name of the place, and the phone stayed silent for a long stretch.

_Knock knock._

Rey whipped around to look at the bathroom door. It had been a light knock, undemanding. When Rey was about convinced the knocker — knockee? — had gone, it came again.

_Knock knock._

“Rey?”

Startled, she shouldered the bathroom door open and stared up at Ben on the other side. “What are you doing?” she asked, clutching her phone protectively to her chest.

He raised a brow, and for once he wasn’t looking behind her or around her but _at_ her, into her eyes. “I could ask you the same thing.” His gaze slid down, to her phone, then back up.

She frowned and moved out of the bathroom so that an older woman could get past her and inside. “That’s none of your business.”

They moved to the far wall, further from the bathrooms but still shielded from passerby. “I’ve been waiting out here ten minutes,” he muttered.

“It hasn’t been ten minutes.” She knew because she’d been obsessively calculating how long she could disappear without it seeming like she had diarrhea. It was extra awkward since she'd hidden in the bathroom for such a long time during their fight. “And why would you follow me? That’s weird.”

He shifted, hands in his pockets, and glanced away. “My mom made me. You seemed upset.”

“Oh.” Of course it would be Leia’s idea. Ben would never chase after her to offer comfort on his own. Not that he was offering comfort now, just being weird and lurky.

 _Ta-ding_ , said her phone.

Ben’s gaze shot to it as she started to unlock the screen, carefully keeping it angled so he couldn’t see.

“Is that Finn?”

“Yes.” Rey did not appreciate the accusation in his tone, but she _really_ didn’t appreciate it when he snatched the device and held it out of her reach — seriously, _fuck_ him for being so tall — and read the most recent text.

“Talk to us about what?” he said, handing it back.

Rey scanned the text.

_Okay, Rose can do it. Are you sure you don’t want to just talk to them? I really don’t think it’ll go as bad as you think it will._

She turned a furious glare up at Ben. “Do you _mind_? That was private.”

Ben bent and stared her straight in the eye, his face inches from hers. “What are you hiding?”

Rey glared back, not giving him the satisfaction of seeing her retreat. “From you? Plenty.”

This close, she saw the flare of anger dilate his pupils, drowning the brown iris in darkness. The next thing she knew, he’d stolen her phone again and turned so she couldn’t reach around him and grab it.

“Shit, _fuck_ ,” she hissed, hitting him in the back. “Give that back!” He ignored her and scrolled through the rest of her conversation with Finn.

When he finished, he fixed the oddest expression on her. “You’re worried about _money_?”

Rey clenched her jaw. Her face was on fire, and she couldn’t meet his eye. Instead, she grabbed her phone back and held it in a death grip.

“My mom is covering your meal.” He said it as if genuinely surprised she didn’t already know.

Rey glanced up, her glower still in place. She still couldn’t believe he’d taken her phone and read her texts. Asshole.

“She invited you over for dinner and changed plans last minute. Even the stingiest person on the planet wouldn’t do that without paying for you.”

Plutt would.

Ben glanced at her phone where she clutched it defensively against her, and Rey’s face got even hotter when she remembered the text about him, specifically.

“You can ask me for help,” he said awkwardly. “I’m not ‘literally the nicest person on the planet,’ but I’m… _inclined_ to say yes. To you, at least.” He swallowed and looked at his feet. Muttered, “I think it’s a side-effect or something,” as if he could absolve himself from feelings. “From, you know… the bond.”

He kicked the toe of his shoe against the carpet, and his voice gained strength. “Besides, I made you cry. And I don’t want my mom pissed off at me. It’s kind of a perfect storm, if you want to ask me for a favor.”

The door of the bathroom swung open, and they both glanced at the older woman who exited. She paused and gave them a curious look, then smiled and said, “Congratulations, you two.”

Rey nodded, and Ben nodded, and the woman left.

She glanced up at him. “I actually do have to pee now, so…”

He backed hastily away. “I will leave you to it.”

“Great.” She watched until he’d gone, and returned to the bathroom. She quickly texted Finn one last time. _Nevermind. Thank Rose for me. I’m good. Will explain later._

Just as she closed herself in a stall, her phone _Ta-ding_ ed at her.

_Good. Have fun._

The bathroom door opened as Rey was finishing up in her stall, and she heard the continuation of a conversation that didn’t immediately strike her as odd — just two young women talking shit. Then they entered the far stalls and had to raise their voices to keep talking, and Rey caught a little more context while she washed her hands.

“I dunno, I like tall guys.”

“But did you see his _nose_?” A laugh. “Dear God.”

“That poor girl.”

“Poor girl nothing, did you see how she was dressed? Complete trash.”

Rey just stood there, letting her hands drip into the sink as the words washed over her.

“Guess she fits in with that family, then. Did you hear the way they were fighting?”

“Oh my God, I was embarrassed _for_ them.”

“I still say it’s a pity a body like that is wasted on a face like his. Like, goddamn, buddy, you can bend me over the table, just don’t make me look at you.”

“Okay, yeah, those shoulders—”

The conversation cut off as the two women exited their stalls and saw Rey standing at the sink.

Rey met their eyes in the mirror. For a long moment she said nothing, just maintained eye contact.

“This complete trash,” she said quietly, “could break your noses so bad, no surgeon could make you look human again. Then bitches like you could make fun of them.”

“Sorry,” one said, edging toward the door. Her friend followed, and Rey watched them go.

She didn’t give them more than a few seconds’ head start, stalking them back to the dining area. They returned to their table just a little too fast to be graceful on their heels, and Rey knew they saw her watching. They immediately leaned in and started talking fast and low to the people with them, an older couple. Sisters, then? Out with their parents?

It made Rey angrier, that girls who had parents and every advantage had chosen to be vicious bitches.

Their father walked over while Rey was taking her seat.

His first mistake, Rey would later learn, was that he approached Han and not Leia.

His second mistake, Rey knew immediately, was that his pointing finger crossed through Ben’s personal space.

And his third, Rey was delighted to find out, was that he severely underestimated the volatility of the Solo family.

“That girl,” the man said before any of his mistakes came to light, “threatened my daughters in the ladies’ room.”

Han looked at Rey and raised his brows, an amused smile quirking his mouth up on one side. “Really.”

She didn’t care what those girls thought of her, but worry about what the Solos would think made her clasp her hands nervously in her lap. She didn’t lie, though. She wasn’t a coward. “I did.”

Han took a sip of his ice water, the slight smile deepening. “What’d they do?”

She looked at her hands and shrugged one shoulder. “Talked shit. Didn’t check the other stalls first.”

“Huh,” said Han. “What’d they say?”

Rey stared at him. She’d own her words and her actions, but was he really going to make her repeat what they’d said about him and Leia and… and Ben? She glanced at Leia for help, but Leia was watching the stranger with a frown.

“Who cares what they _said_? This girl _threatened violence_ against my daughters.” He jabbed his finger in Rey’s direction, right in front of Ben’s face. “You need to get a handle on your family, sir, or I will have to teach that girl some manners myself.”

Ben grabbed the man’s pointing finger and snapped it backward with a sickening crack. When the man jerked away with a shout, cradling his injured hand and focusing on Ben who was just then rising from his seat, Han surged from his chair to plant a fist in the man’s side in an extremely cheap shot.

Ben stepped forward, his own hands balled into fists, but Leia stopped both Solo men with a word and a gesture.

Leia stood from her chair and strode to the other side of the table and the man who’d raised such abysmally-behaved girls. “You really should have talked to me,” she told him mildly as he examined his hand. “I’m a former Senator. I know how to negotiate. My husband, on the other hand…” She tossed an exasperated look at Han, who grinned. “He’s always believed in a more hands-on approach.”

“I think you broke my finger,” whimpered the man.

“You threatened my son’s soulmate,” Leia said softly, her voice inexorable. “No jury in the world would convict him.”

“I didn’t—”

Ben’s jaw tightened. He took another step forward, but Leia held up her hand and he stopped.

“You threatened to teach her some manners. That could have several different meanings, but traditionally it is a threat. You were angry, gesturing, overwrought. You were _clearly_ not offering to enroll her in charm school. No, you intended violence. And said so in the presence of her _soulmate_ , something everyone in this restaurant can testify that you _knew_ and _ignored_.” Leia leaned in and said, very clearly, her eyes hard, “You are an idiot.”

Then Leia turned, saw Wicket standing nearby, and smiled. “Wicket. Perfect. Could we get the check and some boxes? I think we’d like to finish this at home.” She tossed a disgusted glance at the man slinking off back to his family. “The clientele here has really gone downhill.”

Rey stared at Leia in awe as Wicket did exactly as asked, even squeezing Leia’s hands with a grin of his own.

“You make life interesting, my Leia. Please do come back soon. And be sure to bring the _beautiful_ girl.” He waved a dismissive hand at Ben. “You do not have to bring the moody boy.”

Leia bumped her shoulder into Ben’s while they waited for Wicket to process her card. “He’s just teasing.”

Ben only shook his head, jaw tight. He hadn’t spoken once since snapping that man’s finger.

Han handed Ben his keys. “You kids go wait in The Falcon. We’ll be right behind you.”

But Wicket caught Rey on the way out and pressed a takeout box in her hands with a wink. “It is for sharing.”

“Um, thanks.”

She followed Ben to his dad’s van and climbed into the back when he opened the door for her. Ben tossed the keys in the driver’s seat and dropped onto the bench seat beside her.

“Are you okay?” he asked in the quiet of the sun-warmed van.

She blinked up at him, surprised that he'd be concerned about _her_ after snapping someone's finger. “Yes.”

“Whatever they said,” he added quickly, “they’re stupid. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

It took her an embarrassingly long time to realize that Ben thought those girls had been talking shit about _her_.

Well, they had. But… “I’m a foster kid,” she said. “I have thick skin.” She shrugged and looked at the box between her hands. “I wasn’t upset by anything they said about _me_.”

In her periphery, she saw his face turn toward her, his mouth pulled into a frown as the implication sank in. He then looked at the back door, and Rey let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

Let him wonder which of his family they’d made fun of. Let him writhe with unsatisfied curiosity.

Let him wonder if she’d been defending _him_.

Rey opened the box to peek inside. Her gasp drew Ben’s attention, and she let the box lid fall open and lifted it to show him. She met his eyes without thinking about it and breathed, “Cake.”

Ben’s brows lifted. “Yes, that’s cake.”

Rey’s mouth filled with saliva in anticipation. She _never_ got cake. Never. Not even for her birthday. Not since Maz.

She closed the box, but she couldn’t stop staring at it.

“Go ahead,” said Ben, slumping down so he could rest his head on the back of the bench seat, big hands folded over his stomach. “Nobody will mind.”

“But there’s more than one fork,” she pointed out, reverently opening the box again to show him the plastic utensils alongside one large, pristine slice of brown-crumbed cake that someone had drizzled with… Rey sniffed. Honey? And sprinkled with what looked like walnuts.

He lifted his head far enough to peer inside. “There are two forks. I’m pretty sure he meant it to be for us, and you can have my half.” He nodded at her. “Go ahead. His honey cake is really good.”

Rey bit her lip. “Your parents won’t mind?”

“They won’t mind. Now eat it. I can _see_ you drooling.”

Rey wiped at her mouth, but there was no drool to be found. She shot him a glare, only to find him smirking at her, and she whipped her attention back to the cake so that she wouldn’t have to think about the way that smirk made her feel.

The first bite made her moan. “Oh my God.” She had never had cake like this before. The few times Maz had picked up a cake for Rey’s birthday, it had been a sheet cake from the supermarket that Maz had gotten on sale. Rey had _loved_ those cakes.

This, though. This blew those supermarket cakes out of the water. “It’s so good.”

Ben had sat up and was watching her with a vaguely alarmed expression.

Rey swallowed self-consciously. “What? Do I have something on my face?”

He shook his head, his eyes falling briefly to her lips. Rey rubbed the back of her hand across her mouth in case he’d spotted crumbs there.

Ben leaned so he could look past her out the front window. “They’re taking their time, huh?”

Without his intense gaze on her, Rey felt comfortable digging back into the cake.

She’d just taken another bite, a helpless noise leaving her throat, when he got up and opened the door.

“I’m going to see if they need help carrying anything,” he said as he hopped out and shut the door behind himself, leaving Rey alone in the warm van.

With the cake.

Rey loaded up her fork, stuck a fresh bite into her mouth, and closed her eyes in utter bliss. “Oh God, it’s so good.”

* * *

What the actual _fuck_?

Cake.

Goddamn cake.

How did something as innocuous as _cake_ turn his underage soulmate into a porno soundtrack?

Ben had to get hold of himself before he went inside. His parents would definitely notice if he walked in in full panic mode.

He’d literally run away from her, which had been… not his most urbane moment.

Sixteen. Sixteen sixteen sixteen.

And when she turned eighteen, he would feed her cake and then lick—

No. No, sixteen. Right now, she was sixteen. No thinking about later. That way lay madness and frustration and inconvenient boners. He had to keep his head in the here-and-now, because Ben genuinely did not think that way about sixteen-year-olds. Even Rey, adorable and freckled and moaning over cake — why the fuck did she have to do that? — made him feel dirty in the not-fun way when he thought about her and sex.

Once Ben was sure his face looked normal and not like he was running for his life, he stepped into the restaurant.

His parents were on their way out, Wicket walking them to the door.

“We’re ready to go,” said his mother.

Ben hesitated a moment and caught Wicket’s eye. Ah, fuck it. “She likes the cake. Thanks.”

Wicket grinned. “Any time, dear moody boy.” Softer, more sincere, the old Greek added, “We have missed you. Come back soon, yes?”

Ben nodded. “Sure.” When his mother made him.

His mother reached up and brushed his hair out of his face. “You need a haircut.”

He grumbled and followed his parents to The Falcon. He hoped Rey had finished that stupid cake so that they wouldn’t hear her making those noises.

He disliked the thought of _anyone_ hearing her make those noises.

And, okay, yes, he was willing to admit that the soulmate bond had stirred up feelings of jealousy and possessiveness and even the urge to protect and defend her — not that she needed it.

He’d wanted to kick _his own_ ass when he’d made her cry. He’d felt like the lowest piece of shit on earth. It had only been three days, and he’d already made her cry.

Wasn’t this supposed to be easy? That’s what popular wisdom said, not that Ben ever listened to popular wisdom, but that one idea had been so pervasive, it had wiggled its way even into _his_ subconscious.

Soulmates was supposed to be easy. Effortless.

Not the drowning feeling that came with making a girl cry, multiplied by a million because this wasn’t just _any_ girl, it was _the_ girl, _his_ girl, the girl the universe had put there specifically for Ben.

And he’d _fucking_ made her cry like a huge jackass.

And then he’d wanted to murder that guy for pointing at her and talking like she was some… some… _fuck_ , he just hadn’t liked the way he’d been talking about her. It had been his tone, there had definitely been a tone, and Ben had wanted to murder him. The rest was a little bit fuzzy. Rage did that to him sometimes.

And the fact that she’d gone to someone else — that _Finn_ kid — when she’d needed something, that had rankled. It had been such a small thing, too. An easy fix, not worth obsessing over.

But it shouldn’t have surprised him, given the way he and his parents had torn each other’s throats out and then the way he’d made her cry. It would be a fucking miracle if she didn’t file a restraining order against all three of them the moment she got home.

Except… she’d threatened those young women for his family. And maybe, just maybe… for him, too.

It wasn’t much, but when he climbed back in the van and saw her smile sheepishly over the empty takeout box in her lap, he felt… hope.


	8. Founding

On Monday, Rey went through the school day tired but happy. Han and Leia had taken her straight home after dinner. They hadn’t wanted to keep her out late on a school night but promised to have her over to their actual house and get takeout instead of Leia trying to cook, something Rey now knew that Leia rarely did, and introduce her to Ben’s Uncle Chewie.

And Ben had actually said “good night” and had _looked at her_ when he’d said it, and she may or may not have hallucinated the slightest smile — it’d been dark out by that point — which raised the number of times where he’d both looked at _and_ talked to her to… well, it certainly was more than twice, that was for sure.

Rey had hid in her room, eating her dinner (Leia had kindly handed Rey the box of untouched souvlaki when they'd dropped her off) while trying to figure out the exact number. One when he’d told her to go to the nurse the first time, one when he’d told her to go to the nurse the second time, one when he’d fetched her from her room, one when he’d asked her to drive… had he looked at her on the drive at all? She’d been watching the road and couldn’t remember, but he hadn’t said much, and she was counting times he’d been looking at her while talking specifically _to_ her, so she added a half to her total as a just in case. Then they’d been in the van and at the restaurant and he didn’t look at her at all during dinner, she remembered that, but he did look at her in the hall and talk to her, but should that count as one or two? Because he’d stopped looking at her at one point and then started again. Did it count as more than one if they both happened in the same conversation?

But he’d definitely looked at her in the van when she’d wanted to eat the cake, and then again when he told her goodnight.

So… seven or eight and one-half.

She kept this tally to herself, even at her locker Monday morning as Finn reminded her she owed him details.

“Yeah, yeah,” she told him. “I’ll tell you about it at lunch.”

“Cool,” said Finn.

Except they didn’t get to lunch. Right after second period, Finn showed up at Rey’s locker out of breath and told her, “Mr. Solo is holding a meeting for a robotics club at lunch today! In his room! Anyone interested should be there. Oh my God, what did you do to get him to do that?!”

Rey shook her head, stunned. “Um… his mom told him to, I think.” She didn’t think he’d been listening, but apparently Ben Solo obeyed his mother.

Or at least humored her.

It was… sweet.

Rey felt a slow smile spread across her face. She met Finn’s shining eyes. “Oh my God, we’re going to have a robotics club.”

Finn laughed as Rey jumped up and down, shrieking in delight. He was far too manly to join her, but afterward he wrapped her in a huge bear hug and twirled her around before setting her on her feet.

“Okay,” Rey said, switching from excited rejoicing to excited planning. “We have to tell Rose, she’ll want in on this — oh! and Jessika Pava.”

“Rose knows already.”

“Right,” Rey said, snapping her fingers. “You have the same English class.”

“She would’ve come with me to tell you, but she had to run to P.E.” The gym and Ben’s classroom were pretty far apart. Rey didn’t envy Rose the jog to make it before the bell. “Do you see Jessika before lunch?”

“No.” They had German together, but that was their last period of the day. “Do you have her number?”

“I don’t, but Poe might.” He tugged out his phone.

“Ooh, see if he can spread the word in general.”

“I am on it.” He started walking backward as he texted. “I need to run to make it to Spanish. You good?”

She grinned and lifted onto her toes, her whole body humming with delight. “I am _great_.”

* * *

It was the first time Rey had been in Ben’s classroom since the soulmate bond. She entered with Finn and Rose, only a little nervous, and read the board to avoid looking at him.

He had his nose in a paperback novel to avoid looking at her.

She’d vaguely recalled that he had excellent handwriting, but now she studied it. The words sat in a perfectly straight row, as if he’d used a guide, but she’d seen him write that way during class and knew he was just _that_ scarily accurate. He also wrote in cursive, which she’d hated when she took his class because who wrote in cursive anymore? But she’d powered through, frantically recalled her third grade classes on cursive, and could now decipher the letters he’d looped together in a firm, flowing, almost artistic hand.

“Let’s sign in,” said Finn, who’d also been reading the board.

They lined up, Finn and Rose chatting happily, and Ben slid some stapled papers across his desk toward them. “Club application,” he said.

Rey picked it up with a resigned laugh. “You _really_ like paperwork,” she told him.

He blinked, his only indication of surprise, and raised a noncommittal brow at her. “It’s a necessary evil.”

She took the packet back to the desks she and her friends had staked out, and they shoved their desks together to go over the papers.

It was a standard application. The faculty sponsor section had been filled out, and Rey had just started filling out the student section when Poe and Jessika Pava and a gaggle of other students arrived and started finding seats and signing in.

Honestly, it was way too many people for a fledgling club that had been cobbled together with almost no notice, clear evidence of Poe's popularity. Rey wondered how many of the girls entering behind him — because of course it was mostly girls — were interested in the club and how many only wanted to spend time with the cutest senior in school.

The volume in the room went up exponentially, and Ben glowered at the newcomers over his book and the tops of his reading glasses.

“Bring it down,” he ordered, and the decibels dropped even if the excitement levels didn’t.

Poe grabbed a seat next to Rey. “So what are we doing?”

“Paperwork,” she said primly.

Jessika Pava stopped beside Poe and leaned over Rey's shoulder to get a look. “Do we have officers in mind?”

“Rey should be treasurer,” said Finn.

Rey raised her head and blinked at him. “What?”

“I mean, if we _have_ a treasurer,” he added and glanced at Jessika Pava.

“Shouldn’t we have elections or something?” asked a black-haired boy who dragged his desk over and wedged himself between Rose and Finn. “Do it democratically?”

Finn turned to Rey, hooked his fingers casually behind his head, and spoke so his voice carried. “Rey, what’s five hundred and twenty-seven times… six million, eight hundred thousand, and… twenty two?”

Rey blushed but performed like a good little math monkey. “Six billion, five hundred eighty-three million, six hundred eleven thousand, five hundred ninety-four.”

“Divided by seventy-eight.”

“Forty-five million, nine hundred forty-three thousand, seven hundred thirty-eight… point four, rounded up.”

Everyone stared at her, then looked at each other.

“Is she right?” asked the black-haired boy.

Finn shrugged. “I dunno. Anyone have a calculator?”

Someone got out a calculator, and Rey passed the paperwork over to Rose while she jumped through mathematical hoops for the onlookers.

“Okay, okay,” said Jessika Pava. “I think we’re convinced. If we need a treasurer, Rey should definitely be the top candidate.”

“Wow, you’re _super_ smart,” said a girl who’d pulled a desk into a cluster with her friends.

Rey shrugged.

“I guess that makes sense, though, since you’re soulmates with a teacher and all.” The speaker, a petite brunette, shot a covert glance at Ben, who continued reading even though he looked annoyed — though that didn’t mean anything; he’d looked annoyed since they all came in.

The girl leaned toward Rey and asked quietly, “So have you two, like… you know?” She tilted her head suggestively, and the instant silence of the other teenagers meant that she hadn’t been quiet _enough_.

“What?” Rey asked, her face turning hot. “I… what?”

“Hey,” Finn cut in with a furious glare. “Leave her alone.”

“That was really inappropriate,” agreed Jessika Pava.

“Rude,” added Rose.

The girl scoffed and sat back. “Sorry.”

Rey had never been more thankful for her friends.

The rude girl, whose name Rey soon learned was Lusica, spent the rest of the lunch hour talking in low tones with her friends. They looked a lot at Ben, who ignored everyone and read his novel.

Rose finished the paperwork in record time, and Ben set his book aside to look over it.

Lusica approached his desk and tapped the discarded book. “Stephen King?”

He didn’t look up or acknowledge her in any way.

Lusica picked it up and read the back. “Cool.”

Ben did look up then, to fix Lusica with a glare over his reading glasses. Rey couldn’t tell if he’d heard Lusica’s prying earlier or if he just hated people touching his stuff, but he held his hand out and Lusica placed the book into his palm. She didn’t brush her fingers across his, and Rey thought that was a deliberate choice, which meant Lusica wasn’t flirting or trying to make Rey jealous. Instead, she turned, met Rey’s eye, and walked over to whisper directly in Rey’s ear, “You are going to have _so_ much fun with him.” She drew back, grinned, and winked, leaving Rey unsettled.

She saw Ben watching them with a frown. He raised a brow, but Rey shook her head. That was _not_ a comment she wanted to share with the class.

So to speak.

Finn pulled his lunch bag onto his desk and opened it up, cueing others to do the same. He handed Rey the extra string cheese he always brought for her, taking the opportunity to ask what Lusica had whispered.

Rey shrugged, unwrapped the cheese stick, and took a bite.

Finn shook his head at her. “It hurts to watch you eat.”

Rey chewed and opened her eyes innocent-wide as if they hadn’t had some variation of this exchange fifty times already. “What’s wrong with the way I eat?”

Finn opened his cheese and tugged a string off, tilting his head all the way back to dangle it into his mouth. “You have to finesse it,” he explained. “Draw it out. _Savor_ it.”

“I _am_ savoring it. In my stomach, where it belongs.”

Casually, Finn asked, “No lunch today?”

Rey winced. “Didn’t have time before I left.” She’d been trying to avoid Plutt. He’d been in rare form last night when she’d arrived home with her takeout box and a silly grin on her face. She’d had to hand over her phone immediately, which she’d done without complaint. He couldn’t unlock it without the code, and she’d known it would be forfeit for the next few weeks. A month, in fact. Rey had taken that without complaint, as well. She’d explained to Ben that there would be consequences for the way Plutt had lost face, so it wasn’t like she hadn’t been prepared.

He’d demanded the takeout box as well, ostensibly to check it, but Rey had put her foot down. He would have kept it because he was a greedy pig, so she’d dashed past him and locked herself in her bedroom where he couldn’t take it from her. He’d yelled at her through the door for a few minutes and then gave up and left after tacking another week onto her grounding for “insubordination.”

Rey had rolled her eyes and stopped inhaling her food so she could chew it, and _oh_ it had been so good. She wished she’d left some for her lunch today, but she’d eaten all of it. Not a good idea to let meat sit out overnight, anyway, and she couldn’t put anything in the fridge that she didn’t want Plutt to steal. He was reasonable about her personal property, but the gloves came off when it came to food.

“Here,” said Finn, handing her a sandwich identical to his own. “My mom made too much.”

She accepted it, even though she knew his mom packed extra specifically for Rey. Finn never admitted it, and Rey had never asked, but they both knew he’d told his mom about Plutt. From the way Finn’s mom looked at her, Rey was pretty sure she thought Plutt starved her, which wasn't at all true. Rey had _access_ to food, and even if Plutt didn't go out of his way to make sure she ate, Rey wasn't afraid to scavenge his cabinets for her daily calories.

She could have been much worse off. Plutt had never taken food away as a punishment or used it as a bargaining chip — probably because it would call too much attention if anyone found out, but also because it wouldn't do much good to deny food to the person _making_ the food, and Rey suspected that Plutt liked her cooking enough not to endanger that arrangement.

Rey was only happy she hadn't told Finn anything that could get Rey moved to a different home outside the district, and if Plutt's bad parenting got her a truly excellent sandwich every now and then… at least her friends had stopped trying to buy her lunch in the cafeteria. And she could tell herself that it was a kind of payment for helping Finn with his math.

“I don’t really want my apple,” said Rose. “Anybody else want it?”

Rey looked at Poe and Finn to see if they were going to take it, even though she knew they weren’t, just as all four of them knew Rose was offering the apple _specifically_ to Rey.

They all _also_ knew that Rey wouldn’t take it if Rose just tried to give it to her.

It was a strange dance, but it soothed Rey’s pride enough to let her accept the gifts.

“I’ll take it,” said Jessika Pava.

Rose blinked at the senior girl, hesitating before she handed it over.

Rey bit into Finn’s extra sandwich and pretended she hadn’t wanted the apple in the first place. Rose _had_ offered it to anyone, and Jessika Pava had never hung out with them before.

Rey’s face burned with shame when she realized Poe or Finn or somebody would probably pull Jessika aside after lunch and fill her in.

Rey was poor. Rey was hungry. Rey was to be pitied and coddled. Poor, wretched orphan.

Rey stood up, stuffing the rest of her pity sandwich into her backpack. “I forgot a book in my locker. See you later?”

She felt confident that her voice remained steady and her face didn’t give anything away as she shouldered her backpack and left the room.

God, she hoped it didn’t seem like she was pissed about the apple. It probably did. She should have just waited for the end of lunch, acted like nothing was the matter. It was just... she  _hated_ the fact that soon one more person would think she was some sort of victim of neglect when really she was just too busy to make her own PBJ some mornings.

She didn’t want to face it. Not right then. So Rey hid in a bathroom stall until the bell rang, studiously ignoring the helpless tears that dripped onto Finn’s mom’s sandwich.

Yeah. She was pathetic.

* * *

When the bell was about to ring and the students started packing up to go, Ben reminded everyone to clean up their trash. Rey had left early, and he’d kept only half an eye on the room after that, sinking into the preferable company of his book.

As everyone filed out to visit lockers or bathrooms or whatever lunchtime routine they preferred, he saw Poe Dameron lead a tall Asian girl further away from the others and closer to Ben’s desk. He could overhear them if he wanted, which he didn’t until he heard Rey’s name.

“Oh my God, I didn’t know,” said the girl, a hand over her mouth.

“No, no,” Dameron assured her, “you didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, obviously you didn’t know, and it’s not like there’s a law.”

“I just didn’t know. I mean, she’s always so _peppy_ in eighth period. God, I feel awful.”

“You shouldn’t. I mean it. Rey would hate it if she thought you felt sorry for her, anyway. She can’t stand charity. Finn and Rose have to pretend they don’t want something just so she’ll take it. Once, Finn actually _threw away_ his extra sandwich to prove he wasn’t going to eat it.”

“It’s good she has friends like that,” said the girl, wrapping her arms around herself.

“It’s not like she’s starving,” Dameron said, still in reassurance mode. “It’s not _super_ bad. I mean, she eats at home. I think she even does a lot of the cooking. She just doesn’t always have food _here_.”

“Is it like a _money_ thing? Or a…”

“It’s because her foster dad doesn’t give a shit about her. That’s what Finn says, anyway. If she wants lunch, she has to make it herself, and she doesn’t always have time.”

“Wow. That’s…”

“I didn’t tell you any of this. Okay? She would kill me.”

“I just never would have guessed.”

“She’s doing okay. She’s a survivor — _super_ independent, you know?” Dameron stuck his hands in his pockets and smiled his charming smile. “You should really hang out with her sometime.”

The girl left, but Dameron lingered. The smile slowly faded from his face. Grim, he asked, “You get all that?”

Ben nodded.

A muscle jumped in Dameron’s jaw, and his eyes flashed. “Good.” He glanced at Ben. “You ever get the chance to fuck that guy up, I wanna be there to see it.”

Ben was tempted to smile, but the subject matter bothered him too much. “Noted.”


	9. Calories

Rey made sure to slap a lunch together the next morning, even though she didn’t _entirely_ trust the cleanliness of the knife she used to spread the peanut butter and jelly.

She wouldn’t be taking any more handouts this week.

It confused her, then, when she got a note from the office saying she’d forgotten her lunch at home and Plutt had dropped it off.

Rey checked her locker and found the foil-wrapped PBJ where she’d left it.

She told Finn about the mystery, and he seemed just as baffled as Rey.

“Want me to come with you?” he asked.

“No, you go ahead and join the others. I’ll see what’s up and be right there.”

The school secretary smiled when Rey arrived. She seemed to remember Rey from the soulmate debacle, and she tried to make small-talk as she dug up a very nice and utterly perplexing insulated lunch bag and passed it to Rey over the counter.

Rey carried the dark, plain bag into the hallway before she unzipped it to poke around inside.

A roast beef sandwich, a thermos that smelled like soup, and plastic utensils.

 _There._ At the bottom, a plain piece of lined paper had been folded into a square. Rey drew it out and unfolded it.

She recognized the handwriting immediately, and her stomach sank.

> _Lunch meat and canned soup is literally the fanciest thing I can make. Drop the bag off in my classroom before you leave today, and I’ll bring something different tomorrow. If you don’t want anyone to see you picking it up from me, I can leave it in your locker before school starts. In that instance, I would need your combination._
> 
> _~Ben_

Rey’s first shaky thought was _Who told?_ but she immediately realized that he would have seen Finn give her the extra sandwich from his lunch. Still, that didn’t exactly prove anything. Other kids in the room had skipped lunch that day, it would have been easy enough to miss it, or at least miss the _relevance_ of it.

She took the lunch bag to her locker and stuffed it inside, pulling her PBJ out instead. She kept the note in her pocket and took her crappy sandwich to the cafeteria, sitting beside Finn and Rose and eating slowly as she tried to work through the problem.

At some point, Rey realized they had stopped talking and were looking at her.

“Are you okay?” asked Finn.

“Yeah.”

Finn shared a look with Rose. “You’re chewing.”

Rey frowned. “I’m not allowed to chew?”

“You’re allowed, but... you don’t. You _inhale_ food.”

Rose nodded, her sweet face creased into a worried frown. “You eat like someone is about to take the food away from you.”

“We make fun of you for it behind your back,” Finn assured her. "All the time. It's our favorite hobby."

Rey rolled her eyes and took another bite of her PBJ. “It’s fine. I’m just thinking.”

Finn saw more than she wanted him to. “It’s about that lunch Plutt dropped off?”

He must have filled in Rose, because she didn’t react.

“It wasn’t Plutt,” Rey admitted reluctantly. “It was Ben.”

“What?!” exclaimed Rose, almost shooting out of her seat with a huge grin. “That’s so sweet!”

Rey glared and motioned Rose back down. “Will you be quiet? You’re causing a scene.”

Rose’s face fell, but she kept her voice down and leaned forward so no one else would overhear. “Sorry. But isn’t that great?”

“Did you look inside?” asked Finn.

“It looked really good,” she admitted.

Both of them looked at the sad PBJ in Rey’s hands, and she sighed. “I don’t want pity food.”

Finn winced, and it was Rose who took up the banner of the argument. “But it’s not pity food. I mean, your soulmate made you lunch. It’s romantic. Don’t you think it might hurt his feelings if you don’t eat it?”

“He doesn’t _have_ feelings,” she muttered and immediately felt bad about it. “Okay, maybe he does, but… this isn’t romance, it’s something else.” She fidgeted with her PBJ. “Did either of you… _say_ anything to him yesterday? Or, like, in front of him?”

They shook their heads.

“Okay.” She sighed and pulled the note from her pocket. “What do you make of this, then?”

Finn read over it silently, and his brows went up.

Rey gestured. “Why would he do that? Why would he talk about doing it again tomorrow?”

Finn handed it to Rose and speared Rey with his most serious look. “I don’t know, but _thank fucking God._  It is about time someone fed you properly.”

Rey drew back, startled. “Excuse me?”

“You’re always hungry, Rey, always, and you never let us help. It’s like pulling teeth. And it hurts, it really _hurts_ to see you go hungry when you don’t have to, to have you resist every single little thing.”

Rey flinched. She hadn't known he'd felt this way. “Finn…”

“It’s not a bad thing to let people help you once in a while.”

Rose handed the note back to Rey, who accepted it mutely.

“What I want to know,” said Rose, “is why you aren’t eating what he made you. You said yourself it looked good.”

Rey stumbled over her answer. “I just… I don’t feel comfortable…”

“What, eating a lunch your soulmate made you? That’s dumb. You’re being dumb.” Rose wasn't being mean, but Rey still bristled.

Finn started packing his things away. “Come on. We’re gonna go see him.”

“What?!” Rey hated how high and panicky her voice sounded just then.

“You heard me.”

Finn and Rose herded Rey out of the cafeteria, blocking her verbal excuses for why they didn’t need to do this, and Rey found herself swept along on the tide of their determination.

Ben was reading at his desk and eating a plain roast beef sandwich just like the one he'd made her. Instead of speaking, he set his things down and gestured for them to sit.

Finn got right to it. “Rey still won’t eat.”

Rey kept her back straight but looked at the corner of Ben’s desk instead of him. “I’ll eat. I ate,” she said, “I just don’t want handouts.”

“You’ve been taking handouts for years,” Finn said, his words brutal. “No need to get fussy about them now.”

Ow. _That_ hurt.

“She needs an intervention,” Finn said simply. “She’s being stupid.”

Rey's temper started to boil over, but Ben lifted a large, long-fingered hand.

That motion was enough to silence her.

Ben rested his mouth against his fist and sat quietly, looking at his desktop and thinking. Finally, he took off his reading glasses and lifted his gaze to Rey.

This was not the relaxed soulmate smirking at her in his father’s van or the angry son arguing with his mother over old hurts.

This was Mr. Solo, the English teacher from hell.

“Your foster father doesn’t feed you. Your friends jump through ridiculous hoops to do so. And you don’t always have time to prepare your own food. Is any of this incorrect?”

“He technically—”

Ben slammed his hand down on the desktop, startling her into silence. His eyes were closed, jaw tight as he repeated the question. “Is any of it incorrect?”

Rey shrank back into her chair and bit her lip. “No.”

He opened his eyes and looked straight at her, pinning her there. “The goal is to make sure that you eat. This is non-negotiable.”

He seemed to be waiting for some kind of a response, so Rey nodded.

“The first option, to let things continue as they are, is unacceptable. It puts too much of the burden on minors. The second option is to bring Plutt’s negligence to the attention of Child Protective Services.”

Rey sat up straight in alarm. “ _No._ And it’s not even—” He gave her a sharp look, and she stopped. It occurred to her that he wouldn’t care about words like “technically” or “not legally actionable.”

“The third option is to apply you to the school’s free lunch program, though I’m not sure Plutt’s income is low enough to allow you to qualify."

It wasn't. She'd seen Plutt's finances. Hell, she'd helped him balance his books. That was half the reason she knew he was a petty criminal.

"The fourth is to make a second lunch when I’m making my own, something that doesn’t vary my routine or require any significant extra effort.” He linked his fingers together in front of him. “Which of these options do you prefer? And let me make myself very clear, you _do_ have to pick one.”

Rey drew in on herself and looked at her shoes. Her voice was little more than a whisper. “I guess… the last one is okay.”

“Good. Now that that’s settled, you can either pick your lunch up here in the morning or find some convoluted way to prevent anyone ever knowing where it comes from.”

“I… can give you my locker combination.”

He nodded and slid a pencil and post-it pad toward her. “I’ll pick the bag up at the end of the day, then.”

Rey wrote her locker number and combination on the sticky note and handed it to him.

She and her friends were almost out the door when Ben said, “And Rey? If I find out you aren’t eating again, I _will_ call CPS.” She turned her head enough so that he could see her nod and joined her friends in the hall.

“Traitor,” she muttered at Finn.

“Not even sorry,” he replied.


	10. Elections

Rey found that Ben was a man of his word when, every morning, the plain dark lunch bag appeared in her locker. No further notes accompanied it, and Rey tried to convince herself that she didn’t mind, but she knew it was a lie. Every time she opened the bag, she immediately scanned it for a scrap of white paper, as if she could wish a note into existence.

The lunches were wreaking havoc with Rey's internal accounting system. When she borrowed money from a friend, her entire world tipped off-balance until she paid it back. That was why she avoided borrowing unless she was desperate.

But the lunches from Ben weren’t something she could just pay back. Even though she could roughly calculate the monetary value, the act carried an _emotional_ weight which turned the gesture into something she couldn’t hope to repay.

Which, in turn, sent her internal accounting system into disarray.

The urge to do something in return grew unabated. She mulled it over for days, and she still had nothing by lunch on Friday when the robotics club had its first official meeting to vote for officers.

Rey had expected fewer students than the first meeting, but for some reason Ben’s classroom was packed full, forcing people to stand by the walls after all the seats had been taken.

A number of the newcomers clearly hadn’t had Ben as a teacher before, because he pulled out the silent routine, sitting on his desk with his hands laced between his knees and staring at the talkers until everyone else had gone quiet and uncomfortable, waiting for the speakers to notice.

Like an asshole, he drew it out even after the culprits had fallen silent. He made his point without a single word and drove it home on discomfort.

“Now,” he said quietly, his voice carrying easily across the oppressive silence. “If you're interested in any of the club's officer positions, form a line at the front here. You may put your name under any position or all of them, but you may only serve _one_ role. Once you sign up, line up by the door, and you’ll have one minute to give a short speech. Then everyone votes.” He glanced at a piece of paper next to him on the desk as the officer hopefuls rose and moved to the front. After putting her name under all four positions, Rey joined the line for speeches. She tried not to fidget and forced a friendly smile onto her face, heart beating fast as curious gazes scanned the line. She didn't like speaking in front of groups, but she _really_ wanted to be an officer in the club. If she was honest with herself, she wanted to be president or vice president. She felt a little annoyed with Finn for pigeonholing her as treasurer at the last meeting, but she tried not to hold it against him. She _was_ good with numbers, and he'd been trying to help.

“We have a lot of new people here.” Ben sounded as mystified as Rey felt. She loved robotics, thought everyone ought to, but she hadn’t believed for a moment that the club would be this popular. “Before you leave, you’ll need to sign two sheets. One is for joining the club,” he held up a yellow piece of paper, then lowered it and held up a white one, “and this is a record of today's attendance. The club secretary,” he pointed at the names under “Secretary” on the board behind him, “will keep track of both of these in a binder.” He placed his hand on a large blue binder sitting on his desk. From her vantage, Rey could see that it was mostly empty.

“Dameron,” he called, and Poe hopped up to accept the piece of paper Ben handed him. “I need you to run to the library and make some copies. I don't have enough ballots for everyone.” Ben pulled out his wallet and handed a five dollar bill to Poe. "Ask the librarian to break that for you."

"How many copies?" asked Poe.

Ben scanned the room. "Fifteen."

Poe left, and Ben continued. “Duties of officers. The president runs meetings, plans activities, and works closely with the faculty sponsor." At this, he raised his hand, earning a few chuckles. “The vice president takes over when the president isn’t available and assists the president in most of his or her duties.”

He gestured to the board again. “The secretary handles paperwork, the treasurer handles money. Questions?”

Several hands popped up. He pointed at the nearest.

“What do _you_ do?”

Ben frowned. “Make sure you don’t set anything on fire.” He pointed at the next.

“Do you know a lot about robotics?”

“Nope. Any questions about—”

“Then why are you the faculty sponsor?”

Ben sighed. “I honestly don’t know. Any questions about the officer duties?”

Hands went down.

“Okay, speeches. I’ll set the timer. You stop at the ding even if you’re in the middle of a word.” One flick of his fingers summoned the first applicant, and he twisted the timer’s dial. “Go.”

Rey’s nerves picked up the closer she got to her turn. Jessika Pava had engineering experience from a camp she’d gone to the previous summer, and Rose tinkered with robot kits for fun, something Rey already knew because Rey had worked on a few with her.

When Rey’s turn came, she got an encouraging thumbs-up from Finn.

The click of the timer setting, and… “Go.”

“Hi! I’m Rey. I really really like robotics. I want to go to MIT and work for NASA and send a robot into space. I love everything about robots. The machinery and the programming and the challenge of mastering all the aspects and puzzling out the best way to make something work…” She was rambling. _Qualifications. Focus._  “I have experience with lots of different tools.” She didn’t know why anyone thought that was funny. It threw her for a second. She felt her face flush, and her next words came out with less certainty. “I can weld and solder. I can take apart car engines and put them back together, and I have a good working knowledge of transmission and coolant systems... I haven't had a lot of experience with _working_ mechanical systems, but I've spent a lot of time on broken ones, putting things together in new ways, just seeing what I can come up with--”

 _Ding._ “Time.”

Rey sank into her seat beside Finn and Rose and tried to calm her racing heart.

“That was great,” Finn assured her, and Rose nodded.

Rey glanced toward the three remaining candidates, which included Lusica and the black-haired boy who’d made Rey prove her mathematical qualifications at the previous meeting.

The black-haired boy looked as nervous as Rey had felt but still managed to rattle off an impressive academic resume... for a sophomore.

It turned out that Lusica had nothing to offer. Rey thought she might still do well because she was pretty and pretty people tended to get put in charge of things. The thought made Rey's heart pound even harder. What if her beautiful club got put into the hands of a completely incompetent person? Someone who just wanted to socialize or flirt or... why the hell _was_ Lusica interested in the robotics club?

The answer came quickly and did nothing to soothe Rey's anxiety.

University. Of course. She obviously wanted it for her university applications. Poe was the same, but at least he was courteous enough not to run for an officer slot.

Poe returned during the last speech, and Ben accepted a stack of freshly-printed and halved sheets of paper and his change. Rey realized, then, that Ben hadn't had Poe print fifteen new ballots. There had been two ballots per page, which meant he'd had Poe print  _thirty_.

She took a brief look around and found several people staring curiously back at her. Rey snapped her attention back to the front.

The timer went off, and the final applicant sat down. Ben put the timer away and passed ballots out.

Rey mulled over hers for a full two minutes, agonizing over each choice. She was one of the last ones to turn her ballot in, and Ben had returned to his chair and pulled a book from his desk drawer.

Once the last ballot hit the messy stack on his desk, Ben picked the ballots up, tapped them on the desk to straighten the stack, and slipped his reading glasses on. Someone murmured in the back of the room, and a few soft giggles filled the silence. Others took this as a cue that they could start whispering with their friends, and muted conversations buzzed throughout the room.

Ben ignored the noise.

Rey was watching him with the same intensity as the other candidates, so she saw when he hesitated halfway down the stack and went back through the ballots again, slower. He raised his head, a frown creasing the skin between his brows, and removed his glasses. They made a little clicking noise when he set them on the desk. “Who here knows what this club is for?”

Rey raised her hand hesitantly with the others around her and glanced back as other hands raised. Was it a trick question? She saw a few people glance at the club announcement on the board before raising theirs, double-checking to make sure they were in the right place.

Ben glanced at the ballots in his hand, then back up, his eyes narrowed. His grip was so harsh, it bent the entire stack of paper. “How many of you are here because one of your fellow students is my soulmate?”

Rey heard the rustle of hands going down. She was too mortified to turn and look, but she couldn’t imagine anyone kept their hand up for that.

Ben examined the room carefully and nodded. “That’s what I thought.” He walked to the trash and dropped the ballots in. “I’m going to get coffee in the teacher’s lounge. You have five minutes. If you’re not here for robotics, you need to be gone by the time I get back.” He surveyed the quiet room, not looking at Rey even once, and walked out.

She appreciated that. She knew her face was red, and she didn’t want him drawing attention to her. She kept her eyes on the desktop in front of her, afraid to look up and see all the stares. Her ears strained, and she caught the sounds of backpacks being adjusted, the whispers she couldn't quite make out. She felt their glances on her like physical touches.

Lusica stood and went to the trash, her friends at her heels. She pulled the ballots out, looked through them, and started to laugh. “Wow. Rey for president on, like, twenty of these, with the rest of the spaces blank.”

Jessika Pava joined them, as did the dark-haired boy.

“President works closely with the faculty sponsor,” Finn murmured, and Rey closed her eyes.

 _Fuck._ All of these kids had shown up to gawk at her and Ben?

She felt sick.

Poe stood up and offered one of his patented Poe smiles. “I’ve had Mr. Solo for two years now, and I shit you not, he’s a giant asshole. He’ll make your life a living hell if you piss him off.”

“It’s true,” said one of Lusica's friends, looking up from the ballots. “Everybody hates him.” She glanced quickly at Rey. “No offense.”

Rey shook her head. “None taken.” She’d hated him, too.

When had that changed? Certainly not with the bond. He’d been even _more_ of an asshole then, not less.

In the van. When he’d smirked at her over the cake. He’d been human, then. Not angry or distant. The golden evening had filtered in the back window, limning him with soft light, and he’d been so relaxed. It had been a hint of what things with him might be like, if she ever got past his prickly exterior. Quiet. Intimate. Easy.

"Unless you're interested in robotics," Poe continued in his friendly way, "you really should go because, I swear to God, Mr. Solo isn't the only person you should be afraid of pissing off here." Rey's head came up, and she stared at Poe, whose tense jaw belayed the easy smile stretching his lips.

Rose put a hand on Rey's shoulder and stood up also, followed by Finn and then Jessika, the four of them forming a protective circle with Rey at the center.

Perhaps emboldened by the show of support, the dark-haired boy stood and cleared his throat. "I'm here for robotics," he said, and Poe motioned him into the group. The boy's cheeks flushed pink as he joined them.

Lusica shrugged and rose like a queen to join the circle around Rey, her followers following. She didn't say anything, just crossed her arms, cocked one hip out, and looked judgmental.

The exodus started with those already standing. They didn't have to get up and gather their things, only walk to the door and slip out. In the midst of this, three girls got up from their seats and joined the retreat. Then five embarrassed freshmen skittered away, followed by a steady trickle of others until maybe fourteen people remained, including Lusica and her friends.

“I didn’t know you were interested in robotics,” Jessika said to Poe as the bulwark around Rey dispersed and everyone slid back into their chosen seats.

He shrugged. “I’m not, really, but this seems to be what all the cool kids are doing.” He grinned and spread his arms. “I’m nothing if not a follower.”

Rey snorted, because that was the furthest thing from the truth. Poe was popular because he was a leader -- brash and outgoing and opinionated -- which made Rey feel even more thankful that he hadn't applied for club president. He probably would have won.

“I hope you intend to particulate, at least, Dameron,” said Ben, who’d just returned with a paper coffee cup in hand. His gaze cut across the emptied space, and Rey thought she saw a flash of vicious satisfaction pass over his face.

“Yessir,” Poe replied easily. “I might not be a gearhead like some of these brainiacs, but I’ll put in the work. Besides, my mom _loves_ the idea.” He sketched a circle with his hands. “She wants me to look well-rounded.”

Ben only nodded and picked up blank ballots. “Let’s try this voting thing again.”

One of Lusica’s friends raised her hand. It wasn't the one who'd said everyone hated Ben -- that one had been a redhead, and this girl had blonde hair pulled into twin buns. “What if you don’t know someone’s name?”

“Introduce yourself,” Ben replied and handed Lusica the stack. Lusica took one and passed the rest.

The blonde girl turned to the black-haired sophomore boy who’d signed up for all four positions just like Rey. “What’s your name?”

“Dopheld Mitaka.”

The girl nodded and stuck out a hand. “Kaydel Ko Connix.”

They shook hands solemnly and turned to their ballots.

The voting went faster this time, and Ben took the ballots to the board and put marks beside names as he tallied the results.

Rey got treasurer. Of course. After her matholympics at the previous meeting, it was inevitable.

Jessika Pava got president, which made sense. She had engineering experience and was a senior.

Rose got vice president, and Rey quelled her jealousy in order to give her friend a congratulatory hug.

Rey suspected that Lusica would have gotten secretary, being super pretty and everything, _if_ she'd signed up for it, but she'd only put her name down for president and vice president and had lost both to more qualified candidates. Which was comforting. It boded well that the officer roles had been given to qualified people.

The role for secretary was filled by Dopheld Mitaka, which proved you should never underestimate a geek’s willingness to overwork himself.

Which Rey could empathize with, being a huge geek herself.

Dopheld beamed delightedly as Ben dropped the club binder in front of him.

“Congratulations,” Ben told him. “Your first job is to record the club officers in the official record.”

Dopheld did so solemnly.

Jessika Pava whooped, and then they were all cheering, high fiving each other, and hugging. Even Ben cracked a smile, and as they settled down to plan the club's future, Rey decided that treasurer wouldn't be so bad after all. She'd be good at it, anyway, and the club needed competent officers.

And _holy crap_ she'd lucked out by not getting secretary. Who actually _volunteered_ to do paperwork? Besides Ben and Dopheld, obviously, but they were anomalies.

“A few quick things,” Ben said when they finished planning and got out their lunches. He didn't look at Rey or the lunch he'd prepared her, even though the bag now sat like a road flare on her desk, calling, “Look at me! Look at me! Look at this secret thing you do for your soulmate!” with every atom of its plain, stationary existence. Rey knew Finn and Rose were more than aware of it, and it made her extra self-conscious.

“Due to this club starting later in the year than others, we kind of get screwed on after-school time slots. Unless there are objections, we'll meet during lunch on Wednesdays and Fridays. One alternative is to meet in the morning before school—” A collective groan prompted him to say, “Yes, I agree. The other option is the weekend, but I wasn’t sure about transportation. It’s definitely an option for large projects or extended meetings, although I’m more available on Saturdays.”

“What do you do on Sundays?” asked Lusica.

Ben continued as if Lusica hadn't spoken. “Since it’s a lunch club, you can eat in here, but you have to clean up after yourselves. I'm not your nanny.

“Talking and texting is fine, but keep the noise level reasonable. You’re old enough to know what that is.

“The president and other officers will make their own rules about what they want from members. Make _any_ effort and don’t disrupt club activities, and I won't get on your case. You’ll mostly be policing yourselves, and I’ll settle disputes.

“Don’t set anything on fire, don’t blow anything up, don’t start the robot uprising.” He got a few weak chuckles at that. “That’s all.”

He returned to his desk chair and took a dark blue insulated lunch bag — different from her charcoal one but similar in aesthetic — out of one of his desk drawers. He unloaded it onto the desk, slipped his glasses on, and leaned back to read while he ate.

Rey’s friends took their phones out and checked them, talking in low voices while they texted and ate, and the room was peaceful.

“Plutt still have your phone?” Finn asked, glancing at Rey.

“Yup,” she replied.

He slipped his phone back into his backpack, a show of solidarity that she appreciated. “That sucks.”

She shrugged. “It’s fine. I canceled my phone plan for the month, so I’m saving money.” She tried not to think about the fact that her ham and cheese sandwich looked _exactly_ like Ben's.

“Maybe you’ll save enough for a prom dress,” said Rose. “And we can go shopping for them together!”

Rey laughed. “I doubt it.” When Rose’s expression fell, Rey added, “But I’d love to help you pick out yours. I mean, I have _zero_ fashion sense, but I’m great at faking it. Watch.” She arranged her face into her best imitation of impressed. “Ooh, wow, that’s brilliant. You look amazing.”

“Your fashion sense is as good as mine,” protested Finn.

Rose patted Finn’s arm. “It’s all right, I’m fashion-blind too. My sister is the one who makes sure I don’t leave the house in overalls and galoshes.” Rose’s hand lingered on Finn’s arm longer than was necessary. She didn’t seem to notice, but Finn looked at Rose with a warm smile.

Rey pretended she hadn’t seen any of it, even though it meant that they’d finally reached an understanding after _months_ of dancing around each other.

She’d ask Finn about it later, when there weren’t a ton of witnesses.

“No, look,” said Finn, pulling his phone back out. “This is the dress I helped Rey pick out for... um... a thing.”

 _Nice save_ , she thought wryly, shaking her head.

He scrolled through his phone’s pictures, and Rey remembered him taking a snapshot so she could get a different angle when she’d modeled it at the shop. “Here.” He handed the phone to Rose, who examined it and smiled.

“Aw, I think you look really cute.”

“Let me see,” said Lusica, who’d come to hover at Rose’s shoulder. Two of her friends joined her, and she tugged Finn’s phone from Rose’s hand.

The three girls looked at it, and Rey felt her face heat up as their expressions changed.

“O-kay,” said Lusica, holding it toward Finn using only two fingers, as if afraid she’d get something on her. Rey might not be a great judge of fashion, but she definitely knew when someone was being a bitch. “That was, like, for a date?” asked Lusica, her gaze skirting toward Ben at his desk.

Rey shook her head. “No. It was a different thing.”

“Still,” Lusica said, eyeing Finn’s phone as he tucked it away.

“Lay off,” snapped Finn.

Rey blushed harder, but she was more annoyed that Finn felt the need to fight her battles. “It’s fine,” she told him.

“If you need something to borrow,” said Kaydel Ko Connix with a fluttery sort of nervousness. “You’re taller than me, but I have some maxi dresses that might fit you.”

Rose perked up at that. “Actually, Rey, you’re close to Paige’s size. I’m sure she’d be willing to lend you stuff, and she has _really_ good taste.”

Jessika appeared, her long braid brushing Rey's shoulder as she leaned toward Finn. “Can I see?”

Finn looked at Rey, who shrugged, and he pulled his phone back out. “Sure.”

Jessika looked, Dopheld leaning around her because of course _everyone_ had to look now, and handed the phone back to Finn without comment. “If you’re into borrowing clothes, my mom keeps buying me these sundresses I never wear.” She rolled her eyes. “I am _not_ a girly-girl. Anyway, we’re not the _exact_ same size, but dresses are super forgiving." She shrugged and stepped away, nonchalant. "You’re welcome to borrow anything in my closet but my sneakers. I need those for practice.” She feigned a jump-shot and grinned, then shrugged again. “No pressure, though. You look fine to me.”

“My turn,” said Poe, holding out a hand. He pursed his lips and tilted his head as if that would give him a new angle on the dress. “Yep. Still cute.” He handed it back to Finn and tossed a wink at Rey. “But then, you always are no matter what you wear.”

“Careful, Poe,” Rey replied, brushing at the shoulder closest to him and leaning away. “You’re getting your smarm on me.” Rey rubbed at the spot with her thumb. “Ugh, I think it’s _oil_ -based.”

Poe tossed his head back and laughed. “Oh,” he said, pressing a hand over his heart and flashing those perfect teeth. “You wound me.”

“She calls it like it is,” said Jessika with a grin.

Poe bantered with Jessika — _Jess_ — for a bit, while everyone finished their lunches. When they started picking up, Poe leaned into Rey and said, “Don’t worry about what other people think, you looked fine. Besides, you could wear a potato sack and still be the classiest person in the room. All you have to do is open your mouth. ‘Jolly good, spot of tea, cheers, brilliant.’”

It was _such_ a bad imitation of her accent that Rey shriek-laughed, causing everyone to stare at them, including Ben. Rey clapped a hand over her mouth to muffle the noise, but she couldn’t stop laughing. Poe grinned at her, crossing his arms while he waited out the storm of giggles, and she waved her free hand at him and gasped, “Do it again.”

“‘Harry Potter, sod off, long live the Queen.’ How’m I doing?”

“Brilliant,” she gasped, doubled over.

He grinned and added, “‘Where’s the loo?’” and Rey _lost it_. She clapped both hands over her mouth, _fell off her chair_ , and put her face between her knees to muffle the noise and try to catch her breath.

“That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard,” she told Poe, wiping tears from her eyes as she picked herself up.

When the bell rang, she slung her backpack on and Finn handed her her lunch bag.

Rey was almost out the door when Ben halted her. “Rey, a moment?”

She nodded at the others to go on and turned back.

“My mother has been trying to reach you to see when you’re next available. I told her I would inquire.”

Rey did a quick mental calculation. “Thirty days.”

Ben’s brows rose. “Thirty?”

Rey shrugged lightly. “Plutt’s an asshole. Is that all you need?”

He hesitated, then nodded. “Yes. Thank you.”

“Sure.” She left for chemistry and tried not to examine how quickly her good mood had deflated.


	11. Brainstorm

On Monday, Rey used the school library’s computers to look up ways to get funding for the robotics club. She sent emails to local businesses to feel them out as sponsors and printed out grant information to take home and look over. She scoured ideas for fundraising activities and printed out even more pages of information on those.

Later, in German class, she talked to Jessika about what she’d dug up and found that Jessika had come up with a few ideas of her own, including the first thing the club ought to save for — a robot-building kit with workbooks and materials so that they could work together in teams to practice the basics.

To get enough for fourteen people, even broken up into three teams, they’d need six hundred dollars.

“Those kits will be a good start,” Jessika whispered as _Frau_ Corbett called for quiet. “And it’s not nearly as expensive as entering a team in a competition. Then we’d be talking thousands.”

On Wednesday, Rey presented the result of her research to the club. Three local businesses had already gotten back to her with their regrets, and Jessika suggested that they’d find it harder to say no if Rey went there in person.

This was where Rey grimaced and had to admit, “I’m grounded for the next twenty-five days.”

“Wow,” said Lusica, sounding impressed. “What’d you _do_? Crash your parents’ car?” When everyone got quiet and Rey just shrugged, Lusica glanced around the room. “What?”

Kaydel leaned in and whispered in Lusica’s ear. Rey saw her lips form the word _orphan_. It wasn’t accurate — no one actually knew if Rey’s parents were dead — but it was preferable to the truth.

Lusica glanced at Rey. “Oh. Sorry.”

She shrugged and returned to listing their options.

“Doing some sort of sale would get the fastest results,” Poe said. “The cheerleaders do a car wash and a bake sale every year.”

“The basketball team sells from a catalog,” said Jessika.

“Band sells chocolate bars,” said Rose.

Dopheld copied all of this down.

“We could do a car wash,” said Lusica. “I mean, obviously we have some exceptions,” she glanced toward Dopheld, and Rey thought she saw her gaze flicker over Rose before returning to her point, “but for a geek squad this club has a definite hotness factor. Stick Poe in a speedo, and you’ll get every soccer mom for miles around lined up to watch him scrub their wheel wells.”

Poe raised an eyebrow, an uncertain smile on his face.

“No one wants to see that,” said Ben from where he was reading, legs stretched out behind his desk.

One of Lusica’s friends, a redhead, raised her hand high. “I want to see that. Like, I would pay money to see that.” She caught Poe’s eye, turned as red as her hair, and dropped her hand.

Poe smirked.

“Heck,” said Lusica, flipping her hair over her shoulder with an expert toss of her head, “get the faculty sponsor in something small and tight—”

Ben raised a finger without lifting his eyes. “No.”

Lusica tossed Rey a conspiratorial wink, which made Rey flush to the roots of her hair. “It’d really help the club.”

Ben lowered his book and looked at Lusica over his glasses. “While I appreciate your enthusiasm for sales, Miss Stynnix, please stop trying to whore me out.”

Lusica pouted. “Not even to make the treasurer’s life easier?”

Ben fixed Lusica with his most unimpressed look. “Still no.”

“Well, I’d _gladly_ wear a bikini for the cause,” she announced loftily as she took her seat.

Ben turned a page in his book. “No one asked you to,” he muttered.

Rey stifled a giggle, earning a glare from the other girl.

Before the bell rang to end lunch, Rey approached Ben’s desk to give him the information she’d gathered for grants he could apply to as a teacher.

She kept her contact with him brief, and he didn’t encourage her to linger. He was always in teacher mode at school, and Rey was much too aware of the curious gazes on them whenever they interacted. Ben might have scared off all the casual gawkers, but Rey didn’t think Lusica and her friends would be in the club if it weren’t for the novelty of Rey and Ben.

It was certainly the only time anyone _could_ see them together. She was still grounded, and their paths didn’t intersect at school since she’d transferred into a different — and less rigorous — English class. Ben let Jessika set the agenda and pace of club meetings, choosing to read instead of pay attention, those adorable glasses perched on his big nose.

Rey didn’t look too closely at the fact that she found his glasses adorable now.

The lunches he made kept appearing in her locker, and she kept eating them and wondering how she could balance the scales. She'd need something inexpensive but meaningful, something with real weight.

Then, in a Wednesday club meeting with eighteen days left on her sentence, Rey saw Ben pick up a slip of torn paper to mark his place in his book — _Game of Thrones_ this week — and got an idea so obvious it made her feel stupid.

The man never used a proper bookmark. Always scraps of paper or post-it notes.

Rey made an excuse to leave the meeting early and hurried to the library so she could Google how to make a bookmark. She didn’t want to buy him a cheap one, couldn’t buy him an expensive one, and didn’t think her usual skill set would be of use unless Ben wanted to shove a dirty carburetor between his book pages.

At home that afternoon, Rey scavenged materials from the junkyard and snuck into Plutt’s tool shed to use his soldering iron.

The first strip of leather curled around the hot tip of the tool, and Rey had to scrap it. The second strip did the same. On the third, she messed up the writing, and she practiced on a few scrap pieces before finding the best technique.

Rey kept the first part of her design firmly in mind and quickly but carefully stroked the soldering gun to make a lopsided “B.” She lifted the tool, breathed deeply in and out, and made a too-thin “S.”

She breathed again and tried to still her shaking fingers long enough to place two dots, and then she was done.

With that part.

Now she needed to trim the strip of leather down to a nice neat bookmark size so it didn’t look like she’d ripped it out of an old Ford with a box cutter (she had).

She grabbed a metal ruler and tidied the edges as best she could with the box cutter, then took the resulting product out to her alcove and looked at it in the afternoon sunlight.

A strip of leather, one inch by four inches, and thin enough to lay between the pages of a cheap paperback. The edges were more parallelogram than rectangle, and the letters “B. S.” she’d burnt into the bottom looked like they’d been written by a first-grader.

The result was very plain. Rey wished she had _any_ artistic talent so that she could go back to the tool shed and add intricate embellishments on the dry, cracked, caramel-brown leather, but she didn’t trust herself not to ruin the entire thing.

She sighed and carefully slid it in an outside pocket of her backpack. It wasn’t the amazing, mind-blowing, soulmate-level gift she’d envisioned while researching how to make it, but maybe he’d find it useful.

She could live with useful.

* * *

Ben was mulling over an interaction he’d had with Rey’s Calculus teacher, Mr. Tippett, when he got home on Thursday.

“I’ve been trying talk her into joining the Mathletes for ages now, ever since she was in my pre-calc class, but she doesn’t have enough time. All that talent is just... going unused.” Tippett had gestured violently and blurted, “It’s a crime against nature!” Then he’d stomped off, bald spot shining under the fluorescent lights in the teachers’ lounge, and crossed the room back to Ben a minute later, red-cheeked and subdued. “I meant to ask if you’d talk to her about it. I think I skipped that part, sorry. She’d definitely take us to nationals. And I’m pretty sure she’d enjoy being part of the team. They’re good kids, and she has a way of winning people over. Which you know, of course.” Tippett had flushed, taken a deep breath, and offered Ben an awkward smile. “I thought it might have more impact coming from… well, someone she knows. I’ve spoken to her guardian several times, but—”

Ben had snorted, then, breaking whatever impassive mask he must have had because Tippett’s smile had reached his eyes.

“Yes. He hasn't been the most helpful.”

“Plutt is the complete opposite of helpful,” Ben had agreed, voice low over his cup of terrible lounge coffee. “Slimy and controlling.”

Tippett had raised his brows at that. “I don’t know much about her home life,” he admitted. “Our conversations are mostly about classwork and what I remember from Linear Algebra.”

Ben had thumbed the side of his mug thoughtfully before deciding to confide in Tippett. His jaw ticked as he admitted, “Her home life is… unpleasant. I’ve been talking to a lawyer, but he doesn’t think there's enough to have her removed.” Not without her cooperation, and after the way she'd reacted to his mentioning Child Protective Services... cooperation was unlikely.

Tippett had swallowed at that, eyes wide. “I didn’t realize.” They stood in awkward silence for a few moments before Tippett offered, “If there’s anything I can do. She’s a great kid.”

Ben had nodded, and Tippett had gone, and Ben had taken deep breaths to calm the rage which had been plaguing him for weeks now. He felt helpless, and that made it worse, made him want to hit things. He hadn’t been to therapy for a while, but he wondered if he ought to call and schedule a session. With everything that had been happening, it wouldn’t be a bad idea.

He was still thinking about it as he entered his small, unassuming kitchen. He saw brown creeping into the yellow bananas on his counter, starting to get overripe, and wondered if Rey liked bananas as he unpacked the thermos from her lunch bag. He was going to wash the thermos and set it in the rack beside his now-dry breakfast dishes and coffee mug, but something else fell out.

Two somethings, he realized as he picked up a folded piece of paper and caught a second item that had been nestled inside the first. He examined both, puzzled, and thumbed open the piece of paper.

> _It’s supposed to be a bookmark. Sorry it’s not nicer. -Rey_

He glanced back at the brownish strip in his other hand and felt his eyes widen and cheeks heat.

Had she… given him a _gift_?

He stared at the sloppy initials. It was clearly handmade, and he at first thought she’d used a black marker, but, when he looked closer, he saw the letters had been _burned_ in.

The warmth in his cheeks spread until his ears burned.

She’d _made_ it. With her own hands.

His soulmate.

Ben dragged a deep breath in, thumb tracing the strange texture. Leather, he thought. He’d found an old leather coat of his dad’s a few years back, and it had felt similar.

He took the gift and the note to his living room — small but comfortable, like most of his apartment, and cluttered with books — and sank into the chair beside his messenger bag.

He sat there for a long time, just looking. Sometimes he read the note again, but mostly he looked at the innocuous little strip of leather and allowed himself to _feel_.

Here, alone in his home, he could give himself that much leeway.

* * *

Rey approached Friday’s club meeting with her heart in her throat and her eyes on the ground. She didn’t know why she was so nervous to see Ben’s reaction to a stupid piece of leather she’d ripped out of a piece of junk and then burned. It wasn’t a big deal — it was literally made out of trash.

Okay, maybe that was why she was nervous. She’d given her soulmate, the man who made her lunch every day so she wouldn’t go hungry, _literal trash_ as a present.

What had she been _thinking_?

She hadn’t told anyone about it, so at least she had that as consolation.

Even though Finn kept giving her odd looks as they walked to Ben’s classroom, and Rose had to repeat a question because Rey hadn’t been paying attention, neither of them knew she’d done something as stupid as give Ben a piece of garbage with his initials burnt into it as if that somehow made it _less_ garbage.

When it came time to walk inside, she was afraid to look at him. There had been nothing out of the ordinary in her lunch when she checked that morning, unless she counted the banana. Although the banana was really nice — she didn’t get fruit much at Plutt’s, and this one was at that slightly-too-ripe stage which always tasted best to Rey.

The sign in sheet was on the corner of his desk. Rey waited behind Finn and Rose, eyes on her shoes until it was her turn. Her cheeks tingled with heat as she picked up the pen and bent to sign her name.

At the top edge of her vision, she let herself focus on Ben’s hands and the book in them, and on the tidy desktop just below.

There it was. The bookmark.

She couldn’t quite contain her gasp, and Ben glanced over.

Rey buried her nose in the sign in sheet, and he turned back to his book.

“Thank you,” he said, casually touching the bookmark on his desk.

Rey turned even redder. “Sorry it’s so ugly.”

He turned his face to her, then, keeping his book open with his thumb. “It’s something I didn’t know I needed. Very practical.” He nodded at her before turning back to his reading. “I like it.”

Rey felt her face explode into warmth, and she went to join Finn and Rose.

“What are you so happy about?” Finn asked as she sat down.

Rey pressed her lips together even as the ends curled up, ruining her efforts to prevent a grin. “Nothing.”

He smiled back at her and glanced toward Ben, clearly suspecting that their teacher had something to do with her change in mood. But he didn’t press, something Rey loved him for. “Okay.” They chatted as everyone else arrived and got settled, Dopheld sitting with them at Rey's insistence.

“Today we’re going to vote on our first fundraiser,” Jessika said as she and Poe signed in. “We’re picking between a bake sale and a car wash.”

“Car wash!” cheered Lusica.

Jessika gave Lusica a vague nod of acknowledgement. “With a bake sale, we can do most of the work beforehand, the table can be manned by one or two people at a time, we can set up indoors or under an awning if it rains, and we can eat the leftover stock.”

Poe whooped at that.

“With a car wash — no stock to keep track of, we have enough bodies to make the work quick, and—”

“Sex appeal!” Lusica called, cupping her hands around her mouth.

“Why not both?” asked Rose.

Jessika frowned. “I mean, yeah, probably in the long run, but—”

“No, I mean at the same time. People have to wait for us to wash their cars, right? Why not have baked goods on the table where they pay? They’ll already have their wallets out, and if it smells good enough...”

“I _like_ that,” said Finn.

Rey nodded her agreement.

“Get ‘em while they’re vulnerable,” said Lusica, leaning her elbows on her desk with a toothy smile. She gave Rose an approving nod. “I like the way you think.”

Jessika tapped a pencil against her lips. “You know, that would work. I’ve been scouting locations, and there’s this auto shop out by the elementary school, across from the field where they have the kids’ soccer games, and there are _two_ games coming up — not this weekend, but next. If we can set up there—”

“You can,” said Ben, and they all turned to him. “I know the owner. It’ll be fine.”

Jessika’s brow furrowed. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Rey couldn’t help herself. “Who’s the owner?”

Ben’s dark eyes flicked to her, unreadable. “Han.”

“Oh,” she said, nodding. “Mechanic, right.”

Ben bent to open a drawer and pull out his phone. “He’s not usually there anymore — he has people who run the day-to-day — but he’ll be fine with us setting up in the parking lot. Weekend after this, you said?”

Jessika nodded. “Yep.”

He sent a text, and Jessika started energetically to brainstorm logistics for a combination car wash and bake sale. She was working with Dopheld on a list of what supplies they’d need and what baked goods everyone could bring when Ben’s phone vibrated against the top of his desk.

He set his book aside and snatched it up, checking the screen with a scowl before answering. “Hello?” A moment’s pause, and Rey watched the little annoyed furrow between his brows get deeper. “Did my text not explain everything?” Another pause. “Then why did you call me?” He turned away, lowering his voice even though everyone could still hear him. “I already said I wasn't going to be there.”

Lusica leaned toward Rey, eyes narrowed on Ben. “Who is Han?”

“Um.” Rey didn’t know if Ben would want her to say, but it wasn’t like it was a secret. She opened her mouth, but before words could come out Ben had raised his voice.

“No, I _don’t_ want to talk to you. Thus the texting.” The voice on the other end replied, loud enough now for everyone to hear the irritated tone but not the words. Ben rolled his eyes to the ceiling, a muscle in his jaw jumping as he clenched it. “I am not doing this right now.”

Han said something else, sounding even more irritated.

“Because I am at work,” Ben hissed, “and I’m not—”

Rey couldn’t hear Han’s reply, but she saw Ben’s fingers curl and the tendons in his neck as he shoved his chair back and stalked out of the room, tossing his phone abruptly over his shoulder as he went. It wasn’t the _most_ violent display she’d witnessed from him, but it still left everyone speechless and awkward.

Han’s voice continued from the phone on the ground behind Ben's desk. No one moved, but Rey didn’t want to leave Han in the lurch so she hesitantly stood and went over to it.

“Hello?” she said, putting it to her ear.

“Who’s this?” asked Han gruffly.

“This is Rey.”

As if she’d said the magic words, all the frustration fell away from Han’s voice. “Rey! How are you?”

“I’m good! I’m in a club meeting right now. Is it okay if we use your auto shop’s parking lot in two weeks?”

“Sure, sure. That’s fine. Will you be out by then?”

“I’m grounded until the Monday after, but I’m hoping I can bribe Plutt into an early release with good behavior and cookies.”

Han laughed. “Cookies, huh?”

“I have to make them for the bake sale, anyway. Might as well make extra.”

“You’re a clever kid, anybody ever tell you that?”

Rey blushed. “Not really.” People called her smart, but nobody had ever called her clever; at least, not the way Han meant it.

“Well, you are. And you should take that as a compliment.”

“Thank you. I will. I should get back to the meeting, though. We still have a lot to get through.”

“Yeah, yeah. That kid of mine still around?”

Rey glanced toward the door, where Ben stood with his arms crossed and an inscrutable expression as he watched her talk to his dad. “Yep.”

“All right, put him back on. And you take care of yourself, okay?”

Rey grinned despite herself. “Will do.” Then she held the phone out toward Ben. He stepped into the room and took it, careful not to touch her, and Rey retreated to her desk.

Ben’s first words were, “Please learn how to text like a normal person.” A pause, then he blew out a breath. “Yes, fine. Can I hang up now?” Another moment. “Great, bye.” He jabbed the screen, glowered at the device, and dropped the phone back in his desk drawer.

Lusica raised her hand. “Who’s Han?”

Ben glared at her, then huffed a frustrated sigh. “My father,” he grumbled.

Lusica whirled on Rey. “You’ve met the parents?! Oh my God, that’s so cute!”

Ben’s sharp voice cut through Lusica’s delight. “Contain yourself, Miss Stynnix.”

“I wasn’t talking to you,” she said lightly, making Ben bristle as she turned her back to him to face Rey. “So? What are they like?”

Rey glanced at Ben, who glared at the back of Lusica's head like he wanted to throw something at it. She pressed her lips together and primly replied, “They’re very nice, and that’s all I’m saying. Jess?”

Jessika straightened. “Yes?”

“We have the spot. What do we do next?”

“Great! We need to make sure we have enough baked goods to sell. We have Finn down for brownies. Do I have that right?”

The meeting continued more or less back on track, and Jessika tugged Rey aside once it finished and everyone pulled their lunches out. “Hey. Are you going to be able to make it to the car wash? We need all hands on deck.”

“I’m going to do my best,” Rey assured her. “I think I can make it.”

Jessika ran a hand over her braid with a frown. “Would it help if I talked to to your foster dad? Explained the situation?”

Rey thought about it. What would Plutt do if Jessika asked him to let Rey help at the car wash? Or, rather, how would Plutt try to angle the situation in his favor? She certainly didn’t need him to know that, as treasurer, she would be handling the money. She’d probably send anything they made at the fundraiser home with Ben because even Plutt, who mostly kept his hands off her stuff, would be tempted by a stack of cash. “I don’t know,” she replied softly. “I don’t think it would be a good idea.”

“It wouldn’t be any trouble,” Jessika insisted. “If it would help.”

Rey shook her head. “No. But thanks.” She’d probably even need someone to pick the cookies she made up so that Plutt didn’t take all of them. Finn might be able to, or Poe. Even Ben, though she didn’t want to aggravate Plutt with Ben if she could help it. After their last encounter, just Ben’s face would probably set Plutt off.

She’d also have to avoid the junkyard employees. She could imagine them filling up their mouths and pockets with her hard work. She’d have to bake in the evening, after the junkyard shut for the night.

“I’ll definitely make something for the bake sale, even if I can’t get away.” Rey didn’t mention the fact that she’d have to scrap her batter if she couldn’t keep her foster father from wandering in and sticking his fingers in it. He was a double-dipper.

Rey pushed the stress down. She’d find some way to do her part. And if Plutt ruined her cookies, maybe he’d be in a good enough mood to let her help wash cars. Either way… yeah. The odds weren’t great, but they were better than average. _Definitely_ worth trying.

Jessika lifted onto her toes and rocked back down, clearly unhappy. “You’re sure you can’t just… sneak out?”

Rey snorted. “Sure, if I want to be grounded for the next millennia.” Plutt would never forgive that kind of rebellion. Rey folded her arms, unconsciously mimicking Jessika’s tense posture before noticing and forcing her body to relax. “Hey, don’t worry about it. My foster dad is strict, but he responds well to bribes. Especially food.”

Jessika nodded. “I guess if that’s the best we can hope for…”

“It is.”

“Okay.” They turned toward their desks. “What did you get grounded for, by the way? I mean… it’s been forever.”

Rey shrugged. “It’s complicated.” And it was, because Plutt’s behavior was hard to explain.

But Rey knew Plutt, and she knew how to handle him. She felt her heart lift with hope that she’d make it to the fundraiser.

As she turned, she saw Ben take her bookmark out of his paperback and begin to read, thumb tracing absently over his bottom lip as his attention sharpened on the words in front of him.

Yeah. She could do it.

Because she wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey's teachers all love her.
> 
> I'm going on the assumption that Ben needs proof to have Rey removed from Plutt's, and that he'd need Rey to corroborate any accusations of neglect. His lawyer wants a strong case before taking it before a judge, especially since Rey might suffer the brunt of a failed attempt to extract her.


	12. Sanctuary

Rey’s good mood followed her into her chores on Saturday. She'd finally figured out a plan for baking that would account for Plutt. She would mix two batches of cookie dough and let Plutt dip out of the smaller one — he didn't care about the health risks of raw eggs — and also set aside a small pan of cookies specifically for him.

It was a very good plan. Especially since she'd be buying the ingredients herself, so he couldn't claim that all the cookies “were his anyway.” It would even put him in a great mood for when she asked to go to the fundraiser.

As she scrubbed the bathroom — a chore she didn't _have_ to do, but if Rey didn’t clean it, no one would — she daydreamed cheerfully about the car wash and seeing Han again and maybe Leia stopping by and buying one of the cookies Rey planned to make. She blushed at the thought of it, that Leia might praise her baking skills, and grinned into the freshly-scrubbed toilet bowl, giving it a flush to whisk away the suds and grime.

That daydream melted into a more common one where she finally had her own apartment with just herself to clean up after. She was debating which plants to grow on her future windowsill when one of Plutt’s guys entered the bathroom with a beer in his hand and a wobble in his step.

Rey, on her hands and knees so she could reach behind the toilet with her scrub brush, stiffened and went to scramble to her feet, but the big man’s foot came up and shoved her back down.

“Don’t get up on my account,” he laughed. He sat on the edge of the tub and took a swig of his beer as Rey’s heart tried to thump its way out of her chest. He gestured with the bottle. “Go on, then.”

Rey shook her head, confused and afraid. This was the man she’d beaten up, and he’d held a grudge against her ever since. She suspected he would have retaliated by now if he’d been allowed, that the fact he hadn’t meant she was safe.

_Stupid._

She didn’t have her staff now, just a scrub brush and a bucketful of sudsy water and the weakest possible position in a room full of hard surfaces.

Rey’s muscles trembled with tension and terror, propelling her into the fight-flight-freeze headspace.

“You can’t touch me,” she panted. “Plutt’ll—”

“Yeah, Plutt said I couldn’t touch,” the big man agreed. “Didn’t say I couldn’t look.” He reached out with his foot and nudged her into the side of the sink, infinitely amused when she only cowered there.

It made Rey angry. Not just that he was there trying to intimidate her but that it was _working_. She was furious at herself for not pummeling him in his stupid ugly face until he had to eat through a tube.

Rey tried to get control of her body, tried to even out her breathing. Her bedroom was one door away, but the door was flimsy and she’d be cornered in there unless she could pop the screen off her window. Better to retreat into the junkyard. Or onto the road. She didn’t have her phone, though, couldn’t call anyone to pick her up.

 _Screw it._ First things first. Get away.

Rey waited for the big man to take another long swig of his beer before she moved, shoving him into the tub and dashing out of the room. His already wobbly balance sent him tumbling back with a bellow of rage, and the sound spurred Rey’s legs onward out of the building. She ran to her alcove by habit more than plan and found herself gripping her pipe staff.

She could make a stand here. Wait with fear-locked knees for danger to find her and then make it pay.

Or she could climb the chain link fence and get away.

She’d practiced it plenty, just in case. She’d always hated the idea of being cornered, and this way she had an escape route if someone blocked the entrance.

The helplessness she’d felt in the bathroom had followed her. It made her arms weak, made her wonder if she could actually fight anyone off just then.

Rey stowed her staff in one of the crushed cars, not eager for anyone else to get their hands on it, and hooked her fingers in the fence, climbing nimbly up one side and down the other. She didn’t see signs of pursuit, but she could hear yelling out toward the main building.

Rey hurried away, anxious to put distance between herself and the junkyard.

When she got to a nearby gas station, she realized her feet were bleeding. She’d lost her flip-flops in her hurry to get away, and the junkyard wasn’t any place for bare feet. She must have stepped on some broken glass, because she was bleeding pretty badly and the cuts looked deep when she sat down by a gas pump to examine them.

“Are you okay, miss?”

Rey jumped, flinching away from the man’s hand on her shoulder. He jerked it back and held his dark-skinned palms out to show he meant no harm. Rey felt like an asshole for overreacting. “I’m fine,” she said.

He continued to stand there and watch her, too old to be much of a threat. “Looks like that might hurt.”

She shrugged. It hadn’t until she’d noticed it. Adrenaline, she supposed. She’d left bloody footprints pointing the way she’d gone like a road sign and worried that someone might follow them.

“Is there anyone I can call? Your folks?”

Rey snorted and shook her head.

“A friend?”

She shrugged again. She didn’t know anyone’s number by heart.

The old man crouched. “You’re going to need to get those cleaned if you don’t want an infection. I’ve got some supplies inside. I can bring them out? Yeah?”

Rey nodded, the fading adrenaline leaving her shaky.

When the old man returned, he had a first aid kit in his hands and had taken long enough that she knew he’d called the cops.

Rey didn’t care. She just wanted to be away from the junkyard. If she could kill time at the police station before going home, that would be best.

The thought of heading back there at all made her shiver.

* * *

“Can you tell us what happened, honey?”

The nurse had given her a soda and settled her into an empty hospital room with a pair of officers after she’d finished getting stitches. The male officer stood off in the corner, clearly trying to keep his distance to make Rey more comfortable. The female officer sat beside her, gently but persistently prying for information.

They wanted her name, but Rey knew they’d just call Plutt if she gave it. She didn’t want Plutt. She wanted…

Her breathing picked up.

“Ben Solo,” she whispered, her voice rough.

The female officer latched onto this scrap of information like a bloodhound. “Is he the one who did this?”

Rey balked. “What? No. God, no. He’s my soulmate.” She stumbled a little on the word. She hadn’t ever said it out loud, and it felt awkward on her tongue. She looked at the soda can between her hands. “You asked if there was someone I wanted to call. I don’t have anyone’s number, but... you can find him, right?”

The officers shared a glance, and the man left.

“Yeah. Yeah, honey, we can do that.”

* * *

Rey didn’t cry until she saw Ben walk into the room, his hair messy and eyes wild. _Then_ , of course, she burst into tears.

Ben immediately scooped her up and sat with her curled in his arms, and everything felt a hundred times better and safer and warmer.

 _God_ , she’d been cold. She’d been cleaning in a tank top and shorts because Plutt was too cheap for air conditioning, and she hadn’t realized how cold the hospital was until Ben’s warm arms wrapped around her.

She shivered against him, burying her wet face in his chest as if she could crawl inside him if she tried hard enough.

“What happened?” he asked, his hand gently rubbing up and down her back.

Rey shook her head, but it wasn’t a refusal. She wanted to tell him. She sat a little straighter and sniffled, accepting a tissue from the box the female officer held out to her. “I was stupid.”

The story came out, slowly, but she told him everything. Even about the first time, when the thug had been falling-down drunk and she’d been armed.

“I don’t think he was going to _do_ anything,” she finished, glancing up at Ben’s face and wincing at how white it had gone. “He wanted to make me uncomfortable, and he… he scared me.”

It wasn’t a big deal. She willed them to believe it.

“You’re not going back there,” Ben said, arms tightening around her. “Not ever.”

Rey felt panic swell in her chest. She reared back to look him in the face. “I can’t change foster homes. I’d have to leave the school district.”

“Easy,” he said, palm soothing against her back. “Easy. We’ll figure something out. You can stay with my mother for now.”

“But what if they decide to rehome me? I can’t afford to interrupt my studies right now, I need my grades high if I’m going to get enough scholarships for university.”

He frowned incredulously. “You’ve just been attacked, and what you’re most worried about is _college_?”

“I wasn’t attacked,” she snapped. “And, yes, I care very much about my future and going to a good university, but I can’t _do_ that if I’m transferred, I’ll lose all the work I’ve done—”

“You do know that your grades transfer _with_ you.”

She punched him in the chest, though she had zero leverage to make it count. “You’re not listening. If I transfer, I’ll have to play catch-up at my new school, and I’ve done it before, but it’s a huge headache, and I’m taking AP classes right now, and I actually _care_ about the subjects I’m taking, and I want to _finish_ them, and none of the surrounding schools teach German, I’ve checked, and I need to be able to form a sentence correctly if I want to skip the 101 class at uni.”

He shook his head. “Okay. Fine. We’ll make sure you stay in the district, and I’ll hire you a German tutor if you can’t. So long as you do _not_ go back to that place.”

Rey scowled. “I don’t need you to _hire_ anyone for me. I’m not a child, I can make my own way.”

He clenched his jaw and looked at the ceiling. “We can _discuss it_.”

“Which means you’ll talk and I’ll listen? I don’t think so.” She was angry, but she didn’t try to get off his lap. She told herself it was because her bandaged feet hurt too much, because she was cold and he was warm. She ignored the traitorous voice whispering about _belonging_ and _safety_ and _soulmate_.

As she tried to distract herself with a glance around the room, Rey noticed the female officer was watching their argument with an odd expression. When she caught Rey’s eye, she immediately averted her gaze.

Rey frowned. “What do you think? Aren’t I right?”

The officer glanced at Ben, then back to Rey and shrugged. “I think your grades will suffer if you don’t feel safe in your own home. That’s one of the warning signs, actually, that a kid is in trouble. Grades go down.”

Rey frowned and considered that, and Ben wisely kept his mouth shut. He let out a breath she _felt_ , still being in his lap and all, when she said, “That makes sense.”

The officer gave her a firm nod. “Find yourself somewhere safe to sleep and the rest will sort itself out.”

* * *

“I felt it, you know.”

Rey’s head snapped toward Ben where he sat in the driver’s seat, his hand on the car’s gear shift and eyes on the road. “What?”

“When you were afraid. I felt it, too.” His mouth worked, and his eyes looked more black than brown. He was breathing through his nose, too fast.

She couldn’t imagine what it would be like to get punched by someone else’s terror, to not know what was happening or why.

“I’m sorry,” she said, hating that he’d gone through that.

The car jolted as he swerved to the shoulder and threw it in park. His eyes bored into her with a level of ferocity she might have found frightening if she didn’t instinctively trust him. “It was _not_ your fault. _None_ of this is your fault. You didn’t ask to be attacked or harassed or stuck with a bunch of assholes.” He pressed his lips together — she should not be noticing how full they were — and swallowed. “Including me.”

Something important was happening, but Rey didn’t know what it was. “What do you mean?”

“You don’t deserve to be shackled to some misanthropic bastard almost twice your age. You deserve better than that. You’re obviously capable and hard-working, and everyone who knows you can’t sing your praises high enough. I’d think they were just blowing smoke up my ass, but I see what they like about you. You’re… special. You deserve someone special.”

Rey absorbed this in silence, looking at the long grass along the sidewalk beside them and the way it swayed in the breeze. Finally, she said, “I’m not special.” He snorted at that, but she turned toward him and he fell silent. “I’m _damaged_. My parents threw me away like garbage when I was a kid, and I hate it, I hate them, but part of me — and it’s a bigger part than I’d ever admit to anyone else — is still waiting for them to come back.” She felt the old hurts like they were new, felt the familiar tears well in her eyes. “I’m still waiting for them to show up and hug me and tell me it’s all okay, that they’re sorry and they’re going to take me home.”

His hand moved from the gearshift, then, to cup her cheek and wipe a tear away with his thumb. He looked like his heart might be breaking. “You’re amazing.” Rey flinched at that, wanting to argue, but he shushed her by moving his thumb to her lips and lightly rubbing it against them. “You’re stronger than you know. Stronger than I… realized. Thought possible.”

“Ben,” she whispered against his thumb, and he jerked his hand away and flushed.

They stared at each other, there in his sun-warmed car, his eyes wide and throat bobbing as he swallowed.

“Sorry,” he said, tearing his eyes away. He placed his hand back on the gear shift. “Let’s get you to my mom’s.”

* * *

The chores at Plutt’s had started voluntarily.

Rey had cleaned for Maz and hadn't found it too difficult to use those skills at Plutt's when she wasn't willing to shower in a tub caked with grime. It had been a pain to clean it the first time so she could use it, but afterward it had been occasional and not too strenuous. She liked to shower in a clean space, and if she had to clean it herself, so be it.

Cooking dinner, she admitted, was self-preservation, a fact she'd never even told Finn. She'd started after she realized that Plutt didn’t wash his hands before handling food. She suspected, though she felt guilty saying it because she didn’t have any _real_ proof, that Plutt didn’t wash his hands after using the toilet, either. Before Rey took over meals, they'd gotten into a huge fight over handwashing. Plutt had refused to change, said he’d never had a problem with it before and called her a “princess.”

Rey talked and talked and talked, wrapped in a blanket on Leia’s couch as she poured out every little incident, every rancid detail she’d ever hidden or downplayed, the floodgates open and her defenses gone.

Leia reiterated Ben’s assertion that Rey would _never_ go back to Plutt’s, and Rey felt so relieved that she cried again, even though she hated crying.

“He didn’t starve me or hit me — or hit _on_ me,” she assured them between sniffles, feeling like maybe she was overreacting to everything. “I wouldn’t have put up with that. And he knew not to interfere with my schoolwork. I put my foot down about that early on, and he knew not to cross that boundary.”

Leia gave her a watery smile and brushed Rey’s hair back from her face. “Poor little Cinderella.”

Rey hated being compared to Cinderella. Cinderella was weak and pitiful and abused. Rey, on the other hand, had learned to live _around_ Plutt, acting more like a roommate than a foster kid. She’d become self-sufficient and had been taking care of herself for years, biding her time until she aged out of the system.

“You’re a minor,” Ben said when she related some of this to him while his mother was in the kitchen, ordering pizza. “It isn’t your _responsibility_ to meet your own needs. Your guardian is supposed to meet them _for_ you.”

“I had a roof and clothes and food,” she argued. “That’s more than a lot of people get.”

“But you weren’t _safe!_ ” He stood abruptly and began to pace, a wild animal in a too-small cage.

“She doesn’t need you to yell at her,” Leia said gently when she returned from the kitchen. She sat down beside Rey and took her hand. “I’d like to ask a friend over to hear all of this, if that’s alright. He’s a lawyer, and he can help us plan what to do next.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Rey said, fidgeting with her blanket. She tossed a look at Ben, whose expression was pained, but he nodded. Leia left to place her call, and Ben flopped on the far end of the couch.

He saw Rey looking and sighed. “It’s fine. Lando is one of Han’s old friends. He’s… eccentric. But he’s a good lawyer. You’ve probably seen his billboards around town.”

Rey vaguely knew what he was talking about. She recalled ads featuring a dark-skinned man with a brilliant smile, but she’d never bothered to read them.

Lando arrived after the pizza did, so Rey had a slice in her hands when he swept through the door like a prince entering his realm and bowed low over Leia’s hand.

“Tell me you’ve seen the error of your ways and left that old fart,” he crooned at Leia, who smirked back at him. “We’ll run away on a Caribbean cruise, you exquisite creature.”

Ben made a gagging noise, and Lando tossed him an irritated glance before leaving a lingering kiss on Leia’s knuckles and rising. His hair was greying, and she remembered enough about his billboards now that she saw him that she suspected he used a much younger photo of himself.

"Where is the old man?" He held his hand out to Ben, and Ben stood to shake it.

"Business trip."

"I called him. He's coming right back," said Leia.

"Is this the young lady?" Something about the way he asked made Rey think they'd talked about her before.

Ben nodded. "This is Rey."

That brilliant smile turned her way, and Lando stepped forward to take the hand that wasn’t holding pizza, though he didn’t kiss it like he had Leia’s. “Hello, my dear. I heard you’ve been having some trouble.” He rose. “Would you be willing to tell me about it?”

Rey nodded, so he pulled a comfortable chair over and got out his phone and a notepad. “Will it make you uncomfortable if I record this conversation? Purely for my own use, in case I forget to jot something down.”

Rey said it was fine, and he gave her his easy, brilliant smile. “Wonderful, thank you.” He set his phone to record and spoke the time and date and whose voices would be on the recording. “Okay, Rey. Please tell me about your experiences in your foster home, starting with when you first moved in.”

Since Rey had been through it all once, she was better able to organize her memories as she spoke.

She didn’t try to demonize Plutt. He was an asshole but not a monster. He hadn’t been the one to frighten her, and he hadn’t ever abused her or anything.

But she still didn’t want to go back there. The thought of it made her shake with stress. She knew Plutt would be furious that she’d caused so much trouble, especially bringing the police and Child Protective Services down on him.

It helped when Ben’s long, warm fingers wrapped around her pizza-smeared ones. She didn’t even know when she’d set the slice down.

The touch of his hand on hers felt more intimate than when he’d held her at the hospital. It stole her breath, and she struggled for a moment to remember what she’d been saying.

She talked for the better part of an hour before she got to what happened that morning. She started to shake again, and Ben squeezed her hand, holding it tight in his. It reminded her that she wasn’t alone. Ben and Leia wouldn’t let anyone touch her.

Lando nodded, his dark eyes not judging, and that made it easier to talk.

When she finished, Lando sat back and Leia sat forward.

“What do you think?” asked Leia.

“You said you helped Plutt with paperwork. Did that include bookkeeping?”

Rey hesitated, then nodded.

Lando’s lips pressed together under his mustache. “Did you ever see… irregularities in the way he did business?”

Rey froze.

No. No, Plutt would never forgive her if she ratted him out. Never. He’d hold it against her forever, he’d track her down, he’d...

Ben’s fingers squeezed again, breaking Rey out of the beginnings of panic.

She sucked in a breath. “I… I can’t…”

“You are safe here,” Lando told her. “Perfectly safe. But if he’s caused you to be complicit, in _any_ way, in criminal activity, I can make sure you never have to see Unkar Plutt’s face again for as long as you live.”

Her voice came out in a harsh whisper. “He’d never let it go…”

Ben squeezed her hand again. “You don’t have to be afraid.”

"No, you don't understand." She searched for words to make them understand. “I've heard them bragging about hurting people. When they're drunk. The walls are thin, and they get loud.”

“Shit,” said Ben, closing his eyes and holding her hand in a vice grip. He leaned his forehead into his free hand, but he didn’t release his grip on her. Leia had tears in her eyes, and Lando… Lando had focused on her. And he waited. Patiently.

Staring into those dark, canny eyes, Rey nodded jerkily. "Yeah. He has an income stream that isn't from the junkyard. He never said what it was from, but I know it wasn't legal from the... the loud-talking."

Lando looked like a cat who’d just found an entire bathtub’s worth of cream. “My dear Rey,” he said, leaning back and crossing his long legs, “you’re as good as free.”

“It’s enough?” asked Leia.

“It’s more than enough,” said Lando, leaning over to stop his phone’s recording app. “We’re going to get Plutt’s status as a foster parent revoked, and I can have a restraining order by lunch tomorrow to keep him away from Rey. Obviously, I’ll file restraining orders against his employees, too.”

“The man who attacked her is already in custody,” said Leia. "The police are keeping him overnight."

Rey’s head came up at that. She hadn’t known. It made her feel a little better. She curled her fingers around Ben’s, and he squeezed his acknowledgement. She wanted to scoot across the space between them and curl into his side, but she didn't think their relationship was to that point, despite the intimacies of the day.

All of Ben's actions thus far had been something an adult would do for a child. Rey wondered if that was how he saw her -- as a child. Someone to care about and take care of, but in a platonic way. It happened sometimes, rarely, that soulmates would have a platonic relationship instead of a romantic one. In some cases, both soulmates were sexually attracted to a different gender — like a gay man and woman or two straight men. In a few cases, she’d heard about soulmates happening in the same _family_ , with siblings or identical twins, where they married other people but remained close.

Of course, twins had to grow in two separate placentas to have the blue sparks outside the womb, so most people thought that more identical twins were soulmates than could be proven.

But what it all meant to _Rey_ was that it was possible for soulmates to get their romantic needs met outside the soulmate bond.

She looked at Ben’s profile, at the intent way he followed Lando’s conversation with Leia, and knew that she didn’t want anyone else. She wanted Ben.

He caught her looking and squeezed her hand again, worry creasing his brow. “Are you okay?”

“Tired,” she said. It was true. She’d spent all day talking and crying. She was exhausted.

“Do you need help?”

“Yeah.” The doctor had wrapped her feet and prescribed her temporary splints and a wheelchair, ordering her to stay off her feet completely for two weeks so she didn’t pop her stitches or break the wounds open. She had trouble getting into the chair without help.

Ben released her hand and fetched the wheelchair, parking it and locking the wheels right next to her. He moved her plate of now-cold pizza off her lap, unwrapped the blanket from her, slipped one arm behind her back and the other under her knees, and lifted her into the wheelchair.

He bent over her to make sure she was settled, and his shoulders blocked the rest of the room from view. Rey stopped breathing for a moment.

“Here,” Leia said as Ben unlocked the wheels. “Let me get you something to help you sleep.” She disappeared and returned with a pill bottle and a glass of water. She rattled two pills into Rey’s hand. Rey hesitated, and Leia told her, very gently, “Don’t worry. I have a gun permit and excellent aim, and Ben will be staying here tonight. Nobody will get past us to bother you.”

“I’m staying here?” Ben asked as Rey popped the pills into her mouth and accepted the glass of water to swallow them.

“Yes, because the last thing we need is for you to complicate Rey’s case by heading over to Plutt’s tonight.”

He sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Yeah. Okay. You have a point.”

Leia patted his cheek. “You’re a Solo. It’s in your blood to escalate things.”

Lando chuckled, gathering his things. “Isn’t that the truest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Rey wheeled herself down the hall and to the guest room, thankful that she had her own attached bath. The sleeping pills started to kick in as she struggled into the clothes Leia had lent her to wear to bed.

Rey flopped onto the bed, burrowed under the blankets, and fell asleep listening to the muffled sounds of voices mingling with hazy bemused thoughts of how she’d never really liked _big_ guys before.


	13. Consolation

“Mr. Solo?”

Ben looked up from the lesson plan for his first class, trying to make himself focus after the emotionally exhausting weekend. Lando had come through with the restraining orders in record time and had arranged for Rey’s case worker and a detective to listen to her story on Sunday so that she’d only had to tell it once more -- or twice, if it came to a trial, but Ben thought Plutt would try to cut a deal. Rey had told him Plutt liked to negotiate, and the irony of it pleased the sadist in him.

His mother had insisted Ben stay with Rey Sunday afternoon when she went to fetch Rey’s personal belongings from Plutt's with a police escort. Ben had allowed Rey to coax him into a game of Scrabble, at which he'd trounced her. Not her fault, though. He'd had an extra decade to build his vocabulary, not to mention _many_ embarrassing Scrabble defeats at the hands of his mother. Han wouldn't even play against them anymore.

“Yes, Miss Connix?”

The girl bit her lip. She was young and blonde and wore her hair in buns that reminded him vaguely of old photos of his mother. She was in the robotics club with Rey, a friend of that irritating girl, Lusica Stynnix. “I know you don’t like personal questions…”

His face hardened. He'd made it _very_ clear, assigning extra homework and pop quizzes whenever he needed to punctuate his displeasure, that he wouldn't tolerate anyone prying into his private life. _Especially_ after the soulmate bond, when he'd been the focus of so much curiosity.

But to his surprise, she blurted, “...but I thought you might know if Rey is okay. There’s a lot of rumors going around right now, that her guardian attacked her and put her in the hospital, and… well, I’ve been thinking about her and… is she going to be okay? They didn’t make her go back to that guy, did they?”

The sincere worry in the girl’s eyes made him soften. “She’ll be fine. She’s staying with my mother, and the damage was mostly to her feet. She stepped on some glass.” He tapped his fingertips thoughtfully on his desk. “You know, she’d probably like a visit. I can give you the address if you’d like.”

Kaydel brightened. “That’d be great! Does she need anything? I could pick up some Yoo-hoo on my way.”

Ben bent to tug a post-it out of his drawer, glad that the move hid his amusement from view. “I’m not sure how she feels about Yoo-hoo, but I’m sure she’d appreciate the gesture.”

Kaydel smiled. “ _Everyone_ likes Yoo-hoo.”

“I will take your word for it.” He finished jotting down the address and folded the paper. “Here you go. Rey’s other friends dropped by yesterday, and I believe they intend to invade again today, so you won’t have to call first.”

“Great, thanks!”

Ben watched her go and hoped his dissatisfaction with Finn’s doting hadn’t made it into his voice. It wasn’t the boy’s fault Ben had started feeling more frustrated and possessive after his encounter with Rey in the car.

When her lips had moved against his thumb like a kiss and she’d looked at him with soft hazel eyes, limpid and melting as she’d said his name.

He’d wanted to throw all his scruples out the car window.

But there were a million reasons why he hadn’t. She’d just been traumatized; fresh tear tracks lingered on her skin; she was injured; she was sixteen- _fucking_ -years-old.

No, there had been nothing for Ben to do except take her to his mother, to safety, and away from all the assholes who wanted to get their hands on her.

Which, he’d miserably admitted as he’d tossed and turned on his cramped childhood bed Saturday night, now included himself.

Half his age was thirteen, which Rey was only three years older than. She’d been a _toddler_ when he was hitting _puberty_.

 _A year and two months_ , he reminded himself, scrubbing his hand over his face as his first period students started trickling in. He’d checked Rey’s birthday, and he knew the exact day he wouldn’t have to make these excuses anymore.

A year and two months until she turned eighteen.

He could do it. He’d be fine.

* * *

Finn loved Rey’s wheelchair. He rode around in it as soon as he arrived with Rose and Poe in tow Monday afternoon, popping wheelies until he almost knocked over a lamp and Leia raised a brow at him.

“When are you coming back to school?” he asked, rolling himself backward and forward. He couldn’t go far, not because the room was small — Ben’s parents were apparently _very_ well off — but because there was a lot of furniture in the way. End tables and lamps and leather couches and cozy chairs and even a coffee table. Maz had had a coffee table, but it hadn't been nearly as nice as Leia's.

“I get to go back tomorrow.”

“Great!”

Finn was leaving wheel tracks in Leia’s huge fancy rug, but Leia didn’t seem to care. She had a drink from the bar in her hand and had smoothly shut down Poe’s charming wheedling for a drink of his own with, “Soda’s in the fridge. Help yourself.”

Han had gotten back from his trip late the previous night. Rey had bumped into him in the kitchen in the morning, making eggs, and he’d given her the ones in the pan and made fresh ones for himself.

“No one in this family can cook,” he’d explained as he’d set the rubbery fruits of his labor in front of her. “Except Chewie. We have a better grill than he does, so we’ll buy the meat and invite him over for a cookout and make him do all the work. He’d rather have his cooking than ours, anyway, so we do that as often as he'll let us, maybe once or twice a month.”

They’d spent the morning watching TV together, and he’d gone out to pick up burgers for lunch, then retreated into the garage when Rey’s friends arrived, saying he thought The Falcon was making a whining sound and wanted to check the transmission.

Half an hour later, a knock came at the front door and Leia escorted Lusica’s blonde friend, Kaydel, in. The girl carried a six-pack of Yoo-hoo and glanced nervously around the room.

“Hi!” said Rose from her position curled up on the couch by Rey. Rose had brought Rey’s homework, and they were going over their chemistry worksheets together.

Rey smiled and waved Kaydel in.

“Join the party,” called Finn, who’d found he could zoom along behind the couch for a few feet.

“I heard you weren’t feeling well,” Kaydel said, lifting the drinks.

“Sweet!” said Poe, leaping forward to gallantly relieve her of her burden. “Are these for everyone or just the invalid?”

“That’s up to Rey,” Kaydel said. “They’re a gift.”

“Communal it is,” Rey announced, accepting one from Poe, who handed the others around, finishing with one for Kaydel. The single remaining bottle, he set by Rey before twisting the top off of his own and taking a long pull.

“Come sit,” said Rey, jerking her head toward an available chair as she twisted the cap of her drink off.

Kaydel sat, looking curiously around the room before focusing on Rey with a concerned frown. “So… how are you?”

Rey smiled. “I’m good. My feet are torn up pretty bad, and I’ll have to use that wheelchair for a few weeks—”

Finn wheeled by and went, “Whee!” to punctuate her statement.

“—so they can heal, but otherwise, yeah. I’m good.”

Kaydel leaned earnestly forward. “Mr. Solo said you stepped on some broken glass. That _really_ sucks.”

Rey raised her brows. “Did he.” But Kaydel didn’t seem to be prying for information, and she didn’t seem to have the full story. Rey decided to withhold judgement.

“If there’s anything you need,” Kaydel offered. “Anything at all. I know we don’t know each other very well, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about you when I heard.”

Rey’s brows went even higher. “What did you hear?” she said lightly, curious about whether Ben had said more than he should have.

“Well,” said Kaydel, flushing, “everyone’s saying your guardian put you in the hospital. Some say you’re staying with Mr. Solo, but that’s obviously not true.” Kaydel glanced toward the kitchen, where Leia had disappeared, and lowered her voice. “That’s his mom?”

Rey nodded and sipped her Yoo-hoo, trying to figure Kaydel out. Was she here because she was a nice person, or did she want gossip fodder?

 _Both_ was a possibility.

Instead of prying, Kaydel nodded and said, “I guess I can see it.”

Rey could still feel curiosity in Kaydel’s glances, but she had to hand it to the other girl — she held her tongue remarkably well.

* * *

Ben finished up at school by three-thirty. His feet took him toward Rey’s locker before he remembered that she hadn’t been at school that day.

It occurred to him, as he changed course for the teachers’ parking lot, that he wouldn’t have to make her lunches anymore.

He felt a pang of disappointment. It had been nice, being able to do something for her. He would miss it.

He drove to his mother’s house, arriving a little before four. A small, mildly noisy crowd surrounded Rey, and they all looked his way when he walked in and dropped his messenger bag on the farthest chair from the group. He gave a brief nod of acknowledgment, noting that Kaydel Ko Connix _had_ actually shown up, before entering the kitchen to find his mother.

“Hi,” he greeted, giving her a quick hug from behind. He had to bend down to fit her under his chin.

She turned and smiled up at him, making him bend further so she could kiss his cheek. “Hello, sweetheart. Your father’s in the garage. Why don’t you let him know you’re here.”

Ben grumbled but went to the door that led from the kitchen to the garage and opened it. “Hey,” he said to Han.

His dad straightened from under the Falcon’s hood and grabbed an oil-stained rag to wipe his hands. “Hey, kid! Wanna give me a hand with this?”

Ben glanced down at his white button-up. “Can’t. Work clothes.” He loosened his tie and undid the top two buttons so he could breathe. “What are you working on?”

“Thought I heard a noise. Sure you don’t want to help? You could change — you left some of your old things here when you moved out.”

Old band t-shirts he’d outgrown when he was still a teenager. “They don’t fit. Anyway, I have a few things I need to grade before dinner.” He glanced back toward the living room, and Han had a knowing glint in his eye when Ben turned back.

“Yeah, okay. You keep an eye on the kids, then.”

Ben frowned, sure that Han was trying to insinuate something, but felt a pull in his chest which led to the other room. He followed it, arriving in time to hear Kaydel ask when Rey would be back at school.

“Tomorrow,” said Rey. “If Finn ever lets me have my wheelchair back.”

Ben narrowed his eyes at Finn. “That’s not a toy.”

The boy started to climb out of the wheelchair, but Rey waved him back into it.

“It’s fine,” she said. “I told him he could.”

Ben pressed his lips together and debated arguing the point. On the one hand, Finn racing along in an expensive piece of medical equipment was annoying. On the other, he didn’t really want to engage with Rey just then. There were too many people around, and he still felt awkward about the flare of attraction he hadn’t _quite_ been able to quash.

He settled for picking up his messenger bag and settling into his chosen seat, not as far from the teenagers as he would have liked. He tugged his reading glasses from his pocket, slipped them on, and dug quizzes and a red pen out of his bag.

“Are those from fifth period?” Poe asked.

“They are,” Ben replied, tapping his pen absently as he scanned the top quiz.

“Get to mine yet?” Poe shifted closer, just slightly too far into Ben’s personal space, and Ben tensed.

He breathed in through his nose and schooled himself, reminding himself that he owed Poe for telling him about Rey’s lunch situation, and didn't react to the intrusion. Instead, he shuffled through the quizzes until he found Poe’s. “Hang on.” After a few seconds he marked a wrong answer. Another few seconds, two more wrong answers, and Poe groaned. Ben tried not to smirk, made one final mark, and wrote Poe’s grade at the top. “Six out of ten.”

“That’s not bad,” said Kaydel. “My last English quiz, I got four out of ten.”

Poe grimaced and moved back, out of Ben’s space. “My mom isn’t going to like it.”

“There are extra credit projects listed on your syllabus,” Ben said, calmly slashing a wrong answer on the next quiz. At the pointed silence, he glanced up and caught Poe’s sheepish expression. “You _do_ still have your syllabus?”

Poe ran a hand over his hair, mussing it. “Somewhere.”

Ben shook his head, not surprised in the least. “I have a few extras in my desk. Remind me before class tomorrow.”

His mother entered. He could hear her feet on the carpet and the clink of ice in her glass. It would be her first rum and coke of the day, light on the rum, with a second one after dinner to help her sleep.

She placed a warm hand on his shoulder. “You want a beer?”

He wasn't a social drinker, and he had to drive home after dinner, and anyway he probably shouldn't drink in front of students, so he marked another wrong answer and said, “No, thank you.”

He heard the wry smile in her voice when she offered, “Coffee?”

He lifted his head, then, and gazed over his shoulder at the woman who’d given him life and was about to give him caffeine. “You are an angel,” he informed her as solemnly as he could.

She laughed and patted his shoulder. “You butter me up all you want, but you’re not getting out of Sunday dinner.”

“Ha ha,” he replied blandly.

The interaction made him a little less stressed. At least until he turned back to his quizzes and caught Rey _looking_ at him. He wasn’t sure how to classify her expression. Soft. Maybe a little appraising. He focused on the quizzes in front of him but kept her look in mind, turning it over and examining it.

 _Stop it_ , he told himself, glowering and marking a wrong answer a little too vigorously.

Rey and her friend Rose were huddled together on the couch now, whispering. Ben could see them in his periphery, but he didn’t look over. Best not to draw attention to himself. Or to Rey. Or to anything at all. He probably shouldn’t even be there, but he knew it would be impossible to stay away with the memory of Rey's pain and terror so fresh in his mind.

He liked seeing her here, in this safe place. It soothed him.

A loud crack from the garage made him shove his work aside and bolt for the kitchen, ripping his reading glasses off as he skidded to a stop before the garage doorway so as not to bowl over his mother. She was already there, one foot on the steps leading down, and she turned and placed a hand on Ben’s chest, keeping him from pushing past.

He _knew_ that noise. His parents had taken him to gun ranges when he was young, determined that their son should know how to shoot.

“Get the kids upstairs,” she said, trying to catch his eye.

He peered over her, beyond her, and saw Han with his old revolver, the garage ceiling crumbling where he’d shot it. He was squaring off with Plutt.

“Just let me _talk_ to the girl!” Plutt was saying. The sight of him made Ben’s hands curl into fists, and he wanted to use them on that ugly face. The litany of Plutt’s sins danced in his head, listed out in Rey’s soft, tired voice.

“Ben,” his mother snapped, and he jerked his gaze to hers. “Get Rey. Take her upstairs. She doesn’t need to see this.”

Rey. Her name cut through the angry haze; he nodded and turned on his heel. Poe and Finn stood by the kitchen entrance, craning their necks to see what had happened, but fell away as Ben approached.

Rey looked pale under her freckles, eyes searching his face. “Is anyone hurt?”

“No.” Unfortunately. He looked at Finn and Poe. “Phones?”

Poe nodded, and Finn pulled his out of his pocket.

“Good.” Ben didn’t have the wherewithal for more than short sentences. He couldn’t think, could only act. He strode to Rey, startling her as he moved her homework off her lap and lifted her into his arms. “Everyone upstairs. Come on.”

He led the way, quickly jostling Rey into a more stair-friendly angle as she hooked cold fingers behind his neck and stared anxiously into his face.

“What’s going on?”

“It’s fine,” he said, not looking at her. He and his mother had gone over an emergency plan after Rey went to bed on Saturday, just in case Plutt or someone equally unsavory dropped by. Ben’s job was to get Rey out of sight and call the police while his mom handled things.

He wasn’t worried for his mom’s safety at all. Not only was she the toughest person he’d ever met, but she and his dad both had concealed carry permits. His mom was armed with a Sig Sauer under her loose blouse.

They hadn’t _expected_ trouble, of course, and both of his parents preferred talking to violence, but neither of them had _ever_ expressed a problem with the idea of shooting someone for trespassing.

He was frankly surprised that Han hadn’t killed Plutt on the spot.

He led the teenagers to his parents’ bedroom. He hadn’t been in this room in years, but it was mostly the same as he remembered. Still mildly cluttered, his mom’s jewelry out on her dresser and his dad’s dirty clothes in a pile in the floor, a short stack of books on his mom’s nightstand beside thin gold reading glasses, and a wallet and car magazine on his dad’s.

He set Rey gently down on the rumpled bed and asked Poe to lock the door.

“What’s happening?” asked Kaydel, her eyes wide.

Ben remembered his lockdown training for school shooters and made the effort to sound calm and sure. “This is just a precaution.” It _was_ just a precaution. His mom wanted Rey away from the stress of seeing Plutt, and Plutt could only get past Ben’s parents by using extreme force. Highly unlikely for that bottom-feeder. “Poe, may I use your phone?”

Rey made a motion for the others to join her on the bed, and the girls clambered up beside her, the boys flanking them after Poe unlocked and handed over his phone.

Ben dialed the police and held the phone to his ear, coaching himself to exude calm. It helped when he noticed Finn slip his hand into Rose’s.

When the operator picked up, he thought calm thoughts as he gave his parents’ address and requested police assistance. “A man has shown up to speak to a minor in the household who has a restraining order against him.” The operator told him officers would be there soon and to stay calm and not engage. “I understand. Please let the officers know that my mother and father are armed and have gun permits.” He agreed to stay on the line and began to pace, the room feeling too small. A quick glance showed him that the girls had huddled closer together and every eye was locked onto him.

He turned his attention back to pacing, the woman on the phone updating him on the squad car’s progress. He tossed a look at his mother’s nightstand where a gun safe hid. He knew the combination, but loading a gun in front of frightened teenagers was a terrible idea.

He swallowed his irritation and focused on little details around the room. Lamps, beautifully-framed family photos, a humidifier and writing desk that he'd never seen before. He reminded himself that he didn’t need a gun unless a firefight broke out, and then he would secure the kids in his parents’ closet and guard the locked bedroom door. Which he could, if he had to. Absolutely.

It would undoubtedly be less strenuous than all this goddamn _waiting_.

He wanted to rip the door off its hinges, to punch a wall, anything to relieve the rage bubbling up in his veins.

He stopped at the window, took a deep breath, and forced himself to stand still. His pacing had ratcheted up the tension in the room. He could feel it in the air, hear it in the little whimper Rose let out before Finn put his arm around her, and see it in Rey's tense posture and worried gaze.

They needed him to control himself. _She_ needed him to control himself.

He used the techniques his therapist had taught him, forcing his muscles to relax one by one and breathing slow and deep.

It felt like forever but was probably only a minute later when his mother knocked on the door.

“All clear,” she called.

Ben opened the door, thanked the emergency operator, and hung up.

His mother entered with her best reassuring smile, her Sig Sauer back in its belt slide holster. She favored shotguns, but she’d been carrying her concealable firearm since Rey moved in.

“Everything is fine,” his mother said, more for the kids than him. He knew her expressions, saw the tense anger lines at the corners of her eyes. “Plutt dropped by wanting to talk to Rey, but we scared him off. The police are going to head over and have a chat with him.”

“What was that bang?” asked Rey, her brows furrowed.

His mother grimaced, and Ben crossed his arms and answered for her, “Dad fired a warning shot into the roof of the garage.”

“Awesome,” said Poe, perking up.

“He shouldn’t have missed,” Ben muttered. He glared at the window and tried to get his anger back under control. The police would handle Plutt. The only thing that mattered was that everyone was safe. Rey was safe.

“Thirty years ago, he wouldn’t have,” his mother assured him. She turned a warm smile on the teenagers on the bed, every inch the gracious hostess. “I’m so sorry for all the fuss. We needed to get everyone out of the way so things wouldn’t escalate. Our family can be a bit—”

“Violent?” offered Ben mildly. “Psychotic?”

His mother glared at him, and he almost laughed. Almost. The fading tension left him a little light-headed. “I was going to say ‘intense,’ but thank you for that.”

“Any time.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, and Ben had to glance away. He felt the edges of his mouth start to curl and pressed his lips together to stop it.

“Mostly,” his mother said as if imparting a great secret, “I wanted to get _this_ one out of the way.” She jerked a thumb at Ben, and the urge to laugh died, turning into a glower. “Thank you all for distracting him for me.”

He knew what his mother was doing. He did. She was trying to lighten the mood so that the kids would be less scared. What annoyed him was that he knew there was truth to it. She’d admitted as much during their emergency planning.

“Ben,” she’d said, “you can’t engage Plutt. You’ll lose your head and do something stupid. If he shows up, you let me handle him. Got it?”

He’d argued, but it had been halfhearted because she hadn’t been wrong. If he got his hands on Plutt, he would hurt the other man — and once he started, he didn’t know if he’d be able to stop.

His mother was saying more inane things and inviting everyone to stay for dinner, which irritated Ben further. He didn’t relish having three of his students at the same table as his parents.

Then she volunteered him to drive people home, and he hoped very much that they would all choose to leave. Rose and Kaydel looked shaken, as if they’d just survived a natural disaster. He felt bad about that, but he still hoped they would go away.

He waited for the others to follow his mother out before he bent to lift Rey into his arms. Hers went around his neck, and she peered up at him.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“Wasn’t your fault.”

He sighed. “I made it worse.”

Her arms tightened. “It’s over now. Everyone’s okay.”

He glanced down at her as he maneuvered into the hallway and adjusted his grip for the stairs. She’d set her chin at a determined angle.

He shook his head. “Okay.”

She grinned. “So how excited are you for the car wash on Saturday?”

He felt for the first step with his foot. Going down was trickier than going up had been. “It will be a nightmare.”

She scrunched her nose at him. “Really?”

“Chaperoning a dozen sugar-hyped teenagers wielding garden hoses in the blistering sun.” He grimaced and lowered his voice so it wouldn’t carry. “Do you have _any_ idea how fast I burn?”

Rey laughed, and his lips twitched. “That’s what sunblock is for.”

“Yeah, well.” He didn’t look forward to it, but he would endure worse. For her. The thought made him want to take a step back, find his balance, but she was in his arms and he couldn’t.

“Thank you,” she said softly, and a quick glance showed him that her cheeks had reddened under her tan. “For everything.”

“Yeah,” he breathed. “Well.”

Rey pressed her face into his shirt until they reached the bottom of the stairs, and Ben’s heart gave a little jump and then fell into his stomach.

This was not good.

He set her in her wheelchair, kicking Finn out of it with a jerk of his head, and suppressed a sigh of relief to have his hands off of her. He worried that his cheeks might be traitorously pink, so he went to his discarded messenger bag and started picking his work up off the floor, his back to the room.

* * *

“I don’t want to sound like Lusica,” Kaydel whispered when she sat on the arm of the couch next to Rey’s wheelchair, the two of them alone for a moment as the others gathered in the kitchen to discuss what to order for dinner, and Rose called home to make sure it was okay if she stayed. “But goddamn.”

Rey followed Kaydel’s appreciative gaze to Ben’s butt where he bent to pick up his papers. She looked away quickly, blushing. “Um.”

Kaydel smiled sheepishly. “Sorry. I really don’t want to be _that_ girl. And you don’t like talking about it, right?” When Rey just made an awkward noise in her throat, Kaydel shrugged. “I get it. I mean, I like talking _about_ boys, but I’m not any good at talking  _to_ boys. Not like Luce.” Kaydel tilted her head to one side and regarded Ben thoughtfully. “She doesn’t get that other people don’t want the same things she does, or that we handle things differently. She’s bold, you know? Always pushing. It doesn’t even compute that some of us prefer to take things slower.”

“I wish she’d stop pushing him,” Rey murmured back. “He hates it.”

“Yeah,” said Kaydel. “But — and please don’t get mad — it’s kind of hilarious to watch.”

Rey rolled her eyes but couldn’t stop a smile. “Maybe a little. In hindsight. When it’s not _me_ she’s embarrassing.”

Kaydel nodded sympathetically. “Yeah. It’s _always_ funnier when it’s not you.”

“She’s done it to you?”

“Oh my God, it’s like a prerequisite for being her friend. You have to be ready to be mortified in front of your crush _at least_ once.” Kaydel laughed to herself. “I’ve honestly stopped telling her when I like someone, because she’ll do something _super_ obvious to try and throw us together.”

Rey laughed along with her. “That’s awful.”

“Yeah. But it’s nice to have someone who cares _that much_ about your happiness, you know?” Kaydel got a silly little smile on her face. “She’s a pain, but she’s a really loyal friend.”

Rey smiled. “It’s good to have someone like that.”

“You and Finn though, yeah? You’ve been joined at the hip for, like, ever. How’s he dealing with all of this?” Kaydel tilted her head slightly in Ben’s direction. He wasn’t bending over any more, sitting in his chair now and organizing papers with a little frown on his face.

“You know, we haven’t had a chance to talk about it. I’ve been grounded, or there have always been other people around.” Guilt stirred in her stomach.

Kaydel nodded, peering into the kitchen where Finn and Poe bickered over takeout menus. “He seems to be doing okay. Him and Rose, right?”

Rey nodded, her smile turning sad. “We haven’t talked about that yet, either.”

Everyone stayed for dinner, gathering to sit or stand around the kitchen island. Leia handed Ben his reading glasses when the pizza arrived, which he tucked in his pocket. He must have lost them in the kitchen.

Han came in from the garage to grab a plate and show off his revolver. Poe and Finn were particularly interested in how he'd intimidated Plutt into leaving. As Han bragged, Leia caught Rey's eye and rolled her own, making Rey laugh.

“No weapons at the dinner table,” said Leia, and Han tucked it in his waistband under his jacket with an unrepentant grin.

Ben ate quietly, occasionally glancing toward the living room as if eager to get back to his work — or away from the crowd — and Rey tried not to watch him.

It was getting harder, being around him while he ignored her.

He finished his pizza before anyone else and kissed his mother goodbye. He was halfway out of the room when Rey called, “Good night!” in the hopes that he would look at her, and he did.

But.

His glance was perfunctory, polite, accompanied only by a brief nod. “Goodnight.”

She watched him go with a frown. They’d made headway, hadn't they? He'd carried her on the stairs. He'd opened up about a personal detail, if sunburn could be considered personal. He'd wanted to murder Plutt. That was progress. It _felt_ like progress.

She'd be lying, though, if she said she hadn't felt him pulling back into himself all through dinner.

Was it the others?

Or was it her?

* * *

Rey’s first day back at school was a pain, and not just because she had to go everywhere in the wheelchair and realized how utterly obnoxious it was trying to maneuver the halls on wheels. She also had to keep explaining, over and over, that she wasn’t paralyzed and nothing was broken and she’d be getting out of the chair soon, which made her feel a little bit like a fraud even though she knew she was _supposed_ to use the chair.

The worst was when well-meaning people asked what happened.

Rey… didn’t want to talk about it. But she didn’t want to be rude, so she found herself using Ben’s explanation — that she’d stepped on some glass.

A few people told her she ought to be more careful, and she’d smiled tightly at them.

In last period, Jessika approached and asked if she was okay.

“I heard what happened from Poe.”

Rey smiled, relieved she didn’t have to explain anything this time. “The worst part is I stepped on a nail. It only barely missed hitting bone. I had to get my tetanus shot updated, and the doctor is pretty sure it’s going to get infected because it’s so deep and will take longer to heal, so I have to keep an eye on it.”

“Ugh. But, hey, antibiotics. And now you’re not grounded, you’ll be able to make it to the fundraiser. I mean, if you feel up to it,” she said quickly. “Obviously, if you don’t…”

“No, it’s fine,” said Rey, feeling more herself than she had all day. “I really want to be there. I can man the table.”

Jessika’s grin spread across her face. “Absolutely, you can.”

* * *

 

That evening, Ben showed up for dinner again -- tacos this time from Han’s favorite Mexican place -- and Han joked that they’d seen him more in the last few days than in the last year.

Rey wondered if that was true, but Ben only scowled and replied, “Didn’t you want to talk about the fundraiser?”

Han snapped his fingers. “Yes! I was thinking of doing five dollar oil changes. You, me, and Chewie. You still know how to change a car’s oil?”

A sardonic brow. “I think I recall.”

“Five dollars with purchase of oil and filter from the shop. Drum up sales _and_ get money for the kids.” Han slapped the table, grinning.

Ben looked thoughtful. “I’ll run it by the club president tomorrow.”

“I think it’s a great idea,” Rey assured Han. “She’ll love it.”

“ _She_ , huh? Got a girl president in the robotics club?” Han nodded. “Progressive.” Then, when no one said anything, he looked around the table. “I say something wrong?”

Leia raised her soda to her lips. “It’s _more_ progressive if you don’t point it out, dear.”

“Ah,” said Han. “Sorry about that. Still not used to these new ‘woke’ rules.”

Ben shook his head. “Don’t use air quotes for the word ‘woke.’ Actually, don’t say ‘woke’ at all. It’s weird.”

“Why not? I’m hip.”

“You are _not_ hip.”

Leia reached across the table to pat Han’s hand. “I think you’re hip, dear.”

“I'm still cool,” he told his wife stubbornly.

“Damn right, you are,” she replied, leaning over to kiss him.

Ben held a hand up in front of his eyes. “I’m eating,” he complained.

Rey laughed, drawing Ben's gaze for a moment before he turned back to his tacos with a pensive frown.

Withdrawing. Again.

When he left after dinner, he shouldered his bag with a casual, “See you tomorrow,” and Rey didn’t know if it was directed at her or all of them.

* * *

 

The next day, Lusica isolated Rey the moment she showed up for the club meeting. “Oh my God, you look awful. I heard _everything_.”

Rey felt as if neither of these statements were true. “Okay?”

With a glance toward the front of the room to make sure they wouldn’t be overheard, Lusica leaned closer. “I heard they’re not even letting you stay at his place. I am _so_ sorry. Is there someone you can talk to about that? Surely they’d let you. I mean, you’re soulmates.”

Rey flushed. “I’m… I… um, no. No, there’s… that’s not happening. At all.”

Lusica sighed. “Damn.” Then she patted Rey’s shoulder. “You hang in there, girl. We’ve got your back. And if you want to talk or anything.” Lusica shrugged, glancing at Rey’s feet. “I had a boyfriend get a little rough last year, so I kind of know what it’s like.”

Rey was immediately concerned. “Were you okay?”

Lusica averted her gaze. “Yeah, kinda. I mean, I dumped his ass for it.” She waved a hand airily and, like that, she was back to her usual careless self. “So if you want to talk or anything, I’m around.” Lusica patted her on the shoulder and flounced back to her friends.

Perplexed, Rey met Kaydel’s eye, and Kaydel smiled and shrugged.

Rey smiled and shrugged back, and Kaydel laughed.

Later, when they were discussing which local businesses might sponsor the club, Lusica raised her hand and asked, “Why are we waiting to talk to them?”

Jessika considered this. “I suppose I could go around to a few and start making inquiries.”

“No, like, why isn’t Rey going to talk to them?”

Jessika pursed her lips as if Lusica had asked a stupid question. “Um… because she’s injured and in a wheelchair?”

“Exactly!” Lusica stood up, in her element as she walked over to circle behind Rey. “Look at her. _Look_ at this face. Freckles. Dimples. Fresh as a daisy, and sweet as American apple pie.”

“I’m British,” Rey protested, but Lusica ignored her. Finn, she saw, was trying not to laugh.

“Put her in something cute, wheel her into any business in town, and they will be _falling over themselves_ to give us their money.”

Jessika was listening, which surprised Rey.

“And,” Lusica added with dramatic flourish, “you could send someone along to play up her tragic backstory. ‘Oh, how she got in that chair? She doesn’t really like to talk about it. Poor thing. The only thing keeping her spirits up is this club.’” Lusica hammed it up, biting her lip and giving puppy dog eyes to whatever version of a business owner she was imagining.

Finn started laughing in earnest then, but Jessika was nodding. She glanced at Rey. “I don’t want to make you do anything you’re uncomfortable with, obviously, but playing the sympathy card is not a bad idea.”

Rey’s brows flew up. “Really?”

Jessika shrugged. “It’s up to you. But think about it, yeah? Even just showing up in the wheelchair. Can you imagine the faces of those jerks who turned us down over email?” Jessika shook her head with a small smile. “It would make it hard for them.”

Rey considered. There was a certain spiteful appeal to the idea of bringing those specific businesses to heel. “I’ll think about it,” she promised.

Jessika nodded. “Okay.”


	14. Car Wash, Part 1

On Friday, Rey taught Leia how to make cookies. Ben had shown up for dinner every day that week and left right after, but that night he had to go with Han to meet Jessika at the auto shop and make sure the space was ready.

This left Rey and Leia on their own before dinner.

Because Rey couldn’t stand up, Leia helped her perch on a stool at the kitchen island and got all of the ingredients out, following Rey’s directions with a wry smile and a mixed drink in her free hand, laughing at her own mistakes.

Rey coached Leia through the mixing and helped scoop dough onto the baking sheets. She even explained an article she’d read earlier that week (having her phone back was amazing) about what each ingredient did, like how extra baking soda made them more cakelike, or how cookies using only brown sugar tasted like butterscotch and baking at over 356° Fahrenheit would give it a nice brown, because that was the temperature at which sugar caramelized.

And Leia _listened_ , actually listened to every eager fact Rey had gleaned from her baking research, listened with a kind smile on her lips and drink in her hand as the kitchen warmed and the scents of vanilla and chocolate began to fill the air around them.

They laughed and talked as the cookies baked, both of them smudged with flour.

When the timer dinged, Leia moved the finished product onto a cooling rack and put a few on plates to share, calling it “quality testing.”

“Oh my God, did I actually make these?” Leia stared at the cookie in her hand, and Rey laughed.

“You did. They’re amazing.”

“We need milk.” Leia went to the fridge. “I might not be able to make a roast, but I can damn well pour a drink.” She returned with two tall glasses of milk and set one in front of Rey. “Here you go.”

Rey thanked her and took a bite, relaxing into the warmth of the sweet and the comfort of the moment.

When Han got home, he stole a cookie and settled at the island with them. “He went home,” he said kindly when Rey glanced toward the door. “Had things to finish before tomorrow.”

“Oh. Okay.”

* * *

The morning of the car wash, Rey woke up bright and early and wheeled cheerfully into the living room where Leia sat with a cup of coffee.

“Good morning!”

Leia raised a brow at her, a gesture that reminded Rey strongly of Ben, and yawned. “I swear, I don’t know where you get all that energy.”

“She’s powered by sunshine,” Ben said dryly, exiting the kitchen with a mug between his hands. “That’s why all the freckles.”

Rey flushed deeply. She hadn’t known Ben was there, or she would have gotten dressed before coming out. Not that her borrowed PJs were inappropriate — some old leggings of Leia’s that didn’t quite cover Rey’s ankles and a black band shirt, soft and worn and clearly too large to have ever belonged to Han. Leia had handed it to her with an airy, “He left them here, so they’re mine to lend out.”

Han exited right behind his son, his eyes as bleary as Leia’s. “I’m powered by coffee.”

Ben’s gaze landed on his old shirt. He paused to take it in, his eyes unreadable over his coffee mug. He sipped, then turned deliberately to find a seat.

“I’m not sure what you’re powered by, Ben,” said Leia, tilting her head toward Han as her husband threaded his fingers through her loose hair and massaged her scalp. “It’s certainly not sunshine.”

“Solitude,” he replied, tugging his phone out of his pocket and checking it. He wore a plain dark t-shirt and knee-length cargo shorts, exposing more of his pale skin than Rey had ever seen before. He had dark moles peppered across that skin and dustings of dark hair on his forearms and calves.

His arms were… distracting. Rey wasn’t sure what about them made them different from anyone else’s arms, but they looked a little bigger and stronger than she thought arms usually were.

“Ben’s always been an early riser,” Leia explained to Rey, who pretended she hadn’t just been ogling the man in question. “Not sure where he got it from.”

“Your brother gets up early,” Han said, still massaging Leia’s scalp.

Leia closed her eyes and looked so relaxed under Han’s hand, Rey thought she might fall asleep. “Mm. That’s true.”

“Please don’t compare me to him,” Ben said mildly, eyes back on the shirt Rey wore.

Rey wondered how awkward it would be if she went back to her room right then to change.

Han took his hand back and drank more of his coffee. “I’m going to head over to the shop as soon as it opens and make sure my guys are ready.”

Ben nodded and caught Rey’s eye. “We’ll need to leave around nine to get there and help set up. I want to arrive before the others so they won’t be there unsupervised.”

Rey glanced at a clock on the mantel. That gave her two hours to get ready. For her usual routine, she could take fifteen to thirty minutes, depending on whether she washed her hair or not, but now she had to put plastic over her feet to keep them dry and take baths instead of showers, all of which slowed her down. She sighed and started to turn her chair. “I guess I should get cleaned up.”

“We’ll have breakfast ready when you’re done,” Leia promised.

“Or we’ll burn the house down,” said Ben.

“We have _cereal_ , Benjamin.”

Rey rolled away to the sound of good-natured bickering.

By the time Rey finished getting ready and rolled into the kitchen, her pain pills had long worn off. She must have looked like a complete disaster, because Ben glanced at her, closed his book, and shoved out of his seat with a muttered, “Shit.”

She heard the sound of running water, and a moment later Ben returned with a half-full glass and two of her prescribed pills. “Here,” he said, putting them in her hand. “Take these.”

She was embarrassed to realize her hand had a tremor running through it, but she did as asked and thanked him when she was done. He stood there looking down at her, a worried line between his brows, until he remembered himself. He gestured to the cereal boxes crowded in the middle of the table. “Which would you like?”

“Cocoa Puffs, please.”

His lips quirked. “Of course.”

“There’s nothing wrong with Cocoa Puffs,” she huffed, discomfort turning her skin hot as he filled a bowl with cereal and added milk.

“Sure, if your goal is to rot your teeth with zero nutritional value.”

Rey made the effort of rolling her eyes. “Thanks, _dad_.”

He snorted, fixing those big brown eyes on her with a smirk. “Says the girl dressed like a twelve-year-old.”

Rey, momentarily startled by his teasing tone, blinked and looked down at herself. “What’s wrong with the way I’m dressed?” She didn’t have a swimsuit, so she’d thrown on a faded red t-shirt and short overalls. Shifting her legs had been agony as she’d wiggled into the shorts and fastened the straps, but she’d forced herself to finish and crawl into her wheelchair, unwilling to call for help when she could simply power through on her own.

His eyes turned warm, and he set the bowl in front of her. “Absolutely nothing.”

She caught his wrist without having planned to and pressed her flushed forehead against his cool skin. The contact helped distract her from the throbbing full-body ache radiating up from her feet. She looked up at him miserably, meeting his wide eyes. “Thank you.”

He swallowed and gently extracted his arm, brushing her still-damp hair back from her face as if he couldn’t help himself. “Let me know when the pills kick in, and we’ll head out.” He nudged the bowl closer, making the cereal sway lightly in the milk. “And make sure to eat. The meds will irritate your stomach if you don’t.”

She was tempted to make another joke about him acting like a worried dad, but she felt too wretched to bother. And, frankly, she didn’t want him to confirm that that was how he saw her.

So she picked up her spoon and began to eat while Ben sat across from her and went back to his book. She didn’t miss that he tucked bookmark she’d made him between the cover and the first page to keep it out of the way as he read.

“Where’s Leia?” she asked when she got toward the end of her cereal and the pain started to recede back toward her feet — the first sign of her pills working.

“Getting ready. She takes forever.” He rolled his eyes. “She’ll meet us there later.” He observed her carefully. “Feeling any better?”

Rey nodded. “Starting to. We can probably go in a minute.”

He nodded back, and it occurred to Rey as her thoughts cleared from the pain that she had him alone. She could ask him anything she wanted.

“What’s your favorite color?” She wanted to slap her own forehead. _Really?_ Of all the earth-shattering conversations she could have started, _that_ was what she picked?

He glanced up. After a moment, he ducked his head and admitted, “Black.”

“Green,” she offered.

He nodded. “Good color. Dark green or light green?”

“Green-green. Like the grass in summer.” She tilted her head thoughtfully. “I really like plants. Maz had a lot of potted plants — my old foster mom.”

He put his book in his cargo shorts pocket with a thoughtful frown and stood. “About ready to go?”

Rey ate the last soggy Cocoa Puff and rolled herself backward, away from the table. “Yep.”

She grabbed the box of cookies she and Leia had made, and Ben helped her out the door, keys in hand. He was parked in the driveway and lifted her into his car before folding her wheelchair into the back. His touch was perfunctory, even as Rey caught her breath and flushed to have his face so close to her own.

When he lowered himself into the driver’s seat, he flipped down a compartment over his rearview mirror, took out a pair of sunglasses, and slid them on. They looked good on him, but they hid his eyes.

“You’re less uptight than usual,” she noted as he started the car.

His brows rose, and he glanced at her before shifting into reverse and backing out. A smile teased at his mouth when he asked, “I’m uptight?”

“Very.”

He didn’t reply right away, but she was relieved to see that he didn’t seem upset, just thoughtful. “Yeah. You’re right.”

“Why _are_ you so miserable all the time?”

“Wow. Right for the jugular.” He still didn’t seem angry, and that encouraged her.

“So?” she asked when he didn’t respond.

His mouth twisted to one side. “I wasn’t kidding about being misanthropic. I hate most people. Vehemently.” He checked over his shoulder and switched lanes. “And I’m surrounded by people most days.” He shrugged.

It explained… a lot, actually. But not everything. “Why did you become a teacher if you don’t like people?”

He sighed, and his voice went soft. “I like to read. Books made my childhood a lot less lonely. So when I wanted to study literature in college, everyone said the only thing I could do with that degree was teach. I was an idiot and listened to them.”

The pieces clicked together. “You hate it.”

He laughed. “ _So_ much.” He shifted to a higher gear and returned both hands to the wheel. “I know I’m a crappy teacher because of it.”

Rey shook her head. “You aren’t a bad teacher.”

He turned his head briefly to give her an incredulous look.

“You’re a _mean_ teacher. And difficult. Kind of a nightmare.”

That little smile was back. “You’re really bad at this reassurance thing.”

“But you care about the subject. It’s obvious from the way you talked when we studied something you were interested in.”

He stayed silent, and she let him process her words. His jaw shifted, and his mouth did a _thing_ , and he said, “That doesn’t make me a good teacher.”

“It doesn’t make you a crappy one.”

He shook his head but didn’t reply, instead reached over to turn the radio on.

Rey took the hint that their conversation was over and spent the rest of the drive listening to classic rock interspersed with local commercials.

* * *

Han’s auto shop was old but functional, like Han himself. Rey saw Jessika talking to Han and an extremely tall bearded man when they pulled in.

Ben parked around back by the Falcon and helped Rey into her chair. He pushed her on the gravel until they were out front, then let Rey take over as the tall man called, “ _Provost!_ ” and lumbered to Ben for a long-armed hug, having to bend because he was, for some reason, even taller than Ben. When they parted, the tall man said something in Russian and gestured to Rey.

Ben rolled his eyes. “This is Rey. Rey, this is Chewbacca.”

At a harsh exclamation from the other man, Ben heaved a long-suffering sigh and amended, “Uncle Chewie.”

Then the giant leaned over and hugged Rey. She found her face muffled by his shoulder and managed a gentle pat that she hoped would suffice. The entire experience was sweet, if odd and a little claustrophobic.

Chewbacca straightened and beamed down at her, saying something else she couldn't understand. When she just looked back at him in confusion, he looked at Ben and made the universal gesture for, “Well? Get on with it.”

“I'm not your translator,” he replied, those distracting arms folded. To Rey, he said, “I'm sorry for him. He knows English but refuses to speak it.”

Chewbacca growled something at this, and Ben said, “It is not a garbage language, you're just lazy.”

Rey smiled, but her curiosity was peaked. “You know Russian?” she asked Ben.

He shrugged and looked over to where Han and Jessika were setting up the bake sale table Rey would be manning. “Enough to get by. I should help. You'll be okay?”

She nodded, and he took a step before remembering something. He pulled a bottle of sunblock from one of his pockets and handed it to her. “Use that,” he ordered.

“Oh. I don't burn.” She awkwardly tried to hand it back, but he didn't take it.

“Do you really want me to stand here and lecture you about UVA rays?”

She made a show of popping the top open and used it to point at him. “Fine. Just stop treating me like a kid.”

“You _are_ a kid,” he muttered, turning to leave. He'd taken maybe three steps away when she chucked the bottle into his back as hard as she could.

He whirled around and stared at her in shock, which transformed into anger. Chewbacca took a cautious step back from both of them, eyes wide.

Rey met Ben's glare with her own, refusing to back down, and Ben slowly, without breaking eye contact, bent to pick up the sunblock. He stepped forward and held it out to her, jaw tense. “Take it.”

She lifted her chin. “No.”

A muscle jumped in his jaw. “Just take the fucking sunscreen, Rey.”

“I don't want to.” It pleased her, seeing the flare of fury in his eyes and knowing she'd caused it. Good. Let _him_ feel frustrated for a change.

He turned and hurled the sunblock into the outer wall of the auto shop so hard that it burst open and splattered everywhere.

“Don't use it, then. See if I care,” he growled at her, and stormed away.

Rey turned her wheelchair and rolled furiously in the opposite direction, her exit much less dramatic because she couldn’t stomp. She stopped when she got behind the building and fumed, fighting the urge to cry.

Why _should_ she cry? It’d be a waste of tears. Jerk wasn’t worth it.

She was still stubbornly sniffing them back when Poe pulled in and disgorged Finn, Rose, and Dopheld.

“Rey!” called Finn, jogging over only to stop and frown when he saw her face. “What happened?”

Then the stupid tears leaked out, and Finn bent to awkwardly wrap his arms around her shoulders and rub her back.

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. What’s wrong?”

She sniffled into his shoulder. “I think we just had a fight.”

He gave her a comforting squeeze. “What about?”

“Something really stupid. It didn’t even matter, he was just being a jerk and I got mad and he got mad, and then I threw it at him.”

“You threw what at who?” asked Poe, approaching with the other two.

Rey lifted her wet face from Finn’s shoulder, and he released her. “A bottle of sunscreen. At Ben.”

Poe’s eyebrows went into his hair. “You are a braver soul than I.”

“What happened?” asked Rose.

Rey shrugged, wiping away the last of her tears.

Finn was looking down at her with a frown. “Give us a minute, guys?” The others left, and Finn crouched down to eye level. “What’s the real problem?”

“He treats me like a child,” she said in a small voice. “And I’m worried that he’s only ever going to _see_ me as a child. Like a… a bratty little sister. And that’s not what I want.

“But he keeps ignoring me. He came over for dinner every night this week, but he didn’t actually talk to me unless he had to. Sometimes he's kind, but mostly he’s just… distant. It’s _really_ getting to me.”

Finn let out a breath that pooched his full lips. “Huh. Well, I’m not any good at relationship stuff, but... have you tried talking to him about it?”

Rey opened her mouth to complain that she never had the chance, but she’d had the chance that morning and hadn’t taken it. Her shoulders slumped. “No.”

He shrugged. “Maybe you should?”

She nodded reluctantly. “You’re right. I hate it, but yeah. I need to.”

Finn nudged her and smiled. “You can do it. You’re fearless. You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

Rey snorted at that, but his smile infected her, and she nudged him back. “How’s it going with Rose?”

Finn’s smile took on a dreamy edge. “Really great. She’s amazing.”

Rey grinned, her own woes put on the back burner for the moment, and fell into a conversation with her best friend during which they caught up on everything they’d missed out on in each other’s lives the past weeks.

* * *

“Mom? I think I fucked up.”

Silence on the other end of the phone, then a simple, “Tell me everything.”

He did. Not just the argument but his frustration with the whole Rey situation.

“Does she know why you’re keeping your distance? Have you explained it to her?”

He glowered at a rock by his foot and kicked it a few feet down the sidewalk. He was maybe two blocks from the auto shop, in front of an overgrown lot with a For Sale sign staked at the front of it. It was as good a place as any for a private conversation.

“No,” he finally said, and the word fell like a lead weight between them.

His mother’s voice remained soft. “Don’t you think you ought to?”

He gave a humorless laugh. “What am I supposed to say? ‘Hey, sorry I’m a dick, but you’re jailbait so can you please stay on the other side of the room?’”

“That’s one way to do it.” He could hear the wry laughter in his mother’s voice. Then she sighed. “I know I said I’d stay out of this, but if I may be blunt?”

“When are you _not_?” But he was smiling now, and he knew she could hear it.

“If you keep pushing her away, she’s going to think you don’t want anything to do with her at all. You need to find a way to include her in your life.”

He swallowed and stared blindly at the For Sale sign. When he spoke again, it was in the scared whisper he hadn’t used since he’d had nightmares as a boy. “I don’t trust myself, mom. What if I let her in, and I do something I can’t live with?” It was something he hadn’t said aloud to anyone, something he’d barely allowed himself to think, but it had lingered behind his every interaction with her.

If he let her in, things could spiral out of control.

His mom didn’t tell him that that wouldn’t happen, didn’t try to reassure him, and he appreciated her for that. They both knew his impulse control wasn’t the best.

Instead, she was silent for a long time, and he waited for her assessment. “You don’t want to get romantic with her. Yes?”

He let out a breath. “Right.”

He could imagine his mother widening her stance the way she would before speaking to the Senate. Her voice took on the hard quality that made her a force to be reckoned with, the one she would use in political debates or when teenage Ben had gotten into another fight at school. “Okay. Then you need to set that boundary, and you need to enforce it. No compromises, no ‘just this once’ bullshit.”

He thought about that, wondering how quickly Rey might get him to crumble if he let her worm her way into his life. The resulting panic made his chest tight. “Could you… could you not leave us alone together? I just… it’ll be easier that way.”

“Hard to give in to temptation with your mother looking over your shoulder, hm?” She was teasing, he could tell, but her voice was serious when she said, “Yes. I can do that for you.”

He let out a breath, and the panic eased. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now go and apologize.”

He snorted but said he would and made his goodbyes. He looked at the phone in his hand for a long minute before turning and making his way back toward the auto shop.

* * *

Rey didn’t know how long they’d been talking when Finn looked past her and lost his smile. The sound of crunching gravel got closer, but Rey didn’t have to turn to know who it was.

“May I intrude?” Ben asked softly.

Finn met Rey’s eye, and she gave him a small nod. He straightened. “I should go see if they need help.” But he glanced back before he rounded the corner, dark eyes worried.

Rey turned her chair and crossed her arms. “What?”

He winced, and she immediately felt bad about her sharp tone. “I need to apologize for my behavior.”

Rey lifted her chin and gave him as regal a nod as she could muster. “Go ahead.”

He took a deep breath, his broad shoulders curved inward. He’d shoved his sunglasses on top of his head, pushing his hair back, and she could see the tips of his ears among the black. “I am… an asshole. I’m difficult, demanding, overbearing—”

“Patronizing.”

“—patronizing, temperamental, and violent.” He took another breath, and his jaw shifted. He put his hands in his pockets and glanced down at his feet. “I’m in therapy,” he said simply, and she didn’t know why the information surprised her. “For the anger and… other things. I haven’t been to a session for a while, but I’m going to make another appointment because clearly I need it.” He worried his bottom lip and looked at the weeds sprouting by the wall. “It’s difficult. Dealing with all of this and not knowing how I’m supposed to act. I get it wrong sometimes. And I’m sorry. For this time, for last time, and for all the times I’m sure to fuck up in the future.”

Rey had been softening as he spoke, and at this she felt a twinge of guilt. “In your defense, I _did_ throw the bottle at you.”

He let out a weak laugh and met her eyes. “Yeah. But I was being a _complete_ asshole.”

She smiled. It was awkward, and she still felt a little raw inside, but it was a relief to smile and to have him smile back at her. “Can we be friends now?” she asked.

He looked surprised and didn’t answer right away. “I don’t know.”

Ouch. But, hey, at least he wasn’t shying away from the question. “Can we try?”

He took a deep breath and let it out. “The last friend I had was in fifth grade. Snap Wexley. It ended when I punched him for stealing my Tootsie Roll.”

“I can’t promise I won’t steal your Tootsie Rolls,” she told him solemnly.

The corners of his mouth deepened, and her heart thumped oddly at the way he looked at her. “You won’t have to. You can have all of them.”

She held out a hand. “Friends?”

She’d never seen a man look quite so nervous about a simple handshake. He stared at her hand until she wiggled her fingers and then slowly, carefully extended his own.

“I can’t promise I won’t fuck up,” he said when their hands finally touched and clasped in something that wasn’t _quite_ a handshake.

“I can’t promise I won’t throw things at you when you do,” she assured him.

He smiled at that, and Rey grinned up at him. They drew their hands back, and he fell in beside her as she turned to wheel toward the front of the shop.

“This means you can’t avoid me anymore,” she said, peering up at him. “And you have to actually talk to me.”

He blew out a breath. “Okay.” He pursed his lips and tilted his head back to look at the sky, then turned his face toward her. “I do have to avoid you _a little_ when I’m working, though.”

“Granted. It’s good anyway, I don’t want Lusica getting ideas.”

He groaned. “Am I allowed to say how much I hate her?”

Rey laughed. “You are.”

“I hate her _so_ much.”

She laughed again, and he smiled down at her.

He bit his lip. “If I ask nicely, would you consider sunscreen?”

She looked up at him suspiciously, but he seemed equal parts penitent and hopeful with those big brown eyes of his doing stupid things to her insides. _Puppy dog eyes._ Did he _know_ he was doing that? He certainly couldn’t know that she’d do anything he asked when he looked at her like that, since she hadn’t realized it herself until just that moment.

She sighed. “Yeah, fine. But I think we’ll need more. You broke the last one.”

“Yeah…” He rubbed the back of his neck, then reached into a pocket and drew out his phone. “Maybe my mom can pick some up. I doubt you’re the only one who’ll need it.”

“You’re really worried about sun protection, aren’t you?”

She was teasing, but he took her question seriously, thumbs moving across his screen as he kept up with her leisurely pace. “We’re going to be out here for hours during the hottest part of the day. I’ll be surprised if _Finn_ doesn’t burn.”

They arrived around front, and Ben left her side to help his dad with a box. Rey rolled over to Finn, who was taping a colorful poster with bake sale prices to the front of the sale table.

“Everything okay?” he asked, glancing the way Ben had gone.

Rey tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, feeling suddenly shy about the whole thing. “I think we’re friends now.”

“You weren't before?” he asked, frowning.

“No, not really,” she murmured as Finn stood back to survey his work. The fact that he didn't known how stiff things had been between Rey and her soulmate underlined how long it had been since they'd had a heart-to-heart. It made Rey feel like a crappy friend.

“I'm happy for you, then.” His smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

Rey frowned at him. “What's wrong?”

He opened his mouth, and Rey knew he was going to say, “Nothing,” but he stopped before the lie could slip out. “Mr. Solo… he's just not who I'd pick for you. I worry that you're gonna get hurt.”

“He won't hurt me,” she said softly.

Finn ducked his head. “Not on purpose, no. But there are other ways to hurt people, Rey, and...”

“He's my soulmate,” she said. They were keeping their voices down, but she lowered hers further. “It hasn't been easy, but… I have hope that things will work out.”

Finn frowned. It looked like he wanted to say something else but turned at a summons from Poe and helped the older boy lug a heavy old cooler out of the shop to the table. They set it on the ground on the car wash side, ice inside shifting noisily as they did, and straightened, breathing hard from effort.

“Doing okay?” Poe asked Rey.

She nodded, and Finn said, “She threw something at him and now they're friends.” He gave Poe a “girls are weird” shrug.

Poe pursed his lips. “Okay then. Good to know.”

Rey rolled her eyes at both of them, relieved that Finn felt comfortable enough to tease. He already had a trace of his usual smile back.

“C’mon, guys, these buckets aren't going to fill themselves!” called Jessika from where she and Dopheld were checking items off a list.

The boys left, and Rey glanced over at the other side of the space where Han, Ben, and Chewbacca were setting up for five dollar oil changes.

The entire space for car washes and oil changes was long, mostly gravel, and ran along the front of the auto shop. They'd had to stagger their setup so Han’s mechanics could get cars in and out of the shop's garage for their work, and Han had placed his oil change station closest to the shop’s front office, where customers could buy the correct oil and filter.

Jessika jogged over to speak to the men, then stopped to talk to Rey on her way back. “Still good with manning the table?”

Rey gave her two thumbs up.

“Great! Dopheld has the price sheet and the money box. I have a little cash in it already in case you need to break larger bills.” Jessika ran a hand over her hair as she scanned the area, her brain and body working together in high gear. “Watch Lusica’s crew show up right before we start so they don't have to help set up,” she grumbled.

“So long as they work while they're here,” Rey said, trying to be reassuring.

Jessika smiled down at her. “Yeah. I guess so.” She turned fully to Rey, and Rey saw little beads of sweat already forming at the other girl's hairline. She'd been working hard all morning, and the only breeze kept dying down. “Have you thought any more about Lusica's idea? Going around to businesses in the chair?”

Rey hadn't. She'd been too distracted by school and Ben and settling into his parents’ house. “Let's get through today first. Then we can talk.”

Jessika nodded and took another look around. “Yeah. Good idea.” Then she called, “No, Rose! We're not putting the signs out yet!” and jogged off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to keep Ben and Rey from talking or working anything out, and I stuck to my guns in conversations with folks, and then those two bastards did it anyway. *throws hands up, papers scatter everywhere*
> 
> Whatever, I can work with this. It won't throw my plans into disarray. *cracks knuckles, goes back to writing*


	15. Car Wash, Part 2

The first customer was Leia, as promised. She arrived early, before the signs were up, and was encouraged to wait in the sitting area Jessika had set up for customers (right beside Rey and all of the baked goods because Jessika was some kind of evil fundraising genius). Rey would have appreciated it more if she weren’t tortured by the scent of cookies and cakes she couldn't touch.

“What's good?” Leia asked, perusing the plates as Rey broke her ten dollar bill.

“Finn's mom made the brownies. They’re amazing.”

“You've already tried them?”

“Nah, not allowed to eat the merchandise. But I've had them before.”

“Hm,” said Leia. “I'll take two. No, three. And two of those cupcakes.”

Rey nodded, mentally tallying Leia’s total. The cupcakes were beautiful. Lusica had brought them, and Rey wondered if her mom had made them or if Lusica had hidden baking depths.

Then Rey realized something that made her pause, turn her head toward the oil changing station, and wave until she caught Ben’s eye.

He loped over.

“We don’t have anything to send stuff home in,” Rey said, gesturing to the plethora of baked goods.

His eyes widened. “Huh.”

Leia frowned at the table and began to dig in her purse. “I can call Wicket and see if he’ll donate some boxes to the cause.”

Ben shook his head. “He’s too far away.” His jaw shifted as he worked out the problem. “Okay. There’s a Chinese place Dad frequents around the corner here. They’d probably give us a few takeout boxes.”

“I can go,” Leia said, but Ben shook his head and flagged down Han.

“Your car is unavailable, and he’s not doing anything.”

Han arrived and kissed Leia’s cheek. “What’s up?”

They explained the situation, and he took off with a wink, promising to beg, borrow, or steal what they needed.

Leia turned to Ben and reached up to rub at a spot of sunblock he’d missed beside his nose. He allowed it. “I’m proud of you,” she told him.

Ben flushed, and his mouth did something vulnerable. He glanced away. “Thanks.”

“And you still need a haircut,” Leia said.

Ben sighed, exasperated, but seemed relieved to return to his normal range of emotions. “Noted.” He glanced at Chewbacca at the oil change station. “I should get back. In case, you know. Anyone comes.”

Leia shook her head. “Go on, then.”

Ben retreated, and Leia turned back to Rey. “He’s never been good with compliments,” she confessed with a wry smile.

Rey made a noncommittal noise and glanced toward the club members scrubbing Leia’s car.

Jessika had mapped everyone’s job out down to the last detail. One person per door. One person had tires, one had the front bumper, one had the back. Finn, as the tallest of the group, had the roof, and Poe, as the second tallest, had the hood.

Kaydel stood by with the hose, occasionally spraying to keep the soap from drying. Lusica had wanted the hose job, but she’d gotten stuck with back bumper duty because Jessika didn’t trust her not to spray people.

They were chatting and laughing as they worked, music blaring from the radio Han had set up. It covered any words that might have drifted toward the sales table.

Rey felt a little lonely, sitting and watching.

Leia pulled one of the chairs over to sit beside her. “I’m thinking we can have those brownies tonight after dinner. I should pick something up — what do you think of Greek tonight?”

“Mr. Wicket’s?” she asked.

Leia’s eyes twinkled. “Where else?”

“That sounds _amazing_.”

Leia started playing with Rey’s hair, carefully finger-combing and braiding it, even though she didn’t have a hair band to tie it off with. It started unraveling the moment she let it go, but the gentle ministrations had helped Rey relax. She couldn’t recall much about her own mother, but having someone play with her hair brought back a sort of comforting yearning she only vaguely remembered.

Leia’s car was washed and dried by the time Han got back with the boxes, and Jessika trotted over to see what was going on. She seemed irritated with herself for missing that detail and thanked Han for his help.

“Okay, everyone!” Jessika called, summoning the damp and smiling horde. “We are officially open!” A few people clapped, and Poe whooped. “Let’s give it up for our first customer, Mrs. Solo!”

Leia waved politely as they all cheered, and Rey clapped enthusiastically.

When it died down, Leia turned to Rey. “Now about those brownies.”

“Two dollars per item,” Rey replied. “And you wanted three brownies and two cupcakes, which comes to ten dollars even.”

Leia dug in her purse and handed Rey a twenty. Rey handed back the ten she’d broken for the car wash, and they smiled at each other.

Han handed Leia a box — one of the cheap styrofoam kind that already wanted to blow out of his hands when the breeze picked up. He’d gotten a thick stack of them, and it took a few minutes of arguing to find the best place to set them.

“I will see you this evening,” Leia told Rey, then turned to Ben and made him bend so she could kiss his cheek. “Are you coming to dinner?”

“Sure,” he replied. “I’ll want to shower and change first, though.”

“Grab some clothes and shower at our place. I’ll have food ready when you get in.” He raised a brow at her, and she swatted him. “I’m ordering in.”

He let out a breath. “Good.”

“Watch it, young man,” she warned, turning to stroll over to her car. Dopheld offered to carry her takeout box, and she thanked him with a smile.

Lusica fell into step with them. “You’re Mr. Solo’s mom? You look so young!”

Leia turned her head with a wry smile, and Rey strained to catch her words, aided by a convenient dip in the music. “You’re sweet. Full of shit, but sweet.”

Rey glanced up at Ben, who stood there watching his mother go with narrowed eyes.

“Worried they’ll get something out of her?”

He turned. “No. She promised not to tell stories. To them, anyway.” He nodded toward the rest of the club.

Rose had brought bubble wands so that they could pass time when there were no customers, and she and Finn started a bubble battle as soon as Leia pulled out of the lot with a wave.

Poe grabbed a wand and everyone else followed his lead.

Bubbles and shrieks filled the air.

“Go on,” said Ben. Rey’s gaze snapped up to him, and he tilted his chin toward the battle. “Go have fun. I’ll watch the table.”

She blinked, then frowned. “You could come, too.”

He looked at the jumping, shrieking mess of teenagers and grimaced. “I’d rather not. But you should.” He gestured again. “Go.”

“Okay, okay. Bossy.”

He grinned at that, and Rey felt proud of herself.

Rey found herself swept up in the bubble game, laughing and blowing bubbles at people as Poe rolled her rapidly toward victims. At one point, Finn used her like a shield against a determined Rose, who called him a cheater before he darted around Rey and ducked low to grab Rose around the waist and lift her off her feet. Rose shrieked and laughed, and Kaydel ran past chased by her redheaded friend while Lusica sat back and giggled, blowing bubbles mostly into the air to watch them float back down.

Dopheld and Jessika had settled into some sort of “who can pop them the fastest” game, taking turns blowing.

Rey glanced over and saw Ben reading at the sales table with a contented look on his face. He wouldn’t fit in here, with the bubbles. She couldn’t even imagine him chasing people like Poe or laughing like Finn or even jumping up and swatting bubbles out of the air like Dopheld.

There was no point system and no rules, but Poe looked at how much bubble solution they all had left and declared the redhead the winner, to her immense delight.

As the bubbles lost their appeal and a new song came on, Poe grabbed Rose’s hands and convinced her to dance with him.

Poe was a good dancer. Rose was stiff and blushing, obviously uncomfortable with dancing in front of other people until Finn got between them with a dirty look at Poe and twirled Rose away, making her laugh.

Poe shrugged and beckoned Lusica, who strutted over to the beat and tossed her hair. She proved to be an equally able dancer, and the pair of them shimmied to the music. Rey even heard Poe go, “Nice!” when Lusica showed off some sort of footwork. It wasn’t long before Lusica’s friends joined the two of them, and Rey scooted further back so she wouldn’t trip anyone up.

She felt herself moving, and then Finn took her hands while Rose pushed her chair, trying to match Finn’s steps. Rey started to laugh, and she saw Jessika trying to teach Dopheld some goofy retro moves.

The dancing transferred into nodding heads and tapping feet (and the occasional invisible mic solo) when cars arrived for the ten-thirty soccer match across the street and drove in to get a quick wash and ask about the club. Rey, back at the bake sale table, happily answered all their questions and told them how much every little bit helped. She hadn’t realized it, but she was positioned to be the club’s spokesperson while everyone else was busy scrubbing down cars.

They hit a lull at ten-thirty when the game started, and Ben assured them they’d have more customers when it let out.

“They’ll have more time to work with, and their kids will be hungry.”

During the game, Rey sold a cupcake to a young woman who was having her oil changed. The two of them were having a perfectly pleasant conversation, the same questions as Rey had been answering all morning, when the woman glanced to the side, froze, and gasped, “Holy—”

Rey turned to see what she’d caught sight of, then flushed to the roots of her hair and whipped back.

Ben had been wiping sweat off his brow with the bottom of his t-shirt, exposing a thoroughly impressive set of abs.

When the young woman in front of Rey continued to gape, Rey cleared her throat pointedly. The stranger had the grace to look embarrassed and tried to resume their conversation. She stayed at the table until her car was done, but Rey noticed that she lingered for a few minutes by the oil change station, fiddling with her keys while she spoke to Ben. Rey tried not to watch them, but she couldn’t help herself.

Was she single? Rey peered at her finger and saw the flash of a diamond ring. That loosened a little of the tension in Rey’s stomach, as did the fact that the woman didn’t try to touch Ben, even though she smiled and blushed as they spoke. At one point, Rey saw her absently wet her lips, but it seemed to be an involuntary response rather than an attempt at seduction.

Ben didn’t seem to notice anything amiss, a small frown line between his brows as he responded politely to the flustered stranger. Eventually, Rey saw her thank him and turn to fetch her car, and he returned to tidying up his work station.

Rey saw the young woman peek one last time at him, cheeks pink, before she got in and drove away.

Lusica flopped into the chair beside her. “I can’t believe you just let that happen.”

“Fuck off, Luce,” Rey snapped.

Lusica tossed her hair over her shoulder. She’d worn a crop top and short shorts over her swimsuit, and the damp top clung to her slender curves. She slung one bare leg over the other. “No need to take it out on me. He’s the—”

Rey hissed, “I swear if you don’t stop right now, I will pull your hair out until you’re bald.”

Lusica got to her feet. “Okay, fine.” And sauntered away.

Ben had only just agreed to be her friend. She wasn’t going to ruin that by acting like a jealous girlfriend.

She was jealous, sure. But she wasn’t his girlfriend.

She ignored the swooping disappointment which accompanied that thought as well as the little voice inside that whispered, _You should be._

* * *

Once the soccer game ended, they were _flooded_ as cars started pulling out of the opposite parking lot. Plenty of thrifty parents were interested in the five dollar oil change, and Han, Chewie, and Ben each had their hands full.

Rey found herself surrounded by eager young faces and did brisk business with kids whose parents had handed them a few dollars to indulge their sweet tooth. Some of the parents noticed Rey’s wheelchair, and their expressions went soft. Those parents spoke kindly to her and always bought something off the table. It made Rey a bit uncomfortable, but she smiled sunnily at them and thanked them for their patronage, assuring them that every dollar went straight to the robotics club.

After the influx of customers tapered off to a pair of cars at the washing stations, Poe called, “Hey, Rey! This guy’s from England, too!”

A tall blonde boy approached and held out a hand. “Thomas. Thomas Thanisson.”

“Hi. I’m Rey. Obviously.” She shook his hand with a genuine smile. “Which area are you from?”

“Bromley. Specifically, Penge.”

Rey nodded. Bromley was a borough of London, but her own roots were much less middle-class respectable. “Barking. For a few years, at least. Then here. What brings you to the States?”

“My dad, actually. My mum passed away last year, so I came to live with him.”

“I’m so sorry.”

He shrugged and looked at his shoes. “Thanks.” After a moment, he glanced back at her face. “It’s really nice to meet you,” he admitted. “I’ve been getting a bit homesick.”

Rey nodded, accepted payment from a harried-looking mom, then leaned toward Thomas and raised her brows conspiratorially. “You’re surrounded by foreign accents _all the time_ here.”

He laughed. “They’re everywhere!”

“It’s like, ‘I just want to give my ears a break!’”

“Yes, precisely.”

They laughed, and Thomas looked at his shoes again. When he raised his eyes back to hers, he wore a hesitant expression. “Listen, I don’t mean to be forward, but might I get your phone number?” When she hesitated, he hurried to add, “I just don’t have many friends here yet, and it would be brilliant to be able to ring someone who understands what it’s like.”

Rey smiled. “I know what you mean. Yes, then. You can never have too many friends.” He handed over his phone for her to put her number in. When she finished, she handed it back and pulled out her own, opening her (short) contacts list. “Here.”

“She has a boyfriend.”

Rey closed her eyes as Thomas paused in entering his number.

She was going to _kill_ Lusica.

“Go _away_ , Lusica,” Rey said, her cheeks flushing hot.

“He’s really big,” Lusica added, putting a hand on one cocked hip. “So I wouldn’t try anything if I were you.”

Thomas had turned beet red, fingers stalled above Rey’s contact screen. “Um…”

Rey fixed Lusica with her most intimidating glare. Then, because she knew it would annoy the other girl, she turned back to Thomas with a smile and pretended Lusica didn’t exist. “I’m sorry about her. She thinks everything is a soap opera.” She held a hand gracefully out toward her phone. “Please.”

He finished putting his number in, red lingering in his English-pale cheeks, and handed it back.

“Your boyfriend saw that,” Lusica sing-songed, looking over Rey’s head.

“First,” Rey said tartly, “he is not my boyfriend. Second, I can have whatever friends I want. Third, you are an obnoxious busybody.” Rey saw, belatedly, that Lusica’s gaze had risen to a spot well above Rey’s head, and she knew exactly what that meant. She sighed and added, “Hi, Ben.”

Ben stepped around behind her, casting a slight shadow as he passed. “Hey.” Then he pointed at the cooler at Lusica’s feet. “Water?”

Lusica bent to get it, and Ben put his hands in his pockets. His sunglasses were on, hiding his expressive eyes, and Rey glanced nervously up at him.

“How much did I hear?” he asked, his lips quirking.

Rey’s lips curved in response. “Pretty much. Not that I’m ashamed of a single word,” she added quickly.

“You shouldn’t be. Everything you said was true.”

“Oh, come on,” scoffed Lusica as she rose and handed Ben his water. “You’re soulmates. You can’t tell me you don’t want to boff.”

Rey saw Thomas turn beet-red again and take a step back. She grabbed her phone and texted him, _I’m so sorry. You don’t have to stay._

“Stynnix,” Ben said, and his voice had gone low and threatening enough that it sent a not-unpleasant shiver up Rey’s spine. “I’m _this_ close to sending you home.”

Rey caught Jessika’s eye and waved her over. In her periphery, she saw Thomas check his phone and shift further away. When Jessika was in range, Rey begged, “Do something?”

Jessika looked between Lusica and Ben and frowned at the former. “Luce, get back to work. We still have cars.”

“I finished my part. I’m helping Rey now.”

Jessika raised an inquiring brow at Rey, who said, “I am about to throttle her.”

Jessika sighed and muttered, “Aren’t we all.” Then, louder, “Go on, move it. If you’re done washing then get your drying gear ready.” She nudged Lusica back to the cars, and Lusica went.

Rey’s phone _Ta-ding_ ed a new notification.

_It’s okay. Though your friends are quite… spirited._

In a panic, Rey texted, _She is NOT my friend. She’s this annoying drama queen who joined the club because I have a weird soulmate situation._ She heard Ben talking to Jessika about picking up lunch, and something about hydration and sunblock, but she was too engrossed in her texting to pay much attention. _I swear you’ll never run into her if we hang out._

_That’s a relief._

_So do you still want to? Hang out, I mean._

_Sure._

Rey smiled to herself. _My friends and I are planning on going go-kart racing once my feet heal. You could come with?_

_Sure. I don’t know if I’ve ever been in a go-kart._

Rey heard the word “creepy” and tuned back in to the conversation beside her.

Ben nodded. “Tell me or Chewie if it happens again. We’re very good at looming.”

Jessika laughed and went back to the car wash to boss people about.

“What’s going on?” Rey asked him.

“Some of the girls have gotten creepy comments,” he said.

Rey frowned, concerned. “I haven’t gotten any.”

“Because you’re dressed like a twelve-year-old,” he said with a smile. When she started to snark at him, he tilted his head and added, “And you’re in a wheelchair.”

“Oh,” she replied. “Right.” The wheelchair _did_ probably put a lot of the creeps off. Plus, she wasn’t soaked to the skin or wearing anything clingy. Jessika had insisted on a dress code, which had prevented Lusica from wearing a bikini (she had threatened to), but everyone had gotten a say. Most wore swimsuits plus lightweight shorts and t-shirts, and Jessika had advised everyone to bring a towel and change of dry clothes to change into before they went home.

Ben pulled his phone out and checked the time. “I’m heading out to get the pizza.”

“Not having it delivered?”

He raised a brow. “And miss a chance to escape this bedlam?”

“Ah. Of course. You're antisocial.”

“Damn right.” He drank some of his water, and a drop trailed down the skin of his throat.

Rey glanced politely away, but her cheeks heated in a way that had nothing to do with the midday sun.

Ben, of course, didn’t seem to notice her discomfort. “I’ll have to have a talk with Stynnix. I was hoping to avoid it, but goddamn she’s persistent.” He capped his water. “Heading out.”

“Have a good drive.”

“Of course I will, it’s air-conditioned.”

Rey laughed as he headed to back lot. Thomas, she saw, had taken one of the seats in the waiting area nearby. He smiled hesitantly over at her.

“Sorry about all of that,” she said.

Thomas shook his head, perfectly gracious about the whole thing. “Nothing to apologize for.” He glanced at her wheelchair, hesitated, then asked gently, “What happened to your feet?”

Rey considered giving him her usual non-answer, but she found herself confessing, “I was attacked. I got away, but my feet got torn up in the process.”

Thomas' brown eyes were earnest and kind. “I’m so sorry.”

Rey smiled. “Thank you.”

They talked easily for a few minutes more before an older man drove forward in a clean car and called Thomas over.

“That’s my dad,” he said, standing up and pocketing his phone. “It was nice to meet you, Rey.”

She smiled at him. “Same. And I wasn’t kidding about the go-karts.”

“I’ll see you, then,” said Thomas with a sweet smile.

Rey nodded firmly. “You will. And don’t be afraid to ring me.”

He laughed. “Very well. Cheers then.”

“Cheers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Thanisson](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Thanisson) was a petty officer on _Finalizer_ and was played by doe-eyed babyface, [Thomas Brodie-Sangster](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1032473/).


	16. Car Wash, Part 3

Ben used the drive to the pizza place to clear his head. When Rey had exchanged numbers with that boy, some part of his brain saw the kid as a threat and began imagining breaking his skinny body in half.

He still wanted to, just a little, but the rational half of him understood that he was overreacting.

Therapy had given him coping mechanisms when his impulses got unruly, and teaching high school had given him plenty of chances to practice them. He’d been able to put a leash on the urge to hurt the boy after a short inner battle, although he hadn't been able to resist walking over. The impulsive part of him saw it as a way to assert dominance, his id holding sway over his superego before the latter reasserted itself. He'd even been thankful for Lusica's big mouth — for once — when she'd told the boy about the soulmate connection. It had eased Ben's urge to punch something, even if he  _definitely_ needed to have a conversation with her about her increasingly inappropriate behavior. He had let her get away with too much already, stretching his patience thinner than he usually allowed.

The frustration of it all had left him with spare energy to burn off. Normally, he’d go to the gym or his mother’s garage to work out his aggression — his morning workouts had prevented _many_ a student death at his hands. Even if he lost his temper at school and had a few reprimands, meetings with angry parents, and restitution for broken objects, he’d never once laid hands on a student.

That was an achievement.

Ben had always liked exercise, ever since he’d started using the punching bag. It wasn’t just the emotional and mental benefit, although his therapist loved that he’d made it a habit; Ben also enjoyed the quiet of the gym in the early morning and the pleasantly taxed feeling of his muscles afterward.

He always tensed up once he got to work, but until then his mornings were… peaceful.

He hadn’t gone that morning, though, and that had been a mistake. He might not have lost his temper with Rey if he had.

He wasn’t sure how to handle this new “friendship” thing with her, either. It wasn’t professional at all, and it was closer than they _had_ been to the line he didn’t want to cross. They hadn’t crossed it, weren’t even close, but he still felt anxious that they were anywhere in viewing distance of that line.

That line should be on a different fucking continent, as far as he was concerned.

 _So what if Rey traded numbers with a boy?_ It was fine. Ben didn’t own her, and it wasn’t like he was volunteering to step up and fill that role. Soulmate or not, it wouldn’t be fair to ask her to sit on her hands for the next year just so he could be the first one to touch her.

And if that meant Ben had to bite his tongue and watch snot-nosed little pricks dance around for her attention… fine. He’d do it.

Okay, this line of thought wasn’t helping.

Ben parked at the pizza place and took a quick walk around the block, then two more, needing to stretch his legs and work the excess energy out of his system.

It wouldn’t be fine, he decided, but he’d still give her space to make her own decisions.

He briefly toyed with the idea of telling her everything, but the scenarios he came up with weren’t particularly encouraging. Just talking to her about it could pressure her, make her hesitant to try new things, and he wanted her to finish growing up on her own terms. If he said anything, he’d be a factor that could hold her back.

He didn’t think she would reject him. It might be hubris, but he thought she’d be pleased by his hopes for the future, and the thought troubled him. He’d read interviews with women who’d been approached by older men when they were young. They hadn’t realized until years later how creepy it had actually been. They’d been flattered, dazzled, and had adapted themselves to please the older man lavishing attention on them.

And those men hadn’t had the sway Ben did with Rey, as her soulmate. His words, even just vague indications of what he wanted, would absolutely influence her. Profoundly. Even though Rey was smarter than the average teenager, more mature, she was still a teenage girl. She didn’t fit the mold of the _usual_ teenage girl, but that didn't mean she wouldn't romanticize him, especially if he did anything to feed into it.

It was possible that she might even try to pursuehim if he told her everything, which was the worst possible outcome.

If that happened…

Fuck.

He’d have to leave the country.

No, he couldn’t have that conversation with her.

But friendship he could do. Try to do. It was what she wanted — what she _needed_ from him — so he would do it.

She’d been uncomfortably right about the way he ordered her around — it had been easier for him than actually engaging her. He needed to lay off, give her breathing room. He wouldn’t monopolize her or be completely alone with her. He’d encourage her to spend plenty of time with her same-age friends. The bond had taken a lot of her options away from her when it tied them together. She didn't realize how much her world had narrowed in that moment, but one day she would, and he hoped he would acquit himself well in her hindsight.

But the present frightened him. He could manipulate her  _so_ easily, even just by accident.

Ben took a steadying breath, fighting back the memory of claw-like fingers caressing his jaw, and cold scratched down his spine in the midday heat.

He really needed to see his therapist. Soon.

* * *

When Ben returned with a truly obscene amount of pizza, he was immediately relieved of it by Chewbacca, who took the boxes to the sales table and peeked inside each one with Rey. Before Ben could follow, he found himself approached and appraised by a medium-height, medium-build black woman with purple wire-rim glasses and an intense stare.

“I heard you got our girl out of that house,” the woman said. “I wanted to thank you in person.” She stepped forward and held out a hand. “I’m Latrice.”

He shook her hand. “Ben.”

“I know,” she said, stepping back and folding her arms across her chest. “My boy’s told me all about you. Scariest English teacher to ever live.”

If it weren’t for the smile crinkling her eyes, he might have thought she was insulting him. “You’re Finn’s mother, I take it?”

She inclined her head. “I am.” Ben tried not to fidget under that piercing gaze, and eventually she uncrossed her arms and gave him a firm nod. “You’re welcome in my home anytime.”

His brows went up, and he resisted the urge to swallow. He got the impression that this was a courtesy she didn’t extend often. “Yes, ma’am.”

She smiled faintly and offered to help him clear a spot to set out the pizza.

When the club members finished Latrice’s car, they swarmed the food. Jessika reminded them to hydrate before Ben could say anything, and he left the ravenous horde in her capable hands.

“Food’s here,” he told Han, who'd been chatting with some of his mechanics in the garage during their lunch break.

“Chewie know?” he asked gruffly.

Ben pinned a pointed look on his father.

“Stupid question?”

Ben nodded, not that Han needed him to. He pushed himself up and followed Ben out, where he grabbed two pieces of the pepperoni, said hey to the kids, and retreated back into the garage.

Pizza would not have been Ben's first choice — or second, or third — but no one had asked his opinion, and teenagers seemed to default to it as a basic food group.

He took a slice of Hawaiian — having fruit had to give it _some_ nutritional value, right? — and dutifully ate.

It was fine, but it was still the third time he'd had pizza that week, and he was tired of it. He stood and leaned against the building because all the girls had taken the chairs, and he wasn't going to displace them. He wasn't a _complete_  monster.

Though the urge to tip Lusica Stynnix out of hers was notably strong.

He listened absently to the chatter, but his head came up when he caught the thread between Poe and Dopheld.

“You fly?” Ben asked, surprised and pleased.

Poe had to crane his head back to look at Ben from the ground, but it didn't dim his cocky smile. “Getting my license this summer.”

“Who’s your instructor?”

“Antilles?”

“Yeah, he’s good. I like Antilles.”

Chewbacca, sitting on the ground by the sales table, made a noise of agreement and gave a thumbs up, mouth too full to talk.

Poe gaped at Ben. “ _You_ fly?”

Ben raised a brow, amused. “You sound surprised.”

“You just don’t seem like the type.”

Ben shrugged. “All the men in my family fly.”

Rey was looking up at him curiously. They all were, but she was the reason for his slight blush.

“Well, damn, Mr. S,” Poe said cheerfully. “You’re five percent cooler now.”

Ben furrowed his brow, not sure how to respond, but Poe was grinning at him, and everyone seemed vaguely… impressed? What the fuck?

Ben just shrugged again, uncomfortable.

Poe Dameron was an oddity. He’d gained a lot of favor by alerting Ben to Rey’s lunch situation, but then he did things like flirt and make her laugh, which made Ben want to shove the boy’s head through a wall. He’d been okay during the car wash, though. Aside from sending that blonde boy over to trade numbers with her.

“Have you seen the SR-71 Blackbird?” asked Poe, breaking Ben out of his thoughts. “I would _kill_ for that plane.”

Ben smiled. “I almost joined the air force when I saw it.” He was kidding, but only a little. The air force had all the best toys. He _had_ briefly considered it but wasn’t sure he’d pass the psych eval. He also decided that he didn’t want to interrupt the delicate peace he’d built with his parents while it was all so new.

Now, of course, with Rey in the picture, it seemed even less likely.

Poe beamed. “New York to London in less than two hours.”

“The aesthetic on that thing.” Ben shook his head. Sleek and black with red details; it was fucking _gorgeous_.

“Ten out of ten, would bang.”

Ben made a face, very aware that he was the adult in charge. “I’m not sure that’s appropriate.”

“But you agree with me,” Poe insisted with a cheeky grin.

Ben fought a smile back, battering it with words like “teacher” and “professional,” but it slipped out around the corners. “No comment.”

“ _Slishkom broskiy_ ,” muttered Chewbacca.

Ben shot him a mild glare. “It is _not_ too flashy.”

“ _Durachok, ty ne prav_ _._ ”

“You have no room to talk. I saw you fawning over one of those electric planes last month.”

Chewbacca stood, the better to tower menacingly, and shook a finger in Ben’s face. “ _Eto khorosho dlya okruzhayushchey sredy._ ”

Ben fought the urge to smile again and lost the battle.

Chewbacca made a disgusted noise and stalked away, muttering under his breath.

“You know, Chewie was an air ambulance pilot for about twelve years,” Ben said lightly, watching the big man enter the garage.

"I've been wanting to fly a helicopter," Poe admitted. "I hear they're _really_ fun."

“True. But they’re also slow and inefficient.”

Poe smiled. “I've heard that, too. From my mom, actually. She was a fighter pilot.”

"Nice."

Some of the others started asking Poe questions, and Ben left the conversation to the teenagers, quietly withdrawing.

A car arrived for an oil change, and Ben escaped the group with relief. The woman, older than the young parents they’d been drawing in, argued about having to buy her own oil and filter. He suspected that she wanted him to cave so she could get them for free, but he remained impassive and immovable, and eventually she did as asked and took her car information inside to get the correct items. She returned with the cheapest oil in Han’s stock and handed the items to Ben with a glare, as if he’d tricked her with false advertising.

Ben set the items aside and asked the woman to pull her van up onto the ramp blocks, guiding her with small waves until she’d pulled fully up, and held a palm out to stop her. She threw it in park while he put the wheel chocks in place so the van wouldn’t roll back while he was underneath and crush him.

He grabbed a socket wrench and a drip pan before scooting head and shoulders underneath, the gravel digging into his back. He double-checked that he was on the engine plug and not the transmission plug, loosened it with the socket wrench, then twisted it the rest of the way off with rag-wrapped fingers.

The oil burst forth into the drip pan in a smooth, black stream, and Ben pushed himself out from under the vehicle, the gravel making his shirt hike up. He stood and wiped his sweaty face off with the hem — this van had a hotter undercarriage than he’d been dealing with after the soccer games — then turned to his customer, who’d been standing right near him as if she had to monitor him the entire time he was under her stupid van. “If you’ll pop the hood for me?”

He frowned when she jerked her eyes guiltily to his face.

“Yeah! Yeah, sure!” She scurried to pop the hood, then returned to hover at his elbow as he twisted the oil cap off to improve the flow.

“You can pay the five over at that table,” he told her, gesturing with an oil-smudged hand to Rey. The woman left, and Ben heaved a sigh of relief. The next part was just waiting for the oil to finish draining. Twenty or so minutes. Some of their customers through the day had insisted on sticking around to chat, but Han had mostly handled those. Ben had had maybe three people who'd forced him into stilted conversation. He’d answered as best he could, all the while wishing they’d talk to someone else. It had been a particularly arduous brand of torture.

The woman came back, to Ben’s irritation.

“So you’re the teacher in charge of this robot club thing?”

Ben nodded, glancing at the van and willing the oil to drain faster.

The woman laughed, and Ben gave her an incredulous look. He hadn’t said anything, much less done anything, to warrant laughter.

She reached out and touched his sweaty, dirt-smudged arm. “You must be pretty smart, then.”

“They mostly manage themselves,” he muttered, shifting so that it would be harder for her to touch him, but she shifted to follow and he mentally cursed.

Why did he get the touchy-feely ones?

He glanced toward the garage, hoping Han could come take over, but he wasn’t anywhere in sight. Ben caught Rey’s eye — her friends had a new customer as well, so she was alone at her post — and she grimaced in sympathy.

It made him feel a little better.

“What do you teach? Science, I bet.” Another laugh.

Why was this woman standing so close? Craning her neck like that _had_ to be uncomfortable. “English literature.”

His brusque tone didn’t seem to have any impact. He took another step backward.

She stepped forward. “English? How interesting! How’d you get involved with a science club?”

He gritted his teeth and glanced back toward the shop. “I just make sure they don’t set themselves on fire.” Any _sane_ person would take his tone for the conversation end it was meant to be. But this lady wasn’t sane, clearly, because she laughed much harder than the (perfectly factual) statement deserved and put her hand on Ben’s bicep.

And left it there.

Ben took a step back and to the side, going to check the oil even though it hadn’t had time to drain properly. When he stood back up, the woman was right behind him. He startled and hit his head on the still-open car hood.

“Shit! Ow!”

“Oh, are you alright?” And she _put her fucking hands on him again._

Ben pulled away from her concerned grasp and backed toward the garage. “I’m gonna… get some ice.” He gestured toward her van, continuing to back up. “That should take about ten to fifteen more minutes. I’ll send someone out.”

And he turned and marched toward the shop.

Chewbacca, leaning against the wall behind Rey’s table with his arms crossed, was laughing. Ben scowled furiously at him as he passed, headed for the cooler to see if they had any ice left. His head had begun to throb.

“Be nice,” Rey said softly. Chewbacca wiped his watering eyes, and Rey jerked her head toward the oil change station. “Go finish up for him.”

Chewbacca chuckled and said something about Rey protecting her big fool. Ben flipped him off, which only made Chewbacca laugh harder, but he did at least leave to take care of their customer.

“Where did you hit?” Rey asked, gesturing for him to move closer.

Ben knelt by her wheelchair and helped her find the tender spot.

Her gentle fingers brushed it. He hissed, and her touch withdrew.

“You’ll probably have a bump, but it’s not bleeding,” she said, and he leaned back. "You were looking for ice?"

He nodded, tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth with embarrassment.

“You should see if Han has something to put it in, like a towel or a baggie.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that.” He rose and fetched one of the shop’s recently-washed rags. He gathered ice from the cooler into it, gave it a twist, and pressed it gingerly against his wound.

“Poor thing,” Rey said with a pitying smile as he sat by the cooler, facing the shop.

“I don’t know what that lady’s deal was,” he muttered. He would have thought she was afraid he’d steal her car, but she’d switched from suspicious to friendly with no explanation like a goddamn crazy person. It had been after she'd gone to pay, so maybe Rey had said something? Maybe she just  _really_ liked teachers.

He glanced up and saw Rey giving him an odd look.

“What?”

Her cheeks turned pink, and she shook her head. He didn’t press the issue.

“Speaking of pain,” he muttered, digging in one of his pockets and pulling her pain medication out to rattle at her. “Next dose is at one.”

She reached to take it with a smile, her nose wrinkling adorably. “Thank you. I completely forgot I’d need them while we were still here.” She shifted her hips to slip the prescription bottle into one of her pockets. His pockets were roomier, and it would have been easier for him to keep the bottle until she needed it, but he chose not to say anything. If she wanted to be in charge of her meds, he wouldn’t treat her like a kid about it.

When the club members finished their work and drifted over to nibble at the remains of the pizza, Chewbacca returned to inform them with a grin that the woman had asked if Ben was single.

“What?!” Ben spluttered, his voice going a shade higher than normal.

He drew eyes, conversations stalling, and Chewbacca roared with laughter. Ben was about to tell him to go fuck himself when his uncle finally calmed down enough to say that the woman had understood when he’d told her no.

Ben flushed. In Russian, because he really didn’t want anyone else privy to this conversation, he said, “I technically am. But thank you.”

“ _Ty nedostupen,_ ” Chewie replied, waving a hand. “ _Eto to zhe samoye._ ”

Ben did not argue about being "unavailable," and he knew his uncle noticed.

When Han _finally_ exited the shop, he looked at Ben pressing ice to his head and asked what happened.

It was Chewbacca, _of course_ , who told him.

Han burst into laughter, and Ben glowered at him. “You… you hit your head… because a woman was _coming on to you_?!” Han slapped his knee and hooted. “That’s gold!”

“I didn’t know she was… doing that,” Ben grumbled. “She just kept invading my personal space.”

This was the wrong thing to say, because Han only laughed harder, some of the students joining him.

“It was awful,” Ben protested.

Han started turning colors, he was laughing so hard, and this spurred Chewbacca to describe the scene in increasing detail. Ben scowled at the gravel.

“You really didn’t know that lady was flirting with you?” Poe asked, smiling.

“That’s so cute,” said Lusica. But he could see the others, the ones who were supposed to be sensible, grinning. Rose actually _giggled_  behind her hand, and Rey, the traitor, snorted.

Ben sighed, annoyed at the entire conversation. “It’s not something that happens to me a lot,” he grumbled with a shrug.

Which, for some reason, made his dad laugh _even harder_.

“You’re going to have a heart attack if you don’t calm down,” Ben told him.

When Han could speak again, he pointed at Ben and said, “All those women hovering around you today. You didn't notice?”

Ben turned bright red despite the melting ice dripping down the back of his neck. Thinking back, it hadn't been that many — Han was exaggerating, like he _always_ did, so Ben kept his voice perfectly even. Calm. Rational. Like a goddamn _adult_. “A few customers had questions. So?”

Han rubbed a hand over his grinning face, and Ben thought his dad would have laughed again if he’d had the air. Instead, he shook his head and asked, “How are you my son?”

Ben fixed his dad with a deadpan look and said, “Well, when you and mom were _much_ younger, you went for a drive in The Falcon…”

Han chuckled. “Okay, okay, kid. I get it.”

“Good, because I really didn’t want to finish that sentence.” Ben adjusted his ice.

Han just grinned, completely unaffected. The old man had no shame.

Any time Ben had insulted The Falcon in his youth, his parents would defend it by telling him he wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for that van. He’d learned to keep his opinion to himself, but only after the damage had been done. Ben knew (and desperately wished he could forget) that he’d been conceived there to a mixtape his father had made for his mother.

It had _completely_ ruined his ability to enjoy Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell.”

Rey shifted. Ben didn’t have a good angle on her unless he tilted his head back, but he kept it forward so he could hold the ice in place without his arm getting tired. He let his other senses track her instead.

“Poe, why don’t you tell Mr. Solo — ah, the _elder_ Mr. Solo — about your flying lessons?”

And Ben could have _kissed_ her, because it was the perfect thing to say. If there was anything Han loved as much as his crappy old van, it was flying. And when he couldn't _be_ flying, talking about it was the next best thing.

For the next few hours, between car washes and oil changes and inquiries into Poe’s flight experience, the old man kept Ben’s students enthralled with tales of daring adventure and aerial acrobatics. Ben knew the stories were mostly embellishments. His father was an excellent pilot, but he'd never met a story he couldn't improve on.

Ben got pulled into more oil changes once his head stopped throbbing. Customers preferred talking to someone who spoke English, and Han was wrapped up in his storytelling. It helped Ben's mood that he had more male customers after the afternoon soccer game, and no one else hit on him. That he noticed, anyway.

One or two of Ben's customers lingered by the baked goods and eyed the girls washing cars, but the club had worked out a simple signal — someone would yell for them to change the radio station, and Ben or Chewbacca would make the offender uncomfortable until they behaved. Since Ben kept busy, it was usually Chewbacca on creep duty, which was both good and bad for the creeps. Chewbacca was less likely to punch them but was overall more intimidating.

A few of the customers asked Ben if he worked at the auto shop, and Ben politely corrected them. He definitely _looked_ like a mechanic, sweaty and smudged with dirt and oil, so he didn't mind the question. He referred them to Han if they wanted to know more about the shop itself.

Ben found himself thinking about the shower he was going to take later, relaxing as he loosened another oil drain plug and twisted it off.

When he scooted out from under the truck, he glanced toward Rey’s table and saw her talking to a medium-height man with a greying beard and longish hair combed neatly to the side. The man said something that made Rey laugh, and Ben tightened his grip on the socket wrench and shoved to his feet with a snarl.

“Mother _fucker_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t speak Russian, so if you see something incorrect, please tell me and I’ll fix it.
> 
>  **Translations**  
>  _Slishkom broskiy._ // Too flashy.  
>  _Durachok, ty ne prav._ // Fool/dummy, you are wrong.  
>  _Eto khorosho dlya okruzhayushchey sredy._ // It’s good for the environment.  
>  _Ty nedostupen. Eto to zhe samoye._ // You are unavailable. It is the same thing.


	17. Car Wash, Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked to add trigger warnings for Ben's backstory.
> 
> Kidnapping.  
> Attempted assault.  
> Psychological trauma.  
> Just really fucking dark.

Rey saw Ben coming like a freight train toward the table, his eyes fixed on the man she was talking to.

Han materialized, pulling the grey-bearded man behind him at the far end, and Chewbacca planted himself in front of Ben, stopping him short of the table. Rey’s heart picked up at the fury rolling visibly off of her soulmate.

“Leave,” he growled at the grey-bearded man. “Get the fuck out _right now_.”

The other man winced. “I just thought—”

“I don’t care what you thought!” Ben shouted. Others turned to stare, and Rey felt her face flare hot. “Get the _fuck_ out of here!”

Han took a careful step toward his son, hand out like he was dealing with a dangerous animal. The only sound was the radio as it blared some cheery pop song. “Go take a walk, kid. Cool off.”

“I’ll leave when he does.”

“Ben,” said Han softly. “You're scaring the kids.”

That seemed to break through to him, because he tossed a glance at the wide-eyed club members standing and watching with sponges in their hands, water dripping unheeded onto their feet. Kaydel gripped the hose in both hands as if it could provide comfort. He glanced at Rey and jerked his gaze away as if burnt.

Ben's jaw set stubbornly as he raised his eyes back to his dad's. “I'm not leaving him here. He's not talking to my students.” Ben took another few steps, and Chewbacca had to give way. They were right in front of the table now, Ben's glare on the man standing quietly behind Han, and it hit Rey in a rush that Ben had positioned himself defensively right in front of _her_. He even had a few fingers resting on the table as if he wanted to sweep his arm across and hide her behind him.

Rey's heart hammered. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but she thought she could read him well by now. He'd focused completely on the threat, his entire body squared at the stranger, but he kept his closest shoulder back in a way that included her.

Han nodded, hand still extended. “I'll take Luke into the shop to wait for his car. No worries. But you need to walk away, Ben.”

Ben didn't move, though the tension in his body ratcheted down. Rey realized he was gripping a socket wrench as if he wanted to bash someone in the head with it.

“Please don't start anything,” Han begged quietly. “It would kill your mother.”

Ben's grip on the wrench loosened a fraction, and his stance shifted from threatening to merely aggressive. “He goes inside, I stay out here, and he leaves as soon as his car is done.”

“Deal,” said Han. He ushered the stranger into the garage, and Chewbacca hesitated before taking a step back from Ben.

Ben nodded, and Chewbacca followed the other two men inside.

“Come sit,” said Rey. She indicated a spot on the ground beside her which would put her wheelchair between Ben and the garage. “Let me see your head. Does it still hurt?”

He sat, glaring belligerently at the garage until her wheelchair blocked it from sight, and let her card through his hair until she found the welt. “Not bad,” she said cheerfully. “It already looks much better.” Ben had nice hair, even messy and stiff with dried sweat. Rey gathered a few locks and started playing with it.

Ben ducked away from her hands and looked incredulously up at her. “Are you _braiding_ my hair?”

Rey grinned, and he huffed at her.

“Tell me what you're reading today,” she said, angling her body toward him.

He rolled his eyes, but he wasn't radiating tension anymore. He certainly wasn't _relaxed_ , but he wasn't on the verge of violence. “I know what you're doing,” he muttered as he pulled the book out of his pocket and handed it to her.

“More _Game of Thrones_ ,” she noted, turning it over in her hands and brushing one finger over the bookmark where it poked out at the top.

Ben winced. “I'm not sure if you're serious or if you're messing with me.”

Rey blinked down at him, and he held his hand out for the book. Rey set it in his palm. “The series is called _A Song of Ice and Fire_. This book is _A Feast for Crows_. ‘Game of Thrones’ is the HBO series.”

“Oh,” said Rey. “I thought there was a book.”

“The first book in the series, yeah, but that’s not what you call the series itself.”

Rey nodded, frowning. “Okay.” She watched him put the book back into his pocket. “So you’re into fantasy stories?”

“I am into stories where people get killed in violent and horrifying ways.”

Rey found herself smiling. “Says the English Lit teacher.”

“Have you read _any_ Shakespeare?” he countered. “Or are you only aware of the comedies that have been pandered to today’s youth in sanitized movie form?”

Rey smacked his shoulder with the back of her hand. “What did we say about patronizing?”

He sighed, and Rey was pleased to see his shoulders relax more as he settled into the argument. “I wasn't patronizing _you_ , just… modern culture and its disastrous effect on society’s ability to appreciate _real_ writing.”

“And what should we be reading? _Game of Ice and Fire_ , or whatever that is?”

He pointed a warning finger at her. “Careful. You’re dangerously close to sacrilege.”

She smiled, undeterred. “Nerd.”

“Mary Shelley’s _Frankenstein_. Anything by Edgar Allan Poe. _Of Mice and Men_? Fucking _dark_. Even _Oliver Twist_ has a scene where a girl is beaten to death. Classic literature has a long and grisly history. People today like to pretend that they invented blood and sex and death, but that shit has been around for as long as humans have been telling stories.” He met her eyes, and the intensity there caught her and sucked her in. “Read ‘Titus Andronicus’ and tell me Shakespeare is only good for the miserable fluff people have been making of ‘Romeo and Juliet’ — which, by the way, is a _tragedy_ , not a romance. _That_ story has been whitewashed into some twisted ideal of epic love when it’s just a story about two dumb kids who wind up dead. Which wouldn’t have happened," he added, voice rising in agitation, "if Romeo had gone, ‘Oh, hey, this girl is thirteen so maybe I should walk _the fuck_ away.’”

Rey was tempted to smile but hid it. His argument had all the well-worn irritation of a long-held opinion. “Juliet was thirteen?”

“Yes. And Romeo was eighteen or nineteen, no one is quite sure.” He tilted his head, his rant having stirred up a different sort of energy, something healthier than his earlier rage. “Culture and time period muddy the ethics, obviously, but it’s still creepy as fuck.”

“That’s… yeah.” Rey gave an uncomfortable laugh and grimaced. “Adds a whole new layer to the movies.”

He gestured emphatically as if she'd proven his point. “Precisely.”

Someone cleared their throat, and Rey looked up at a middle-aged man with his hands stuck awkwardly in his pockets. “Um, my oil is done draining,” he said, pointing back toward his truck with his thumb.

Rey put a hand on Ben’s shoulder — which was warm and muscled under her hand, and she had to resist the urge to rub her palm across it — when he started to rise. She offered the customer a sunny smile. “As soon as someone is available. In the meantime, I’m authorized to offer you a free baked good of your choice for the inconvenience.” She swept an arm over the slim pickings they’d been left with, and the man started perusing the wares. He picked a muffin and sat in one of the chairs nearby.

Ben raised a brow at her. “Who exactly authorized you to give away food?”

“I did,” she replied. “Now turn so I can braid your hair.”

He glowered but did as asked, letting Rey braid and unbraid the dirty strands. The repetition soothed them both.

“I really liked _Hatchet_ when my teacher recommended it,” she said. “And _Maniac Magee_. They were survivors.”

He nodded, which messed up her work, and his voice was a rumble in his chest. “I can see why that would appeal.”

Rey smiled. She thought about books she’d read that might appeal to him, too. “Did you like _The Hunger Games_? Lots of brutal murder in those.”

He shrugged. “They were okay. Focused too much on the relationship with whatshisface.”

“Peeta? You do know that that was a sham, right? Katniss didn’t _need_ a man.”

“Still too romantic,” he muttered. “Now, if you want to read about a bunch of kids stuck in an emotionally and physically violent hellscape, you should try _Lord of the Flies_.”

“Mm, ‘hellscape.’ Tell me more.”

She could practically _feel_ him roll his eyes. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Rey.”

She ignored the thrill that ran down her spine at the sound of her name on his lips and undid her most recent braid, ruffling his hair before gathering it back into her hands. They were companionably quiet for a while.

“Have you read _Ender’s Game_?” he asked.

“I have not. What’s it about?”

He turned his head to grin up at her, and Rey felt her cheeks heat. “Trust me.” He turned back around, smug satisfaction radiating off him. “I’ll lend you my copy.” He shook his head, ruining her work yet again.

“Hold still.”

“Sorry.” He sat straighter and did as asked. “I’m actually jealous that you get to read it for the first time. It’s one of those books _everyone_ likes, no matter what your favorite genre is; it’s just thatgood.”

“Okay,” she said. “So long as you promise it’s not some kind of ‘hellscape.’ Really, what the hell, Ben?”

He shrugged those big shoulders. “Different people like different things.”

Rey hummed and finished the braid, admiring her work before pulling it apart. “I like _hopeful_ stories.”

“Most people do,” he replied, but it didn’t sound like a criticism.

“Hope is important,” she said softly.

He made a noncommittal, “Mm.”

When gravel crunched behind Rey and a car started over at the washing station, she loosened the braid she was working on and let Ben’s hair fall back into the mess it had been before she started.

“Okay,” said Han. “He’s gone.”

Rey glanced over at their customer. “That oil change that needs finishing.” She expected Ben to hop up right away. He didn’t. He continued to sit beside her and watch as the grey-bearded man pulled out and drove off.

“Han can do it,” he said.

“I don’t see why—” Han began, but Ben speared him with a look over his shoulder.

Rey had been wrong. Ben was _not_ relaxed. His jaw shifted, and storm clouds roiled in his eyes.

“Please,” she said to Han, worried that they’d get into another fight.

Han grumbled. “Okay, I’ll get Chewie to do it.”

Chewie ambled past a minute later, and Rey watched Han walk over to speak to Jessika. They both tossed glances Ben’s way, and then Jessika nodded and started toward the table.

“Hey, guys,” she said casually when she arrived. “Things are slow, and it’s almost time to quit anyway, so we’re going to call it a day. Rey, if you could pack up the leftovers in some of those boxes, that would help. Mr. Solo, if you could get the table folded up and empty the cooler?”

Ben stood. “Of course.”

“Great, thanks!” Jessika's forced cheer slipped for a moment, revealing the worry behind her smile before she turned to hand out orders to the rest of the club.

Ben helped Rey clean up and finished his part quickly, dumping the ice on the ground and putting the unopened waters in the shop fridge for the mechanics.

“Riding back with you or Han?” she asked, glancing over to where Han and Chewie were taking down the oil change sign and finishing up with their final customer.

“With me. Han is going to stay to make sure everything gets cleaned up. This place might look like crap, but he’s actually pretty particular about it not being covered in trash.”

“Beautiful on the inside?”

“Something like that.”

Rey rolled toward the back lot, Ben easily keeping pace with her. When they reached his car, he unlocked it and gathered her into his arms to lift her in. He smelled strongly of oil, sunblock, and sweat. It wasn’t the best combination, but it wasn’t the worst, either. Sunblock always reminded her of summer, but the oil stung her nose and the sweat had started to lean a little too far toward pungent.

As Ben put her wheelchair in the back, she heard Finn call, “Rey!” A moment later, her door opened from the outside, and Finn leaned in to give her a big hug. “You weren’t leaving without saying goodbye, were you?”

She hugged him back and smiled when he pulled away. “Sorry. I was trying to get Mr. Grumpy out of the way.”

Finn jumped as the back door slammed and lowered his voice, eyes darting toward Ben, who was walking to his side. “Yeah… that was… intense.”

Rey inclined her head. “I will see you, um. What day is it? I will see you Monday.”

“Deal,” Finn agreed, stepping back and closing her door. He waved and left.

Ben climbed in, turned on the air-conditioning, and closed his eyes.

Rey looked at him, noting the lingering strain in the set of his mouth and jaw. She wondered if he was still angry.

When he spoke, it startled her. “My name is _not_ Mr. Grumpy,” he murmured, slitting his eyes open as one corner of his mouth deepened. Not quite a smile, but better than she'd expected.

Rey bit her lip. “Who was that man?”

He took a deep breath and put his hands on the steering wheel. “My uncle. Luke.”

A light bulb went off in Rey’s brain. “The one you talked about at dinner. With your parents.”

He nodded. “The same.”

Rey didn’t know what to say. Luke had seemed like a perfectly nice man, but she knew that didn’t mean anything.

Not all villains looked like Plutt.

She debated asking. A day ago, she might have kept her mouth shut, but… they were supposed to be friends now. She bit back the trepidation and spoke. "What happened between you two?"

Ben blew a breath out and put the car in reverse, turning to look over his shoulder before easing out of the spot. When they rounded the front of the shop, the entire club waved goodbye, so Rey waved back at them, but then they were on the road where his silence felt heavier and heavier.

“It’s a long story,” he finally said.

Rey thought about that. “Your parents won’t mind if we’re late.”

Something about that made him smile just the slightest bit. “Yeah. Okay.” He sighed.

Rey waited for him to begin, but it took a while. He took a few breaths as if about to start, then let them back out. She tried not to be impatient, just folded her hands in her lap and watched as they passed buildings and trees and people out walking their dogs.

“My mom mentioned that I almost went to juvie. You remember that?”

Rey looked at him and nodded. “Yes.”

He nodded back, and his gaze on the road went distant with memories. “I was a sophomore in high school, and I hospitalized another kid. His parents pressed charges, and my mom made it go away. I don’t know how. I never asked. But she didn’t know how to handle me anymore, and Uncle Luke had started this ‘Camp for Troubled Youths.’” Ben snorted derisively. “She sent me more as a last ditch effort, thinking if anyone could straighten me out…” He shrugged. “Luke meant well, but he was in over his head. Most of the other kids there were rich brats like me whose parents had tried everything else. None of us liked each other, but we were forced to interact. It… could have been worse, honestly.”

He stopped at a red light and turned on his left blinker. The _tick-tick_ filled the car.

It wasn’t until they started driving again that he swallowed and continued, his voice strained. “There was this old man. He lived in a town nearby, on the outskirts close to the camp. It was a hike to get to his place, but he listened, and he understood. He let me vent, and he agreed with me. He promised to keep our visits secret so I wouldn’t get in trouble. He even gave me beer sometimes, treated me like an equal.”

Ben breathed more quickly now, his hands tightening on the wheel. “I was a fucking idiot.” He downshifted aggressively and bit out the words as if he could take his anger out on the air. “He was grooming me. Like child molesters do.”

Rey went cold, then hot. “Ben,” she breathed.

He shook his head. “I’ve gone through a lot of therapy about it. And he never… well, he never got to the actual molestation part.” He pulled into a parking lot and parked in front of a small apartment building. “I’ll be right back. Need to grab some clothes.”

“Okay.” She waited and let his words drift back through her, painting a picture in her mind of Ben as an angry boy. She imagined him in a forest, trudging away from his uncle’s attempts to help him and into the home of a monster, thinking that monster was his friend.

She shuddered and played with the radio to distract herself until he came back.

“Okay,” he said after he’d tossed a small black duffel into the back and buckled back in. “So. Snoke.” He pulled out of the parking lot and back onto the road. “Tall fucker. Very old and very ugly.” At a red light, he tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “I had an argument with my uncle. Not the first fight we’d had, but he’d pressed a lot of buttons so I decided to run away like the emo little fuck I was. I packed a bag, told one or two people I was never coming back, and went to Snoke’s to vent before I hit the road. And also to maybe ask him for a sandwich.” He shrugged when she looked at him. “I was fifteen. Not super bright.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Rey said. She couldn't imagine he'd _ever_ been unintelligent. Socially stupid, maybe, but still brilliant and opinionated.

He only shrugged again, expression serious. “He offered to let me spend the night. Fed me. Then he suggested I try this medication of his. Promised it would help me forget. Help me relax and sleep.”

Rey felt dread uncurl in her stomach.

“I shouldn’t have taken it. I was a big kid, I could have… I could have run. But I took it because I wanted to forget that I was my family’s biggest disappointment. Just… just for a little while.” He shifted to a higher gear and rubbed at his mouth, his lips trembling the slightest bit. When he spoke again, his voice had gone soft, and his words made the bottom drop out of Rey’s stomach. “He chained me in his basement. One ankle, with enough slack to let me move around a little. I think he’d been planning to keep me sedated — there were signs that other kids had been down there, and I don’t like to think about what must have happened to them — but the fucker _died_ on his way back up the stairs. Doctors said later it was probably a heart attack. He was old as hell, and I was probably bigger than the other kids he'd hauled down there.”

He took a steadying breath and turned onto the road Rey knew would take them to his parents’ street. “I was down there twenty days before the neighbors noticed the smell. There was a sink in the laundry area, and I could get to it for water, which is honestly what kept me alive that long.

“When the police came, they knocked on the door, and I yelled for help.” His voice dropped to a whisper as he confessed, “I screamed for help.” He licked his lips, and Rey felt tears on her face. She didn’t bother to wipe them away.

“At camp,” he continued, his voice stronger, “there were maybe one or two people who knew I visited Snoke. But my uncle didn’t question them. He didn’t do anything. He was done with my shit — fed up, you know? He called the cops and reported me as a runaway, but cops don’t really look for runaways. Especially not if you’ve run away in the past.” He took a breath and let it shakily out. “It took years of therapy to stop blaming him for not finding me. I realize that even if he’d asked all the right questions to all the right people, the kids at that camp probably wouldn’t have told him anything. 'Troubled youths' aren't the most forthcoming lot.” He licked his lips again and got into the right-hand lane.

“I don’t blame him for not saving me. It took years of intensive therapy to get there, but I know it was not his fault. And it wasn't mine. It was Snoke's. What I can’t forgive Luke for is that he didn’t even try. He gave up on me, his _family_ , his _blood_ , and treated me like any random asshole at that camp.” He slowed and made the turn onto his parents' street, the right blinker cutting off with a final _tick_ as he straightened the wheel. “He felt awful afterward, of course. Once he found out what had happened, where I'd been. He’s been trying to apologize for years. I just… I can’t. I can’t even look at him. I know it’s not rational, and it’s probably not fair, but I can’t hear his name without it all coming back. I disappeared, and my own uncle couldn’t be bothered to care.”

He pulled up in front of his mother’s house and parked, staring at the steering wheel in silence.

Rey finally spoke, her voice clogged with tears. “Can I hug you? Because I really need a hug right now, and if you need one too that would be perfect.”

He blinked at her, startled, and gave a soft laugh. “Yeah. Okay.”

Rey unbuckled and let him lean gingerly across the gear shift so she could wrap her arms around his neck and he could wrap his around her back. They embraced, and Ben dropped his forehead to her shoulder, breathing deeply and steadily. Finally, he drew back, and Rey pretended not to notice that his eyes were damp.

“Okay,” he said in a normal tone, breaking the heavy atmosphere he’d created. “So, that’s why I flip out when I see my uncle.”

“If you’re going to have a reason,” she said lightly, “that is a _very_ good one.”

“Yeah, I think so,” he replied, opening his door. “My parents don’t.”

She waited for him to bring her chair around and lift her out of her seat, his duffel bag slung over his shoulder.

“They don’t understand,” she said softly when her lips were by his ear. “But they try.”

He settled her in her wheelchair and looked down at her with an odd expression. “Yeah,” he said finally. “Yeah, I know.”


	18. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The responses to this fic have blown me away. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I'm having a blast writing it, and I hope it continues to entertain. :)

Ben needed an hour with the punching bag, but he had to settle for a shower. Telling the story of Snoke had left him raw and hollowed out, and seeing Luke had put him on edge. He felt out of control and only a step from violence, holding onto himself with an iron grip.

When Ben had seen Luke talking to Rey, he’d lost his mind. His only thought was to get that man away from her. Luke didn’t have any fucking right to show up and approach her like that.

He acknowledged, bending under the shower spray and scrubbing the grit out of his hair, that his reaction wasn't entirely rational. The best he could argue was that his reactions to Luke were _always_ extreme, always disproportionate.

He just… he didn’t want Luke touching any aspect of his life or any of the people in it.

Especially Rey.

Her response to the situation had been wholly unexpected. She hadn’t pried, instead seeking to distract him and keep him calm, which had been exactly what he’d needed.

He probably shouldn’t have let her play with his hair — that was a level of intimacy above what he’d decided was appropriate — but he hadn’t been in any state to deny her. Her touch had kept him grounded, figuratively and literally. He might otherwise have rolled to his feet and stalked into the shop to continue yelling at his uncle and maybe punch something.

The spray stung his back. He should have used a piece of cardboard or something to protect his skin from the gravel, but he hadn’t thought of it. He’d looked at it in the mirror when he took his shirt off, and there were a few scrapes that had bled. They hurt when he soaped them, but he welcomed the pain. Anything to keep him from dwelling on the shadows in his psyche.

He let the hot water run over his limbs. It tried its best to swirl his tension away down the drain, but he was just too worked up. He knew he’d be argumentative and jittery through dinner if he didn’t do something to burn off the violent energy seeing his uncle had left in him.

There was a way. The moment it occurred to him, his traitorous body agreed. Enthusiastically. Ben huffed and scowled, both of his hands against the shower wall as he let the water run over his head. He’d touched himself less since the bond, fully aware of who would encroach on his fantasies. The first and last line of defense was his mind. Imagining her that way (aside from making him a disgusting pervert) would weaken his resolve, and he needed every fortification in place for as long as he could maintain them.

But his body didn’t want to be talked down, so Ben sighed and stepped out of the shower, dripping water everywhere as he dug in his discarded cargo shorts for his phone. He adjusted the shower head downward before he stepped back in, turning his back to the spray as he turned his phone’s volume off and brought up a porn site, heart thudding.

This was how he’d kept his thoughts… away. Watching actors perform as he allowed his body to operate on instinct, leaving his own imagination out of the process. He didn’t dwell too much on the fact that he preferred athletic brunettes now, even as he selected a video with a twenty-something lying on her back with her legs spread and a hand between them. A change in taste was something he could accept without guilt because the actresses he watched were consenting adults. His body, of course, didn’t care _what_ he looked at so long as it got the release it craved.

And if sometimes a flash of hazel eyes interfered with his climax, when his defenses were lowest… he chose to forgive himself.

* * *

Ben joined his mother and Rey in the kitchen with only the slightest traces of guilt for defiling his childhood shower. It wasn’t the first time he’d done so — teenage Ben had put that shower through its paces almost daily — but having to face others with the feel of himself still on his palm never failed to make him self-conscious.

Still, he felt a thousand times more relaxed. He could almost go and take a nap, except that his stomach rumbled at the scent of _real_ food after that stupid pizza, and he felt unworried about being close to Rey just then.

He took a seat at the breakfast table, the one they used when it was just the four of them, and practically melted into it, stretching his legs out as his mother brought silverware over, the takeout boxes from Wicket’s lined up on the island counter.

“Ben, grab some plates, would you?” she said.

He grumbled, mostly because he didn’t want to move, but did as asked.

His mother patted his arm as he passed. “Tired, sweetheart?”

“Glad to be clean,” he admitted, stealing a pinch of beef from one of the gyros and licking his fingers with a laugh when his mother scolded him. “I scratched up my back, though. Should have put something down before I crawled under those cars.”

His mother frowned. “Let me see.”

He obligingly hiked up the back of his shirt. She gasped.

“Oh, Ben, what did you _do_?”

He flushed and tugged his shirt back down when Rey started to roll around the island toward them, her brows pinched together with concern. She hadn’t changed clothes, so he supposed she hadn’t bathed yet. He wondered how long she’d been alone, waiting for his mom to get back with the food. “It looks worse than it is,” he assured them both.

“We are putting something on those scratches before you go home tonight, you hear me?”

He rolled his eyes and grabbed plates from the cupboard. “Yeah, okay.”

His mother watched him set the plates by the food, a pensive frown on her face. He rounded the table to his chair but froze when she said, “I’m sorry about Luke.”

* * *

Rey looked at Ben, who immediately tensed and examined his mother. His lips twitched, shifted, and pressed briefly together, an emotional tell she had begun to pick up on. He’d done it several times as he’d told her about Snoke.

“Did you tell him to show up?” he asked, voice low but not accusing. He was less agitated than he’d been earlier — clearly annoyed, but not about to blow up — and Rey was thankful that he’d gotten a chance to shower and change. It had clearly done him a world of good.

“No,” Leia said. “No. I… I told him about the fundraiser, and the work you've been doing with the club…” Leia glanced nervously at Ben, but he shook his head.

“I know you talk to him, Mom,” he said gently.

Leia closed her eyes, giving him a strained nod. “I didn’t expect him to drop in. I certainly didn’t suggest it. I guess he just… I mean, I know he wanted to meet Rey…”

“That’s not okay,” Ben said quickly. “I’m not okay with that. He can’t…” His throat bobbed, as if the words had gotten stuck there, and he bit out, “He can’t use her to get to me. I won’t allow it.”

Rey felt a thrill run down her spine even as she thought there might be something in his words or attitude she ought to object to. She couldn’t quite pinpoint _what_ , though, because her heart and… and _other_ places… were busy fluttering to the hard tone of his voice. She fixed her eyes on the floor, trying to be inconspicuous so that neither of them would notice how much she really _really_ liked when Ben talked about her like that. As if… as if his uncle _could_ get to him using her. As if it made Ben angry and protective.

He was her soulmate, but he hadn’t shown much interest, and, well… a girl could dream.

“I know,” Leia said.

But Ben was still indignant. “He can't just show up places, especially when I'm _working_. That's not okay.”

Leia placed both hands on the back of the chair in front of her. “I know. Sweetheart, I _know_. I've already talked to him. He won't do it again.”

His jaw shifted, and his lips compressed. “Okay.”

Leia held her tongue for a moment. Rey could see her fighting with herself and saw the moment she lost the battle, her shoulders squaring and her deep brown eyes fixing on her son. “You can't hold a grudge forever, Ben.”

“Mom.”

“Just _talk_ to him. It kills me that the two of you—”

Ben slammed his hand down on the table, making both women jump. A tremor ran through him, but he managed to keep his fury contained to one word. “ _Stop._ ”

Leia left the room, but not before Rey saw that she had tears in her eyes.

Ben slumped into his chair when his mother left, covering his face with his hands.

Rey wheeled over and put her hand out, palm up. Ben saw it, hesitated, then placed his own hand over hers, wrapping his long fingers around it as he got himself back under control. When his breathing evened out, he squeezed her hand and withdrew his own.

“Sorry,” he said.

Rey shrugged. The silence between them wasn't tense, but it wasn't comfortable either. Rey wished she knew what to say.

“You know, they're twins?”

Rey looked at him, but his focus was elsewhere.

“My mom and Luke.” He paused, the words coming slowly. “Sometimes I think my mom got all the fight when they were born. Luke was always more of a peacekeeper.”

“Yin and yang?” Rey asked.

Ben snorted. “Yeah, pretty much. Not that Uncle Luke can’t get mad, but he never had mom's temper. He was always the one refereeing. When my parents fought, or when I fought with one of them — or both of them — he always had to butt in and try to calm everyone down.” He glanced past Rey, toward the kitchen door, as if to make sure they were still alone. “He always wanted to _help_. It was annoying.”

Rey looked out the window behind him at the well-trimmed grass and the flowering bushes lining the fence. The late afternoon light cast longer shadows as the sun got lower in the sky. “When I think about my parents coming back, it’s always this perfect scenario. They always have a reason for giving me up: to protect me, or I was stolen, and they’ve been looking for me all this time —” She glanced at him, and the gentle, patient focus he leveled on her made her want to cry. “Sometimes I think… even if they weren't to blame, even if I had the fairytale ending I’ve always dreamed of, it would still be hard for me to deal with the fact that they didn't find me sooner.” She swallowed, and she saw understanding in his gaze. “But I know I'd still _want_ to forgive them. Even if it would be really hard. And I think… and I could be completely wrong, but I think you maybe want to forgive your uncle and maybe… maybe you just don't know how.”

A small line formed between his brows, and Rey was terrified that she'd overstepped. He didn't seem angry, but this was delicate territory. He might not appreciate her weighing in.

Finally, he said, “Maybe.”

He didn't say anything else about it, and neither did Rey, too relieved to have gotten away unscathed.

* * *

When Han arrived home, they all sat down to eat in the kitchen. The Solos were rich enough to have a breakfast nook, which was strange to Rey. Plutt hadn't even had a proper table. He'd just eaten on his couch in front of the TV.

The breakfast table was nice. High-quality, with sleek salt and pepper shakers in the middle and placemats. Rey had never eaten anywhere with a real placemat — something cloth and expensive-looking rather than flimsy paper or durable plastic.

Rey made a valiant but futile attempt not to tear into her food like a starving animal, trying to emulate Leia’s good manners. Han didn’t even bother, and Ben… was somewhere in between.

But he was their kid. He could probably get away with mashing his entire face in his food if he wanted to.

Leia asked questions about their day, and Rey told her about the bubble war and the little kids who’d bought their cookies and some of her more interesting customers, including Thomas.

“Ben got hit on,” Han said when Rey paused to eat.

Rey almost choked, and Ben starting coughing so hard that he had to cover his mouth with his napkin. He glared at his dad over it.

Han only grinned back at him. “Kid didn’t even realize it.”

Ben flushed, his jaw ticcing. “Can we please _not_?”

“I’d say I’m shocked,” Han confided to Rey, “but he’s never been any good with girls.”

“ _Will you stop?!_ ” Ben hissed, face red, but Han ignored him.

“Never brought anyone home, never had a girlfriend.” Han shrugged.

Ben snapped, “Why can’t you just be a normal human being?” and Han’s temper flared right back. They began to argue, but Rey tuned it out as she considered what Han had revealed.

Ben had never had a girlfriend. Did that mean he’d never _been_ with anyone? It was possible, though unlikely. He was old enough to have at least fooled around, and the thought made Rey want to go back in time and punch someone.

As Leia joined the argument, trying to put a stop to it, something more troubling occurred to Rey. An idea that made so much sense, she couldn’t shake it.

It was this idea which made her follow Ben to his old room after he finished eating and Leia had had a chance to treat his scrapes.

Rey had snooped in his bedroom already, of course she had. It was one of the first things she’d done after moving in. Leia had caught her, but she’d only smiled and told Rey that Ben had taken everything of interest with him when he’d moved out. “But you’re welcome to spend as much time in here as you like.”

Rey had finished her homework in there a few times, trying to feel close to him. She liked to imagine the Ben from family photos in there. Little Ben with his hair trimmed short and his ears fanning out like wings, or baby Ben mewling and fussing for his mama. But her favorite to imagine was teenage Ben, surly and long-haired and not quite grown into his long limbs or awkward features. What might it have been like if she’d been a teenager then, too, one of his classmates, and the bond had flared one day as they bumped into each other in the hallway? And she would come over to do homework with him. They’d be forced to leave the door open because Leia seemed like that sort of mother, but he would ask her to check his math, and she’d lean toward the notebook in his lap, her hair brushing his arm because she would have left it down, and he’d catch his breath. She’d tip her face up, and they’d be _so_ close. He would take a shaky breath, then his eyes would darken and he’d shove his homework aside and tackle her, their legs tangling and their lips crashing together in an explosion of crazed lust.

So as she stopped her wheelchair in the doorway, it was a struggle not to blush at the fantasies this room had inspired. Instead, she focused on the real Ben, the now Ben, tall and imposing and fully grown as he exited the bathroom with his bag.

Her heart pounded as she prepared the question that might destroy every last one of her little fantasies. “Can I ask you something personal?”

He frowned and hesitated, shouldering the duffel before he inclined his head warily. “Okay.”

Rey opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again. “This is a lot more awkward than I expected.”

Ben’s brows went up, but humor twitched his lips. “Okay…”

Rey took a big breath, braced herself, and looked up earnestly through her lashes. She kept her voice down, not wanting her words to carry, and asked as gently as she could, “Are you… and it’s okay if you are… but are you gay?”

Ben’s eyes went wide, and his brows crept into his hairline. Then, when Rey thought maybe he was going to get angry with her, he laughed and put a long-fingered hand over his face, still laughing. It was soft laughter, and she could tell she’d surprised him into it.

“I was not expecting that,” he said, dragging his hand away from his face. He took a breath and looked at one of the posters taped to the wall. When he turned back to her, he was more composed, though traces of laughter lingered at the corners of his mouth. “I can see how context clues might have led you to that conclusion, but no. I am not.”

Rey nodded, processing his answer. She felt simultaneously relieved and baffled, which led her to ask, “You’re sure?”

His eyebrows went back up. He flushed, eyes turning to the carpet as he confessed, “Fairly sure. I’m… pretty average, in that respect.” His lips shifted and compressed as he swallowed, still not looking at her.

“Okay,” she finally said, feeling embarrassed now also. “Sorry. For assuming.”

He shook his head, glancing up. “No, I get why you would think that.” He tilted his head. “Not that there would be anything wrong with it.”

“No, of course not.”

It was her turn to look at the floor. _Just two straight soulmates platonically being platonic together. What could be more normal than that?_

“Are you?” he asked.

Rey blinked up at him, into those probing brown eyes with their startling intensity, and shook her head. “No. No, of course not.”

“Okay.” He looked away again, and they fell into awkward silence.

When she couldn’t stand it anymore, she blurted, “This is very uncomfortable.”

He laughed. “Yes.”

She smiled sheepishly, responding to his laughter. “Sorry.”

He shrugged, but at least he was looking at her now. “It’s fine. It would be great if we could talk about _anything_ else, though.” His cheeks were pink, and she was _sure_ hers were as well.

“And never bring this up again?”

“Please.”

She wheeled her chair backward, belatedly realizing that she’d been trapping him in the room, and led the way to the living room. Han and Leia were on the sofa, scrolling through the streaming options on the TV. Han had his arm thrown casually along the back of the sofa behind Leia, and Leia sat tucked into his side with her feet up and a blanket over her legs.

“We were thinking a movie,” Leia said. “You kids want to join us?”

Rey perked up, but Ben declined.

He bent to kiss his mother, who patted his cheek and asked, “Come over tomorrow? We’ll just be lazing around the house.”

“I think I’m going to take a mental health day,” Ben admitted, straightening.

“Didn’t have ‘mental health days’ in my time,” Han grumbled. Leia elbowed him.

Ben raised a brow. “Did you have days off? Because I basically just had a six-day workweek.”

“I had seven-day workweeks,” Han replied.

Ben rolled his eyes to the ceiling and turned to leave. “Oh my God, it’s not a contest.”

“If it was, I’d win!” Han called after him.

A middle finger flashed back around the corner from the foyer, and Rey stifled a laugh. Han caught her eye and winked, his grin sly.

“Bye, sweetie!” Leia called. “Get a haircut!” The heavy sigh from the foyer before the front door opened and closed made Leia smile. She rested her head against Han, and he wrapped his arm around her. “It’s good to have him home.”

“Yeah,” Han agreed. He looked at Rey over Leia’s head. “What are you in the mood for, kid? Action? Adventure? Those crappy romances that make me want to claw my own eyes out?”

“I like action.”

Han made an approving noise in the back of his throat and scrolled down to the correct list. “You seen ‘John Wick’? Chewie recommended it, said it was one of the best damn action movies he’s ever seen.”

Rey shook her head. She really hadn’t seen many movies since Maz, and Maz had preferred black-and-white romantic comedies. “I'm good with that.”

Leia brushed the blanket off her legs. “I’m going to make popcorn. Rey, do you want some?”

“Yes, please!”

Rey wheeled away to use the bathroom, not wanting to interrupt the movie for her bladder. When she finished, she put her weight on her left foot to climb back in her chair and winced. She’d forgotten to take her pills with dinner, and the pain lingered longer than it should have if her medication had been in full effect.

When Rey returned, Han gave her a hand over to the couch and Leia brought in popcorn and soda and Rey's pills. The Solos turned the lights out, resumed their previous positions, and started the movie. Rey sat on Leia’s right, and Leia found her hand every now and then when the movie became too intense. And if Rey surreptitiously dabbed at her eyes more when Leia's hand found hers than when something sad happened onscreen, nobody said anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out as one of my favorites. Ben is policing his thoughts, and Rey's been making mental fanfiction of the smutty variety.
> 
> It started organically (what does a man do in the shower to relax when his options are limited?), but I liked the chance to acknowledge that they both have perfectly normal sexual urges even if their needs aren't being met by each other. Avoiding a moral quagmire doesn't stop horniness.
> 
> Also, Rey bonding with Han and Leia separate from Ben is one of my kinks. I saw it done well in a fic I read recently, and I want to say that fic was [Galactic Law](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13225527). Pretty sure it was. In honor of awesome fics that you should read, I'm going to go make some recommendations on Tumblr (I'm [@optimisticsprinkles](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/)).


	19. Discovery

The rest of the weekend went like that, watching movies and being drawn further into Han and Leia’s circle of warmth. Even without Ben there, they treated Rey as if they genuinely liked her.

For Rey’s part, she did everything she could to make sure they didn’t regret taking her in. She couldn’t do much, but she wheeled the trash out and organized the recycling and got on her hands and knees to clean up the orange juice she’d spilled (which wasn’t even a chore, just basic human decency) until Leia fussed at her to leave things for the cleaners. “I’m not remotely domestic,” Leia had wryly explained, a drink in one hand as Rey had gaped at her.

Rey had always thought only the super-rich ever paid other people to clean _for_ them, and even then it had seemed far-fetched. Meeting someone who actually threw money away like that felt as unreal as meeting a talking frog.

Ben didn’t join them for dinner on Sunday. It was the first time he’d failed to show up since Rey had moved in, and she realized with a pang that she’d hoped he’d come despite his mental health day.

* * *

On Monday, Rey found the paperback version of _Ender’s Game_ in her locker with an accompanying note.

> _I brought this with me on Saturday but forgot to give it to you. Let me know if you like it._
> 
> _~Ben_

She tucked it carefully into her backpack with a sappy grin and floated through her first few classes.

* * *

At lunch, Lusica found Rey where she sat with Finn and Rose and plopped down beside them. “We need to talk.”

Rey shared a startled look with her friends. “About?”

“This.” Lusica drew a colorful piece of paper out of her backpack and slapped it down in front of Rey. It took a moment for Rey to understand what she was looking at, but when she did her brows reached her hairline.

“Did you… make a fundraising flyer for the club?”

“I need you to sign off on it, and we need to start hitting up local businesses right away. I already called and got a list of times when the owners will be available, and I asked about appointments.”

Rey took the pink sheet of paper Lusica handed her with a list of days and times and businesses and business owners.

“How did you have time to do all of this?” Rose asked, accepting the papers from Rey to gape at them.

Lusica shrugged. “Kay helped with the calls.”

“ _Why_ did you do it?” Finn asked.

Lusica rolled her eyes. “Because you guys are the _slowest_ , and we have to act fast if we want to use Rey’s disability to get paid.” She frowned at Rey. “I _assume_ you're opposed to the idea of using the chair after you're out of it?”

“Um, _yes_.”

“And you get out of it next week?”

“Yes.”

“Then we need to strike while the iron is hot! Look those over and let me know by the end of today. My number is on there, and I already got Jess her copies. Oh, and we need to do wardrobe planning tonight. The uniform is fine, but people prefer to give money to _attractive_ people, and these aren’t the most flattering.”

They shared another look as Lusica flitted off to her own table.

“This is really detailed,” Rose said.

Rey shook her head, tugging the flyer back to look at it again. “She’s got more than just the robot kits on here. Club t-shirts, field trips, competition entry fees… And fundraising goals to meet each one. There’s even a breakdown of competition costs in fine print here, see? Transportation, housing, entry fee… She must have spent _a lot_ of time pricing things out.”

“That’s incredible,” said Finn. He flicked a corner up to look underneath, accidentally bending it, then turned the flyer over. “Hey, look at the back.”

They leaned in to examine a whole new chart.

Rey blinked down at it. “She made donor levels?”

Rose leaned forward to read it. “Levels for one-time donors and levels for recurring donors. ‘Sponsors.’” She pointed at a graphic of a t-shirt. “Look. Sponsors who commit to a certain amount get their business logo on the backs of our shirts.”

Finn grimaced and sat back. “Do we really want to commercialize the club like that, though?”

Rey felt a grin spreading across her face. “If it gets us field trips and robot kits to practice on? Hell yes, we do.”

* * *

They arranged to meet Lusica at Rose’s house after school. They invited Jessika, but she had basketball practice. She reminded them that, as vice president, Rose would be in charge.

Rey thought it was code for, “Don’t let Lusica walk all over you.”

Rose's big sister, Paige, greeted them at the door, tall and utterly exquisite. She hugged Rey with a murmur of support, hugged Finn with a fond smile, introduced herself to Lusica, and threw herself into helping them find Rey something to solicit donations in.

Lusica energetically added her own opinions to Paige’s suggestions. Her blue eyes shone, completely in her element, and Rey thought for the first time that maybe the club would have been okay if Lusica had gotten an officer position. She was… somewhat competent. And definitely motivated.

Paige seemed nonplussed but amused by Lusica, and together the two of them shooed Finn out of the room and helped Rey into an assortment of different items. Rose had been correct that Rey and her sister had similar figures, even though Paige was more willowy and Rey was more boyish.

Paige was old enough to be in college but hadn’t gone at the same time as her friends the year before because Mr. Tico had gotten sick and the family had needed her to get a job. He was better, if not completely well, and Paige was taking online courses to get some of her core classes out of the way before she applied for the fall semester. Rey wondered if Paige was very nervous about leaving home. She knew Rose was dreading it.

The consensus, even after Finn was invited back inside for his opinion, was on a cream floral sundress with thin straps which made them call Rey words like “sweet” and “wholesome” and “cash cow” (the last was Lusica). Lusica then insisted on looking through Rose’s closet to help her plan what she should wear. She pulled out a white skirt that Rose protested she only owned because her mom liked for her to dress up at holidays, and sent Rose to try it on with a long burnt-orange sweater. Together, they actually looked pretty cute.

“I like it,” said Finn with a smile when she returned. He stepped forward and kissed her. Rey looked away, blushing, but Paige and Lusica watched with indulgent smiles.

When Lusica saw Rey staring determinedly at her knees, she sat on the bed nearby and asked, “Still hasn’t kissed you yet?”

Rey felt her face go hot, especially when she noticed the others were looking at her as well.

Lusica sighed. “That man needs to step up. Honestly. I don’t know what’s taking him so long. I mean, it’s not like you’re ugly.”

Finn and Rose gave Lusica matching annoyed looks, but Paige was smiling.

“He probably doesn’t want to hit on a student at the place he works,” Paige said, looking endlessly amused. “And Rose said there was a pretty big age gap. How old is he?”

Rey, to whom this question was posed, thought about it and realized she didn’t actually know his age. “Um… definitely not thirty.”

Paige’s brows went up. “So about twelve years? Thirteen?”

“More like ten,” Finn said, his brow scrunched up in thought.

“That’s a pretty big difference,” Paige assured them. “It won’t be as big a deal later, but right now… kinda big.”

Lusica rolled her eyes. “The rules are different for soulmates.”

Paige fixed her dark eyes on the shorter, younger girl. She didn’t say anything, just kept her gaze steady until Lusica looked away.

Paige turned to Rey and said, very gently, “Give him time. He’ll come around.”

Lusica brushed her hair carelessly over her shoulder and changed the subject. “Rose, you should add knee-highs and those red sneakers in your closet, and you’ll be perfect. Finn, do you have something neutral you can wear? White or black or something?”

He shrugged. “Um. I guess?”

She sighed. “Text me a picture, and I’ll let you know.” To all of them, she said, “Any reason we can’t start tomorrow after school?”

Rey looked at Finn and Rose, who were shaking their heads. “Nope,” she replied. “Though we do need enough time to do our homework.”

Lusica nodded. “Good. Bring the clothes we picked out to school and any makeup you need. Make sure your clothes are pressed, though, yeah?” She looked pointedly at Finn. “A good impression is in the details. We can change there, and I’ll drive us. Deal?”

Rey turned to Rose. “Madam Vice President?”

Rose smiled, and Rey understood that she'd forgotten she was supposed to be in charge. “Yeah. I think that’s a good plan.” She nodded firmly. “Thanks for putting all this together, Lusica.”

Lusica blinked rapidly at Rose. “Of-of course.” Then she cleared her throat and said, “Anyone need a ride home?”

“I do,” said Rey. “If you don’t mind.”

“I’ll stick around for dinner,” said Finn, with a glance at Rose. “If your parents don’t mind.”

“They won’t,” said Paige, leaning against the wall and smiling at Finn and her sister. Paige’s obvious fondness of Finn had endeared her to Rey from the moment they’d met, though Rey wondered if she’d be equally fond of any boy Rose brought home.

Lusica went to start her car, and Paige touched Rey’s shoulder, stopping her from following. Those lovely dark eyes peered thoughtfully into her own. “You know,” she said softly, “soulmates don’t _have_ to be sexual. No matter what anyone else says, you should figure out what’s right for the two of _you_. Okay?”

An odd thought occurred to Rey, and her gaze flickered to Rose where she stood talking to Finn. The sisters had always been incredibly close. Rose talked about Paige all the time, and her anxiety over Paige going to college next year had always seemed a bit extreme, though Rey had chalked it up to their never having been apart for more than a day or two.

When she looked back at Paige, she didn't even have to pose the question. Paige’s smile took on a warmer edge. “We don’t tell people. Too many think like your friend, that it’s supposed to be sexual. They presume that sibling soulmates engage in incest, that we can’t help it. They can’t understand that love comes in different forms. No less strong, just different.” She tilted her head on a graceful neck. “Our parents know, and a few close friends. I expect Rose will tell Finn before too long, if she hasn’t already.” Another soft smile at the couple by the door. “Give your soulmate time. Your bond affects him, too, I promise. Just be patient.”

Rey felt a stirring of hope in her chest. “Could I get your number? In case I have questions? I don’t really know any other… you know. Soulmates.”

Paige raised her brows but accepted Rey’s phone to enter her number. “I’m not sure how much help I’ll be. My situation is distinctly different from yours.”

Rey nodded. “Yes. But… it would be good to get the platonic point of view.”

Paige handed the phone back. “You don’t want to talk to Rose about it?”

Rey shrugged awkwardly. “You seem to understand his side of things.”

“Ah. Yes.” Paige smiled down at her. “Though there is one other person you could talk to if you have questions.”

Rey sat straighter. “Really? Who?”

Paige laughed. “Your soulmate.”

Rey deflated. “Oh. Him.”

Lusica honked out front, and Rey made her goodbyes and wheeled out to Lusica’s car, the borrowed sundress folded neatly on top of her backpack in her lap. Rose and Paige helped get her wheelchair into the trunk, and Rey scooted herself into the front seat with only a little help from Finn. She could use her feet when she had to — the only real danger was that they would take longer to heal if she did it too much.

Also, it hurt.

“You’re really good at planning,” Rey told Lusica as they pulled out of the Tico’s driveway.

Lusica smirked. “I am, aren’t I?” They drove in silence for a bit, Leia’s address in Lusica’s navigation. “Appearances matter,” Lusica said into the silence. “Some people say they don’t, but they’re wrong. What people see when they look at you can make your life easier or harder.” She glanced at Rey. “That’s why we need to use the wheelchair. It’s not conning people to make them think you’ve been through some shit, because you have. And it’s not underhanded to use that to get something you want. People _like_ helping others, but first they need to be convinced that they _want_ to help you. That’s where appearances come in. You, Finn, and Rose tell a visual story of our club.”

Something clicked in Rey’s brain. “Wait. Do you want them along because of their _race_?”

“It’s not just race. Think about it. Jess is a jock, Poe is popular, Dopheld is an anal-retentive freak. You’re the scrappy underdog, and Finn and Rose are, like, too cute for words. And we’re ninety-five percent girls. It’s not a typical club. It’s full of people who are _really_ different from each other but came together to do something that will help _all_ of our futures. Adults eat that shit up. And, honestly…” Lusica paused and took a deep breath. “I kind of like being part of it. I want to see it succeed. Not just as something to put on my college applications, you know?”

Rey looked at her with new respect. “Wow. That’s… really touching, Lusica.”

Lusica grinned. “Plus, I get to spy on you and his royal broodiness.”

“Aaand you ruined it.”

“I’m just saying, I would not be opposed to watching that man bend you over his desk.”

The mental image made Rey suck in a breath and cover her mouth with her hands. “Oh my God! What is _wrong_ with you?! Stop it!”

Lusica laughed, ignoring Rey’s glare. “Okay, fine. But can I say—”

“Please no.”

“—that you two were _so_ cute at the car wash.”

Rey recalled playing with Ben’s hair, even though they’d been partially hidden by her wheelchair, and felt her face tingle from all the blood rushing to it. “Can we please not talk about me and him? Ever? It really bothers me.”

Lusica drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. “Okay.” Then, as if she couldn’t help herself, “But you _do_ know that the age of consent in our state is seventeen?”

“Seriously. Stop.”

“Fine,” Lusica sighed. Then, her right turn signal blinking, she added, “You’re no fun.”

“I don’t really like your idea of fun,” Rey grumbled, her face still traitorously hot.

“That’s too bad,” Lusica mused. She tossed Rey a cheeky grin. “Because it’s a _lot_ of fun.”

When they got to Leia’s house, Rey thanked whatever higher power might be listening that Ben hadn’t arrived yet. She did _not_ want Lusica armed with the knowledge that he came over every night for dinner. It was innocent enough, and _his_ parents' house, but the other girl would _definitely_ read something into it.

Rey texted Han, who sauntered out with an easy smile and greeted both girls before setting up Rey’s chair and helping her into it.

Rey waved goodbye to Lusica and rolled into the house where Leia waited with the gear to change Rey’s bandages.

“Have a good day?” Leia asked as Han helped Rey move to the couch. She unfastened the braces — removable boot-like wraps that held Rey’s feet immobile — and put her feet up so Leia could unwrap the bandages.

“Good enough,” Rey replied. “We’re going to do some fundraising after school tomorrow. Go around to local businesses.”

Leia nodded. “Do you need someone to drive you?”

“No, we have that covered.”

“Poe?”

“One of the girls. Lusica.”

Leia frowned, clearly trying to think if she’d met someone by that name.

“You told her she was full of shit.”

Leia’s expression cleared. “Oh, her!”

Ben arrived as Leia finished removing the gauze that protected Rey’s wounds. Rey’s heart gave a hard thump when he entered the room, and it had nothing to do with the ache in her feet _or_ Lusica’s smug sexual fantasy. Rey hadn’t seen him since Saturday, and she hadn’t realized until just that moment how much she’d missed him.

He was later than usual, and Rey realized why as he dropped his messenger bag into a chair nearby. His hair was shorter.

He saw what they were doing and winced, moving closer and placing a hand on his mother’s shoulder. “How’s it looking?”

“That puncture wound looks a little red to me,” she answered. She used hand sanitizer, then took a bottle of saline wound wash and began to irrigate Rey’s cuts, the towel under Rey’s foot catching the fluid.

Rey winced, and Han’s weathered hand gripped hers, letting her hold on as tight as she needed to. “Over soon, kid,” he said.

Ben usually wasn’t around when they redressed her feet, and he grimaced but didn’t look away.

Leia patted Rey’s feet dry with clean gauze and applied an antibiotic salve before wrapping them with fresh bandages. “If that redness doesn’t go away by morning, I’m going to make an appointment with the doctor. Try to stay off of it tonight, okay?”

Rey nodded and released Han’s hand. He patted her shoulder and retreated, mumbling something about picking up dinner.

Ben took a deep breath as if he’d held it the whole time. He seemed a little dazed, so Rey asked, “You alright there?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “Yeah. Just… that looks like it hurts.”

Rey winced as Leia tightened the braces. “It’ll hurt less if you’ll hand me my pills.” She pointed at her backpack, discarded on the other end of the couch. “Outside pocket.”

He dug until he found them and passed them over.

“Thanks.” She popped two in her mouth and swallowed them dry.

Ben looked at her as if she were some sort of heathen. “I’m getting you something to drink.”

“I don’t need it.”

“I’m getting it anyway.”

“You’re being overbearing!” she called after him as he disappeared into the kitchen.

“I don’t care!” he called back.

Rey rolled her eyes, but she wasn’t actually upset. She considered Rose and Paige and decided that Paige would probably do something similar for her sister. She imagined how Ben would be as a bossy but caring big brother-type soulmate, but the memory of his abs shut that fantasy down. She didn’t want him as a brother.

She noticed Leia’s smile.

“What?”

Leia shook her head and gathered the used medical supplies to dispose in the kitchen trash. “Nothing. Just glad to see the two of you getting along.”

Ben began to exit the kitchen at the same time his mother began to enter. He stepped aside to let her pass, but she stopped and looked up at him with a delighted smile. “Oh, honey. You cut your hair!”

Ben stood there, waiting, as his mother examined him with a critical eye. “You couldn’t have gotten it shorter?”

His lips parted as he let out a beleaguered sigh.

“You’re such a handsome boy, you should let people see your face.”

“People can see my face, mother.”

Leia harrumphed as if she disagreed and strode into the kitchen. Ben, free to exit, walked over and handed Rey a can of grape soda.

“She’s impossible,” he confided, but he seemed more resigned than annoyed.

Rey smiled up at him, clutching the cold soda between her hands. “She wants it like in the family photos?” His prominent ears were on display in most of the photos around the house. Poe had immediately commented on it the first time he'd dropped by, and Rey had shushed him sternly.

Ben glanced toward one of those very photos. “Pretty much.”

Leia returned then and began to tidy up the rest of the medical supplies. “There is nothing wrong with short hair,” she insisted.

Ben rolled his eyes at Rey over his mother’s head.

Rey bit back a laugh. “I think it looks nice,” she said loyally.

“At least someone does,” he replied, and Leia huffed.

“You always look nice, Ben,” Leia insisted. “I just think men should have _short_ hair. Like your father’s.”

“So you’ve said. Many, many times.”

His mother gave him a quelling look, and he raised his hands in surrender, retreating to his messenger bag.

Leia gestured at him with a nod, her hands full. “At least it’s not down to your shoulders anymore. You were starting to look like a girl.”

Rey covered her mouth, but a snicker escaped.

Ben glanced at her, one side of his mouth deepening. “Whose side are you supposed to be on?”

Rey pointed at Leia and wrinkled her nose at his incredulous huff. “Sorry. She gives me free room and board. I have to stay on her good side.”

Leia winked at her. “Smart girl.”

Rey pulled her phone out and shot a text off to Paige as Leia went into the kitchen and Ben settled into his chosen seat. _Do you get bossy with Rose when she’s sick?_

Paige didn’t take long to reply. _Absolutely._

Rey considered and asked, _Do you ever argue?_

This one took a little longer, and Rey set her phone facedown in her lap so she could tug her backpack over and dig her homework out.

The _Ta-ding_ made her fumble to pick it up and unlock it.

_Of course. Being soulmates doesn’t stop you from being human._

“Who are you texting?” Ben asked as he sat back with some work. He had his reading glasses on and was going over tests or papers or something.

Her first instinct was to lie, but she realized that there was absolutely _nothing_ incriminating about texting Paige. “Rose’s sister.”

“Ah.”

_Ta-ding._

Rey laughed when she opened the next message. She saw Ben glance over, a brow raised. “Rose wants to know why I’m texting her sister,” she told him. He again lost interest.

Rey typed out a reply, deleted it, then bit her lip and thought about what she should say. _Asking for advice. About Ben._

Three little dots appeared, meaning Rose was typing. They disappeared, then reappeared again. The text came through before the notification sounded. _Did you fight again?_

 _No._ Then, biting her lip, she typed out, _I know about you and Paige. She didn’t tell me, I guessed._ She stared at it for a long time before hitting Send. She let out a heavy sigh, nervous that Rose would be angry, and chewed on her thumbnail until the reply came through.

_Oh._

Rey frowned and waited for more, but Rose didn’t clarify. Frustrated, Rey wrote, _I can’t tell if that’s a good oh or a bad oh._

 _Surprised, I guess._ Then, before Rey could think of a reply, _She’s been talking to you about Mr. Solo?_

_A little. She’s really reassuring._

The reply came through immediately. _:) She is._ The ellipses appeared, and a few seconds later Rose sent, _I’m actually relieved you know._ More ellipses and a third notification sound. _Unless you think it’s weird. Do you think it’s weird?_

Ben sighed.  He’d loosened his tie and the top buttons of his shirt when she hadn’t been looking, and she tried not to notice how good of a look casual was on him. “Could you at least turn the sound off?”

Rey wrinkled her nose at him. “Sorry.” She muted her notifications and went back to the messaging app, quickly typing a reply to Rose. _It’s not weird. I think it’s great._

_:)_

Rey grinned at her screen. _:) :) :)_

_Finn wants to know what we’re talking about. He’s trying to peek._

_Tell him boys._ Rey waited with a smile, knowing exactly how Finn would respond.

When Rose replied, it made Rey beam at how well she could predict her best friend. _LOL! He stopped asking._

Rey giggled and clapped a hand guiltily over her mouth when Ben tossed her an annoyed look.

“Don’t you have homework or something?” he grumbled.

“Uh huh. Math and French.” She did not take her hands off her phone.

His head came up with a little frown. “I thought you took German?”

“I take both.” She shrugged. “I like foreign languages. They make a lot more sense than English, structurally speaking.” He raised a brow at her, and she grinned. “I’m British. We invented English, so I can criticize it if I want to.”

He rolled his eyes and Rey’s phone lit up with a new message _._

_Finn says we should just have a girls’ night if all we’re going to do is gossip about boys._

Rey snorted. _I’m in._

_This weekend? Sleepover?_

Rey blinked at the text for a few moments before writing, _Okay._ She’d never been to a sleepover before. The prospect was both exciting and nerve-wracking.

 _Great!_ Then, a few moments later, _I should go. Finn is pouting because I’m ignoring him._

Rey smiled, having been on the receiving end of that pout herself. _Ttyl._

_;)_

Rey tucked her phone away and rearranged her homework in her lap, settling down to work in the pre-dinner quiet.

She and Ben worked in silence together, though not side-by-side. Little noises filled the room: the rustle of paper, of textbook pages, and the scratch of Rey’s pencil in her notebook, all underscored by their breathing.

It was comfortable.

When Han returned with food, Rey had finished her math and started to look over her worksheet for French. Ben helped her into her wheelchair, and the words _bend you over his desk_ flashed guiltily through her brain.

“Have you had a chance to talk to Lusica yet?” she asked him.

His gaze narrowed on her as he drew away, mouth flattening into an irritated line. “What has she done now?”

“Nothing,” Rey said quickly. Then, trying to be honest, she corrected herself. “Well, okay, something. Nothing important.”

He sighed. “I’ll arrange to speak to her in the office tomorrow. Probably best if I don’t do it alone.”

“She came through today, though,” Rey said as they entered the kitchen. “I mean, she’s still the devil, but she actually stepped up for the club today.”

“How so?”

“She put together a fundraising flyer that is _really_ detailed, and she and Kaydel called a bunch of local businesses for us to talk to their owners. We’re going around to a few tomorrow after school.”

“Huh,” he said, skirting around the table to take his usual seat in front of the windows. “You mean to say she’s contributing in a way that doesn’t make people deeply uncomfortable?”

“Oh, no, she’s definitely still doing that, too. But she put a lot of work into this. She even said she wants to see the club succeed.”

“Interesting.”

Leia sat down and passed out forks. “I’d be interested in seeing that flyer.”

“It’s in my backpack.”

“After dinner?” Leia suggested, and Rey nodded.

“Oh, and do you have an iron? I need to press the dress I borrowed from Paige.” At their curious looks, she elaborated. “Lusica thinks we’ll be more effective if we aren’t in the school uniform.”

Ben draped his napkin across his lap and frowned. “I’m afraid to ask.”

“Actually, she went for a very ‘wholesome’ vibe. You should see what Rose is wearing, it’s _so_ cute. It’s this orange sweater and a white skirt but the sweater almost covers the whole skirt and she looks so sweet in it.”

Ben looked pained, and Han wasn’t even listening, but Leia asked, “What does your dress look like?”

Rey felt her cheeks warm. “Just a dress. Floral, which is something I’d never pick out for myself, but it’s nice.” She shrugged. “Lusica is more excited by the wheelchair, I think.”

“Of course she is,” Ben muttered.

Rey fell silent and dished lo mein from the crowd of boxes in the middle of the table onto her plate. After her first bite, she said, “Oh, I promised to ask if we can meet in your classroom after school tomorrow.” Ben frowned, and Rey hurried to assure him, “It will just be for a few minutes. Somewhere to drop our stuff while we change.”

Ben stabbed a piece of sesame chicken. “I’m actually not going to be there. I have an appointment.”

Leia glanced up. “Dr. Statura?”

Ben nodded.

Leia reached over and briefly squeezed his arm. He kept his eyes on his food. “I’m proud of you for calling.”

He shrugged, and Rey supposed he could feel her curiosity because he added, “My therapist.”

“Oh.” She went back to her noodles, trying not to notice how his jaw shifted in discomfort. He’d told her about seeing a therapist before, but she supposed it made him self-conscious.

“You should have your friends over here sometime,” Leia told Rey, shifting the attention from Ben.

Rey perked up. “Rose wants to have a sleepover this weekend.”

“You should have it here.”

Han raised his head at this, still chewing. “Wait, what?”

Leia ignored him. “I’d really like to meet your friends, and we have plenty of room.”

Ben frowned. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Whyever not?”

Ben glanced pointedly at Han. “Because I have to teach these people, and Dad keeps saying things he shouldn’t in front of them.”

Han rolled his eyes. “It won’t hurt anything for them to see you as human, Ben.”

Ben scoffed. “Of _course_ it will. Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is to reassert control in a class once you lose it? It took a full _week_ of extra homework and pop quizzes to get Rey’s class to realize I wasn’t fucking around. I’m not about to have anyone running back to school with stories about whatever embarrassing shit _you_ come up with.”

Han rolled his eyes. “Fine. But you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. They’re just kids.”

Ben pointed his fork at his father. “They are monsters.”

Rey’s brows drew together. “Those are my friends you’re talking about.”

Ben had the decency to flush. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I meant in general. Rose is obviously fine.”

Rey eyed him, but he seemed contrite. “I think Rose would prefer to stay at her house, anyway,” she told Leia. “Plus, her sister’s there, and they’re really close.” She considered telling them about the sisters' soulmate bond but decided not to. It wasn’t her secret to tell.

“Of course,” Leia agreed with a smile. “Maybe you could have your friends over another time. A movie night, perhaps?”

Rey’s worry that she’d end up offending Leia dissipated, and she beamed. “I’d like that.” She focused on her food for a little bit, silverware clinking quietly. Eventually, she asked, “What’s a sleepover like?” It came out more wistful than she’d intended, and three pairs of eyes landed on her with varying amounts of pity.

Rey ducked her head back over her food.

“It depends on the girls you’re with,” Leia said. “When I was young, my friends and I would play with makeup and discuss politics, sometimes at the same time.” She tilted her head and smiled, her expression mischievous. “But mostly we talked about boys.”

Rey felt her face turn bright red. She twirled a too-large bite onto her fork and stuffed it in her mouth, focusing on chewing. She did _not_ look at Ben. Nope. Nooot looking at Ben. She stared at the noodles on her plate as if they held the secrets of the universe.

Rose had said something similar, but it was more jarring to hear it there, in front of the… the _man_ Rey would likely be discussing that weekend with her friend.

Seeming to sense Rey's discomfort, Leia said, “We should go shopping together sometime soon."

“It’s a trap,” Ben said immediately. “She’ll drag you to every store, make you try things on for hours, and then just buy them all anyway.”

Leia gave him an unimpressed look. “It wasn’t _that_ bad, Ben. Besides, it's not my fault you kept outgrowing everything.”

Rey interjected before they could start to argue. “I kinda just go to thrift shops.”

A thoughtful beat, during which Rey feared the impeccably dressed woman might be judging her, and then Leia said, “Ben’s uncles swear by thrift shops. If you let him, Chewie will talk your ear off about all the things he’s found.”

“Lando’s a clothes snob,” Han pointed out. “Wouldn’t be caught dead in thrift.”

Rey thought about the lawyer and his smartly tailored three-piece suits. She’d thought he’d been coming from work or something when she saw him that Saturday evening, and even the next day she’d written it off as work attire, but perhaps he _always_ dressed extravagantly.

It was hard for Rey to wrap her head around.

“Yes, well,” said Leia. “Lando aside, women’s clothing is just more _fun_.”

Ben teased mildly, “Yes, yes, we all know you wish I’d been a girl.”

Leia swatted him. “Don’t even joke. I love you the way you are.”

He smiled. “Yeah, I know.”

Rey stuffed her mouth again, this time so she wouldn’t cry. She wished she’d had a mom growing up, someone who loved her as much as Leia obviously loved Ben, and watching the two of them together made her heart hurt.

They finished eating, and when Ben helped his mother clean up the dishes and the trash, Han nudged Rey with his elbow.

“All right there, kid?”

She startled and glanced at him, then behind herself at Ben and Leia. Ben was trying to wash the dishes they’d used, and Leia was arguing that he could just leave it for the cleaners. “Yeah, I… um…” When she turned back, Han was looking at her with a gentle expression. “I never had that,” she said, shrugging awkwardly and willing her eyes not to fill. “Family.”

Han looked at his wife and son. Ben had talked Leia into drying while he washed, and they were gathering dish soap and towels for the task. “Me neither.” When Rey’s eyes widened, he shrugged. “I remember a little about them. Not much. But hey.” He shifted in his chair, facing her with an odd little grimace. “You’ve got us. If you want.” He rubbed his palms on his thighs and nodded to himself, unable to keep her gaze. “We like having you around. And I’ve learned...” He hesitated, cleared his throat gruffly, and glared down at the tabletop as if it were forcing this confession out of him. “Family isn’t always the people you’re born to. Sometimes you make your own.”

Tears pricked at Rey’s eyes, but this time they were tears of gratitude. Han seemed alarmed when he saw them, and if the arm of her wheelchair hadn’t kept her seated, nothing in the world would have stopped her from throwing her arms around him.


	20. Ice Cream

Dr. Statura was an Asian man with greying hair, a short, wispy goatee, and a pragmatic manner. Ben hadn’t wanted a therapist who only existed to give him pep talks and make him feel better about himself. Statura had never tried to argue when Ben called himself a shitty person, just took the conversation from there and helped Ben figure out the person he  _wanted_ to be and how to  _get_ there.

“You said when you called that you had a soulmate,” Dr. Statura began once they’d both settled in. “Tell me about… her? Him?”

“Her,” Ben said, feeling jittery. He jiggled his knee and forced it to stop, steeling himself. “She’s sixteen.”

Dr. Statura’s brows went up. “Ah. I see. And this has you troubled.”

Ben laughed humorlessly. “Yeah. I’d say that’s an understatement.”

“Why does her age bother you?”

Ben felt a flash of annoyance that it wasn’t immediately obvious to anyone with a brain, but he tamped that down. The doctor was prompting him, not questioning him. Ben reminded himself firmly that he couldn’t expect people to read his mind and carefully detailed every little thing that was wrong with having a sixteen-year-old soulmate.

When he finished, the doctor sat up straighter with a thoughtful expression. “If I’m understanding correctly, your concerns seem to hinge on the subject of sex. So let me ask —  _are_ you sexually attracted to your soulmate?”

Ben frowned at the rug — dark grey with a lighter pattern across it — and considered. He didn’t want to be attracted to Rey, and her age was a definite problem for him on more than one level, but...

“I… a little?” he admitted, glancing up at Dr. Statura with a frown. “Like, I used to notice women if they had nice legs or… you know. Traits.” Tits. He meant tits. Dr. Statura gave a small, understanding smile, so Ben didn’t elaborate. “And now…” He shifted his jaw, thinking how to phrase it. “All the women that I notice have something in common with Rey. Their build or hair color or freckles.”

“Would you say that, when you look at women now, what you’re really looking for is her?”

Ben swallowed and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I… yeah.”

“And when you look at her?”

Ben shook his head. “She’s too young.”

Dr. Statura’s expression hardened the way it did when Ben avoided a question or gave a non-answer. “Ben.”

“No, I mean,  _that’s_ what I see. That she’s too young. That I need to protect her and do my best not to hurt her.”

Dr. Statura wrote something on his notepad. “Very interesting. So you’d say you have no sexual interest in her right now at all?”

Ben grimaced. “I’d  _like_ to say that. It would make everything a lot easier.”

Dr. Statura watched him and waited.

“Right now, it’s not that big a deal. But I can see it getting out of hand  _so_ easily. I can see myself falling into that trap of ‘it’s okay, she’s my soulmate,’ because part of me already  _wants_ to think that way. And if she decides that’s something  _she_ wants, I don’t know how strong I’m going to be.” He huffed a laugh and rubbed a hand over his face. “She’s already got me wrapped around her little finger and doesn’t even know it.”

“That’s another good question,” Dr. Statura said, nodding. “How much of this  _does_ she know? About your thought processes, your struggle?”

Ben leaned his mouth against his fist and smiled wryly. “Well, she asked me Saturday if I was gay, so I’d say… none of it.”

Ben caught Dr. Statura trying not to smile. “I see.”

“It’s okay, it’s funny,” Ben assured him. He sighed and rubbed his thumbs across his fingertips. “I asked my mom not to leave me alone with her.”

Dr. Statura’s brows went up. “You’re that worried about it?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Ben snapped. He couldn’t be trusted around her. Wasn’t it obvious?

Dr. Statura frowned and made another note. “So you’ve talked to your mother about the situation?”

Ben nodded. “She knows. All of it, actually. I mean, she doesn’t know that I only notice women now if they look like Rey — that’s… that’s private. But the rest, yeah.”

“That’s good. It’s good that you’re letting someone in. Would you say that this has brought you closer to your mother?”

Ben relaxed back into his chair, happy to be on less treacherous ground. “Yeah. Honestly, I don’t know how I would have coped without her.”

“That’s good,” Dr. Statura repeated with a firm nod. “And how is the rest of your family handling it?”

“Sometimes I think they like her better than they like me.” It was a joke, delivered in a perfectly dry tone, but Dr. Statura frowned and Ben realized that he’d revealed more with that statement than he’d intended.

His leg started bouncing again, and he told Dr. Statura about Rey staying with his parents, about Plutt and the attack. It made him angry again just to think about it. “I wanted to murder someone.”

“I’m pleased that you did not. Did you use the techniques we discussed to manage your anger?”

“Yeah, but it’s mostly her. She keeps me calm.” He tilted his head. “Calm _er_.” He took a deep breath and admitted, “I told her about Snoke.”

Dr. Statura straightened. “That must have been difficult.”

Ben swallowed. “She ran into Luke. Wanted to know what happened.” He told the doctor more — about Luke and Rey at the car wash, about the boy he’d had the urge to punch for talking to her, about sponsoring the club, and about agreeing to try and be her friend. About the little compromises he’d made to try and be that for her and how it all continued to terrify him.

Dr. Statura listened and jotted down more notes, inserting the occasional clarifying question. When Ben finished, the doctor was nodding, twirling his pen idly between his fingers. “I’m seeing a lot of positive steps taken in a short amount of time. I’m glad, but it’s got to be taking an emotional toll. Have you given yourself time to stop and process everything?”

“I took Sunday for myself.”

“That’s good.  _Very_ good. I want you to consider taking a full weekend. Do something you enjoy, something normal. Recharge. It wouldn’t be good to burn out at this juncture.”

“I haven’t been flying in a while,” Ben admitted.

Dr. Statura gestured with his pen. “There you go.” He stood, signalling the end of their session. “I want to see you weekly for the next two months. I’m busy, but I’ll find a way to fit you in. Yes?”

Ben nodded. “Yeah. Sounds good.” He took his phone out of his pocket and turned it on as Dr. Statura consulted his calendar. He hadn’t checked it at all that day, preferring to keep it off while he was at work.

A collection of texts came through the moment it connected to the doctor’s wifi, all from his mother.

 _Rey has a fever. Keeping her home._ Time stamped early that morning, before school started but after he’d gotten to work. The next was an hour after the first.  _Got a doctor’s appointment for 12:30._ Then a few more from early that afternoon.  _It’s an infection, not too bad. Doctor prescribed antibiotics. She’ll be sleeping most of today, so no need to rush home. Go to your appointment._

He typed out a quick response, forcing his fingers not to tremble. She was fine. Infections were easy to fight off with antibiotics, and she was young and healthy.

_Do you want me to pick anything up? Food, medicine?_

“Ben?”

He looked up at the doctor. “Sorry,” he said, gaze flickering back to the text messages. “Rey’s sick.”

Dr. Statura lifted his chin and gave a sympathetic smile. “Ah. Well, let’s get this done quick so you can get out of here.”

Ben stood and forced himself to focus on scheduling his next appointment. He hurried away as soon as they were done.

His mother replied as he reached his car, asking him to pick up dinner. She’d called in the order, and he just had to swing by and get it.

 _Will do,_ he texted back.

He wanted to do something else, something for Rey. He frowned down at his phone as he thought about it. What said “feel better” without any overtones of “go ahead and pick out a wedding dress”? He had a brief urge to go back inside and ask Dr. Statura, but he quelled that with a snort. He was a grown man. He didn’t need to be told what to do.

He vaguely recalled seeing women in movies eating ice cream when they felt bad. Movies suggested that it mostly happened after breakups, but he thought it might work as a universal “feel better” option.

He picked dinner up first, then swung by the grocery store nearest his apartment. It wasn’t until he was in the freezer aisle standing under the Ice Cream sign that he realized he had no idea what the fuck he was doing.

How were there  _twenty_ different brands of ice cream, all in a hundred different flavors? He remembered eating strawberry and vanilla and rocky road out of large tubs his mom sometimes brought home when he was a kid. It had never been complicated.

His heartbeat picked up as he thought about the food cooling off in his car. Ben ran a hand over his hair and glared through the freezer door as if the answer might jump out at him.

It was like sitting down for a test he hadn’t studied for.

“Mr. Solo?”

He straightened and turned, blinking down at the girl behind him. “Miss Pava,” he greeted. An Asian woman with one hand on a full shopping cart and her hair up in a smooth bun poked through a selection of frozen items behind the girl.

“Are you okay over here?” Jessika asked, her gaze flicking to the ice cream and back to him. “You look a little lost.”

He took a breath to assure her that he was fine, but a single glance at the baffling selection made him shut his mouth with a snap. “Completely lost,” he grudgingly admitted.

She faced the freezer case. “Do you know what brand you want?”

He pressed his lips together, annoyed at himself. “No.”

She slid him a quick glance and softly asked, “Is this for Rey?”

He flushed and felt his jaw tighten.

Jessika nodded. “Do you know what flavor she likes?”

He shook his head, wondering if a person could die of acute embarrassment.

Jessika, however, only opened the freezer door and knelt, zeroing in on small colorful pints on the bottom shelves. She dithered for a moment, selected three pints, and let the freezer door fall shut with a hissing thump. “Okay,” she said, handing him the stack. “You can’t go wrong with Ben & Jerry’s.” She pointed to each in turn. “Cherry Garcia in case she likes fruit. Chocolate Fudge Brownie in case she’s a chocoholic —  _always_ a safe bet. And Salted Caramel Almond because that’s my favorite so I always recommend it.”

He looked at the items in his hands dazedly, cleared his throat, and gave Jessika a stiff, overly-formal nod. “Thank you.”

Jessika smiled. “No worries. Tell her we all hope she’s feeling better, yeah?”

He nodded again. “If I have the opportunity.” He wasn’t sure if she’d be awake.

Jessika went back to her mom, sparing him the awkwardness of excusing himself, and he chose self-checkout so he wouldn’t have to deal with any other people. His cheeks burned the whole way back to his car, only cooling off once he was alone on the way to his mother’s house.

He  _hated_ going out in public.

* * *

Rey woke to Leia rubbing her shoulder.

“Hey, sweetie,” Leia murmured. “Time for your pills.” She held a palmful of antibiotics and pain meds. Rey could go longer now between pain pills, the ache of her feet not as intense.

Rey sat up and accepted them, swallowing them down with a mouthful of water from the bottle Leia had left on the bedside table.

Leia smoothed a lock of hair out of Rey’s face, and Rey let herself enjoy the touch. “Do you want something to eat? We have leftover Chinese from yesterday, a few tacos from tonight, and Ben picked up ice cream for you.”

Rey blinked blearily at Leia.  _Ben._ What time was it? She looked at the clock on her bedside and tried to make sense of the numbers. Ten thirty-seven. She’d been asleep for six hours.

And she’d missed seeing Ben. He always left by seven.

He’d been here, and she hadn’t seen him.

Rey began to cry, and Leia gathered her into her arms. Rey didn’t want to cry, but she felt like crap and her feet hurt and everything was  _too much_. She wanted to see Ben. Even if just for a minute.

When Leia coaxed this out of her, she gently released Rey. “I’ll call him.”

“No!” Rey said, mortified. “No, please. It’s late, and I’m sure he’s sleeping, and—”

“And he was worried about you,” Leia said gently but firmly. “I am absolutely certain he won’t mind coming back by for a few minutes.”

Leia left the room, and Rey fumbled for her phone, very close to panicking. A bevy of texts awaited her — she’d turned the sound off when she went to bed — but she ignored them and opened the message thread for Rose. She typed with shaky hands,  _Omg, I just had a meltdown because I didn’t see Ben while he was here and his mom is calling him, what do I do???_

It took a minute for the reply to come through.  _First, calm down._

_And second?_

_Second, don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal._

Rey gaped at her phone.  _That is not helpful. Like, at all._

Rose was silent so long that Rey thought she’d offended her, but a few minutes later she got a message from Paige.

 _Hey. Rose showed me your texts. She’s right, it’s not a big deal._ Rey watched the little dots that meant Paige was typing.  _He was probably just as disappointed that he didn’t see you._

Rey frowned. If that were true, he wouldn’t have stayed away on Sunday. She wrote,  _It’s the middle of the night._ After sending it, she realized that she’d probably woken Rose and Paige up, so she added,  _Sorry if I woke you._

 _Rose was asleep, I wasn’t. Working on a paper._ Before Rey had time for guilt to properly set in, Paige continued.  _I can only give you my experience. When Rose is sick, I worry._ Another pause, and the dots appeared again.  _If he’s the same way, he’ll be relieved at the chance to check on you._

 _What if he’s asleep?_ What if Leia woke him up and made him drive all the way over in the middle of the night just to calm Rey down? He had to work in the morning. What if this threw off his entire schedule? What if he resented her for it?

Dots. Rey watched them with bated breath.  _He’s not just your friend, he’s your soulmate. He won’t care._

That… was comforting. Rey took a deep breath.  _Okay. Thank you._

_Any time._

* * *

Ben found Rey curled on his mother’s sofa with a blanket on her lap, a movie on the TV, and the pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie in her hands. Something warm and purring uncurled inside him when he saw her eating his ice cream. He wondered if it was a soulmate thing, the deep satisfaction he got from it, or if it was just that he was a man and the girl he wanted a future with had accepted his gift.

 _Sixteen_ , he reminded himself, picturing her in her school uniform. It helped. Those uniforms had integrated into his psyche as warning flags:  _off-limits_.

She looked up sheepishly at him, dressed in another of his old shirts. The first time he’d seen her in one, he’d been startled, though he shouldn’t have been surprised — he’d left them behind, and it was only sensible that she use them. They swallowed her and made her look even younger than sixteen. It both tapped into the part of him that wanted to protect her and left the possessive side of him oddly pleased.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hi.” He sat a safe distance from her feet and resisted the urge to touch her — test her forehead with the back of his hand, rub his palm comfortingly across her shoulder, brush her hair behind her ear. Things his mom used to do when he was sick. He’d been tense the whole evening and had only just managed to get to sleep when his mom had called. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” she admitted, looking down into her ice cream. He thought he saw a blush cross her cheeks, but it was hard to tell. Her cheeks were already pink from her fever, and the one lit lamp didn’t give much light to judge by. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be any trouble.”

He again had to resist touching her. “It’s fine. I don’t mind.” He sat back and propped one foot against the edge of the coffee table. “What are we watching?”

She seemed relieved at the change of subject. “She’s a baker, and she solves mysteries, and her soulmate is that detective but they don’t get along at  _all_.”

He snorted. “That sounds stupid on all fronts.”

“That’s why it’s so good,” Rey insisted with a cheerful grin. He found himself smiling back at her and caught himself, abruptly forcing his eyes back to the screen.

His heart picked up a little. What the fuck had  _that_ been? He blinked at the blonde baker on the screen and decided that she wore too much makeup. He’d never seen the point of makeup to begin with, and sometimes it just made women look worse. Fake.

His mom entered with a mug of something hot. Probably tea.

“Half an hour,” she warned him. “Then I’m putting her back to bed.”

Ben nodded. Half an hour was fine. He’d probably claw his own eyes out if he had to watch more than half an hour of the movie.

The main character and her detective soulmate began to argue about her safety and not getting involved in the investigation; sexual tension poured off of the encounter, and Ben snorted at how unrealistic it was. They were both adults and clearly attracted to each other. Practical concerns aside, Ben knew now that the soulmate bond made interacting with the other person easier, not harder. It was part of what had him so freaked out about being near Rey. It would be so very easy to relax into her presence and make a stupid, unthinking mistake.

Rey glared at him over her ice cream, reacting to his snort. “It’s  _entertainment_ , Benjamin.”

“ _Bad_ entertainment,” he replied.

She scoffed, and he smirked at the screen.

Thirty minutes passed, then forty, and Ben glanced over to find that his mother had fallen asleep. He glanced the other way and saw that Rey had, as well.

He stared at her, and fuck if it wasn’t a bad idea, but he didn’t care. He realized he might never be able to look his fill even if he had a hundred years, and the thought made him sad. He wanted to reach over and rub a little spot of chocolate ice cream from the corner of her upper lip. He didn’t. He also wanted kiss her goodbye, the way he did for his mother with a casual press of lips to her cheek or her hair, but he knew that any kiss he gave Rey would not be the same as the ones he gave his mother.

He still wanted to.

He tore his eyes away and found his mother watching him. He didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or defensive. He just felt tired.

He got up and slid the ice cream carton and spoon from Rey’s hands without waking her up, disposing of it in the kitchen before returning to drop a kiss on his mother’s head. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he murmured.

“Take care, sweetheart.”

He left and leaned back against the front door, taking a steadying breath of night air as his hands trembled and eyes filled.

Fuck.

* * *

Rey stayed home again on Wednesday, sleeping through most of the day and reading the book Ben had lent her when she was awake. She fielded the occasional text — Finn let her know that he, Rose, and Lusica were still going out that afternoon and that they missed her and hoped she felt better.

The text made Rey smile, and she slept until dinner, having set an alarm on her phone to wake herself up. When it went off, she stretched and smiled at the thought that Ben was already there.

She hadn’t had a chance to bathe in the past two days, and the fever had made her sweat more than usual, so her hair was limp and she probably smelled weird, but the smile Ben gave her when she appeared made her forget about her self-consciousness.

He didn’t bring up the previous night, to Rey’s relief. She still felt stupid for being so needy.

“We’re going to eat outside tonight,” Leia told her. “It’s gorgeous out.”

“Tacos,” grinned Han, carrying a takeout bag past them and onto the back patio.

The patio was beautiful. Grey flagstones, a fire pit, and a big chrome grill. A large patio table stood to one side, the umbrella folded down. Someone had wiped the table down, and Ben moved one of the chairs away so Rey could wheel up to it.

She breathed the scent of _green_ in.

Han passed out tacos, and they all settled in to eat.

“There’s a hammock over in the corner there,” Leia told Rey, who was staring at all the tidy landscaping and bright pops of color against the green — something else Leia paid others to keep nice, but Rey couldn’t criticize this particular indulgence. “You should try it when you’re able to get up and down.”

“I will,” she said softly, deciding to come out here more often. She missed the sunshine.

They ate in silence for a while longer, the crunch of hard shells and smack of chewing mingling with a soft breeze and birdsong. The taco meat and seasonings overpowered the scent of flowers and cut grass, but Rey could still smell them underneath the food, bright and warm and inviting.

“Chewie is grilling on Sunday,” Leia said.

Ben glanced up, a bit of lettuce between his lips from the bite he’d just taken. He chewed and swallowed, catching the lettuce with his tongue. “I can’t make it.” He took a drink of his soda as if to brace himself. “Dr. Statura wants me to take the weekend for myself.” His jaw shifted, and Rey noticed that he didn’t look her way. She decided it was for the best, because panic had coiled tight around her heart at his words, and she needed everyone’s eyes off of her if she was going to get it under control.

Leia’s brows rose. “Well, if that’s what you need.”

“Yeah,” said Ben. He fiddled with his next taco, not unwrapping it, just holding it. “It’s supposed to be preventative or something. Make sure I don’t get burnt out from work and things.”

Rey swallowed. Things? _Her._ He wouldn’t say it, but that was what he meant. His therapist wanted him to get away from _her_.

She thought about the previous night and wondered if his doctor would have wanted him to stay away, keep his distance. Maybe go back to avoiding her. She felt guilty, wondering if that sort of thing would make him “burn out.” _Damn it._ She knew she shouldn’t have been so needy.

“So I was thinking.” Ben tapped a finger on Han’s section of the table, catching his dad’s attention. He watched Han from under a neutral brow. “I’m going to head to the airport on Saturday. If you and Chewie want to join.”

Han’s brows rose before his weathered face creased into a smile. “Yeah. Yeah, sounds fun.”

Ben’s expression eased, and his lips quirked at the corners. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Han agreed.

They both continued to eat in contented silence, and Rey managed to get herself under control before anyone noticed her distress. When everyone finished, Han and Leia went to throw the trash away and Ben followed them in. Rey found herself alone at the patio table for a few moments, trying not to obsess over the coming weekend, when Ben returned with two pints of ice cream and two spoons. He held both out, and she pointed at the caramel, leaving him with the cherry flavor.

He sat and stretched his long legs out beneath the table. “A kid came up to me today and asked if I’d get him a keg for his party this Friday.” Rey laughed, and he raised a brow at her. “This is not the first time something like this has happened. It’s mystifying. _Why_ would they think I’d be okay with that?”

She licked a trace of ice cream from her spoon, tilting her head as the answer surfaced. “Because of me.” He frowned, and she hastened to clarify. “Because they assume you’re already doing these things for _me_ , so they think you’ll be sympathetic to their cause.”

“But I’m _not_ doing those things for you. And I wouldn’t. I disapprove of teenage drinking — it’s almost always engaged in for the purpose of getting drunk, which is just _stupid_ —”

Rey smiled wryly at him, and he stopped, his dark gaze fixing on hers like a magnet snapping into place. “ _I_ know that, but they don’t. You may not have noticed, but those guys are not the sharpest tools in the shed.” She crunched into an almond while he mulled this over. As she dug around with her spoon, she said, “I guarantee they’ll ask me next.”

“Why would they—”

Rey gave him a condescending look. “Of _course_ they’re going to pester me instead of you. You terrify them. Hell, even Finn is afraid of you. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he doesn’t talk much when you’re around, and he always puts me or Rose between him and your desk during club meetings.”

“Huh.”

Rey smacked his arm. “Why are you _smiling_? That’s my best friend!”

He laughed. “Sorry.” Then, with a sideways glance, “I take it that you’ve gotten the brunt of the questions, then?”

Rey shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much. I’m more approachable.”

“That’s true.” After a moment, he said, “I hope it hasn’t caused you too much trouble.”

“It’s mostly just annoying. Although I have wanted to punch people sometimes.”

His reply was deceptively calm. “Oh?”

“Most people think… well.” She blushed and shrugged, trying to downplay how _deeply_ embarrassed the subject made her. “They think we’re _together_. And all that that implies.” She gave her spoon a little wave, a noncommittal gesture to indicate what she meant. She actually found it disturbing how many people wanted to know what their grim, forbidding teacher was like in bed.

Rey continued to try and fight her blush, but the intense tingling of her cheeks indicated it was a losing battle. A quick glance at Ben showed that his face was also pink, and he pressed his lips together.

“Nobody’s indicated anything of the sort to me,” he said, then tried to lighten it. “Probably because I’m terrifying.”

Rey chuckled weakly. “Probably.”

He took another bite and frowned pensively into his ice cream. “Sorry you have to deal with that.”

She shrugged again. “It’s high school. Another scandal will break, and they’ll forget about us.” She took a bite, flushed harder, and grumbled, “And hopefully stop asking what you look like naked.”

Ben choked on his ice cream, and Rey thumped him on the back until he stopped coughing. His voice went higher. “What?!”

She couldn’t help laughing, even through her embarrassment. “It’s mostly the girls. You have a fan base,” she informed him.

He covered his face with one long-fingered hand and let out an _ugh_ that was more groan than word. “Yeah,” he finally said wearily, dropping his hand. “There’s a few every year.”

Rey straightened. “Wait, you _knew_ about this?”

“Teenage girls aren’t as subtle as they think they are.”

Rey wondered with a telltale heating of her cheeks if _she’d_ let anything slip. Did he know? She was glad he was looking at his ice cream instead of her.

Ben continued with a shrug, clearly unaware of her inner struggle. “It’s something every teacher has to deal with. Though I haven’t been propositioned since the bond.” He nodded, almost to himself. “That’s been nice.”

“Wait. You’ve been _propositioned_?”

A smile twisted his lips, and Rey could see he was trying not to laugh.

“It’s not funny!” She gave him a light shove, a responding smile blooming against her will.

“It’s fine,” he said. “It’s normal. We’re trained to deal with it.”

“And how are you trained to deal with it?”

“Let them down firmly but gently while maintaining professional boundaries.”

Something about the way he smirked into his ice cream made Rey suspicious. “And how do _you_ deal with it?”

His grin grew. “I make them cry.”

She shoved him harder, unable to suppress her smile even as she glared at him. “That’s so mean, Ben! Those are real people with real feelings!”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh, please. They’re kids with a crush. Besides, the only ones who ever say anything are the ones who think something might actually happen. I have no sympathy for them.”

She shook her head and tried to ignore the sting of his words. He wasn’t talking about her, but… he might as well have been. “You’re so mean.”

“It is one of my defining characteristics,” he agreed.

“Speaking of horrible people, did you talk to Lusica?”

“I _did_ ,” he replied. “Yesterday. And I think it’s handled.”

“You think,” Rey replied, unimpressed.

“She’s been warned of the consequences if she keeps being a brat. But that means you have to tell me if she says anything to you.”

Rey made a face.

“Rey.”

She gestured vaguely with her spoon. “I hate to use the word ‘tattletale,’ because it’s very fifth grade, but I feel as if I shouldn’t _be_ a tattletale.”

“I think ‘tattletale’ is more _second_ grade.”

“Whatever grade, I don’t want to make an enemy.”

He frowned, and for a moment she thought he was going to insist, but then he sat back. “Okay. If you think you can handle it.”

“I can. And if I can’t, Finn and Rose have my back.”

Ben nodded slowly. “Poe does, too.” At her look, he said, “He’s the one who told me about… you know. Your lunches.”

Rey’s mouth dropped open. “That rat bastard!”

Ben only raised a brow. “He did exactly what he should have done.”

“He… that… _Ugh_.” She huffed, “I should sic Rose on him. She bites.”

Both of Ben’s brows rose at that.

Rey pointed her spoon at him. “ _Never_ piss Rose off. She will fuck you up.”

He blinked. “Noted.” He took a bite of his ice cream, and Rey saw him glance at her out of the corner of her eye. “You shouldn’t be angry with him.” When she looked up, he didn’t look away. “Please.”

Her anger gave way under the warm brown of his eyes, the unhappy tilt of his lips. “Are you really going to be gone all weekend?”

His lips pressed and shifted, and his gaze skirted away. “You should have your friends over. I know you have that sleepover, but… during the day. You should have people over. I’ll be out of the way, so it would be a good time for it.”

“You wouldn’t be in the way.”

“I would. I’d hate it, and they’d be uncomfortable because who really _wants_ to hang out with their English teacher?”

“ _I_ like hanging out with you,” she said, offended.

He tilted his head to the side with a grimace. “You kind of have to, though. Like how my mom has to put up with me no matter how crappy of a son I am.”

It was as if he’d injected old pain fresh into her veins, and it burned like acid. Rey’s fingers twitched with the urge to shove him out of his stupid chair. “Love isn’t obligatory, Ben. If it were, I’d still have parents.”

His face fell, and he paled. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head, brushing the pain off the way she always did. “It’s fine. Just… your mom really loves you. Your dad too, but he hides it better. You shouldn’t take them for granted.”

He ducked his head, contrite. “Yeah. No. I won’t.”

Rey wasn't hungry anymore, but she poked at her ice cream to avoid the awkwardness that had settled over them.

Eventually, he cleared his throat and admitted, “I like hanging out with you too.”

It wasn’t a declaration of undying love, but it still made Rey’s heart beat faster. And if she found herself daydreaming later of a teenage Ben saying those same words to her, in that same tone, but with a much different outcome? No one would know but her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose is grumpy when you wake her up.


	21. Sales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Spoiler Warning:** Guest appearance by the droid from "Solo" in this chapter. No specific spoilers for the movie, but I try to do right by her personality which is, in its own way, a spoiler.
> 
> Feel free to point out errors and typos. I proofread each chapter half a dozen times, but. :)

Rey woke while it was still dark Thursday morning, her body finally done with all the extra sleep. Though it was far too early to be awake, she couldn't roll over and get back to sleep, so she took a bath with Ben’s book, losing track of time as she followed Ender Wiggin to his first days in Battle School.

The bathwater had cooled by the time Leia knocked on the door. “Rey? Sweetheart? How are you feeling?”

Rey put the book aside and drew the curtain so only her head popped out of the tub. “Come in!”

Leia gently opened the door and smiled when she saw Rey. She sat on the toilet lid, where a fluffy sea-blue cover matched the rugs on the bathroom floor and accents on the shower curtain.

“Do you feel up to school today?”

Rey nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okay. Go ahead and finish up. I’m going to go check on Han. He’s trying to make eggs, and a second pair of eyes for that is always good.” Leia wrinkled her nose.

Rey laughed. “Okay. I’ll be in soon.”

Leia rose to leave. “I’ll have your meds on the table for you.”

“Thanks!”

The door shut behind Leia, and Rey considered soaking a little longer in the tepid water but shivered and decided against it. Keeping her feet out of the water was a pain, anyway. She leaned over and pulled the plug, letting the tub drain before pulling herself to sit on the side as she dried off.

When she got to the kitchen, eggs with dark edges and solid yellow middles sat at her place, along with toast that was far too brown.

Rey swallowed the pills by her plate with some of the orange juice Leia handed her and got her phone out to text Finn that she’d be at school.

 _Cool!_ he replied. _Think you can come with us for sales tonight?_

Rey bit her lip, guilt curdling her stomach. She didn’t think he meant it as anything other than a friendly inquiry, but it felt like an accusation. _Depends on how much make-up work I have to do by tomorrow, but we'll see._

_Okay, cool. Miss you!_

She smiled. _See you soon._

* * *

Rey did end up going with them that afternoon, changing with Lusica and Rose in the school bathroom and piling into Lusica’s car. Rey had enough work to finish for Friday to make it a terrible idea, but she’d found herself more and more self-conscious about her lack of performance as club treasurer. Lusica had done more of Rey’s job than Rey had, and it was embarrassing — particularly when Finn and Rose excitedly told Rey how they’d made two hundred on the first day, more than the entire car wash, and it was all because of Lusica’s sales skills.

On the way to their first stop, Lusica briefed them on the business owner they’d be talking to: Eleanor Threebush, a self-made woman with both a flower shop and a bakery. She specialized in weddings, though she catered smaller events as well.

Lusica finished with, “My aunt used her for her wedding and hated every second of it. Eleanor is apparently _very_ pushy and opinionated. People use her because she’s the only game in town, and the cheapest for miles. Lucky for us, she’s also a feminist. She’ll _love_ that the club is mostly girls.”

They met Ms. Threebush at her flower shop, where she immediately insisted they call her Ellie because “titles are a construct of the patriarchy.” She hauled flower arrangements around with ease — she was tall and strong-looking, striding to and fro with a curiously wide gait and taking up a lot of space as if she’d decided one day that she wasn’t giving one more inch of air to an oppressive male regime.

“What happened there?” she asked when she saw Rey’s feet.

Rey ducked her head, and Ellie peered down at her past the box of daisies in her arms.

“She doesn’t like to talk about it,” Finn said, coming to her rescue, but Rey waved her hand.

“It’s okay,” she said. For some reason, she liked Ellie and didn’t think she’d get pity from her. So Rey took a deep breath, tilted her chin to meet Ellie’s eyes squarely, and said, “Some asshole didn’t like having his ass handed to him by a girl half his size.”

Ellie cackled, then sobered as she glanced down at Rey’s feet. “He did that?”

“He decided to try and scare me.” She shrugged. “I got hurt while running.”

Ellie’s face darkened. “Fucking misogynistic bastards,” she spat, launching into a diatribe that went on for almost a full minute.

Oddly, it made Rey feel better.

And Lusica had been right — Ellie adored the fact that the club had so many girls.

“I bet you horrify those chauvinists who think only boys can be good at that shit,” she crowed, seeming to forget that Finn was there _and_ a boy.

“We were talking to Terex Ranc, who runs the steak house over on Kaddak Avenue,” Lusica said with a smirk, “and I introduced Rose as our vice president, and he asked where the president was. So I said, ‘Basketball practice,’ and he said, ‘Oh, he plays basketball?’ and I said, ‘ _She_ is the girls’ varsity point guard.’”

Ellie cackled, slapping her knee, and Rey grinned. She didn’t know if it was a true story, but it was definitely the perfect story for Ellie because she asked how much he’d donated and, after Lusica told her, puffed out her chest and said, “I can do better than that.”

She wrote a check for three hundred right there on her pastel pink countertop. “I’d do more, especially to show up that asshole Terex, but I don’t actually _have_ more. Most of my profit gets put right back into my businesses. You come back next year, though, and I’ll see what I can scrounge up.” She tore the check out and handed it to Lusica. “Put me down as one of those sponsor-types, okay? I _definitely_ want to be affiliated with your club.”

“Thank you, Ellie,” Lusica said, pocketing the check with a smooth smile. “We definitely want to be affiliated with you, as well.”

Ellie patted Lusica’s shoulder and turned to Rey. “And you. Keep kicking ass. You hear me?”

Rey grinned. “Will do.”

“It won’t always be easy, but it’s worth it.”

Rey got the impression that Ellie was speaking from experience, so she smiled and nodded and thanked her.

It took a bit to extricate themselves — Ellie was a talker and followed them outside — but Lusica finally had everyone in the car and Ellie had gone back to attend a customer.

“That went well,” Lusica said as she pulled out of the tiny parking lot.

“I liked her,” said Rey.

Lusica raised a brow. “You don’t think she’s a bit much?”

“Everyone’s a bit much sometimes,” Rey replied.

Lusica shrugged and started to fill them in on their next appointment. “This one is totally different from Threebush. Maximillian Veers. Former brigadier general in the U.S. Army, now he’s a big fish in a small pond. Owns the supermarket over on Hoth and two different gas stations. Big smiles, and be polite. Military men _love_ the whole ‘respect’ thing.”

Mr. Veers was a stern-faced man with short grey hair and a military bearing. He met them at the supermarket and escorted them into the manager’s office, kicking the poor manager out in the process.

Lusica played their hand completely differently than she had with Ellie. With Mr. Veers, she sat and crossed her ankles daintily, keeping her hands in her lap. She wore the kind of smile beauty queens would kill for as she made their pitch, emphasizing the benefits of advertising with a school club and being known as a local supporter of youth.

Mr. Veers frowned through the entire thing. When Lusica finished, he fished out his wallet and removed a photo of a boy in a baseball uniform. “That’s my grandson,” he said, pushing the photo into Lusica’s hand. “He’s on the baseball team and hits me up for donations what feels like every other week. You know what I tell him?”

Lusica’s smile didn’t falter as she handed the photo back. “I can’t imagine.”

“Nothing in this life comes for free. You want something, you work for it. What have the four of you done to earn anything? You’re asking for a handout, and I don’t _do_ handouts.”

Lusica stood smoothly as Mr. Veers tucked his wallet back into his pocket. He stood as well, and Lusica shook his hand. “Thank you for your time, Mr. Veers. If you change your mind, our information is on the flyer there.” She nodded toward the colorful piece of paper he’d discarded onto the store manager’s desk as soon as she’d handed it to him. Rey suspected he’d either leave it there or sweep it into the trash the moment they left.

Lusica lost the smile as soon as they left the building, her brows snapping together. “Prick,” she muttered.

Finn burst out laughing, then Rose and Rey joined in. Lusica was shaking her head and smiling by the time she unlocked her car.

Once they were all seated, Lusica thumped her head back onto the headrest. “Three hundred in two hours isn’t bad.”

Finn leaned between the two front seats and said in a low voice, “‘I don’t give handouts to greedy little urchins who don’t even have full time jobs.’”

Rey turned to look back at him and lowered her own voice, “‘Why are my tax dollars enabling these lazy children to go to school when they should be working in factories?’”

Rose, giggling, wiped at her eyes. “He doesn’t even give money to his own grandson!”

Lusica shook her head and backed out. “I’d be surprised, but he kind of reminds me of my uncles.” She turned her blinker on and zipped out of the lot a little too close behind another car. “They say they’re in favor of fiscal responsibility, but really they’re just fucking cheap.”

“The more you have, the more you’re afraid to lose,” Finn said, still leaning forward. “That’s what my mom says.”

Lusica shrugged absently. “They gave me a toothbrush for Christmas when I was five. A _toothbrush_.”

They continued to complain about Mr. Veers for a while longer, then Lusica pulled up at Rose’s house and became all business. “Okay, we have a whale tomorrow. If we play this guy right, we could clean house. Rey, you gonna be there?”

Rey nodded. “Sure.”

Lusica nodded at Finn and Rose as they unbuckled and slid out of the car. “Good job, team!”

They waved goodbye, and Lusica started toward Leia's house, still grumbling about Mr. Veers.

“I’m glad you were there today,” Lusica told her. “You made a difference at Threebush’s, I could tell.”

“She was going to donate anyway after you told her about that other guy. Was that story real?”

Lusica snorted. “Yeah. It was so awkward that he gave us fifty just to make us go away.”

Rey laughed. “Wow.”

“But it’s good having you, finally. You’ll make things go better.”

“Because of the chair?” Rey tried not to let any bitterness creep into her voice.

Lusica glanced at her in surprise before looking back at the road. “Because people like you. If all I needed was a wheelchair, I’d get one. Yours is a plus, sure, but I want you along because you’re likable. Even more likable than Finn, and he’s fucking _adorable_.”

Rey smiled despite herself. “He is.”

“Even Mr. Solo likes you, and he hates everyone.”

Rey started to protest but stopped herself. He'd said he liked spending time with her, and he did he hate most people, so… Lusica wasn’t actually wrong.

By the time Rey got home and Han helped her inside, she realized that Lusica hadn’t pried the way she normally did.

Perhaps Ben’s talk had had the intended effect.

Or perhaps Lusica was too distracted by their failure with Mr. Veers.

Whatever the case, Rey decided to enjoy the reprieve.

* * *

Rey did her math at the dinner table, mentally solving the problems and writing the answers down, leaving space to go back and fill in the steps. That part would take forever, but her teacher wanted to see that everyone was doing it the “right” way. “I hate showing my work,” she muttered, finishing the last math problem in a sloppy hand before filling the equation in above it even more sloppily.

She had half a dozen assignments due the next day, and this was the quickest to knock out.

Ben craned to look at her notebook, his face contorting in disgust. “How can anyone even _read_ that?”

She kept filling in blank spaces on the other answers. With all the sarcasm at her disposal (which, frankly, was a _lot_ ), she said, “I’m _so_ sorry my handwriting isn’t a font like _some_ people’s.”

“Font?”

“You know, computer font? Arial, Times New Roman, Comic Sans? Fonts.” She erased a number that actually _was_ illegible and rewrote it. “Just admit it, you’re an android and you write in a font. I bet it’s even called ‘Ben.’”

Ben scoffed.

“All that calligraphy,” said Han. “It gave him prissy handwriting.”

“It’s not prissy,” Ben said, glaring.

“It’s not prissy,” Rey agreed, holding up a finger before the two men could continue arguing. Solemnly, she informed them, “It’s fancy.”

Han laughed, and Ben rolled his eyes.

“Oh my God, I hate both of you,” he said.

Rey smirked and kept adding to her homework.

“I think your handwriting is beautiful, dear,” Leia said, patting Ben’s arm as the latter grimaced and Han snickered.

“Robooot,” Rey whispered, her pencil still scratching.

“Chicken scratch,” Ben muttered in retaliation.

Rey shoved a pork dumpling into her mouth and kept writing while she chewed.

It had been Ben's turn to choose dinner and he, to Rey's surprise, had insisted on sushi.

Rey had been nervous about the idea of raw fish, but she'd never been particularly fussy about food — so long as the cooks washed their hands and nothing had turned, she’d eat it. She had definitely eaten things on the _verge_ of going bad during her years as a foster kid, but Ben assured her that sushi chefs took it as a personal insult if you asked if the fish was fresh.

Still, she sniffed the section of tuna roll Ben put on her plate (with chopsticks, no less, the showoff) before she tried it.

Different, but good. It didn't smell like anything — “Fresh fish doesn't smell fishy,” Ben told her when he saw what she was doing — and it tasted much milder and less slimy than she'd expected.

She'd pointed at the dumplings and asked, “What's that?”

“Pork gyoza,” he’d patiently replied.

She'd shoved her plate at him and ordered him to fill it up.

“Just gyoza?” he’d asked with a disapproving frown, as if he'd expected her to be more open-minded.

“Everything,” she’d replied, already sinking into her homework, though she still managed to catch his smug smile as he filled her plate with selections from six different sushi rolls and two appetizers.

Han was the only one who'd gotten a cooked entree, claiming he didn't want to die of salmonella, which had sparked a furious debate with Ben, even Leia weighing in on the side of sushi.

_Heart-healthy._

_Low fat._

_Filling._

“Raw fish is raw fish,” Han had obstinately declared.

“Not when it's prepared by chefs with ten years of training and more understanding of where their materials come from than you have ever known about a single hamburger,” Ben had retaliated.

“I know where my burgers come from.” Han leaned in and growled, “ _Cows!_ ”

Ben had thrown his hands up, and Rey had snickered at both of them, ending the debate.

Rey was worried at first about how to eat the sushi — she’d never used chopsticks in her life — but then she noticed Leia picking a piece up with her fingers.

Leia saw her looking. “Ben is the only one who's any good with chopsticks,” she admitted once her mouth was clear, tilting her head as if to acknowledge that she wasn't perfect at _everything_. “Sushi is his favorite, so he’s had more practice.”

Ben clicked his chopsticks together twice in agreement, his mouth full.

“Showoff,” Rey accused, and he wrinkled his nose at her.

Leia laughed. “Isn't that the truth.”

Ben swallowed. “Really? We're going to be petty now?”

“I'm just pointing out that it's perfectly acceptable to eat sushi with your hands,” Leia replied.

“And I appreciate that,” Rey told her politely.

Leia beamed and picked up another piece between perfectly manicured fingers, turning back to Ben. “See? Nothing petty in the least.”

Han snorted over his beef teriyaki. “They're ganging up on you, kid.”

Ben glared at all three of them, rolled his eyes when Rey smiled cheerfully back, and continued to eat in grumpy silence.

How Rey knew that he was secretly pleased, she wasn't sure. She thought Leia could tell, too, because she was smirking, so it probably wasn't a soulmate thing.

But she gave the sushi a little more of her attention after that, wanting to like it if it was Ben’s favorite food.

She scribbled down a few more numbers and finished with a sigh, closing her textbook on her notebook and shoving both into her backpack. She pulled out her Chemistry book next.

“A lot of make up work?” Ben asked.

“Enough,” Rey replied, double-checking the assignment. “Most of it I can do this weekend, but some is due tomorrow. I’ll be up late with it.”

He frowned. “Why did you go out if you had so much to do?”

Rey felt her face warm up, but she kept her gaze on her work. “I didn’t want to be dead weight for the club.”

He opened his mouth, but Leia shook her head, and he shut it.

* * *

Friday rolled around quickly, and Rey found at the club meeting that it wasn’t just Finn and Rose who were impressed with Lusica’s fundraising abilities.

“We already have enough for the robot kits and t-shirts,” Jessika said, looking over their list of donations, “and a field trip. If we order those kits this weekend, that would be ideal. We only have, like, two months of the school year left, so the faster we get cracking, the better.”

Rey got swept into a strategy session with Lusica, Finn, and Rose. They talked while they ate, and Lusica convinced Rey to let her put eyeliner on her, which Rey did not realize was going to happen _right then_ while she was trying to eat.

“This is going to make your eyes look bigger,” Lusica said, uncapping a brown pencil and tilting Rey’s head back. Rey obediently looked up or down depending on which lash line Lusica was working on, and the other girl was so close that Rey felt her breath on her face, minty from the gum she liked to chew. Lusica stepped back when she’d finished both eyes, surveying her work, and returned the brown pencil to her makeup bag. “Okay, now for white.” She pulled out another pencil and they went through the same dance, though this time it was on the skin closest to Rey’s eye.

Naturally, Rey’s eyes started to water.

Lusica grimaced and grabbed a tissue to dab the moisture from Rey’s eyes, teasing, “Trying to ruin my work here?”

“Sorry,” Rey said sheepishly. “I don’t really care for makeup.”

“It’s just a tool, like wearing the right clothes or styling your hair,” Lusica said. “It can turn you into a piece of art or a piece of trash. The wrong blush, a lousy shade of lipstick, they’ll ruin you. The right ones, though.” She went back to work with the white pencil. “Almost done,” she said. Then, “Did you know there’s a very specific skirt length that separates a ho hemline from a grandma hemline? And it’s different for every girl?”

“That’s really weird,” said Rey, trying to hold her head still and not blink too much.

“But true. It’s based on body ratio, not length. That’s why school measurements of skirts are so stupid. You can’t prevent the ho length by using fingertips or inches. But the people doing the measuring can’t break out a calculator every time a girl’s skirt looks too short, so they’re stuck policing simple measurements that don’t always work.”

“That makes sense.” Rey might have been a fashion disaster, but _math_ she understood. “So what’s the ratio?”

Lusica grinned. “Not sure. I used one of those online calculators. Input your height, the size of your heels, and boom. There you go.”

Rey made a face.

Lusica smiled and drew back with a nod. “There. Doe-eyed and ready to break hearts.”

Rey rolled her newly-made-up eyes but couldn’t help a slight blush as the tiny girly part of her fluttered. “Whatever.”

Lusica laughed. “Trust me.” She put her things away and sat back down. “So. I’ve heard tonight’s whale is a bit of a pervert, so I’m going to wear a shorter skirt than usual.” She winked. “Give old Mr. Hutt a thrill.”

“ _What?_ ”

Everyone fell silent at the sharp edge to Ben's voice. Rey whipped around in her seat to stare at him, concerned by the way he'd gone pale, but he was looking at Lusica, not her.

Lusica flushed, maybe realizing that she'd said something inappropriate again. “I-I just said that we need to look our best when we see Mr. Hutt tonight.”

Ben stared more, his eyes wide and nostrils flaring, fingers gripping the edge of the desk so hard his knuckles went bloodless.

“You are not going there,” he said in a strained whisper that nevertheless carried in the silent room.

Lusica blinked back at him, frowning. “But he's on my list.”

“No.”

“But…”

Ben exploded into motion, sweeping books and papers onto the floor with a resounding clatter. His coffee went everywhere, spreading out and touching Kaydel’s shoes. She picked up her feet to avoid it.

Ben had his palms flat on his desk, head bent and eyes closed as he took a deep breath, held it, and let it slowly out.

He did that two more times before he raised his head. When he spoke, the only indication that anything was wrong was in the tremors running down his arms.

“I appreciate that he is on your list, Miss Stynnix. I assume that you don't know much about the Hutts, that you failed to Google that family, because even you would not be _stupid_ enough to take money from someone like that.”

Lusica drew in on herself, but she was still Lusica, so she said, “I saw he'd had some legal trouble way back, but…”

Ben closed his eyes. His mouth and jaw worked as if holding harsh words back.

“Twenty-some years ago, my mother spearheaded the Senate committee overseeing the investigation into the Hutts. It fell through because one of the witnesses was a child and the other disappeared.” He leveled a look at Lusica. “Any money from that family is covered in blood and riddled with strings. I am telling you this for your own safety. Stay away from the Hutts.”

Lusica frowned, the gears in her head turning uncertainly. “We'd put the money to good use, though.”

“Luce,” said Jessika softly. Lusica looked her way, and Jessika shook her head. The last shreds of fight went out of her.

“I can find you another donor,” Ben offered.

“Someone with pockets as deep as Hutt’s?” she asked, clearly annoyed.

“Close enough. And the money is clean. Old, respectable, inherited money.”

“Can they meet us tonight?”

“Sure,” Ben said easily. “And you don't even need to dress up."

And that was how Rey found herself sitting at Han and Leia's formal dining table with Rose, Finn, and Lusica right after school, wearing Paige's dress and Lusica's eyeliner and feeling like a fool.

“How much do you already have?” Leia asked, her gold reading glasses on as she examined the flyer Lusica brought for her.

Lusica leaned forward and pointed at a spot. “Everything but the second field trip and competition fees.”

“It's far too late in the year to enter any competitions, especially with a team as green as yours would be,” Leia pointed out. “What would you do with the extra funds if you went over?”

“That's up to the club,” Lusica said immediately. “I talked to Jess, and she said we'd save it for next year or maybe buy more robot kits. Practical stuff.”

“And who is holding onto the money?”

“Right now, Mr. Solo.”

Rey glanced at Lusica, surprised. One of her duties as treasurer was to handle money, and she hadn't even known who had it.

Leia nodded. “Okay, then. Let's talk robot kits. How many club members do you have?”

And that, in turn, was how Leia wound up ordering fourteen kits at two hundred a pop and donating enough to cover the remaining costs of the second field trip, once the six hundred for the kits had been applied.

“I only ask one thing,” Leia said as she cut the check. “Stay away from the Hutts. I didn't believe the rumors about that family, once, and I was wrong.”

Lusica smiled her beauty queen smile and accepted the money.

Leia reached out and grabbed Lusica's wrist, her brown eyes drilling into the startled girl. “Just avoid them. Please.”

Leia released her, and Lusica rubbed her wrist and swallowed.

Leia took a sip of her drink, and Rey could see a slight tremor shaking the glass.

Lusica and Finn gathered their things and followed Leia into the living room, but Rose lingered to ask Rey if she still wanted to sleep over on Saturday night. Rey agreed, Rose grinned, and they hugged goodbye.

Ben, leaning forward on the couch and channel surfing with his tie loosened, waved idly when the three said goodbye to him. The moment they left, he sat back and put his feet up.

Han was nowhere to be found, and Ben told them he'd gone to grab dinner.

“That girl is too stubborn by half,” Leia said, returning from seeing Rey's classmates out.

“You think she'll listen about the Hutts?” Ben asked, pausing briefly on a detective show before moving on.

Leia sighed and sat with her drink. “I think she sees them as a challenge.”

Ben skipped over a children's program and a baking show. “She's a minnow who thinks she's a shark.”

Leia grunted and stood. “I need to rewrap your feet, Rey." Before leaving to gather supplies, she muttered, "And get a stronger drink.”

The moment they were alone, Ben spoke in a low voice, his jaw shifting and brows low as his eyes stayed fixed on the TV. “Promise me something?”

Rey's blinked and nodded. “Okay.”

“Don’t go near the Hutts.” He glanced at her, then, and his mouth did that thing, the thing that meant his emotions were getting the best of him. “My parents don’t talk about it, but I think Hutt might have tried to rape my mom when she was younger.”

Rey’s gut twisted, and she recoiled. “God.”

“So just… don’t even be in the same building as any of them if you can help it, okay? They hate my mom, and you’re connected to her, and…” He stopped, swallowed, and stared at the coffee table. He closed his eyes and confessed in a tone she’d never heard before, “I would kill anyone who touched you.”

Her lungs seized, and she stared at him, at the trembling movement of his mouth and his closed eyes as if he couldn’t even look at her while talking about it. His grip on the remote had gone stiff, and his free hand was clenched on his thigh, knuckles white.

 _Defuse_ , her instincts whispered. _Comfort._

“You wouldn’t have to,” she said, attempting a light tone. “I’d kill them myself.”

He snorted, the corners of his mouth quirking, and his eyes opened. “Of course you would,” he muttered and shook his head, leaning further back into the couch though his hand stayed clenched on his thigh. His color was high, belaying his casual words. “I'd help hide the body, then.” He tossed her a sideways glance. “So would Han.” He flipped past a few channels, not seeming to focus on any of them, the tight clench of his fist gradually easing. “Chewie and Lando would, too." Then, thoughtfully, “Mom probably wouldn’t.” He glanced at her. “Would Finn?”

Rey considered. “He would, but he’d torture himself about it.”

Ben frowned and nodded. “Better stick with us, then.”

Leia returned, hands full. “What are we talking about?”

“Hiding bodies,” Ben replied, pausing on a show only to dismiss it after a moment.

She raised an amused brow at him. “Who did you kill?”

“It’s hypothetical, but one of the Hutts.”

“Oh,” Leia said, setting her things neatly on the coffee table. “In that case, hypothesize away.”

“So I was saying that Solos will help dispose of the body, but Organas will turn you in.”

Leia rolled her eyes and muttered, “I’d help dispose of a Hutt.”

Ben let out a bark of laughter and grinned incredulously at his mother. “Seriously?”

She nodded and gestured Rey into position. “Damn right I would.”

He narrowed his eyes at her as she started the process of unwrapping Rey’s feet. “No, you wouldn’t.”

Leia’s brows lifted, but her hands didn’t stop their work. “You calling your mother a liar?”

“No,” he said. “But it’s easy to say you would in a hypothetical. No, I think you’d pull every string you have to get it ruled self defense.”

Leia pursed her lips, then nodded. “You know me too well.”

“If you want bodies hidden, dad and I are where it’s at.”

Leia did glance at him, then. “You’re just as law-abiding as I am.”

Rey lifted a finger, drawing Leia’s attention. “I’m the hypothetical murderer.”

“ _Oh_.” Leia went back to her work. “That makes sense, then.”

“And Chewie and Lando would help, obviously,” Ben added.

Leia frowned. “Chewie, yes. I don’t know about Lando.”

Ben cocked his head. “You think he wouldn’t?”

“He would, but there’d have to be something in it for him. _Quid pro quo_.”

Ben looked thoughtful. “Good to know.”

“Chewbacca and your father would do it because Rey is family.”

Rey’s heart did a funny little flip. “I am?”

Both Ben and Leia looked at her, then at each other, then back at her.

“Yes,” Leia said slowly. “Of course you are.” After a moment, she finished rinsing Rey's cuts and started blotting them dry with clean gauze. “Even after you go to MIT, I’m going to call and nag you about eating right and coming home for the holidays.” She glanced up, her brown eyes mischievous. “And you’re far easier to deal with than that one was.” She jerked her head at Ben.

Rey took the excuse to glance at him, still channel surfing. He looked calmer than he had when they'd been talking about the Hutts.

“She’s not wrong,” he said. “I was an asshole.”

“You had issues,” Leia replied gently.

“My issues had issues. Especially after Snoke.”

Leia winced, then glanced cautiously at Rey. Rey gazed right back, only belatedly realizing that Leia was trying to figure out if Ben had told her about Snoke yet.

“Well,” Leia finally replied, “you’re much less of an asshole now.”

Ben smirked. “Thanks.”

“You know what I mean.”

Ben caught Rey’s eye, sharing the joke, and she felt warm all the way through, like sunshine had dipped down through her skin and into her soul.

“You guys want to play Scrabble?” he asked, back to idly flipping channels.

“Your father will be back with dinner soon.”

He shrugged. “After?”

Leia’s brows rose as she reapplied bandages to Rey’s feet. “You’re not going home after?”

His jaw shifted, but he shrugged again. “It's the weekend. I can stay for a while.”

“Okay, then,” Leia said, finishing her work and picking up the used supplies. “Go get the board out. We can at least get a game started.”

Ben turned the TV off and obliged, setting it up on the coffee table.

“So... you’re staying?” Rey asked, her heart picking up speed.

Ben didn’t look at her, but she thought he turned a little pink. “Might as well.” He glanced at her wheelchair. “You want help out of that?”

Rey opened her mouth to decline — they would just be heading to the kitchen when Han got back — but stopped herself and nodded instead, remembering that she was getting out of the chair on Monday. She wouldn’t have an excuse to make him put his arms around her anymore after that.

She focused on every aspect of the way he knelt and slipped his arms around her, one under her knees, making sure he caught enough of her skirt that it wouldn’t gape when he lifted her, and the other around her back. She tangled her hands behind his neck, and it seemed as if time slowed and their breathing synchronized as the muscles in his shoulders flexed and he lifted. He was always careful with her, but just then Rey thought he maybe took a little extra time to hold her close against his chest.

Rey wanted to kiss the exposed hollow of his throat where he’d undone the buttons at his collar. It was right there in front of her, and the yearning made her drop her face against his shirt, cling to him tighter, and take a shuddering breath. “I don’t want you to stay away,” she whispered, the words leaving her raw and exposed.

She felt a touch against her hair, then a puff of warm air. His nose. “I don’t want to, either,” he admitted, his voice low and right there in her ear, making her skin tingle and her hopes rise. He settled her gently onto the couch and added, “But I’ve learned to trust my therapist.”

Rey felt her face fall, and she saw him leaning over her, his cheeks flushed. He squeezed her shoulder as he straightened, the touch almost a caress, bare skin on bare skin, and Rey caught her breath, distracted again.

She could almost imagine a hint of longing as he gazed down at her.

But then Leia returned, and the connection between them broke. Ben continued setting up the game, and Rey was left to catch her breath on the couch.

Leia gathered the clean gauze and bottle of wound wash to put them away. “Rey, why don’t you be on Ben’s team? He can use the help.”

Ben laughed softly. “True enough.”

Was it wishful thinking that his voice sounded rougher?

Probably.

Rey tried not to let her worries leak into her smile. “Sounds good.”

When Leia returned, she sat in a chair and accepted the letter tiles Ben handed her, setting her tile rack up on the table beside her. After a moment, she stood. “I’m going to get my glasses,” she told them, then pointed at Ben and swiveled to Rey. “I’ll know if you cheat.”

Rey laughed, and Ben smiled.

He pushed the table closer to where Rey sat and picked up their own tile rack, carefully bringing it over and sitting beside her, his weight dipping the cushion so she couldn’t stop her thigh from pressing against his. “Okay, strategy,” he said. “We should shoot for the bonus squares as often as possible. She’s got a vocabulary you wouldn’t believe, but we can pull ahead if we get to those spots first.”

Rey nodded and brushed up on the rules, trying to ignore the heat of him against her side. Ben easily fell into the role of instructor, still giving her pointers when Leia returned.

“There are a few easy words to get rid of annoying letters. X-I, which is a letter in the Greek alphabet. It uses your extra Xs. And Q-I, which is that whole yoga lifeforce shit.”

“Language,” Leia murmured, straightening her letters and moving them around on her rack.

He rolled his eyes. “Please. Like you never curse.”

“I am a lady, Benjamin,” she replied primly. “And as a lady, I’ll give you two the first turn.”

They looked at their rack together, and Ben moved a few letters around, his brows furrowed in concentration. Rey’s concentration, on the other hand, was shot from having him so close.

They played “fight” and got double points on the F.

Leia smirked and branched five letters off of their F.

“That is not ladylike,” Ben informed her dryly.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He gave her a look. “I’m going to put ‘mother’ in front of that and then you’re going to be pissed.”

Leia threw back her head and laughed. She wiped at her eyes with her fingertips and sighed, still smiling. “Ah, but that would just describe your father.”

Ben grimaced. “Jesus _Christ_ , mom.”

Rey couldn’t help herself. She laughed.

Han arrived then with a sack full of burgers and fries, and Ben convinced them all to eat in the living room so they could continue playing.

Han had scowled when he first saw the game, but Rey watched his eyes crinkle and a laugh force its way out when he looked closer and noticed what word Leia had played.

“You can be on mom’s team,” Ben said with a crooked grin.

Han bent and kissed his wife. “I’m always on your mother’s team.”

Leia, who was smiling with her hand on Han’s cheek, said, “Damn right.”

“Not in front of the impressionable children,” Ben told them.

Rey shrugged. “I think it’s sweet.”

“I was talking about _me_ ,” he grumbled.

They all laughed, and Rey, because he was right there beside her, bumped him affectionately with her shoulder. The smile he gave her made her warm all the way to her toes.

Was this what having a soulmate was _supposed_ to be like?

He held up their rack of tiles, drawing Rey’s attention to it as Han pulled out the burgers. “Tell me what you see.”

She leaned forward, studying the possible letter combinations. They’d had to take five new tiles after putting down “fight” and now she poked a few into a different order, knowing her pathetic little “lines” probably wasn’t the best they could do.

He examined the board and their tile rack, dark eyes flicking back and forth. After a moment, his mouth stretched into a grin. “Oh, I just thought of one.” He rearranged the letters on their rack and Rey covered her mouth to muffle her laugh. “If we play it above Mom’s E, we can reach that double word bonus, easy.” He looked down at her. “Yeah?”

Rey nodded. “Yeah. Do it.”

Ben grinned and grabbed the five tiles, setting them up to terminate on Leia’s E. When he sat back, Leia gave him a dirty look. “Senile,” he told her cheerfully.

He set their rack down and drew five new tiles, then accepted his food from Han. The burgers were wrapped in foil and the fries practically filled the plain brown paper sack. Rey found herself in nirvana when she started eating.

“Oh my God, this is so good,” she said around a mouthful of beef.

Ben tilted his head in acknowledgement. “It’s no sushi, but.”

“Better than sushi,” Han muttered.

Ben rolled his eyes, but they were all too busy eating to argue.

After they finished dinner and a game that was more companionable than competitive, Han suggested a movie. Rey glanced hopefully at Ben, who saw her looking and nodded.

“Sure,” he said.

“Anyone want popcorn?” Leia asked, rising to put the game away. She’d scraped a win, though Rey suspected she’d gone easy on them for Rey’s sake. Ben had certainly seemed more concerned with making Rey feel included than defeating his mother.

Rey eagerly raised her hand high, and Ben nodded.

“Han?” Leia asked.

“Of course,” he replied, already scrolling through movie options.

Rey was aware of a pressure starting in her bladder, so she bent forward and tugged her wheelchair closer, locking the wheel so she could climb into it.

Ben stood and locked the other, then scooped her up and settled her in. It was quicker than last time, but he held her close again, and she caught a scent, something rich and spicy that had faded enough that she could only catch it when she was very close to him. He wasn't the type to wear cologne, so she assumed it was something simple like aftershave or deodorant or maybe his shampoo.

She bit back the inane urge to tell him he smelled nice and instead unlocked her wheels and backed up, looking forward to being able to walk again at least so going to the bathroom wouldn’t be a chore anymore.

When she returned with an empty bladder and her pajamas on, Leia and Han were bickering about what to watch. Telltale popping noises drifted from the kitchen with the unmistakable scent of microwave popcorn, and Ben hopped up to help her back onto the couch. He took the seat on the opposite side, giving her plenty of room, and set his feet up on the coffee table. Rey wished he’d sit closer, like he had during the game, but was afraid to ask. She didn’t want to accidentally push him away after all the ground they’d gained.

Instead, she joined the debate over the movie. When Ben and Han learned she’d never seen “The Usual Suspects,” they agreed she had to watch it.

“Why can’t you boys ever pick a romance?” Leia griped mildly, returning with two bags of popcorn, a third spitting along in the humming microwave.

“‘Usual Suspects’ is amazing, and you know it,” Ben replied, handing the bag Leia passed him to Rey, who immediately opened it and grabbed a handful. As she chewed, she saw Ben toss a look at her, shake his head, and smirk.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he replied.

She nudged him with one of her bulky feet. “What?”

He smiled and shook his head again. “Just you,” he said affectionately.

Rey was relieved that human beings couldn’t spontaneously combust from blushing. She definitely wore a stupid smile, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. Instead, she stuffed more popcorn into her mouth, and he didn’t attempt to follow up on the comment.

Leia turned down the lights once they’d all settled in with their popcorn and drinks. She and Han sat in big comfortable chairs closer to the screen, leaving Rey and Ben effectively behind them on opposite ends of the couch.

The movie was engaging, but Rey found herself distracted by the knowledge that Ben was right there, close enough to reach out and touch.

She imagined moving to sit beside him, maybe lean against his arm. He'd glance at her in surprise, then lift his arm and tuck it around her, letting her burrow against his warmth and rest her head against him. They'd watch the movie together for a bit, and he would relax and rub his cheek on her hair, resting his head on hers.

And then, as the string tying her heart to his pulled taut and his heart beat just a little faster than normal under her ear, she would turn her face up. His dark eyes would glint in the light from the TV, a frown on his mouth, his eyes flicking from her gaze to her lips and back. Leaning against him, she would be able to feel his breath quicken and his heart thud, but he would wait for her to raise her head and press her lips to his and then, _oh_ , he would let out a shaky breath before kissing her tentatively back, careful not to scare her.

It would be gentle but intense, and his hands wouldn’t come into it at all, only his lips against hers.

Rey would pull away only when the discomfort of keeping her neck unnaturally angled became too intense, and he would gaze down at her with a swollen mouth and hungry eyes.

Perhaps he would adjust so he could lean over her and take her mouth more thoroughly, but more likely he would place a lingering kiss on her forehead and tuck her back against his side to finish the movie, bound to her by stolen intimacy and exposed by the hammering of his heart under her cheek.

And Rey would smile a secret, happy smile.

But.

None of that happened.

She didn't move closer, and he didn't wrap an arm around her, and nobody got kissed until their toes curled.

They watched the movie.

And she watched him leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellie (L3) went back into her flower shop and bullied her poor customer into picking out a bouquet of sunflowers because she thought his choice of roses was unoriginal.
> 
> The real Veers was a general of the Imperial Army, so I made this version of him very strict. Lusica, who is based off a [First Order officer](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Lusica_Stynnix), has kind of a snooty well-off family full of assholes. Also, Lusica has become a much bigger character than I ever intended for her to be. *shrug*
> 
> I have Leia's past with Mr. J. Hutt all mentally laid out, but it didn't make it into the story. She turned 18, decided to rebel a little, and thought she'd be safe at a wild/lavish Hutt party because of her family, but she was wrong. She got into a bad situation at the party that probably included a degrading bikini and definitely included Mr. J. Hutt making an unwanted offer because he thought it would be a feather in his cap to debauch a girl from a powerful family. Han and Luke snuck in and got her out. Nothing worse happened to her than in the SW movies.


	22. Apart

Saturday evening found Rey in Rose’s living room, the two of them in pajamas as Rose tried to put Rey’s hair up in some elaborate braid while Paige gave pointers from the couch behind them. Rey’s wheelchair sat off in a corner. She could sit on the floor with Rose without hurting her feet.

“So tell me,” said Rose, “what’s the deal with you and Thomas?”

Rey had just finished telling the sisters about a conversation she’d had with Thomas Thanisson earlier that day, when she'd been doing everything she could to ignore how Han left the house to meet up with Ben at the airport and left Rey behind. They’d mostly talked about school and homework. Thomas went to a different school, so they didn’t have any overlapping homework or teachers, but Rey still found the conversation easy and interesting.

He had laughed and called it “ironic” when Rey said she was weak in English. He had admitted to being bad at math. He’d then told her about an English paper he had to finish for Friday, and Rey had been surprised to find his topic engaging.

“We’re friends,” Rey told Rose, wincing as a bobby pin jabbed her scalp.

Rose jabbed another pin in. “And?”

Rey shrugged. “And he gets what it's like to live in a foreign country.”

“Do you like him, though?”

“He’s nice,” Rey admitted. “But I… um.”

“You like your soulmate,” Paige said softly.

Rey felt her face heat. “Yeah.” Then, because it was just the two girls and they were soulmates and neither was the type to gossip, she said, “More than like, actually.”

“It’s so hard for me to imagine,” Rose said with a final pat to Rey’s hair. “I mean, he’s so… _teachery_.”

Rey laughed. “Well, sure, when he’s teaching.”

Rose shrugged noncommittally and handed Rey a mirror to look at her hair. Rose had put it up in a braid crown that was decidedly lopsided. It seemed that hair was not Rose’s forte. “I guess he must be different with you. I mean, you see him a lot, right?”

“He comes to dinner every day. Except this weekend. He’s taking a ‘mental health weekend.’” She couldn’t quite keep the bitterness out of her voice.

Paige smiled gently. “That sounds like a good thing.”

“For him,” Rey agreed. Then she sighed. “I’m happy that he’s doing it, but I’m also _miserable_ that he’s doing it. You know?”

“Actually, yeah,” said Rose, settling with her back to Rey, clearly expecting Rey to style her hair. “When Paige went to tour her college for next year, it was awful.”

“She kept texting me,” Paige said with a smile. “I finally had to mute my phone.”

“Was it annoying?” Rey asked softly, running the brush over her friend’s silky black hair.

“After a while, yeah,” Paige said. “But that’s because I had things I needed to do, not because I didn’t want to talk.” Rose tossed a grimace over her shoulder, and Paige shrugged. The older girl was leaning against a pile of throw pillows with her bare feet tucked up beside her on the couch. “It seems to work best if you both have things to do at the same time,” Paige said. “If one of you is busy and the other isn’t, it…”

“Feels like a rejection,” Rey finished for her.

Rose, in front of her, nodded. “Exactly.”

“It’s also good to schedule a time when you _will_ talk, so you both know when that will be.”

“Something to look forward to,” Rose added.

“And you’ll be able to make your own plans to keep busy,” said Paige. “Like coming over here or talking to Thomas.”

Rey nodded thoughtfully, setting the brush down. “I could catch up with Finn. Probably ought to. We’ve both been so busy…”

Rose grinned sheepishly over her shoulder. “Sorry about that.”

Rey smiled and took Rose’s hair into her hands. She didn’t have much experience playing with hair, but she could braid, so she did. When she finished, Paige made them turn so she could take a picture with her phone.

“Adorable,” she declared. “I’ll send it to you.”

Rose started picking up the hair pins she’d left scattered on the carpet, and Rey pulled her knees to her chest.

“Do you think it’s possible to be in love at our age?” she asked softly.

Rose looked up from her work, and Paige looked up from her phone.

“Yeah,” said Rose, sitting back on her heels. “Absolutely.”

Paige’s gaze was sympathetic. “Your soulmate?”

Rey ducked her head. “Yes.”

Rose sighed and went back to picking things up. “That’s one thing that having a sibling soulmate makes harder. Nobody actually wants to be with someone who’s already found their soulmate. They’re hoping for… I don’t know… that perfect match. You know?”

Rey nodded. She could definitely imagine. Especially in her lower moments, when she wondered what she would do if she had to find someone else and just be friends with Ben. To Rose, she said, “If Finn gives you a hard time about it, I’ll kick his ass.”

Rose grinned at that.

“I’m sure he’ll be okay with it,” said Paige. “And if he’s not, I’m here for you.”

Rose smiled at her sister. “I know. And I love you. But I also want to have sex someday.”

Rey laughed and then sighed wistfully. “ _Yes_.”

Rose cocked her head at Rey. “You should tell him.”

Rey’s eyes went wide and she blushed. “What?”

Her friend waved a hand. “Not that you want to have sex with him. That you love him.” Rose was nodding to herself now, liking the idea. “You should tell him on your birthday. That’s in a couple weeks, right?”

Rey held up two fingers. “Two,” she admitted.

“There you go. Tell him the day you turn seventeen.” She frowned, then asked, “He does like girls, right?”

Blushing, Rey nodded. “Yeah. I, um… I asked.”

Rose stared at her, then burst out laughing. “Oh my God. You asked Mr. Solo if he liked girls?! I would _pay_ to have seen that.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “I asked if he was gay, and it was the most awkward conversation of my life.” But she was smiling in spite of herself. Rose’s laughter made the memory a little less mortifying.

“Okay,” said Rose, still chuckling, “if he’s straight, then he absolutely won’t be able to resist you. You’re gorgeous.”

Rey blushed again. “If anyone in this room is gorgeous, it’s Paige. I’m cute at best.”

“ _I’m_ cute,” Rose insisted. “You’re _at least_ pretty.”

Paige nodded. “You _are_ really pretty.” She cast a sidelong glance at Rose, her tone indicating that this was an old argument. “And so are _you_.”

Rose rolled her eyes at Rey. “She likes to keep my self-esteem up. But yeah, Paige is the hottest girl in any room. It’d be obnoxious if she weren’t so nice.” She cast a teasing grin at her sister, and it was Paige’s turn to roll her eyes.

Rey bit her lip. “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

“He will,” Rose said at the same time Paige said, “He might not.”

The sisters shared a look. Rose glowered pointedly, but Paige continued, “We can’t tell you how he feels, because we don’t know. It’s _possible_ he won’t ever be interested in you like that. It would be _unusual_ , him being a straight male with a straight female soulmate — you are, yes?” Rey nodded, and Paige nodded back. “But it’s certainly possible.”

Rey’s bottom lip wanted to tremble. “I think you’re supposed to be making me feel better, not worse.”

Paige’s look wasn’t unkind. “I’m not going to lie to you,” she replied gently. “Personally, I think it’s more likely he isn’t interested because of your age and that things will change down the line. I’m not saying that because it’s what you want to hear, it’s just statistically more likely. The worst case is _possible_ , but not probable.”

“So… I’m too young?” Rey asked, latching onto the proffered hope.

The twinkle in Paige’s eye told Rey she wasn’t fooled. “ _Possibly_. I’m nineteen, and sixteen is too young for me. And he’s old enough to have been teaching while I was still in school.”

Rey considered that. “What about seventeen?”

Paige pursed her lips and thought about it. “I could do seventeen. But, again, I’m not him.”

Rey sighed. She wanted easy answers, and Paige wasn’t giving her any.

No one could.

No one but Ben.

“He cares about you.”

It wasn’t a question, but Rey nodded anyway. She remembered the way he’d taken care of her after she’d hurt her feet at Plutt’s, and his face when he’d said he’d kill anyone who hurt her. She’d thought about that a lot afterward, and it still sent a thrill through her. “He does.”

Paige nodded. “Even if he doesn’t feel the same way as you, he won’t make you feel bad for being in love with him.”

Somehow, that was worse than the idea of absolute rejection. Tears welled in her eyes, and Rose wrapped her arms around Rey's shoulders.

Paige slid onto the floor on Rey’s other side and rubbed her back. “Sorry.”

Rey gave a watery sniffle. “It’s fine.”

“For what it’s worth,” Paige said, transferring her soothing touch to Rey’s hair, “he’d be an idiot not to love you, and I will be very surprised if he’s anything but happy to hear that you love him.”

Rey scrubbed the heel of her hand across her eyes. “I don’t know if I can tell him.”

“Just do what feels right.” Paige’s hand dropped to Rey’s shoulder, and she squeezed, the gesture comforting. “If that means not saying anything, then you don’t have to.”

Rey looked at Rose, who nodded, her dark eyes shining with sympathy, and Rey sniffled again. Paige went to grab a tissue, and Rose gave Rey one more squeeze before letting go.

Rose ducked her head to meet Rey's eyes. “Better?”

Rey nodded, accepting the tissue from Paige and blowing her nose. “A little.”

Paige smiled. “I think it’s brownie time.”

Rose grinned and hopped up. “Yes!”

The three of them were elbow-deep in brownie batter and too much candy when Rose and Rey both got a text from Lusica asking for their shirt sizes. Rey, whose hands were the least messy, replied for both of them and asked why Lusica needed them.

_Jess said I could order our shirts. You like the color blue?_

“Rose, do you like blue?”

Rose grabbed a gummy worm and dangled it into her mouth. “Yep.”

 _Yes._ After a moment, she typed out, _You’re not still thinking about the Hutts, are you?_

Three dots appeared while Lusica typed. _I talked to Jess again, and she said no. We have enough without them, anyway._

Rey chewed on her bottom lip. _You’ll stay away?_

 _Yes, mom._ Then more dots. _I don’t get what everyone’s so worried about, but I’m not going to piss off the club president AND faculty sponsor AND our biggest donor. I’m not stupid._

Rey let out a relieved breath.

Rose tossed her a look from where she watched Paige pour the brownie batter into the baking pan. “Everything good?”

Rey nodded and put her phone away. “Yeah. Good.”

They shoved the brownies in the preheated oven and tried to decide what movie to watch. Paige didn’t have a preference, so Rose suggested they watch a robot-themed movie in honor of the club getting all its funding, but Rey didn’t know many robot movies.

Rose wound up digging through their packed TV cabinet for DVDs. “Dad has a bunch of sci fi movies from the eighties. ‘Short Circuit,’ ‘Batteries Not Included,’ ‘Flight of the Navigator,’ ‘Terminator,’ ‘Blade Runner,’ all of that old stuff. And then I have ‘Wall-E’ and ‘Big Hero 6.’”

“Here,” said Paige, tugging more movies from the packed mess. “We also have ‘Transformers,’ ‘Pacific Rim,’ and ‘Real Steel.’”

“I come by my love of robots honestly,” Rose said with a grin and a shrug as she passed the stack of movies over to Rey. “Here, you pick.”

Rey read the backs. She vaguely remembered seeing part of ‘Short Circuit’ on TV when she was a kid, but the newer movies interested her more. She had gone with Finn to see “Pacific Rim 2” in theaters even though Rey had never watched the first one.

Tempting as all the choices were, she chose “Real Steel.” Something about the idea of a down-on-his-luck boxer bonding with his son over a robot appealed to her. And it had nothing to do, she told herself, with the punching bag she’d noticed in Han and Leia’s garage, the one Leia said was Ben’s.

So they watched ‘Real Steel,’ and Rey found out that Rose liked to make jokes during movies. She had Rey and Paige giggling, and when the kitchen timer went off they stopped to get the brownies and soda. They’d already been stuffing themselves with more candy, but Rose insisted that they pop some popcorn and mix the candy into it to get the _full_ movie night effect.

Even Rey had to admit it was too much food, but she wasn’t complaining as they started the movie back up.

When the lead actor, who had dark hair and pale skin like Ben, shadow boxed in the final fight, and his kid’s eyes filled with proud tears, Rey stuffed her mouth with sweet and salty and dripped tears of her own, an absolute soggy mess.

Paige leaned over from the couch to hand her a tissue, and Rey mopped at her face.

She felt a pang the way she always did when the father and son, once estranged, hugged and cemented their new closeness. She'd always thought that would be her some day if she only waited patiently and kept hope alive. The part of her that believed her parents would come back had been getting smaller and smaller recently, now only a pinpoint of light in her heart. She didn’t know if she’d ever be willing to entirely give up on her them, but stories like this, where a parent and child joyfully reunited? It used to make that part of her glow, but now… now it stung.

She wished she could talk to Ben about it, but he wasn’t around, didn’t _want_ to be around, and she didn’t want to burden Rose or Paige with her insecurities. So she smiled and said it was good and agreed that they should watch “Wall-E” next.

Rey cried during this movie as well, but at least it didn’t make the parentless part of her ache the way the previous one had.

It was past midnight by the time “Wall-E” ended, and Rose’s mom had come out twice to tell them to keep it down. Paige bade them goodnight and retreated to her room to fall into bed, and Rey brushed her teeth with Rose in the bathroom. The Ticos had set out a sleeping bag for Rey in Rose’s room along with a spare pillow, and Rey yawned as she crawled into it.

And then couldn’t sleep.

The lights were off, and Rose's breathing quickly steadied and deepened, but Rey couldn't turn off thoughts of Ben.

She hated it. She was strong and smart and independent, so why did he keep creeping into her thoughts at every turn? Why couldn’t she keep him from getting to her?

She pressed her face into her borrowed pillow, frustrated.

She couldn’t help obsessing over whether he’d gone to his parents’ house for dinner after Leia had dropped her off at Rose’s. She hadn’t thought about it during dinner except in passing, which made her appreciate Paige’s claim that keeping busy made separation easier to bear, but now it tortured her.

Dinner with the Ticos had been fun, though, and Rey couldn’t regret the time she’d spent with them. Mr. Tico had laughed indulgently when Rose got too excited telling a story, and Paige had smiled while Mrs. Tico worked to maintain order in front of their guest.

And Mrs. Tico had actually _cooked_ , which was a nice change from all the takeout Rey got at Han and Leia’s.

First thing on her list after she got out of her wheelchair? Making the Solos dinner.

She told herself it was because she wanted to thank Han and Leia for everything, that it had nothing to do with wanting to show off in front of Ben, but she knew she was lying.

She desperately wanted to impress Ben.

She pulled the pillow over her head and called herself pathetic until she fell asleep.

* * *

Sunday morning, Rey woke to the smell of pancakes after a night tossing and turning with dreams of Ben.

One of those dreams had involved kissing, but the final one had been about her cooking a pot of gummy worms while Ben insisted he couldn't eat them if they had gluten. She'd thrown the pot at him and still felt irritated as she wiggled out of the sleeping bag, careful not to disturb Rose, and tried to get into her chair and to the bathroom without waking her friend.

Somehow, she managed, but it wasn't because she was quiet. It was because Rose rolled over and shoved her pillow over her head with an annoyed grunt when Rey bumped into the door.

Right, okay. Rose was _not_ a morning person.

The Ticos had a modest house by Solo standards, but it was more than enough by Rey’s. Rose and Paige each had their own room, and Rey figured the house had two bathrooms because Rose and Paige shared this one but none of their parents’ things were in there.

Plutt and Maz had both had only one bathroom.

Really, the glut of bathrooms at Leia's house was far too much. They had _five_. One in the master bedroom, one in Ben's room, one in the guest room Rey was in, one upstairs that she'd seen in passing, and one for guests downstairs.

It was ridiculous. Bathrooms should not outnumber people.

When Rey finished in the bathroom, she rolled her way to the kitchen and found the source of the delicious pancake smell. Mrs. Tico stood at the stove in capris and a grey t-shirt, a spatula in her hand and a bowl of batter at her elbow.

“Good morning,” Mrs. Tico said, glancing over her shoulder with a smile. “You’re up early. My girls don’t usually show their faces until ten on the weekend.”

Rey shrugged and smiled back at her. “I’m an early riser.”

 _Powered by sunshine_ , came the ghost of Ben’s voice.

She pushed the intrusive memory away, refusing to obsess over him just then. He’d dominated her thoughts at night, when there had been nothing to distract her, but by God she wouldn’t let him take her entire day, too. She wasn’t going to turn into some sniveling spineless moron pining over a boy so much that it ruined every other thing in her life.

Mrs. Tico kept Rey company, feeding her pancakes and smiling at her appetite. Rey tried to channel Leia and eat like a human being, but she had mixed success. Mrs. Tico didn't seem to mind.

“You know, I haven’t seen you since that soulmate business. Rose told us about it — your English teacher, wasn’t it?”

Rey nodded, mouth full of pancake. She swallowed. “Yeah.”

Mrs. Tico nodded too. “I think I met him once, briefly. Paige and Rose have never needed many student-teacher conferences.” She looked thoughtful and flipped a pancake. “I remember a few members of the PTA went to talk to him after they heard about the two of you.”

Rey stared at Mrs. Tico, who frowned and flipped a second pancake. “What?”

Mrs. Tico glanced over, her frown switching to something sympathetic. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“But—”

Mrs. Tico stepped over to put a hand on Rey’s shoulder. “It’s adult business. Don't worry about it.”

Rey cringed under the patronizing tone but didn’t argue. She liked Mrs. Tico. She was smaller than Finn’s mom, quieter, but just as strong. Paige had helped pay the bills during Mr. Tico's illness, but Mrs. Tico had been the backbone of the family. She'd kept them together.

It was half an hour and a large stack of pancakes later before Paige showed up, yawning and pouring herself a mug of coffee. “How can you look so awake?” she muttered as she slumped into the chair across from Rey.

Rey shrugged.

_Powered by sunshine._

Rose dragged herself into the kitchen a little later, and the morning was slow and easy until Han arrived to pick Rey up.

“Have fun, kid?” he asked after she and her wheelchair were loaded into the Falcon and he’d pulled out onto the road.

Rey ran her thumb back and forth along the edge of her seatbelt and smiled to herself. Despite her obsessive thoughts of Ben, it _had_ been fun. “Yeah.”

Han nodded. “Good.”

* * *

The scent of smoke and cooking meat met Rey when she exited her room with damp hair and fresh clothes a few hours later. She wheeled to the back patio, where Han stood beside Chewie at the grill, a beer in his hand as the taller man flipped burgers.

Leia greeted Rey with a hug, a soda sitting beside a glass on the table. Leia always drank her sodas from a glass, claiming it tasted better that way. If it were later in the evening, the drink might have given off the faintest hint of alcohol and molasses, but just then Rey didn’t smell anything but the grill, the yard, and Leia’s perfume.

Leia guided Rey to the table. Someone had made room for Rey’s wheelchair. “Lando will be here soon. There are a few things he needs to go over with you.”

Rey frowned. “What kinds of things?”

“Legal things. About your future.”

Rey remained pensive until Lando arrived. She nursed a soda, having learned through trial and error not to hydrate too fast since bathroom breaks were so obnoxious.

Lando greeted Leia first, bowing over her hand with flowery compliments, then the two men by the grill. Han offered him a beer, and Lando accepted graciously.

Lando sat between Rey and Leia at the table, and Leia motioned Han over.

“I have good news,” Lando said, leaning back in his chair and straightening his cream silk waistcoat with a tug. “Unkar Plutt and his people have taken plea deals. The man who attacked you is sentenced to five years for conspiracy and assault, and Unkar has three years for charges of child maltreatment, specifically physical and supervisory neglect, and criminal charges of conspiracy and extortion. He has the possibility of parole in six months.”

Leia’s face twisted with disgust. “That’s unacceptable.”

Lando shrugged. “That’s the price for making sure Rey doesn’t have to testify.” His gaze on Rey was uncomfortably canny. “He’s a felon now. And he will _never_ be allowed to foster another child. Nor will I let your restraining orders against him and his people expire.”

Rey’s breathing steadied as she thought about that. That was good. That was a positive. “Okay,” she said softly, nodding. “Okay.”

Lando pulled his notepad from the briefcase beside him. “Now. You have a few options for what happens next. You’re still in the foster system, of course, but Ben has petitioned on your behalf to let you stay here until we can get the requisite paperwork in order. To that end, I have a temporary guardianship agreement I need you to sign. It will allow Han and Leia to legally handle your affairs for the next six months.”

Rey nodded again, flushing and accepting the paper. She hadn’t known Ben had done that. She glanced at Leia, who nodded, and took her time looking over the document. Han, Leia, and Ben had signed at the bottom. Lando had highlighted where Rey needed to sign, and she carefully added her name by theirs.

“Thank you,” he said, accepting the document from Rey. “Now, Han and Leia have been going through the process of registering as foster parents so that you can stay here permanently after the temporary guardianship expires.”

Rey’s head snapped up, and Leia nodded and smiled. Han looked away, his lips pressing together in embarrassment.

“They’re also willing, if you wish, to start adoption proceedings.”

Something deep in Rey twisted, and her eyes went wide. A combination of joy and terror tore through her, leaving her dizzy. Han and Leia wanted her, but _Ben_. She couldn’t have Ben as her _brother_. And… what if her parents came back?

Leia leaned in to place a hand on Rey’s. “Only if it’s something you want. All of this is up to you. I didn’t think you would be interested, but you should know it’s on the table.”

Lando nodded, going back to his notepad. “Next option is emancipation.”

Rey’s head came up at that, and Lando smiled.

“I thought that might interest you. You’d be able to enter into contracts, find work, and live alone.” He smiled again. “The process isn’t quick, it would take four to six months, but none of these options are quick.”

Rey licked her dry lips. “Are there… any others?”

“Absolutely. You can always speak to your case worker about finding another foster home in the area. You obviously don’t have to stay with the Solos.” He frowned at his legal pad and uncrossed his legs. “I’ve spoken with Ben about alternatives from his end. He’s unwilling to take on a guardian role and feels that the best course of action is for you to remain in Han and Leia’s care.”

Rey couldn’t help the little noncommittal, “Oh,” that escaped her lips. She blinked and realized they were all looking at her. Unsettled, she cleared her throat. “Is that all?”

“Yes indeed,” Lando replied, putting his things away. “You should take a few days to think about your options and let me know what sounds good.”

“Emancipation,” she replied quickly. “Emancipation sounds good.”

The three adults shared smiles, as if they’d been expecting that answer.

“Alright,” said Lando, easing his case shut. “I’ll get the paperwork ready. But if you change your mind, there will be plenty of time before anything is finalized.”

Rey nodded, but she wouldn’t. The lure of independence was too strong for her to have considered any of the other options for more than a moment. Only an offer from Ben might have swayed her, but even then… she probably would have gone with emancipation anyway.

She didn’t want to owe anyone.

Chewie served the food soon after, and Lando stayed to eat. Rey wondered why anyone would wear a suit that expensive with barbecue in his hands, but he didn’t get a drop on all that lovely fabric.

The bit of her that hoped Ben would change his mind and show up held out until bedtime, and then it withered into nothing in her chest and left her with a hollow ache as she tried to get to sleep.

* * *

Monday, Rey went through her first classes in a daze, constantly fighting the urge to swing by the English hallway. It wasn’t like he’d be alone. He had classes. And Rey wasn’t exactly inconspicuous in her wheelchair.

So she resisted and resisted, forcing herself to focus on learning until lunch, when Leia was planning to pick her up for her “let me out of this damn chair” doctor’s appointment.

But instead of going straight to the office, as her friends expected after she waved goodbye, she wheeled toward Ben’s classroom.

Her heart was beating too fast, too hard, but she couldn’t wait until that evening to see him. She _couldn’t_. She’d been going crazy all weekend.

When she reached the classroom door, she found it closed. She wondered if he had a student in there with him, debated turning around and leaving. She couldn’t peek inside to see because of a section of paper he’d put up over the small window at the beginning of the school year.

But her need to see him was stronger than her sense of shame. She knocked and heard footsteps before the door opened enough for Ben to peer down at her with a frown, reading glasses perched on his big nose.

Rey’s chest tightened, and the frown on his face eased as his brows rose. They simply stared at each other for a moment, and then he opened the door the rest of the way. Rey entered, he closed it behind her, and she realized on the next breath that they were, for the first time in a long time, completely alone.

* * *

“I can’t stay long,” were the first words out of her mouth, and Ben nodded, his brain short-circuiting at the sight of her. He returned to the chair behind his desk and turned it so he could face her.

“Did you need something?” he asked.

“No,” she said, eyes on the half-eaten sandwich and cup of coffee on his desk. Then she frowned and said, “Yes. Or… kind of?”

He felt a smile tug at the corners of his mouth.

She narrowed her eyes at him, nose wrinkling. “Don’t laugh at me,” she scolded.

“I’m not laughing,” he replied, his smile deepening. She huffed, and he resisted the urge to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. Instead, he clasped his fingers loosely together between his knees. “What did you need?”

She blinked and glanced away, taking a breath before admitting, “I… missed you.”

Before he could think about it or stop himself, he reached out and took her hand. He held it palm-up and did _not_ rub his thumb across it. It looked small resting on his, and they both stared at it.

He felt his cheeks heat and tore his eyes away to meet hers. She looked up with a flush of her own.

What would a friend say? The truth? Friends were allowed to miss each other. Perhaps they didn’t miss each other in the aching full-body way he’d done his best to ignore all weekend, but he was too desperately relieved to see her to adjust his story to something more subdued. More normal.

So he smiled a self-deprecating smile and admitted, “This weekend fucking sucked.”

Rey let out a deep huff of a laugh. “Oh, thank God. I thought I was going crazy.”

He shook his head, the skin of his face tightening with embarrassment. “If you’re crazy, then so am I.” He released her hand and sat back, rubbing his damp palms against his knees. “If someone had told me how hard it’d be…”

“I think it’s pretty normal,” she said with a thoughtful frown. When he raised a brow, she said, “I… talked to a few people.” She waved the hand he’d held vaguely. “They said it was normal.”

Normal for soulmates to want to be together all the time?

And who exactly had she been talking to?

“Ah,” he said instead of any of the questions skittering across his brain. Then nodded. “Okay. Good to know.”

They sat quietly for a moment, both wrapped in their own thoughts, until she looked at him and frowned. “I heard that some parents gave you a hard time after…” She stopped, swallowed, and gestured between the two of them.

Ben jerked back and narrowed his eyes, distancing himself as anger sparked to life. “Who told you that?”

Rey flinched. “Ah…”

“Rey,” he pressed, jaw tight.

She grimaced. “Mrs. Tico let it slip. She didn’t tell me what happened.” She paused and watched him through narrowed eyes of her own, her mouth setting in a determined line. “So what happened?”

His jaw worked. He’d never had a problem with Thanya Tico, but he might need to have a word with her if she was telling tales.

“Ben,” Rey said, and his gaze snapped to hers. She stared right back and crossed her arms, every inch the stubborn soulmate. Which made sense. He was stubborn, too.

It was the flicker of uncertainty that broke him, an expression he would have missed if he hadn’t been gazing deep into her eyes.

Which was a dumb thing to do in the first place. He blinked and looked away, crossing his own arms irritably. “They were worried I was about to turn into a child molester.”

“What?” The confused tilt of her head and incredulous expression soothed his irritation. “But you… you’re not. You haven’t. You’ve _never_.” She blinked a few times and blushed, and he understood her. He’d never touched her inappropriately. Not once. He felt pride stir beneath the heavier emotions swirling through him.

So far, so good.

He smiled humorlessly. “I’ve dealt with parents like that before. Some of those _exact_ parents, actually. They don’t give a shit about any kid but their own. They weren’t worried about you,” he explained softly, holding his fury back so it wouldn’t frighten her, “they were worried I’d molest _their_ kids.”

Rey swelled with outrage. “But that’s stupid!”

He shrugged, his own anger abating as hers grew. “Parents are irrational. They perceived a threat and attacked.” They hadn’t said as much out loud, but he’d understood their fear clearly enough to be insulted by it. Some of them thought he’d _wanted_ a teenage soulmate, that he already had sexual urges towards teenagers and the universe had delivered. Others thought that finding Rey would _trigger_ those urges in him.

They had been, simply and irrationally, afraid.

A good man might not have blamed them, could have understood that they just wanted to protect their children, could have given them the reassurances they needed.

But Ben was not a good man. He’d fucking torn into them for their presumption. Even though he’d kept his violence contained, he’d used his size to his advantage, towering over the assembled parents and watching their eyes grow wide.

Teenagers were _not_ the only people Ben Solo knew how to intimidate.

To his relief, Rey’s disgust was palpable. Her hands clenched into fists, and she breathed heavily through her nose. He saw her struggle to get control of herself, and then she looked up and saw him watching her.

She straightened and nodded firmly, almost to herself. Then she growled, “I’ll help you bury the bodies.”

Ben burst into surprised laughter and uncrossed his arms.

Rey started to smile, her hazel eyes flashing mischief.

Ben shook his head, still chuckling, and assured her, “Don’t worry. I took care of it.”

She tilted her head. “How?”

She already knew the worst of it. The rest didn’t matter. “I threatened to sue them for harassment and defamation if they ever came near me again or whispered the word ‘pedophile’ anywhere near my name.” He shrugged, hoping the motion might blot out the memory of simmering rage. Usually, his temper burned hot and died out just as fast, but that afternoon his anger had been cold, settling in his chest like a glacier to wear grooves of hate into his heart. However long he lived, he would remember each and every person who had been in that meeting, and he would hold it against them.

For Rey, he fought to remain composed. “Lando agreed we could make a case.”

“Did it work?” She looked so worried, it made him smile.

“My mother is one of the richest, most influential people in town, and I’m a vindictive bastard.” He gave her a moment to let that sink in. “Of _course_ it worked.”

She nodded and clasped her hands in her lap. “Okay.”

The silence swallowed them and he glanced at the clock by the door. “You said you couldn’t stay long?”

She nodded. “Leia’s picking me up for a doctor’s appointment.”

“Right, you’re getting out of the chair today. I almost forgot.”

She nodded firmly, but her smile was weak, and she didn’t move to go. Instead, she looked at her fingers in her lap. One hand picked at the nails on her other. “Right.”

He watched her. “Rey?” She looked up with wet eyes, and Ben, alarmed, reached out and touched her arm. “Rey. What’s wrong?”

Her voice broke. “Can I hug you?”

Ben was taken aback. Was _that_ what had made her cry?

He leaned in and allowed her to put her arms around his shoulders, tucking his own behind her back as she gripped him. The embrace was awkward because she was still sitting and he had to get out of his chair and sink into a half-crouch, but it was wonderful because he’d missed her. He’d missed her like air, and holding her felt amazing.

His arms tightened, jerking her harder against his chest. She gasped into his shoulder, and he let the noise slide away and focused instead on the comfort the embrace provided both of them, the way her trembling relaxed into calm. In a year or two, he’d file things like that little gasp away, but for now… no.

For now, he would enjoy the utter peace of having her in his arms.

 _I love you_ , he thought, squeezing his eyes shut and breathing in the scent of her.

And that was his cue to get her the fuck out of the room.

He released her and rose, returning to his chair as he fought to keep his hands from trembling. “You should get going,” he said with what he hoped was the right tone. Something gentle that wouldn’t give away how much he needed her to leave before he did something stupid like… _propose_ or some shit. Not that he wanted to get married just then or thought she was remotely ready for that kind of thing, but the relief of seeing her after the weekend was so intense it was muddling his brain. “You don’t want to be late.”

She nodded, her smile easier. He could tell she didn’t really want to leave, but she grabbed her chair’s wheels to turn herself around.

He got up to open the door for her and couldn’t help adding, “Good luck,” as she left. He chose not to acknowledge how the blazing grin she threw him in return made his heart thump uncomfortably against his ribs.

He closed the door behind her and leaned against it, breathing heavily. The weekend away was supposed to clear his head, not make him so desperate to be near Rey that he lost his goddamn mind.

He loved her. He’d known it the night his mother had called saying Rey needed him and he’d looked at her, just looked at her, and known he hadn’t wanted to be away from her a second more than he had to for the rest of his life.

He’d managed to avoid putting a name to it, but he’d known, and it had shaken him.

However. Soulmate or not, in love or not, he wasn’t going to take a kid’s virginity.

A little voice pointed out that nobody had to take anyone else’s virginity, they could just get engaged and wait until she was of age. The alarming part was that Ben found himself actually considering it before he realized what he was doing and stopped.

Snoke’s friendship had come with strings. Ben was determined that his friendship would be _exactly_ what Rey needed it to be — real and unconditional. Making a sixteen-year-old — almost seventeen, he reminded himself, remembering that he still needed to order her gift — promise herself to a grown man was one _hell_ of a string.

No. He would do right by her.

Or he’d die trying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Parents are irrational. They perceived a threat and attacked.”
> 
> ^ As a mom, this part was difficult to write, because fear for your kids is stronger than most other kinds of fear. It's easier to get caught up and lose perspective. But it's still wrong to turn into a mob or convict someone without evidence. I hope that I will always acquit myself well as a rational being.


	23. History

When Ben entered his parents’ home that evening, music and the scent of cooking drifted through the house. He toed his shoes off and dropped his bag absently on the closest chair as he walked to the archway that led to the kitchen.

There he stopped, taking the scene in as he loosened his tie.

Rey stood at the stove, crutches leaning against the island behind her and her hair up in a ponytail. His parents hovered to either side of her, peering at something she was stirring, and she was talking to them. Although the radio obscured her words, it was clear she was… _teaching_ them?

Ben brought a hand up to cover his smile.

His soulmate was teaching his parents how to cook.

He rose onto his tiptoes to see what it was she had in the pot. The motion proved to be pointless as she handed a spaghetti noodle to Han and offered another to Leia. His parents ate the noodles, and Rey must have caught him out of the corner of her eye because she whipped her head around to stare at him in surprise.

He lifted a hand in greeting, and she broke into the kind of smile that made the sun come out from behind clouds.

He couldn’t stop himself from grinning back at her.

Or he couldn’t until his mother glanced back at him, and his smile retreated into warm cheeks and a polite nod.

His mother waved him over, and he went, bending so she could kiss his cheek. He flicked a glance at Rey, who was still looking at him but now from close enough to touch. He let his gaze slide away, toward the stove, as he straightened and cleared his throat. “What’s this?”

“Rey’s teaching us how to make spaghetti,” his mother said.

Rey turned and nipped another piece of pasta off her spoon, then held it up to him. “Here, try that.”

He obliged and made a face, having to chew it. “That’s not done,” he said.

Rey beamed as if he’d gotten a correct answer to an oral quiz. Which… perhaps he had? “Exactly.” She turned back to stir the pot again. “Tasting is how you know if it’s ready. Set your timer for the shortest recommended time on the box, and after that keep tasting it. If it’s almost done, taste it every minute. This undercooked, you can give it two or three more minutes before you taste it again.” She tapped the spoon against the pot and set it aside. “Still a little firm is okay, but you _really_ don’t want to overcook it or it’ll turn into mush.”

“Mush bad,” Han agreed.

“Rey also showed us how to cook ground beef,” his mother said with a pointed look up at him. “You could probably learn something here, too.”

“I’ll just have to attend the next lesson,” he replied easily, peering into a large shallow pan full of ground beef and pasta sauce.

“Do you know how to grate cheese?” Rey asked.

He nodded.

“Great! Go grab the parm. There’s a block in the fridge.” She pointed (as if he didn’t know where the fridge was), and added, “And grab me a colander?”

Han asked, “What’s a colander?” and Ben pretended not to be relieved, because he honestly wasn’t sure he was thinking of the right thing.

“A bowl with holes in it,” Rey said.

He _had_ been thinking of the right thing.

“Where would you keep that?” Ben asked his mom.

His mother shrugged. “A cabinet?”

Ben sighed, and the radio decided to blare a commercial just then. His dad turned it down, and Ben raised a finger and asked, “High cabinet?” Pointed it at the floor. “Low?”

“Do I look tall to you?” his mother retorted, and he shrugged and set the cheese on the island to start digging around in the lower cabinets.

He also needed a grater. He was pretty sure his mom had a grater, but the more he looked the more he wondered if she had a colander.

“This is almost done,” Rey said when he finally started looking in the upper cabinets. She handed Han and Leia pieces of spaghetti to try, and Ben accepted the one she dangled at him.

He nodded, chewing as he dug around. It was still too firm, but the center wasn’t hard anymore.

“Ha!” he announced, tugging a colander out of the cabinet over the fridge and brandishing it at his mother. Lower cabinets his ass.

Rey tilted her head and frowned. “Does that still have the _tag_ on it?”

Ben looked down and yes, it did. He glanced at his mother, who shrugged sheepishly, and pulled at the plastic connecting the tag to one of the handles. It wouldn’t budge, so he used his teeth to snap it off.

He waved the colander at Rey. “Where do you want it?”

“Sink, please.”

He set it in the sink and started rooting around for a grater. This was easier, since there were fewer drawers than cabinets in the kitchen, and he found it under a rolling pin and a collection of different-sized whisks.

Rey’s hand intercepted him as he moved back toward the block of cheese, and he accepted the piece of spaghetti she proffered and dropped it into his mouth. His parents already had pieces of their own.

“Good,” he said approvingly, and she nodded and took the pot over to the sink to pour the rest into the colander.

He watched her until she was done, when she lifted the colander by the handles and shook it to drain the pasta thoroughly. His parents watched as well, so he felt like less of a creep.

She then took the full colander and set it on top of the empty pot.

“Plates?” she asked his parents, and his dad went to the proper cabinet — of course, he got the _easy_ job — and set out four large plates.

Ben opened the block of parmesan and looked between it and the grater, realizing he couldn’t just grate a pile onto the counter. His mother handed him a bowl, and he accepted it with a nod of thanks, taking a moment to roll his shirtsleeves up to his elbows. He hated wearing long sleeves but had long ago decided that dress shirts with short sleeves looked stupid.

On him, at least.

* * *

Rey wanted to lick Ben’s forearms.

It was not a surprising realization, given the way those forearms looked as he grated the cheese for dinner, but it _was_ surprising that she’d have that thought with his parents standing right behind her, dishing pasta and sauce onto plates.

By the time they all sat at the table, she’d gotten hold of her libidinous urge — though it was mostly because she was anxious to see if they liked her food. And by “they,” she meant Ben. Leia and Han, too, of course, they'd been amazing and supportive and the absolute _best_ , but a not-insignificant part of her was laser-focused on impressing Ben.

Leia praised her cooking skills after the first bite, and Han grunted and nodded his approval, but Ben took longer to give his verdict. He frowned at his plate, then glanced up at Rey.

“Better than anything I could make,” he said, and even though it wasn’t the dazzled “take me now, you culinary genius” she’d been almost, not quite, but yes kind of imagining, a warm glow filled Rey all the same. He started twirling pasta onto his fork and added, “And _way_ better than pizza.”

Rey snorted and shook her head, amused by his baffling hatred of one of the best foods on the planet. “Well, it’s no sushi,” she replied, and he met her eye and smirked.

It was so warm and amused, that look, that Rey had to jerk her eyes back down to her plate, blushing.

“Your birthday is coming up,” Leia said into the resulting silence, bringing Rey’s scattered thoughts back together. “What would you like to do for it?”

“Do?”

Leia gestured smoothly. “Would you like to have a party? Go somewhere? Eat something in particular? What kind of cake do you like?”

Rey blinked at her. “Um…”

“You’re being a bit much, mom,” said Ben.

Rey tossed him a grateful smile, but he didn’t look up to see it. She didn’t know if that was a compliment to her cooking or if he just didn’t want to look at her.

 _Shut up_ , she told her anxious inner voice. Him not looking at her didn’t mean anything, and she wasn’t going to get hung up on it.

Then he said, “You liked Wicket’s cake, didn’t you?” and the anxious little voice swooned.

Rey wanted to roll her eyes at it. _Oh, for fuck’s sake. So what if he remembers that I liked it? It just means he’s a nice person._

“We could do that,” Leia chimed in, looking from Ben to Rey. “Wicket would be delighted to bake something for your birthday.”

Rey nodded and smiled. “I’d like that.”

Leia beamed. “Great! Is there anything in particular you’d like to do for dinner?”

Rey was at a loss. She shrugged. “I’m going to say not pizza.” She raised a brow at Ben. “Because _some_ people would complain about it.”

“Damn right I would,” he said.

Leia made a face at him before turning back to Rey. “You can have whatever you want, sweetheart. It’s your birthday. If you want pizza, you should get pizza.”

Rey shook her head. She'd just been teasing, but she found she _did_ want something everyone could enjoy. “I honestly don't care. Whatever you guys want to do is good with me.”

Leia frowned. “Well, what’s your favorite food?”

Rey shrugged, feeling awkward. “I don’t really have one?”

They all looked at her, and she felt self-conscious.

“Well,” said Leia slowly, “would you rather eat here or out somewhere?”

“Uhhh,” said Rey blankly.

She watched the adults share a look.

“You have time,” Ben said lightly. “It’s not for another two weeks, right? Talk to your friends, see what everyone might want to do. Arcade, movie, bonfire…”

“Manicures,” added Leia.

“Flying,” said Han.

Rey sat up straighter.

“We have a winner,” said Ben, his eyes glinting amusement.

“I’ll set it up,” said Han. “Chewie and Lando might join. You wanna bring some friends? We could handle, what, three others?”

Rey nodded enthusiastically.

“I’m going to go ahead and tell you your present from me,” said Leia, neatly twirling a few noodles on her fork. “We’re going shopping.”

“Ugh,” said Ben.

“You’re not invited,” Leia pertly informed him. Then she turned back to Rey, who was doing her best to look interested. “We’ll pick up a few wardrobe essentials, but I really want to help you find a nice prom dress.”

Rey saw Ben frown at his mother, but she purposely didn’t look at him.

She hadn’t thought about prom.

“I know it’s not for another month, but it’s good to plan these things early.”

Rey blushed and reluctantly admitted, “I hadn’t really planned on going.”

“Oh,” said Leia. She tilted her head thoughtfully. “You should see if your friends are going. It would be fun, and, well, I'd like to help you get ready, if you'd let me. Ben never went to school dances, so I've never had that experience.”

“Sorry to have disappointed,” he grumbled into his plate.

Leia let out a huff. “You weren’t a disappointment, Benjamin. I just would have liked to see you in a tux at least once.” She reached over and patted his jaw. “You would have been so handsome.”

Ben’s cheeks turned pink, and he grunted noncommittally. Rey hid a smile, privately agreeing with Leia. He would look amazing in a tux.

“Maybe when you get married,” Leia added.

Ben choked, and Rey felt her own cheeks turn bright red. She focused on her plate and shoveled a too-large bite into her mouth.

She didn’t want to think about Ben in a tux getting married to some faceless woman Rey already hated.

Why she wasn’t imagining herself as the bride, she wasn’t sure. She just couldn’t picture herself in a formal white gown. The handful of times she’d imagined her own wedding, she hadn’t given much thought to the clothes, but she knew she wasn’t the black-tie type.

 _Ben_ seemed like the black-tie type.

But that wasn’t Rey.

"Stop looking at me like that," Leia ordered, and Rey returned to the present enough to notice that Ben was glaring at his mother. "I'm allowed to hope my son settles down one day, and _obviously_ I've imagined the wedding. And it's not like I expect you to put up with any sort of huge fuss. I certainly didn't." She glanced across the table at Han, who saluted her with his fork, a roguish glint in his eye. “Our wedding was small. Chewie was there, and Luke, and Lando. Just a handful of close friends.”

“What about your parents?” When they all looked at her, Rey flushed, suddenly remembering her first dinner with them and the phrase “murderer” being thrown around in relation to Ben's grandfather.

But instead of anger, a thoughtful frown crossed Leia's face. She cast a glance at Ben, who nodded subtly.

“I suppose it’s time you knew my family’s history.” Leia straightened, squaring her shoulders and raising her head with the grace of a queen. “My birth mother was an important figure in a small country that no longer exists, over near Ukraine. She met my father when the invading armies arrived. He was an officer, there to reduce her country to rubble, but… they were soulmates.”

Rey sucked in a breath, her eyes widening. She saw Ben’s jaw shift out of the corner of her eye, his gaze on a spot near his mother’s hand. He did not interrupt.

“He protected her.” Leia’s voice went soft with pain. “My parents — my adoptive parents, the Organas — said that if there was one good thing my father had done in his life, it was the way he loved my mother. He loved her so much that when she died in childbirth, every bit of good in him went with her.”

Rey felt her eyes fill, trying and failing not to imagine what it would be like if she lost Ben. She couldn't think of a world where she lived and he did not.

Leia’s expression hardened. “He wasn't the most stable person to begin with, my father. He'd been going down a dark path before my mother, and she'd been a stopgap in his downfall. So long as she lived, the world was spared his atrocities.

"He never loved me or my brother, though. He handed us over to friends of my mother and never tried to be in our lives. When my parents — my adoptive parents — died in a plane crash…” Here, Leia had to stop, hand trembling as she lifted her glass to her lips. She sipped and swallowed, wetting her lips. “When my parents… _our_ parents died, we were nineteen. Luke wanted to track down our birth father. He'd always been more curious about our father than I was. He wanted to know where we came from.

"By that point, our father was in hiding, wanted for war crimes. I went with Luke, but… I eventually left him to continue the search on his own. I didn’t believe that anything we found would be worth the trouble. Anakin Skywalker had walked away from us, so I walked away from _him_.” Her tight jaw spoke of years of anger.

“And then Luke found him,” said Ben, shooting his mother an inscrutable look.

Leia nodded. “Yes. Luke found him. I don’t know exactly what happened, but somehow he convinced our father to turn himself in to the authorities. Luke always says he found the last bit of good in the old man.”

They were silent for a time, and then Leia shook herself. “Luke says that’s when he found his calling. My brother realized he wanted to help people, the people society had given up on. He wanted to find that bit of good in others and draw it out. Nurture it.” She took another sip of her soda, then added, “He still goes to see our father.”

Ben’s head snapped up. “Really,” he said sharply. Rey couldn’t tell if he was angry or just surprised.

Leia nodded, unsmiling. “Once a year, for a few weeks. He won’t give up on the old bastard.”

“Ironic,” Ben muttered.

 _Ah._ Angry, then.

“Don’t start,” said Han, who hadn’t stopped eating through the tale and now shoved the last bite in his mouth.

“Luke made a mistake,” Leia said, sounding tired. “He wants to fix it.”

“It’s not something he can _fix_.”

“Forgiveness can fix a lot of things, Benjamin,” his mother replied irritably.

He snorted and stabbed at his pasta. “Whatever.”

“Watch your tone, kid,” said Han.

“No,” said Ben, sitting up and gesturing expansively, “please tell me more how Uncle Luke refused to give up on a _war criminal_ but a fucked-up teenager was too much for him. Really, tell me. Tell me again how much family means to him.”

“That’s enough,” Leia snapped, her shoulders tense.

Rey saw the look in Ben’s eye, the spark of anger that had just been fed fresh tinder, and she reacted instinctively, reaching out with one bulky foot to nudge his leg. She wasn’t even sure which part of his leg it was, she couldn’t feel anything through the damn splint. She only knew she connected because his dark eyes flicked immediately her way.

She made a pleading face at him, and he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, wrestling his anger under control. She could see the moment he reined himself in, and then he nodded and let out a breath.

“Okay,” he said, his voice low and not entirely calm. “Let’s talk about something else, then.”

They got through the rest of dinner, though the atmosphere remained strained, and Ben left shortly after with a curt nod of farewell.

Han retreated to the garage as Leia revisited her shopping idea. “I won’t force you to go to prom, but do consider it. Even if your friends are busy, Ben is chaperoning, so you won’t be _completely_ alone.”

Rey tried for casual. “He is?”

From the knowing smile Leia was giving her, she had failed. Spectacularly. “Mm. He had to chaperone Homecoming last year, and Spring Fling the year before that. I know this because he complained for _days_ before and after.”

Rey snorted, imagining only too easily how much Ben would hate policing a dark room full of sweaty, horny teenagers. “Oh,” she said, hiding her smile behind a hand. “He wouldn’t’ve been able to read. _Definitely_ torture.”

Leia chuckled and gave Rey an odd look. “He does like to read.”

Rey nodded. “It’s basically all he does during club meetings. Not that anyone minds,” she added quickly. “He lets Jess run things, and she’s amazing at it.”

“The hands-off approach is very effective when students are motivated,” Leia agreed thoughtfully.

Rey shrugged. “I figure it's because he doesn’t want to be there.”

Leia tilted her head. “Why would you think that?”

Rey bent to scratch her ankle under the splint. “Because he hates his job.”

Silence.

When Rey looked up, Leia’s eyes were wide, her brows high on her forehead. Rey had a sinking suspicion she’d said something wrong.

“He told you this?”

Rey gulped. “Um.”

“When?”

Rey wracked her brain, eager to fix her mistake. “I think… before the car wash? I was being nosy.”

Leia frowned, but she wasn’t frowning at Rey, her eyes unfocused. “I didn’t realize,” she murmured.

“Not your fault. He's good at hiding things.”

Leia nodded and reached out to squeeze Rey's hand. She offered a tremulous smile, her brown eyes wet. “You’re a sweet girl.”

Rey had nothing to say to this, so she just squeezed Leia’s hand back.

Eventually, Leia released Rey and wiped at her eyes with a knuckle. “You know,” she said in a more normal voice, “you don’t have to choose flying for your birthday just because the boys want it.”

“I’m not. I _am_ curious about why they like it so much, though. I want to see for myself.” She wanted to know why Ben loved it, and she wanted him to share it with her. Wanted him to want to.

Leia hummed. “Yes, I can understand that.” Then she smiled. “And if you hate it, we can always do something else. It’s your birthday, and you should have fun.”

Rey thought about that. “I’ve never had a fun birthday before.” When Leia looked horrified at this, Rey hastily added, “Maz did her best.” She remembered that Leia didn’t know about Maz and said, “My foster mom. Before Plutt. She was really nice. She was on a fixed income, but she’d scrape enough together to get me a cake from the supermarket, and she’d let me pick which movie I wanted to watch. She only had maybe ten movies, all black and white and on VHS, but it was nice. Not _fun_ but still good.” She thought about the warm soft couch with its fading floral print, and the way Maz sang "Happy Birthday" in her vaguely accented voice, and the way she'd laughed at every joke in every one of her movies as if she hadn't watched them all a thousand times. Rey smiled at the momories. "Really good."

Rey swallowed and cleared her throat. “Sometimes I wish I could have stayed with her instead of going to Plutt’s, but… I wouldn’t have come here if I had. I wouldn’t’ve…” She cut herself off, still embarrassed by how much she _needed_ her soulmate.

“Met Ben,” Leia finished with a soft smile.

Rey blushed but nodded. “Yeah.”

“It’s been good for him, too.”

“Really?” Rey hated how hopeful her voice sounded.

Leia smiled, and this one held all the warmth of summer. “Yes. Really.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leia's not trying to throw the two of them together, she's still totally Team Ben, but she's excited to get somebody in formalwear.


	24. Field Trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [senauma](http://senauma.tumblr.com/), [leofgyth](https://leofgyth.tumblr.com/), [kyloxvoid](https://kyloxvoid.tumblr.com/), [ghostlytreecowboycash](https://ghostlytreecowboycash.tumblr.com/), and [bellamyblakesbabygirl](https://bellamyblakesbabygirl.tumblr.com/) for beta reading this chapter and the next two. :)

Monday wasn’t the only day Rey cooked for the Solos. On Thursday, she taught them how to make meatloaf and talked excitedly to Leia about making chili on Sunday and inviting Chewie and Lando over. Han had only nodded when asked his opinion, but Rey thought he seemed pleased.

Things at school were going well, though Rey was starting to feel the pressure to get her end-of-year assignments started, especially her English paper. She’d caught up in her new class easily enough, but essays always caused her a lot more stress than her science projects.

Lusica was much more bearable, and club meetings were exciting with the new robot kits to tinker on. Jessika announced that their first field trip was that Saturday, and Lusica let them know that their shirts would be in on Friday.

On top of that, things with Ben were less strained. She wasn’t sure why, but his weekend away had thawed him toward her. Even though he didn’t sneak clandestine touches or throw her meaningful glances, he didn’t shy away from her as much, either. He smiled more and looked at her sometimes to share a joke. He had even stayed after dinner three different nights to play Scrabble, and he now nodded a greeting when they saw each other at school.

He’d even shown up for her meatloaf tutorial, though he’d refused to dance to the radio with his mother.

“I don’t dance,” he’d said.

Leia had skewered him with the kind of disapproving look mothers seemed best at. “And what do you call those lessons I paid for?”

“A waste of money.”

Han had snorted. “I could’ve told you that.”

Leia had only folded her arms and glared at Ben. “You learned the box step. I know you did because I made you show me.”

He’d rolled his eyes. “Well, yes, because that step is easy. I just practiced it in a corner until I knew I could get you off my back.”

Rey had laughed, and Leia had scolded him for not taking advantage of the lessons.

“Come on,” Rey’d said, holding her hands out to him with a teasing glint in her eye. “You can’t be _that_ bad.”

He’d gently pressed her hands down, apologetic. “I am _deeply_ opposed to doing anything that makes me look stupid.”

Han had drawled, “Mirrors must be tough, then,” drawing Ben’s attention so that Rey had a chance to compose herself.

“Ha ha,” Ben had deadpanned.

Then Han had held a hand out to Rey, and she’d been able to smile convincingly enough as she’d grabbed her crutches and took an ungainly turn with him around the kitchen, laughter bubbling up despite the sting of Ben’s rejection. Ben had smiled when she'd met his eye afterward, her face flushed from exertion and the warmth of the preheating oven, and the sting faded to a dull ache.

It made her think that Paige was right. If Rey told him she loved him — and she didn't plan to, not anytime soon — but if she _did_ , he wouldn’t get angry or walk away. Even if he didn’t feel the same way, she knew they’d still have this.

And “this” was… pretty phenomenal.

* * *

The bus on Saturday was hot, forcing Rey and her friends to crack a few windows for a crossbreeze. She sat toward the back with the others, goofing around while Ben sat up at the front with a travel mug of coffee and a book. Paige had volunteered to come along as a chaperone even though they didn’t actually _need_ chaperones. She sat toward the front as well, presumably trying not to cramp Rose’s style.

They’d voted as a club and agreed on an air and space museum half an hour away, and the fourteen of them were overflowing with excitement. Rey was sure they were driving Ben up the wall, as he’d had to walk down the aisle twice to tell them to settle down.

Was it wrong that she hoped everyone would get too loud again so he’d have to come back? He looked good, dressed down in jeans and a black t-shirt and shoes that looked too nice to be casual, and she didn’t have any real excuse to stare at him.

When they arrived and the bus pulled up in front of their destination, Ben walked back and placed his hands on the seats to either side of him. “The rules, one more time. Don’t leave the building. Don’t touch anything you’re not supposed to. Be on the bus in three hours. Not on your way, not on the sidewalk, not milling around. _On_ the bus. Any questions?”

There were none, as they’d already gone over the rules before they got on the bus, and Ben had been more detailed then. So he disembarked and Rey waited for the mass exodus before hobbling her way on crutches to join the back of the pack trailing after him into the building. Ben and Paige stood out because they were older (and he was taller than everyone in a five mile radius) but mostly because they were the only two not dressed in the bright blue shirts Lusica had handed out at Friday’s meeting.

Rey approached Finn and bumped her shoulder against his. He bumped her lightly back, both of them grinning as Ben paid the museum’s group rate from the club’s funds, Jessika at his side.

When he finished, he stepped back and waved them through with carefully curated disinterest. “Don’t break anything!” he called after them. He gave Rey the slightest smiling eyeroll when she glanced his way and jerked his head for her to follow the others.

She grinned and hobbled after Finn and Rose, Paige already with them and Ben’s presence a physical weight behind her.

This was going to be great.

* * *

Ben wandered for an hour through the museum, remaining mostly in Rey’s orbit because she moved slower than her friends, but once they slowed down enough for her to keep up he left. Now he found himself sitting with Rose’s sister at a table overlooking some ground-level exhibits. It was a space for people to bring food and drink, but the club planned on getting home by lunch, so the kids all remained on the lower floor.

“She’s a nice girl,” Paige said as a group containing Rey passed beneath them, his soulmate easy to pick out with her crutches.

He nodded, accepting the comment as innocuous. “So is Rose.”

Paige turned too quickly, her gaze bemused. “Rey told you?”

He frowned. “Told me what?”

“Oh.” Paige looked back down, toward a small collection of blue shirts that disappeared behind a space shuttle. She watched the shuttle thoughtfully, then glanced around as if worried about being overheard. Finally, she said, “My sister and I are soulmates.” His surprise must have reflected on his face, because she nodded. “I’ll trust you to keep it to yourself, please. There are many who wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” he said, still trying to wrap his head around it. “Of course.”

He’d never met a sibling soulmate before. He was curious, but he didn’t want to be rude, so he kept his questions to himself and worked on behaving as if she hadn’t just dropped the conversational equivalent of a grenade on him.

“I think it’s been good for Rey to have someone who’s… been dealing with it longer. To talk to.”

Ben thought about it and tried not to feel annoyed. How much had they talked about? Did Rey feel more comfortable with Paige than she did with him? He’d thought they’d made progress in the whole “being friends” department, but if she didn’t feel comfortable coming to him with her questions… Grudgingly, he said, “I suppose so.”

Paige smiled with her eyes, he noticed. Just then, she was smiling at him as if she knew exactly what was going through his head. “It’s hard to tell sometimes,” she said conversationally, “what is the bond and what is due to being sisters.” She turned to follow a group — Stynnix’s group, he noted — with her eyes. “I know that sisters can be close the way we are, but they tend to handle separation better.” She wet her lips, and if Ben hadn’t been completely in love with Rey he might have taken a more visceral notice of the motion. “I’m going away to college next year, and I’m hoping it will be good for us.”

“You’re not worried?”

“I am. We both are. But she knows I have to go. I can’t take all my classes online, and I can’t put it off until she graduates. I’ve already waited too long.”

“For Rose?”

“No. Our dad got sick, and I had to stay and help. I don’t mind, but.”

“Ah.” He nodded, and they were quiet for a time. “You were in my class, weren’t you?” He’d remembered her face, if not her name, when she’d arrived that morning.

Paige smiled. “Yes. Your first year, I believe. I had you for junior and senior English.”

“Ah.” That would explain why he recognized her so easily.

“You hadn’t quite settled into your role yet.” Her eyes gleamed, and she wrinkled her nose. “You were still soft.”

He sighed. “I nearly got eaten alive that year.”

“You toughened up by the next.”

“Mm,” he agreed. He’d had to. “I just channeled my mother.”

Paige laughed, a soft thing that he knew would charm half her campus once she got to college. “She must be formidable.”

“She isn’t afraid of anything,” Ben agreed. “Toughest person I know.”

“My mother is the toughest person I know,” Paige said. “Rose is turning out just like her.”

“I admit to being a little afraid of your sister ever since Rey warned me not to piss her off.”

A short burst of surprised laughter. “That’s good advice. Though Rose is sensible. She doesn’t get mad without reason.” Paige crossed her legs and smiled, her posture relaxing. “But when she does.” She shook her head. “Watch out.”

* * *

“Where’s you-know-who?” Lusica said, swooping in to sit beside Rey on the bench she and Rose had found while Finn joined Poe on a flight simulator. Lusica’s friends surrounded them.

Rey smiled despite herself. “Voldemort?”

“More like Severus Snape,” Rose said, then stared at Rey with wide eyes. “Did I just say that out loud?”

Kaydel said, “Hey, lots of people think Snape is hot.”

“I wonder which camp _you_ fall into,” Rey replied with a grin, and Kaydel laughed.

Lusica nudged Rey’s arm. “He was walking with you when you came in, wasn’t he?”

Rey frowned. “More like behind us.”

Lusica sighed and leaned back on her palms. “He doesn’t even check you out when you bend over.”

Rose pretended to gasp. “A grown man not checking out his sixteen-year-old student. What is _wrong_ with him?”

“His really cute sixteen-year-old soulmate. Yeah, I’d say there’s something wrong with him.”

Rey turned and snapped, “If you _ever_ talk about him like that again, I will punch you in the teeth.”

They all stared at her, and Lusica blinked a few times before nodding slowly. “Okay.”

Rey turned away, head high, and ignored the twinge of guilt. _Did Lusica deserve that?_ She thought of Ben, of anyone thinking there was something wrong with him for being a decent person, and her heart growled, _Yes._

Lusica stood and led her girls away with a “Sorry” that sounded slightly more sincere than her usual apologies.

Rey kept an eye out for Ben after that and finally spotted him sitting at a table overlooking the exhibits with Paige. They seemed to be deep in conversation, their posture relaxed and knees tilted toward each other, though they sat on opposite sides of a small round table.

She tried not to let it bother her. Paige was gorgeous, but she knew how Rey felt about Ben. She wouldn’t do anything to betray Rey’s trust.

But Ben… he’d have to be dead not to notice Paige’s smooth skin, dark eyes, and perfect lips.

Anxiety uncurled in Rey’s chest, and she found herself staring a little too long. Long enough for Ben to turn his head and catch her.

Rey forced an awkward smile and waved, hoping she was too far away for him to see her turmoil.

He raised a hand in return, and Rey turned to find Rose smirking at her.

“You’re so gone over him,” she teased.

“Shut up,” Rey murmured, blushing, and grabbed her crutches off the floor so she could tug Rose toward the simulator. The guys had promised Rey and Rose could have the next turn, and she wanted to know how much longer it would be.


	25. Shopping

Leia met the bus when they got back to school and swept Rey away for a light lunch and an afternoon of heavy shopping. Rey barely had a chance to catch her breath before they arrived at the mall.

Leia put Rey through her paces, handing her clothing items over the dressing room door and parading her in front of the mirror like a drill sergeant.

They left the first shop with two pairs of jeans, one pair of shorts, and three shirts. The second store included trying on bras, and Rey decided that being measured by a salesgirl and then examined in each bra by Leia rated among her most embarrassing moments.

“Bras are impossible,” Leia informed her kindly. “Every brand, every band and cup is a piece in a confusing puzzle. The only way you can find one that fits is by trying them all on. And then there’s the fact that bra models always wear bras that are too small, so you have an unrealistic idea of what a good fit is _supposed_ to look like, and on top of that you have to figure out if a push up or a bralette or a bandeau or some other cut is best for your shape.” Leia sighed. “It’s _exhausting_.”

It certainly was. Rey tried on bra after bra, and Leia helped her choose two out of the twenty or so Rey had modeled, and then they were off to another store and Leia had her try on a few casual dresses along with the items Rey pulled off the clearance rack when Leia encouraged her to look around for something she liked.

They left with two dresses and two more t-shirts, loaded everything into Leia’s car, and drove to _another_ store.

Rey was lagging when they walked in, easily several feet behind Leia, but the racks of pretty clothes seemed to energize the older woman.

This was an upscale store, much nicer than anywhere Rey had ever shopped. It was smaller than the department stores they’d already been in but more specialized with racks and racks of beaded and frilled tops, scarves so light the breeze from the door would flutter them, and delicate floral skirts.

And in the far left corner, a collection of jewel-toned gowns.

Rey gravitated toward the greens, each one a brilliant emerald, and Leia followed her with a gentle smile. Leia loaded a salesgirl with items for Rey to try on, and Rey obediently click-clacked her cumbersome way into one of the dressing rooms.

She was trying on a lacy, feminine knee-length dress that wasn’t quite _her_ when she asked, “Leia?”

From the other side of the door came Leia’s soft, “Hm?”

“What do you think of sibling soulmates?”

A long silence. “Beg your pardon?”

Rey tried to interpret the odd note to Leia’s voice. “Sibling soulmates. What do you think of them?”

Another long pause, and Rey opened the door to let Leia see the dress. In turn, Rey got a chance to study her expression.

“Lovely,” Leia said, but her attention clearly wasn’t on the clothing. “What do you think of it?”

Rey touched the poofy skirt. “Meh.”

Leia nodded, and that was Rey’s cue to retreat and try on the next dress, but she didn’t. She looked at Leia’s face and waited.

Leia sighed, but she sounded tired rather than annoyed. “It’s an odd question to be asking right now.” Her eyes searched Rey’s, and Rey shifted from foot to foot, loathe to bring up Rose and Paige.

“I’m just… curious, I guess.”

Leia took a deep breath, glanced at the selection of dresses they’d already rejected, and said, “They’re normal.”

“You don’t think they’re weird or… wrong?”

Leia’s expression tightened. “ _Absolutely_ not.”

Rey nodded, relieved. “Good. Neither do I.”

* * *

Rey was actually excited to show Ben her dress, so she carried that bag in herself despite it being awkward with her crutches, dropped onto the seat across from his, and dug the prom dress out to lift it up and grin. “Look!”

He looked, peering at it over his reading glasses. He’d been working when she’d come in and hadn’t bothered to get up. “It’s a dress,” he said, raising a brow as if wondering why Rey was showing it to him.

“It’s my prom dress,” she said, pulling it back so she could look at it, too. It was floor-length, with a modest neckline of criss-crossing emerald fabric and a sash of the same fabric cinching her waist. Leia had admired the “drape of the skirt” and the fit. It left Rey’s arms bare and some of her back. She’d tried on another dress that had bared more of her front than this one did her back, plunging deep between her breasts with the flimsiest excuse for straps, and she hadn’t even bothered modeling that one for Leia.

This one, though. Of all the dresses she’d tried on, it was one of the simplest and most comfortable.

Rey loved it.

“It’s very green,” he said diplomatically.

“You’re supposed to tell her it’s pretty,” Han said as he rose to meet Leia at the door and take some of the shopping bags from his overburdened wife.

Ben looked from his father to Rey, who shrugged and nodded. Ben sighed. “I’m sure you’ll look very nice in it.”

Rey rolled her eyes and shoved the dress back in its bag to take it to her room. Leia got there first and started putting things away before Rey arrived, which was a testament to Rey’s exhaustion.

“What’s the verdict?” Leia asked.

Rey made a dismissive noise. “He’s not the one who has to like it.”

Leia snipped the tag off one of Rey’s new bras and put it in a drawer. “ _That_ is a lesson more women could stand to learn.”

Rey flushed with pleasure at the sort-of compliment and went to her closet to hang her prom dress up.

“Your question earlier,” Leia said as she folded a pair of jeans.

Rey froze and turned carefully, surprised. “Yes?”

“Where did that come from?”

Rey hesitated, but she felt as if the answer really mattered to Leia. Still. It wasn’t her secret to tell. “I, um, was just curious.”

Leia nodded and went to close the door. “I ask because… well, I thought you might have figured it out.” She folded the second pair of jeans, neatly removing the tags before stowing both in a drawer. Her face was more uncertain than Rey had ever seen it. “Luke, my twin brother. He’s my soulmate.”

Rey felt her eyes grow wide, and the world tilted a little too far to one side. “What?”

Leia offered a nervous smile.

“That… makes a lot of sense, actually,” Rey said, the pieces snapping into place. “Is that why you won’t leave him alone about Luke?”

Leia hesitated. “Yes. I know I shouldn’t push, but.” She sighed and started to fold a t-shirt, her movements so shaky that she had to unfold it and try again. “Two of the three people I love most in this world can’t even be in the same room together.” Leia’s voice broke, and she dropped the shirt and sat on the bed. “I love my son. I love him _so_ much, and I know he’s not ready to face his uncle, but I just can’t give up on the… the _hope_ that they’ll be able to reconcile.” She grabbed a tissue from Rey’s nightstand, her cheeks wet.

“Ben doesn’t know, does he?”

A sniffle. “No. Han does. We were going to tell Ben when he got older, but then that mess with Snoke happened…” The venom in Leia’s voice when she spoke of the old man rivaled only Ben’s own. Snoke had been a curse on their family. “I know I’m pushy. I always have been.” The barest trace of a self-deprecating smile. “I just wish Ben could hear what Luke has to say. He knows he screwed up, he does. He was in the wrong. He _knows_ that. And I just want _Ben_ to know that Luke knows that. That he’s not trying to make excuses about it.”

“You’ve forgiven him,” Rey noted, deciding not to judge Leia too harshly.

Leia nodded. “Yes. It’s hard not to.” Another almost-smile. “Could you imagine staying angry with Ben forever?”

Rey couldn’t. Of course, she couldn’t imagine him doing something that terrible in the first place. “Did you blame him at all? Luke?”

Leia considered, then stood and walked over to take some empty hangers from the closet. “Yes and no,” she said when she returned. “I was angry that it was a fight with him that drove Ben to Snoke’s that night. I was angry that he didn’t hound the police more to find him. But I also understood. Ben had run away before, and he always came home eventually. He was…” Leia took a deep breath and met Rey’s eyes. “My son was nothing but rage and pain back then. Some of that was my fault. Some was his father’s.” More tears slipped down her cheeks. “It isn’t all on Luke that Ben fell for that snake’s lies. And Luke… he knew Ben’s history more intimately than he did the other campers. He had to listen to me cry every time Ben disappeared, and I think it made him angry after a while. He tried to help Ben _for me_. He loves him, of course he does, but… he was tired and frustrated, and he had to break the news to me that my son had run away _again_. His response wasn’t right, but… I understand why he reacted the way he did. So, yes, I forgive him. If I couldn’t forgive _him_ , how could I begin to forgive _myself_? I played a much bigger part in Ben’s troubles than Luke did.” She sniffed and slid a shirt onto one of the hangers. When she spoke again, her eyes were flinty. “I do _not_ forgive Snoke.”

They were silent together for a few minutes as Rey absorbed and parsed the information.

Leia continued to work, as if keeping her hands busy would drive away the bad memories. Some of the tension drained from her body as she performed the domestic task. “We’re a fucked up family,” she said softly and simply. “I keep pushing the issue because, well, I’m me. I don’t know when to shut up.” She offered a wry smile at this, not seeming the least bit sorry for her stubbornness. “But I’m also hopeful that one day we’ll be less fucked up. Maybe even something approaching normal.”

Rey reacted on instinct, not thinking her words over or choosing them carefully as she leaned forward and placed a hand on Leia’s wrist. “I think you will.”

The astonished look Leia gave her, as if Rey had just given her something precious and fragile, made Rey’s throat close up, and then they were both crying, and Rey didn’t know who initiated the hug but Leia’s arms around her were fierce. And for all Rey had imagined a mother’s touch her whole life, _fierce_ had never occurred to her.

It should have. There was something so right about Leia’s ferocity, something primal and protective, that Rey had never attributed to mothers. She’d always imagined a mom as soft and gentle and loving, but she realized now that her definition needed to change.

“Leia?” she said when they’d cried themselves out.

“Hm?”

“You need to tell him.”

* * *

Ben was alone in the living room and putting away his work when his mother and Rey exited Rey’s room with clear signs that they’d both been crying.

His every instinct told him to freeze until they passed by, like a rabbit spotting predators. They stopped and murmured together, and then his mother went into the kitchen, and Rey made her way over.

“You should get off your feet,” he said, noting the tired way she leaned on her crutches.

Rey chuckled. “Shopping with your mom is no joke.”

“I warned you.” He took his glasses off and tucked them into his bag.

“You did.” She settled on the couch and put her feet up with a sigh, crutches held across her lap. Her eyes slid closed. “It was good, though. We talked, and… I learned some stuff.”

He nodded, thinking about his conversation with Paige Tico. “It’s been that kind of day.”

Rey’s eyes opened and fixed on him.

“Rose’s sister,” he replied simply.

Rey nodded, her expression indecipherable. “Yeah. I noticed you guys had a chance to talk.”

“She told me about her and Rose.”

Rey’s eyes went wide. “She did?”

He nodded, and Rey, for some reason, blushed. The expression was so incongruous for the topic at hand that he almost asked what she was thinking. He stopped himself, deciding that a general lack of curiosity would serve him better for the next… year? Year.

“You should talk to your mother,” she said suddenly.

He blinked at the non-sequitur. “What?”

Rey nodded firmly. “I had a good chat with her just now, and you should talk to her. And...” she bit her lip, “and listen. And try to keep an open mind.”

Ben was even more confused. “Okay?”

“Look. It’s… it’s big and… you should listen. It might make things easier. I mean, you’re allowed to feel however you want to feel, no one’s saying you can’t, but having all the information might change how you see things, and—”

Ben held a hand up to stop her rambling. “What?”

His mother sighed from the kitchen doorway, and Rey flushed guiltily.

Ben craned his neck to see his mom. “What’s going on?”

She walked over and sat on the arm of his chair, balancing with a hand on his shoulder. “You know I love you.”

He narrowed his eyes. “The last time I heard that phrase, it was followed by ‘move the fuck out already.’”

His mother smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “I’m sorry I keep pushing you about Luke.”

Ben froze, all humor draining out of him.

“Rey thinks I need to confess something to you, and I think she’s probably right. It’s time. You’re old enough, and stable enough, and… you’re more likely to understand.” She sent a glance at Rey and took a deep breath. For a moment, he felt panic, wondering if she had cancer or something. “Ben. My brother is my soulmate.”

He stared at her, and he watched his mother search his eyes for… something. He glanced at Rey, who nodded encouragingly at him, and he remembered her confused babbling. When he turned back to his mother, he said as neutrally as he could, “I’m listening.”

His mother told him everything. Her feelings of guilt, her hatred of Snoke, her anger at Luke, and her choice which wasn’t a choice at all to forgive him. She told Ben how much she regretted failing him, how she would _never_ be able to make it up to him, and how much she wanted their family to be whole again but not at the expense of pushing him away, and here her voice broke and he’d never seen his mother cry the way she was crying just then.

Ben cried, too, reeling. If Paige’s confession had been a grenade, this was an atom bomb.

Rey tried to sneak away at some point, but both he and his mother bade her stay. He cried and his mother cried and Rey cried, but it was a cleansing sort of crying. Healing.

He was still angry, but now he was also confused and overwhelmed. He bowed out of staying for dinner, needing to go home and pick apart the new glut of information.

He kissed his mother’s cheek before he left and dropped a kiss into Rey’s hair as he said goodbye. Maybe he shouldn’t have, especially since she went very still beneath his lips, but it felt like a special circumstance.

And he’d be too busy thinking about his family that night to dwell on the scent of her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More than one of you guessed this twist. ;) Kudos to y'all.
> 
> [Here's the prom dress.](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/176702105495/do-you-have-a-picture-of-what-reys-prom-dress)
> 
> Many thanks to my volunteer betas: [senauma](http://senauma.tumblr.com/), [leofgyth](https://leofgyth.tumblr.com/), [kyloxvoid](https://kyloxvoid.tumblr.com/), [ghostlytreecowboycash](https://ghostlytreecowboycash.tumblr.com/), and [bellamyblakesbabygirl](https://bellamyblakesbabygirl.tumblr.com/).


	26. Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [senauma](http://senauma.tumblr.com/), [leofgyth](https://leofgyth.tumblr.com/), [kyloxvoid](https://kyloxvoid.tumblr.com/), [ghostlytreecowboycash](https://ghostlytreecowboycash.tumblr.com/), and [bellamyblakesbabygirl](https://bellamyblakesbabygirl.tumblr.com/) for beta reading this chapter.

Ben didn’t return on Sunday, but it was easier than last time because Rey knew what to expect and understood that he needed time to think. Leia seemed nervous, but Han just grunted and said something about “the kid needing to work through it on his own.”

Ben's uncles came over again, though Han picked up tacos instead of making Chewie grill. They asked Rey about school, and she told them about the club and the flower shop lady.

Whom they knew, judging by the way Lando threw his head back and laughed as Chewbacca went into a fit that sounded like a badger choking.

When Lando's laughter subsided into warm chuckles, he shook his head, eyes soft with memories. “Ha! Ellie. Craziest woman I’ve ever known. A goddamn treasure. Used to practically live outside the courthouse with a protest sign and a bullhorn.” He shared a grin with Chewbacca. “You remember? The signs changed, the bullhorn didn’t. Wonder if she still has it.” He raised his head and called, “Han, you remember Ellie?”

Han strolled over, hands in his pockets. “What’s she done now?”

“Rey met ‘er.” Lando smiled over at Rey. “That woman got us into all sorts of shit when we were younger.”

Han barked a laugh. “Yeah she did.”

Rey looked at Leia, who shrugged. “Before my time. I've heard stories, though.”

Rey spent most of Sunday listening to those stories, and not just the ones involving Ellie Threebush. Han and Chewie had a long and wild history, and Lando told a few tales of more urbane but no less madcap adventure. Twice, Han stopped Lando when he started a story they obviously all knew and shook his head before nodding at Rey. “Kids present.”

Lando would apologize and smoothly switch stories, and eventually the men urged Leia to tell some of her own youthful indiscretions. Rey found that Leia had _several_ and most of them included her brother and one or more of the men at the table, though her adventures tended to take a more political turn than Han's and Chewie’s by-the-seat-of-their-pants tales.

“My parents threw fundraisers and garnered political currency for all sorts of causes. I was an activist before I even understood the word.” She smirked bitterly. “So many of those old men called it 'cute’ that a girl could talk like an adult about conservation and civil rights. It was an excuse not to pay attention to my words.” Leia's hard gaze made Rey shiver, and she realized which parent Ben channeled to control his classes. “Men still called me 'cute’ when I was running for office, for the same reasons. Except by then I knew the tactic for what it was and could call them out on their bullshit.”

Han gripped Leia's elbow and smiled when she looked at him. “You’ve always been unbreakable.”

Rey saw Leia’s smile bloom, saw the love in the way they looked at each other, and her heart tipped to one side, clasped its hands, and went _Aww_ as Ben’s parents kissed.

It wasn’t until after she’d changed into her pajamas — another of Ben’s old t-shirts — and slid beneath her blankets that night that she wondered… how long had it been since Leia had seen her brother?

* * *

“How do you stay sane?”

His mother’s chuckle slid from his phone into his ear, warm and familiar. “Lots of phone calls. And the occasional lunch.”

“Eleven years, though. I could barely handle a _weekend_.”

She made a noncommittal noise. “It’s not easy. But when something is important enough, you make it work.”

He thought about that as he poured cereal in a bowl and flicked his tie over his shoulder to keep it clean. His mother had pushed her soulmate out of her social sphere, and it was Ben’s fault. He couldn’t quite feel sorry for that — it had been her choice, and his anger had always been justified — but he did feel bad that he’d been such a crappy son while she’d been going through that. “I should have come over more.”

His mother snorted. “That’s not your responsibility, sweetheart. We’re the parents. Your job is to leave the nest and make a life of your own.”

“Yeah, well.”

“I am glad you’re around more, though,” his mother said softly, and he could hear the smile in her voice. “And I’m glad for Rey. Not just for your sake, but ours as well. She’s brought a lot of life back into the house.”

Ben smiled. “Yeah. She’s good at that.” They were quiet for a moment, and then he said, “Listen. Rey’s birthday. Can you get her out of the house for an hour or so and leave me the keys for the Falcon? Her present isn’t exactly something I can hide under my jacket.”

“Hmm. I think we can do that. We’ll take her out for breakfast in my car.”

“Perfect, thank you.”

“What did you get her that you need the Falcon for?”

Ben grinned and told her, and his mother made a noise between a laugh and a disbelieving snort.

“Really, Benjamin?”

“Trust me. She’ll love it.” Once it had occurred to him, he’d known it was the perfect gift.

“If you say so.”

* * *

Monday, Rey stopped by Ben’s classroom before joining her friends for lunch. He let her in with a welcoming smile and left the door open, glad when she didn't protest the lack of privacy. An open door was more appropriate _not only_ because the entire school already wondered if something was up between them but also because Ben regretted kissing Rey's hair on Saturday. Snoke used to touch his face sometimes, and that same night he couldn’t stop comparing the two. They'd gotten so tangled in his head that he couldn’t comfort himself that she’d probably been fine with it. Maybe even liked it. That it hadn’t been sexual.

A lot of what Snoke had done hadn't been sexual, either.

“Hey,” she said, eyes soft and searching. “How’re you doing?”

“Okay,” he said, folding his arms and half-perching on his desk. “I talked to my mom this morning. It went well. It was good.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

He nodded. “I mean, I’m still more likely to punch Luke than hug him, but it’s a lot to think about. And I’m glad I know. It must have been really rough on her.”

“How long has it been?”

“Eleven years.”

Rey paled.

“They kept in touch,” he said quickly. “Apparently, they have lunch together sometimes, too.”

“That’s good,” she said, swallowing. “And that doesn’t… bother you?”

“Well, I mean, I knew. I knew they were still in contact. But my parents didn’t talk about it, and I didn’t bring it up, and we all just sort of ignored that it was happening. And now… it’s the same but it’s different. They’re still twins, they’re still close, but the added layer…”

Rey nodded. “Nothing’s changed but a lot has changed.”

“Right.” He looked at the whiteboard, where he’d written the day’s homework in the upper lefthand corner. “Shit,” he said suddenly, drawing Rey’s attention. He shook his head with a disbelieving smile. “She said once that she knew something was wrong when Uncle Luke lost his hand, before she got the call. I always thought it was one of those dumb twin things, but…”

“The bond.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “The clues have always been there. I just never picked up on them.”

“Why would you? I mean, it’s not like you were looking for that sort of thing.”

“I never really thought about it. Sibling soulmates. I knew they existed, but…”

“You never thought it would affect you.”

He nodded. “Exactly.”

Rey laughed. “And then you had _two_ break the news in the same day.”

He grimaced. “That was… an experience.”

He liked the way she laughed. Her eyes lit up and her nose crinkled and she flashed her teeth in the widest, sunniest smile. “I should get to lunch,” she said when her laughter subsided. “I’ll see you?”

“Yes,” he said with a nod, straightening. “I’ll be at dinner.”

Another bright smile. “Great!”

He closed the door gently behind her and turned back to his desk to get out his own lunch and his copy of _The Stand_. Once everything was ready, he opened the paperback to Rey’s bookmark, tugged it out, and absently rubbed it between his thumb and forefinger in a way that had become habit.

He didn’t try to hide his smile.

* * *

“Hey,” said a boy Rey vaguely recognized from the most annoying days after the bond formed. “Whatever you’re doing, keep it up.”

She frowned and shut her locker. “What?”

“Mr. Solo has been _so_ much easier to deal with lately. So whatever you’re doing? Keep it up.” He pressed his palms together and pointed them at her. “My GPA _loves_ you.”

Rey wasn’t sure whether she ought to feel insulted or not. “I’m not doing anything.”

He winked. “Sure. But, like… keep doing it.”

And then he disappeared into the hall traffic.

Rey conquered the urge to chase him down. It wasn’t the first awkward comment, and it wouldn’t be the last. She just needed to get better at ignoring them.

* * *

It was Wednesday, and Ben was reading with his feet on the coffee table when Rey looked up from her homework and said, “Rose’s sister is really pretty.”

He pulled his nose out of his book and blinked at her before registering her words. “Paige?” When she nodded, he nodded back. He vaguely recalled thinking she would break hearts in college. “Yes, very.”

He turned his attention back to his book, and Rey didn’t say anything else.

After a minute, she quietly got up and left the room. Ben didn’t think anything of it until his dad got out of the chair where he’d been watching TV and smacked him in the back of the head.

Ben glared up at him, furious. “What the _fuck_?!”

Han shook his head down at Ben. “Even _I_ know not to tell a girl another girl is pretty.”

“I didn’t?”

Han laid a fatherly hand on Ben’s shoulder. Ben scowled at it. “Son. There’s something you need to know about women. When they ask if another woman is pretty, what they’re really asking is ‘Is she prettier than _me_?’ It’s a trap. It’s all traps. You are never safe.”

Ben narrowed his eyes as his father. “You’re being overdramatic.”

“Leia!” Han called, and Ben blushed as his mother entered the room. “What happens if a girl asks a man if another girl is pretty, and he says yes?”

She looked between the men, and her eyes settled on Ben with mild horror. “Oh, you _didn’t_.”

Ben felt his face flush redder. Annoyed, he snapped, “I just _agreed_ with her.”

His mother shook her head and turned to go back into the kitchen. “I’m sorry, sweetie. You’re screwed.”

Ben sat back, at a loss. “What the fuck just happened?”

“Aaaalways a trap,” his dad whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the movies, Leia realizes through the Force when Luke is in trouble, so a soulmate connection just made sense. Some of you noted the foreshadowing note about identical twin soulmates, but Rose and Paige were also a kind of prep for the reveal.
> 
> You'll be pleased to know **we're approaching critical mass** , aka the stuff I've been slowly building toward.
> 
> While I try and get the next chapters done right, here's a tiny handful of [my original works](http://eablevins.com/stories.php).


	27. Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, I have no idea what plane hangars look like, how they're set up, or how flying works. I watched a video or three on flying small personal planes to get a feel for actual flying, but the workings of airports are a big fat shrug, so please forgive me if you know enough to spot all my egregious errors.
> 
> \--------
> 
>  **Preemptive Rating Change:** *wink and finger guns* You're welcome.
> 
> It won't be for a few chapters, but I'll have links in the top notes of corresponding chapters to clean(er) versions of explicit chapters when we get there, with M and E material redacted. I'm doing this because there are at least a few people who started reading this because it was T for Teen and the change shouldn't stop those folks from seeing the end.
> 
> For now, sit back and relax because we're not there yet.

Before her birthday, Rey had told herself a hundred times that she was being stupid and overreacting to Ben thinking Paige was pretty, but she _still_ couldn’t stop the pit of miserable worry in her stomach.

What if Ben wanted to ask Paige out?

Not that he would actually go out with Paige, because without a doubt Paige would say no, but the whole situation made Rey realize that Ben might actually start dating some smart, pretty older girl.

With whom he would have sex.

And Rey would have to cut a bitch.

But she found on the morning of her birthday that her overall excitement was too high to worry about much of anything. It fell on a Friday, so they’d arranged for Ben and Han and the uncles to take Rey and a few friends flying right after school, and then Rey’s other friends would meet them at the house for cake.

So when Rey woke earlier than normal and found herself too excited to get back to sleep, she didn't even try to stay in bed.

Han and Leia were already dressed and drinking coffee when she hobbled into the kitchen in her pajamas ten minutes later.

“Go get dressed. We’re taking you out for breakfast,” Leia said briskly.

Rey obliged, throwing on her school uniform and backpack before heading to the garage.

“We’ll take my car,” Leia said as Han obligingly tucked Rey’s crutches in the trunk.

They drove to a small, cozy diner, and Rey ordered a waffle the size of her face with strawberries and whipped cream and real maple syrup and _lots_ of butter.

“This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth,” she told them through a mouthful of waffle.

Han chuckled, pouring syrup over his stack of pancakes. “Happy birthday, kid.”

Leia smiled indulgently and picked up her fork to cut into the egg on her _croque madame_. “I’m glad you’re in our lives, Rey.”

Rey couldn’t help but grin even with her cheeks bulging full of waffle. She did her best not to flash half-chewed food at them, but she couldn’t be sure of her success.

Rey finished first. Han was most of the way through his pancakes (he’d gotten bacon and drizzled it with maple syrup, too) when Leia got a text that made her nudge Han and wave down their waitress to get the check and some boxes.

Han grumbled as Leia slid his remaining food into a box, but Rey caught the glance they shared, and the slightest hint of a grin.

There was something they weren’t telling her.

That, plus her birthday meant…

Well, it _probably_ meant they had a surprise for her.

Maybe.

Best not to get her hopes up.

Except they were already up, and they only got higher as Leia drove back to the house.

Han had complained on the way to the diner and he complained again on the way back, but Leia refused to let him drive. “It’s _my_ car. Honestly, Han. You can’t _always_ be behind the wheel.”

They were still lightly bickering when they got home, but now it was because Han had dug into his To Go box to pull out a piece of syrup-drenched bacon and it had dripped on the upholstery.

Leia parked in the driveway beside the Falcon, and it took Rey a moment to figure out why that was odd.

The Falcon had been _in the garage_ when they’d left.

Han fetched her crutches, and Rey turned and saw Ben’s car parked on the street.

Ben himself exited his parents’ house and jogged toward them with a blinding grin as Rey tucked her crutches into place.

“You ready?” he asked.

Rey peered suspiciously up at him. “Ready for what?”

He only turned to his mother. “Are _you_ ready?”

Leia rolled her eyes but smiled. “Yes, sweetie.”

Han said, “This is just from Ben, so if you hate it you can blame him.”

Ben gestured Rey in front of the closed garage door and bade her stay there. She obeyed with carefully concealed anxiety. He was excited, almost unable to keep still, and she didn’t know many things that needed an empty garage to present them.

Living with Han and Leia, accepting their help and Ben’s to find her metaphorical footing, that was one thing. She could pay them back by helping out around the house. She presumably had years to make things square.

But if Ben had gotten her a goddamn _car_ for her birthday, she was going to kill him. There was no way she could pay that back except in cash, and she wasn’t going to have any to spare for… years, probably. She’d want to save every penny for college.

The garage door began to rise with a smooth hum, and Rey tossed a look over her shoulder to see Leia smiling a reserved smile and Han leaning against the Falcon with his arms crossed. Ben stood by the garage door, but his eyes were on Rey, waiting for her reaction.

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and coached herself on appearing grateful and not annoyed.

When the garage door stopped and the driveway went silent, she let her breath slowly out and opened them, as braced as she was going to be.

“Oh,” she said, lips parting in surprise.

She was looking at a flesh-toned silicon torso speared on the end of a pole with a giant red bow wrapped around him and a wooden bo staff tucked through the ribbon.

“You like it?” Ben asked, gaze intent.

Rey looked at him, then back at the practice dummy, her eyes filling. It was a thousand times nicer than the metal monstrosity she’d practiced on at the junkyard. “I _love_ it. It’s amazing." She flapped a hand and helplessly added, " _You’re_ amazing.” She sniffled and wiped her eyes on her shoulder. Laughed. “You know, I was actually sad to leave that hunk of junk behind.”

He gestured toward the practice dummy. “This is much less likely to give you tetanus.”

“Hey, I made that thing from scratch,” she protested as she planted her crutches and swung herself forward for a better look.

“I could tell.”

But they were both smiling, and Rey touched the beautiful hardwood bo staff with reverence.

“I’m glad you like it,” he said softly.

She tossed him a private smile. “I do.”

“I have to say I was skeptical when Ben told me about this,” Leia said, coming up on her other side. “But I suppose that just shows he knows you better than I do.”

“I really liked breakfast,” Rey said earnestly. “And the shopping. Thank you.”

Leia brushed a lock of Rey’s hair behind her ear. “It’s good to be girly sometimes.”

Rey nodded firmly, looking back at her gift. “And sometimes it’s good to hit things.”

Ben’s parents laughed, and Han clapped him on the shoulder. “She really _is_ your soulmate.”

“Was there ever any doubt?” Ben murmured back, and the words sent a secret thrill down her spine.

Han rubbed his chin, pretending to consider. “Well. She _is_ out of your league…”

Ben just rolled his eyes and turned to Rey, who was trying not to laugh. He jerked his head in the direction of his car. “Need a lift?”

She brightened further. Ride to school with Ben? _Hell_ yes. “Please.”

* * *

When Rey signed in to the club meeting at lunchtime, Jessika greeted her with an arm around her shoulder. “Hey, there, birthday girl!”

“It’s your birthday?” asked Dopheld, who was already seated with the club binder open on his desk. When Rey said yes, he took a sheet of paper out of the back and began to manipulate it.

Lusica bounded over as Rey approached the desks. “Oh my God, it’s your birthday? Happy birthday! Did you get any presents yet?”

Rey blushed deeply, knowing Ben could hear them, and nudged Lusica out of her way with one crutch. She then proceeded among the desks to Rose and Finn, fighting the heat in her cheeks the whole way. “Yeah.”

“Well, then, spill!”

Rey dropped her things by her feet as she sat. “Leia got me a prom dress.”

Others drifted toward the conversation as Lusica asked, “Do you have a picture?”

Rey shook her head. “No, but it’s, um, green?”

Lusica sat in the empty desk on Rey’s free side. “Send me a picture. Who are you going with?” She waggled her brows and slid her eyes suggestively in Ben’s direction.

Rey swallowed the tightness in her throat. “Nobody.”

Lusica frowned. “Really?”

Kaydel bumped Lusica with her hip, and Rey interpreted the move as a gentle warning. “Stag is fine.”

“I know,” Lusica grumbled.

“Here,” said Dopheld, leaning across Rose to set a notebook-paper dog on Rey’s desk. “Happy birthday.”

Rey picked it up and smiled, looking over at Dopheld. “Thank you.”

“That’s awesome,” said Poe, standing up to get a better look.

“You do origami?” Jessika asked, and Dopheld ducked his head.

“Just some easy stuff. My little sister really likes the butterflies and birds and things, so I’ve been teaching her.”

“Hidden depths,” said Kaydel with a warm smile, and Dopheld turned pink.

“Hey,” said Rey, nudging Rose. “You’re going to prom, right?”

“If someone ever asks me,” her friend grumbled.

Finn looked at Rose. “Wait, what?”

Rose speared him with a no-nonsense glare. “Are you going to ask me to prom or not?”

“I… thought we were?”

“Nooo,” Rose said slowly, as if speaking to someone dense. “You never asked.”

“I have to ask?” he said, frowning. “We’re dating. I just assumed…”

As they lowered their voices and put their heads together for a whispered argument, Kaydel said, “I’m going, but I’m waiting for this boy in my art class to ask me.” She sighed dreamily. “I want to have his babies.”

Rey’s eyes went wide at this, but Kaydel didn’t notice.

“I’m going with Bastian,” said Jessika as she got out the robot kits. Finn got up to help her, and Rey thought his eagerness to assist might have something to do with the dissatisfied set to Rose’s mouth.

Poe nodded. “Yeah, I know Bastian. On the baseball team, right?”

Jessika nodded back, handing him a box with Kaydel’s name on it, which he passed over. Jess tugged her ponytail tighter. “His practice lets out at the same time as mine, so we hang sometimes. What about you? I know _you’re_ not going to miss it.”

“I asked Tallie Lintra, but she’s going with someone else.” He accepted the box with his name on it from Finn, and at the same moment Rey saw Lusica hip-check her redheaded friend into Poe.

“I’m so sorry,” said the redhead, blushing.

Poe grinned. “No need to apologize. I never mind bumping into pretty girls.” He tucked his box under one arm and threw the other around her shoulders, which made her blush harder.

“How about you, Rey?” he said, arm still draped around the redhead. “You don’t have a date yet.” Poe pointed at her, then back at himself, waggling his brows. “You and me? Could be fun.”

Rey couldn’t help glancing at the redhead, who looked absolutely mortified, and then focused on Ben out of the corner of her eye, but he had his book out and Rey couldn’t tell if he could hear them or not. “Uh…”

“You should ask someone you have a shot with, Poe,” said Lusica, and Rey resisted letting out a relieved breath.

“Hey,” he said, arm sliding from around the redhead’s shoulders as Jess brought the girl’s kit over. “Nothing wrong with going as friends.”

“I’m good,” said Rey, taking the out Lusica had set up for her. “But thanks.”

Poe shrugged. “Okay.” He took his box and sat beside Dopheld, who had his box by his feet while he clipped the day’s signup sheet into the club binder.

Rose turned to Rey. “You should ask Thomas.”

Kaydel looked up from her efforts to help clear a space to work on the floor with Luisca and their friends. “Who’s Thomas?”

“The British kid from the car wash.”

Kaydel frowned and scrunched her nose in thought.

“Tall? Blonde? Kinda cute in a puppy-dog way?”

“Oh, yeah.” She glanced at Rey. “You guys are talking?”

Rey nodded. “Mhm. He’s nice.”

“He doesn’t have many friends, right?” Rose asked, accepting her box from Finn with a look that promised they weren’t done talking about prom. “And you’ll be off your crutches by then.”

Rey tilted her head to one side and accepted her box from Jessika. “True.”

“I bet he’d like the chance to hang out. And from what you’ve told me, he’s probably not a serial killer.”

Rey snorted. “He’d be a very mild-mannered serial killer.”

“What else do you think you’ll get for your birthday?” Lusica cut in as she settled onto the floor with her box.

“Um,” Rey said softly. “I, uh. I got a proper practice dummy and a bo staff.”

Finn’s brows went up, settling into his seat with his own box. “Really? That’s awesome. Who from?”

Rey blushed and shifted her hand where Ben couldn’t see it before jerking her thumb in his direction.

“Cool,” said Finn.

“That’s great,” said Rose.

“He got you exercise equipment?” said Lusica with an eyeroll.

Jessika sent Lusica a quelling glance. To Rey, she said, “That’s amazing.”

Lusica sighed. “Did he at least get you something else?”

Rey frowned at her. “No. Why?”

Lusica rolled her eyes, pointed at Rey, and said in an undertone, “He better get you some fucking jewelry.”

“I like what I got,” Rey said defensively.

Kaydel lightly kicked Lusica and made a face at her friend. Lusica shrugged and focused on her box.

Later, when they were all cleaning up, Kaydel found a moment to apologize. “She has very strong ideas about what guys should get girls.”

Rey felt her cheeks heat. “I don’t even wear jewelry.”

Kaydel smiled. “Which is why he’s your soulmate and Luce isn’t.”

Rey couldn’t help but smile at that.

* * *

The local airport was smaller than the bustling international ones Rey saw in movies. According to Ben, who drove her while Poe brought Finn and Rose, it had two runways and steady but light air traffic.

“You dad _owns_ his own plane?!”

Ben grimaced and ducked under the wing of a small aircraft as he led her through the hangar. He’d worn something different to school today, a black sweater over his white dress shirt. The combination suited him.

“Technically… he owns two.”

Rey stopped, and it took Ben a moment to turn around and look at her. “Two,” she repeated incredulously.

He shrugged. "Even Lando has one."

“Oh,” she said, continuing after him on her crutches. “Yeah, cuz that’s normal. _Lots_ of families have as many planes as cars.”

He snorted. “My parents eat out every night, pay people to clean their house and do the yard work, and drop thousands on a school club like it’s nothing. And two planes is out of the realm of belief.”

“Well… yeah,” she said. “I mean… your dad still drives that old van. And I just figured Leia had a really good pension or something.”

“Ask my mom about the family jewels sometime,” he replied, hands in his pockets as he slowed his stride to match her clumsy hurrying.

Rey shook her head. “Don’t. That’s too much, just don’t.”

“Or her ‘princess’ mug. That thing is only half-ironic.”

“That’s not funny,” she grumbled, sketching a kick at him. He nimbly sidestepped her only to slam his head into a plane wing.

“Shit,” he hissed, holding the back of his head.

“Serves you right,” she said, but she motioned for him to duck down so she could look. “Well, you’re not bleeding. How many fingers am I holding up?”

He narrowed his eyes. “One. And very funny.”

Rey smiled sunnily up at him. “I am hilarious. And I even did it the American way, just for you."

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘juvenile.’” He ducked the wing he'd just hit his head on, and Rey followed him without having to bend her head at all. There were maybe fifteen planes packed into the hangar.

And two of them belonged to Han.

“Ha ha,” she replied. “That would really hurt if I thought you were serious.”

He smiled and finally led her into an open area where Han, Chewie, and Lando waited.

Rey grinned at them and shook her head at Lando as she drew beside him. “Do you ever _not_ wear three-piece suits?”

This suit was charcoal grey and pinstriped. He wore a lovely violet dress shirt underneath. Lando tugged his waistcoat straight with a flash of a smile and said, “I don’t wear them to bed.”

Rey frowned and wondered what he _did_ wear to bed but decided she was better off not knowing.

“We’ve already done all the pre-flight checks,” said Han. “You can go ahead and take Rey up in Silencer and we’ll divvy up the rest of the rugrats when they get here. Chewie and I can fit two in the Millennium, and Lando can take someone in Sabacc.”

Rey glanced at the planes Han gestured to. Sabacc was apparently a shiny silver plane with two playing cards professionally airbrushed on the side. The Millennium was older and overall… crappier? Rey felt bad for thinking it looked crappy, but… it was dented and dirty and had a chipped paint job. Really, it reminded her of what the Falcon might look like if it were a plane.

Silencer was darker and had two black stripes along the body. It wasn’t as new as Lando’s but it was much nicer than the Millennium.

Ben led her to Silencer and helped her in, setting her crutches out of the way by the hangar wall. Chewie stopped him before he climbed in and said something, then ruffled Ben's hair, making her soulmate duck and smile.

He climbed in and said, "Not a word," without looking at her, and she laughed. As he went through a quick instrument check, he leaned over and made sure she was strapped in securely, tugging on her seatbelt. The move made Rey’s heart pick up, and she focused out the window to distract herself.

Ben saw the direction she was looking. “The Millennium is called a biplane. See how it has two sets of wings, one upper and one lower?”

Rey nodded, and so did Ben.

“It’s a piece of crap, but Dad loves it almost as much as the Falcon, so he keeps the engine in good shape. He and Chewie do most of the repairs themselves.”

“What about this one?” she asked, looking at all the buttons and switches that she most definitely was _not_ going to touch.

Ben tossed her a sheepish glance. “This one is… technically mine.” When she only looked at him, his cheeks turned slightly pink. “It was a graduation present. College. It’s still in Han’s name, though.” He reached for the ignition and gestured for Rey to put the other headset on, waiting for her to be set before he turned the key and the plane started with a muffled roar. When he spoke again, his deep voice sounded directly in her ears, making her shiver. “We were getting along better, then, but we still couldn’t be in the same cockpit without wanting to kill each other. He figured this was a good compromise.”

“A _plane_ is a compromise,” she muttered back at him, knowing he heard her loud and clear through the mic.

He just smiled. “I’m going to radio the tower.”

It took a few minutes to get clearance for the runway, and Rey held her tongue and surreptitiously watched her soulmate navigate them into position for takeoff with deft movements.

They hovered there at the start, the plane eager around them like a leashed puppy, and excitement caught in Rey’s chest. Ben tossed her a conspiratorial grin, and just at that moment it was her and him and everything felt possible.

“You ready?”

Rey nodded, gripping the sides of her seat to hold herself steady.

Then they were moving, picking up speed, and Rey felt terrified and exhilarated. She chanced a glance at Ben, who looked focused but was smiling, his lips slightly parted as he kept the plane centered on the line, hurtling down the—

“Oh!” Rey exclaimed when her eyes and her body both confirmed that they were no longer touching anything solid. They split from the earth and _kept going_ , her stomach bottoming out as they left the ground behind.

“Small planes are a lot more turbulent than the big ones,” Ben’s voice said in her ear as the plane's motion jostled them, his hands and eyes on the instruments as he kept them from plummeting back down. “Just as safe, though.”

“Why are they more turbulent?” she asked, still gripping her seat as if that would steady her in a situation which no longer had any steady surface to cling to.

“Mass, velocity, wingspan, the number of air pockets you hit.” He shook his head. “No one reason.”

The plane dropped suddenly, just a few inches, but Rey gasped and clung to her seat tighter. A moment later, she felt the warm, brief press of Ben’s hand on her arm and his voice soothing in her ear.

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. It’s just an air pocket. I promise, it’s fine.”

He had both hands on the steering yoke again, and the plane vibrated around them like a car on a pitted road with no muffler. After a moment, it smoothed out a bit, though it was still loud.

Rey watched him make minor adjustments and felt a surge of warmth and affection. She loved him. So much.

Another slight jolt, and Rey shifted in her seat, and then her eyes widened. The vibrations were doing something weird to her, making her heart beat faster.

“Have you had a good birthday so far?”

The casual question pulled her attention away from what was happening to her body, and she grabbed the distraction like a lifeline. “Yes,” she said, and maybe her voice was too breathy but Ben didn’t seem to notice. “It’s been great.”

“I’m glad.”

Rey pressed her thighs together and readjusted, finally finding a position that made the strange feeling go away. If she’d been by herself and hadn’t had a headset on that piped every noise she made into Ben’s ears, she might have chased the feeling, but with him there… nope. Nope nope nope. Whole bag of nope.

Because she knew what it was. It wasn’t something she felt often, but she knew enough to recognize it, and so she found herself glad that girls didn’t have an obvious tell the way boys did.

_No ladyboners in Ben’s plane._

The residual effects stayed with her, not at all helped by the fact that Ben looked _really_ good. Not just because of his sweater and his jawline and the silkiness of his hair. Not even the way that he smelled like the shampoo he used or the slightly windblown look Chewie's teasing had left him with before he entered the plane. It was how relaxed and confident he was, his eyes bright. He was in his element, and he radiated a level of peace she’d never felt from him before.

“You seem happy,” she said softly into the mic.

He glanced at her, surprised, and opened his mouth. Closed it. Frowned. “Huh. I guess… I am.” He seemed startled by the realization.

She smiled at him, and he smiled back, and Rey felt warm to the tips of her toes.

_I love you._

The words beat at her ribs like butterfly wings, but she kept them to herself, eager to preserve the moment in its purest form. It was just the two of them, more alone than they'd ever been, insulated from the world by a fine layer of clouds beneath them. All of Rey's stupid, petty problems seemed far away, all her worries about the future, the present, the past. In that moment, there was just Ben and the sky and her.

It was the best birthday present by far.

She sat forward to get a better look at the clouds and coughed to cover the shock of pleasure. She settled back into her old position and only craned her neck to look around, embarrassed by the effect the vibrations had on her. When her voice felt steady, she said, “I can see why you like this so much.”

“It's beautiful,” he agreed.

“Everything bad seems so far away. Like it's part of another life.”

He glanced at her, frowning, and adjusted his grip on the steering yoke. His jaw shifted as if he was bracing himself. “You know you can talk to me.” She watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. “You don't have to go to Paige.”

Rey blinked at him and flushed. Not for the first time, she wondered how much Paige had told him. She'd texted and asked as soon as she'd gotten a chance and had trusted Paige's, _Your secrets will always be safe with me._ And then a minute later, as if in afterthought, _Except from Rose._

It had made Rey laugh, but now she worried that Ben might have gotten something from Paige without her noticing.

“Rey?” he asked, throwing a concerned look her way, and she realized she'd been sitting there staring at him for too long.

She licked her dry lips and noticed Ben's gaze drop to her mouth before he turned quickly back to his instruments. Something about the move caught her attention and roused her hopes, making her overheated and more sensitive to the gentle arousal the plane had stirred in her. “There are some things I need to talk to a girl about,” she said neutrally.

She watched his expression carefully, the dissatisfied press of his lips as if he wanted to argue, then the way they softened when he took a deep breath. “Okay.”

Rey shifted without thinking and let out a groan as the plane's vibrations lanced through her.

Ben glanced over sharply, concern in his furrowed brow and the hand he raised to test her forehead. “You okay?” he asked, pulling his attention back to the instrument panel before looking back at her.

Rey squirmed in her seat, too distracted to respond, and prayed she wasn't about to embarrass herself.

“I'm going to take us down,” he said, still frowning and casting glances her way. “Sometimes these small planes bounce you around too much.”

Rey licked her lips and watched as he jerked his gaze away. There. That was definitely a flush on his cheeks.

She felt heady, her hope flaring as her body responded to different stimuli. She couldn't find the way she'd been sitting that had minimized the effect, and she gasped as Ben reached behind her chair to tug a small stack of paper bags out and hand them to her.

“In case you need to be sick,” he said, then began to radio the tower as Rey squirmed and suffered as quietly as she could, desperate not to fall apart in front of him.

They were cleared to land soon, and Ben set them down gently and taxied to the hangar. When he cut the engine, he removed his headset and twisted to face her.

“It should pass,” he murmured, helping her with her headset and stroking her hair like Leia had when she’d been sick. “Sorry about that. We'll sit here as long as you need, okay?”

Rey nodded, enjoying his hand on her hair even though he’d only put it there because he thought she was airsick.

She licked her lips again to see his reaction, and true to form he looked away.

Unfortunately, he also withdrew his hand.

He broke the silence with a weak, “Now I’m glad I didn’t show you a barrel roll.”

Rey let out a feeble chuckle. Her arousal had eased, and she felt more herself. “True.”

He looked at her, pressing his lips together awkwardly. “Ready to get out?”

Rey nodded, and Ben exited the plane with the ease of experience. She opened her door and swung her legs out onto the wing, but she realized once there that she didn’t want to jump down on her damaged feet.

“I’ve got you,” said Ben, jogging to her and reaching for her waist.

Rey reached for his shoulders automatically, and he started to lift her down, but there was a moment where their faces were a breath apart, and their eyes locked. All the feelings that had been rising in her coalesced as she wrapped her arms around his neck… and kissed him.

Rey melted into his arms, parting her lips a sliver to gently touch his bottom lip with her tongue. It slipped in the slightest bit when he drew a breath, and then he was gone and she was standing on her own on the hangar floor, slightly dazed.

“That can’t happen,” he said quickly, and Rey realized he was standing six feet away, his eyes wide. “This can’t… you can’t do that.”

As his words registered, mortification swamped her. “I’m sorry,” she gasped.

He was shaking his head, looking anywhere but at her. “No. _I’m_ sorry. If I sent mixed signals or something…”

“No,” she hurried to assure him, horrified to realize that her eyes were filling. “No, you didn’t.”

He ran a trembling hand through his hair, his expression half-wild. “It just can’t. That… that can’t happen.”

“I get it,” she replied, her voice clogged with stupid tears. “I’m sorry.”

“If I gave you the wrong impression or something,” he was saying, and it was like he couldn’t even hear her. He wasn’t looking at her, just at the ground a few feet in front of her, his brows furrowed into worried lines.

“You didn’t,” she said.

He nodded, looking behind himself, and glanced past her out of the hangar. “I should… I should go.” He ran a hand across his mouth. The mouth she’d just kissed. Like an idiot. “Um… Han can give you a lift home. They should be back in a bit if… yeah.” He was walking backward as he spoke, and he finished with a firm nod and turned to rush away.

Rey didn’t know if he heard her sob his name or if he just ignored it.

She stumbled over to her crutches and slid down the wall beside them. She buried her face in her knees and sobbed, the ache in her chest so painful she thought she might die.

That was how her friends found her.

* * *

"I can't figure out what I did wrong, if I encouraged her somehow. I've been racking my brain over it."

Dr. Statura tapped his pen thoughtfully against his notepad. "Sometimes things go a way you don't want them to even when you do everything right."

Ben groaned. "I should have paid more attention to my mother. She asked me if it was a good idea for me to drive Rey to school alone this morning, and I blew her off. If I'd applied that to flying, I wouldn't be in this mess. I could have insisted we go up with my dad and let Chewie take someone up in Silencer, and I wouldn't have been alone with her, and she wouldn't have kissed me, and everything would be _fine_."

"Hindsight is twenty-twenty."

Ben resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Or throw something. _Everybody_ said that when things went to shit, and it was always supremely unhelpful.

Dr. Statura consulted his notepad. “Do you think your hesitance to get close to Rey has anything to do with Snoke?”

Ben sighed. “Of course it does.” He let his head drop against the chair’s back and stared at the ceiling. He’d called his therapist after Rey kissed him and had been squeezed in for an emergency appointment. “And I know it’s not the same situation. I do. He got close to me to take advantage of my trust, to do things I didn’t want. It’s not like that with Rey.”

“Do you think that her kissing you implies that she is open to the idea of sexual activity?”

Ben shifted uncomfortably in his seat, because that was exactly what he thought. What he couldn’t stop thinking, actually. “Yes. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“How so?”

“I’ve always had eighteen as my hard cutoff. Anything younger isn’t okay.”

“And you’ve never thought about revisiting that policy?”

He glowered at the rug. Yes, the idea had crossed his mind. “The problem with that,” he said slowly, “is that I would never know if I was _actually_ changing my mind or just trying to justify how badly I want to fuck her.”

“So you do have sexual thoughts about her?”

“ _Now_ I do,” he growled, standing up so he could pace. Dr. Statura didn’t stop him and didn’t interrupt his thoughts, which Ben appreciated. Sometimes he just needed to _move_ to think clearly. “Do you have any idea how hard I worked to keep from thinking about her that way? The mental Olympics I went through? I deserve a fucking _gold medal_ for that shit. And she tore it all down. All of it.” He groaned and threw himself back in the chair. “It wasn’t even a _good_ kiss. Too short, barely any contact.” But he’d felt her tongue, and he’d run his own over the places hers had caressed the moment he’d been alone in his car. It had probably all been in his head, but he could have sworn he’d still been able to taste her.

He’d gone home knowing he’d left the real Rey alone and hurt and confused, but he’d been too fucking scared and horny to deal with any of it like the responsible adult he was supposed to be.

“But it meant something to you,” Dr. Statura said softly. When Ben blinked at him in confusion, he said, “The kiss. To have affected you this deeply, it must have meant something.”

“Of course it did. I love her.”

Dr. Statura nodded. They’d been over that the past two sessions.

Ben sighed. “And it was… my first." He glared at the rug, frustrated that his first kiss — and probably hers, as well — hadn't been everything it should have.

Statura didn't look surprised. He knew Ben was a virgin, knew Ben's pathetic history with women. He'd never been approachable to begin with and had been much too volatile after Snoke. Not even in the bad boy way that attracted girls but in the "I wonder if he'll try and shoot up the school" way that repelled them in droves. Then in college, when he'd been able to interact with other humans on something resembling a normal footing, he'd let himself get discouraged after two bad dates and had stopped trying.

He couldn't regret his lack of sexual experience, not with Rey warm and real in his life, but he did wish he'd worked at his people skills a _little_ more so that maybe he wouldn't be at a complete loss now. "Everything was fine so long as I kept those urges contained.”

“Do you think it’s wrong to think of her in a sexual way?”

 _Yes._ But that didn’t feel like the right answer, so Ben shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Dr. Statura gave him a look. “I have been counseling you for eleven years, Ben, and you have _never_ not had an opinion.”

Ben bit back the urge to shout that maybe he _didn't_ have a fucking opinion this time.

But Dr. Statura was excellent at recognizing bullshit.

“Yes. I think it’s wrong.” Ben ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t even know, though. _Is_ it wrong? Am I _wrong_ to think it’s wrong? Or am I trying to make myself feel better about doing something I should be ashamed of? I don’t… I don’t know.”

“Shame has never done anyone any good.”

“But more people should feel it,” said Ben.

Dr. Statura sat back and crossed one knee over the other. “Why do you say that?”

Ben huffed and searched for an example. “Like… I keep expecting some asshole to come up and congratulate me on having such a young soulmate. Like it’s every man’s wet dream or something to have an impressionable girl to fuck. And that makes me angry. Thinking about it. The fact that people like that are out there, wishing they could have an excuse to molest some poor kid.”

“ _Has_ anyone said something like that to you?”

Ben frowned and shook his head. “No. Though that might be because I don’t talk to people. And I’m apparently intimidating.”

He caught Dr. Statura trying to hide a smile. It finally disappeared when Statura cleared his throat. “Well. You are a bit larger than the average person. I suppose that would play a role.”

“And I’m an asshole.”

Another slight smile, but his next words were perfectly serious. “Do you think you intimidate the people closest to you?”

Ben thought about that. “Not really. My parents… they’ve never been afraid of me. Even when I was violent, they were never _afraid_. Frustrated, worried, concerned, even angry, but not intimidated.”

“What about Rey?”

“No.” But then he frowned and considered it, really considered it. _Had_ she ever felt intimidated by him? He hadn’t thought so, but… how could he be sure? The uncertainty felt like a punch in the gut. “I don’t know.”

Dr. Statura nodded thoughtfully. “That’s something you should find out.”

Ben winced and sat quietly with his head in his hands, trying to make sense of how he'd gotten to this point.

He huffed and stood to pace again, looking for the right words to express what was plaguing him. “It’s the snowball, you know? The one that rolls downhill and keeps getting bigger and bigger. That kiss was the tiny snowball that starts everything, that _leads_ to the finish line where I’m just like Snoke.”

Dr. Statura’s voice was extremely neutral in a way Ben recognized. It was how Statura got when a _very_ delicate topic was at hand, especially if he had an opinion he was trying to suppress. “Do you think you’ll turn into him?”

Ben stopped moving, breathing hard. He stared at a table lamp by the window. It was off because the light streaming in the window was enough to see by, but he’d seen it on before, when his sessions were later in the evening. How long ago had that been? A few years, maybe. “I think predators find ways to justify their actions. I think they convince themselves that the victim wants it. Or maybe the victim does want it, but they’re too young to make that decision with all the facts, with enough experience, and they’re easy to manipulate. And the predator just keeps justifying things until… until they become a child molester.” He swallowed and nodded. “That’s going to happen to me.” He fought back tears, his throat tightening. “The snowball is rolling.”

“I see.” Ben knew that tone, too. It meant Dr. Statura didn’t agree.

Ben whirled and snarled at him. “How can you be so calm?!”

Statura’s eyebrows rose in reply, still perfectly composed. “Would it help if I panicked?” He sounded genuinely curious.

Ben grunted. “Might make me feel better.” He began pacing again and resisted the urge to throw the table lamp through the window. Once, he would have, but eleven years in therapy had helped him master those impulses.

Mostly. He still had moments at school, but he couldn’t be expected to keep his temper _all_ the time when he had to teach such little shits.

“Do you think Rey would understand your concerns? Help you prevent what you’re afraid of?”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Yes, let’s trust the _teenage girl_ to be the responsible one.” He leveled a scathing look on his therapist. “Have you _met_ teenagers?”

Dr. Statura responded with a sardonic smile and a hard glint in his eye that said he didn't appreciate Ben's tone. “A few, I believe.”

Ben snorted. It had been a rhetorical question, anyway.

Dr. Statura uncrossed his legs, expression mild again. “The qualities of maturity and responsibility aren’t limited to one age group any more than immaturity and irresponsibility.”

Ben looked sightlessly out the window. “It’s not her job to be the adult. Let her be a kid a while longer.” He ran a hand over his hair. “I don’t even know how many chances she’s had to be a kid. I can’t just take that away from her. Not yet.”

Dr. Statura nodded and wrote in his notebook, crossing his legs at the knee again and tapping his foot in midair the way he did when he was thinking. “Would you be able to _try_ just being friends again?”

Ben drummed his fingers on his thigh and turned from the window. “The snowball is rolling.” He pressed his lips together, feeling the trembling that wanted to set in. “But I guess I could. For her. I’m just… I’m _so_ scared.” Tears fell down his cheeks and he swiped at them with his arm. It wasn’t the first time Dr. Statura had seen him cry, and Ben wasn’t as self-conscious about it as he’d once been.

“Then that’s your homework. Try. If it doesn’t work, we can revisit this, but nothing good has ever come from letting your fear control you.”

Ben took a shaky breath and nodded. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll try.”

“And Ben?”

He lifted his head and met Statura’s dark eyes.

“It’s not just for her. It’s for you, too.”

* * *

Despite what Ben had promised his therapist, he didn't talk to Rey or his parents or, really, _anyone_ that night. He’d had three texts and a missed call from his mother when he’d gotten out of his emergency session and had only texted back to let her know he wouldn’t be able to make it that evening and then had shut his phone off and gone to the gym to burn off as much energy as he could manage.

It was dark when he got home, and his dad was waiting outside his apartment for him, leaning against the wall with his arms and ankles crossed.

“Hey there, kid.”

Ben clenched his jaw and got his key out, letting them both in. He offered Han a beer, and Han accepted. Ben grabbed one for himself, not looking forward to what his dad had to say and wanting something to do with his hands.

They sat and sipped at their beers, Ben trying not to squirm under his father’s sharp-eyed gaze. “You want to tell me why my future daughter-in-law has been crying on my wife’s shoulder for the past few hours?”

Ben flinched. He didn’t want to think about how his actions affected Rey. He could barely handle his own emotions without having to shoulder hers.

Han took a swig of beer and fixed Ben with a deceptively neutral look. “Why’d you leave her at the airport, Ben?”

Ben stared down into the long brown neck of his beer. “She kissed me.”

His dad frowned. For a moment, Ben thought he might understand, but then he said, “That’s all?” Han sat back with a snort. “From all the drama, I thought it would at least be something serious.”

Ben glared at his dad. “Why are you here?”

“You left a seventeen-year-old girl on crutches alone, crying, at a public airport on her birthday. She was down there a full thirty minutes before we landed and found her. You don’t do that, Ben. Even if she weren’t your soulmate, you don’t _do_ that.”

Ben swallowed the ball of shame that wanted to lodge in his throat. He knew he hadn’t reacted well, but put like that… he sounded like a real dick.

“You owe her an apology.”

“An apo—”

“Yes, an apology. For God’s sake, kid, it was just a kiss. I don’t know why you got your panties in such a twist. Plenty of men would—”

“ _Don’t_ tell me what other men would do,” Ben snapped, surging to his feet. “Don’t tell me how they’d love to be kissed by a girl like Rey, love to take advantage of her. I’m not going to do that to her, I am _fucking_ not.”

Han looked taken aback. “Jesus, kid.”

It took Ben a moment to realize he’d started crying as he’d shouted.

His dad had never been good with tears.

Ben sniffed and wiped his face on his arm, getting himself under control. “I called Dr. Statura,” he said, as if that explained the tears. “Had an emergency session.”

His dad nodded and looked awkwardly at his own beer. “Good session?”

Ben chuckled. It was the same floundering question his dad had always asked when prompted to make conversation after Ben’s therapy sessions. “Yeah, dad. Good enough.”

Han nodded and tipped his beer back. Smacked his lips. Looked at a paperback Ben had left out on the coffee table. “You gonna do something to make that girl stop crying?”

Ben let a breath out and told the truth. “I honestly don’t know.”

Han grunted. “Mind if I stay here a couple hours to get away from it?”

Ben smiled in spite of himself. “Sure.”

His dad settled back into a chair and gestured for the TV remote. Ben didn’t watch a lot of TV, so his setup wasn’t as good as his parents’, but he had cable for the nights he wasn’t in the mood to read.

As Han flipped through the channels, he said, “Maybe, if you feel up to it, you can explain to me why a pretty girl kissing you made you run away.”

Ben sat back and took a deep drag of his beer. “If I could explain that, I probably wouldn’t need a therapist.”

Han snorted. “Fair enough.”

* * *

His dad had hugged him gruffly before leaving Friday evening and told him, “That girl is one in a million, just like your mom. Don’t be too much of a dumbass, okay?”

Ben had laughed weakly and told him he’d try not to.

“And call your mother back, or she’ll be over here next, and you don’t want that.”

Ben did not, so he’d called his mother and agreed to join them for lunch the next day. For him, a trial run on his promise to Dr. Statura, for his mom a chance to berate him in person. “Mom?” he’d said just before hanging up.

“Yes?”

“Don’t leave me alone with her. At all. Please. Not for a second. Don’t even go to the bathroom.”

“Ben…”

“I’m not coming if you don’t promise.”

His mom had sighed. “Okay, fine.”

So he’d gone, and it had been stilted and awkward. His parents had tried to interject some conversation, but Ben was too distracted by Rey’s obvious misery to pay attention. She poked at her food and cast him a few nervous glances before pulling into herself.

He didn’t know how to fix it, and he found himself getting annoyed with her for kissing him in the first place. Things had been going so smoothly.

True to her promise, his mother didn’t leave them alone, which was probably why he found Rey on the other side of his classroom door at lunchtime on Monday.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her eyes red-rimmed.

He opened the door for her and closed it behind her. Fuck anyone who thought they were doing anything inappropriate; this wasn’t a conversation he wanted overheard.

He walked to his desk, turned to face her, and leaned against it.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice rough.

It hurt to see her like that, but he didn’t know what the right thing was, the right thing to do, even the right thing to _think_ , so he spread his hands helplessly. “What do you want me to say?”

She shrugged, fresh tears dripping from her eyes even as she tried to dry them on her shirt. “That you’re mad? That it’s okay? That _we’re_ okay?”

He sighed, resting his hands on the desk beside his hips. His mouth worked and his jaw shifted, and he felt another flare of annoyance. Everything had been _so_ good. “I _am_ a little angry,” he admitted softly. “Mostly frustrated, but yes, a little angry.” He shook his head, wishing she’d stop looking like a kicked puppy, wishing he could pretend it wasn’t him who made her look like that.

“Can’t we just forget it happened?” she pleaded. “Go back to the way things were?”

It was close to what Dr. Statura had said, and Ben would have liked that, but he hadn’t been able to think of anything but the kiss since it happened. He wasn’t ready to face the consequences of her impulsiveness, but more than that… he had to decide how _he_ felt about it before he could handle her emotions, too.

He stared at the floor between his feet and searched for something true. “That’s not a bell that can be unrung, Rey.” He tried not to hear the hitch in her breathing that meant she was crying again. “I need… space.” He rubbed a hand over his face and added, “For a while.”

Rey sniffled and nodded. Her face was flushed and splotchy, and if Ben had had any room in the turmoil of his mind to feel disgusted with himself, he would have. But even now, with all of his actions hurting her, he held onto the fact that he was _trying_ to do the right thing, and it gave him a strength he hadn’t realized he possessed.

“Do you hate me?”

His head snapped up. “No,” he said immediately. “Of course not.”

Rey didn’t quite look as if she believed him.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you,” he said softly, and it was true. Perhaps the truest thing he’d ever said in his life. He could be angry with her, he could wish she’d never complicated things with that kiss, but he couldn’t hate her.

Rey swallowed and nodded, not looking at all reassured.

Ben wished he could comfort her, but he didn’t know how, didn’t know if any of his instincts would work without nudging that snowball further along.

Fucking useless.

He sighed. He would work it out. It might take some time, but he would settle this mess in his psyche one way or another and then be able to find the perfect words to make things better instead of worse.

The frustrating part, he realized as he watched her try not to cry in front of him, was that he’d always thought it would be _him_ who would control the pace of that fucking snowball. Their first kiss would be because he gave into his baser emotions, but it wouldn’t be for a while yet. She’d thrown the entire timeline off, had rewritten his careful script of how the next year would go. He would have held off and held off and maybe they would go the whole year but, more likely, he’d slip, and then they would have to deal with the fact that he wanted to kiss her all the time. And they _would_ deal with it. Together. She would do her best not to tempt him, but her very existence tempted him, and kisses would lead to making out would lead to touching would lead to touching under clothes would lead to touching _down there_ , and if he was _very_ lucky they wouldn’t get to that point before she turned eighteen because it wasn’t just penetration he wanted to avoid, it was all sexual activity. Hell, even the level of desire he felt at the thought of kissing her made him feel like a creep.

But now his plan was all thrown off, the snowball started too soon, and he knew it would take herculean effort to freeze it in place.

Because he wanted her. Even red-nosed and puffy-eyed, he wanted to taste her again.

His heart picked up, and he thought maybe the closed door had been a bad idea.

So when she said, “I should get back,” clearly wanting him to tell her to stay, for him to pepper her with reassurances, he straightened and nodded and told her that was a good idea.

She left in pain, and it hurt to watch, but he didn’t stop her.

Because he really did need space to figure his own shit out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Critical Mass 1 of 2, Complete
> 
> This has been the plan all along. All. Along. All that cute intimacy building up? Boom. Implosion.
> 
> I was honestly planning to detail _Rey's_ reaction after the kiss, but I realized that her reaction was going to be a lot of sadness and his was more complex and therefore more worth reading.
> 
> The state law in this fic is that the age of consent is 17, but Ben has a personal hard limit of 18. If you want an explanation for why, I guess the answer is "culture"? Like how websites ask if you're 18+ before letting you see explicit things, all those guys on American cop shows swearing they thought she was 18, etc etc, so that number could easily worm its way into his psyche as _the_ age of consent, a number beyond which there is no moral grey area.
> 
> Now. Give me your tears. I will save them up and drink them to nourish myself. (Too creepy? Too creepy. I'll dial it down. But yeah, I've been looking forward to this.)


	28. Prom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Critical Mass 2 of 2
> 
> I feel like I need to hug each and every one of you individually to make up for last chapter.

It was the following Wednesday, just a few days before prom, and Ben was trying to read at his desk when Lusica Stynnix approached. Everyone else was busy with their robot kits. Rey sat with her back to him, Rose and Finn flanking her. They and Poe had been tossing him dirty looks ever since her birthday, and while Ben didn’t find that hard to take — he didn’t care if they liked him or not — Rey walking on eggshells around him filled him with a confusing level of guilt.

He’d asked her for space, and she’d given it to him. As a sort of compromise, he’d attended dinner the way he’d always done, though he didn’t linger after and nobody actually seemed to enjoy it.

Even his dad had stopped trying to lighten the mood, and it took a lot to make Han Solo give up.

“Are you going to prom, Mr. Solo?”

Ben narrowed his eyes at Lusica, trying to find her angle. “Unfortunately.” He would be chaperoning, which meant spending four hours listening to terrible pop music, watching the punch bowl for tampering, and breaking up couples who decided public indecency didn’t count if it was dark enough.

“You know Rey has a date, right?”

Ben’s entire body tensed, flooded with shock and followed by the urge to hurt someone. It took him too long to respond, and Lusica had begun to smirk when he said, “That’s detention.”

Her face fell. “Are you kidding me?”

He turned back to his book. “We talked about this, Miss Stynnix.”

“But—”

“Argue, and it’s another.”

She stomped away.

Ben glanced at the back of Rey’s head and tried very very hard not to wonder who her date was.

* * *

Rey got her official soulmate ID card in the mail the morning of prom. She turned it this way and that, letting the holographic overlay catch the light. It had her information on one side and Ben’s on the other.

She’d forgotten that he’d put the paperwork through right after the bond, and she found it highly ironic that the card arrived while she was still getting used to the idea of a platonic soulmate relationship.

Highly ironic and highly painful.

Since her birthday, she’d used the practice dummy between frequent bouts of self-pity, driving her body to exhaustion just so she could sleep at night. She knew this wasn’t her, this pitiful creature so dependent on another person for happiness, and she determined every day to do better and find her own way and not let heartbreak define her.

Because it _was_ heartbreak. Every night she saw him at dinner, the four of them smothered by tension, and every night she watched him leave.

And it fucking _hurt_.

But she couldn’t quite regret kissing him, because at least now she knew.

He wasn’t in love with her.

A part of her, the sad miserable pathetic part she would cut out of herself if she knew how, wished she could be as calm and cool and beautiful as Paige, because then maybe she’d have a chance with him.

Paige herself had had no wisdom to share and had confessed herself at a loss. _I am surprised he’d walk away like that_ , she’d texted when Rey had turned to her for answers. _I’m so sorry._

Rey tried not to hold it against her, but it was difficult. She so very badly wanted someone to blame.

But there was no one to blame. She couldn’t blame herself for loving him any more than she could blame him for not loving her. It was a cruel cosmic trick that had been played on them, but it wasn’t anyone’s fault. And he would still be there, in her life. She supposed that was a bright side. She'd have him, even if she couldn't _have_ him.

As part of her efforts to come to terms with her new reality, Rey called Thomas to invite him to prom. As friends. She’d felt compelled to tell him a little of what was going on with her and Ben just so he wouldn’t be going in blind, and it only seemed fair that he know she was working through something as huge as being romantically rejected by her soulmate.

Thomas had been surprisingly understanding.

“If there’s anything I can do,” he’d said, and she’d appreciated it.

Rey hoped the fact that she woke up on Saturday excited for the dance meant she was coming out of her funk, even though the soulmate card’s arrival put a damper on her mood.

“What do you have there?” Leia asked as they drove toward their nail appointment.

Rey held the card up even though Leia couldn’t really look while driving. “Soulmate ID.”

Leia nodded and glanced briefly over. “They’ve changed the color since my day. Used to be more purple. And less shimmery.”

Rey dug in her big, shapeless brown purse and found her wallet to slip the card inside. In a small voice, she asked, “Do you think he’s still mad at me?”

“I don’t think he was ever mad.”

Rey hesitated before confessing, “He said he was.”

Leia’s brows went up and her lips pressed together in a tight line. Under her breath, as if she didn’t want Rey to hear, she growled, “That dumbass.” Then she huffed and shook her head. Almost to herself, she said, “I promised I’d stay out of it.”

Rey cocked her head to the side. “When?”

Leia turned into the salon’s parking lot. “Early on. He didn’t ask me to. Didn't have to.” A slight smile. “I know better than most what happens when you offer unsolicited advice to soulmates. It’s never welcome. Never.”

“What about solicited advice?”

Leia maneuvered into a parking space. “Are you soliciting?”

Rey fidgeted for a moment, the car turning off with the soft clink of Leia’s keys. Seatbelts clicked. “How can I get him to talk to me again?”

Leia frowned and was quiet for a long time. “You could give him time. Or kick his ass.”

Rey snorted at that.

“Or just ask.” Leia met her eye. “It’s very difficult to ignore a soulmate, especially when they’re right there asking you to talk to them. It takes a lot of energy to say no.”

Rey ducked her head, remembering the agonizing conversation in his classroom and the nightmares she’d had after he’d left her at the airport. “What if he does?”

“ _Then_ you kick his ass.” Leia reached for her door handle and added, “Metaphorically. I like his face the way it is.”

Rey nodded. She did, too.

Which was exactly the kind of thought she needed to nip in the bud. _Platonic,_ she reminded herself. She got out of the car and reveled in the fact that she was no longer hampered by crutches or protective footwear, her sneakers quiet on the asphalt as she rounded the back of the car.

Leia took Rey’s arm in her strong grip and guided her toward the salon. “You promise me one thing, though.”

“What?”

“You don’t worry about any of that tonight. You focus on you, on having fun. Okay?”

Rey smiled. “Okay.”

* * *

Acrylic nails were the single most impractical thing Rey had ever done in her life.

“How do you do _anything_ with these?” she asked over lunch at Wicket’s as she picked up her glass and grimaced at the odd pressure it put on her nail beds. Her nails had been short that morning, but a young woman had plopped her in a chair and performed some sort of wizardry that left them longer.

“You get used to it,” Leia assured her.

“At least they’re not some weird color,” said Han, looking as skeptical of the change as Rey felt. The nails were a glossy beige with blindingly white tips. Rey didn’t know why she needed longer nails, especially if they were decorated to look like normal nails. What was the point?

With a twinkle in her eye, Leia told Han, “You never complain when you have an itch you can’t reach.”

He considered and nodded. “True enough.”

Leia had oval nails at a perfectly respectable length. She’d gotten a manicure in the chair beside Rey’s and offered to get Rey a pedicure, but Rey had vehemently declined.

Her fingers were one thing, but she didn’t want anyone messing with her feet.

When they got home after lunch, Han invited Rey into the garage. She followed as Leia warned them both not to get any grease under Rey’s new manicure.

Han dug around in the Falcon for a few seconds and then hopped out and showed Rey what he had in his palm.

Mace.

He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck as she took it and inspected it. “In case anybody gives you trouble. I know you can take care of yourself, but a little backup is always smart.”

Rey smiled at the item in her hand and then up at Han. “I don’t think I’m going to be attacked at a school dance.”

“No,” he said with a nod. “No, I don’t think you will. Your date seems like a good kid. And he’s scrawny, you could kick his ass, which I gotta admit is a relief. But there’ll be alcohol and maybe some drugs floating around, and it’s better to be safe, yeah?”

Rey nodded, trying not to laugh at Han’s assessment of Thomas.

“And you’ll be fine at the dance — Ben’ll be there, he won’t let anything happen to you.” Rey’s heart clenched at that, a rough painful throb behind her ribs, and her grip on the mace tightened involuntarily. “But if you step out for a minute or walk somewhere with your friends… just be careful.” He looked at his workbench. “Ought to fit in that dumb little purse Leia got you. The silver thing.”

Moved by his concern, Rey wrapped her arms around Han’s neck and gave him a hug. He patted her awkwardly on the back, muttering, “Yeah, okay.”

When she stepped back, unable to stop smiling, he tried to look unaffected and led her gruffly back inside.

* * *

“Is it even legal to take mace to a school event?” Rey asked Leia as she sat on the counter in Leia’s bathroom and looked up so Leia could line her eyes.

“Better not risk it,” Leia said, her breath brushing across Rey’s face and her perfume filling the room. “You’re not planning on leaving the dance?”

Rey shrugged. “No.”

“You should be fine, then.”

Rey and Leia had similar complexions, though Rey was more tan. Leia skipped foundation and focused on Rey’s eyes, using browns to enhance them. She brushed blush over Rey’s cheekbones and had her make a weird face to apply lipstick a few shades rosier than her natural lips.

“There,” she said when she finished. “Take a look.”

Rey twisted to look in the mirror behind her. She leaned in and studied her face critically, uncomfortable with the fact that it wasn’t the face she was used to. She finally decided that she didn’t hate it and gave Leia a nod.

“It’s lighter than formalwear calls for, but you’d probably wash it off when you got there if I slathered it on.” Rey opened her mouth to protest, but Leia waved a hand at her with a knowing smirk. “Don’t try to deny it, you’re too much like Han, and he hates getting dressed up.”

Rey smiled self-consciously at what was obviously a fond comparison.

“Hair next. I was thinking loose curls, nothing too fussy so you don’t have to mess with it if something goes askew.”

Leia plugged in a curling iron and examined Rey’s face as it heated up. “If you had pierced ears, I’d lend you my mother’s diamond earrings.”

“And let me worry about losing them all night?” Rey wrinkled her nose. “No thanks.”

Leia laughed. “How about a bracelet, then? Something to go with your dress.”

Rey raised a brow. “As long as it's not diamond.”

It had been a joke, but Rey sobered when Leia raised a brow right back at her and said, “Heirlooms aren’t any fun when all they do is sit in a safe gathering dust. I want to see something of my mother’s go out tonight.” She tilted her chin down and looked imploringly through her lashes. “Please?”

Rey frowned, hesitant. “What if I lose it?”

“It’s insured. And even though it has sentimental value, things like that are meant to be seen. I’m willing to take the chance.”

Rey looked into Leia’s warm brown eyes and relented. “If you really want me to.”

Leia smiled. “I do.”

Leia held a hand over the curling iron and deemed it hot enough, then parted Rey’s hair into sections to curl each one separately. She was careful to keep the hot iron from brushing Rey’s skin, her hands strong and gentle as she worked. When she finished, she took a large can of hairspray and made Rey cover her face with her hands. Leia swore that the choking cloud would keep the curls from falling limp, and Rey wondered why she couldn’t just wear her hair straight and avoid all the fuss.

But that seemed to be what prom was all about — fuss. A lot of it. Rose and Finn were sharing a limo with Poe and his date, a senior girl named Korrie. They’d invited Rey and Thomas to join, but Rey had declined because of the cost. Leia would probably be willing to cover it, but she'd done more than enough already.

 _Much_ more than enough.

Leia took a step back when her work was finished and smiled. “There. Now, go get dressed and meet me in the backyard. I’m going to dig out that bracelet and take some pictures before Thomas gets here.”

Rey slipped down the stairs and into her room, her heart lighter than it had been in days. She’d laid her dress and shoes out — silver flats that matched the little clutch Leia had gotten with the dress — and wiggled into it while trying not to smear anything from her face onto the fabric.

Makeup, she decided, was almost as impractical as acrylic nails.

So were curls, if she were being perfectly honest, but she had to admit as she checked herself in the bathroom mirror that she looked good.

She _felt_ good.

The pathetic little voice that had been her companion too often of late said it was all for Ben, but Rey ruthlessly squashed that thought. _None_ of tonight was about Ben. Not one second of it except for right now because really she just needed to shove that stupid voice down a little bit harder to make it shut up.

It pissed her off how much her thoughts wanted to veer toward him. Careen, really. Like a car going over a cliff to crash at the bottom in flaming wreckage, _like the kiss had_ , she reminded that little voice.

Which shut it the fuck up.

She went back in her room and grabbed her phone out of her tiny silver purse and started to text Rose to ask if it was normal to think about someone this much, since Rose was the only girl she knew with a boyfriend, but stopped and deleted the text. Rose would be getting ready for prom with her mother and sister, and Rey didn’t want to interrupt their family bonding time.

She could ask tomorrow.

She put her phone and wallet into her clutch and slipped her flats on. She double-checked that nothing was showing that shouldn’t be and finally left her room.

Han raised his beer in salute when she stepped out onto the back patio. “You clean up good, kid.”

Leia’s eyes shone suspiciously, but she only stood up to fasten a wide bracelet around Rey’s wrist as Rey stared at it. When she thought diamond bracelet, she thought of maybe _one_ diamond or a _row_ at most, not this… this sparkling opulence.

She shifted her wrist and watched the stones catch the light in a hypnotic way.

Rey didn’t deserve to wear something so pretty. Her eyes filled, and Leia dabbed the tears away with her thumb before they could fall. “Neither of us wants to reapply your eyeliner,” she said brusquely, her own voice thick. She turned to the table and grabbed a tube of lipstick, which she handed to Rey. “Put this in your bag. You’ll want to reapply after you eat or drink.”

Rey nodded and took the excuse of tucking the lipstick away to get hold of herself. It was just a bracelet.

“You got your pepper spray?” Han asked.

Rey looked at Leia, who said, “I told her she couldn’t take it.” Han started to argue with her, but Leia placed one fist on her hip and glared at him. “You really want her suspended for bringing something like that?”

Han waved her off. “She won’t be.”

“It won’t fit, anyway,” Rey said apologetically, lifting the clutch. “My phone and wallet don’t leave enough room.”

Han grunted irritably, and Leia grabbed her phone off the table. “Picture time!”

Rey posed awkwardly in front of Leia’s bushes until Thomas arrived.

Leia took photos of the awkward ceremony of attaching flowers to each other (Rey had briefly panicked when she saw the wrist corsage, but Leia sent Han inside for the boutonniere she’d had ready). Then she made them pose in a variety of different positions until Rey’s smile started to hurt and Han told his wife to stop, and then Leia made _Han_ pose with Rey. The result made Leia smile and say she was sending that one to Chewie.

Last, before she let them go, Leia asked Thomas to take one of Rey with Leia and Han.

The smile for that one didn’t feel remotely forced.

After, Leia hugged Rey with tears in her eyes as Han led Thomas to the car — he would be driving them but not in the Falcon because Leia had insisted the Falcon wasn’t fit for evening-wear. Han had grumbled at the slight to his van but had relented.

Leia drew back and looked Rey in the eye. “You look so lovely.”

Rey blushed. “Thanks.”

“Now. What are you going to do tonight?”

“Um… be safe?”

“And?”

“Not drink?”

“Aaaand?”

Rey drew a blank.

“Have fun,” Leia said.

Rey laughed. “Oh. Yeah, that too.”

Leia released her, and Rey turned to head for the garage when Leia added, “And be home by two at the latest.”

Rey tossed a smile over her shoulder. “Will do.”

* * *

Rey fidgeted with her skirt on the ride to the dance, nervous excitement making it hard to sit still.

“How are your feet?” Thomas asked from the other side of the back seat.

Rey pulled her layers of skirt up a few inches to expose her silver flats. “I shouldn’t be doing any barefoot rock climbing, but otherwise they’re mostly healed. I do still have a bandage where the nail got me.” She slipped a foot out and tilted it so he could see the simple white square over the area and the fresh pink scars where her other cuts had healed, then put her foot back in the shoe. “But that’s because it’s healing slower after it got infected.”

“Do tell me more about being infected,” he replied with a teasing quirk of a smile.

Rey laughed and wrinkled her nose at him, dropping her skirt back over her shoes. “Sorry. Not the most pleasant conversation topic.”

He shrugged easily. “I did ask.”

“You did,” she agreed.

“So,” said Thomas. “I have never been to an American dance. What should I expect?”

Rey shrugged. “I’m not sure. I’ve never been to an American dance, either.”

“Have you been to _any_ dances?” he asked politely.

Rey shook her head. “Not a one.”

“I have been to two,” Thomas said, nodding sagely. “The first was in Year Nine, when I went with some mates, and we spent the whole time standing in a corner talking about video games. The second was Year Eleven. Again with mates, but that time we kept daring each other to ask someone to dance.”

“Did you?”

He shook his head, smiling. “No. Unrepentant cowards, the lot of us.”

Rey laughed.

The sun wasn’t even down yet when they arrived at the venue, a nice hotel out near Wicket’s which had an event hall for rent.

Han stopped behind a limo disgorging girls with curls piled on their heads and boys in tuxes. He turned to look back at Rey. “Got your phone?”

She raised her clutch, remembering how horrified Leia had been when Rey said she could just take her old leather purse. “Yep.”

“And your tickets?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, text or call when you need a ride home.”

Rey opened her door with a cheerful, “Will do!”

She climbed out to find Thomas waiting by the trunk with a wry smile.

“I think I’m supposed to get the door _for_ you,” he said.

Rey glanced back. “Oh. Well, too late.”

He held out an elbow. “At least let me escort you in properly?”

Rey grinned and looped her arm cheerfully through his. “Sure!” She looked over her shoulder and waved her clutch goodbye as Han pulled out into the mess of cars trying to disgorge teenagers. She didn’t think he saw her, but she had a spring in her step when she turned back to the entrance.

There was a short line in front of the building, only just plumped by the group from the limo, but it moved quickly. Rey got their tickets out, feeling jittery and a little nervous as they got closer to the doors. Was Ben working the table? Would she have to face him right away?

He was not, but her Calculus teacher, Mr. Tippett, was. Rey smiled at his cheerful greeting and handed him her tickets. “Have fun,” he told her, and she beamed back and thanked him.

She took Thomas’s elbow again, but she was tense as they walked toward the event hall. Thomas glanced at her. “Holding up okay?”

“Just nervous. It’s fine.” Her fingers tightened.

“I didn’t ask before,” he murmured, raising a brow as a couple shoved past. “Was it a breakup or…?”

“To break up you have to be going out,” she replied in an undertone. “It was… rejection.”

Thomas squeezed her arm with his. “I’m sorry.”

Rey nodded. “It’s fine. I’m not going to let it ruin my night.”

“Of course not,” Thomas agreed, and not for the first time Rey found herself glad she’d asked him along.

When they stepped inside the event hall's soothing darkness, the daylight outside didn’t matter. There were no windows, and the lights were off, the room lit only by fairy lights reflecting off shimmery stars hanging from the ceiling.

Rey’s lips parted as she took the room in, the gauzy hangings around the walls and the ethereal starry ceiling. Without thinking, she stepped further against Thomas, her arm pressed against his side. “I love it,” she said.

He smiled and nodded, examining the decorations for himself. “It’s quite nice.”

Rey couldn’t stop herself from scanning the room for the tallest person there, but the moment she saw him in the corner to her right, someone jostled them and she had to lead Thomas out of the doorway.

She nudged Thomas left, having spotted the food tables while looking for Ben. She didn’t look back as they walked, but she tried to sneak glances from the table, which was decorated with more twinkle lights and handfuls of star-shaped confetti.

Ben was obscured by darkness now, but she’d seen enough to know he wore a suit and tie — the teachers didn’t go formal — and his frown had been lit by a phone screen as he’d taken a photo for a trio of girls.

He’d looked good.

 _Really_ good.

He hadn’t seen her, and the part of her she was really starting to hate (which sounded a little bit like Lusica, now that she thought about it) despaired that she hadn’t been able to make a dramatic entrance where he would be blinded by her beauty and realize his mistake and fall at her feet.

Rey wrinkled her nose and popped a grape into her mouth, chewing and glancing in his direction even though a group on the other side of the table blocked her view.

She didn’t even _want_ some cheesy rom-com moment. She just… wanted _him_.

 _Enough,_ she told herself. _He is not an option, and you’re not here for him. You’re here for you._

With a determined nod, she turned and started looking around for her friends. This night was going to be great. Not perfect, not a fairy tale, but a bloody good time.

* * *

Ben was pissed and doing his best not to let it show. He’d had to be there an hour early while the dance committee put the finishing touches on their cheap decorations and the caterer set out finger-foods and punch. He’d been roped into helping re-affix a few stars to the ceiling, so he’d already been annoyed by the time the dance committee turned the lights _off_ and the eardrum-rattling shit they called music _on_.

Every prom theme was stupid, but this year’s was both stupid _and_ cheesy: Evening Under The Stars. He couldn’t think of anything more generic. Well, maybe if the theme had been Prom. Put some balloons and confetti everywhere and a sign that said, “Prom.” That would be worse. Maybe.

He spent a lot of time in the darkest corner furthest from the speakers wishing he’d worn a black shirt with his black suit and tie so he’d be harder for anyone to spot. Kids kept asking him to take insipid pictures of them and their friends with their smartphones, and Ben kept accidentally hitting the back button because _every fucking phone had it in a different place_. And also, his fingers were too big. Bumping the wrong button was almost guaranteed.

So he didn’t even see when Rey arrived, only found her when he spotted Finn and Rose in the thickening crowd. He realized right away why he hadn’t noticed her sooner — she didn’t look at all like herself. She had her hair down and the typical prom dress silhouette, and while it didn’t change her looks _too_ much it was not what he usually looked for when trying to find her.

Not that he’d been looking for her. Not actively. But there was part of him that always looked twice at girls who looked like her, as if he was always searching for her wherever he went, and that part was surprised that he hadn’t locked onto her the moment she’d stepped in.

Now that he’d seen her, he kept track of her even while taking more pictures with students’ phones.

She did look nice in the dress. He hadn’t been lying when he’d told her she’d probably look nice in it, and really she should have been grateful that he hadn’t said what he really thought — that prom dresses all looked alike to him and were a total waste of money.

But she did look nice. She looked just as nice as she did when she wore overalls or her school uniform or his old shirts because it didn’t matter what she wore. Not to him.

Well, it would matter if she was naked. In his vicinity or in anyone else’s, but right now especially in the vicinity of that blonde twig handing her a cup of fruit punch (Ben had kept half an eye on the punch bowl, so he was fairly sure it was safe).

If he tried anything, Ben would… He stopped that train of thought and looked away, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off her for long.

Rey and her date talked to Finn and Rose as they drank their punch, then the small group moved to the dance floor. The blonde boy was constrained in his movements, though he eventually seemed to relax and enjoy himself. Rose looked to be having fun, and though Ben would be hard pressed to define her dancing as any sort of “style,” she fit in well enough with the rest of the hapless crowd. Finn was probably the best dancer of the four, and though Rey was not at all skilled, she shared Finn’s level of enthusiasm and that made Ben smile.

It soothed his baser instincts to see that she took her date over to the food when the slow songs came on. She would pile one of the tiny plastic plates high and gesture effusively as she talked. It was fucking adorable. He thought perhaps she’d chosen not to slow dance at all, and that almost made up for having to be there in the first place.

So he wasn’t in the _worst_ possible mood when Tippett found him an hour into the dance and said, “We need you out front.”

Ben waved at another teacher across the way to signal that he’d be stepping out and followed an anxious Tippett into a mess of students being wrangled by an older woman in a shapeless knee-length dress and cardigan. Ben recognized her from faculty meetings, Mrs… what was it? Mrs. Reese. She taught history.

He’d expected that Tippett wanted him for his size and intimidation factor, perhaps even to help restrain someone, but he was confronted instead with a couple of girls sobbing on a bench as Lusica Stynnix yelled at boys bigger than her. One of the boys was yelling back while Mrs. Reese tried to interfere.

Ben recognized one of the girls from the robotics club among the criers, but he’d never bothered to learn her name. It was Emily or Emory or Avery or something like that.

Kaydel Ko Connix turned and greeted him, relief plain on her face. “Oh, good. You’re here.”

“What’s going on?” he asked, hoping that he hadn’t been called to help with the criers. He was about as comfortable with crying girls as his dad was.

“Some of the boys were drinking and they won’t let them in, but they also won’t let the rest of us in, and Luce is in one of her moods about it. But she can’t yell at the teachers, so she’s yelling at the boys.” Kaydel sighed. “Plus Emmy’s date said he only brought her because he lost a game of rock-paper-scissors with his friend. It’s the worst.”

Emmy, then. “And what am I supposed to do?”

Kaydel looked up at him with an _isn’t it obvious?_ frown. “Fix it.”

Fix it.

Ben stared at her, wondering how she thought he could do _anything_ about this clusterfuck.

He lifted his gaze from Kaydel’s brown eyes and the scary level of trust there to the crying Emmy and the incensed Lusica, and he felt a stirring of protectiveness he hadn’t been prepared for.

These were _his_ kids.

Ben closed his eyes, his jaw shifting as he considered. “Bring me Emmy and her date,” he told Kaydel, then waded forward and put a hand on Mrs. Reese’s shoulder. “I got this,” he said when she looked back at him.

She stepped aside with a shrug. “They’re all yours.”

“Stynnix,” he bit out.

She turned and blinked at him, her color high. “They won’t let us _in_. And these jackasses—” She stopped when Ben held up a hand.

Kaydel arrived with her friend tucked under her arm. Emmy.

Ben jerked his head toward the boys. “Which one?”

Kaydel pointed at a stout boy with blue eyes, shaggy brown hair, and a flare of acne on his cheek.

Ben met Lusica’s eye and pointed at the boy. “Has that one been drinking?”

She nodded.

He locked onto the boy, stepped forward, raised his arm to point at the exit, and growled, “Get the _fuck_ out.”

The boy, who hadn’t been yelling at Lusica but hadn’t been trying to stop his friend from doing so, blanched and took a step back.

Ben loomed. “ _Now_.”

The boy took another step back and then shuffled toward the door, looking between Ben and his friends as if they could help them.

Ben turned his glare to Emmy and bit his words out as if he could jam them into her brain by sheer force of will. “He. Isn’t. Worth it.”

Her red-rimmed eyes widened, and she slowly nodded.

He turned to Lusica and glowered. “You get everyone who hasn’t been drinking and take them inside.” He stared hard into her eyes to let his words sink in. “I’m trusting you. If I find out you’ve taken _one_ person in who’s been drinking, it’s _my_ ass. Do you understand?”

She nodded, her shoulders straightening like a soldier in a regiment.

He nodded back. “Get to it.” He turned to the boys Lusica had been yelling at and casually jerked a thumb at the exit. “You assholes. Out.”

They started to argue, but Ben interrupted them, using his size to his advantage and invading their space to shut them up. “The next step here is calling the cops, who will give you breathalyzers. If you fail them and you’re eighteen, the school can press charges. So I suggest you get. The fuck. Out.”

The group of boys didn’t break right away, but Ben had more experience intimidating people. He stared them down until their leader turned and left, the others following.

Kaydel was waiting when he turned back, her eyes sparkling with gratitude. “Thanks, Mr. Solo.”

He nodded at her, uncomfortable with displays of emotion, and she entered the dance.

Once the entryway had cleared, Mrs. Reese stepped up beside him and said with disapproving mildness, “That’s not how we’re supposed to handle that.”

Ben shrugged. “Blame me.” He turned to go back inside. “And call the cops if those kids come back.” He glanced at Tippett, who’d stood back and watched the whole thing. “If you don’t need me for anything else?”

Tippett shook his head and gave Ben a thumbs up, clearly more pleased with how things had gone down than Mrs. Reese.

When Ben pushed back through the doors, he noted that the music had dimmed and a few lights were on at the far end of the room. A girl in a gold sequin dress with a slit up the side held a microphone and was thanking the dance committee for putting everything together. Ben moved to the side and clapped politely, much less enthusiastic than the students, who whistled and whooped. Then the girl unveiled a pair of cheap but sparkly costume crowns and started the ceremony to announce the prom king and queen. All the nominees were seniors, and Ben knew several of them from his classes. Of course one of the boys was Poe.

Who _definitely_ still hated him for the way he’d left Rey at the airport, judging by the general assholery Ben had been putting up with in class. Poe had been coming in late, raising his hand in the middle of lectures to ask to go to the bathroom, sharpening his pencil multiple times per class, rambling when asked a question, and drawing various doodles of steaming piles of shit on his quizzes and homework assignments. He didn’t even have to add the little arrow and the word “you” for Ben to get the message, but Poe obliged anyway.

Ben let him get away with most of it unless it disrupted class because he wasn’t entirely sure that he didn’t deserve it.

Poe won prom king, which shouldn’t have been surprising. Poe had a knack for making people smile, an ability Ben had _never_ possessed, and that knack had obviously made him popular. Ben clapped along with the assembled crowd, again less enthusiastically than anyone else, and saw Rey cup her hands around her mouth and cheer. A pang of jealousy startled him, and he locked onto Rey’s freckled shoulders while telling himself to stop.

Then, the more dramatic announcement (because who really gave a fuck about prom king) of prom queen. The winner was a girl Ben didn’t know. She had olive skin, piles of luxurious brown hair, and a dress that showed off her flat midriff. Poe seemed pleased about getting to dance with her in the middle of the empty floor.

Rey stood and watched instead of retreating to the food this time. She had a soft smile on her face but her eyes looked sad. Ben wanted to tuck her under his chin and make the sadness go away, but the thought of touching her made his fingers twitch and he held himself very still until the urge passed.

When the song ended, someone played a snippet of Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher,” and the girl with the microphone announced that it was time for chaperones to bust a move.

“Oh shit,” he muttered, alarmed, and started to turn toward the exit but found himself blocked by the students he’d just helped get into the dance, all of them smiling hopefully at him.

“No,” he told them sternly.

“Come on, Mr. Solo,” Lusica wheedled, and _of course_ it was her leading the pack. “I’ve been looking forward to this all week. Show us your stuff!”

Ben’s eye twitched. The adrenaline that had risen in the entryway turned on him, going sour. He took a step back, and Lusica moved in to take one arm while Kaydel laughingly took the other, both of them pulling him toward the dance floor, but he jerked back and out of their grips. “No.”

Kaydel stopped, but Lusica tried to reach for him again. “Don’t be a spoilsport. Come on.”

“ _No_ ,” he said again, more firmly this time.

Jessika Pava approached with an athletically built dark-skinned boy and grinned up at him. “You going to dance for us, Mr. Solo?”

It was interesting how he could be so angry _for_ “his” kids and then five minutes later so angry _at_ them. “I am not,” he said, biting off the “t” at the end.

And then there she was, his personal valkyrie, interjecting herself with a touch on Jessika’s arm and a word in Lusica’s ear. She led the crowd away before he had entirely processed what was going on, her arm linked with Lusica’s, and tossed a single glance back at him. He didn’t know if she’d intended to meet his eye, but once their gazes locked he was lost.

It hadn’t been this bad before. He used to be able to meet her eye without his heart falling over itself to lurch toward her. This was different. The pull was stronger, and it had been ever since her birthday.

He stepped back against the wall behind him and jerked his attention off of Rey only to find her date looking at him thoughtfully. Ben narrowed his eyes at the boy, whose eyes went wide before he looked away.

Ben felt a moment’s vicious satisfaction before Poe in his cheesy crown found Rey’s date, slung a friendly arm around his shoulders, and smirked at Ben behind the blonde boy’s head before leading him over to join Rey.

_Son of a—_

Ben’s fists clenched. He needed to get out of there, to cool off, but he again found his retreat blocked by students. These weren’t from the club, just students from his classes who wanted to see him make a fool of himself on the dance floor like the basketball coach was. They were easier to dissuade, but two of them stayed to talk to him, and he finally had to point at the door and tell them he needed to go.

Ben went to the bathroom just so he wouldn’t be pacing the hall where kids lined up to have their prom pictures taken. The photo booth was slow just then, a handful of kids, and would probably close up around ten-thirty when the caterers left.

The men’s room door opened and closed while Ben was washing his hands. Poe entered, ridiculous crown in his hand, and stood between Ben and the doorway, arms crossed.

“What do you want, Dameron?” Ben asked, grabbing a paper towel.

“You to go to hell?” Poe replied cordially enough, considering the forbidding set to his brows. “Die in a fire?”

Ben raised a neutral brow, though the twitch in his eye might have betrayed his simmering anger. He wasn’t in the mood for Poe Dameron's shit.

“You know, people didn’t like you, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. You were Rey’s soulmate, so you couldn’t be _all_ bad. But then you go and prove me wrong.” Poe shook his head, and Ben remained still and silent, body tense. “We found her crying and cold and alone. And I thought, ‘Man, this asshole. He’d better have a fucking good apology after this,’ but what happened?" Poe pointed his crown at Ben. "Jack. Shit. She deserves better than that, better than _you_. I fucking _hate_ that she’s stuck with you.”

It occurred to him that maybe Poe wanted her. Ben’s vision went a little red around the edges at the thought, but he pulled himself the slightest bit back from that edge and asked in a tone that surprised him for its mildness, “Are you finished?”

Poe glowered, and Ben stepped into his space. The boy didn’t give way, but his nostrils flared like a bull spotting a red cape. Ben knew it was childish how much pissing Poe off pleased him.

Still in that unnaturally calm voice, he said, “I don’t know exactly when you decided that my business was yours, but I don’t owe you an explanation.”

He elbowed Poe aside, and for a moment he thought he’d have the last word.

But of course not. Not with Poe Dameron.

“Maybe not,” Poe said as Ben's hand touched the door. “But you owe _her_ one.”

* * *

Ben returned in the middle of a slow song and glanced immediately toward the food, expecting to see Rey there.

He stopped walking when he couldn’t find her.

Slowly and with growing dread, he scanned the rest of the room and spotted her on the dance floor, arms wrapped around her date’s neck, the boy’s hands on the curve where waist met hip.

The sight hit him like a punch in the gut and he retreated to his earlier corner, feeling like _Beowulf_ ’s Grendel — torn open and slinking off to lick his wounds in the dark.

Of course, Grendel died from his wounds, and Rey’s date was _far_ closer to a grisly end just then.

Ben clenched his fists until his blunt nails cut into his palms. He wanted to rip that boy out of Rey’s arms and keep ripping, slam his fist into the kid’s face until there was nothing left but blood and bone.

The force of the urge scared him. He hadn’t felt this out of control since high school.

He closed his eyes and took deep breaths, counting to ten before letting them back out. He did this until the slow song ended, and then he opened his eyes and locked onto Rey. She was stepping out of her date’s arms and turning to her friends. She said something that made Finn laugh, and Ben focused on the innocuous interaction and tried to stop the trembling in his limbs. The blonde boy stayed near her but didn’t put his hands back on her, and Ben took more deep breaths and tried to convince his hindbrain that the kid wasn’t a threat.

 _He’s not her soulmate._ You _are._

Instead of calming him, the pulse of possessiveness in his blood thrummed more powerfully. After the interaction with Poe in the bathroom, he felt an insane urge to stake his claim. He wanted to march over there and pull her into his arms and snarl at anyone who tried to take her away.

The boy touched Rey’s elbow, and she turned and smiled and leaned in as he leaned down to speak to her, and Ben’s hands clenched. She tilted her head so the boy's lips were close to her ear, but it had looked for a moment like they were about to kiss.

Poe moved into Ben's line of sight, looking at the couple, before he tossed Ben a smug look and flipped him off. Finn saw the move and glanced between Poe and Ben before stepping toward Poe to say something. Poe replied, nonchalant, and Finn frowned and said something else. This didn’t go over as well with Poe, and they turned their backs to Ben’s corner and put their heads together for a semi-private conversation.

Ben tried to see Rey past them. He could see her date’s hair because he was maybe an inch taller than Poe, so he knew they hadn’t moved. His mind started filling in details based on things he’d seen at other dances, the stupid shit kids got up to even in the middle of the room, and he couldn’t stop himself from imagining the kid running his hand down Rey’s leg to gather her skirt, fumbling to push it up and slip a hand underneath, maybe just rub up against her while palming the bare flesh of her thigh, or trailing his hand up to grip her ass and pull her tighter against him…

Ben sucked in a breath and told himself it was all in his head, but his body had already reacted, leaving him shaking with the desire to hurt someone.

He had to get out of there.

He shoved out of the doors and past Tippett and Reese, cutting Tippett’s concerned, “Solo?” off with a sharp motion, and began to pace the hall around the corner where the photographer had set up. He tried to scrub away the image of Rey tipping her face up to her date’s, the image of hands on her as they danced. He slowed and tried to look less crazy when a few students trickled past — a group of girls going to the bathroom who giggled when they saw him, and a pair of couples headed to the photographer.

He was pacing back, still agitated, when Rey’s date rounded the corner just ahead. The boy was oblivious for a moment as he looked for the men’s room, his feet carrying him closer before his eyes met Ben’s and widened. He stumbled to a stop, but Ben bore down on him without thinking about it and grabbed him, lifting him by his shirt to slam him into the wall. He leaned in as the kid gasped and grabbed for purchase at his wrists. “Don’t fucking _touch_ her.”

The boy's face lost all color, and Ben dropped him and slammed his fist into the wall only a few inches from the boy's head, but something snapped in his hand. Ben made an inhuman sound, and it cleared his head enough to realize he was standing over a terrified teenage boy who hadn't done anything worse than go to a stupid school dance with the girl Ben loved.

Fuck.

Ben stumbled back and left the kid staring after him, fleeing the hallway and the building and walking until he found a quiet spot by the outside wall where no one could find him. There, he let the pain overtake him.

* * *

Someone came to tell Rey that her soulmate and date had gotten into a fight, half-yelling into her ear to be heard over the music. It was someone she didn’t know but who was definitely more excited by the situation than they should have been.

Once she understood what was going on, Rey pushed past the speaker and picked up her skirts to run, her friends behind her.

Her first worry was for Thomas, so she was infinitely relieved when she found him shaken but in one piece near the bathrooms. He was surrounded by a group of people who seemed to be making sure he was okay.

“What happened?” she asked, looking him over. His shirt was rumpled but he seemed unhurt. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” He opened his mouth, then looked at the crowd and led her by the elbow toward an empty section of floor where they could have a modicum of privacy. “I think you’re wrong,” he said, his expression serious and intent.

Rey frowned in confusion. “About what?”

“Him. I don’t think he’s indifferent to you.” He took a shaky breath and added, “Also he’s huge. And very scary.”

Rey glanced back at the crowd. It wasn’t just her friends who'd followed her out — several of the club members had trailed behind with their dates. Rey saw Lusica and Kaydel standing with Jessika.

She looked back at Thomas. “What exactly did he do?”

As Thomas gave her a rundown of events, Rey’s hands curled into fists. Her knuckles itched with the need to hit something.

Preferably Ben.

“I’m going to kill him,” she said, turning on her heel and marching back toward the entrance. “Don’t let anyone follow me,” she said in an undertone to Lusica, who nodded.

In the entryway, Rey asked Mr. Tippett, “Which way?”

He pointed, and Rey strode out into the night.

* * *

When Rey found Ben, he was lurking against the night-shrouded bricks of the building, his body a darker shadow against the black.

“What the fuck, Ben?” she demanded, stalking toward him, but the clouds chose that moment to shift from in front of the moon. He turned his head, and she saw his face, pale and intense, his eyes wet. She stopped, the fury draining away, leaving only alarm behind. “Ben?”

She hated how weak her voice sounded, but something about him was _off_. She moved in, careful, trying not to spook him. He took a half-step back but couldn’t go any further, just watched her with too-bright eyes as she stepped into his space.

“I think I broke my hand,” he said, though he kept his eyes on her and didn’t even glance at his hand.

That would explain the dull ache radiating up her right wrist, making her want to rub it. “Why did you do that?” she asked in a whisper. She wasn’t talking about his hand, and they both knew it.

“I shouldn’t have. It was stupid.” Still he watched her, barely blinking. She was close enough to see tear tracks shining faintly on his cheeks.

She kept her voice soft. “I know that. I asked why.”

“He held you.” _Then_ his mouth moved and his jaw shifted, all of his tells exploding into motion.

“Thomas and I are just friends.”

“I know!” If he weren’t on the verge of tears, she might have thought he was laughing. “That’s what’s so stupid. I _know_ you’re just friends. And I still lost it.” He shook his head. “I can’t even imagine how I’d act if you got a real boyfriend.”

Her heart turned over, remembering Thomas’s words. _I don’t think he’s indifferent to you._ And she remembered that she was supposed to be angry at him about Thomas, and they _would_ need to talk about that, but now, even though Ben was clearly having a meltdown, she felt like she might walk on air because he had just reopened a door she'd thought was closed forever. “Then I won’t get a real boyfriend. Or… or you could be my boyfriend. I mean, if… if you wanted.” She looked up at him, and he looked down.

“Rey,” he started.

“I love you,” she blurted.

He looked like she’d punched him in the chest, and then his lips were on hers and a fucking chorus began to play because he was perfect, everything about the way he was kissing her was perfect, a balm for her wounded heart.

She tried to follow him when he lifted his head, but he took a step away and she realized with a jolt that he was crying again.

“I can’t do this,” he said, his voice breaking.

All of Rey’s joy crashed down around her, and she felt panic squeeze her heart. “I don’t understand.” She searched his eyes in the moonlight. “Is it my age? I mean, I get I’m young, but… you’re allowed to kiss a seventeen-year-old, Ben.”

She wished he would stop looking at her like that, like a defeated man.

“It’s not about what I’m allowed,” he said hoarsely. “I have a _personal_ hard limit, Rey. No one under eighteen. Why do you think I kept you at arm’s length for so long?”

“Okay,” she said, wrapping her head around it. It was inconvenient, but it wasn’t the end of the world. “Okay, we can make that work. We can wait. I don’t mind waiting.”

Why was he still looking at her like that? It was really freaking her out.

“It won’t work.”

She frowned at him and crossed her arms. “That’s a little fatalistic, Ben.”

He stepped into her, loomed over her. “You might be able to make it work, but I can’t. I’ve tasted you.” He shook his head again as if to clear it. “Ever since your goddamn birthday, it’s all I can think about. My fucking hand is broken, and all I want to do is pin you up against a wall and taste you again.”

Rey gasped when her back hit the brick of the building, not even realizing that he’d been crowding her. His chest brushed hers, and she tingled where they touched. “Ben.”

His next words dropped the bottom out of her stomach.

“I have to leave.”

Her head was spinning, but she managed to gasp out, “What?”

“I’ve been thinking about it these past two weeks. Trying to find a way where I can stay. Telling myself I didn’t need to do anything extreme. But I’ve just been postponing the inevitable.” His good hand came up, and he rubbed his thumb against her bottom lip. Her lips parted for it without conscious direction, and he shuddered when her tongue darted out to touch it. His voice turned low and husky. “I can’t stay around you, Rey. I can’t be trusted. It was stupid to think I could just be friends with you, and now that I’ve tasted you, I can’t…” He seemed to lose track of his thoughts, chest heaving, and he found her lips with his own again, using his left hand to cup the back of her head and pull her mouth tighter against his.

Rey let him in, tangling her tongue with his on instinct, and the part of her still capable of processing what was happening yelled at her to do more: touch him, fuck him, _anything_ to keep him with her.

She trailed her hands over his chest and down, and he jerked back when she got too low. He seemed more alert, and Rey realized she shouldn’t have touched him. It had jolted him out of the kiss.

His mouth trembled as he looked at her. They were silent, just gazing at each other, equally miserable.

“I’m going to travel,” he said quietly. “I need to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I can’t stay here. Not right now.”

Rey felt something hot start in her stomach, something different from the fury she’d come out here with. Something slower. Deeper. “So you’re just running away. Like my parents.”

He flinched. “I’ll be back.”

“That’s what they said, too.” She hated that her voice broke, but she kept her chin high and her spine straight as she turned away from him, ignoring the sobbing voice inside that told her to turn back and fall on her knees and _beg_.

He caught her arm, and she yanked it away from him.

“Don’t _touch_ me.”

The venom in her voice made him recoil.

“You’re a coward, Ben Solo.” With that parting shot, she walked away.

And he didn’t follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey's persistent thoughts about Ben are modeled after all my unrequited crushes from ages 11-18. I remember thinking about my crushes obsessively, and I _hated_ it. It was so obnoxious, and I _knew_ what was going on but couldn't stop it. Also, she isn't inconsolably sad at the beginning of this chapter because she's a creature of hope mixed with dollops of denial, and also it's two weeks later so the hurt isn't as fresh. (I couldn't find a place to include it, but _she did not get to eat her cake on her birthday_ , and when she did get to eat it, it tasted like _sadness_.)
> 
> I actually wrote and then deleted a scene for this chapter where Rey confronts Ben and he apologizes, but it made them both too calm for the explosive chapter ending, and I needed this specific ending to make the next chapter work (the end scene here was written long before the rest of this chapter, and I kept frickin' writing scenes that calmed Ben down instead of working him up because apparently I'm really into fluff). So, yes, they could have made up but I wouldn't let them.
> 
> One example of a scene that got cut because I needed to raise tension and it did the opposite? Tippett doing the running man and saying "You bet your buttons!" I was sad that I had to cut it. Tippett can do an admirable running man and says things like "You bet your buttons." It is very important to me that you know that. Meaningless for the story, but personally? Very important.


	29. Time Jump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People kept asking if there would be a time jump, and I kept saying yes, but then it turned into a chapter covering that period of time, so I titled it "Time Jump" so I wouldn't be a lying liar.
> 
> **Potential abandonment issues trigger.**

The first month was the hardest. Rey skipped several days of school and cried on the shoulders of her friends and, more often, Leia. When she went back, it had already spread across the student body that Mr. Solo was gone and not coming back.

Rey got into a fight the first time someone made some stupid comment about it. She would have gotten in worse trouble if her friends hadn’t dragged her away. As it was, she got sent home for two days to cool off and “think about what she’d done.” She got the impression that the punishment could have been worse. She didn’t know if it was because the administration respected Ben or if they just felt sorry for her. She wasn’t sure which would be worse.

After that, however, Leia got her a therapist. Not Ben’s, thank God. A young woman with opal glasses and a kind expression.

“Having someone to talk to will help,” Leia had said gently as Rey'd sobbed into a throw pillow. She’d only had the energy to nod.

At school, after the fight, no one approached her about Ben anymore, though she knew her friends got plenty of questions even though they avoided bringing him up.

Lusica, of all people, turned out to be one of Rey’s staunchest supporters. She hadn’t had anything snarky to say, just led her friends to Rey’s table, sat down, and offered up a simple, “I’m sorry.”

It didn’t turn Lusica into a more thoughtful person, but it had somehow smoothed over their past and let them start fresh. And it seemed that while Lusica was an unbearable busybody when it came to setting people up, she was a bedrock of solace when it came to breakups.

She offered an especially sympathetic ear when Rey needed to vent. Rey’s anger made Rose uncomfortable because Rose couldn’t understand holding anything against Paige, and it just made Finn and Poe angrier at Ben for leaving. Jessika didn’t have a lot of dating experience, so she couldn’t empathize, and Kaydel… well. Rey had suspected that her friends were keeping something from her, but it wasn’t until she’d called Thomas to apologize for prom that she found out what they’d been hiding. He’d been completely baffled that she thought he’d be upset.

“Did no one tell you?” he’d asked.

“Tell me what?”

“Your friend, Kaydel. She checked on me after… well, you know. _After_. And… well.” He’d hesitated and then said gently, “We sparked. Rey, she’s my soulmate.”

Rey’s breath had caught, and she’d squeezed the phone tight.

“I’m not upset about that night,” he’d assured her. “I don’t hold anything against anyone.”

She’d congratulated him and been sincere, even if she wasn’t sure that she’d sounded it, and she understood then why Kaydel ducked her head and seemed embarrassed when she saw Rey. Rey made a mental note to talk to her about it, but later. She was still a mess and needed to sort her feelings out before she could approach the other girl.

* * *

Spending too much time inside Leia’s house hurt. Everywhere she turned in that house, she saw his face, softened by youth. She spent more and more time in the back yard or garage or her room, the only places she wouldn’t see him. She pummeled her training dummy as if it were Ben and asked Han to teach her how to use the punching bag.

Rey fell behind on homework. Her friends helped her as best they could, but her heart just wasn’t in it. Her finals were dismal, and that gave her one more thing to be angry at Ben about. If he’d stayed, she could have kept her GPA up. If he’d even delayed leaving until after her finals. But no.

* * *

Summer was a relief, and it brought with it a collection of firsts. Her first flying lesson with Han, her first job, and the first of several letters from Ben.

She’d taken it into the backyard to read it, settling into the hammock and glaring at the envelope postmarked from France. She stared at it a long time without opening it, at his stupid perfect cursive and the stupid Eiffel Tower stamp, and considered ripping it to shreds and throwing it in the trash.

Her fingers tucked under the flap and sliced it open.

> _Rey,_
> 
> _I’m sorry._
> 
> _I miss you._
> 
> _~Ben_

She took it into her room, balled it up, and threw it against the wall, only to fall to her knees beside it and frantically smooth it out. She tucked it into her dresser under some old sweaters and curled up on her bed to cry.

* * *

Once the fog of self-pity began to lift, Rey asked Leia why she never had Luke over. Leia was startled.

“I supposed I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”

“No one here to be uncomfortable anymore,” Rey replied a little more sullenly than she would have liked.

Leia squeezed her hand, which squeezed a few tears out of her eyes as well, and after that Luke became a regular at the Organa-Solo dinner table, taking Ben’s old seat.

Rey got to know him and decided that he wasn’t a bad guy, even though suggesting Leia invite him over had partially been a “screw you” to Ben. Luke had made a terrible mistake, but he just seemed old and tired to her. Rey asked him about what happened one weekend when he joined her in the yard where she’d moved her practice dummy. He’d wanted to see her bo staff technique (he didn’t know anything about it but admitted it looked like fun), and Rey learned that his actions had hurt him almost as much as they’d hurt Ben. His every word dripped with regret. Most importantly, he didn’t try to justify himself. If he had, Rey didn’t think she would have liked him at all.

After that conversation, they formed a tentative friendship. Nothing as strong as she had with the others in Ben’s family, but good enough for a start.

She fell into a routine that summer and started to feel more like herself. She went to work at the ice cream stand in the mornings and spent more and more time with her friends in the afternoons. Han let her drive the Falcon to work, the highest honor he could bestow anyone, and started teaching her to fly. Rey found that she _loved_ it, especially once she got the knack for sitting so the vibrations didn’t bother her, and the uncles and even Poe all joined them at the airport on more than one occasion. Luke, it seemed, was as good a pilot as Han.

When Poe got his pilot’s license, they all joined the celebration.

* * *

Still no one spoke about Ben in her presence.

* * *

His second letter arrived in July, waiting on her when she got home from work. She took it into her room and touched the edges, anxiety pressing hard against her ribcage. The postmark on this one was from Russia, and it made her think of his fluency with the language. She’d started learning it in her spare time, practicing whenever she saw Chewie.

This letter was thicker than the first one, three pages full of his beautiful handwriting. The paper trembled as she read, warping where her tears fell on it.

He wrote of his trip through France and the sights of Moscow. Mostly inane little things, pointless details meant to amuse her or soothe his guilt, she didn’t know. He wrote well, if a bit formally.

Again, he signed off with, _I miss you._ This time, Rey only crinkled the edges when the anger swelled, and again she smoothed it out and put it under her old sweaters.

Part of her wanted to throw the two letters out, but a deeper part couldn’t. It was the same piece of her soul that still waited for her parents to come back. The stupid little hopeful part of her.

The part that, despite the fury that had yet to burn out, still loved him.

* * *

There was a boy who started showing up at the ice cream stand when she was working. He flirted with her. When he asked her out, she had already decided to say yes, and Lusica dropped by to help her find something to wear because Rey didn’t think any of her other friends would understand.

He took her for pizza and a movie, some dudebro comedy Ben would have hated as much as she did, and nervously tried to kiss her goodnight. Rey had told herself she would let him, but she found that she couldn’t. She ducked the kiss and instead awkwardly told him goodbye.

He stopped coming to the ice cream stand after that.

It was another thing to be angry at Ben about.

That night, she started writing back to him. She didn’t have anywhere to send it, so she tucked the letter into her nightstand and added to it when she felt particularly upset with him.

His third letter arrived just before school started. In it, he said he’d be spending a few months in Sweden, so he’d gotten a post office box. It ended, again, with _I miss you._ Rey pulled her unfinished letter from her nightstand, read over it, and added the words _I will never forgive you_ to the end. Then she went and asked Leia for an envelope.

The night after she posted it, she barely slept for crying.

* * *

When school started, Rey threw herself into it from the jump, determined to make up for the previous year’s finals. It was then that her emancipation came through, and she had to sit down with Han and Leia and discuss whether she should stay or move out.

They assured her it was her decision but that they loved having her around. They pointed out that her grades would suffer if she had to split her focus with a job and rent. Rey saw the logic in that, so she latched onto it with an overwhelming sense of relief as her excuse to stay.

She learned how to garden and had a little section that she liked to go out and tend when she needed fresh air but didn’t want to practice with her bo staff. Her therapist had encouraged working with her hands. Leia’s landscapers knew to leave that patch alone, and Rey found that fresh air and sunshine and green growing things all did wonders when hitting something didn’t quite help.

* * *

Rey was treasurer for the robotics club again. Jessika and Poe had graduated, so Rose garnered unanimous votes for president. Dopheld returned as club secretary, and the vice presidency had gone to Lusica. Rey found that she didn’t mind any of it nearly as much as she would have the year before.

The club had a few more members, and one of the science teachers had stepped in as faculty sponsor, having seen how well the club ran itself under Ben.

Luke became the club’s biggest supporter (after Leia, of course). They had an after school timeslot this year, and Luke joined them more often than not to answer questions about their robotics projects and help them come up with ideas for the national competition.

The entire club could often be found hanging out at Rey’s house on the weekend. Rose needed her own distractions after Paige moved away for college, and Rey tried not to be frustrated when Rose complained about missing her sister even though she got to Skype with her almost every night and would see her over the holidays. Rey _also_ tried not to hold it against Rose that she monopolized Finn.

Thomas often joined them at Rey’s house after she mended things with Kaydel. Not that they needed mending, but Kaydel hadn’t been sure if Rey wanted her around, and Rey hadn’t been in a place where she could focus on anyone else’s feelings.

Rey spent more time with Lusica than she would ever have thought possible.

* * *

Han and Leia continued to treat her like their own, and Chewie and Lando came by more often than they had when Ben had been around. Chewie would play checkers with her while she practiced her Russian, and Lando would tell her more wild stories from his youth. Luke was almost always at the house, talking to Han in the garage or laughing with Leia in the kitchen or helping Rey in the yard. The distractions were good, but the loneliness returned at night, worse because she’d been avoiding it all day.

She didn’t show Ben’s letters to anyone and didn’t bring them up except to her therapist, who had been surprisingly reassuring when Rey told her about the angry response she’d sent.

She wrote to Ben when Plutt got out on probation. She stuffed it in her nightstand and decided not to send it. She wrote other letters she didn’t intend to send, about her little garden plot and her flying lessons and her friends and Lusica not being a nosy bitch anymore.

She wrote pages where she yelled at him, and she stuffed those in the nightstand, too.

Pressure at school began to mount as midterms approached, and Rey made a quiet purchase online to help relieve the tension. She intercepted the box before Han or Leia could see it and tucked the item into the back of her nightstand drawer, behind all her unsent letters. She pulled it out at night and tamped down her shame as her mind wandered decidedly in the direction of Sweden.

It helped distract her from her loneliness and, like the loneliness itself, was something she did _not_ put in a letter to Ben, even the unsent ones.

After midterms, she pulled out her unsent letters and read over them. In some sort of fit, because that was the only explanation, she stuffed them all into a large envelope and posted it.

The response came two weeks later. It was thicker than his previous letters, the contents more personal, and contained a small pressed flower. This time, the words _I miss you_ appeared in more than one place.

Rey sobbed and hated him and hated herself for missing him back.

* * *

During Thanksgiving break, when Rose was busy catching up with Paige, Finn came over and they took a walk, just the two of them.

“I know I haven’t been around,” he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“It’s okay,” Rey replied. “You’ve been busy with Rose.”

He shrugged and kicked a rock. He knew about Rose and Paige’s bond, and he’d been helping Rose deal with the separation. “It’s not just that. I… I don’t know what to say to you anymore. And you don’t talk about… you know. Him. But you’re sad, and I can tell you’re sad, and I don’t know how to make it better, so… I’ve just stayed away.”

Rey stared at her feet. It wasn’t like she’d asked him to come around more. But it was something she’d noticed and it had stung that he’d chosen his girlfriend over his best friend, especially when Rey’s situation was so much worse.

“He sent me letters,” she admitted.

Finn stopped walking and gaped at her. “What?”

“He’s sent me letters. And I… sent a few back.” She smiled humorlessly at his stunned expression. “They mostly detailed all the reasons I hate him.”

He nodded, expression easing into something more thoughtful. “Okay.”

She looked away. “I miss him. I wish he was here, but he’s _not_ , and every time I remember that he _chose_ not to be, I hate him just a little bit more.”

“You don’t hate him, though, do you.” It wasn’t a question. Finn knew too much about the bond from Rose and Kaydel and Thomas. And he knew Rey. He knew how long she’d waited for her parents, how she’d never been able to hate them.

Rey’s eyes watered. “Sometimes I think if he shows his face, I’ll kill him. Other times… I don’t even care what he’s put me through, I just want him back.” She started walking again, swiping impatiently at the tears on her face. “And it’s just so anti-feminist, you know? I _should_ be angry. I should be _done_ with him.”

Finn laughed at that, and Rey chuckled in response, even though she didn’t much feel like laughing.

A block of companionable silence later, Finn asked, “Do you know when he’s coming home?”

Rey shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself. “Not before my birthday.” Then, with a side glance at her friend, she said, “I’m sorry, by the way. All your spare time is taken up with girls crying on you lately.”

“Well, who can blame you guys for wanting to cry on these shoulders.” He gestured to himself and smirked, dusting one shoulder off and then the other.

Rey laughed, and he grinned his easy grin.

“I’ll make more time for you, okay?” he said. “We can have a best friends night. No one else allowed. Deal?”

Rey accepted the hand he held out and shook it. “Deal.”

That night, she wrote a short letter and prepared it to go out before she could think too hard about it. It was one line without greeting or signature.

> _When are you coming home?_

* * *

Finn stayed true to his word and joined Rey once a week for a movie night with popcorn and soda. They preferred bad movies so they could make fun of them, and Rey slowly stopped wondering what Ben would think about every scene.

Two weeks after her last letter, she got a note in reply.

> _Rey,_
> 
> _I plan to return after you graduate._
> 
> _I don’t have enough willpower to stay away longer._
> 
> _I miss you. More than anything._
> 
> _~Ben_

* * *

Leia dropped the bomb on her just before Christmas break that she wouldn’t be in town for the holiday. When Rey asked her why, Leia sighed and confessed, “I’m worried about Ben. I want to check up on him.”

Sharp panic made it hard to breathe. “Worried how?”

Leia blinked, then softened and leaned in to wrap Rey in her arms. “I want to make sure he’s taking care of himself.” Rey suspected that there was more to it, suspected that Leia talked to him regularly, that they maybe even Skyped.

He’d never given Rey his number, and she had too much pride to ask for it now.

“If there’s anything you want to send,” Leia said lightly, “I can take it with me.”

Rey went to her garden and pulled a few weeds to help herself think. Then she went to her room and got out a notebook and pen.

> ~~_Come home._ ~~

She tore that page out, wadded it up, and threw it in the trash. She was _not_ going to pine after him. And even if she kind of _did_ pine after him, there was no way in hell she was going to admit it.

She tapped her pen on her notebook and bit her lip. What did she want to say that she hadn’t already?

Rey took a deep breath and put pen to paper.

> _You owe me explanations._

Better.

> _A lot of them. You did some really shitty things and made me feel like shit, and I didn’t deserve any of it. I still feel like shit, but at least now I know it’s your fault and not mine._
> 
> _Do you even care how badly you’ve treated me? Or do you think it was justified?_
> 
> _Did you think of my feelings at all?_
> 
> _Ever?_

Her hand was shaking by the time she finished, and she couldn’t tell if it was from crying or anger. Probably both, since that was all she seemed to be able to do when she thought about him. Cry and get mad. She was so sick of it, the maelstrom of emotions he evoked.

She considered adding something about how much she hated him just to relieve the frustration blooming in her chest, but it seemed wrong to have Leia hand-deliver hate mail to her own son. At Christmas.

And anyway, she didn’t hate him.

She just wanted to.

She hesitated before tearing the page out and setting it on her nightstand. She was done with the letter, but she wasn’t done pouring her emotions out onto paper. She could throw this next page away when she finished, so she wrote and wrote and wrote. All her longing and desire, the way she thought about him at night, how sometimes she slipped into a daydream about the way he’d kissed her. How badly she needed him.

All of her needy, traitorous, dependent thoughts went on that page, and then she poured out more, how betrayed she felt that he hadn’t trusted her to know the truth, how dark everything had been for her after he’d broken her heart, how he’d ruined both her birthday _and_ her prom and now was ruining Christmas by staying away and taking Leia as well.

 _He ruins everything,_ she let herself think before dismissing the thought as petty and overdramatic. Honestly, he'd only ruined a handful of important events. Birthday, prom, finals, first date, Christmas… More than enough to hold against him forever, but certainly not _everything_.

She snorted at that thought and flipped her notebook to a fresh page. She’d spent her anger and yearning and was left with blank paper, a pen, and a strong urge to tell the truth.

So Rey bit her lip and began to write.

> _Dear Leia…_

* * *

Rey stayed busy over Christmas break. She had a book report to do for English, and she spent lots of time with Finn. She saw Poe and set up a time to hit the airport together, and the club met up at Rey’s house to see him and Jessika while they were home from college. The uncles dropped by even more frequently, as if they knew it would be hard on Rey to have Leia gone, and they and Han deferred to her on food. Some nights she let them pick, others she cooked.

She talked to Han about what he wanted for Christmas dinner, and he asked if she could make pancakes.

“Breakfast for dinner it is,” she said. “The uncles coming?”

Han laughed. “Do you really see them going anywhere else?”

So on Christmas morning, Rey cooked pancakes and bacon and eggs while Han, Luke, Chewie, and Lando filled the house with laughter and conversation. She set out fresh fruit and whipped cream and maple syrup, and the men — her _family_ ; she let herself think of them that way because it was Christmas and on Christmas she got to believe impossible things — kept her from being too lonely.

Leia sent them a Christmas selfie in front of a giant tree with beautiful glowing orbs all over it, and… Rey’s heart skipped a beat when she saw the next photo, and she had to retreat to her room for a few minutes to get hold of herself. She hadn’t seen him in such a long time that even a photo he clearly hadn’t posed for — he was making that face he made when someone was being annoying, his mouth pressed thin and eyes stormy — with his neck half-hidden by the collar of a black winter jacket… it made her heart do strange things in her chest.

His hair was tousled by the wind, and his face looked thinner. She wondered if that was one of the reasons Leia was worried about him, and Rey was suddenly very glad that Leia was in Sweden with him instead of at home. Ben’s mother wasn’t a woman to be gainsaid. She’d sort him out.

Rey sat on the edge of her bed and drank him in for longer than she'd intended to, even such a small piece of him easing some of the tension she’d felt since he’d gone. She realized with a wince that she’d been worried about him.

It was something she ought to be angry about, to stack onto her list of grievances, but for some reason she wasn’t. Not with his photo right there in her hand.

Tomorrow, she decided. She’d be angry tomorrow.

* * *

When Leia got back, Rey couldn’t help herself. As soon as Leia handed Han her bags to put into their bedroom and slumped onto the sofa to remove her shoes and rub her travel-weary feet, Rey sat anxiously on the cushion beside her. “How… how is he?”

Leia gave her a knowing look. “A mess. But otherwise fine. I think getting out of that job helped quite a bit.”

Rey swallowed and nodded. She felt Leia’s eyes on her but fought the follow-up question for so long that Leia had pity on her and answered it without her having to ask.

“We talked about you. Most of the time, actually. I had to force him to talk about himself.” She set her feet down and stroked a hand over Rey’s hair. “He misses you, sweetheart.” Rey scooted into Leia’s soft warmth, and Leia continued to pet her hair. “He could stand to eat more. And get a haircut.”

Rey began to laugh. It was such a _Leia_ thing to say.

Leia chuckled along with her until they were calm and cuddled together on the couch. “I missed you, sweetheart,” she said softly.

No one mentioned the fact that Leia’s shoulder was wet when Han came back down.

* * *

They traded gifts after Leia got back, and Rey wore her new sweater out to dinner. It was the softest thing she’d ever touched, a pretty sea green, and she was very careful not to get anything on it.

She gave Han and Leia the letter she wrote them, insisting they not read it in front of her, and later that evening Leia found her and gave her a hug with wet eyes.

“We love you, too. Not even because of Ben, because of you. You are _so_ very special, Rey, and we are _so_ lucky to have you in our lives. No matter what happens between you two, you are part of this family.”

Han’s reaction was to pat her shoulder the next time he saw her and give a nod that looked a little softer than his usual nods. “We _are_ pretty great to be around.”

Rey laughed and forced him into a hug.

He squeezed her back and grudgingly added, “And it might be kinda nice to have you around, too.”

“You want to hear what he said when I told him I loved him?” Leia said later when Rey described the interaction.

When Leia told her, Rey laughed and laughed and laughed.

That was a good day.

* * *

Rey waited to read Ben’s reply, which Leia had brought back in her luggage. She was afraid to see what it said, afraid that his reasons wouldn’t be good enough, but finally she took it into the yard and settled into the hammock to open it.

> _Rey,_
> 
> _Though your words pained me, you are correct. I owe you an explanation for my actions. I had thought it best to wait until I could explain in person, as you deserve a face-to-face accounting, but I see now it is unfair of me to make you wait._
> 
> _I have considered how best to explain myself ever since that night. I have spoken with my mother and Dr. Statura and have made a list of my reasons in an attempt to organize them. I confess that working out the morass of my psyche has not been a simple task, and I beg you to be patient with me. Perhaps I have no right to ask you for patience, but I suppose I am selfish because I shall ask anyway._
> 
> _From the beginning, I was afraid of you. You were a student and much too young for me to pursue, yet you grew on me despite my every attempt to ignore you. I tried not to like you, but you thwarted me. You were brave and kind and somehow you did not hate me. I still do not comprehend why._
> 
> _I suppose my reasons began with Snoke. I know what it is to be groomed by someone older, someone with intentions. I had more sway over you than Snoke had over me, as both your former teacher and your soulmate, and I dreaded and still dread the thought of using that sway to take your choice away._
> 
> _Friendship was the way Snoke made me trust him. My friendship with you was meant to be purer than his, with no conditions, but it was hubris to think that I could be near you and not want to deepen things between us. That is my failure, not yours._
> 
> _I have never thought it acceptable for grown men to lust after young girls. The strength of my hatred for such men is likely informed and enhanced by my own trauma, a realization I have made during my phone sessions with Dr. Statura over the last few months. I hated myself when the way I looked at you began to change. I hid it from you because I was afraid but also because I was ashamed._
> 
> _You did not know of my struggles because I did not want you to know. I thought, and still think, that your knowing would have made things worse. Either influenced you to make a choice you were too young to make, or made it harder for me to police my thoughts._
> 
> _A selfish decision, perhaps, but I still feel it was the correct one._
> 
> _As was leaving._
> 
> _My father suggested that I could remain for the year it took for you to turn eighteen, that I only required willpower. He was wrong. I know my limits, and you have tested all of them in only a few months. I would not be able to stay my hand for a full year unless you stayed it for me, and, unless I read things incorrectly, you did not seem inclined to resist my advances. And I would have advanced._
> 
> _I want you._
> 
> _Still._
> 
> _Always._
> 
> _My only regret is my reaction to you at the airport. With the advantage of hindsight, I understand now that the violence of my reaction, something I could not entirely control but should have anyway, hurt you deeply. I apologize for that, an apology that I know has been much too long in coming. I profoundly regret hurting you in that way._
> 
> _The fear from that incident did not resolve itself immediately afterward. I cannot regret asking for space. I needed it. I thank you for giving it to me. I know it could not have been easy for you._
> 
> _(One other person deserves my apology. Your friend, Thomas. I would like to apologize to him in person when I return, if he is willing.)_
> 
> _I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I hate that it is necessary I stay away from you. But it is the only way I can be sure I won’t betray what little honor I possess._
> 
> _I miss you._
> 
> _~Ben_

* * *

Rey took the letter to her therapist, but she didn’t write a reply. The next letter she wrote to him was a month later and didn’t mention his at all, only the robotics competition she attended with her club. They didn’t place, but it had been exhilarating to be there among other science and robotics enthusiasts.

If she was a little more open and put a little more detail into her letter than she’d put in the last few, then she chose not to look too closely at why.

Sometimes she read over his letter and thought she understood why he had to leave, but most times she didn’t understand at all. Those times, she agreed with Han and her own earliest assessment of his choice.

He was a coward.

He could have stayed. He could have controlled himself. He could have done _anything_ other than run to another continent to get away from her. At those times, the anger burned as hot as ever. Hotter, even.

He'd left her in pain and had the _gall_ to call it the right choice.

Why the fuck couldn’t they be together? Why couldn’t she have him _there_ with her? Because of some antiquated notion that girls under eighteen were off limits? Because a dead old man had betrayed Ben’s trust, so he couldn’t fucking trust _her_?

He'd written about not wanting to take her choice from her, but he'd taken not only her choice but her _voice_ by hiding things from her. She should have had the chance to respond to his concerns, no matter how he felt about it. But instead he'd ignored her, sidelined her, and made all of the decisions unilaterally without consulting her. Even when she understood his motives, she didn't understand _why_.

Some of the lines softened her, however. Words like _want_ and _lust_ and _always_. _I would have advanced_ , he'd said. It gave her chills.

But he never said he loved her, and she never failed to notice that, no matter how many times she read it.

That usually fed into the worst times, when she felt all the pain and anger and want and hope blurring together like a scream, when she both blamed him and didn’t blame him, and it was too much, far far too much.

Her therapist called it anxiety and advised Rey to handle it much like she handled her anger. Deep breaths, then work the excess out with her staff or the punching bag or even a brisk walk around the neighborhood.

So she was in a reasonably good place during the second half of her school year. Leia helped her prep college applications, and Rey doubled down on her classes and worked so hard that she almost missed her birthday. Han and Leia took her out for it, and her friends joined them at home for cake and ice cream. Rey did her best not to think about the previous year when they'd had to cancel because she'd been too busy sobbing, or how her cake, when she'd calmed down enough to try it, had tasted like ash in her mouth.

She went to her senior prom with a group of friends, and then finals were upon them, and they worriedly gathered for study groups. The end of high school was so close they could taste it, graduation within sight, and everyone's spirits soared.

Even Rey's. Even with the nerve-wracking wait for MIT's reply… and the looming prospect of Ben's return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had most of this written already, and the last bits came together a lot faster than I expected, so... yay.


	30. Graduation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[[Clean Version](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/177314570800/clean-version-soul-searching-ch30)]**

The day of Rey’s graduation dawned bright and sunny without a single cloud in the sky.

“Do you think Luke will make it?” Rey asked anxiously as Leia helped her with her earrings — they’d gotten her ears pierced as part of her eighteenth birthday, but Rey still tended to fumble the tiny backs.

“I just checked his flight, and it’s still on time. He’ll be here.”

“Okay.”

“You just concentrate on not tripping.”

Rey made a face, and Leia laughed and hugged her.

“You’ll be _fine_. Now go on, you don’t want to be late.”

Rey was meeting her friends for a pre-graduation breakfast. They’d been planning it for weeks, since they all had family in town and would be too busy to get together after the ceremony.

Never mind that they had all summer to hang out. This morning was special.

Leia followed her into the living room. “You have your cap and gown? Purse? Keys?”

Rey nodded and grabbed her purse and keys from the table by the door. “Cap and gown are already in the car.”

Han poked his head out of the kitchen. “Don’t trip!”

Rey grinned at him. “Leia already beat you to that one.”

Han glowered and grumbled.

Leia kissed just beside Rey’s cheek, a courtesy Rey noticed whenever Leia wore lipstick. “We’ll see you after the ceremony.”

Rey nodded, butterflies in her stomach. “Okay. See you there.”

* * *

“I love your dress,” Lusica said as soon as Rey dropped into the booth beside her.

Rey grinned and adjusted the handkerchief hem of her skirt so it wasn’t bunched beneath her. It was navy blue and had an unobtrusive floral motif. “Thank you. I love yours, too.” Where Rey’s dress was light and summery, Lusica’s black party dress showed off cleavage that was definitely the work of a push-up bra. Rey hadn’t bothered with a bra, since she had almost nothing to push up. Even with the low V of her neckline, nothing showed so long as she didn’t bend over in front of anyone.

Rose arrived in a cream blouse and khaki pencil skirt, looking far more polished than Rey was used to seeing her. She had a very defined waist, and she and Rey had worked together to try and figure out enough about fashion not to embarrass themselves in college. Lusica and Kaydel had helped, and Leia had assisted with more than one disastrous attempt. This outfit was very clearly Paige's influence, just as Finn's was something his mom had picked out -- he tagged along behind Rose in a white button-down, tie, and dark pants.

Kaydel and Thomas arrived hand-in-hand, heads bent close. Thomas' graduation had been two days prior, and Rey had accompanied Kaydel and some of their other friends to sit with his dad and little sister and cheer when Thomas walked across the stage. Today, he would be sitting with Kaydel’s family.

The two of them were practically engaged. Rey didn’t know what their plans were — they’d applied to the same colleges and settled on one over the others because Kaydel had gotten an amazing scholarship, but they hadn’t talked to anyone about their plans beyond that. Rey didn’t know if they planned to get married or live together or wait for any of that or what.

And, well, it was their business and not her place to pry. She’d hated it when people had pried about her and… and Ben.

She blinked away a bit of sudden mistiness and grabbed a menu for something else to focus on, taking a deep breath and letting it slowly out.

Best that she not think about _him_ , even though she felt his inevitable return in the air like an approaching storm. Would it be days? Weeks? A month? He hadn’t been specific, and that frustrated her. She needed an exact time, needed to know when the suspense would end.

Kaydel and Thomas slid into the booth, their hands separating as Kaydel slid in beside Rey and Thomas slid in beside Finn. If Rey had thought, she would have sat across from Lusica so the couple could sit together, but it was too late now, and they didn’t seem to mind. They were still connected, even if their hands weren’t.

It had been a while since Rey had felt jealous of the two of them, and seeing them now, the way they looked at each other, she ducked her eyes back to her menu to avoid intruding on something that felt private.

They had a sweet kind of wholesomeness around them that made Rey’s heart hurt, but it wasn’t because she begrudged them their happiness. She’d just never had that with Ben. Her relationship with him had always been fraught with secrets and lies and hidden longing. Nothing like the open adoration between her two friends.

They were practically the poster couple for soulmates.

And she and Ben were… the dark underbelly, maybe?

Finn kicked her lightly under the table, and Rey snapped her gaze up to his. He raised a brow, which meant he knew exactly what she’d been dwelling on. He'd told her once that she had a _look_ she got when she was brooding about Ben, a look she never got about anything else.

“How’s the MIT wooing going?” he asked, one of his arms slung casually around Rose.

Rey sighed and rested her chin on the edge of her menu. “Still waitlisted. I’m starting to worry I’ll have to make good on that Caltech offer I accepted. We sent my final grades to MIT yesterday, and we have a phone interview scheduled, but I think that was more because of Leia than me. She’s really good at convincing people to do things.”

“Caltech is really good, though,” said Rose enthusiastically. “You could do a _lot_ worse.”

Rey nodded. “It wouldn’t be the end of the world.”

“You’ll get an amazing tan,” Lusica said, nudging Rey with her elbow. She was going to the same state school as Poe. Her grades weren’t good enough for Ivy League, but state had a decent MBA program, and Leia had, after seeing Lusica’s fundraising skills for herself this past year, pulled her aside to talk about pursuing a business degree in marketing and administration. It had apparently made an impression.

Rey smiled. “The weather in California _is_ supposed to be gorgeous.”

“There you go,” said Finn. “You hate snow.” He was going to state, too. He’d gotten an excellent scholarship, almost a full ride, and his mom had been so proud, she'd cried.

Rose, on the other hand, was headed to Paige’s university. Rey didn’t know if she and Finn had talked yet about what that meant for them. They had the whole summer together, so she supposed they could be putting it off until their time ran out.

“Okay,” Rey said, opening her menu. “I need enough whipped cream and waffles to put me in a coma.”

The volume at the table rose as everyone talked over each other, trying to decide what to order, and Rey let herself be swept away by collective the excitement.

They were about to _graduate_.

* * *

Ben dropped his bag and slumped into his mother’s embrace when he arrived, weary in more than just body. “How is she?” he asked.

She held him tighter. “You have some work to do.”

He let out a breath and pulled away. “I’m not afraid of work.”

“Hard work,” she clarified.

That tugged a slight smile out of him. After receiving Rey’s _multiple_ angry letters, he knew exactly how much of an uphill battle it would be. “Nothing worth having is easy.”

His mother reached up and cupped his cheek, her brown eyes tender. “Just don’t blow her off again. Women hate that.”

Ben nodded, too tired to make a verbal response. He’d talked about that already, in detail, with his uncle.

Luke came up from behind and made to clap Ben on the shoulder before aborting the motion and adjusting his bag instead. They'd returned on the same flight, side-by-side, on purpose.

Luke had sent Ben a few written overtures of reconciliation, and Ben had had the space and time to consider his reply. Eventually, in one of his lowest and loneliest moments, he did reply. They’d corresponded until Luke had asked if he could see Ben on his annual trip to Europe, and Ben had cautiously agreed.

The visit had been intensely awkward, but they’d talked, and Ben had found himself using the skills he’d been discussing during his phone sessions with Dr. Statura. Active listening, “I feel” statements instead of accusations, all that conflict-management shit.

It hadn’t fixed everything, and he and Luke were not in a _good_ place, but they were talking and that was better than they’d been in over a decade. They’d even gone to see Ben’s grandfather together, and he’d met the infamous Anakin Skywalker.

Ben hadn’t known what to expect from a war criminal who’d loved his soulmate so much he’d lost his mind at her death, but the reality was an old man with hard eyes and an eerily mechanical voice from one of those little devices that helped long-time smokers talk.

Anakin had greeted Luke and examined Ben with strange intensity as Luke introduced him. After a moment of silence, he’d said, “He looks like my mother.”

It had been the only comment Anakin had made to or about Ben for the entire the visit, despite Luke’s attempts to include him in the conversation. Ben had sat and listened to the father and son catch up, and he’d wondered if this was what he might become if he ever lost Rey.

A broken, bitter old monster.

When they’d left, Ben had asked Luke why he hadn’t mentioned Ben’s soulmate.

Luke had considered the question carefully as they’d walked from the holding facility in South Holland. “It didn’t seem like my place,” he’d finally replied.

Things between them had eased further after that, so that when Luke suggested they fly back home together, Ben packed his things and switched his ticket for a few days earlier than planned. Luke needed to get home on time for Rey’s graduation ceremony, which was how Ben found himself in the back seat of his mother’s car smelling like airplane and worrying about the wrinkles in his suit so that he wouldn’t worry about the much more daunting prospect of watching Rey walk with a bunch of kids Ben could have gladly never seen again in a room full of his old colleagues.

And it wasn’t like he could disappear into the crowd, being half a foot taller than almost everyone in town.

Maybe he could hide behind Chewie.

Luke looked back at him and gave him a sympathetic smile. “Hey. Just remember what we talked about on the plane. It could be worse.”

Ben snorted, and Luke’s eyes danced.

Ben had been increasingly nervous in Amsterdam, jiggling his leg as they’d waited for takeoff. In a moment of self-doubt, he’d reached out to his uncle for reassurance. “Do you think she’ll forgive me?”

Luke had considered the question gravely. “I think she will. I wouldn’t be sure if you weren’t soulmates, but that’s what makes soulmates special. They stand by each other through thick and thin.”

Ben had grimaced. “Except when they leave the country, I suppose.”

Luke had waved him off. “You leaving the country was… _unorthodox_. But it was still you trying to do what’s best for her. The instinct is there, kid.” Luke had nudged him with his elbow. “That instinct is going to motivate you to try and fix the things you _did_ botch. And I guarantee you she has the same instincts. She wants you to make things right just as much as you want to make them right.”

Ben had tried not to let that go too much to his head, but the crumb of hope had his expectations mushrooming out of control. “How do I do that? How do I fix… _anything_?”

Luke had shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not a crystal ball or an advice column. I’m not going to give you a list of steps. Just be ready to put the work in. Listen to her, and pay attention. Let her yell at you. And for God’s sake,” Luke had added, leaning in and lowering his voice, “ _don’t_ interrupt. Women hate that.”

“Says the lifelong bachelor,” Ben had replied with an eyeroll.

Luke had given him a _look_. “Says the guy who fucked up with his soulmate even worse than you have. I didn’t just fail her, I failed her _son_. And I swear to you, Ben, Leia loves you more than Han and me put together. She’d do anything for you. And she _still_ eventually forgave me.” Luke had spread his hands, and Ben had looked away to hide his expression. He hadn't realized just how much he’d needed to hear that his mother loved him. “The soulmate bond won’t let you hate each other. Not forever.” Then Luke had tugged at his lap belt to make sure he was buckled in tight enough, an indication of the same kind of anxiety Han showed whenever he had to board a plane someone else was flying. “But that doesn’t mean you can sit on your laurels. You have to do your own heavy lifting. But you’re up for it. I can tell.”

Ben had considered for a long while, looking out his window at the baggage crew finishing up their task. “Are other soulmates as fucked up as the ones in our family?”

Luke had sighed and shrugged. “Who’s to say? People hide a lot of their drama from the outside world. But I do think our family has more than its share.”

It seemed unfair, and his voice had come out too sulky for even his taste. “ _Why?_ ”

Luke had laughed. “Well. We don’t really make _small_ mistakes in this family. We swing for the fences, and it doesn’t always turn out well. As for why we do that…” Luke had scratched his beard. “Both the Skywalkers and the Solos are proud and stubborn. We don’t like to lose, but we’re always taking risks. Your dad’s businesses, your mom’s work in the Senate, my camp. Go big or go home. That should be the family motto.” He’d shrugged. “You come by it honestly, Ben. You might have, ah, ‘fucked up,' but you’re not the first in this family to do so and you won’t be the last.” Luke had given him a self-deprecating smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You’re not even the worst.”

“You’re right,” Ben had said and had seen a flash of pain cross his uncle’s face. “That medal goes to Grandpa.”

Luke had burst out laughing, hearty guffaws that drew stares. “Hoo!” he’d said when the laughter subsided, rubbing tears away with his non-robotic hand. “That is true. Neither of us has committed genocide.”

“Something to be proud of,” Ben had agreed, straight-faced.

Luke had chuckled some more. “Yes indeed.” A few more chuckles. “Goodness, the bar in this family is low.”

“Mm. Makes it easier for the rest of us to hurdle it.”

Ben’s mother met his eye in the rearview mirror and cocked a bemused eyebrow. “I’m glad to see you two getting along.”

He shrugged. “Better than we were,” he assured her.

* * *

Ben had not looked forward to seeing his dad again. He’d realized, during his self-imposed exile, how good it felt not to be constantly irritated by Han, and the prospect of returning to that dynamic made his stomach twist into knots.

“Boundaries,” Dr. Statura had said. “And open communication.”

Which had sounded a lot easier when his dad was an ocean away.

Ben let Han grab him in a hug and slap his back, and only sighed in annoyance when he said, “Done traipsing around Europe?”

Ben had to bite back a retort about how there had been no “traipsing.” A parking lot was not the place for <i>that</i> discussion.

Lando smoothly offered Ben his hand, and Ben took it and nodded politely before being lifted off his feet by a bear hug from behind.

Ben grunted, and Chewie said, “ _Dobro pozhalovat' domoy._ ”

“ _Rad tebya videt'_ ,” Ben replied as his uncle set him back on his feet.

Chewie beamed down at him. “ _Tvoy aktsent uluchshilsya!_ ”

His accent _had_ gotten a little better, it was true. “I went through Moscow,” Ben demurred. “Gave me a chance to practice.”

Chewie spread his arms and mock-furrowed his brow, gesturing at himself. “ _A ty ne mozhesh' delat' eto zdes'?_ ”

Ben tilted his head, pretending to consider as he fought to keep his lips from twitching. “With _real_ Russians.”

Chewie’s dramatic gasp was everything Ben could have wished, as was the way his uncle clutched at his chest and looked around at the others as if to make sure they’d all witnessed Ben’s flagrant impertinence.

Luke covered his mouth but his shoulders shook with suppressed laughter, and Lando smirked, ever urbane.

Han clapped his best friend on the back. “Kid got you, Chewie.”

Chewie muttered and lifted a fist with his thumb between his middle and index fingers. Ben snorted at the rude gesture.

It was nice to be home.

* * *

“Is it straight?” Rey asked Finn before he headed to his spot in line.

He nudged her cap a little to the left. “Now it is. Mine?”

Rey beamed up at him. “Yours is perfect.”

He began to back up. “I will see you after, yeah?”

“Definitely.”

“Don’t trip!”

Rey rolled her eyes and called, “Why does everyone keep _saying_ that?!”

He grinned and shrugged, and then they were too far apart to say anything more.

* * *

Ben’s heart tried to thump its way out of his chest when his mother nudged him and pointed Rey out. From this distance, she was just the second face among the sea of teenagers entering to “Pomp and Circumstance,” but he was about ready to jump out of his skin. It was like his whole body was vibrating with the need to go over there and touch her and make sure she was real.

He gripped the edge of the bleacher to hold himself still, and his mother took his arm as if she knew.

He tried not to let any of it show. He’d seen at least one face in the crowd turn his way with a frown before the ceremony started, and he didn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of watching him come apart at the seams.

But he couldn’t help staring. She and the person in front of her climbed the stage and sat by the principal and vice principal, so at least Ben was staring in the same direction as everyone else. He felt as if his whole soul was trying to crawl out through his eyes and slink across the floor to her.

And then the music faded.

And she stood up.

And approached the podium.

And spoke.

Ben gripped the bleacher so hard it creaked, and his mother dug her fingers painfully into his arm, bringing him back to himself.

He’d forgotten her voice.

It was… indescribable.

The things it did, the things it made him want. Only his mother’s presence at his side kept him from losing himself completely to that voice.

He shouldn’t have come here. These fuckers were going to dangle Rey in front of him and then make him sit through an _entire fucking graduation ceremony_.

He was in hell.

And then he focused on her words, and his heart clenched. He sat forward, leaning his elbows on his knees, and covered his mouth with his hands.

She was thanking people. Her friends, of course, but also his parents — for taking her in, for being there, for caring about her. Her voice wavered with emotion, and she was looking at her notes. She hadn’t looked their way once, clearly didn’t know where they were sitting, and he hoped she didn’t take the time to search them out. Instinctively, he knew it would fluster her to see him, and he didn’t want to spoil her speech.

She only spoke for maybe three minutes, made a joke that got a smattering of friendly laughter, then wrapped it up and wished everyone well.

When she finished and sat down and the principal stood to give _his_ speech, Ben wanted to leave the room. The problem was that she would see him if he stood up. So he remained where he was and stared at her, his mother warm and steady at his side. He wasn’t a flight risk anymore, even on the end of the row as he was, but he knew she would grab him if he started to do anything stupid.

* * *

When the exuberant hats flew and Rey was released from her duties on stage, she shook hands cheerfully with the class valedictorian (he’d earned it, no matter how her junior year had ended) and then the vice principal and principal because they were there and it seemed rude not to, and finally hurried giddily down the stairs with her diploma case clutched firmly in her hands.

The case itself was a flat padded folder-like thing with the school’s name embossed on the front. It was stiff inside and kept her diploma straight and neat. She probably wouldn't keep it, wanted to hang her diploma on her bedroom wall, but it was nice enough to get it home in.

Rey's feet touched the floor, but she was flying inside, buoyed by the mood of the room but also her own personal sense of accomplishment.

She’d done it.

She’d graduated.

People greeted her as she moved through the crowd, and some hugged her. She allowed it, even from kids she didn’t know that well. She’d been well known after the soulmate thing, and even more well known after Ben had disappeared in a cloud of rumor and scandal. She was too happy to find it in herself to care that she didn’t know the names of half of the people who approached her.

She saw Lusica, who grabbed her hands urgently and said, “Did you see?”

When Rey only frowned, Lusica turned and pointed.

Rey looked at the bleachers and found her people almost instantly, what with Chewie planted like a tree among them. Within the next blink, her gaze was drawn to a pair of piercing brown eyes fixed unwaveringly on her.

She could tell even at a distance that he wasn’t smiling. She saw him rub his palms against his knees. Drying them?

Rey’s feet took her away from Lusica and away from Finn, who’d just found them in the crowd, and she pushed and jostled her way to the bleachers, uncaring who she trampled. The world had narrowed to that pair of eyes, and she almost _felt_ his breath catch as he watched her make her way over.

She didn’t slow down, actually picked up her pace the closer she got until she was almost _running_ up the steps to his seat. He stood to meet her, and there were too many emotions swirling in his eyes; she let her momentum carry her up, up until he was there in front of her, and then she reached back and swung, decking him in the jaw.

His head snapped to the side, and Rey heard a shocked murmur run through the crowd around them. A woman said, “Oh my God,” but Rey ignored her, switched her diploma from one hand to the other, and followed her right hook with a vicious left, catching him full in the mouth because he’d bent to test his jaw.

Her hands ached in a way she knew she’d feel later, after the adrenaline faded, so instead of punching him again she took her diploma case and began whacking him with it everywhere she could reach. He lifted an arm to shield himself, and more people were staring, but Rey didn’t care. She was so. Fucking. _Angry._

She hit his arms, his shoulders, his back. She caught the side of his head, and that was when he snapped. He grabbed her by the wrists, easily holding her, and glared down into her face. “That’s _enough_ ,” he growled, and it had been too long since she’d heard his voice. She’d forgotten it, forgotten its depth and power, and she felt the fight drain out of her and her eyes go wide and her breathing settle into something akin to a pant.

That voice reverberated in her bones. It settled into her heart and her head and her sex, and tears prickled in her eyes.

Rey ripped her wrists from his grasp but didn’t try to hit him again. The tears fell when she blinked, and she scowled through them, furious at herself now as well as him. She wanted him to fall into a volcano, and she poured every inch of that loathing into her glare.

Then she turned to Leia, lifted her chin, and said, “I’m heading home.”

Leia nodded, remaining composed even as the rest of the family stared and the surrounding crowd kept back as if Rey might turn on them next.

Rey heard Han say, “Told you she was pissed,” but she ignored it.

She started down the steps, and suddenly people on the ground below were applauding. Someone whistled, and it took Rey a moment to realize they were clapping for _her_.

Her entire graduating class had just watched her beat the shit out of her soulmate, and they were _clapping_.

Most of them had been at the junior prom where Ben went apeshit on her date and disappeared right after. She’d been the subject of gossip for the rest of that year and the target of pity for the next.

It was the pity that had gotten to her, the conciliatory kindness which settled like stinging barbs under her skin because they wouldn’t allow her to forget what had happened. That he’d left her. That she was alone.

Every bit of gentleness, every sympathetic look, had made her feel more and more like she was supposed to be decimated by his leaving. It rankled even more because part of her _was_ decimated, and it made her want to punch something. But she hadn’t, not since that incident right after he left. Since then, she’d kept that violence contained to her exercise equipment at home.

Until she saw him.

And then all of that pent-up rage had come flowing back, stronger and more concentrated after its long incubation.

People tried to congratulate her as she passed; some even tried to pat her on the back, but she knocked their hands away. They had no place in this, they never had. It wasn’t their business, wasn't their job to approve or disapprove. She didn’t want them, didn’t need them.

She was halfway to her car when she registered a familiar voice calling her name.

“Rey! Hold up!”

For a moment, her ears didn’t connect to her brain, and she thought it was Ben. Her traitorous heart leapt into her throat, but it settled back to pound in her chest when she registered not Ben but _Finn_ jogging up beside her.

“I don’t want to hear it,” she snapped. He’d never liked Ben, and that made her angry, too.

Finn frowned at her, having to hurry to keep pace even with his longer legs. “I don’t think I deserved that.”

She slowed down, chastened. “I’m sorry. I’m just…”

“I know,” he said. “I wanted to see if you were okay.”

She sighed, and they walked the rest of the way to her car together. It was a crappy-looking thing she’d bought with her summer job money, but it ran like a dream because she and Han had spent countless hours tweaking it. “I don’t know. I didn’t know he was going to be here. It kind of blindsided me.”

Finn smirked. “Pretty sure you blindsided him, too.”

Rey laughed, but hitting Ben hadn’t made her feel any better. Part of her even felt _worse_. “Why did he have to come back _today_?” It was supposed to be _her_ day.

Now… now it would be all about him.

“Are you coming to the cookout?” she asked Finn.

“If we have time. We have to visit my grandad first, and then Rose wants us to join them for dinner.”

Rey turned and faced him. “In case I don’t get to say it later, congratulations.” They hugged, and Finn gave her a fierce squeeze.

“Back at you, Miss Salutatorian.”

Rey smiled, but it felt fake. “I’ll see you, then.”

“Yep.” Finn took a step back, preparing to fight his way upstream in the mass of people exiting the building to find his mother. “And, hey. It’s going to be okay.”

Rey watched her friend go, feeling as if he’d grabbed her heartstrings and given them a solid yank so that her heart dangled halfway out of her chest. She unlocked her car and got in before anyone could see her crying, eager to get on the road before the mass exodus made navigating out of the lot impossible.

She sped on the way home and unlocked the empty house with shaking fingers, shedding her cap and gown the moment she entered her bedroom. She had her own key, thought of it as home, but for a long time hadn't been able to fully relax, sure that any minute Han and Leia would change their minds about her. Twice, she'd even been afraid of being kicked out.

The first time had been over the summer, when she’d crashed The Falcon on her way to work. She’d been swerving to avoid a cat, but she knew how much Han loved that van.

She’d been so terrified of what Han would say that she’d been nearly incoherent when he and Leia arrived at the hospital, where Rey had received three stitches near her hairline. When they’d finally understood what had her so worried, Han had taken her hand, looked her straight in the eye, and told her in his no-nonsense way, “The only thing I care about right now is that you’re okay. Don’t you ever scare us like that again, kid, you hear me?”

She’d sniffled and nodded, wincing at her aching head. She’d offered to help him repair all the damage, and he’d let her. It had mollified her guilt, and she’d enjoyed the time working side-by-side.

After that, Rey had tried to make herself even more useful. They’d told her that she was family with or without Ben, and that had settled in her heart like a ray of sunshine, but some dark voice inside her continued to whisper that it was all temporary, all contingent on her value and her skills and her good behavior.

The second time was when Leia had figured out what Rey was doing. She’d told Rey point blank to knock it off and had been so genuinely angry that Rey had _known_ they were done with her.

Instead of kicking her out, Leia had laid down the law. Rey would have normal chores and not be allowed to do anything extra, and she’d be grounded if Leia even _suspected_ that she was worrying about that again.

“You’re in this family whether you like it or not, so just get used to it.”

They’d scheduled extra therapy sessions, and Rey had begun to grasp just how deep her abandonment issues ran. When the therapist asked her if she thought Ben was coming back, she’d considered it and quietly admitted, “No.” When the therapist asked what she’d do if he did return, she hadn’t had an answer.

She had an answer now. Han and Leia had told her at one point that she was the opposite of Ben — he’d never been able to hold his temper, but she never let hers go.

Well, she’d finally let go. On their son’s face.

Rey locked her bedroom door and entered the attached bathroom, closing and locking that door as well. As alone as she was going to get, she stared at herself in the mirror, then closed her eyes and remembered the way he’d looked when she’d hit him.

Stunned, confused. His hair had gotten longer. Leia would definitely be on him to cut it, but it looked beautiful. As luxurious as it was in the photos peppered around the house. She remembered braiding it ages ago, how soft it had felt in her hands.

His voice. Deep and dark and velvety.

Rey swallowed. What, really, had she raced home to do?

She edged her hands under the skirt of her sundress and into the waistband of her panties, shimmied them down, and knelt on the floor, back against the wall and knees spread as her heart pounded and her fingers made their first overture toward her clit.

She hated him. Hated herself. But _God_ , his voice had made her wet.

She touched herself angrily, furious with him for making her weak, making her _want_ , and worked her primed clit into a frenzy, drawing the pleasure out until she heard the rumble of the garage door.

Time up. He was here.

She bit back a wail and came, arching her neck back as the chain reaction rocketed through her body. She let the air in her lungs go with a muffled grunt, then sucked in cool sweet oxygen as she came down.

 _Fuck him,_ she thought.

 _Yes,_ her body agreed.

 _Fuck you, too,_ she snarled at it, but it only throbbed happily in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations:**  
>  _Dobro pozhalovat' domoy._ // Welcome home.  
>  _Rad tebya videt'_ // It’s good to see you.  
>  _Tvoy aktsent uluchshilsya!_ // Your accent has improved!  
>  _A ty ne mozhesh' delat' eto zdes'?_ // And you can’t do it here?
> 
> Like last time, please forgive me if these translations are off. [Context Reverso](http://context.reverso.net/translation/) is to credit for anything I got right.
> 
> \---------  
> [See Rey's dress here.](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/177185476030/reys-dress-that-shes-gonna-wear-under-her)  
> \---------
> 
> I mentioned this recently (to Nancy; hi Nancy!), that I'm going to trust my instincts and cross my fingers that y'all will like how things go from here on out. So far, my instincts seem to have gone over well, but it's more than that. I want to make this an ending I'm proud of and can stand behind, and that means going with my gut and trusting myself. *happy thumbs up*


	31. Opening Remarks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[[Clean Version](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/177529457115/clean-version-soul-searching-ch31)]**
> 
> Many thanks to [@reyloandotherfandoms](https://reyloandotherfandoms.tumblr.com/) for beta reading. :) You rock.

Rey freshened up before she left her room. She washed the scent of sex from her hands and wiped any remaining moisture from between her thighs before stepping back into her panties. On impulse, she ran a comb through her hair, touched up her lip tint, and fixed a smear of mascara from her earlier tears.

She didn’t try to pretend the cosmetic fixes weren’t for Ben, but her motives weren’t remotely altruistic. If he had a reaction to her anywhere _close_ to the one she’d had to him, this afternoon would be torture for him.

She met her own eyes in the mirror and straightened her shoulders like a soldier going into battle.

Ben Solo wasn’t going to get out of this unscathed.

* * *

Ben kept touching the tip of his tongue to the wound on the inside of his lip where his teeth had cut into it.

Rey had one hell of a left hook. And a right hook. He’d always supposed she would take advantage of his old punching bag after he left — he knew how cathartic it could be — but he had _not_ thought through the fact that a punching bag would make her better at _punching_.

Not that he’d expected Rey to punch him when she saw him. He had imagined hundreds of different scenarios, some good and some bad, but he was embarrassed now that he’d been _hoping_ for a warmer reception. The kind that had her arms around his neck and her lips on his and her hands in his hair and his hands under her thighs as she wrapped her legs around his waist and ground herself against—

_Shit._

Good thing he was sitting down, he supposed, then decided it was a _very_ good thing when she exited the house and joined Chewie at the grill.

Was she taller? Or had she always been that tall? And had her legs always been that long? Or was it the dress? When she’d punched him, she’d been wearing that stupid billowy graduation robe, and it was a shock to his system to see her out of it and in some wispy thing that more than covered everything while leaving a huge amount of skin on display.

He was staring, he knew, his forearms on his knees as he watched her, but he couldn’t stop.

Lando sank into the chair beside him and gave a low laugh. “You have it bad, kid.”

Ben considered denying it, but there was no point. “Yeah.”

She wouldn’t _look_ at him. She knew he was staring, she had to, because how else would she know where _not_ to look?

He just wanted her to look at him. To look at him and walk over and take his hand and lead him inside and into a back room and shove him against a wall and—

 _Stop,_ he told his dick.

It twitched as if to say, _You first._

Lando crossed his legs and leaned back, clearly not suffering the same affliction as Ben. “Why’d you take off, anyway, with a sweet girl like that waiting for you?”

“I don’t really feel like explaining myself,” Ben replied. When Lando only looked at him, waiting, Ben huffed an annoyed breath and said, “She was underage, and I didn’t want to be a creep.”

Lando lifted his beer to his lips with an elegant brown hand. “And how’s that working out for you?”

Ben snorted, knowing Lando didn’t expect a reply. They both regarded her, and Ben said, “I can look myself in the eye.” He felt Lando’s dark gaze on him but didn’t turn to look.

“I guess that’s something.”

It was everything.

Ben hadn’t done much in his life that he could point to and say, “I’m proud of that.” But _goddamn_ , this was one of them.

Now if he could only get _her_ to understand.

His mother had said when she picked him up at the airport that Rey didn’t have a boyfriend, but Ben wouldn’t have altered his course if she had. There was a reason that most developed countries had a no-fault divorce law for couples split up by a soulmate connection. The bond was too hard to resist. He’d read articles about couples with soulmates who’d stayed married because of children or religion, but most cases ended with one spouse leaving the other for their soulmate.

Ben had very clearly defined rules about age, but he had zero qualms about stealing from other men. Or, as was more likely in Rey’s case, boys. Ben would have pursued her with brutally efficient focus, and eventually she would have left whatever little prick had been keeping her company.

No, the only person in the way of a life with Rey was… Rey herself.

And she was a challenge he was sure he could surmount.

Unlike the one in his pants.

* * *

When it occurred to Rey to be surprised that Luke and Ben were in the same place without violence or drama, she cornered Luke in the kitchen and asked him about it.

Luke nodded and turned the soda he’d been getting from the fridge over in his hands, the mechanical one making tapping noises where it touched the aluminum. “We’ve been talking. We have a ways to go, but we can be in the same room now.”

“Oh,” she said, stunned. She wasn’t sure if she was more surprised that it had happened or that no one had mentioned it to her. Perhaps they hadn’t thought it was any of her business. Thinking about it, they were probably right. It wasn’t any of her business. Except that it had to do with Ben, and he _was_ her business. She tried to wrestle the conflicting emotions into order and found herself left with the aching sense of being left out. “I’m… I’m glad.”

Luke leaned against the counter, his blue eyes on her, and Rey blushed, wondering if he’d read her thoughts on her face.

Instead of comment on her internal battles, he merely said, “I went to see him. We came back on the same flight.”

Of _course_ they had. It made sense now that she thought about it, considering the timing of Ben’s return. Of course they’d traveled back together. A troubling thought occurred to her, and she asked, “You didn’t _tell_ him to come back, did you?”

Luke’s brows rose. “No, of course not. He already had a ticket booked for two days from now. I persuaded him to change it to today.”

Rey frowned. “Oh.”

Luke waited for her to continue, but she didn’t, and he let the moment pass. “I took him to see my father.”

Rey’s eyes widened. “The…”

“The crazy genocidal war criminal. Yes.” Luke examined her expression and glanced out the windows. Rey looked as well, only able to catch the edge of the grill and the people around it.

Luke switched gears. “I talk to my father about my mother sometimes when I visit. Padme. He likes to tell stories about her more now that he’s getting older. He wants someone to keep her memory alive.” He turned his soda in his hands without seeming to realize it, and a small sad smile played across his face. “The Organas told us about her, and everything my father says supports their stories.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “We were robbed when she died. The world was robbed.”

Rey saw the grief lining his face for a mother he’d never even met and felt a peculiar kind of kinship. “What was she like?”

Luke considered his words. “Think of… of the strength of conviction it would take to be a genocidal maniac. The force of personality it would take to see that level of destruction through. To command fear and respect enough to have your commands followed without question.” He looked at Rey, and his blue eyes burned bright. “Now imagine that same level of conviction, that same ability to command, channeled not for destruction but for _peace_. That was my mother. Her people loved her. They respected her. She was a _powerful_ leader.”

Luke set his soda down but continued to toy with it. After a while, he said, “I told Ben this while we were in Holland, but I think it’s pertinent here.

“A lot of people think a soulmate is your perfect romantic match, but they’re wrong. It’s much deeper than that. A soulmate is the other half of your soul. And I think… when souls get shared across two people, sometimes you’re exactly the same. But most of the time, you’ll be symmetrical in all but a few key points. I think my parents were that way. The same, but my father got all the darkness and my mother all the light. Or maybe they were the same but my father’s environment nurtured the wrong things in him. I don’t know.

“Leia and I are a good example of soulmates who got different qualities. Our strengths are the other’s weaknesses. Together, we complement each other.”

Rey nodded, remembering that Ben had said something similar long ago about his mother and his uncle, before he even knew they were soulmates. “Yin and Yang.”

Luke nodded. “I see a lot of Ben in you. A lot. But you’ve got some strengths that he doesn’t. And he has some you don’t. Weaknesses, too.” He tapped the side of his soda with his mechanical hand. “And I don’t want to be an interfering old man,” he said with a wry look that she thought meant he already considered himself to have interfered, “but once the two of you work out this rift between you… you’re going to be one _hell_ of a team.”

He left her, then, and Rey mulled his words over for a long time before going back out to the busy patio.

* * *

Somehow, when the food was ready, Rey found herself maneuvered into sitting at the patio table between Luke and Leia, far closer to Ben than she would have preferred. He was across from his mother, between his dad and Chewie, while Lando lounged in his silk suit on Luke’s other side. Rey mostly talked to Luke so she wouldn’t have to look in Ben’s direction, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t noticed him or that she didn’t feel it in every cell of her body when he looked at her.

Leia turned to him and asked, “So, Ben, how have you kept yourself busy this last year?”

He hesitated, then said, “I wrote a book.”

Rey’s head came up despite herself, and she saw he’d surprised everyone else as well. His eyes flicked to hers before pink flared across his cheeks and he glanced back down.

The others spoke up, ranging from incredulous to curious.

“You wrote a _book_?”

“What about?”

“Do we get to read it?”

Ben started breaking a ruffled potato chip into crisp clean pieces, the gesture exposing his nervousness. “Ah, no. Nobody gets to read it because it’s complete shit. But… I liked writing it. It was fun. I think it’s something I want to keep doing.”

“You always did like to read,” Leia said warmly.

Han sat back and gestured with his beer. “So _that’s_ what you’ve been up to on your little vacation.”

Ben frowned at Han and set the chip down. “Could you not?”

Han spread his hands and smiled. “Come on, kid. You can’t take a little ribbing?”

“That’s…” Ben shook his head, frustration radiating off of him. “You need to learn when to keep your mouth shut.”

Anger snapped in Han’s eyes. “Maybe I should never say anything at all, would that make you feel better?”

Ben glowered at Han as the latter pushed his chair back and left the table.

Leia sighed and started to push her own chair back.

“No,” said Ben, stopping her and getting up. He wiped chip grease onto his napkin and dropped it by his plate. “It’s unfair to make you clean up our shit.” He shrugged and pressed two fingers to the bridge of his nose, looking tired suddenly. “I need to talk to him, anyway.”

Leia frowned, concern clear on her face. “You know your father jokes when he’s uncomfortable.”

Ben stiffened. “He called it a fucking _vacation_.”

“Wasn’t it?” Rey asked, eyes on her soda’s condensation as she trailed a finger through it.

The table went quiet, and she knew he’d turned his head to look at her. She didn’t look up, too proud and too scared of what she’d see in his eyes. Her neck felt strained, almost brittle, like it could snap at the slightest touch.

It was not lost on her, and probably not on any of the rest of them, that this was the first time she’d spoken to him since he got home.

When he replied, his voice was deep and gravely with something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. “No.”

* * *

Ben found his dad in the garage, sitting in the Falcon with a fresh beer.

Ben stuffed his hands in his pockets and leaned on the van. “You can’t keep doing that.”

Han scowled. “It was a joke. You’re too sensitive.”

Ben shook his head, fighting down a flare of frustration and trying to remember all the things he’d covered with Dr. Statura. He’d made plans for this conversation, but fuck if he could remember any of them. “It wasn’t a joke, and you know it. You can’t keep doing things this way — poking and prodding and then pretending to be surprised when I get offended.”

His dad took a deep swig of beer and climbed out of the van. Ben stepped back to give him room, and Han stood there and crossed his arms and waited. When Ben said nothing, Han jerked one shoulder up. “What do you want me to say, kid? You want me to apologize?” From the way his dad said that last word, it was clear he had no intention of apologizing. At all. “Talk about my feelings? Yell at you?”

“Yes,” said Ben. “All of the above would be good, but just talking to me about why you’re angry instead of…” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “Look. You and I have never understood each other. The only things we have in common are flying and a _truly_ astounding level of stubbornness, and we both know it drives mom up the wall.”

His dad tilted his head in agreement.

“I just… the way we’ve handled things up to now hasn’t worked. And, no, I don’t know how to magically fix things or what exactly _will_ work, but… I’m so tired of fighting.”

“Says the kid who ran away.”

Ben gestured. “See? _That_ is what I’m talking about. All you’re doing is trying to piss me off. Why don’t you just _tell_ me why you’re mad?”

He watched his dad examine him through narrowed eyes, could see the wheels in his head turning. His dad was loud and brash and proud. They’d never just _talked_ , they were both shit at communication, but Ben had to try. He was tired of fighting, but it wasn’t _just_ that.

He wanted a better relationship with his father.

“I had to watch that girl cry,” Han said abruptly. “And it didn’t make sense to me, why she had to hurt while you ran off and enjoyed yourself.”

Ben flinched. “I wasn’t ‘enjoying myself.’”

His dad shrugged, and Ben was suddenly angry.

“I was _alone_. You talk like I was snapping selfies on some fucking beach, but I felt like I was drowning out there, surrounded by strangers and unfamiliar places, and I just wanted to come home and _be_ with her, but I couldn’t, and the only thing that kept me from _hating myself_ was the thought that I was doing the right thing.”

“You _hurt_ her,” his dad started, but Ben cut him off.

“I know that! You think I don’t know that? You think it wasn’t all I could think about for _months_? That it didn’t keep me up at night? I _know_ I hurt her.” His jaw shifted, and he pressed his lips together to hide their trembling. “I know I should have handled it better. I’ve had a year to consider every single fucking place I went wrong.”

His dad took a swig of beer, his frown more solemn than angry now. “Why did you even have to leave? Why couldn’t you have stayed and worked it out?”

Ben sighed and looked at the workbench standing nearby, the tools in a haphazard order that somehow made sense to his dad. “I wrote all of this down somewhere to help me explain it, but I have no idea where that is, so I’m just going to wing it.” He thought about all his reasons and found the one that would make the most sense to Han Solo. Then he took a deep breath and said, “I didn’t want to be a sexual predator like Snoke.” He held up a hand when Han frowned and opened his mouth. “I know I wouldn’t have been _exactly_ like him, but I assume you can understand my not wanting to be even tangentially associated.” He let out a nervous huff, speaking quickly to shut down the other potential arguments. “Also, yes, eighteen was and is a non-negotiable hard limit, and no, I couldn’t have kept my hands off her for a year, and yes, this is the most embarrassing conversation I’ve ever had in my life.”

Han didn’t speak for a moment. “I dunno, The Talk was pretty bad.”

Ben snorted, recalling his dad’s fumbling, flustered attempt to teach him about sex. “No, this is worse. Trust me.”

The Talk hadn’t forced Ben to admit that he desperately wanted to fuck the girl Han thought of like a daughter.

Ben sighed. “What it boils down to is that I had to choose between a year of torture away from her or the prospect of comparing myself to a monster for the rest of my life.”

His dad picked at the label on his beer. For a long time, he didn’t say anything. “Do you know why I hate talking about Snoke?”

Ben stared at him, thrown. He shook his head. “Because he was a creepy serial killer child molester?”

Han didn’t smile, just kept picking at his beer. “Because it reminds me that I couldn’t protect you. That if I’d put my foot down and kept you at home like I wanted to, it wouldn’t’ve happened.”

Ben looked at his father, at the lines on his face and the grey in his hair, and for the first time in his life he saw how old he really was. “It wasn’t your fault, Dad.”

Han nodded, lips twisting like he was holding onto his stoicism by a thread. “Yeah, well,” he said gruffly. They stood there for a long while, both pretending they weren’t fighting off tears, until Han shifted his weight. “We should probably get back.”

“Okay.” They walked inside together, and Ben glanced at his dad as they approached the patio door. “Listen, I’m trying this new ‘don’t bottle everything up until you explode’ thing, so I’m reserving the right to call you out on being a dick. Fair warning.”

Han snorted. “Sure, fine. So long as I get to call you out when _you’re_ being a dick.”

Ben grinned. “I can live with that.”

* * *

Rey was still baffled by how Ben could have talked Han around in the space of fifteen minutes. Lunch had wound down and Leia had sent Han inside to fetch Rey’s graduation gifts. Rey fidgeted as they waited, still not used to accepting presents. The whole process made her uncomfortable.

Han returned pulling a giant rolling suitcase in a lovely shade of olive green, and Rey smiled. She liked practical gifts the best, and Leia seemed to know that.

“For college,” Leia said cheerfully as Rey got up to look at it. “You’ll need luggage when you go. Here, unzip it and there are more bags inside. They stack.”

Rey did as Leia bade, laying the large suitcase flat to find a medium-size version tucked inside. She unzipped that to find a matching green duffel bag folded neatly within.

“Here, lift that out and take a better look at it.”

Rey stopped mid-lift when she saw the long box hidden beneath the duffel bag. Her gaze snapped up to Leia’s, who looked particularly gleeful. “Leia…”

“No arguments,” Leia said because she knew Rey’s difficulty accepting expensive gifts.

Rey had never had her own computer before. She’d been using the one in Leia’s home office for schoolwork and email, but this was… “It’s too much.”

“It’s not top-of-the-line, and that is the _only_ concession I was willing to make. You need a laptop for school, and that one is very reliable.”

Rey felt like crying, but she got up and hugged Leia, then Han. “Thank you, guys.”

“I wanted to get you a fuel-injection system,” Han complained.

Rey grinned at him. “Christmas.”

The uncles gave her money. Luke put his in a thoughtful card, but Chewie just handed her a check. Altogether, she got seven hundred dollars, and the amount made her head swim.

An awkward silence fell as everyone but Rey glanced at Ben.

“IOU,” he said, spreading his empty hands.

Rey put the suitcases back together and zipped them up. “I’m going to put these things in my room.”

Leia kissed Rey’s cheek. “Congratulations, sweetheart. We’re so proud of you.”

It almost made her forget how badly the day had gone.

* * *

Rey was washing dishes in the kitchen after lunch when Ben came up and asked if he could dry.

Without looking away from her work, she said, “It’s a free country,” then set her sponge down and started to walk away.

He heaved a sigh. “ _Rey_.”

She turned on her heel and met his eye. “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I not old enough to make my own decisions yet? Is that what this is?” She gestured at the dishwater.

He scowled. “That’s not—” He spread his arms helplessly. “All I said was your _name_.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “It’s the _way_ you said it.”

He rubbed the heels of his hands over his eyes with a growl. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

Rey turned to leave again, but Ben’s warm fingers closed gently around her wrist. She stared at the point where he touched her, her face and body flaring with warmth, and forced her expression into a glare before meeting his eye again.

And promptly forgot what she was going to say.

“I’m sorry,” he said gently, thumb rubbing across the sensitive skin on the underside of her wrist. “I should have done things differently.”

Rey drew a breath into her too-tight lungs and tugged her arm away with more force than was strictly necessary. “Don’t do that.”

He glanced at her wrist and ducked his head. “Sorry.”

“Not that,” she snapped. “Although, yes, that too. I mean the…” She gestured vaguely at his face, which now just looked confused. “The puppy dog eyes.” She folded her arms irritably and looked away. “Don’t do that.”

He blinked, then laughed softly. She glared at him again, and he raised his hands. “Okay, sorry. Sorry. I didn’t realize that was a thing. But I will try not to do the thing I wasn’t aware I was doing. For you.”

She was pretty sure he was laughing at her, but she just rolled her eyes and said, “See that you don’t.”

She retreated to her room and locked the door behind her, then climbed into her bed and guiltily shimmied out of her underwear, proceeding to touch herself for the second time that day. She imagined Ben knocking on her door, finding that she'd accidentally left it unlocked, or maybe it hadn’t latched properly. She liked that, the idea that it might swing open if he knocked, exposing her. He would stare and start to leave but then stop and ask with dark eyes and tense shoulders if she needed any help. She would gasp and glare, but her core would pulse, and she would ultimately nod. He would slip inside the room and lock the door properly this time, and then he'd use those long fingers and that velvety voice to coax her higher until she shattered.

Rey came, her gasp pressed into her pillow as she thought about the way his hand had felt on her skin.

 _Holy fuck_ , she thought as she panted and trembled. If she was going to have to retreat to take care of herself every time she interacted with him… she was screwed.

And not even literally.

* * *

Rey made sure her laptop was charging before she guiltily exited her room. The sound of running water from Ben’s old room pinpointed his location, so she wandered toward the kitchen and saw the other men out back shutting down the grill.

She found Leia in the laundry room with a large black duffel bag.

“You're doing his laundry?” Rey observed, leaning against the door jamb and resisting the urge to imagine Ben naked and wet, touching himself.

Would he close his eyes? Imagine her? Would he have to bite back moans, or was he naturally quiet?

Rey shivered, glad Leia was digging through the bag instead of looking her way.

“I offered,” Leia said simply. Then she glanced up at Rey and smirked. “Unless you want to do it.”

Rey grimaced, and Leia laughed.

“Didn't think so.”

They chatted for a bit, and Rey pretended that she wasn’t filing away that Ben wore boxers in a narrow range of dark colors.

Maybe she’d get some fluorescent pink ones and sneak them into his bag just to mess with him. Or maybe something stupid, like smiley faces or a Union Jack or kittens.

It amused her to consider, but then she realized she was thinking about his exasperation when he found them and maybe him wearing them for her, and she needed to shut that line of thought _down_.

 _No buying Ben underwear,_ she told herself sternly.

So when a knock came at the front door, Rey went to get it to distract herself.

“Finn!” she cried, throwing her arms around him. Perfect. She really needed someone on her side right now. The rest of Ben’s family were too happy to have him back. Rey didn’t begrudge them their happiness, but she’d felt a little bit alone because of it.

“I can’t stay long,” he said, hugging her back. “Mom dropped me off while she runs to the store to grab a pie or something for the Ticos.” He let her go and shrugged, following her inside. “She doesn’t want to show up empty-handed.”

“I like your mom,” Rey said as they passed through the house and headed out to the back patio where the men were still drinking. “Have I said that before?”

“Once or twice,” he replied with an easy grin. Rey didn’t miss that his eyes had been scanning their surroundings as they walked through the house. He nodded at Han and the uncles, but Rey led him past them.

“He’s in the shower, I think,” she said softly when they got to a bench swing Leia had purchased after Rey kept taking friends into the back yard. They sat and began to lazily rock, too far away to be heard if they kept their voices down.

“How’s that going?”

She decided to deliberately misunderstand. “His shower? How would I know?”

Finn smiled, but his steady gaze pried a sigh out of her.

“It’s tough.” She wasn’t about to tell Finn she’d masturbated twice already. She was open with him, but that wasn’t the kind of thing they discussed. Ever. “It’s like… I want him to be this huge unrepentant jackass so I can hate him, but he’s not.”

“Yeah?”

She slouched and glowered at a bush. “He tried to apologize.”

“That bastard.”

Rey snorted.

They swung together in silence for a while before Finn stirred and said, “I’m going to have my phone on silent while I’m at Rose’s because her aunts and uncles and grandparents are there and I need to make a good impression, but if something happens or you need to get out of here for a while or something, Rose and I can put together a rescue party. Okay?”

Rey smiled up at him. “I do have a car, you know.”

His brow furrowed. “Oh. Yeah. Right. Well, if you need to talk or something.”

She appreciated it, she really did, but she wasn’t about to distract him from getting in good with the entire Tico clan. “Thank you. I probably won’t, but thank you for offering.”

“Tomorrow,” he insisted. “Call me and let me know how things are.” He made a face and added, “But wait until after eleven. You get up stupid early.”

Rey laughed.

When Finn’s mom finally texted him she was back, they walked together to the front door.

Ben was in the living room playing a game on his phone, one elbow on the arm of the couch and chin propped in his hand. He’d changed from his suit into jeans and a white tee that looked good with his dark hair. He only moved his eyes to look at them but took his chin out of his hand to wave casually at Finn.

Finn nodded stiffly back, then glanced at Rey, and they continued to the front door where he turned and whispered, “Did you want me to be ruder? I wasn’t sure there. Like, if you want me to flip him off or something, I can do that, but I need instructions.”

Rey smiled and shook her head. “Just be you. You’re perfect.” She wrapped her arms around Finn’s waist, and he wrapped his around her back. She grinned against his shirt and tie. “And hey, have fun being picked apart and your every move examined by Rose’s entire family tree.”

“I hate you,” he laughed as he let go and started down the path to his mom’s car.

“You love me!”

He turned to walk backwards and shrugged. “Yeah, I do.”

* * *

Ben made himself stay seated as Rey and Finn went to the door. He could hear them laughing, but he knew she wouldn’t appreciate him being a lurking weirdo. Plus, his dad and uncles were coming in from the back yard to gather around the TV and would notice if Ben hovered by the wall and tried to eavesdrop.

And his dad would _definitely_ yell something like, “Whatcha doing there, kid?”

Ben had been more than a little distressed by the fact that he’d come back from showering and changing to find her in the back yard with Finn, but he’d left them alone (after staring at them far too long through the kitchen windows and receiving a knowing smirk from Uncle Lando).

When Rey returned from seeing Finn out, adorably barefoot and more relaxed than he’d seen her since they’d gotten home, she leaned over the back of Han’s chair where his dad sat and draped her arms over him in a pseudo-hug. Ben’s old man patted her arms.

“We were thinking about a movie,” Han said. “Gotta pick something quick, or Leia’ll make us watch something _artsy_.”

“Can’t have that,” drawled Rey, and Ben wondered if she knew she was presenting her ass to him or if she’d be pissed if she noticed him looking.

He tried to stop, he really did. It was just… Rey. And Rey’s ass. And the strong urge to stand and flip her skirt up and palm it right where his dad and uncles couldn’t see.

 _Damnit._ He shifted in his seat, glad that everyone was focused on the TV and that he’d taken care of himself in the shower. He hadn’t wanted to spend the whole day trying to hide an erection, and now at least he wouldn’t spring to attention _quite_ as fast.

But that didn’t mean he wasn’t affected.

He tried to focus on the others instead of Rey, to mixed success. She kept shifting her hips, and fuck if it didn’t _look_ intentional. But he’d never thought she was a tease, and he knew from experience (just that morning, in fact) that she was more likely to attack her problems head-on than with oblique sexual torture.

But then again, he’d been away for a year. Things could have changed. She could be into both now.

Ben decided to stop overthinking it and just enjoy the view.

* * *

Rey retreated to her room before the movie to dig her phone out of her purse and plug it in.

She saw a few text notifications and unlocked her phone to see that Lusica had sent a _You go girl!_ right after Rey had punched Ben, but everything after that was about how well and truly bored Lusica was of her family.

Rey ignored the first text and snorted as she read over the rest. She sent, _Better there than here._

Lusica’s reply was almost instant. _Like hell. I’d MUCH rather be there watching you and Benny boy dance around each other._

Rey smiled despite herself. Lusica had taken full advantage of being able to call him Ben after he left, citing the fact that he wasn’t a teacher anymore.

Because Rey could tell Lusica things she couldn’t tell Finn, she admitted, _I want to jump his bones._

_No judgment here. Climb that man like a tree._

Rey laughed and flopped back onto her bed, typing quickly. _I’m still mad at him._

_Angry sex is supposed to be the best._

Rey rolled her eyes at that, certain nothing would happen anytime soon. He still had some apologizing to do. _We’ll see._

_Your call. But let me know how big his dick is, please._

Rey smiled. _Slut._

_A NUN would want to know what that man’s dick looks like._

Rey rolled her eyes and blushed. _Whatever. We’re about to watch a movie, I should get back._

_I neeeeed this, Rey._

Rey laughed. _I’m going now._

_I need it!_

She turned her screen off and plugged her phone in, then turned to find Ben in the open doorway, those damn eyes of his far too vulnerable.

“Can we please talk?” he asked quietly, gaze flickering to her phone and back.

Rey stood and faced him, crossing her arms. She let him wonder for a moment, let him get his hopes up, then said, “No.” And ducked around him to head to the living room.

Or tried to. He placed an arm in her way, his eyes still pleading with her. “Rey…”

She glared up at him and tried to ignore the fact that her bed was _right there_ reminding her of what she’d done in it not just today but over the entire year he’d been gone. “No. You’ve made every decision so far without me. You can damn well wait until I’m ready to talk.”

He dropped both his arm and his eyes. “Okay.”

She breezed past him with her head held high, wishing he wouldn’t be quite so compliant so she’d have an excuse to yell at him. She glanced back with narrowed eyes when she got to the entrance of the living room and wished she hadn’t.

_Goddamn puppy dog eyes._

Frustrated, she swept away and threw herself irritably into one of the single-occupant chairs because she didn’t put it past him to try and sit with her.

And there was no way she was going to let _that_ happen.

* * *

Rey went for another soda during intermission, and she stopped on her way back when she heard Leia’s voice coming from the laundry room.

“…think it would be best.”

“No, it’s fine,” said Ben, accompanied by the sound of the dryer opening. “I get it. And I think you’re right, she’d probably be more comfortable if I weren’t here.”

Rey flattened herself against the wall and fought rising panic. If he wasn’t _here_? What did _that_ mean? She didn’t want him to leave; she’d been pissy, sure, but she didn’t fucking _want him to leave_.

“Thank you, sweetie,” said Leia. “I know it’s inconvenient. Another time, you’d be welcome to stay overnight, but given the circumstances…”

 _Overnight._ Rey latched onto the word. Leia wanted him to leave for the _night_.

To her surprise, she found she didn’t like that idea, either.

The sound of clothes being moved over. “Really, mom, I don’t mind. She deserves to feel comfortable in her own home.”

Silence, and the sound of a dial turning.

“It’s your home, too, Ben,” Leia said softly.

“I know,” he said, just as soft. “But I don’t live here anymore. She does.”

“I just don’t want you to feel unwelcome.”

A low laugh. “Mom, it’s fine. Seriously. It’s not like you’re telling me I can’t come back, I just can’t spend the night. That’s reasonable.”

No, it wasn’t. Rey fought the heavy thumping of her heart, the sick worry that settled into her stomach. She didn’t want him to go, not for the night and not ever.

The dryer door clanged closed and a moment later it rumbled to life. Rey edged closer to the door, unable to help herself.

“It’s just that she’s been through a lot.”

“Yeah,” he murmured on a sigh. “Yeah. I know.” Silence, then, “I’m glad that you’ve been there for her. You and dad. It means… it means a lot.”

Someone sniffled, and Leia’s voice came out thick. “We should have been there for you, too. When you were younger. I should have—”

Shushing noises, and Rey started to back away, but Ben’s voice made her stop.

“You were there for _her_. That means more to me than anything. I don’t think I could have survived this past year if I didn’t know she had you watching out for her.”

“We love her,” said Leia.

His reply was too quiet to hear over the dryer.

As Rey retreated to the living room with her soda, she couldn’t help feeling like she’d missed something important.

* * *

The fact that Ben wasn’t spending the night continued to bother Rey all through the movie. She tried to tell herself it didn’t matter, but it seemed that her responsible inner voice had decided to take a nap ever since she saw him at graduation. She’d been running on pure emotion and instinct ever since.

It was exhausting.

Luke sat on the sofa with Leia and Ben, and Han had his usual chair. Chewie had pulled another chair around for himself — the one Ben used to sit in and do his grading before he left, the one she still thought of as _Ben’s_ chair.

Lando had begged off, saying he had some work to do for Monday. He’d congratulated Rey and bowed over her hand with a smile, then did the same with Leia’s (with _far_ more flourish), and bade them all goodbye.

Luke fell asleep soon after they started the movie back up. Rey glanced back when she heard a slight snore and saw him with his arms crossed and his chin slumped onto his chest.

Leia caught her eye and smiled, laughter twinkling in her eyes.

Rey smiled back, trying not to notice that Ben’s eyes were on her, and turned back to the movie.

She didn’t want him to go.

For a moment she wished everyone else would just leave so she could crawl into his lap. Not to kiss him but just… to be close to him. Just for a minute.

She _really_ wanted that.

Rey shifted in her seat, frustrated by the fact that she was now imagining what he might do if she crawled into his lap. Her skirt covered most of her thighs and fluttered around her knees, so her skin touched the leather of the chair in several places. She worried about leaving a damp spot when she stood up and shifted again.

 _I am_ not _going to sneak off to my room again,_ she told herself sternly when the urge popped up. _I have_ some _self-control._

She ignored the multiple examples just that day of her _lack_ of self-control and curled up in the chair, settling her popcorn against her stomach, her head on the arm. She focused on the movie, and gradually the needy demands of her body eased.

As she lay there, warm and safe, the day caught up with her, and she nodded off.

* * *

When Rey stirred, she found that the movie had ended and someone had draped a blanket over her. Probably Leia, but she couldn’t help imagining Ben.

She glanced toward the couch as she sat up.

Empty.

Rey started to tremble. She threw off the blanket and got up, terrified that he was gone, that it was too late to ask him to stay, too late to touch him and be held and…

She stumbled toward the kitchen, where the light was on and low voices came from the direction of the breakfast table.

Rey clung to the edge of the doorway and nearly sagged in relief when she saw Ben there with his parents.

He saw her before Han or Leia did, and she jerked back, breathing hard.

The old pain returned, and she went to her room and dropped onto her bed and cried.

A few minutes later, she grabbed her phone off the charger and texted Leia with shaky fingers. _Don’t let him leave. Don’t mention me, but please don’t let him leave._

She checked her other texts. One from Finn checking in. She sent him a thumbs up emoji. Another from Lusica which was just an eggplant and some sweat drops, which made Rey smile and shake her head.

 _Stalwart companion and horny bitch,_ she thought wryly, sending an eyeroll emoji back.

Her phone _Ta-ding_ ed. Leia.

_Are you sure?_

Rey took a deep breath and wrote, _Yes._

A few seconds that felt like years before ellipses appeared to indicate Leia was typing.

_Okay._

Rey sighed, relieved, and went to wash the makeup off her face, looking at her damp freckled skin in the mirror when she was done. She wasn’t sure what exactly it was she was looking for. Maybe that thing that had made Ben write that he wanted her.

Whatever it was, she didn’t find it.

It was late enough that she considered changing into her pajamas, but she looked nice in this dress and part of her wanted to keep looking nice. Maybe it was weak of her, maybe it was vulnerable, maybe it was contradictory, but she wanted Ben to notice her.

She fetched her phone and typed, _Is it normal to want to kiss someone you also want to push off a cliff?_

The ellipses appeared after a minute, and then Lusica’s reply came through. _It’s how you feel, so it’s normal._ More ellipses. _And you already punched him, so get to the kissing. I need to live vicariously through you._

Rey snorted. Her fingers hovered over the screen, and then she typed, _I’ll keep you apprised._

Rey left her phone on the nightstand and wandered back out toward the kitchen. Han and Leia were in the living room, discussing whether to watch something or pull out a board game. They let her know that Luke and Chewie had both gone home after the movie and hadn’t wanted to wake her to say goodbye.

Rey entered the kitchen and peeked at the breakfast table, but no one was there.

Light and movement came from the laundry room. On impulse, Rey slipped inside and shut the door behind her, heart thumping hard as Ben stopped mid-fold to stare at her.

“You have one minute,” she said, leaning against the door and folding her arms, heat flaring in her cheeks as she tried to pretend she’d had a plan before walking in there. “Talk.”

He just stared at her, wasting precious seconds, before swallowing and setting the item in his hands down — a hooded sweatshirt. He rubbed his palms on his jeans and said, “I love you.”

Rey’s head jerked, her chin lifting half an inch, and she stared at him. Her heart filled so fast and so hard that it hurt, and she couldn’t tell if the joy or the pain was more real, but she’d come to trust pain. It was more honest.

He glanced around them and his mouth pressed and trembled the way it did when he was overcome with emotion. “I didn’t intend to tell you while surrounded by laundry,” he said, gesturing in an all-encompassing way at the dirty clothes still in his bag and the folded things on the dryer. He ran a hand through his hair and blew out a breath. “But, I don’t know, it seemed like something I needed to say first. Before anything else.”

Rey nodded minimally, attempting to keep her expression impassive.

His jaw shifted, and he swallowed. Put his hands in his pockets. She could see a reddish bruise on the underside of his jaw. It matched the much more obvious one at the corner of his mouth, and she felt a twinge of guilt. “Luke and I talked about the nature of soulmates. It started in letters, but we talked a lot more when he came to see me. He said something that hit me pretty hard. See, I was thinking about my leaving like… you were a kid, you weren’t my girlfriend, you weren’t… in a position where I had to pass everything by you. We weren’t _together_ , I didn’t need _permission_ , and that was supposed to make it easier, simpler. But what Luke said was… soulmates transcend romance and even family. They’re deeper than all of that. And I realized… I was thinking about it wrong. I thought of you as an individual _apart_ from me, but you became a fixture of my life the moment we sparked. So I should have included you.” His mouth worked for a moment. “I doubt there’s anything you could have said that would have made me stay, but I _should_ have let you in, told you everything, let you say whatever you needed to.”

“I couldn’t have made you stay,” she repeated slowly, unfolding her arms.

He shrugged, and that infuriated her. “Maybe I would have stayed a little longer. Tried to see if I could do it. If _we_ could do it, together. But—”

She bristled. “But you left. Do you have any idea what that _did_ to me?”

He looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it. Instead, he looked helplessly at the laundry as if it held the answers. “Tell me, then. Make me understand.”

She clenched her hands and unclenched them. “My parents left me. Suddenly. Without an explanation. And then you came along and did the exact same thing.” She balled her hands into fists until her nails bit into her palms, and her eyes filled. “They never came back.”

He opened his mouth, but she shook her head. She wasn’t finished.

“I didn’t know if you were going to come back, Ben. I really didn’t. My own _parents_ thought I was trash they could throw away, so why wouldn’t you?”

He flinched at that.

“You’re here, but what’s to stop you from running away when things get hard again?”

He considered her, his gaze solemn. Eventually, he asked, “Did you want an answer to that?”

She shrugged, the tears spilling down her cheeks.

He ran a hand through his hair and looked at the washing machine. It was open, and he’d obviously just finished a load. His lips twisted, tugging at the bruise, and he fixed her with those intense eyes of his. “You’re talking like I wanted to leave. I didn’t. I just didn’t see any better option.”

“Than _abandoning_ me?”

He took a step closer, brows coming together. “You wanted an answer. I’m giving you one. I’m not your parents, Rey. I left you in good hands, I gave you a reason — a crappy one, yes, but a reason — and, yes, how I left should have been handled better, but I kept in contact, and I fucking _came back_. So _don’t_ fucking compare me to them.”

Rey felt her eyes widen, and if she didn’t have a door at her back she would have retreated a step.

_Well._

_Okay, then._

His expression softened. “I get that your parents screwed you up. I get _being_ screwed up. And I am _so_ fucking sorry that I stirred all of that shit up. I really am. No qualifiers. I am _so_ sorry about that.”

She struggled not to tremble, the tears flowing freely now.

He took a deep breath. “I love you. I loved you. And I wasn’t honest with you. I didn’t trust you. I’ve given you very few reasons to trust _me_ , and I know it’s going to take time to rebuild that. But I didn’t leave because I wanted to hurt you. I left because I wanted to keep you _safe_.” His mouth worked and his eyes turned wet, but it didn’t dim his intensity. “From me.” He stepped forward again and leaned in, placing one hand on the door beside her head. Rey fought a shiver. She’d forgotten how big he was. “But you want to know why I’m never going to leave again? Because of _you_. Because I never want to be away from you another fucking second for the rest of my life. And the only thing that will _ever_ make me leave again is if you tell me to. If you need time for college, if you need time for yourself, I’ll give it to you. You only have to ask. But if you don’t—” He leaned further in, close enough she could feel his breath on her upturned face, close enough she could see how his eyes flickered to her lips and then back up. “I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth.”

Rey lost her breath, caught by the absolute conviction she saw in his eyes. When he said that, he _believed_ it, and she found herself wanting to believe, too.

She came slowly back to herself and shifted sideways out from between him and the door. She wanted to say something but didn’t know what, so she just reached for the doorknob.

Ben stepped back to let her open it, but she felt his gaze burning into her as she slipped out of the room.

* * *

Ben did his laundry in a daze after Rey left, overwhelmed by having her in his proximity, talking to him, _looking_ at him. He thought about their conversation, picked over it, wondered if he’d made things worse.

Maybe he should have been more penitent, but he wasn’t going to lie or pretend. And he _wasn’t_ inclined to be a doormat. Neither was Rey, and he loved that about her. Respected it.

His soulmate had a core of steel.

And, it seemed, fists of steel.

He touched his tongue to the wound on the inside of his lip. He’d been prodding it throughout the day, unable to help himself. He didn’t hate her for hitting him. Didn’t even blame her, really. It had pissed him off in the moment, but he thought it was something she’d needed to get out, and if _anyone_ could understand the overwhelming need to hit something…

Ben wasn’t one to throw stones.

They would talk about it, but not yet. They had more important ground to cover, and he didn’t get the impression that she was itching to hit him again.

So that could wait.

The applause when she’d hit him had been unexpected but shouldn’t’ve been. She’d punched him in front of people who’d enjoyed the drama and bloodsport he and Rey had provided ever since they’d sparked.

It made him _so_ fucking glad he’d quit. After the incident with Thomas, the administration had been relieved when he’d called to resign. They hadn’t said it, but he knew they’d been worried about Thomas suing the school. They would probably have fired him if he hadn’t already been leaving the country. He was, frankly, surprised they hadn’t fired him in his first year, the first time he’d destroyed school property, but he thought that had had a lot to do with who his mother was. He wasn’t so naive as to think the administration liked him enough on his own merit to let him get away with that shit. And though he hadn’t ever intentionally used his mother as a crutch, he’d always known his connection to her had propped him up.

So, when he’d left, he’d emailed all of his remaining lesson plans and tests so that the sub wouldn’t struggle. It had been the least he could do after not giving his two weeks notice.

He _did_ wonder if any of his kids from the robotics club had clapped. Stynnix probably had. It seemed like something she would do, if only because she loved drama. But Ben found himself oddly unsettled by the thought of Finn or Rose or Connix clapping and cheering with the rest of the mob.

Maybe they hadn’t clapped. They’d never struck him as bloodthirsty, and he’d seen plenty of kids in the crowd who’d been looking at their peers in confusion or disgust.

He didn’t care that the little shits from his classes had almost certainly been the loudest and most enthusiastic. He’d hated them as much as they’d hated him. Of _course_ they would have loved it, and that was irritating, sure, but he’d have been amused if those bastards had been slapped around by someone half their size, so it evened out.

But it did bother him to wonder if his kids had clapped.

 _That_ stung.

Ben finished putting a new load in and folding what he’d gotten out of the dryer, and then he went into the kitchen and looked outside, peering into the quiet green. He could make Rey out in the hammock across the yard, all bare arms and legs, but she wasn’t close enough to see him.

Part of him still sounded alarm bells at the sight of her. She looked _so_ young. But he knew that there had to be a point when he stopped pushing her away, stopped treating her like she couldn’t make her own choices, and that point had always been eighteen. He might still fight with himself over lingering concerns, but it wasn’t his job to protect her from himself anymore.

He wasn’t entirely sure how to explain it if she didn’t understand what would have been so bad about him messing around with a seventeen-year-old. He could tell his dad still didn’t get it, even after their talk. Han wasn’t exactly prone to following rules in the first place, and to him legal was good enough.

At least he seemed to accept that Ben hadn’t run off for the fun of it.

When Ben was a teenager, he’d run away because he’d been hurt and angry and wanted to hurt his parents. To make them pay attention to him, to acknowledge his pain and their role in it.

With Rey… he’d been afraid. Afraid of himself and his demons. Afraid of _her_.

He’d had almost nothing but introspection to keep him company this year, and he’d come to the conclusion that things would have been less traumatic for Rey if he’d been honest with her from the start and had set clear boundaries. He might still have had to leave, but she would have known why instead of whatever garbled shit he’d given her at prom when his hand had been hurting like a motherfucker and his brain had been muddled by rage and need and terror.

Making impulsive decisions on painkillers for a boxer’s fracture had probably not helped. He’d been slightly high when he’d called his mother and babbled at her while packing a bag after he’d booked a ticket to Europe. To his mother’s credit, she’d tried to calm him down and make him think about what he was doing, but he’d been convinced that leaving had been the only way.

He was still convinced it had been necessary, but everything before his leaving had been a problem. _The_ problem, really. His worry that telling her the truth would push things further and faster down the track had instead built to a truly spectacular trainwreck. With multiple casualties.

His leaving might still have opened a rift between them, but it wouldn’t have been as wide.

Probably.

Maybe.

And maybe he shouldn’t have snapped at her about lumping him in with her parents, but it had pissed him off. He knew it had hurt her, and he felt like shit that he could have spared her pain by being… better. At communication, at being an adult, at being a soulmate, at being a _person_ , but her parents were pieces of shit who’d left a kid — _their_ kid — by herself in the most selfish and destructive way possible.

Ben might be a piece of shit, but he wasn’t her parents. He hadn’t left her unprotected, friendless, and alone. He hadn’t left her wondering where he was or if he’d ever come back — though it had fucking _gutted_ him when she’d said she hadn’t known if he was going to come back. He’d told her he would. He’d meant it. And he’d done it.

But he did have to be a man and face what his failures had done to her, the breaches of trust and wounds he’d reopened.

So he would.

* * *

Leia came out to tell Rey they were queuing up another movie. “I told him he could stay the night. He didn’t want to, so I said I’d cleared it with you. Is that okay?”

The hammock creaked as Rey shifted. Leia’s phrasing didn’t make it sound like it’d been Rey’s idea, and that was what she’d been worried about. “Yeah. Thanks.” She blushed, feeling awkward that she’d asked Leia to do this for her, and dismounted the hammock, which tried to keep hold of her skirt, but she quickly tugged it back into place. “I just…”

Leia stopped her with a hand to her arm and a gentle smile. “You don’t have to explain. I understand.”

Rey expected that she did.

* * *

When they entered, Ben was leaning against a counter, looking at his phone again. Rey caught sight of a row of yellow letter tiles and a colorful board before he glanced up.

She frowned and moved closer. “Are you playing Words With Friends?”

His eyes tracked her, but she ignored him and focused on the device in his hands. His murmur was low but mild. “You didn’t think I gave up Scrabble altogether, did you?”

“You two make the popcorn,” said Leia.

_Wait, what?_

Rey whipped around, but Leia was already out of the room.

Ben moved, and she turned back to find him pocketing his phone and reaching for the cabinet with the popcorn. “She is not as subtle as she thinks she is,” he rumbled.

He handed Rey a bag of popcorn, which she opened and placed in the microwave. She felt his eyes on her, calculating.

“I played against my mother while I was away. And others, mostly random matches. A few with Uncle Luke. He has a different vocabulary than mom, but it’s just as decimating.”

Rey dug in the fridge for a bottled water. She didn’t know if Han would want another beer or not — he’d been slowly building up his blood alcohol all day and might be at his limit. On holidays, which Rey supposed today counted as, he liked to get just shy of tipsy. She got him a soda to be safe, and another for Leia.

Ben could get his own damn drink.

He’d said he wasn’t like her parents, and she’d thought about that in the quiet of the hammock. So when she straightened to set the water and soda on the counter, she also straightened her spine. “You’re not my parents, but your leaving _felt_ the same.”

A moment of silence as the microwave hummed along and popcorn began to crack into being. Rey steeled herself to look at him, a little surprised at how close they were. She had to look up at him, and he had to look down at her, his eyes so big and sad that she almost wanted to hug him to make him feel better.

“I get that.” He glanced toward the microwave and kept his voice down so they wouldn’t be heard from the other room. “There’s a lot I probably could have done to prevent that, or mitigate it. You didn’t need to go through it, and you definitely didn’t deserve it.”

Rey felt grief pull at the corners of her mouth. “But you wouldn’t have stayed.”

He only looked at her, his eyes sad.

“How am I supposed deal with that?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. But I’m here to help, if you need me.”

She gave a humorless laugh. “Yeah, _now_ you are.”

He spread his hands. “What do you want me to say, Rey? That I’m sorry I removed myself from a situation I was in no way emotionally capable of facing? That, more likely than not, would have resulted in me taking advantage of a girl _ten years_ my junior? Even without my Snoke issues — and we can go over all of _those_ if you want — you needed a chance to find out who you were without me. In a healthy environment.” At this last, he gestured to the kitchen, the motion encompassing the house and his parents in the next room.

Rey narrowed her eyes at him, his patronization astounding. The mention of Snoke had almost been enough to keep her silent, but that last little bit had pushed _all_ the wrong buttons. “Yes, please, tell me more about all the decisions you made _for_ me.”

He huffed a sigh. “Rey…”

She crossed her arms and put her weight on her back foot, shifting a few inches away from him. “There’s that tone again. Do you think I’m being unreasonable, Ben?”

She saw the calculation on his face, the suspicion that things would go _very_ badly for him if he said yes. But she also saw the _urge_ to say yes, and that pissed her off further.

“You are such an _asshole_ ,” she snapped, then turned and marched into the living room.

He followed. “I didn’t even _say_ anything!”

“You didn’t have to!” she yelled back.

Han and Leia, who were on the couch together, started laughing.

Rey blinked at them, puzzled and annoyed.

“Sorry,” said Leia, covering her smile with a hand.

Han grinned and slung his arm along the couch behind his wife. “You sound exactly like us, when we were your age.”

“Huge fights,” Leia said, nudging her husband in the ribs. “Screaming matches, really.”

“You loved me,” Han said smugly.

“You were obnoxious,” she replied.

Han looked between Ben and Rey and said, “That wasn’t a no. You both heard it, you’re my witnesses.”

Leia rolled her eyes and leaned against her husband. “You keep telling yourself that.”

They made a pretty picture of domesticity, and Rey felt embarrassed for having quarreled with Ben in front of them.

She went back into the kitchen, jerking her head for him to join her, and led him into the backyard. There, she folded her arms. “Okay. Clearly, I don’t like that you left. And you’re not going to apologize for it.” She glanced up from under her lashes, hoping he would contradict her, but he only shook his head minutely.

“I’m sorry for the way it went down,” he said softly. They stood silently for a moment, and he looked at her training dummy, his pensive expression lit by sunlight only just beginning to slant into golden evening. His tone changed, became solemn and distant. “You know… Luke is the only person who told me I was doing the right thing.”

Rey frowned at him, thrown by the abruptness of the declaration. Did he expect her to change her mind based on Luke’s opinion? Was that what this was?

Ben swallowed and shook his head as if to clear it. “Statura doesn’t make judgment calls, just sort of asks questions until you figure out your own answers.”

Rey nodded warily. Her therapist did the same thing.

“And my mom… she’s so adamant about not getting into the middle of… of _us_ that she hasn’t really said anything about it.”

Rey glanced at the house, thinking about Leia and trying to see her actions through this new lens. “Is that why she didn’t tell me you were arriving today?”

He considered it. “Maybe. Or maybe she didn’t want to spoil your day.”

Rey sighed. “Well, good fucking job there.”

Ben laughed at that, and the sound made her feel warm. He still had a slight smile when he continued, his bruised mouth more obvious with the sunlight highlighting it. “Dad obviously thought it was dumb. He’s very black-and-white sometimes. If I didn’t want to… you know… then I should’ve just kept my hands to myself. Simple.” He kicked idly at the flagstones and shook his head, mouth grim. He clearly didn’t think it would have been that simple. “But Luke said he thought I was doing the right thing.” He shrugged, and Rey recognized in the motion that he was trying to downplay how much it meant to him.

It struck her for the first time how few people Ben had in his life. He’d just mentioned every person who would have had _any_ contact with him while he was gone.

Four people. Five, including her.

And one was his _therapist_.

He didn’t have any friends to tell him everything was going to be okay, to get him through the day. And, yeah, he’d brought that on himself, but… it made her sad. He didn’t have a Finn to keep him from getting too down on himself, or a Lusica to tell him his feelings were valid even when his emotions were at war, or a Rose to slap him in the back of the head when he needed it.

He hadn’t even had his own mother for most of that year, except for phone calls and game apps, and Rey felt a pang of guilt at having kept Leia away from her own son.

Leia had gotten Rey through some very dark nights, but Ben had had to face his alone.

“Was it very bad?” she asked softly, turning her face down so he wouldn’t see the tears. “Being out there on your own?”

She felt his eyes on her, but she couldn’t look at him.

“It wasn’t easy,” he said softly. “But knowing I was doing the right thing — _believing_ that — it helped.”

“And if you ever stopped believing that?”

“If I stopped believing it was the right course, I would have come home sooner. But I didn’t.”

“You could have.”

He didn’t say anything, so she glanced at him, and the motion jostled a few tears loose. He was watching her solemnly, as if he wasn’t quite sure what she was trying to say.

She could feel her heartbeat in her throat. “You could have come home sooner. You waited until now, but… you wrote… I mean, you made it sound like… like it was hard to stay away. But you didn’t come home on my birthday.”

He frowned, his eyes a warm toffee brown as the scents of summer curled around them, fresh cut grass and traces of smoke and barbecue still clinging to the grill. Carefully, he asked, “Did you want me to?”

She gripped her elbows, feeling vulnerable. “I thought you might.”

Concern creased his brow. “You should have said something. I would have. I just… you were so upset about your finals last year, I didn’t want to distract you. I knew how much MIT mattered to you.”

“Well, I’m probably not going to get in anyway,” she said, her voice breaking.

Ben made to step forward, then hesitated and asked, “Can I… do you want a hug?”

She sniffled and shook her head, not quite ready to touch him yet. She might break apart if he put his arms around her, and she didn’t know if she would be able to put the pieces back together. “No. But thank you.”

He nodded and stayed where he was. Watching her.

Rey rubbed her tears away with the heel of her hand and turned toward the house. “What awful movie do you think your parents picked?”

He followed her inside, and for the first time in a long time Rey didn’t feel like her world was askew.

* * *

To Rey’s surprise, Leia had talked Han into the new “Wonder Woman.” She hadn’t anticipated that Leia might like superhero movies, but once they settled in with snacks (no one felt like eating dinner after their late lunch), Rey realized why Leia had wanted to see it. It had triumph and pathos and plenty of strong women who could kick ass.

Leia smiled when they paused for a bathroom break and more snacks. “I love that General Antiope is played by the actress from ‘The Princess Bride.’”

“Really?” said Rey. She hadn’t recognized her.

“Mhm. Robin Wright.”

“She’s good in ‘House of Cards,’” Ben said, coming back from the kitchen with a bag of ruffle chips and tub of dip. He offered some to Rey, and she grabbed a handful and started to munch. She was sitting on the opposite end of the couch from him, while Han and Leia sat in their usual chairs, but Rey was on the side Ben used to sit on. It threw her a little bit.

Ben opened the dip and held it out, and she dragged a chip through it and sighed when she put it in her mouth.

He smiled, bemused. “I forgot how much you like food.”

She stretched to get more dip as he sat down. “I love food.”

“Mm,” he murmured, gaze flickering over her. “You’ve gained some weight.”

She arched a brow at him, and Leia put her hand over her face as if she couldn’t believe her son’s stupidity. Rey considered it, though. His tone of voice had been… pleased.

He seemed to realize that the two women were just sitting there, not saying anything, and a spark of panic lit in his eye. “I didn’t mean…”

Rey got to her knees and stole the bag of chips to grab another handful. She handed it back with a reassuring nod. “I know what you meant. It’s fine.” She reached to drag a large chip through the dip and put the whole thing in her mouth, silencing her for a moment as she broke it with her tongue and chewed. When her mouth was clear, she said, “I _did_ need to gain some weight after Plutt’s.”

Leia glanced back at them and raised a brow at Ben. If Rey read the look correctly, Leia was letting her son know he’d gotten off easy. It made Rey both want to smile and frown. She didn’t see any reason to get angry about a comment he hadn’t intended as an insult.

When she leaned across the middle cushion to get more dip, he leaned toward her and whispered worriedly, “You know I think you’re beautiful, right?”

She looked up at him, frozen at the furthest point of her reach, and slowly shook her head no. He had _never_ called her beautiful. Not even in his letters.

He took a deep breath, his eyes still on hers. “I do. _Very_ much.”

Rey felt a flare of insecurity and whispered back, “What about Paige?”

He looked so confused that she almost laughed, and then his expression cleared. “Paige Tico?” he whispered, incredulous. “Are you still mad about that?”

Rey shrugged and looked at him expectantly.

Ben blinked and shot a glance at his mother, who suddenly got up and went to see what was keeping Han. Rey felt embarrassed for a second that their whispering probably hadn’t been as quiet as they’d thought, but Ben’s eyes were intent on hers and his chest rose and fell faster than usual, and his gaze dropped to her lips. He flushed and jerked his gaze back to hers. He seemed to chew on his words for a moment. “I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. And definitely not Paige Tico. I mean, she was nice and all, but… you’re _you_.” He shrugged helplessly and licked his lips, wetting them.

Rey wanted to lick those lips for him.

“I didn’t even have a type until we sparked.”

Rey stared at him, eyes wide and heart thumping, and he caressed her with his eyes from head to toe and back.

His chest expanded. “You are the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Rey was going to kiss him. She was just about to sway forward when she was saved by Han calling, “We’re coming in! You can stop making out now!”

They jumped apart and turned as one to glare at the doorway, but it was Rey who said, “Shut up, Han,” when Ben’s parents entered.

Han raised his brows at her, then threw back his head and laughed. Leia smirked, and Rey caught Ben giving her an odd look.

From then on, Rey tried very hard not to accidentally touch Ben when she reached for more chips, and he moved the dip to the cushion between them so that she wouldn’t have to stretch as far. She felt hyper-aware of him, and it didn’t help that he looked at her almost as much as he looked at the movie.

If their fingers brushed, she wasn’t sure it wouldn’t turn into a caress, and Rey wasn’t quite ready to expose just how badly she wanted him.

Not yet.

* * *

Rey checked on her new laptop after the movie and found it charged. She turned it on and was in the middle of updates when Ben knocked on her open door and poked his head into the room.

“Hey,” he said awkwardly when she turned. “Um, my mom said I could stay the night here, but I didn’t know if you’d be comfortable with that.”

Rey shrugged and focused on her laptop, attempting nonchalance. “It’s fine.”

“You’re sure? I know she asked you if it was okay, but it can be hard to say no to her.”

“Stay if you want to,” she replied, still not looking at him. She had a brief vision of herself having to grab him to keep him from going to a hotel and how embarrassing that would be, so she added, “Your old room is still there. I didn’t even wreck it.” She tossed a glance over her shoulder. “You’re welcome.”

He smiled, and Rey turned back to her laptop as her heart flipped over. “Thanks for that.”

She shrugged. “I’d never do that to Leia’s property.”

His voice turned wry. “So thoughtful.”

She didn’t hear his footsteps retreating, so she glanced back over at the door. He was still there, looking at her room. It was different than it had been a year ago. She’d put posters on her walls and had stacks of books jumbled on a shelf and a desk crowded with potted plants in front of her window, at which she now sat. Her laptop was settled into a spot she’d cleared for it, but there were traces of dirt and water spots where it sat.

She had photos on the walls of herself with friends and with Ben’s family, printed and framed for her by Leia even though Rey had most of the same images on her phone.

She even had new bedding in earthy tones with plenty of green, different from the pristine ivory set Leia had chosen when this had just been a guest room.

He was huge in her doorway, and she noticed that he didn’t actually enter the room. He hadn’t earlier, either, though he’d blocked her path.

The white t-shirt looked a bit loose on him, and Rey noticed that he seemed just as underfed as he had in Leia’s Christmas photo.

“How much have you been eating lately?” she asked, frowning.

He slid his eyes toward her and smiled. “Worried about me?”

She turned back to her laptop. “No.”

“Liar.”

Rey stiffened, but she didn’t have anything at hand to throw at him except for her precious succulents, cacti, and the philodendron named Phil that would need to be repotted soon, so she just tucked her hair behind her ears and ignored him.

She felt his gaze on her for a few minutes before he said, soft and yearning, “I love you.”

Rey swallowed and trembled, lips parting. She didn’t look back at him, but her voice came out breathier than she’d intended. “For how long?”

“Since that night when you needed me to come back. When you slept through dinner, and we watched that stupid movie.”

Her lips twitched. The baking detective. She’d seen more of those advertised but couldn’t watch them. They’d reminded her too much of that night.

It had meant something to her, too.

“I probably loved you earlier than that, but that was when it really set in. I looked at you asleep on the couch, and I just… I was in love with you.”

She turned in her chair to look at him and grasped the chair’s back. “Why couldn’t you tell me?”

He shook his head, looking pained. “You were too young. And I was afraid.”

“I wasn’t too young to _know_ , Ben. And, really, what’s the difference between then and now?”

His expression turned grave. “You’re old enough to make your own decisions now.”

Rey narrowed her eyes at him until he fidgeted under her glare. “Wow. That’s so incredibly gracious of you. _Thank you_ for letting me know I’m old enough to think for myself. I would never have figured it out without you.”

He sighed. “Rey…”

“There’s that tone again.”

He dropped his head back and groaned.

“Really,” she added, standing and cocking her hip in a way she’d picked up from Lusica. “Thank you _so_ much for letting me know that I’m now a card-carrying adult, thrown into your illustrious ranks by the colossal challenge of continuing to _breathe_ for eighteen years.”

He raised his eyes to the ceiling and crossed his arms over his chest. “Your vocabulary and your sarcasm have both improved this past year.” He ran a hand through his hair and leaned against the doorframe as if settling in for a long argument. “Okay, look. Eighteen isn’t some magical number where you’re suddenly good enough to be an adult.”

Rey raised an unimpressed brow at him. _No duh._

“But it _is_ the age that adults have agreed on where… you’re thrown into the deep end. Whether you’re ready or not. Whether you’re mature enough or not. Whether or not anyone’s prepared you. Everyone is going to expect you to _be_ an adult from here on out, and it’s sink or swim. No lifeguard, no flotation devices, just you.” His eyes burned into her, adding weight to his words. “I don’t know if you’re more mature than you were a year ago. I don’t know what you’re ready for. That’s something you have to figure out for yourself, and it’s something you need to be sure about, because Rey… I’m ready. For any of it. All of it.” He straightened, pushing himself off the doorjamb, and seemed to draw closer even though he didn’t move in her direction or cross her threshold. His gaze on her made her breath catch. “I want you.”

Rey took a stumbling step back as her blood rushed to the surface of her skin, making her face and chest tingle with warmth. She knew he didn’t miss it, or what it meant, because his eyes narrowed and his expression turned hungry.

He still didn’t cross her threshold.

“Before you turn eighteen, the adults in your life are supposed to look out for you. _Including_ overruling your decisions, because you’re still technically a kid. And yeah, you might think it’s bullshit, and you might have been plenty mature at seventeen, but that’s how our society works. For everyone.”

Rey crossed her arms. It was a stupid system. “I was emancipated,” she said, not wanting to let the point go without contesting it. “So I’ve actually been legally responsible for myself for months now.”

He tilted his head with a considering frown. “True,” he said slowly. “But we still had a moral obligation to look out for you.”

Rey frowned back at him, flinching internally at the prospect that Han and Leia saw her only as an obligation. “And that just goes away now?” What did that mean for her?

He shook his head. “It doesn’t go away, but it changes. We see you differently. I can’t speak for my parents, obviously, but _I_ see you differently. And other people will treat you differently. We’ll be here as a safety net, but you’ll be walking the tightrope on your own. Nobody’s going to try and put training wheels on you anymore.”

Rey frowned at him, then snorted. “That’s a lot of metaphors, Ben.”

The undamaged corner of his mouth curled up, and he shrugged. “I wasn’t an English teacher for nothing.”

“You reeeally hated that job.”

“I can’t believe I ever voluntarily worked with teenagers,” he said, hands in his pockets. He grimaced. “I hate teenagers.”

Rey raised a defiant brow. “I was a teenager. Technically, I still am.”

He nodded, a stain of pink flaring across his cheeks. “That’s part of why I wasn’t honest with you back then. I’ve always thought of teenagers as too young and hormonal and stupid to be trusted.”

Rey stared at him, needing a moment to process his words because she couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing, but he was still speaking.

“My teenage years were hell, and everyone I interacted with in high school was either afraid of me or a piece of shit who just wanted to mess with me. And teaching… I’m pretty sure that made it worse. All I saw were kids who proved me right and other kids who hid it well.”

“You… thought I was too young and dumb to be trusted?” she said, fresh anger uncoiling inside her and settling into her limbs.

He met her eye with the air of a man who knew his answer was not going to go over well. “You were a kid, Rey.”

She jerked back at that.

He scrambled to soften the blow. “That doesn’t mean I think y—” She strode forward, silencing him mid-word, and slammed her door in his face.

Shaking with fury, she sent the same text to Finn and then Lusica.

_I’m going to kill him._

Lusica replied first. _Need an extra shovel? I think I know where ours is._

Rey smiled, though she didn’t feel very amused by anything just then. _No. Maybe. I don’t know._

Finn replied after she’d been chatting with Lusica for a few minutes.

_What happened?_

Rey started to cry, so angry she couldn’t keep it in anymore. _I was apparently just a dumb kid last year._

Ellipses. They stopped and started twice, then Finn asked, _He still alive?_

_For now._

_That’s rough._ Ellipses. _You need anything?_

_Just a chance to vent. I think._

_Rose is here. Can I get her in on this?_

_Yeah._

Rey flipped over to her chat with Lusica and replied to a question about whether Rey still wanted to jump his bones.

 _Not at the moment._ As she wrote it, she wondered if that was a lie. She still felt a pull toward him, despite his being a jackass.

 _Yeah, don’t need to reward bad behavior._ Ellipses appeared, and Rey waited, but a reply from Finn came through before Lusica finished whatever she was writing.

_Rose says to kick his ass. I think she’s kidding, though._

_LOL_

_Yeah, she’s kidding. She says she’s in favor of figuratively kicking his ass since you’ve already literally done so._

Rey switched over to Lusica.

 _But if you do harness your inner cowgirl and turn him into your own personal bucking bronco, no judgment. You deserve to get yours. You’ve earned it._ On a new line, she’d added, _Maybe you could punish him? Think he likes spanking? He doesn’t seem like the type, but maybe if it’s you…_

Rey rolled her eyes and wrote, _Luce._

_LOL! I can feel your exasperation from here._

Rey switched back to Finn.

_This is Rose, I took Finn’s phone. You stay strong, okay? Don’t let him push you around because he’s older and your soulmate. Your feelings matter, and he shouldn’t get away with treating you like shit. That’s not how soulmates work. Oh, and Paige says hi._

Rey read over Rose’s message several times, feeling conflicted. She didn’t feel like Ben was pushing her around. And he’d made her feel like shit, but he’d never actually _treated_ her like shit. He’d kept things from her and he hadn’t treated her like an equal — hadn’t _seen_ her as an equal, and that pissed her off — but he’d always been… kind. He’d kept his distance because he’d thought of her as a kid, and while she disagreed with that, and he’d been wrong in _so_ many ways, he’d always tried to… to take care of her. He’d come to her when she’d been sick and had needed him, and he’d shown he cared in a myriad of ways. The school lunches, the ice cream, the way he’d shown up at the hospital and comforted her after the attack. Taking her flying on her birthday. Lifting her to and from her wheelchair. Sponsoring a club he didn’t care about to make her happy.

Good things. Good _memories_.

Rey looked back at Rose’s message and typed, _Tell Paige hi back._

She set her phone down and sat for a long time, thinking about the way he’d been before her seventeenth birthday. When things had been good.

Rey checked on her laptop to find that the updates had finished. She downloaded her favorite browser and imported her passwords and bookmarks. She dug up a photo of her friends and set it as her background.

She fiddled with it for a long while, the old memories swirling around her like wraiths to remind her why she’d fallen in love with him in the first place.

Rey finally sighed and went back to the living room to face the inevitable.

Ben was alone, the hour late enough that Han and Leia would be in bed. He sat with his feet up and his phone out, and he looked at her warily when she approached, his eyes searching her expression for a clue to her mood.

Rey stopped beside him and hugged her elbows. “Do you want to watch something?”

He blinked, surprised, but only nodded. “Sure.”

Rey curled onto the opposite end of the couch, dragging a blanket over her legs, and accepted the remote from him. And if a little shiver ran through her when their fingers accidentally brushed… and if she saw the same shiver mirrored in him… neither of them said anything about it.

* * *

“Can I ask you something?” Ben said during a commercial break on the crime procedural show they were watching.

Rey muted the TV and looked over at him. “Okay.”

His brows furrowed. “Not that I’m complaining, but… why aren’t you more angry?”

Rey looked at him, then picked at her blanket as she chose her words. “You’ve earned a stay of execution. For tonight, at least.”

He blinked twice. “How did that happen?”

She was silent for a long while, just watching images flash across the silent screen. She didn’t unmute it even when their show started up again.

When she finally spoke, her voice was soft and measured. “I am _not_ okay with everything you’ve told me today. You should have been honest with me from the start, and I am furious that you weren’t. But.” She took a breath and cast him a warning glance, though he didn’t look inclined to interrupt. “In spite of all of that, back then, you were decent to me.” Rey swallowed a lump in her throat. “There was a lot you left out. You hid things and you lied and you kept me purposely ignorant. I was _so_ fucking insecure because of that, and you are _not_ off the hook for it. But… you were also pretty okay.” She lifted the remote and pointed it at the TV. “Plus, I’m really tired of fighting for tonight. I just want to veg out.” Her hand trembled as she added, “With my soulmate.”

She unmuted the TV before he could reply and pulled the blanket up over her shoulders so she was covered from neck to toe. In her periphery, she saw him swallow and nod before he looked back at the TV.

But he kept sneaking glances at her.

Rey pretended not to notice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote [an overview](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/178217760265/writer-confessions) of the violence last chapter, character reactions, and some expanding on how soulmates work in this world. Plus one or two things that were mistakes on my part.  
> \---------
> 
> Rey and Ben both would _like_ for the other to come around to their way of thinking, but that isn't something I require for reconciliation. Healthy fighting is more about understanding, less about winning.
> 
> If you're worried they won't end up together, know that I had to resist forcing them to make out pretty much every paragraph of this chapter. I am a Reylo, and a romantic, and my instincts are pulling hard toward fluff and smut.


	32. Collecting Kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[[Clean Version](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/178147933965/clean-version-soul-searching-ch-32)]**

Ben woke to a brightly-colored fast food commercial, a crick in his neck, and a warm weight against his hip. He stretched his neck and glanced at Rey. She’d uncurled in her sleep and had tucked her feet against him.

He relaxed as he looked at her. He’d been so tense the last year, pressure sitting on his chest like a lead weight. Too often, he’d woken groggy and reaching for something that wasn’t there. He would find empty air and remember, and the weight would get heavier.

Ben sighed silently and let his head fall back against the sofa, his body deeply unhappy with him for falling asleep sitting up. Rey might be able to contort into weird positions and wake up refreshed, but Ben was old enough for his joints to protest the lack of a bed.

The commercials ran out and another crime procedural came on. He didn’t even want to watch it, but the remote was on the table past Rey, and he didn’t want to wake her up by moving.

He checked the time on his phone. In Sweden, it would maybe be dawn, but here it was the asscrack of night. His jetlagged body hated him, his muscles still aching after that morning’s nine hour plane ride, on which he’d been too nervous to sleep.

Rey’s breathing beside him was deep and even, audible. She’d be okay here on the couch, but if Ben didn’t get at least a few hours of sleep in a bed, he would regret it.

Though he stood carefully, Rey stirred and said, “Ben?” She blinked sluggishly up at him.

Unable to help himself, he gently touched her shoulder. Just enough to get her attention and reassure her that he was there. “I’m going to bed,” he said softly. “You should, too.”

“Oh,” she said. Yawned and sat up, clutching the blanket to her chest. “Okay.”

He picked up the remote and switched the TV off, plunging them into pitch black. Ben grumbled and found a lamp, switched it on the lowest setting, and then waited, not wanting to leave her here alone.

* * *

Rey wanted to straddle him. Push him down on the couch and rub against him until they both got off.

Her reasons for not doing so didn’t make much sense just then, sleep-muddled as she was.

“Ben?” she asked when he lingered.

“Mm?”

Rey’s heart pounded, her limbs heavy and breathing shallow. “Would you…” She blushed, and he focused on her. She couldn’t look him in the eye as she forced out, “Would you kiss me goodnight?”

He didn’t move. When she looked back at his face, his eyes were wide and his mouth shifted, throat bobbing as he swallowed.

“Ben?”

That jolted him out of it, and he moved a step toward, then away from her. “Yes,” he said quickly. “Yes, of course.” He wound up kneeling on the floor beside her, rubbing his hands on his jeans-clad knees. He looked into her face. “Are you sure?”

Rey swallowed her nerves and nodded. “Yes.”

He shuffled around a little bit, hesitating with his hands hovering near her as if he couldn’t decide where to put them. Then he leaned forward and frowned as if trying to decipher the correct angle.

Rey couldn’t go through with it. She wanted kissing him to feel real and organic, not forced, so she put a gentle hand on his chest and sat back out of his range.

Startled disappointment and hurt flashed across his face before he hid it, and Rey felt guilty as she tucked the blanket around her knees. “It’s okay,” she said gently, trying to reassure him that she wasn’t playing mind games. “Come on, let’s watch something. I’m awake now.” She jerked her chin toward the cushion beside her.

He got up and settled gingerly onto the center cushion, tossing a glance her way as if worried he’d misinterpreted her gesture. Her knees rested lightly against his side — an apology of sorts.

Rey pulled up Han and Leia’s streaming service and entered her search criteria. Ben groaned before she even finished typing, and Rey grinned at his incredulous horror when multiple results popped up.

“They made more than _one_?” he asked.

“ _Oh_ yes.” She turned to him, perfectly serious. “Ben. The world _needs_ stories about bakers who solve mysteries with literally no training.” She clutched the remote to her heart. “ _Needs_ them.”

He rolled his eyes. “ _Nobody_ needs them. I dare say the world would be infinitely better _without_ them.”

Rey pointed the remote at the TV. “Do we want to watch the Christmas one or the Valentine’s one?”

“Is ‘neither’ an option?”

“No.”

He grunted irritably, but she saw the corners of his mouth twitching up. “You pick. I’m going to need coffee to stay awake. Want any?”

* * *

As Ben prepared coffee, he obsessed over the failed kiss. He’d been far more nervous than he should have been, given that he’d been thinking about kissing her for well over a year. Which was likely the entire problem. He’d been building it up for so long that he’d put too much pressure on himself to make it perfect, to make sure she felt comfortable. He’d hesitated, and he’d blown it, and the chance to kiss Rey had slipped from his grasp entirely.

It was fucking depressing.

Rey entered the kitchen and poked through the pantry, pulling out a package of Oreos and setting them on the island. She skirted around to the cabinets by Ben and pulled a glass down, her bare arms moving gracefully in the indirect glow of the under-cabinet lighting, her dark skirt swishing lightly with every shift of her body.

She had to pass him to reach the fridge, where she tugged a jug of milk out, uncapped it, and began to fill her glass.

“Can I try again?” he asked when she was nearly finished.

“Try what again?” she replied absently, focused on her task.

That was discouraging, but fuck it. He didn’t care if he had to beg. It was Rey. “The kiss.”

“Oh,” she said, straightening the jug and glancing at him with wide eyes. “Um. Yes. Of course.” She hurriedly capped the milk and put it away, biting her lip when she turned back with nothing to occupy her hands. Nothing between them, blocking him. “That’s kind of why I chose the dumbest movie I could find.”

He frowned. “I don’t follow your logic.”

She smiled a little and tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s hard to be stressed with a ridiculous movie on. I figured… we could watch it, and when you feel relaxed… we could try again.” She ducked her head and glanced nervously up through her lashes.

“Oh,” he said, lightheaded because all of his blood had just gone southward. He wondered if she’d be pissed if he kissed her right there, pinned against the fridge, because he damn well wasn’t going to be able to relax with _that_ prospect on the table.

The couch would be more comfortable, though, and he hoped that when they finally kissed it would go on for a while.

The couch was the most sensible place.

But… fuck sensible.

“Can I kiss you now?” he asked, stepping forward as butterflies flung themselves against his insides.

She blinked and bit her lip, good signs because they weren’t no. And her body swayed toward him. It was only a millimeter, but he was examining her closely enough to catch it.

When she nodded, his focus narrowed further. He watched the way her eyes fluttered closed when he cupped her cheek in his palm, and he wanted to drag her dress straps down and lick his way to her breasts, suck on them and find out exactly how her nipples pebbled while she whimpered and held herself up with both hands in his hair.

But she hadn’t given him permission for that. So Ben restrained himself to stepping forward, leaning down, and tipping her face up with a touch to her chin. Her eyes opened halfway, and he met them for a long moment, savoring having her there, with him, waiting for him to kiss her, before he bent and brushed his lips across hers.

Slowly.

Then he dragged them back across, equally as slow, letting every imperfection of his lips catch and tug at the sensitive skin of hers.

Rey let out a little gasp that went straight to his groin, and he deepened the kiss, wrapping one arm around her waist to hold her steady. Her arms went around his neck.

She was warm and eager in his arms, as if she’d been waiting for this just as long as he had.

It wasn’t until the pressure of their mouths nudged the wound inside of his lip that he grunted and pulled back, wincing.

“Ben?” she asked, concerned.

He shook his head, bringing his fingers up to touch the wound. No blood. Just sore. “Sorry,” he said, his voice a bit raspier than usual. Rey’s mouth was kiss-swollen, and the sight filled him with satisfaction. _He’d_ done that. “You have an excellent left hook.”

“Oh,” she said, and her eyes widened. She stared at his mouth and then actually seemed to deflate before his eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said in a small voice.

* * *

The bruises had been red earlier, but now they’d started turning purple. The one on his mouth looked a bit swollen.

Rey forced herself to face them and winced, shoulders hunching inward. “I shouldn’t have hit you.”

Something flickered in his eyes, and he searched hers for a long moment. He took a breath and said, “It can’t happen again.”

Rey flinched. She’d been hoping he would brush it off, but she knew logically that he shouldn’t let it go that easily.

It didn’t stop her from wishing he would.

The irony was not lost on her as she swallowed her pride and nodded. “I know.”

“It _can’t_ , Rey. I’m not okay with being hit.”

Tears pricked at the backs of her eyes. “ _I know._ ”

He hesitated, then held out a hand. She looked at it for a long moment before putting her own in it, letting him grasp her fingers with his longer ones. He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles, and she tingled from the contact. “I’m not mad,” he said. “Just… it can’t happen again.”

The tears fell. “It won’t.”

His hand squeezed, his fingers lacing through hers. His voice was gentle, and she almost wished he would yell at her. The kindness made it worse. “I get why you did it. I’ve needed to hit things before.” Still his thumb brushed across her skin. “Did you know, I punched my dad once?”

Rey swiped at her eyes and shook her head.

He shrugged. “It was pretty awful. I didn’t have the height advantage I do now, but it busted his nose. Blood everywhere.”

Rey flexed her fingers against his and heard the way his breath caught. “I shouldn’t have hit you. Especially in front of all those people.”

His eyes were fixed on their hands. “People do like a show.”

“They _clapped_ ,” she said, and his gaze rose to her face. She remembered it, how she’d felt horribly exposed. “I hate them for clapping.”

“Forget them.”

“Ben—”

He shook his head, eyes dark and unflinching in the dim lights. “They don’t matter. Besides,” he added in a milder tone, clasping her hand tighter, “I did kind of spring myself on you.”

Rey huffed a laugh and took a step into his personal space. “Yeah, you did.” He reacted, Adam’s apple bobbing, and part of her leaned into the desire she read in his eyes. She wanted him to kiss her again. “Still, I shouldn’t have done it,” she murmured, raising her free hand to touch the damaged part of his mouth. She wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened, but the evidence was right there.

And if she wanted him to atone for _his_ sins, she needed to hold herself to the same standard, no matter how much it sucked.

His lips parted, and he nipped the tip of one finger. Rey gasped, and his eyes went heavy-lidded with lust. “Rey,” he whispered, mouth moving against her fingers, warm breath puffing onto them. His throat moved as he swallowed. “Can I kiss you again?”

Equally soft, she said, “Don’t hurt yourself this time.”

His mouth landed warm and eager on hers, and Rey fought to keep her knees from buckling. His tongue probed at her lips, and she found herself gasping against his mouth, letting him in with a groan. She inexpertly met his tongue, and he rumbled his approval, his grip on her hand tightening convulsively as he backed her up against the island counter.

Rey wrapped her free arm around his neck and lifted a leg to hook behind his knee, and then his warm palm was on her bare calf hitching it higher, and _fuck_ he was letting her hand go and lifting her so that she had to wrap both legs around his waist.

Rey dug her fingers into his shoulders and jerked in surprise when she felt something hard against her inner thigh. “Oh!”

Ben stopped immediately, staring into her face and then hurriedly setting her down. “Sorry,” he said, running a hand through his hair and looking around the room as if just then remembering where they were. He backed a few steps away, and Rey couldn’t help herself — her eyes dropped to his groin.

She was surprised that he didn’t turn away or try to hide, just let her eye his length where it pressed against his jeans. It was an awkward, off-center lump that was _far_ more dick-shaped than she’d expected, and Rey’s insides twisted and writhed so hard it felt almost like motion-sickness.

When she finally snapped her eyes to his face, aware that she’d been staring at his dick for far too long, she blurted, “I’m a virgin.”

He blinked a few times, then nodded thoughtfully. “I thought you might be,” he said softly, rubbing his palms on his thighs. “I, ah… same.”

Rey was surprised. Fiercely pleased, but mystified as to how a man his age, looking like _that_ , had never been with anyone.

It was true he wasn’t ruggedly handsome or even boy band pretty, but he _had_ something. The broad shoulders, the expressive dark eyes, the height. The hair. But mostly Rey thought it was something intangible. Something intrinsically _Ben_. He was — and she’d never have seen it if they hadn’t bonded, would never have paid enough attention to him to notice it — panty-droppingly sexy. So she was being perfectly sincere when she asked, “Seriously?”

He raised a brow and deadpanned, “I know. With my sparkling personality, I should have been mobbed.” He tilted his head and grimaced. “I’ve been on, like, two dates. I’m incredibly awkward.”

Rey tamped down a flare of jealousy that he’d ever found another woman attractive enough to ask out. “I don't think I've ever seen you be awkward.” Rude, frustrated, angry, overbearing, worried, and even, on occasion, content. But never awkward.

He looked at her, then gave a soft smile. Tried to joke, “You've never been on a date with me.”

That was true. They’d spent time together, but even that flight on her seventeenth birthday hadn’t been a date. “I’d like to,” she said. His eyes widened a fraction, and she clarified, “Go on a date with you. I’d like to do that.”

His cheeks flushed pink, something he hadn’t even done while she’d been checking out his erection. “Okay.”

She snuck another look at his crotch.

Still alarmingly dick-shaped.

“It’s never going to go down if you keep doing that,” he huffed, and Rey jerked her eyes guiltily back to his face to find him watching her with a barely-there smile.

She rolled her eyes at him, blushing, and turned to grab her milk and cookies off the counter. “Just get your coffee, asshole.”

* * *

Rey sat cross-legged on her side of the couch, twisting the tops off Oreos and eating the frostingless side first until she could mush two frostings together to make a _monster_ Oreo. It was in the middle of biting into one of these that Ben returned with his coffee. He looked at the couch and hesitated before sitting on the far end.

Rey tried not to take it personally, groping for the remote to start the movie. Why would he want to sit beside her? It wasn’t like he’d fueled her sexual fantasies for the next twenty years with those kisses in the kitchen.

 _Dumbass,_ she grumbled internally, forcing herself not to look at his pants to see if he was still hard.

They were maybe four minutes into the movie when he said, “I’m seeing a lot of baking, but I don’t see any murder.”

“Give it a few more minutes,” she told him. “Murder takes time.”

“They keep smiling at each other. It’s five in the morning. Nobody is _that_ cheery at five in the morning.” He sat up and pointed at a gaggle of characters entering the bakery laughing. “No. No. Stop it. Turn your butts around until you are ready to be passive aggressive and judgmental like real human beings. Jesus Christ,” he said, sitting back and shaking his head. “What is this, Mayberry?”

Rey set her cookies aside and got on her hands and knees to crawl toward him. His eyes locked on her as she did, and he set his mug on the table. Rey stopped just short of him, rocked forward, and kissed his cheek. Then she smiled at the heavy-lidded look he gave her and sat back on her heels, pleased with herself. “You’ll get your murder soon,” she promised, flopping back into her spot and grabbing another cookie, her toes tucked into the space between her cushion and the middle one. Her skirt rode up a little, and it gave her a thrill when his hungry gaze dropped to her legs. She debated parting her knees so he could look all the way up to her underwear, but he swallowed and looked back at the TV before she could make a decision.

Rey bit her lip and rubbed her thighs together. She saw Ben watching the motion out of the corner of his eye. He had a hand on his coffee cup but hadn’t picked it back up.

“Come kiss me till they kill someone,” she offered, sliding down until her back was on the cushion and her neck was on the arm of the couch. The motion made her skirt slide higher, but she didn’t try to fix it, too desperate to have him pressing between her legs again.

His lips parted, chest moving visibly as he raked his gaze over her. His knuckles turned white where he gripped the handle of his mug. “Are you sure?” he asked huskily.

She parted her knees — not wide, but enough for him to rest between — and that was all the invitation he needed to let go of his coffee and crawl up her body, pausing to kiss each of her bare knees before looming large and heavy over her.

Rey’s breath caught as she looked up into his face. His eyes were softer than she’d expected. He looked at her not as if he wanted to devour her but as if… as if…

“I love you,” he whispered into the warm, intimate space between them.

As if he wanted to make love to her.

Rey cupped a hand behind his neck and lifted her face while drawing him closer. Their lips met, and _there_ was the hunger, but he didn’t settle between her thighs, didn’t press his hips against her even though she wouldn’t have minded.

He seemed to be taking the “kiss” part of her demand quite literally, because kissing was all he did.

Heart-pounding, toe-curling, tongue-twining kissing that made both of them moan until Ben raised his head a few inches, his reddened, damaged lips parted, and threw an accusatory glance at the TV. “Someone has been murdered,” he murmured, turning back to her with a question overlaying the heady desire in his eyes.

Rey leaned up and gently kissed the bruise on his mouth as guilt threaded through her, ruining the moment. “I really am sorry about hitting you.”

“I’ll heal,” he replied. He brushed some of her hair carefully out of her face. “Thank you, though.” He eased off of her, returning to his cushion, though his eyes didn't leave her. “Are we supposed to watch the movie now?”

“Might as well,” she sighed, wiggling to sit up. She didn’t miss that Ben’s eyes dropped to her bare legs as she did.

With her heart in her throat, she crawled over and tucked herself against his side the way she’d wanted to last year. Ben lifted his arm out of the way, letting her rest her cheek directly against his chest, and placed it behind her, not quite an embrace.

His heart thudded through the white cotton under her ear, and she tried to focus on the movie. She found herself getting into it, even though she'd missed seeing who exactly had been killed. She'd always liked mysteries.

After the baker and detective’s first argument, Rey laughed. “Oh my God, it’s us.”

“What are you talking about?” With her ear against his chest, she could hear how Ben's voice reverberated. It gave her goosebumps.

“The detective is an antisocial pessimist, and the baker is a cheerful optimist. It’s us.”

“That’s not us.” When she looked at him, he pointed out, “You are not as cheerful as you seem.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, but he wasn’t wrong. “Well, you’re not as mean as you pretend to be.”

“I am every bit as mean as I pretend to be.”

“Not with me,” she said confidently.

“No,” he agreed, and his eyes caught her and kept her from looking away. “No, not with you.”

She tilted her face up, and he took the hint and kissed her again. He groaned into it, and she hoped it was because he'd been dying to kiss her again.

When Rey resettled against him, she realized she had a perfect vantage to see exactly what she'd done to him.

He was hard again, though he'd centered his length at some point — after she'd left the kitchen, maybe? — so it followed the line of his jeans zipper until the end disappeared behind the drape of his shirt.

If she wrapped an arm around his middle, she could “accidentally” brush against it. Or… she didn't think he would mind her hands wandering, exploring, taking him out and fondling. Maybe even… tasting. She thought he would like that, probably buck his hips and swear at the first touch of her tongue. His fingers would dig into the couch, and she would feel powerful.

But while Rey _wanted_ to touch it… it also scared her a little bit.

It oughtn’t. It wasn’t very different than the dildo buried in the back of her nightstand drawer, the one she’d taken her own virginity with, but she was shocked at how much more obscene Ben’s warm, cloth-obscured flesh looked compared to the piece of silicone she’d ridden night after night pretending it was… well, this exact dick, if she were honest.

Fantasizing about it had been hot, but Rey found that she was a coward when presented with the real thing.

And maybe that was a good thing. It wasn’t like she wanted to hop on and ride him and forget everything he’d done, everything they still needed to talk about.

But she also had a year’s worth of sexual frustration built up that roared at her to make Ben do something to fix it.

She could beg him to touch her. To use those long, thick fingers the way she'd imagined earlier, and her sex throbbed its approval of that option. But the sensible bit of her, the part that had reinstated itself after her nap earlier, suggested Door Number Two: go to bed, fuck herself with her dildo until her fingers cramped and her eyes rolled back, and deal with the giant complication that was her soulmate tomorrow.

It took every bit of her willpower to lift her head from his warm, solid chest and detach from his side. She stood in front of him, ignoring his questioning frown, and bent forward to kiss him. She held her hair out of the way and didn't let any other part of her body touch his, because kissing alone was almost enough to break her resolve. Especially when Ben opened his mouth beneath hers, making her thighs clench as their tongues met and stroked.

“I'm not going to make it,” she said, straightening and dropping her hair. Let him think she was talking about staying awake.

“Right,” he said, seeming a little dazed after the kiss. He ran his tongue thoughtfully over his bottom lip, and Rey resisted the urge to climb on his lap and make out with him in earnest, reminding herself of the helpful toy in her room that had no emotional strings to tangle around her.

No history attached, no man attached, no consequences come morning.

She imagined his reaction if she told him what she was about to do, and she was briefly tempted, but she decided that telling him might count as an invitation, and she couldn't afford a misunderstanding like that. Because she honestly wasn’t sure she could turn him away.

So she merely bade him goodnight and left for her room, where she locked her door and got ready for bed slowly and methodically, thinking about Ben and the way he'd kissed her, the way he might — no, _would_ — eventually fuck her.

So when she got beneath the blankets and pulled out her toy, she forewent the usual teasing and drove it home, gasping into the darkness.

She'd been teased enough for one night.

* * *

Rey woke late the next morning, finding Leia already up and dressed in a simple silk blouse and slacks that Leia would call “casual” but Rey thought were too nice for loungewear. She joined Rey in the kitchen and crossed her arms on the island as Rey poured herself a mug of coffee. “Han went to the shop to go over accounts with the manager. Ben’s out back.”

Rey glanced out the window and saw him on her bench swing. “Okay.”

“You’re sure you’re okay with him staying here?” Leia was watching her with those eyes that always saw too much.

“I’m sure.” Rey glanced out the window one last time before turning her back on it and stretching. “I’m gonna hit the punching bag for a while.”

She was halfway out of the room when Leia said, “Rey?”

The look on Leia’s face made Rey turn fully around. “Yes?”

Leia had an ability that Rey admired, where she could look both soft and stalwart at the same time. She used it just then as she said, “Please don’t hit my son again.”

Hot shame prickled across Rey’s skin. It was worse, somehow, coming from Leia. Worse than the clapping or Ben’s forgiveness or her own guilt. She looked into Leia’s eyes and saw the anger that the older woman was trying to bank; it terrified the orphan in Rey, the part of her that was afraid of being unloved and unwanted.

Rey swallowed the fear down, forcing herself to call up the memory of Leia telling her she wasn’t allowed to worry about things like that. “I-I won’t.”

“It upset me.”

Rey ducked her head to hide her tears. “It won’t happen again. I promise.”

Leia approached and reached up to brush the hair out of Rey’s wet eyes. “I love you both. No more violence. I mean it.”

Rey nodded, a sob tearing out of her, and let herself be drawn down to Leia’s shoulder. Leia rubbed her back as she cried, and Rey clung to the woman who’d been a mother to her this past year. She knew that Leia didn’t hate her, but the anger called to Rey’s worst fears.

She didn’t think she could survive another mother leaving her.

“It’s okay,” Leia whispered, voice soothing. “It’s okay, sweetheart. You’re okay.”

The patio door opened, and Rey jerked out of Leia’s embrace, hurriedly wiping at her wet cheeks.

“Rey?”

She turned away, uncomfortable with the worry in Ben’s voice, and tried to compose herself.

“Mom? What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Nothing to worry about,” Leia said smoothly. “More coffee?”

Rey glanced over to see Leia taking a black mug from Ben’s hand. Ben was looking at Rey, trying to catch her eye.

“I’m going to get changed,” she told Leia, avoiding Ben’s worried gaze.

Rey got her workout clothes on — a tank top, sports bra, and some old leggings — and put her hair up in a ponytail, and by the time she returned Ben was sitting at the kitchen table talking to his mother.

“I'll be in the garage,” she told them, and she could _feel_ his eyes on her as she grabbed her neglected coffee off the counter and retreated to the quiet of the garage.

Rey took a swig, just cool enough to gulp, and set the mug on Han's workbench over a pattern of old coffee rings.

She turned on the radio and taped her hands, then stretched her arms high over her head and fell into a boxer's crouch.

The movement felt good, warmth loosening her muscles as she progressed, but hitting the bag reminded her of hitting Ben which made her think about why she'd hit him in the first place.

Rey groaned and stopped for a more thorough stretch now that her muscles were warm. He'd deserved it, certainly, but she regretted it. It hadn't done anything for her anger, and now Leia… Rey fought back tears for a moment, but they were coming whether she wanted them or not, so she gave in and sat on the floor to have a good cry.

The tears didn't last more than a minute. When they tapered off, Rey wiped her face on her tank top and went inside for water.

Ben was alone at the breakfast table and looked up too fast to be casual when she entered. He had his reading glasses on, a book in his hands, and an uncertain expression on his face.

“Punching bag?” he asked, taking in her taped hands and workout clothes.

Rey nodded, casting a wary look his way as she uncapped a water from the fridge and drank. Was he going to assume that last night meant he could kiss her whenever he wanted? Or that they were okay now?

“Would you like some company?”

He tried to sound casual, but his tense shoulders gave his nerves away. Rey considered and started to decline — she'd tense up with him watching her — but her eyes fell to a familiar strip of caramel brown leather lying on the table beneath his book.

Unable to stop herself, she moved forward and pulled it toward her to get a better look.

“You… kept it,” she said, noting a smooth patch that hadn't been there before, as if it had been polished only in one small area.

“Of course.”

She looked up, and he looked as confused as she felt.

“But it's garbage,” she said. Literally garbage.

He reached out and drew it back, frowning at her. “It's the most valuable thing I own.” He picked it up and looked at it, his thumb rubbing absently across the smooth patch in a motion too natural to be something he hadn't done before. “If there were a fire and I could save one thing, it would be this.”

“Why?” she breathed, guessing the answer but needing to hear it.

He looked straight at her and said, “Because it's from you.”

She stepped hesitantly around to his chair and kissed him.

When she drew back, he gazed warmly up at her and murmured, “I love you.”

Rey wanted to cry. “I love you, too.” Ben's eyes lit up, and he reached for her, but Rey stopped him. “It doesn't fix anything.”

The joy in his eye dimmed only to be replaced by a flare of stubborn hope. “Let me enjoy it for a moment. Please.”

So Rey let him cup her face in his hands and draw her trembling mouth down to his. This kiss was tender where the ones last night had been hot, sweet where they'd been desperate. This was a kiss that could go on forever without ever needing to be anything more.

“God, I love you,” he whispered.

Rey settled onto his lap without even thinking about it, gripping him as they kissed as if he were the only thing keeping her upright.

A noise from the doorway brought Rey back to herself. She tore her lips away from Ben's with a gasp and scrambled off of him.

Leia grimaced sheepishly at them, obviously in the middle of trying to sneak back out of the room. She flapped a hand at them. “Don't mind me, carry on. I wasn't here.”

Ben sighed, sitting back and running a hand through his hair. “Too late now,” he grumbled.

Leia left anyway, and Rey grabbed her water, putting some distance between her and Ben.

“You can keep me company,” she finally said, looking at her water and not at him. Then she sent him a stern glare that was probably ruined by how hard her heart was pounding. “But _behave_.”

His lips only barely curved into a smile, but his eyes _gleamed_. “Yes, ma’am,” he said, and stood. And if Rey’s hips swayed a little bit as she led him into the garage, it was entirely against her will.

* * *

Rey on the punching bag was a beautiful sight. Her form was excellent, but it was her _ferocity_ which held him spellbound.

She paused to drink more water and glanced at him, gaze wary. Then her eyes dropped and widened, and she choked on her water. Still coughing, she asked, “Are you—?”

Ben didn’t glance down at his lap — he knew exactly how hard he was, could feel it aching inside his jeans. “It’s not something I have much control over.” He shrugged and leaned back on his hands. He’d never been self-conscious about his body, and while he might mind another woman staring at him the way Rey had, he _wanted_ Rey to see him. All of him. He wanted her to know the effect she had on him.

She blushed and looked away, tendrils of hair sticking to her sweaty brow and neck, her chest moving as she panted from exertion. “Jesus, Ben,” she muttered, setting her water aside and avoiding looking at him. She checked the tape on her hands and stretched her arms and shoulders, popping her modest chest out as she clasped her arms behind her and drew her shoulder blades together.

Ben made a helpless noise as he thought about following the sweat with his tongue down that tight sports bra.

Rey’s eyes flickered to him, her brows drawn together as she pulled one arm across her body and held it for a few seconds. “What is up with you?”

He arched a brow at her. _Seriously?_ She had to know that being covered in sweat in those clothes would affect him.

Didn’t she?

Her furrowed brow and blush when she dropped her eyes back to his hard-on said differently.

Ben took pity on her. “You’re gorgeous,” he said.

Rey’s eyes came back to his, expression skeptical. “I’m disgusting,” she countered.

His gaze traveled over her, and he swallowed. Best not to tell her all the things he wanted to do to her, all the things he wanted her to do to him. Mouths and hands, her working him until his cum splashed up under that tank top, staining her bra and those tight fucking leggings he wanted to peel off of her.

His dick throbbed and got harder, and his mouth worked for a moment before he could rasp out, “Watching you work out is apparently a turn on for me.” His sweaty, flushed, fierce soulmate.

“Oh,” she said, turning redder and looking away as she finished her stretching. “Sorry.”

“Don’t ever apologize for that.”

She shrugged without looking at him and went back to the punching bag. Ben was sitting on the floor where his dad usually parked The Falcon, watching.

“I was thinking,” she puffed, slowing her routine to talk to him. “We might not’ve been on a level playing field before—” She tossed him a brief warning glare as if _daring_ him to gloat that she’d conceded the point. “—but we weren’t nothing. And you had no right to keep me in the dark.”

“Agreed,” he said carefully, and she shot him another warning glance.

“So I was thinking,” she said, huffing as she gave the bag a sharp jab followed by an uppercut that made him wince in sympathy. Rey’s face was flushed, her expression determined. “You could tell me what was going through your head back then. All the things you hid.”

Ben considered. “You’re not going to like all of it.”

Rey stopped to catch her breath and get more water. She eyed him over the mouth of her water bottle. “Better than not knowing.”

He nodded and swallowed. “Okay. But you have to do the same.”

She looked away, and his stomach sank with her next words. “It was torture for me. For most of it.” She shrugged and turned around, setting her water back down. With her back to him, she said, “I thought I'd have to spend the rest of my life loving someone who didn't love me back.” She shook her head, her ponytail swishing, and rounded on the punching bag, slamming her fist into it with zero technique. “Do you have any _idea_ —?” She lifted a foot and kicked it so hard that the chain holding it to the ceiling creaked, and Ben winced.

His heart felt as bruised as her knuckles probably were. He got up and touched her back, holding his ground when she rounded on him with all of that rage and pain clear on her face. She gritted her teeth, tears in her eyes, and threw her arms around his waist to sob into his chest.

“I thought you didn’t want me. I thought you’d _never_ want me. I thought I’d have to watch you fall in love with someone else and start a family, and I’d have to murder her because you’re _mine_.”

No one had ever told Ben that his heart could break and swell with joy at the same time, or how terrifying an experience it would be. “I am yours,” he whispered shakily and kissed her hair.

Her sobs had begun to abate, though she still clung to him. “I thought I’d only ever get pity from you once you found out how desperately in love with you I was.” She sniffed, her voice muffled against his chest. “I was a kid, and you were… you were a man. You didn’t need me.”

“I needed you,” he assured her, rubbing her back and dropping more kisses onto her hair. “I needed you. Even if I hadn’t loved you, I would have needed you. You’re _you_. You’re my soulmate. You’re the bravest, strongest, cleverest person I’ve ever met.”

“That’s not true,” Rey said, pulling back slightly. “You’ve met Leia.”

He huffed a laugh but only kissed the tip of her reddened nose in reply. His mother was strong, but so was Rey. He honestly couldn’t say which of them was stronger. Perhaps his mother for now, but in a few years… who knew?

Unable to help himself, he kissed her cheek, and her nose, and her other cheek, until she laughed and pushed him away.

“I should have been more open,” he said, watching her as she untaped her hands. “I’m sorry you ever had to go through that.”

She frowned and glanced up at him. “I didn't _have_ to go through it. That's kind of the point.”

He raked a hand through his hair. “I know. I didn't mean — I only mean that I'm sorry I made you go through it. If I'd been honest, you wouldn’t have worried about me finding someone else, and you would never have kissed me and… maybe I would have had to leave, but on better terms. Without hurting you as much.”

She lifted her face, serious and intent. “It still would have hurt me.”

Ben nodded. “Yes, but — correct me if I'm wrong — it would have made a difference if I'd prepared you for the possibility. If you'd known that at some point I might have to remove myself, and why.” If only they’d sparked a year or two later. It wasn’t the first time he’d lamented the timing of it all, and he suspected it wouldn’t be the last.

Rey went back to untaping her hands, but her frown persisted. “How would you have told me?”

He took a deep breath and looked at the sturdy old punching bag. “I'm not sure. I suppose I could have told you when you asked if I was gay.”

Rey snorted, and he sent her an amused smile.

Still with that little smile, he said, “That was mortifying, by the way. Being asked by the only girl I wanted to fuck if I liked men.”

Rey shifted, her color deepening. She licked her lips — on purpose or was she just nervous? — and her voice was low when she asked, “Did you ever imagine it?”

His breathing picked up. “No,” he said, swallowing. “I wouldn't let myself — you were _sixteen_ — but I, ah, found that my… _tastes_ had changed after we sparked.”

She looked up at him, eyes narrowed. “And what was your taste before?”

He blinked and had to bite back a smile. Her tone had been a little too sharp, a little too possessive. “I wasn't too particular before we sparked. After, I only ever noticed athletic brunettes. With freckles.”

She looked away, her cheeks reddening. “Did you imagine yourself with _them_?”

He hesitated, and she looked at him again, eyes wide and hurt. She was getting the wrong impression, so he hurried to correct it even though the truth was not something he felt proud of. “When I watched certain… certain _videos_ , I would imagine it. They were a stopgap because I didn't think of you like that, Rey. I wouldn't _let_ myself. Not until you kissed me, and then I couldn't _stop_ thinking about you like that.” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, loathe to tell her the sordid details of what he’d done to himself again and again that same night, thinking of her, the dam blown wide open.

While she’d been crying in his mother’s arms.

He still felt dirty and guilty when he thought of it.

Ashamed.

He licked his lips to wet them and tried to interpret her posture. “I assume you want to go over things in more detail,” he murmured. “And there were a few things underlying my choices back then, but the main one was fear. I was too turned around to think straight, or to see what you were going through. I fooled myself into thinking you were okay because I was scared. I…” he shifted his jaw and looked away, taking a breath to steady his suddenly pounding heart. “Snoke did a number on me, Rey,” he said, meeting her eyes again. “He never touched me, but he fucked my head up. I was afraid of… of molesting you.” His voice broke, and he needed to take another gulp of air to get through it, but his words came faster until he was almost gasping them. “I didn’t want to be like him, I didn’t want to hurt you like that. It was _imperative_ that I not hurt you like that. I’d fucking die if I did. I swear to God, Rey, I’d fucking _die_.”

He didn’t realize he was crying until her hands came up to cup his face and she shushed him. She pulled him down, cradling his head against the crook of her shoulder the way his mother used to when he was a kid, and stroked his hair. She murmured reassurances to him and let him cling to her until his breathing steadied and the tears dried and the panic receded.

“You didn’t,” she whispered over and over. “You didn’t do it. I’m fine. It’s okay. You’re okay, Ben. It’s okay.”

He took a shaky breath and straightened, wiping lingering tears away. “Sorry.”

His fierce girl, his woman warrior, glared up at him. “Don’t _ever_ apologize for your trauma. Not to me.”

He cupped her jaw, feeling wrung out. “I love you.”

Her hand covered his. “I love you, too.”

He moved his thumb to catch against her bottom lip. “Please,” he murmured, chest sore and hollow. “I’m trusting you to know what you’re ready for, to not push yourself for my sake. I want you, of course I want you, but I need _you_ to be sure. I need you to understand how important it is for you to be ready before—”

She squeezed his hand, eyes soft. “I understand.”

He nodded and let out a breath, feeling unsteady. “Okay. Okay, good. Thank you.” He released her, and she brushed some hair out of his face, finger-combing it back. The touch made his eyes close and his body relax.

“Do you want to get some waffles?” she asked. When he looked at her, she tipped her head to one side and shrugged. “They always makes me feel better.”

He usually spent time on the punching bag when he felt like this, or out for a run, but going for waffles with Rey sounded infinitely better. “Sure.”

She smiled. “Okay. Let me grab a quick shower first.”

They started toward the door, but she paused on the stairs and looked over her shoulder at him when he said, “Rey?” He hesitated, but he needed to know. “Why were you crying earlier?”

Her smile melted away. “Your mom asked me not to hit you again.”

He frowned. “And that made you cry?”

She opened her mouth and closed it. Hesitantly said, “She was angry.”

“What did she say?” His voice came out sharper than he’d intended, and it made her flinch.

“She didn’t… she wasn’t…” Rey sighed and plopped down onto the steps. Ben sat when she jerked her head at the spot beside her. “I could _tell_ she was angry. She didn’t say she was. She was completely reasonable, and it was completely fine. I just… I get afraid. When people get mad at me, I worry that they’re going to leave.” She looked him in the eye, her own big and soft and sad. “My parents, Maz, you. I’ve been left a lot, Ben.” She shrugged, her eyes filling, and he tugged her into a hug because he couldn’t go back in time and fix anything. No matter how much he wanted to.

She leaned against him. “I know it’s not rational,” she said quietly. “It’s just… always there, you know? This awful voice in the back of my mind telling me I’m not good enough.” She sniffled and pulled away, giving him a watery smile. “I’m getting better at dealing with it.”

He nodded. “I have something like that, too,” he said softly.

She laced her fingers through his and pulled him up with her when she stood. “Come on,” she said with a more genuine smile. “Let’s go get waffles.”

* * *

Rey had first softened toward Ben because of all the kissing, she could admit that, but his breakdown in the garage had taken most of the venom out of her anger. She still had plenty of residual emotions to deal with, things like hurt and frustration and resentment that would give them more than enough to talk about, but, right now, she could sit across from him at a diner and not want to either throw coffee in his face or dry hump him, which had been her two reigning emotions for the past twenty-four hours.

She’d found a text from Lusica while still wrapped in a towel after her shower: _Anything yet?_

Rey had considered postponing her reply, but she’d smiled and shot off a quick, _We kissed._

_OMG YESSS! How was it? Is he good? How much tongue does he use? Is he handsy or a gentleman? He seems like a gentleman, but you KNOW I’m hoping handsy._

Rey had bitten her lip and grinned as she typed, _Well, I have a general estimate on size now._

_OMFG REY. DETAILS. NOW!!!_

_Can’t. Going out for breakfast._

_NOOOO! I hate you!!_

Rey had sent a _LOL_ back and got dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, finally turning her sound off because it was just a litany of _Ta-ding_ s as Lusica tried to pry more details out of her.

Rey didn’t plan on giving her friend a play-by-play, and she _definitely_ wasn’t going to tell her what Ben’s hard dick looked like pressed against his jeans — that was private — but she liked that she had someone who was excited about all the little milestones.

“Okay,” she said, dumping three packets of sugar into her coffee. Across from her, Ben raised his brows. “What was your first reaction when we sparked?”

“Honestly?” He sipped his coffee. “My first coherent thought was, ‘Oh shit.’”

“Teenage student?” she asked.

“Teenage student,” he agreed with a nod. “It was basically my worst nightmare, what with… you know.”

His expression tightened, and she reached out and brushed the backs of her fingers against his. The darkness in his eyes lightened, and he brushed back before drawing his hand away and wrapping it around his mug.

“It would have been better if we’d sparked later. During your senior year or after graduation. When you came home from college, even.”

Rey frowned at that, stirring her coffee with a little swizzle straw. “I wouldn’t have come home from college. No home to come back to.”

He frowned as well, sitting back. “I didn’t consider that.”

“If we hadn’t met when we did,” she said, working it out as she went, “I’d still be at Plutt’s. Or I’d have been moved into a different foster home, maybe in a different school district, and we’d never have met at all.”

His lips parted. “Shit. I hadn’t… _God_.” He covered his mouth with one hand. “I didn’t even realize.” When he looked up, she saw horror there. “We might have missed each other altogether.”

Gently, because he still looked troubled, she said, “Good thing we didn’t.”

He nodded, his posture easing minimally even though his brows still had a crease between them. “Right.”

“I always liked to imagine meeting you when you were my age.” She shrugged at his surprised look. “I’d always be the same age, of course, since it was my imagination. But if we’d met around sixteen or seventeen, there wouldn’t have been any of that age awkwardness.”

Ben’s brows drew together, and he shook his head. “That would have been a disaster.” He looked at her with those big, serious brown eyes. “I was _not_ in a good place back then. I would’ve… Jesus.” He took a hand from his mug to run it anxiously through his hair. “Things would have been a _lot_ worse if we’d met then.”

“Oh,” Rey said in a small voice, feeling suddenly foolish about her daydreams.

“It took me over a decade to get to the mess I was when we met,” he added. “Sixteen and seventeen… that was right after Snoke. I was angry, violent. I got suspended a few times, and my mom had to hire a tutor just to get me through graduation. I was only _barely_ fit to interact with other people when I went to college, and even then I was an aggressive jackass.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Jesus, that would be a nightmare. I would have dragged you down with me, or you would have kicked my ass and left me.”

The picture he painted was very different from the sulky but sensitive boy she’d imagined. “Probably kicked your ass,” she said quietly, discomfited.

He gave her a wry smile. It stretched the bruise on his mouth. “Most likely, yes.”

She smiled back and looked down into her coffee, still feeling stupid. “I suppose we met at the best possible time, then.”

He nodded, and they drank their coffee in silence, dwelling on their own thoughts. Ben had a deep frown line between his brows when he asked, “Do you think it would have been better if you’d never met me?”

Rey’s eyes snapped up to his, horrified. “ _No!_ ”

He let out a breath and nodded, seeming relieved. “Okay. Good.”

She fought down the panic that wanted to choke her. “Do _you_?”

“No,” he said quickly, eyes wide. “No, I just… you’ve been through so much because of me.”

“I don’t wish I’d never met you. Not even a little bit. Don’t ever think that.” She was getting worked up, but she couldn’t stop it. “I love you. I mean, it hasn’t exactly been _smooth_ , but… I don’t wish we’d _never met_. You’re my fucking _soulmate_ , Ben.”

He reached over and touched her hand, and Rey realized she’d been getting louder until the people at the booth across from them looked over. “Okay,” he said, stroking the back of her hand soothingly with his thumb. “Okay.”

Rey looked at the salt and pepper to hide her wet eyes from curious strangers. “You’re a jackass, but you’re _my_ jackass,” she grumbled at him.

He laughed and released her hand. “Yes, I am.” Warmly, he added, “Always.”

They were quiet for a bit after that, and this time Rey was the one to break it. “So,” she said faux-casually. “About those two dates you went on.”

He gazed at her over his coffee. “Only if you tell me about yours.”

Rey's eyes widened. She'd started writing to him after her first and only date, but she'd never actually told him about it. It had been too much of a failure to rub his nose in.

“My mom told me,” he said, toying pensively with his napkin. Those dark eyes pinned her. “I almost came home right then. Even bought a ticket.”

“She must not have known how poorly it went,” Rey said with a forced laugh. “Or you wouldn't have cared.”

“Oh, I care,” he said grimly. “I still want to track whomever it was down and rip his head off.”

Rey swallowed. “Look at you, using ‘whomever’ in a sentence,” she said lightly.

“Rey,” he growled.

“You start,” she said firmly, ignoring his posturing. “You had two, so tell me about one of them.”

He sighed and took a sip of coffee while he thought. “Okay. The first was a nursing major. Sarah. We had an acquaintance in common. The date itself was horrible — stilted, awkward, and she talked almost exclusively about herself and how hard her classes were. She didn’t have a lot of time to socialize or date or anything, so she told me point-blank at the end that it wasn’t going to work out and I shouldn’t bother walking her home.”

She sounded like a bitch, which made Rey feel a little better. “What did she look like?”

He raised a brow at her but obliged. “Average height. Curly blonde hair.”

“And the other one?”

He gave her a look which channeled Teacher Ben so perfectly that Rey almost felt like she was back in his classroom. “I think it’s your turn.”

She bit her lip, trapped by the pressing need to know what kind of women had caught his eye. Had they been prettier than her? More fashionable? Curvier? Nicer? Did they laugh at his jokes? Had he _made_ jokes? She knew it was insecurity that made her say, “Please?”

He sighed and folded his arms on the table. “Second one was Claire. She was a foot shorter than me and had really long brown hair. Sarah had insisted on splitting the bill when we went out, but Claire expected me to pay, which…” He shrugged. “That’s the traditional arrangement, and it’s not like I couldn’t afford it.” He ran a hand through his hair, and Rey’s stomach clenched. How much had he liked Claire? “I walked her home, said I’d call her, and she gave me one of those fake smiles and went inside.”

“Did you call her?”

He shook his head. “It was pretty obvious she didn’t want me to. She pretended not to see me on campus after that, so I just went along with it. Acted like she didn’t exist. It was more awkward than being adults and just facing that we’d had a date and it hadn’t worked, but it was… easier. For the short term.”

“Were you very disappointed it didn’t work out?” Rey looked at her coffee, not wanting to see what expression might cross his face.

Ben apparently didn’t like that, because he reached out and tipped her chin up until she was looking at him. “Rey,” he said very seriously. “If you’re asking if I’m sorry those women aren’t in my life anymore, the answer is no. The only disappointment I felt had to do with not finding what I was looking for in them.” He released her chin and leaned back, shaking his head as he glanced around the diner for their server. “I wanted companionship, connection, understanding. I wasn’t going to get that with them.” He looked back at her. “It was disappointing enough that I stopped trying after that. Which is a stupid thing to do — two bad dates doesn’t mean I’m undatable, but that’s how it felt at the time.” He made a face. “I was way too ready to settle for the worst interpretation of everything.”

“Unlike now?” she asked, cocking a teasing brow at him.

He smiled, then glanced away. “This is going to sound corny—”

“Corn away,” she replied, setting her elbows on the table and her chin on her fists.

He flicked her a wry smile and then sighed. “You’ve brought… hope… into my life in a way I’ve never had before.” He glanced at her, his cheeks turning the slightest bit pink. “I don’t think I’ve ever been happy. Maybe for a while when I was a kid, but… and I’m not trying to be weird and say you’re the only thing in the world that could ever make me happy, because that’d be a lot of fucking pressure. But.” His eyes shone, and a smile grew as he spoke. “I’m in love.”

Rey’s throat felt tight, and her eyes were wet, but she smiled back and tucked her bare ankle against his clothed one under the table. “I think I know what you mean.” Rey had been happy enough. Certainly happier than Ben had. She’d had friends and hopes and dreams and _plans_. She’d been working her way toward a better life. But this kind of love… changed things. Her life to that point hadn’t been awful, and it would have been a good life without him, but now it had more color, more depth.

And it wasn’t just because of Ben. It was Han and Leia, the uncles, even Wicket who’d given Rey the royal treatment every time they’d gone to his restaurant over the past year.

That gave Rey a wicked idea. As their food arrived, a Belgian waffle for her and a Mexican omelette for him, she casually suggested, “We should go to Wicket’s for our first date.” He stared at her long enough that she felt self-conscious and started to squirm in her seat.

“Sorry,” he said, nodding absently at the waitress as she promised to return and refill their coffee. “My brain short-circuited at the word ‘date.’” He spread his napkin neatly over his lap, picked up his utensils, and very politely inquired, “Are you insane?”

Rey drizzled syrup over her waffle. “Part of me still wants to punish you,” she said with a shrug, spreading butter into every waffle-dimple. “And Wicket’s would do that nicely.”

He raised a skeptical brow at her over his food. “Do you really think our first date should be planned with revenge in mind? That seems a bit counterproductive.”

Rey stuffed her mouth full of waffle and considered. He had a point. She didn’t really want to make their first date awful, just… she thought it would be fun to see Ben’s longsuffering response to Wicket.

But taking him with the intent to torture him would just make the whole experience fall flat. She wanted to take him to Wicket’s because she _liked_ Wicket and because he would be delighted to see Ben. Ben’s annoyance would be amusing, but only if he was actually pleased to be there with her and not forcing himself to suffer through it.

“Okay,” she said quietly, feeling small for having suggested it. “But we’ll have to go there at some point.” At his frown, she said, “Not for ‘revenge’ — Wicket will be happy to see you. And deep down, I’m willing to bet you’ll be happy to see him.” She gave him a pointed look, daring him to contradict it.

Ben grunted and cut a bite-sized piece off of his omelette. “So long as it’s not some sort of weird punishment.” He glanced up, and Rey saw no humor there. “I can’t stop you if you want to be vindictive, but I’m not going to sit back and take it. I’ve spent enough of my life thinking I’m not good enough.”

Rey tore her eyes from his and grabbed her coffee as the segment of waffle she’d already eaten churned in her stomach. The thought of choking down the rest suddenly made her queasy.

He was quiet for a moment before he softly asked, “Rey?” but she didn’t look up, just shook her head. His ankle hooked behind hers and he tugged, jerking her foot forward.

Rey did look up at him, then, and the tears spilled over. She looked quickly away.

“Talk to me, sweetheart.”

Her gut twisted tighter at the endearment. “Am I completely awful?”

“No,” he said immediately and with authority. “As someone who has been completely awful at various points in my life, you are absolutely _not_.”

“I’ve been a bitch to you.”

“It hasn’t been that bad,” he replied.

Rey fixed him with a look and dropped her gaze pointedly to the bruise on his mouth. “I punched you in the face.” She held up two fingers. “ _Twice._ ”

His eyes were too soft, too understanding. “It’s in the past.”

“It was _yesterday_ ,” she grumbled. She looked at the food in front of her and pushed it miserably away. “Can we get out of here?”

Ben flagged their waitress down and got the check, throwing some bills on the table and refusing to let Rey contribute. She tried to argue, but he ignored her protests and tugged her from the booth and out to the parking lot, holding her hand the whole way.

“Why do you think you’re awful?” he asked when they were safely ensconced in her car.

Rey rubbed at her wet cheeks with her palms. “Because I’m vindictive. And petty. And just… terrible.”

Ben looked at her long enough for Rey to think he wasn’t going to contradict her, and that made her feel even worse. But he finally shifted to face her, braced a hand on the seat by her shoulder, and said, “The difference between terrible people and _you_ is that when _you_ are called out on those things, you listen.”

She raised her tear-stained face to look at him and sniffled.

Ben ducked his head closer, intent. “Terrible people _don’t_. They just keep being vindictive and petty and selfish and cruel. You aren’t a cruel person, Rey. That’s not you. You’re _angry_ , yes, but you’re not cruel.”

She sniffled again and nodded, processing. His words made sense, but shreds of fear and inadequacy floated around her like seaweed trying to tangle her limbs and pull her down. She knew from experience that she would feel better tomorrow, but it wasn’t even lunchtime yet, so she had plenty of day left to get through.

She wanted to not think for a while. To not feel like every move she’d made since he got home had dragged her further and further down.

 _It’s in the past,_ he’d said. As if the past were that easy to forget.

She thought about what he’d done, about what he’d hidden, what he’d put her through, and she just couldn’t muster the same amount of antipathy as before.

Ben interrupted her thoughts. “I haven’t forgotten that you still owe me a story. I told you mine. So. Who do I have to kill?”

She couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, and she suspected that he wasn’t, not entirely. He genuinely wanted to hurt the boy she’d gone out with, even though she knew he wouldn’t.

It shouldn’t have made her happy, but it did.

Rey shifted against her seat and fastened her seatbelt before starting the car and pulling out of her spot. “Well, all the boys at school knew about the incident with Thomas and wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole.”

Ben snorted and crossed his arms, leaning back as he listened. “Good.”

Rey sent him a brief glare, then looked both ways before turning onto the road. “The boys _outside_ of school just weren’t interested.”

“Clearly not all of them,” he murmured, and she felt his eyes on her.

She inclined her head, glad for the excuse driving gave to avoid his gaze. “I was working at the ice cream stand on Elm—”

He nodded. Of course he’d know it if he grew up here.

“—and this one guy came around sometimes.”

“Were you attracted to him?” he asked abruptly, biting off the words.

She glanced over when traffic allowed and saw him glaring out his window. “I thought I could be.”

His jaw worked, which was all she had time to see before she had to look back at the road. “What does _that_ mean?”

“It means he was cute, and I thought… I don’t know. Maybe he could help me forget.”

“Forget me,” he said, and Rey flinched.

“Forget my pain,” she corrected softly. He had nothing to say to that, apparently. Rey wasn’t done feeling like dirt, though, because she needed him to know the truth. “I said yes to him because I wanted to hurt you.”

A huff of breath, but she couldn’t interpret it without looking at him and the traffic was too busy for that. His reply was soft. “You did.”

 _Fuck._ She had to pull over, couldn’t keep driving with tears blinding her. She turned into a parking lot for a fast food place and went to the furthest corner, affording them a bit of privacy. She put the car in park and swiped at her eyes. Her voice was thick when she said, “If it makes you feel any better, it went about as bad as yours did.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, his arms still folded across his chest. When he spoke next, his voice was more neutral. “What did you do?”

“Pizza and a crappy movie.” She shrugged. “He tried, I guess, it just… it was all wrong. _He_ was wrong.”

“How?”

“You know how.”

His brows lowered and he stared at her, not letting her weasel away from the truth. “Say it.”

“He wasn’t you.”

His silence consumed the car, but she could tell her answer had satisfied him. “Did he touch you?” he asked quietly.

She shook her head. “I was going to let him kiss me, but… I couldn’t go through with it.” She shrugged and glanced reluctantly his way. “He wasn’t you,” she repeated in a miserable whisper.

Ben unbuckled his seatbelt, and that plus the determined way he was looking at her sent a flutter through her stomach.

“Ben?”

He unbuckled her seatbelt and tugged, urging her over the center console until she was in his lap, her hands flat against his chest.

“Ben, we’re… we’re in public,” she gasped.

“Tell me to stop, and I’ll stop,” he rumbled, one hand fisting in her hair and tugging her head back to lavish kisses along her throat. “I need to stake my claim, Rey. I _need_ it.”

His kisses were leaving her lightheaded, but she managed to get out, “H-how exactly do you plan to do that?”

In answer, he covered her mouth with his, tongue tracing the seam of her lips and demanding entry. Rey let him in and moaned when his hand tightened in her hair, his other hand on her waist. She was on his lap, but there wasn’t enough room for either of them to grind against the other, so she could only shift deliriously, losing track of time as they spiraled further and further into each other.

Someone thumped her trunk, and she jumped, looking out to see a pair of teenage boys laughing and looking back at them as they walked toward the fast food place.

Both of Ben’s hands were on her waist now, and she thought it was only her physical presence on top of him that kept him from getting out of the car to murder the boys.

She buried her face in his neck, blushing at being caught. “Let’s go home,” she murmured, and his tense body relaxed a fraction beneath her. He looked less homicidal when she peeked up at him.

He kissed her again, then let her go. “Okay.”


	33. First Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[[Clean Version](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/178677983940/clean-version-soul-searching-ch-33)]**
> 
> [Here](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/178492800870/in-soul-searching-what-were-bens-birthdays-like) is a short snippet of Ben's birthday in Sweden.

When they got home, Rey wanted to pick up where they’d left off in her car, but Leia’s presence in the house put a pin in that. Ben went to change, saying he was going to take a turn on the punching bag. “I have some aggression I need to work out,” he’d said. He let her know she was welcome to join, but Rey had about twenty texts she needed to take care of. Lusica was responsible for most of them, but her other friends had also checked in, so Rey spent the better part of an hour assuring everyone she was fine.

Finn, in particular, was worried about her, so she told him she’d gone out to breakfast with Ben and that things were okay.

Rey shared a different aspect of the day with Lusica.

_We made out in my car._

_SO jealous. Details?_

_Told him about that date I went on, and he just went for it._ She blushed and bit her lip on a smile.

_That’s really hot._

Rey blushed and hid her face for a second, grinning. It _had_ been hot. He hadn’t even let his hands wander, had only used his mouth, and it had still been the most erotic experience of her life.

She heard Ben in the hall when she was making tentative plans to get together next week with Rose and Paige, so she left her phone and poked her head out of her room. “Hey,” she said when she spotted him, and it took the same amount of time for him to stop and turn for her brain to catch up.

He was shirtless.

_Holy…_

His weight loss was more obvious this way, and she was surprised to see that he’d lost muscle definition as well. She supposed he hadn’t hit the gym as often in Sweden as he had here.

He was still huge, though, and the sight of his face and neck smoothly connecting to that broad chest made her swallow and then flush.

“Okay, good talk, bye,” she said, and shut her door.

A moment later, Ben rapped lightly on the other side. When she peeked out, red-faced and determined to keep her eyes on his face rather than his chest, he smiled bemusedly at her. “Is everything… okay?”

“Yeah,” she said. “Fine.”

“It’s just… last night, y—”

Rey covered his mouth with her hand and poked her head around the doorframe. The last thing she needed was for Leia to hear the words “last night” and get the wrong idea. Rey grabbed his bicep and pulled him inside, shutting the door quietly behind them and leaning against it with a sigh of relief. “You cannot say things like that where your mom can hear,” she hissed.

“My mom is upstairs,” he said with a quirk of his brow, and Rey realized exactly how stupid it had been to drag him half-naked into her room.

“Your voice carries,” she said absently, focused on his chest because, yes, that was sweat covering it.

“I’m just confused,” he said slowly, watching her, “because you weren’t this shy last night. Or, you know… today.”

Rey backed against the door, feeling cornered even though he hadn’t moved in her direction. This was a bad idea. Having him in her bedroom, shirtless and sweaty, reminding her of all the things they’d done. This was a _really_ bad idea.

She still wasn’t over the kissing they’d done in her car.

Her breath started to come faster, and she closed her eyes, holding back the urge to maul him.

“Okay,” Ben said softly, and her eyes opened and focused. “I’m going to go get dressed. But I need you to move from in front of the door, Rey. Can you do that?”

She nodded wordlessly and stepped to the side, practically panting now.

He cupped her cheek and pressed his forehead against hers as he gripped the door handle, and she noticed that his knuckles on the handle went white even though he didn’t give off any other signs of tension. “There’s no rush. Okay?”

She nodded again, eyes closing. She felt the air stir as he opened her door, stepped out, and closed it behind him.

It was only when his footsteps receded down the hall that she slumped against the wall and tried to get hold of herself. She would _not_ be pulling him into her bedroom like that again anytime soon.

That had been stupid.

She took deep breaths, focusing on calming her heartbeat, and decided that food and gardening would help get her mind out of the gutter.

She hoped.

* * *

“So,” Ben said as he sat beside Rey’s garden plot after lunch and watched her weed. He’d tried to help, but he’d been so inept that she’d made him stop. “A… date. When did you think something like that might happen?”

Rey sent him an amused glance that meant he wasn’t fooling anyone. “When would you like for it to happen?”

He swallowed. “Tonight? Now? Yesterday?”

She laughed softly, and he didn’t think he was imagining that her face had turned pink. “Tonight works.”

“Okay. Anything you particularly want to do?”

She reached forward, under a bush, and plucked a few small seedlings that had taken root. The motion presented her ass, and he couldn’t help admiring the way her shorts hugged the high tight curves.

He’d masturbated after leaving her room, barely even shutting himself inside his own before yanking his pants open and taking himself out. He’d leaned his head back against his door and jerked his hips into his hand, the way she’d looked at him having left him so primed that he barely needed any stimulation at all to explode all over himself.

He’d cleaned off in the shower, the water starting to cool by the time thoughts of Rey got his dick twitching again. She’d squirmed so beautifully on his lap in the car. Would she squirm like that when he took her? Would she beg? Or would she force him to service her before she allowed him to slide into her slick wet heat?

He found he didn’t mind the thought of a little deprivation, so long as it wasn’t for the wrong reasons.

“We could get ice cream,” she said, snapping him out of his pants-tightening reverie. “Head to a park and wander around a bit. No need to make it some big ordeal.”

“Low pressure,” he said, nodding. “I like that.”

She crawled forward and grabbed another few weedlings, gently brushing the leaves of her flowers aside to check underneath. “Stop staring at my ass,” she murmured, tossing a heavy-lidded glance over her shoulder that made his blood heat.

“You have a really cute ass,” he countered, leaning back on his hands. But he stopped looking at it. He _thought_ she was flirting, but he didn’t want to push his luck.

She rolled her eyes and kept weeding, and he remembered that yesterday was (apparently) the first time he’d ever told her she was beautiful.

And that had been right in front of his mother, so… it maybe didn’t count.

He stretched one leg out, knee popping. “Even if we weren’t soulmates, I’d find you beautiful.”

Rey froze and slowly pulled out of the flower bed to sit on her heels. She looked skeptical. “Seriously?”

He took a deep breath and looked around the yard, searching for words. “I’m not poetic,” he said with a slight shrug. “Or romantic. I’m not any good at comparing body parts to… nature shit. I’m not a flowers and chocolates and pretty words type.”

“And yet you wrote a book?” she asked with a slight smile. It didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“A shitty book,” he reminded her, then shook his head. “I’m not going to compare you to flowers or stars or the sun or moon because you _aren’t_ those things.” He gestured dismissively to the flowers in her garden. “A stiff _breeze_ could take these fuckers out. You’ve survived hurricanes.” He gestured at the sky, where a few clouds drifted lazily across the blue. “Stars are distant and cold, the moon is some idiotic ideal, and the sun…” He dropped his hand and shook his head. “Everyone calls the sun warm and cheery, but it just sits up in the sky, bright and untouchable, looking down on everything below. That’s not you.” Her eyes widened slightly, and he sat up and laid his palm flat on the grass. “You’re bright and warm, but you’re practical and down-to-earth, and that’s not the sun. The sun is untouchable. You’re…” and he knew, right then, what Rey was. “You’re fire.” Her lips parted, but he couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out. “You _blaze_ with life. You’re not the sun because sometimes… sometimes you’re an inferno. You’re more dangerous, more immediate, than the sun could ever be. You’re a force of nature. I _love_ that about you.”

She stared at him, her cheeks red and eyes bright, and then she huffed and mumbled, “And you say you’re not a poet.”

He shook his head. He wasn’t. “I’m not.”

She shook her head as if she didn’t agree but turned back to her garden plot and started hunting for more weeds. “I guess it’s okay if you look at my ass,” she said mildly, diffusing the strange tension that had built in the air.

Ben laughed. “That’s not what I was going for with that.”

“I know,” she said, looking at him over her shoulder and wiggling the ass in question. “But you deserve _something_ for that speech.”

He laughed again.

“So,” she said after shifting to a different section to check for weeds. “If I’m fire, what are you?”

Ben considered. “Nitroglycerin. Volatile, explosive, and difficult to handle.”

Rey sat back and looked at him. “Hmm.” She shook her head. “No, I don’t see it. Maybe you used to be, but you’re way too stable now.” She plucked a seedling from under the protective cover of a broad green leaf.

“Okay,” he said, conceding the point. “What would you call me, then?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “Maybe… a bear trap? Big, solid, ready to snap someone’s ankle if they step on the wrong pressure point, but otherwise sturdy and reliable.”

“You think I’m reliable?” He’d been under the impression she thought him flighty and capricious.

She shrugged. “You have been in the past. Sudden trip across the world aside, you’ve been there when you said you would.” She shot him a thin-lipped glance when she referenced his leaving, but her expression softened when she spoke of _before_. He’d noticed that. She talked about that time as if it had been special to her.

Rey yanked up a few more weeds, then pulled her gardening gloves off and dusted dirt from her knees. “If we’re going out later, I need to call in reinforcements.”

Ben raised a brow, apprehensive. “Sorry?”

“It’s a girl thing.” As if that explained anything. Then she leaned over and kissed his cheek, and he stopped caring about what “reinforcements” meant.

He really should have asked more questions, he realized an hour later when the doorbell rang and Rey ran to get it.

A gaggle of overlapping voices made him suddenly wish he’d decided to read in his room instead of on the couch while his mother answered emails on her phone.

“Hi, girls,” Leia called when the group appeared.

Most of them said hi back, but Lusica Stynnix threw her arms into the air and cried, “Ben!”

Ben looked at Rey over his reading glasses. She was smiling, but her eyes were sympathetic. “I was really hoping you were joking about that,” he said, pointing to Lusica.

“No,” Rey said. “Sorry.”

“Hi, Mr. Solo,” Kaydel Ko Connix said with a nervous smile.

Ben stood to greet her, setting his book aside and removing his glasses. He ignored Lusica’s whispering to Rey and held out a hand for Kaydel to shake. “No need to stand on formality. I’m not a teacher anymore.”

Kaydel ducked her head and shook his hand, “Okay, M— um, uh… yep.”

He smiled at that and put his hands in his pockets. Kaydel had always been one of his favorites. “It’s good to see you.”

She nodded awkwardly and scooted over to Rey and Lusica, letting Ben greet the Tico sisters. He was surprised that Rey would invite Paige Tico here, considering that she’d still been upset about his blunder from last year, but he greeted Paige politely before turning to Rose.

Who peered suspiciously up at him as she accepted his hand with a sturdy grip of her own. “If Rey is good with you, then I’m good with you,” she said, but when she let his hand go, she made the universal sign for “I’m watching you.”

Ben pressed his lips together to avoid laughing and caught Paige’s eye over her sister’s head as the girls started toward Rey’s room. She also seemed like she was trying not to laugh. He shook his head at her, and she nodded, and Ben realized that he could easily become friends with Paige Tico.

If only it wouldn’t make Rey insecure.

He sighed, deciding Rey was worth giving up a potential friend over, and sat back down once the girls — young women, he corrected himself — were out of the room.

Only to find his mother watching him with a bemused smile on her face. “What’s all that about?”

He flushed and grabbed his glasses, eager to not meet his mother’s eye. “We’re going for ice cream later.”

His mother’s bemusement deepened. “You went for breakfast earlier. Why does ice cream require four of her friends?”

He toyed with his bookmark, rubbing his thumb across it out of habit. He did _not_ want to be having this conversation with his mother, so he sort of mumbled his answer. “It’s our first official date.”

“ _Oh_ ,” his mother said, and there was a _lot_ packed into that oh. Surprise, pleasure, caution, delight, and maybe a hint of hope that this would lead to wedding bells and grandchildren, because he knew his mom. She’d never say it, would consider it too meddlesome, but he knew she wanted Rey as a daughter-in-law more than anything.

“I’ll take your father out for dinner, then. Give you kids some space.”

Ben nodded as neutrally as possible, not looking up. “Okay.”

“Do you want help picking out what to wear?”

He sent her an unimpressed look. “I’m an adult. I can dress myself.”

“Okay,” she said as if she disagreed.

Ben hadn’t even planned on changing clothes, but he went to his room, passing an ominous amount of giggling coming from Rey’s, and looked at his clean laundry.

He kept looking, drawing a blank.

He gave up and returned to the living room. “Okay,” he said testily to his mother. “What is wrong with what I’m wearing now?”

“Your jeans are dirty,” she said without looking up from her phone.

Ben looked down and, yes, he’d gotten a grass stain trying to help Rey weed.

He let out a beleaguered sigh and choked down his pride. “ _Fine_. You can help.” And stomped back to his room feeling like he’d never grown up at all.

* * *

“So, does ‘general estimate’ mean you _saw_ it or _felt_ it?”

Rey widened her eyes at her friend. “Luce,” she said in a strangled voice, “your whispering is _not_ that quiet.”

Lusica rolled her eyes. “But did you?”

Rey sighed. “Neither,” she hissed, blushing.

A beat of silence. “That’s not possible.” When Rey glowered at her, she went on. “You can’t have a ‘general estimate on size’ and not have either seen or felt it, it doesn’t work that way.”

“That’s why it’s just an estimate. Now shut up.”

“But how did you come up with the estimate?”

Rey turned bright red. “None of your business.”

Lusica flopped back on the bed. “Oh my God, you suck.”

“What about this one?” Kaydel asked, pulling a black wrap dress out of Rey’s closet. It was longer in the back than in front, and the neckline plunged deeper than her sundress for graduation had. She’d gotten it for the few times she went to _really_ nice restaurants with Leia.

“A little too mature for ice cream,” Paige said, her feet tucked up under her on the bed. “What do you want your clothes to say?” she asked Rey.

Lusica pushed herself up on her elbows. “Come take me now, you big sexy beast of a man?”

Rey rolled her eyes. “ _Not_ that.”

“A _little bit_ that,” Lusica countered firmly. “It’s a date, not a bat mitzvah, you want to hint at the goods.”

“Fine. A little bit sexy, but mostly summery and… I don’t know. Light? Pretty?” She examined the high-necked yellow halter dress Kaydel held up next and shook her head. That only barely made her look her age.

Lusica nodded thoughtfully. “What about ‘sexy virgin’? Something that will make him _want_ to put his hands on you while sending off clear signals that _you’re_ the one in control of whether he gets to.”

Rey turned a frown on her. “That is incredibly specific.”

Lusica only rolled her eyes and hopped off the bed. “You remember that white sundress I made you buy a couple months ago? You never wore it, but I know it’s in here somewhere.”

Rey’s closet had slowly filled enough that things could get lost in the back, and sure enough, after a significant amount of coat hangers clinking, Lusica emerged with a dress Rey had completely forgotten she owned.

The others nodded their approval, and Rey smiled.

“Perfect.”

* * *

Ben decided he _hated_ dates as he waited for Rey and her cohorts to finish whatever evil machinations they’d been plotting in her room.

Not only had he subjected himself to his mother’s fashion sense, but he suspected he would have to leave with Rey while his mother and Rey’s friends all watched.

Which was not helping his nerves.

At all.

So he was already irritated by the time he heard her door open. The giggling intensified, and his mom, who had made him change into khakis and a button-up even though he thought that was overdressed for what was supposed to be a casual outing, got up with her phone ready for pictures.

Rey’s friends piled into the room, and Ben glanced up at them, stone-faced. He refused to show weakness in front of this pack of young women, sure they’d pounce like jackals if he so much as flinched.

“Stand up,” his mother urged, waving him up.

He sighed and set his book aside and his glasses on top of it. He did not want to stand up.

But he did.

And then Rey walked in, and he wished he could sit back down.

Ben yanked his eyes off of her and scowled at the other women, who were all grinning at him. “Are you taking _video_?” he asked his mom.

“I am,” she replied cheerfully.

He couldn’t quite believe the amount of betrayal he was experiencing. “Stop.”

She didn’t lower her phone. “It’s my son’s first date, and I want a record of it.”

“It’s not my first date,” he replied, horrified.

“It’s the first one you’ve brought home,” she clarified.

He huffed at his mother. “I didn’t bring her home. She _lives_ here.”

“You know what I mean. Now move closer, I want to take some pictures.” His mother fiddled with her phone and he grudgingly stepped beside Rey, still not quite looking at her. “ _Smile_ ,” his mother ordered. “Goodness, Ben, you’re not at a funeral.”

Rey’s friends giggled, and even Paige Tico hid a smile behind her hand.

“It’s about to be a murder scene,” he muttered.

Rey took his arm, and he tried not to jump out of his skin.

She was _touching him_. In front of _people_. Looking like… like… _that_.

He was sure the photos his mother took would show a stiff, panicky look on his face, and he did not appreciate there being evidence of his intense discomfort.

“Okay,” Rey laughed after his mother had taken at least twenty snapshots. Rey grabbed a large purse and motioned for him to follow. “We’ll be back,” she told Leia over her shoulder.

Lusica Stynnix swatted Rey on the ass as she passed. “Go get ‘em, tiger!”

Shock cracked Ben’s impassive mask, and he stared at Lusica.

Who grinned and shrugged like it was no big deal. “Sorry.”

He followed Rey out and climbed into her car, waiting until she was in and buckled to ask, “Has she ever come on to you?”

Rey cast him an amused glance. “Luce?”

He nodded.

“No,” she said simply, turning the key in the ignition. “But she did let me know she was available if we ever wanted a threesome.”

Ben had no idea what to say to that, so he just looked blankly at Rey until she glanced over and burst out laughing.

“Oh my God, your face.” She grinned and pulled out of his parents’ driveway. “Don’t worry, I told her no. I’m not into girls, and…” She shrugged lightly. “I don’t like the idea of sharing you.”

His lips parted, and he watched her flick her turn signal on. “Oh.”

She tossed him a smile, and he realized she was nervous, too.

“You look really nice,” he said, then felt stupid because that was an understatement. She was beautiful.

True, she was always beautiful, but that dress… he’d never thought he cared about dresses, but this one… pure white, with a scalloped neckline that hugged her modest curves. Her breasts were further outlined by a latticework gap underneath, like a seam someone hadn’t fully closed. The effect cupped them like a bra or bikini top, and Ben couldn’t top staring, hoping to catch a glimpse of something he shouldn’t.

Similar latticework lines ran at her waist like a belt and on the skirt at the knee, each one strategically revealing half an inch of skin. It was modest and simple yet feminine and sexy, and how the _fuck_ had they managed that?

One of her friends had put her hair up in an artfully messy bun, and she had a little makeup on. Not too much, but her lips were a different shade than normal and her eyelashes were darker.

She rode the line between casual date and hot date, and it made Ben thankful that his mother had prodded him into nicer clothes.

He clasped his hands between his knees and held his legs still by sheer force of will, refusing to give in to nerves.

* * *

Rey took him to the place she used to work. There was a park right behind it where she would often wait for her shift. It had a jogging path, a playground, and enough trees to obscure the road.

The ice cream stand itself was more of a shack, built with rustic wooden planks to fit aesthetically with the park behind it, but it was clean and well-maintained, the planks freshly stained and sealed every spring. Her old boss, Mr. Carter, had been very particular about that.

Rey didn’t recognize the girl working, but the girl recognized Ben.

“Mr. Solo?” Ben tore his gaze from the menu, and the girl beamed. “I was in your fifth period last year,” she said brightly. Ben’s expression went _too_ neutral as he nodded a greeting. They all stood awkwardly until the girl asked in a too chipper way, “So, what’ll it be?”

Rey ordered, and Ben followed suit. She watched him out of the corner of her eye, his posture stiff and lips pressed into a line.

When the girl turned her back on them to get their orders, Rey stepped into Ben’s space and hip-checked him.

He blinked down at her with a faint, bemused smile, and Rey stepped back to her spot.

The girl looked curiously at Rey when she handed over their ice cream, but she didn’t pry, just wished them a good day. Rey said, “You too!” and took Ben’s hand to tug him toward the park. He stiffened, but she didn’t let go.

Once they were away from the ice cream stand, he relaxed a little, adjusting his hand on hers so that their fingers laced together.

“You could have pretended to remember her,” she murmured, taking a lick of her caramel crunch cone.

“I did remember her,” he replied, shrugging. “Not her name, but she looked familiar.”

“And you couldn’t muster up a smile?”

He frowned down at her, proving that no, he couldn’t. “I don’t like running into old students.”

“You’re _dating_ an old student,” she pointed out.

“All the more reason to want to avoid the rest of them.”

Rey halted, forcing him to as well. “Are you afraid of what people think about us?”

He hesitated, and Rey released his hand, stung.

“No,” he said quickly. “It’s not…”

“Seriously? Mr. ‘Fuck Society’ is afraid to be seen with me?” Rey was embarrassed by how her voice went up at the end.

“It’s not like that,” he protested, reaching for her, but she pulled back.

Rey wanted to walk away from him and go cry somewhere, but she choked that urge down and clutched her ice cream in front of her, straightening her spine and lifting her chin. “Explain it to me, then.”

He took a deep breath. His eyes were on hers, and his mouth pressed and twisted. “People are going to look at us and _assume_ things. And those people are assholes, and they don’t matter, but… I need time to adjust to the fact that we’re going to get looks.” He gestured with his ice cream, scowling at it when it dripped onto his hand. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you,” he said grumpily. “Or that I’m ashamed of you or… or of _this_.” He gestured between the two of them. “People who think the worst can go to hell.”

He was trying to mop up the mess on his hand with the tiny napkin the ice cream girl had given him, but Rey stopped him by stepping forward to lick a dribble off the side of his thumb. She kept her eyes on his as she did and saw his pupils dilate, saw him swallow.

“Fuck,” he whispered.

Rey lowered her lashes and glanced up through them as she stepped casually back and licked at her own ice cream cone, catching a drip before it could reach her hand.

He cleared his throat and looked from her mouth to his hand and finally settled on her eyes. “Are… are we okay?”

Rey nodded, trying to work through how she felt. “Yeah. I think I kind of get it. Just so long as you don’t ignore me because of what other people might think.”

“No,” he said quickly.

She nodded and started walking.

Ben fell into step, still trying to clean his hand. He wound up following her lead and licking a lot of it off, but he was clearly disgruntled about it.

Rey watched him struggle. “Does that mean you don’t like public displays of affection?”

He cast her a wary glance. “Depends.”

She arched a challenging brow at him. “Holding hands in public?”

In answer, he offered the hand she’d held earlier.

Rey took it, lacing their fingers together. “What about holding hands in front of your old students?”

He grimaced. “I _can_.”

“But you don’t like to.”

He took a deep breath and let it out. “I can,” he said more firmly.

She nodded. “Kissing in public?”

“What kind of kissing?”

Rey lifted onto her toes, and he leaned down, letting her press her lips to his for a moment. She lingered a second more than was wholly appropriate before dropping down onto her heels.

Ben looked slightly dazed, still bent. When she looked at him expectantly, he said, “What was the question?”

Rey smiled. “I’ll take that as a yes.” She tugged his hand and started along the jogging path, licking her ice cream and swinging their joined hands gently between them. “What about making out in public?”

“Ah…” he said, wincing, and maybe he was thinking of the scene in her car earlier. Rey certainly was. “No.” He worked at his ice cream for a bit, casting glances her way between bites. Rey felt liquid warmth pool every time his eyes dropped to her modest cleavage. “I prefer to keep private things private.”

She nodded. “I can respect that.”

They walked almost to the playground on the far end of the park before Rey bumped her hip against him again.

He looked down with a small smile but only squeezed her fingers.

“Okay,” Rey said when they reached the playground and turned to wander back the way they’d come, “tell me something from before you left that I don’t know about. Something positive.”

“Something positive,” he mused, rubbing his thumb over her fingers and taking another bite of ice cream as he thought. “Okay. I don’t know how positive you’ll find this, but the reason I never put cake in your lunches, even though I knew you liked it, was that I didn’t want you moaning in the middle of a cafeteria full of adolescent boys.”

Rey half smiled and half frowned at him, then laughed. “What?”

“At Wicket’s, the cake. In The Falcon. You were moaning.” She gaped at him, and he nodded, his eyes wide. “It’s why I got out of the van.”

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” she said, flushing.

He shook his head. “I barely knew you at that point, and I wasn’t into sixteen-year-olds, so it wasn’t like I had a hard-on to hide or anything. It was just… there were some _very_ sexual noises coming out of you.”

She blushed furiously. “I’m _so_ sorry.”

He chuckled. “Seriously, don’t worry about it. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Ugh,” she said, still embarrassed.

Ben squeezed her hand. “Your turn. Something positive from back then.”

“Okay.” She licked her cone long and slow, thinking. “Okay, my seventeenth birthday, when we were in the air.”

He nodded, expression shuttering.

She blushed furiously and said, “I wasn’t airsick.”

He frowned at her.

“Okay.” She glanced around and lowered her voice. “When you have strong vibrations and apply them to a woman’s… down there?” She gestured, dipping her cone downward slightly, and he nodded, still frowning. “It can cause really intense… feelings.”

The line between his brows deepened. “So you…”

She nodded and moved closer to his side to murmur, “I wasn’t airsick. I was trying not to come.”

He stopped walking, his eyes wide. When he finally dragged a breath in, he let out an emphatic, “ _Oh._ ”

Rey blushed and ducked her head, and they continued walking. Ben still looked a little dazed.

“You fly with my dad, though,” he said, the frown returning.

“I figured out how to sit so it doesn’t get to me.”

“Huh.” Ben was silent as a jogger passed them, and then he said, “I want to take you flying now. Right now. Immediately.”

Rey threw her head back and laughed, and he smiled at her.

“I also want to feed you cake,” he added. “Maybe both at the same time.”

Rey laughed again. “Not tonight.”

He shook his head. “Christ. I can’t stop thinking about you coming in my plane. Imagining what you’d look like.”

Rey bumped her shoulder against his. “I’ll have to give you a preview sometime.”

He stopped walking. “Rey,” he growled, glancing around to make sure they were alone before pinning her with a glare. “There are _kids_ in this park.”

She smiled and murmured, “Mommy, what’s that in that man’s pants?”

“If I have to face a horde of angry mothers for this, I will throw you under the bus. Don’t think I won’t.” But he was smiling.

“It _is_ kind of my fault.”

His heavy gaze promised things that made Rey want to drag him behind a tree and start exploring. “It is entirely your fault.”

She smiled, and they continued on. “Is this a better date than your other two?”

He swallowed a bite and nodded. “By about a million. Although it’s been much more stressful than I expected.”

“How so?”

He shifted out of the way for a woman with a stroller. “Having an audience for our departure was probably the worst.”

Rey grinned. “Just be glad your dad wasn’t there. Imagine what he’d come up with to embarrass you.”

Ben groaned. “I don’t want to imagine.”

“We’ll have to ask him later.” She bumped her hip against his again.

Ben looked down at his hip. “Why do you keep doing that?”

Rey flexed her fingers in his and gripped his hand more firmly. “Because it makes you smile.” It was a small and bemused smile, yes, but still a smile.

It deepened at the corners, and he gave a thoughtful grunt. Then he lifted her hand and dropped a kiss on her knuckles. “I love you,” he said softly, lowering their hands again.

“You’ve been saying that a lot,” she said, giving her ice cream a long lick.

“Making up for lost time,” he replied, eyes following the motion of her tongue and darkening. The little smile continued to play on his mouth. “Why, did you want me to stop?”

Rey shook her head. “No.”

They walked further, past a bench with a small metal dedication plaque on it. The jogger from earlier passed them again, and Ben squeezed her hand and murmured, “You do look amazing, by the way.”

Rey beamed up at him, her heart fluttering in her chest. “You think so?”

He shrugged, and his cheeks turned pink. “You always do, just right now… particularly so?” He ended it like a question, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye.

Rey flushed with pleasure. “Thank you.” She bit into her cone. When her mouth was clear, she said, “Though I do _not_ always look good.”

“No, you do,” he said simply, not as if he was arguing or flirting, just as if he was stating a fact.

Rey blushed and walked a little closer beside him so that the back of her hand occasionally brushed against his leg and his occasionally brushed against her skirt. The slight breeze prickled against her flushed skin. “Tell me something else positive from back then.”

He gazed down at her, his eyes soft as they dipped thoughtfully to her dress. “I liked when you wore my old shirts.”

Rey’s brows rose, but she was immensely pleased. “Really?”

He nodded, opened his mouth, and glanced around. “I may not have wanted to have sex with you, but you wearing my clothes made me happy.”

Rey thought about that. “If you didn’t want to have sex with me, you wouldn’t have left.”

She could see him considering her words. “Let’s say… I did and I didn’t. Both. My body wanted one thing, but my mind wanted another. And my heart was… torn.” He looked down at her, serious and sure. _No longer torn,_ she thought. “Even if it had been better for you for me to stay, you deserved a soulmate who wasn’t… broken. And being with you back then would have broken me.”

Rey squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back.

He attended to another drip from his cone, then licked traces of ice cream from his lips. “I’ve always looked at the long term with you.” He shot her a solemn frown. “It was never about how I felt in the moment, it was always about what would make the best future. I never… I never _didn’t_ want a future with you. Does that make sense?”

Her heart was beating faster. “It does.” She guided him to a bench further down the path. “It still doesn’t mean you had any right to keep this all from me.” She looked up at him, and he nodded.

“I know. I thought it would be a disaster if I confessed all of this at the time.” They reached the bench and sat. “To be honest, I still suspect it would have been a disaster.”

Rey frowned up at him and opened her mouth, but he dropped a quick kiss on her lips, silencing her.

“I still should have told you. Even if everything went to hell, you deserved the chance to prove me wrong.”

“I’m not a monster, Ben,” she huffed, her ice cream neglected long enough that it started dripping over her hand. “I would have understood.”

“Of course. I don’t doubt that you would have.” He watched her lick the drips off her hand for a moment. “What I doubted was your impulse control.” Rey raised her head indignantly at that, but he hurried on before she could snap at him. “You were _sixteen_ , Rey. And it wasn’t just your control I doubted, it was also _mine_. If you had looked at me at all like you’ve been looking at me today, I wouldn’t have been able to hold out.” He drew his hand from hers to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. “You are completely impossible for me to resist.” Then he laced his fingers back through hers and sighed. “It would have been a shitstorm.”

“But it would have been _our_ shitstorm. Together.”

He nodded. “Yes.”

“You wouldn’t have been facing it alone.” It was important that he get that, because she suspected he still thought he’d taken the smartest path. Maybe not the _right_ path, but if he’d seen her as temptation rather than a partner back then, she could see how he would have concluded that keeping her ignorant was for the best.

Rey couldn’t say that she wouldn’t have cast him longing glances. She’d been pining while thinking it was hopeless. What would she have done if she’d known he was hers? She wouldn’t have seduced him, but… she thought her pining might have taken on new dimensions.

If she hadn’t had to hide that she loved him, how would things have played out?

She wanted to keep her voice nonchalant, but it came out breathy. “What would you have done if I’d told you I loved you? If I knew what was going on, and we were open with each other, and I told you I loved you.”

He took an unsteady breath, his dark eyes swallowed by the pupil. “I would have kissed you.”

Rey took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and bit her lip to hold back a whimper. “I wish your parents weren’t at home right now.”

“Mom’s taking Dad out for dinner. They ought to be gone soon.”

Rey’s eyes snapped open. “You’re kidding.”

He shook his head.

Rey pulled Ben to his feet. “Let’s go,” she said as she dropped her ice cream into a nearby trash can.

* * *

“What do you want to do to me in this dress?” Rey panted when Ben’s lips trailed down her throat. They’d been making out on his parents’ couch for the past half hour, and Rey’s underwear was wet enough that she worried it would seep through her dress.

“Rip it off,” he replied against her shoulder, planting an open-mouthed kiss there before working his way back up to her jaw. “Lick you.”

She throbbed between her legs at that and whimpered. “Where?”

He spoke into her ear, his warm breath making her shiver. “ _Everywhere._ ”

“Oh my God,” she gasped, her eyes rolling back in her head and hips squirming. They were sitting side-by-side, facing each other, so she had nothing to squirm _against_ , and it was killing her.

Ben kept kissing her, nipping her jaw and licking along her lips. One of his big hands had been tangled in her hair for the past few minutes, her bun having come undone right after they'd started, and Rey loved the way his hand tightened and sent little sparks across her scalp.

He’d kept his hands on her back or waist or hair, so she could only assume that it was an accident when he brushed the side of her breast.

The touch made her body light up, and Rey couldn’t stop a guttural moan from tearing out of her.

“You like that, sweetheart?” he demanded, worrying her earlobe with his teeth and shifting his body closer. “You want me to touch your tits?”

She whimpered and held herself steady with her arms around his neck, closing her eyes and dropping her head to the side to give him better access to her neck. “Yes.”

His hand in her hair tightened further, and she opened her eyes halfway to meet his. His jaw worked, his focus intense. “Beg me,” he demanded.

“ _Please_ ,” she whispered, too far gone for pride. “Please, Ben. Please touch me.”

He grazed her throat with his mouth, not quite touching, and she tried to get closer, tried to make him press his mouth against her properly, but he kept her head still with his grip in her hair and kept teasing. “Touch you where?”

She tried to twist closer to him. “ _Please._ ”

“Say it,” he hissed into her ear.

“Touch my… touch my tits,” she whispered.

“Hm,” he murmured against her throat. “I couldn’t quite hear you. Say that again?”

Annoyed and impatient, Rey grabbed his hair and growled, “Touch my goddamn tits, Benjamin.”

He laughed and released her, drawing back far enough to look at her neckline. Both of his hands settled on her waist, his thumbs rubbing across her ribcage, brushing faintly against the undersides of her breasts. “You’re so perfect,” he sighed.

Rey wiggled with impatience. “We’re not going to be alone in the house forever, Ben.”

He laughed again, then tugged at her. “Sit on my lap.”

Rey let him help her shift until her thighs were draped across his. He leaned back, hands returning to her waist, and caressed her sides.

Rey’s pulse fluttered, heartbeat in her ears. He was taking his time, savoring it, but she didn’t want to wait, she just _wanted_. She tried to grab his hand, but he just smiled and tugged her closer, sitting up until their noses were an inch apart.

“Look at me,” he murmured, waiting for her eyes to meet his before he carefully stroked one hand up her side and brushed the edge of her breast with his thumb, the motion maddeningly intentional and _not enough_.

She wriggled on his lap, and he shifted his hand so that this time his thumb caressed most of her breast, and she felt him shiver when his thumb passed the nub of her nipple, saw his eyes unfocus and his breathing stop.

Then he was kissing her again, his hand engulfing it, and he squeezed, kneading urgently at her flesh. Rey groaned into his mouth, and then she felt his fingertips brush her skin before tugging at her top, and Ben pulled back with a question in his eyes, his damaged mouth flushed red.

Rey grabbed her strap and tugged it down for him.

His eyes locked on her breast, and she _felt_ his groan. He closed his eyes, and then he leaned in and _licked it_.

Rey yelped, and he pulled away to grin up at her. Panting, Rey shifted until her knees were on either side of Ben’s hips, making his grin fall away when he realized what she was doing.

“Rey,” he said huskily, swallowing.

She drew her other strap down, and his eyes dropped to it, then flicked back up to her face as he leaned in and ran the tip of his tongue around her nipple. Without breaking eye contact, he extended his tongue and, barely touching, flicked it.

Rey’s hips jerked, and Ben gasped, hands dropping to her waist.

“Sweetheart,” he panted, hands tightening around her as she rocked against him again. “You’re going to make me come in my pants if you keep doing that.”

She kissed his neck, shifting until she felt his hard length against _just_ the right spot. “Good.”

He dropped his head back as if he couldn’t quite believe what was happening. “Rey,” he husked, eyes roving over her. “God, you’re gorgeous.” His hips lifted, and Rey gasped as he ground against her. “Fine,” he growled, jerking her closer. “If you want me to come, I’ll fucking come for you.” He covered her mouth with his and pinched her nipples. “But you’re coming, too.”

She moaned and rocked against him, gasping every time he jerked his hips into hers until they found a rhythm and were rutting against each other. Then she could only pant and hold onto his shoulders as he alternated between kissing her mouth and kissing her breasts.

“I’m close,” he grunted, trembling beneath her. The words speared straight to her clit, which only throbbed harder when he tugged a nipple into his mouth, sucking on it. He pressed her hips down as he rocked against her, and Rey nearly sobbed at how good it felt.

“Come for me,” she gasped, urging him on by increasing the pace of her grinding. She arched her back, thrusting her bare chest forward, and kissed his hair and face and throat, wherever she could reach. “Please, Ben. Please. I want to watch you come.”

“Fuck,” he gasped, pulling her face down so he could kiss her hard, the press of lips almost painful. He devoured her mouth, one hand in her hair and the other mauling her left breast, and then his hips took on a short, hard rhythm as he grunted and threw his head back, his eyes closed tight. “ _Fuck!_ ”

Rey slowed her movements to watch the way his mouth dropped open and his face tightened for several long seconds. As his body beneath her began to relax, he was panting, his heart thudding against her palm, and he opened his eyes to pin her with a heavy gaze.

“Keep going,” he said, dropping his hands to her hips and encouraging her to move. “Just keep going. God. I fucking love you.”

“Fucking love me or love fucking me?” she smirked, pleasure sparking with every undulation of her hips.

“This isn’t fucking,” he gasped.

“It's close.” She could barely form a sentence with his hands rubbing her breasts and plucking at her nipples, building the tension in her body higher.

“Yeah,” he said, almost as breathless as she was, his eyes riveted to her. “Close.”

Rey leaned forward to kiss him. “I want your fingers inside me later. After your parents go to bed. I want—” She groaned, biting her lip. “Fuck. Ben. You feel so good.”

He leaned forward, plucking harder and faster at her nipples. The ridge in his pants wasn’t as hard anymore, but she was so sensitive that it didn’t matter. “I’ll put my fingers inside you, Rey. Slide them into that pussy. Are you wet for me, sweetheart? Are you soaking through my pants right now? I’ll finger-fuck you until you scream, and then I’ll flip you over and do it again.” His breath was hot against her ear, his voice sending her higher. “I could do it right now, Rey. I could rip your panties in half and shove my hand up your pretty cunt—”

The image sent her over, and Rey came on top of him, her chin tucking down and mouth opening as she rode out the blinding waves of her orgasm.

When she opened her eyes, her body wrung out, she saw him staring at her in wonder. He reached up and cupped her cheek. “You’re so beautiful.”

She lay against his chest, sleepy, and let him tilt her head so he could kiss her. It was a sweet kiss, tender and searching. Rey hummed with contentment when it ended and nestled back into his embrace.

Ben played idly with the breast that wasn’t squashed against him, and Rey adjusted so he wouldn’t have to angle his hand awkwardly to get at it.

“It might just be the orgasm talking, but I meant what I said about later tonight. I want your fingers in me.”

His chest expanded suddenly as he sucked a breath. He adjusted her on top of him. “It’s good I don’t have a quick refractory period anymore, or that would have done it.”

Rey smiled against his chest and put her hand over his on her breast, encouraging him to knead harder. He might not have a quick refractory period, but _she_ felt fresh stirrings of arousal.

Ben caught his breath as she urged his hand into a rhythmic motion. “I’m going to be surprised if we make it through this week without fucking.”

Rey moaned softly and rubbed against him, pressing her breast more firmly into his grasp. “I’ll be surprised if we make it through tomorrow.”

He swallowed audibly and dropped a kiss on her hair, tugging lightly at her nipple. “Are you getting turned on again, sweetheart?”

“Mhm.” She tilted her hips, searching for friction, but there was no hard ridge to rub against anymore.

“Here,” he offered, hands dropping to her hips. “Try this.” He helped her position herself over his thigh, and Rey let out a soft sigh as the friction lit her body up again.

She kept her movements slow and languorous, the pleasure winding around her in lazy coils.

“Look at me,” he ordered, using both hands on her breasts now that she was partially sitting up.

Rey met his eye and held it, watching him watch her as she chased her pleasure against his leg. Neither of them spoke, and she maintained eye contact until her orgasm unfurled and she came with a soft cry.

After that, they kissed softly until Ben’s phone buzzed. They checked it together.

One text from Leia. _On our way home._

“Good of her to warn us,” Rey murmured, nuzzling under his jaw.

“Mm,” he replied, kissing her and toying with her breast again. He sighed. “I really need to change pants.”

“Okay,” she said, not moving from his lap, just tugging her top down further.

“Rey,” he said between kisses, palming her breast urgently now. “I really need to change.”

“Mhm,” she murmured. She needed dry panties, but she didn’t want to stop kissing him.

“Rey,” he said again, pausing long enough to suckle her breasts when she urged his head down to them. “Fuck,” he muttered, licking and then nipping her. “Rey, I’m sitting in my own cum. It’s very uncomfortable.”

Rey relented and slid off his lap, offering him a hand. He accepted it, stepping into her and running a hand firmly over her ass, fingers finding the crevice. Rey gasped against him, and he let her go and took a step back.

His pants were a mess. A dark wet spot toward his waist must be where his cum had seeped through, and a lighter, wider damp spot sat below, right where she’d rubbed against him. A third damp spot marred his thigh, and he smiled wryly when he looked down at himself and then bent to kiss her. “I’ll just be a minute.”

Rey went to her room and fixed the straps of her dress, checking her skirt for wet spots, but it had either dried quickly or miraculously escaped unscathed.

She cleaned herself up as best she could and put on fresh panties, debating whether Ben would want to see the wet ones. She dropped them into her laundry hamper, deciding it wasn't the best idea to wind him back up right as his parents got home, and also she didn't know if he had a thing for panties. Maybe he'd think she was weird if she just dropped a soaked pair of underwear on his lap.

Besides. She had sexier panties and plenty of time to wind him up again later.

Thinking about what she'd asked him to do to her that evening, she smiled and pulled her clean panties back off.

She had a feeling he wouldn't mind if she made it easier for him.

* * *

To Ben’s utter shock, his dad did not give them a hard time about the date. Tempting fate, Ben followed him to the garage and asked him why.

“Your mother threatened to make me sleep on the couch if I said anything,” Han replied with a shrug. “Anyway, thought I’d have more time to figure out how to play it.” At Ben’s frown, Han explained, “Do I tell you to have Rey home early, or do I tell her to have you home early? Do I advise you to use protection, or do I warn you I have a shotgun?”

“It’s mom’s shotgun,” Ben pointed out blandly, amused.

“Semantics,” Han said with a wave of his hand.

“That’s not how you use that word,” Ben replied, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.

“It’s just weird since you’re _both_ kind of my kids.”

“I’m literally your biological kid,” Ben said, folding his arms and settling more comfortably into the discussion. “No ‘kind of’ about it.”

“Well, she’s _kind of_ my daughter, and you’re full grown so it’s not like you need my advice—”

Ben raised a brow. “Who says I don’t?”

That gave Han pause.

Ben shrugged. “I’m not _asking_ for advice, but I’m a fucking disaster with women. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that I might, at some point, need guidance.”

Ben tried not to squirm under Han’s confounded stare. “Who are you and what have you done with my son?”

Ben huffed irritably and turned to leave the garage.

His dad, predictably, followed. Han was grinning now. “Body snatchers? Clone? Evil twin? Which, considering Ben, would make you the _good_ twin.”

Ben threw him a glare, but his dad was only getting warmed up. He continued to harass Ben as they joined the women, and Leia raised a brow at both of them.

“The kid said he might need _my_ guidance some day,” Han gleefully told his wife.

“I have changed my mind,” said Ben. “That will never happen. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“You were thinking that _I_ am great with women.”

His mom snorted at that. “No, you’re not.”

His dad’s jaw dropped. “I made _you_ fall in love with me, didn’t I?”

“Despite yourself,” she replied. “You self-sabotaged at every turn.”

Han put his fists on his hips and leaned in, brows lowering. “Well, _you_ were a snotty spoiled princess!”

His mom’s eyes snapped fire. “ _You_ were an arrogant asshole.”

They glared at each other for a few seconds, and then, for some weird fucking reason, they both started laughing.

Ben just stared at them. “I will never understand you two.”

Rey smiled at them all, and Ben tried to ignore how her pretty nipples poked at the fabric of her sundress. He was fairly sure his mother had noticed that he’d changed clothes, since he’d changed out of the things _she’d_ picked out for him, but she didn’t say anything about it, and Ben hoped she didn’t think too hard about all the reasons he might have needed to change.

He found himself alone with Rey for a moment and stood close, blocking the move with his body as he reached up and brushed his thumb across one of those nipples.

She gasped and looked up at him with wide eyes, shaking her head quickly and darting a glance around him.

Ben smiled and pinched it, and Rey smacked his hand away.

“Stop that,” she hissed.

“They can’t see anything.” But he put his hands in his pockets to keep himself from touching her again. He cleared his throat and flexed his jaw. “Are we still on for later?”

Rey bit her lip and nodded, and Ben let out the breath he’d been holding. He’d been worried that she hadn’t meant it, that it had just been dirty talk.

Beautifully filthy dirty talk.

“I’m hungry,” she said suddenly, derailing his increasingly lewd train of thought.

He raised a single brow. “You’re always hungry.”

She rolled her eyes at him and grabbed his hand. “Come on, we’re getting food.”

* * *

“Double quarter pounder with cheese, extra large fry, aaaand… a triple thick chocolate shake.”

“You’re disgusting.”

Rey flipped Ben off. “Bite me.”

“Later. I promise.” He leaned across her to peer at the drive-thru menu. “At least don’t get the shake. Those things are just high fructose corn syrup with chocolate flavoring.”

“If I want to get a milkshake—”

“I’m not disputing milkshakes, just don’t get one here. They’re crap.”

“You’re such a snob,” she said, then turned to the speaker. “Cancel that milkshake. Large soda instead.” Turned a sardonic look on him. “Happy?”

“You shouldn’t get ice. Ice dispensers never get cleaned. They’re disgusting.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “This is supposed to be dinner, not a health safety lecture.”

He shrugged. “If you want to drink E. coli, be my guest.”

She groaned but adjusted her order again. “What do you want, then, Mr. No Ice?”

“Greek salad with grilled chicken.”

Rey snorted. “Are you a middle aged woman? The fuck, Ben.”

His cheeks heated, but he rolled his eyes. “You’re young enough to eat this shit without it fucking you up. I am not.”

“Oh, so you’re just really _old_ ,” she teased, wrinkling her nose at him. He narrowed his eyes at her and fought a smile.

The speaker crackled. “Will that be all?”

Rey added his food to her order and pulled forward.

Ben reached for his wallet as Rey dug in her purse, rattling the contents around as she tried to maneuver the car and search for money at the same time. “I can pay,” he said.

She found what she was looking for and handed the bored-looking cashier a debit card. “Too late.”

He sighed but pocketed his wallet. “You’re a student. You have no money.”

Rey snorted. “You’ve been unemployed for the past year.”

Ben opened his mouth, then closed it. Frowned at her.

Rey smirked as if she’d won the argument.

“So,” she finally said when they pulled up to the second window. “Are we going to talk about anything interesting, or are you just going to be old at me all night?”

“Having standards is not being old,” he replied easily, settling back against his seat.

“I should buy you a cane.”

“You’re being a brat,” he said with a mild smile.

The pickup window slid open and passed Rey a bag which she passed over to Ben so she could accept her soda.

She pulled forward, dug her hand into the bag on his lap, and popped five fries into her mouth.

“You’re a heathen.”

“You’re just jealous,” she said, putting her fingers in her mouth to clean them.

“A little,” he replied, distracted by the way she sucked salt off the side of her thumb. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to be the one sucking her fingers or if he wanted her sucking _his_ , but he glanced around and straightened, reminding himself they were (kind of) in public.

He slid his hand briefly along her thigh, which made pink cross her cheeks. She sucked in a sharp breath.

He was glad he had something in his lap.

* * *

Rey drove to the same park they’d stopped at earlier. She turned the car off and grabbed the bag, digging her food out and stuffing more fries into her mouth before handing the bag back to him.“So. Um,” she said as she opened her burger. “I was thinking about what you said earlier.”

Ben tugged his fork out of its wrapping. “Okay.”

“You said being with me would have broken you.” He looked up from his food, fixing his eyes on her, and she took a deep breath, unsure how this would go over. She didn’t want to sound whiny or insensitive, but she needed to ask. “Did you ever think that maybe your leaving might break _me_?”

He turned back to his food. “No.”

Rey balked. “ _Excuse_ me?”

He calmly popped the lid off of his salad. “I never thought that. Not for a second.”

“So you just didn’t think about my feelings at all?” She was more hurt than angry.

He frowned and looked out the front of the car toward the greenery. Daylight was waning, but they still had enough to see by. Finally, he turned his frown her way. “I’m not trying to be an ass. It’s true I could have thought about your feelings more than I did. It was hard for me to see past the chaos in my own head.” He started mixing his salad dressing into the greens. “Everyone has a breaking point, but I knew that wasn’t yours.”

“You _couldn’t_ know that.”

He raised a brow at her. “Call it an educated guess. One that was correct, by the way.”

“It still hurt a _lot_ , Ben.” She was aware that she’d said that before, but it continued to matter.

“Are you trying to say I should have stayed because it, what, hurt your feelings?” His tone was mild, but there was an edge to it.

Rey scowled out her window. She wasn’t saying that… was she? “No,” she said, hoping it was true. “I just…” She sighed, frustrated. “I wish there’d been a middle ground. Something easier.”

“So do I,” he said, soft and sad.

Rey stared at a trash can at the end of the parking area. Her heart throbbed with disappointment, and she realized that she’d hoped he would say he never should have left, that her happiness was the most important thing in the world to him. And she wondered how selfish she had to be to think that way, after all he’d told her about how his experiences with Snoke had affected him and how sure he was that staying would have destroyed him.

Rey turned back when he spoke again.

“One of the things I admire most about you,” he said softly, “is that anyone else, put through everything you’ve been through in your life, would have come out angry and bitter and mean. And you…” He shook his head. “It’s just made you kind.” He reached out to brush her hair behind her ear. “Even while you were still at Plutt's, you showed more strength and compassion than I could have. So no. I wasn’t worried about a year apart being too much for you. Not for an instant.” He drew his hand away, and his eyes warmed. “You’re more amazing than you realize.”

She gave a watery laugh, glancing back out her window. “How do you make me so happy and so miserable at the same time?”

She had a small smile and wet eyes, but she lost the smile when she turned back and saw his face.

She’d hurt him.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly, reaching out for his hand.

He shook his head. “It’s fine.”

“Ben…”

He squeezed her hand. “Really. Don’t worry about it.”

“I love you,” she said, casting the words out like a lifeline.

He smiled, and she was relieved to see the happiness touch his eyes. “I love you, too.” After they went back to their food, he added, “I appreciate when you’re honest with me. Even if it’s unpleasant.”

Rey took an ungainly bite of her burger. “Mhm,” she grunted around the mouthful. When her mouth was clear, she admitted, “I think I still have some resentment about you leaving. It was hard, and it hurt. A lot.” She glanced up to find him watching her. “But I do get your reasons. I really do. Just… you’ve only been home for two days. Less than.” She gestured vaguely. “It’s going to take more time than that for me to… I don’t know. Deal?”

“Of course,” he agreed. “I hope I haven’t made you feel rushed.”

She shook her head. “Not really, no.”

He nodded, a thoughtful frown on his face. “I knew leaving would hurt you. I did. But I saw it as a choice between your feelings and my sanity. I care about your feelings, but.” He shrugged. “The one seemed more urgent than the other. And you aren’t the type to curl up in a ball and waste away over some asshole, soulmate or not. You’re a fighter. Every day, you tell everyone who ever hurt you to go fuck themselves in the best way possible — by being happy in spite of them.” He gazed at her. “I love that about you. And I wasn’t afraid for you, but I did trust my mom to let me know if there was a problem. If you’d really been in danger, I would have come back immediately.”

Rey almost wished she could go back in time and wallow in her grief to draw him back, but she dismissed the thought. He was right that that wasn’t her. She wasn’t a damsel in distress, and she hated even the _thought_ of acting like one.

And… if he’d returned early, she’d have wanted it to be because he chose to, not because she’d tricked him into it.

Her thoughts disturbed her, the heavy conversation sitting ponderous between them. She ate and thought and wondered how deeply their problems really ran.

“You and your old man food,” she teased when he finished and packed his trash back into the bag.

He smiled, and just like that the air in the car seemed to clear.

She added her own trash into the bag, and he set it by his feet.

“Let’s go home,” she said, starting the car and pulling out into the hazy twilight.

* * *

Ben was fairly sure that the conversation in the car took fooling around off the table for the evening. He shoved his disappointment down and tried to find his equilibrium. He would follow Rey’s lead and wait as long as she needed to feel comfortable with her body and with him.

So it was a surprise when his parents went to bed and Rey scooted over to burrow into his side, changing the program to the horrible movie they’d started the previous night.

“Really?” he asked, trailing his fingers idly along her arm. “This again?”

“We never finished it,” she replied.

He sighed but dropped a kiss on her hair. “Fine.”

Wrapped around her little finger.

And he didn’t mind at all.

* * *

Rey thought at first that Ben was teasing her, stroking her arm like that. Then she thought maybe he was waiting to make sure his parents were asleep. But eventually she realized that he just _wasn’t going to make a move_.

“Ben?” she asked, nuzzling her cheek against his chest.

“Hm?” His hand continued to trail lazily up and down her arm.

“Grab me that blanket.”

He looked around and tugged the blanket off the back of the couch. Rey draped it over her lap. She really was cold — her dress wasn’t designed for air-conditioned rooms — but that wasn’t the only reason she wanted it.

Rey wiggled around until she was facing Ben with her knees bumping against his thigh. The wiggling had two purposes.

The first was to make it easier to grab Ben’s neck and drag his mouth down to hers.

The second was to hitch her skirt up under the blanket so when she took the hand caressing her arm and guided it under the blanket, he could easily palm her rear and probe her folds.

He drew a sharp breath when she guided his fingers where she wanted them. “I thought we weren’t…” Then he cut off with a gasp when she urged one of his fingers inside of her. Rey squirmed her hips, and her whole body flushed at the intrusion. It didn’t take long for him to get over his surprise and begin plumbing her depths, his lips slightly parted and gaze intent on hers.

The only sounds in the room were the TV and their breathing.

“You’re not wearing underwear,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against hers as he drew his finger out and pushed it slowly back in. His breathing grew erratic. “How… how long?”

She lifted far enough to brush her lips against his cheek and whisper in his ear, “Since you went to change earlier.”

She saw the muscles in his jaw flex and the bob of his throat as he swallowed. “Fuck,” he whispered, his finger spearing into her and twisting as if trying to shove his hand in up to the wrist. It sent a shudder of pleasure through her, and Rey clung to his side, panting as she tried not to make a sound. The stairs were only behind a wall nearby, and she was nervous about doing this where they could get caught.

But she was excited, too. The thrill of danger, the chance that they might get so wrapped up in each other that they wouldn’t hear someone coming. It lent an edge to everything, an urgent sharpness, and Rey flushed further, pressing back into his hand and rolling her hips.

She didn’t have time to interpret the way he was looking at her as she fucked herself on his hand, too busy chasing her pleasure.

She reached down and fumbled at a second finger, and Ben obligingly pressed it inside her. Rey moaned silently, tipping her head back as she resumed riding his hand.

The blanket fell away, drooping into the floor as her movements grew wild. She got on her knees and straddled his hand, clinging to his shoulder as she moved and panted, and Ben brought his other hand under her skirt to stroke against her folds, his cheeks flushed and eyes burning.

He occasionally brushed against her clit, and Rey bucked and bit back a curse every time he did.

“This angle is killing me,” he finally whispered, drawing his fingers out of her with a wince and flexing his wrist. “Come on.” He stood and held a hand out to her, his dark eyes intense.

Rey took a shuddering breath and placed her hand in his. She let out a small squeak when he tugged her to her feet and lifted her into his arms, carrying her to her bedroom with an arm under her knees and the other behind her back.

He set her down on the end of the bed, took a moment to lock the door, and slid one hand under her skirt, pressing two fingers into her as he watched her face. He drew them out and plunged them back in, and the move jostled her sensitive clit. Rey gasped, her knees falling further apart, and he did it again. And again. She bit her hand to keep from making too much noise, but she couldn’t help the little moans that leaked out.

“Can I… can I see?” he asked, looming over her with one knee on the bed.

Rey blinked at him, confused.

He jerked his chin toward his hand under her skirt, his eyes glittering.

Rey dropped her head back to the bed and laughed weakly. “Ben. You’re _how_ many knuckles deep in me? Of _course_ you can look.”

He flushed lightly. “I didn’t want to presume.”

Rey laughed again, but he dropped to his knees beside the bed and his free hand smoothed over her knee and up her thigh, effectively cutting her laughter off and turning it into a moan. He curled the fingers inside her experimentally, and it made her shiver. “ _Ben_ ,” she gasped.

“I’ve never done this before,” he said, his breathing more audible the higher he moved her skirt. He stared at each bit of skin he uncovered, moving slowly as if savoring it. “You’ll have to tell me what works.”

“Mm,” she grunted, intending to agree but too focused on his steady progress to form words. She wanted to squirm under the attention, but she tried to hold still.

She really did try.

But then he ducked down and licked a three inch stripe up the inside of her thigh, and Rey’s entire body reacted, bucking toward him, her neck arching backwards.

When she settled back onto the bed, a little embarrassed by her reaction, his dark eyes were on her. He looked fevered, his jaw tight.

“Can I put my mouth on you?” he asked hoarsely.

Words were beyond her, so she nodded. She felt dazed, her breath coming in short pants. That hadn’t been an orgasm, but it had been shockingly intense.

He kissed the inside of her thigh and closed his eyes, a soft, reverent press of his lips. It helped to further ground her even as it raised her blood pressure.

No one had ever touched her like that before, and Rey couldn’t look away. His fingers were still deep inside of her, but it was his lips on her skin which held her mesmerized.

Rey pushed herself up a little on her elbows when he opened his eyes and looked up at her, his breath hot against the sensitive skin of her thighs. Without breaking eye contact, he pushed the last few inches of skirt up and gave her a long slow thrust of his fingers, leaving her breathless.

He dropped his eyes to her center and froze, lips parting and eyes widening. Rey had a few seconds to worry about her pubic hair and how long it had been since she’d showered, but then Ben’s eyes met hers, and he leaned in and kissed the top of her slit the way he’d kissed her thigh.

Rey whimpered, and he drew his wet fingers out and ran them up, finding the nub of her clit and circling it, then dropped them back to her entrance and pressed in as he dipped his mouth down and found her clit with the tip of his tongue, lapping gently at it.

Rey sucked in a breath and dropped her head back, trembling under Ben’s slow, thorough tongue.

She whimpered again and lifted her knee, trying to give him more room, and he guided her leg over his shoulder without pulling his mouth away from her.

Tension coiled tighter and tighter inside Rey as he slowly worked her, so that when he remembered his hand inside her she wasn’t expecting the first rough thrust and let out a little scream.

Ben groped upward and put his free hand over her mouth, a reminder that they weren’t alone in the house, but he never once took his mouth from her, devouring her now with urgency. His hand set up an unsteady rhythm, as if he couldn’t quite split his attention between his mouth and hand and had to neglect one to focus on the other. It left Rey panting and squirming under him, never quite sure where the stimulus would be strongest next, and he tried curling his fingers inside her again. This time he hit something that made her fist his hair and mewl into the hand still lightly covering her mouth. Without thinking, she jerked his head closer, grinding his face into her, and both heard and _felt_ him gasp. He curled his fingers again, and Rey’s hips bucked, and he kept doing it, his mouth working at her with more energy than finesse, but it was still so fucking hot that Rey could barely breathe.

Or was that…

_Oh God._

“Oh God,” she gasped, the words muffled against his hand, and the curling fingers inside her began to alternate curls and thrusts, and Rey gripped Ben’s hair so hard that it probably hurt, but he didn’t make a single noise of complaint, just focused everything on her, everything on…

“Fuck. Fuck fuck _fuck_.” Her mouth fell open as her orgasm crashed over her, and she gave herself over to it, letting it sweep her away like a tidal wave. It emptied her of thought, of pain, of worry, and left her loose-limbed and pulsing with aftershocks.

She gently pushed him away when it became too much and basked in the warm comfortable glow of her body.

Ben wiped his mouth on his shirt and sat beside her, leaning on an elbow so he could turn on his side to face her and brush the hair out of her face.

Rey looked blearily up at him, then caught sight of his poor neglected dick straining against his jeans. “I want you inside me,” she whispered, tugging at his shirt to get him between her legs.

He didn’t budge, a frown line forming between his brows.

“It’s okay,” she added, still tugging. “Your mom took me to the doctor to get on birth control.” She bit her lip. Leia had told her she didn’t _have_ to get it, which had convinced Rey more than any logical argument would have. She hadn’t told Leia what she’d decided, the doctor kept that confidential, but she thought Leia knew.

She hadn’t expected to need it so soon.

Maybe Leia had known this would happen. Rey blushed at the thought of being so predictable, but she couldn’t find it in her to care _too_ much after having the best orgasm of her life.

“I’d like to wait,” Ben said slowly, examining her face.

Rey blinked up at him, confused. “What?”

“I just… if it’s okay with you, I’d prefer if you made that decision while… _not_ in the heat of the moment.”

Rey’s warm glow started to dissipate into annoyance. “ _What?_ ”

Ben winced. “I’m not saying no, just… I want to be sure it’s something you won’t regret tomorrow.”

Rey pushed up on her elbows and stared at him. “So let me get this straight. I’m _giving myself to you_ , and you’re declining.”

He frowned, his eyes turning wary as if only now realizing how poorly his answer had gone over. “Just for tonight.”

She stared at him longer, until he looked away. “Wow,” she said. She pushed off the bed and brushed her skirt back into place, then walked to the door and opened it, waiting.

He climbed to his feet. “Rey,” he said softly.

She shook her head, refusing to look at him. “Out.”

“Rey,” he said again, pleading.

She turned her face away, and after a long stretch heard him move toward the door.

His hand traced her spine for a moment, so light she almost didn’t feel it through her dress. “I’m sorry.”

He sounded hurt, and it made Rey flinch.

He left the room, and Rey shut the door behind him. She leaned her back against it, her face already wet. She’d only barely been able to keep the tears at bay, but they’d broken free as she’d waited by the door, and only now that he was gone could she bury her face in her hands and quietly sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [edit] The [sexy virgin dress](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/178743838855/the-dress-rey-wears-in-chapter-33).


	34. Redemption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[[Clean Version](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/179830489805/clean-version-soul-searching-ch-34)]**
> 
> On the idea that Ben and Rey can’t come back from what’s happened so far, or that any regressions are permanent: Human emotion and behavior isn’t a linear thing. Ben and Rey’s relationship is upward trending, but it’s not going to be a smooth line. It will have rises and dips. Hard work in real life isn’t always enough, that is true, but being soulmates pretty much guarantees that the work these two put in will actually work.
> 
> I’ve made conscious choices not to sugarcoat some of the less flattering aspects of working through problems. Ben and Rey are not always shown in the best light, and I think that’s important because it’s very human to be selfish or to change your mind or to circle back — all while trying to be kind and considerate and trustworthy. It’s a process.

Rey couldn’t sleep.

She wore one of Ben’s old t-shirts and some shorts, and she kept having to roll over to try and find a more comfortable position.

He’d rejected her.

That was the right word, the word for the crawling misery keeping her awake. _Rejection._ She felt rejected by the man she loved, her soulmate, and embarrassed that she’d put herself out there.

She sniffled and wiped her eyes on her damp pillow.

She hadn't wanted him to see her cry.

Her chest ached, and it wasn’t until she had her hand on the door to Ben’s room that she realized something invisible and instinctual was drawing her to him. She paused to give that a moment of thought, then let herself quietly in.

She wasn’t surprised to see him sitting up in the dark, knees drawn up under the blanket and arms draped over them.

He didn’t say anything, just moved over to make room as she crawled into bed with him. She lay on her side facing the door, and he slid down, wrapping his arms around her, the weight warm and comforting.

They lay quietly for a few minutes, letting their racing heartbeats even out.

“Have you been awake all this time, too?” Rey whispered.

“Yeah,” he whispered back, nose in her hair. His arms tightened gently, and she heard him swallow. “I hate fighting with you.”

She rolled over so she could look at him. It was dark, but she could make out the paleness of his face. “I don’t understand. You said you were ready.”

He rested his forehead against hers. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I did.”

“And you said you’d trust me to know when _I’m_ ready.”

“Yes.”

She frowned into the dark, trying to discern the expression in his eyes and failing. “So what gives? I’m not trying to argue here, I genuinely don’t get it. Did you change your mind?”

“No,” he whispered quickly. “No. I mean… I don’t think so.” He set his chin on top of her head and blew out a breath. “I guess I could have explained it better.”

She scooted closer, reveling in his warmth on the narrow mattress. Maybe it was a soulmate thing, that being in his arms brought her so much peace. Maybe it was being in love with him. She didn’t know, and she supposed it didn’t really matter.

“I wasn’t objecting to the idea itself — although, now that I think about it, losing our virginity with my parents asleep upstairs sounds pretty horrifying. We should definitely get a hotel room when the time comes.”

“Our” virginity. The reminder hit her hard. She kept forgetting that he wasn't actually more experienced in this than her. It was just so easy to assume that he was less invested, that it wasn't as big a deal for him, because he was so much older.

She felt a little shitty for kicking him out, now.

“I just… I want your consent well ahead of the actual event. I want you to have time to change your mind if you need to.”

Rey frowned. “I won't.”

He kissed her forehead, then her nose. “Maybe. Maybe not. But _I_ won’t be comfortable unless I know you have that.” He shook his head a little. “And I know I should have told you all of this earlier, but I didn’t even realize it was something I needed until you offered.” He sighed and pressed his forehead against hers, rueful. “Things have been moving a lot faster than I thought they would.”

Rey burrowed under his chin. “Yeah.” That was an understatement. She pressed her face against his collarbone and inhaled the scent of him as she mulled over his words. Something still bothered her, but the sting of rejection had already faded.

Ben rubbed her back with one big palm. “I know I’m being overcautious. It’s just really important to me, Rey. I need to be absolutely sure that you’ve had time to think about it and back out. Just in case.” His hand drifted to her waist, then up to the nape of her neck. “It means something to me. Being with you.” He pressed his lips to her forehead again. “Maybe it’s needy or unreasonable or something, but I’d really appreciate it.”

Rey tilted her face up and kissed the part of his face that was closest, which was his jaw. “I’m sure now. But I guess I can do it your way if that’s what you need.”

He tugged her closer, arms firm around her, and let out a grateful sigh. “Thank you.” He buried his face in her hair, nuzzling her scalp.

Rey hummed, relaxing further. He was being unusually affectionate. When she pointed this out, he huffed a laugh.

“I never get to just hold you,” he replied.

“It’s nice,” she said, pressing her forehead against him and letting him tuck his chin on top of her head. He had a grey t-shirt on, and she kissed his bicep right where the sleeve ended, then lay quietly for a moment, just listening to him breathe. “Is this how it’s always going to be? Imploding like that? Wading through the aftermath?”

He took a deep breath. “Probably not. I think most of this is just… there’s a lot to deal with right now.” He dropped a kiss on her hair. “Things will settle down.”

Rey sighed, but her body relaxed against his, and she let her thoughts drift from the safety of his arms.

She still didn’t get why they had to wait.

But she knew him. He wasn’t malicious. He wasn't trying to play games. And, once she pinpointed what was bothering her, he’d listen.

And she didn’t have to figure it all out tonight. That was something her therapist had impressed upon her when she'd gotten frustrated that she couldn’t put her feelings into words: it was okay to process at her own pace and address something when she understood it, even if it was days or weeks or months later.

Ben was asleep, his breathing even, the soft sound lulling her. Rey set her worries aside and let herself relax into his embrace, her eyes fluttering shut as warmth seeped into her bones.

* * *

A light knock made Rey jerk awake. Ben’s arms were still around her, and he raised his head blearily to peer at the door.

“Ben?” said Leia from the other side.

“Yeah,” he called, voice rough with sleep.

“If you see Rey, remind her she has an appointment this morning.”

Rey buried her face into Ben’s chest in mortification as he laughed silently.

She felt a lot less embarrassed when his lips found hers and he kissed her slowly, lazily, until they were both awake.

“Good morning,” she whispered when he drew away. She felt oddly shy, on her back now with him propped on one arm beside her.

He smiled and toyed with her hair. “I could get used to this,” he murmured. “Waking up to you.”

Rey could, too, but she didn't tell him so, flicking a glance at the door instead.

Yeah, Leia definitely knew where Rey was.

Rey blushed and felt the urge to chase after Leia and protest that nothing had happened — ironic because so much _had_ happened yesterday. Just nothing after she crawled into Ben's bed.

She didn't know where the urge to defend herself on that narrow precipice of logic came from, but she decided to ignore it. Considering all they'd done, she couldn't in good conscience tell Leia she was a blushing innocent.

And it wasn't like Leia had _asked_.

Rey glanced up to find Ben looking at her oversized sleep shirt with an odd expression.

“I thought you would have thrown these out,” he said, rubbing the black fabric between his fingers. “Or burned them or something.”

Rey followed his gaze down to the faded band logo. She shrugged. “I was angry, but I still wanted to hold onto whatever pieces of you I could.”

His eyes softened, and he pressed his lips to hers once more. “I missed you,” he whispered fervently, and Rey wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him back down, deepening the kiss until she was squirming for something more. Ben drew back and shifted a leg between hers, and she rubbed against it until she got off. He watched her face closely the whole while and kissed her when she finished.

“What’s your appointment for?” he asked, focused on brushing her hair back from her face.

“Therapist,” she replied, still dazed and loose-limbed from her orgasm, trying to nip lazily at his fingers. She could feel his arousal lying hard against her thigh, but he didn't try to do anything, just flicked his eyes to meet hers.

“Aha.” He searched her eyes for a moment and nodded once, firmly. “Good. Good timing.” And he started to get up.

Rey clutched at him, tugging him back down and between her thighs. “But you haven't…”

Ben seemed to catch on — her none-too-subtle rubbing up against him certainly didn't leave any room for doubt — but he only smiled and kissed her forehead. “Later,” he promised, moving to get up again. “If you still want to.” He stood and shucked his shirt, and if Rey hadn't just come, she'd have been yanking him back into bed and keeping him there until they _both_ got what they needed.

Ben tossed an oblivious smile over his bare shoulder. “I don't want to make you late, and I _really_ don't want too much suspicious laundry lying around.” He held a hand out to her, and his smile was tender. Understanding, even. “Come on. There'll be time later.”

* * *

Ben was refilling his coffee when his mom looked up from her cereal and said, “Ben.”

“Mhm?” he mumbled, still tired from staying up late worrying that he’d thrown things with Rey back to square one. He’d had to force himself to stay in his own room and give her space, and it had been a near physical relief when she’d come to him.

He had slept deeply after that, but he still could have used another hour or two, especially as he was still adjusting to the time change.

“Come sit,” his mother said, gesturing to the chair adjacent to her.

Ben took his coffee and sat.

His mother watched him silently for a while, as if gathering her words. He could see the discomfort written in the lines on her brow, the reticence, the struggle, and he knew what it was she wanted to talk about.

But he waited. He could have helped her by starting the conversation, but it was a conversation he didn't want to have.

Her first words were a question. “It’s only been, what, forty-eight hours since you came home?”

Ben inclined his head, trying to keep the irritation from his voice. “Close to that.”

His mother looked away, her frown deepening. “She’s had so little time to process everything.”

He inclined his head again, tensing as her point drew closer.

“Please don't rush her.”

 _There_ it was. He saw the way his mother winced, as if she knew she was interfering but had to say it anyway.

Ben’s first thought was that _he_ wasn’t the one rushing things. But he didn’t say that, didn’t feel comfortable exposing Rey to his mother like that.

And he hadn’t exactly been a passive bystander in the whole thing.

He mulled over responses for a long while, some defensive, some aggressive, some apologetic. His mother’s concern lined up too well with his own worries and exacerbated the overprotective urges he’d been trying to tame. Her words made the little voice telling him _She’s so young_ that much louder.

He firmly squashed that voice and spoke more to it than to his mother. “Rey deserves the chance to make her own choices.”

“I just think it would be better if you waited.”

Ben sighed, annoyance leaking into his voice. “Perhaps, but that's not really up to you.”

His mother inclined her head. “No, it's up to you.”

“It's up to Rey,” he corrected.

“She's _so_ young, Ben.”

The little voice broke free and whispered agreement. Ben scowled. “You weren't much older when you met dad.”

His mom sighed, unable to argue with that. His parents had an even wider age gap than Rey and himself.

“I was so fucking young,” she said wistfully.

“Do you regret it?”

She shrugged. “Some things. Not marrying Han, though.” A softer smile, full of memories. “Love is a powerful aphrodisiac.”

Ben winced and grabbed his coffee like a shield. “ _That_ is more than I needed to know.”

His mother rolled her eyes. “How do you think _you_ were made?”

He set his coffee down and covered his ears. “I'm not listening.”

His mom laughed and swiped at his hands. Ben obligingly uncovered his ears.

“Fine,” she chuckled. “I'll stop.”

He took a sip of coffee and settled back into his chair. “Rey would never forgive me if I made that decision for her.”

“Just go slow. Please. You've only been back two days, nothing needs to be rushed.”

He sighed. He knew where his mother was coming from, had had these thoughts himself. Had fought them to give Rey the agency she needed. Deserved.

“Your concerns are noted,” he said softly, covering his mother’s hand with his own. It was the best he could do, and he thought his mother understood because she nodded and flipped her hand to squeeze his with a soft, “Thank you.”

After that, his mom chose to hound him about his immediate plans and goals. She was not particularly happy that he didn’t intend to find work or an apartment until he knew exactly where he stood with Rey and whether he’d be following her to college.

“I offered to stay in a hotel,” he reminded her, and his mother rolled her eyes.

“I should make you,” she grumbled.

He shrugged. She could. Nobody was stopping her. But she just huffed and drank her coffee.

* * *

When Rey returned, Ben was rinsing out his mug. His mom had migrated to the living room, and his dad was pouring a second cup.

“Hey, kiddo,” Han said, stopping to greet to Rey. “Good session?”

Ben suppressed a smile as he put his mug in the dishwasher. Of course Han would ask Rey the same thing he always asked Ben after sessions.

“Yeah,” she said.

“Coffee?” Ben offered, trying to interpret her mood.

“Yeah,” she said, approaching. “Thanks.”

His dad looked between the two of them and then awkwardly left the room.

Ben poured coffee for Rey but didn’t move from in front of it, looking down at her instead. She seemed pensive. Maybe sad. He traced his knuckles down her cheek and along her jaw, wishing he could fix whatever was bothering her.

She looked up at him with limpid hazel eyes. “We should talk.”

He nodded. “Of course.”

“Outside?”

He nodded again and moved from the counter, letting her doctor her drink. He stood back and watched, then decided he didn’t want to hover and went out back to wait on the bench swing. He wished he’d kept his mug for something to do with his hands.

Rey joined him after a minute, sitting gingerly on the other end of the bench. She clutched her mug between her hands and took a deep breath. “Next Wednesday.”

He raised a brow and waited for her to explain.

“I want to have sex next Wednesday.” She slid a nervous glance at him.

“Oh,” he said, eyes wide. He swallowed. “Okay.”

She nodded and looked back at her mug. “It meets your criteria and gives us time to find a, um, hotel.”

He nodded, his chest tight with sudden nerves. “Okay.”

“I can tell Leia that I’m staying with Lusica,” she added.

Ben frowned. “Why?”

She blinked at him. “So your parents won't find out.”

He raised a brow at her. “We can just tell them the truth.”

Rey's eyes went wide. “But then they'll know.”

Her squeamishness amused him, but he didn’t think laughing would go over well just then. He couldn’t keep the smile out of his eyes, but he kept it (mostly) off his mouth. “It'll be obvious when we’re both gone all night.”

“We'll just come back before they wake up. Or you will. I guess I'll still be ‘at Lusica's.’”

“Rey,” he sighed. “I don't want to start this with subterfuge. For one, it sounds _exhausting_. And there's no need for it.”

Rey chewed on her bottom lip. “But they'll know,” she said in a small voice. “They'll know what we're doing.”

He shrugged gently, hoping his nonchalance would ease her fears. “It's not like they'll be picturing it.” He took her hand, her palm warm from holding her mug, and gazed into her worried face. “They won't care, sweetheart. And if they do, it's none of their damn business.”

Rey pressed her lips together, her brows furrowed. “I don’t want to disappoint them.”

He lifted her hand to his lips, trying to reassure her. “You’re not disappointing anyone. And if it makes you feel any better, I’m not exactly looking forward to my parents knowing I’ll be defiling their favorite girl.”

She groaned miserably. “Oh God.”

Ben’s lips twitched up. “You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”

She rolled her eyes, her cheeks rosy. “Fuck you, Solo.”

He couldn’t help grinning at her half-hearted insult. “That is the point, yes.”

Rey slipped her hand from his to scrub it over her face, but he was pleased to see she was laughing. When she sobered, she sighed. “It’s good that you stopped last night.” She sent him a glance and grimaced as if she hated admitting it. “Dr. Morehouse thinks it’s a good idea to talk about sex first, especially with all the other baggage between us. She said we should discuss what we want from it and what we expect.”

Ben nodded, watching her carefully and waiting. He always came away from therapy with a lot to think about, and he could tell Rey had, as well.

“I think I figured out why your explanation bothered me last night. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to, it was… it _sounded like_ ,” she corrected, and Ben recognized it for the I Feel statement it was, “you said no because you didn’t want _me_ to. And that’s different from just saying no.” He frowned and filed that away to consider at length. When he didn’t respond, she went on. “It’s just that I didn’t feel like I had a voice before you left. You know? And I don’t want that to happen again. I’m not okay with that.”

He nodded. “You should have had a voice. That was me. My fault.” He looked at her, guilt thick in his throat. “I’m sorry.”

She nodded, looking down into her coffee as if to brace herself. “I think trust is a problem for us.”

Ben’s brows came together, his instincts bucking the idea. He reined his reaction in and let himself consider her words honestly.

He supposed he could see it. He hadn’t trusted her before he left, and he supposed trust might still be an issue now. Finally, he stretched his legs out and crossed them at the ankle. “Okay.”

She took a deep breath, her posture relaxing minimally. “Sometimes I feel like… you still don’t really trust me. An argument could be made that lack of trust is why you want to wait to have sex.”

He considered that.

He knew he hadn’t been wrong to put on the brakes — he wouldn’t have been comfortable so long as his concerns remained unresolved — but was a lack of _trust_ why he’d been concerned in the first place?

He didn’t think so, but his judgment wasn’t always the best.

He decided to broach the idea with Dr. Statura.

“And then, on my side,” she said softly, “I don’t entirely trust you not to disappear again.” She turned her mug in her hands, her movements nervous. “And I worry that you’re just going to keep treating me like a kid. Like I’m younger and dumber.”

He nodded, watching her out of the corner of his eye, and she turned her face to his, expectant. He bit his lip. Was he supposed to respond now?

“If I treat you like a child in the future, I want you to tell me,” he said quietly. “I haven’t had many opportunities to develop social skills, and I can be a jackass, so you need to tell me when I’m out of line. I want to do better, but I’m going to fuck up sometimes. I need you to hold me accountable.”

She nodded. “I can do that.”

He nodded back at her. “I’m going to have to think about whether I trust you or not. I can’t say right now if there’s any merit to it. There may be. I’m going to consider it.” It didn’t feel like the right explanation, but he couldn’t claim to know all of his motivations. His brain still wasn’t the tidiest of places even after the year of soul searching. Tidi _er_ , certainly, but with plenty of messy corners.

Rey swallowed, her eyes too bright, and he leaned over to press a kiss to her temple. “I think the wisest course would actually be waiting longer than next Wednesday—”

Rey jerked back to stare at him. “What?!”

“—but I don’t want to,” he finished firmly. She watched him, and he ran the backs of his fingers across her cheek. She kept making him realize things he couldn’t have put into words even an hour ago. “I don’t want to wait a prudent amount of time. I’ve _been_ prudent. I’ve been adult and responsible and reasonable, and I’m so fucking done with it all. I don’t want to wait. I want _you_.”

“Oh,” she whispered in a completely different voice, her hand coming up to lightly grasp his against her cheek.

“If you say you’re ready, I choose to believe you. I can’t second-guess you on your own fucking feelings, or this is never going to work. Yeah, I’m older, and I have a different perspective, but I have to trust you or… or you’ll leave me.” His eyes prickled unpleasantly, the words thick in his throat.

She wiped a stray tear from her cheek with her palm. He wanted her to say she’d never leave him, but all she said was a simple, “Okay.” Which told him nothing about what was going on in her head.

He leaned to kiss her forehead, needing the contact. “As for me leaving again, I think the only way to prove I won’t is by not doing it. And that’s just going to take time.” He kissed the corner of her mouth. “But if you need reassurance, let me know. I’m terrible with words, but I’ll do my best.”

She nodded, wiping at another tear, and her lips quirked up. “I told Dr. Morehouse about how you make eloquent speeches comparing me to fire one minute and have your foot in your mouth up to the knee the next.”

Ben let out a surprised laugh. “Fair enough.”

She cast him a determined look. “I’m going to start insisting you explain yourself better. Dr. Morehouse agreed that part of the problem is how bad you are at explaining things, and the other part is that I don’t make you clarify anything until later.”

“You actually did insist I clarify yesterday. When you wanted to talk about public displays of affection.”

Her eyes widened, and she straightened her spine. “I guess I did. Huh.” She smiled at him. It wasn’t as strong as her usual smiles, but it was beautiful because hope teased around its edges. “Let’s do more of that.”

He smiled back. “Deal.”

“Okay, last thing. We have homework.” She dug a folded sheet of paper out of her pocket. “One is an online quiz, but this one is shorter.”

Ben moved closer, putting a hand on the bench seat behind her as he leaned in and read the top of the paper. _Couples Therapy Questions._ There were ten questions in large print and a stupid clipart to one side of a man and woman holding hands. “She used Comic Sans,” he muttered, disgusted.

Rey rolled her eyes. “Oh my God, you’re such a snob.”

He smiled and glanced at her. “I think you’ve said that _exact_ thing before.”

She shrugged and smiled back at him. “You _are_ a snob.”

He nodded agreeably. “I am.”

Rey smoothed the paper against her thigh, “Okay, the first question is ‘What do you think the biggest problems are in your relationship?’” She sent him a nervous glance. “I think… I think we’ve kind of covered those. Trust and communication. Unless you have something to add?”

He considered briefly. “Not off the top of my head.” When she continued to frown in concern, he added, “If something occurs to me later, I’ll let you know.”

They went through the rest of the questions a little faster. There was one about trust, which they skipped, and another about sexual satisfaction, which made Rey tilt her face up to his and ask, “Can we do more of that… _other_ stuff? The sex-but-not-sex stuff?”

Ben swallowed and nodded, his heart thumping in his chest. He’d really really liked what they’d already done. “Sure.”

Rey worried her lip and frowned down at the paper. After a moment, she said, "I don't really see how sex is all that different from that stuff."

Technically, he supposed it wasn’t. None of what they’d done would have been acceptable to him even a few months ago. And yet. "It… isn't, I suppose. I think it's more like… like a right of passage. The other stuff doesn't feel as permanent. As… solemn."

She snorted. "You make it sound like we're going to make a blood sacrifice or something."

"We kind of _are_. Virgin sacrifice." He lifted two fingers. “Times two.”

Her brows drew together to consider that, and eventually she bent back over the paper without further comment. “‘Where do you see your relationship in five years?’” She glanced up at him and said, “You go first.”

Ben hesitated because he’d actually thought about this and had planned to keep it to himself until they’d cleared more of the air.

He didn’t want to scare her off.

But he nodded slowly and began. “You’ll be graduating in five years. Or graduated?” He glanced at her.

“Probably in a graduate program by then.”

He nodded, pleased. She knew her intellectual worth. He loved that about her. “Okay. Depending on what you choose, I’ll either be there with you or here waiting on you.”

Her brows rose.

He shrugged one shoulder, trying to exude nonchalance even though he desperately preferred one option to the other. “It’s up to you. It would be wise to take some time for yourself. I’d hate it, but I’ll respect whatever you decide. The other option is that I trail behind you and live in the same town, preferably in the same apartment. But, again, it’s up to you.”

She nodded thoughtfully. “Okay.”

He clutched his hands together, nerves making his heart pound. He licked dry lips. “Okay. I’m just going to say it and get it out there. In five years, I want to be married to you. Living together. No kids.”

“No kids?” she asked, her voice more curious than upset, and it was not the response he’d expected.

He swallowed before looking at her. “I’m kind of afraid of being a bad parent. Given my own parents. And, you know. My temper.” He blinked and hurried to add, “But if you somehow got pregnant, I’d obviously stay at home with it while you went to school. Or we could get a nanny if I really suck at childcare. You won’t have to put your dreams on hold.”

She was quiet for a minute. “I understand being afraid of turning into your parents,” she said, voice soft but eyes fierce. “I’m not, though. I will _never_ do what my parents did. Never. I’ll die first.”

He stared. _Fire_. It fit her so well.

“But,” she said, reining herself in, “there’s a problem with you staying home. If we don’t have any income, how will we pay for anything? Because I am _not_ making your parents support us.”

Ben blinked at her. “That’s the second time you’ve acted like I don’t have any money. I’m honestly surprised nobody mentioned it before now.”

“Mentioned what?”

“I have a trust fund. It comes to me in full when I turn thirty, but until then I can take out money for food and rent and other essentials.” He smiled at her flabbergasted expression. “How do you think I lived abroad for a year without a job?”

Rey threw her hands up. “You goddamn rich people,” she said without heat.

Ben laughed.

“Fine,” she muttered. “But let’s take kids out of the equation for now.” She tipped her head to one side. “I’ve always thought I’d adopt, anyway.”

Ben blinked. That was an idea.

That was definitely an idea.

“There are a lot of kids, especially older kids, who want a home just as badly as I did.” She shrugged, eyes on the list in her lap. “I like the idea of giving that to them. Maybe even fostering.” She looked at him and blushed. “Not yet, though,” she said primly, her accent making the pronouncement particularly genteel. “I’m not remotely ready.”

“Definitely not yet,” he agreed. He watched her for a moment as she sipped her coffee. “So what about you? Where do you see us in five years?”

“Honestly, I was going to say ‘not fighting so much,’ but I think I like your idea better.” She laughed, but her glance was surprisingly serious. “You really want to marry me?”

“Down the road,” he said, heart thudding. “Yes.”

She bit her lip, adorably shy. “Okay.”

His heart flopped over, tripling its pace. He fought to keep his voice casual. “Does that mean you’ll say yes?”

She pursed her lips, her eyes smiling in an encouraging way. “It means I don’t hate the idea.”

Ben struggled not to grin, but some of it must have shown because Rey blushed. He fought for a neutral expression and looked at the paper. “Last question. ‘What do you love most about your partner?’”

The “most” got him. There were a lot of qualities he loved and admired about Rey. How could he pick just one?

She looked equally stumped, and he felt a self-conscious twinge. He didn’t have a lot of great qualities. Maybe she was having the opposite problem — maybe she couldn’t think of _any_.

“I don’t think I’ve ever told you what I love about you before,” she said quietly, frowning as if the information surprised and troubled her. “You’ve told me… so much. But I don’t think I’ve said anything like that back to you.”

He considered. It didn’t matter too much to him if she hadn’t. It wasn’t something he needed. When he told her this, however, she waved the paper at him.

“ _This_ says it’s important. So.” She chewed on her bottom lip, frowning as she thought. “Okay, this is going to sound weird because you literally left the country to get away from me.”

Ben raised a sardonic brow at her but didn’t say anything. Wasn’t this supposed to be a compliment?

“Before that, you were always there for me. And it was platonic and everything, but you were _there_. And that meant a lot to me. You even did things you hated just to make me happy.”

Ben tilted his head, the weight of his actions settling on him all over again. “And then I left.”

She sighed wearily. “And then you left.” She shrugged. “Before that, though, when you were there, it meant a lot to me.”

Ben preferred brutal honesty to polite lies.

Guilt still sucked.

“Let’s make some new memories,” he said, standing abruptly and holding out a hand. “Ones that aren’t tainted.”

Rey stared at him, startled, before she put her hand in his with a smile. “Let’s.”

* * *

“At the car wash, when we talked books and you let me braid your hair.”

“Really?” Ben smiled and reached for a handhold, his longer arms letting him keep pace with Rey as they climbed the gym’s rock wall. He had more experience on it, but he was definitely out of practice, and Rey was showing an affinity for climbing that made him worry she’d beat him to the top.

“Really. Top five.”

He pushed himself higher, feeling the exertion throughout his body. He’d been in much better shape the last time he’d done this. “Interesting.”

“What about you? What’s one of your top five?”

“The first time I saw you laugh,” he said, arms starting to tremble. He had a lot more weight to hold up than Rey did.

He took more of his weight with his legs. If he fell off, she’d never let him live it down.

He pushed himself, determined to beat her to the top. Even if they hadn’t agreed that the winner would get a concession from the loser, he wouldn’t have held back. He knew without asking that she would be insulted if he did.

Ben groaned when Rey’s hand slapped the top of the wall a second before he could. She pulled herself up and sat, kicking her feet cheerfully as she waited for him to join her.

“So, what’s your prize?” he asked as they belayed back down.

Rey grinned. “I want to hear about your book.”

“Shit,” he laughed as their feet touched the mat. The gym employees unhooked them and removed their harnesses. Ben waited until they could find a spot to one side and sighed. “It’s horror.”

Rey laughed, tipping her head back in delight. “Of _course_ it is. How many people die violent and painful deaths?”

A smile twitched his lips. “Almost everyone.”

She grinned. “Naturally.”

“The main character and the plucky young heroine both survive.”

“A happy ending? That doesn’t sound like you.”

“The main character is the killer.”

She snorted. “Oh. Yeah. That sounds like you.”

“They run away together,” he said, his mouth twisting with embarrassment. “He falls for her, and asks her to join him, and they ride off into the sunset.”

Rey gasped theatrically and grasped his forearm with both of her hands. “It _is_ a happy ending! Ben, you’re getting soft in your old age.”

He narrowed his eyes at her, amused. He liked when she teased him. It meant she felt comfortable around him. “I am _not_ that old.”

“You just let a _novice_ school you on the rock wall. You’re ancient.”

He slipped a hand onto her hip and dipped his lips to her ear. “Find us a dark corner, and I’ll _show_ you how ancient I am.”

She grinned up at him. “I thought you hated PDA.”

He let out a breath and released her. “That’s why I said a _dark_ corner.” He cast a suspicious look around the room, making sure no one was watching them.

Everyone seemed to be minding their own business, and he found Rey smirking knowingly when he turned back to her. “Come on,” she said, taking his hand. “Let’s go find some food.”

* * *

“So I get to read your book, right?” Rey said over her bowl of pho.

“Not a chance,” Ben replied. “It’s embarrassingly bad.”

“How bad can it be? You’re always reading.”

He waved his chopsticks dismissively. “Being able to recognize good writing and being able to produce good writing are completely different skill sets. Complementary skills, yes, but different. I read enough to know _exactly_ how bad my own work is.”

“So I don’t get to see it.” Rey tried not to sound _too_ disappointed.

He set his chopsticks down and made a face. “If it really matters to you… I guess you can.”

Rey grinned at him. “I _really_ want to.”

Ben just sighed grumpily and dug into his peanut noodles. “Fine. I’ll need your email to send it.”

When they got home, they said hi to Luke before Ben disappeared into the back of the house. Rey plopped onto the couch and answered a few texts, only half listening to Luke and Han talk about flight conditions for that weekend as she gave her friends vague but positive replies about yesterday’s date.

Ben returned and muttered, “You have an email. Do not tell _anyone_ what you see.”

Rey grinned and crossed her heart. She wriggled down against the cushions, settling herself for an afternoon of reading on her phone, and Ben sat on the other end of the couch by her feet with a paperback and his glasses.

“Hey,” Rey said after the other men went to the kitchen to scrounge leftovers for a late lunch. She nudged Ben with her foot even though he’d already looked up. “What’s your number?”

He told her, and she put it in her phone. A minute later, his phone vibrated in his pocket, and she watched as he drew it out and checked the text she’d just sent.

_Your glasses are cute._

He blinked a few times, blushed, and the corners of his mouth twitched in a bemused smile. He glanced her way, but didn’t meet her eye, finally settling on briefly squeezing her ankle.

She debated sending him something racier, but his dad and uncle were in the next room, Leia was upstairs, and Rey didn’t want to make things awkward for him. So she switched to the document he’d linked her and started to read.

Half an hour later, she could see why he wouldn’t be happy with it. It wasn’t _bad_ , per se, but he wrote with the same stilted formality as his letters.

Still, it was better than anything she could have written, and she shot off a text telling him so.

He rolled his eyes with pink cheeks and texted her back, making her silence her phone so her _Ta-ding_ s wouldn't give them away.

_I may have modeled the plucky heroine off of someone I know._

Rey smiled. She’d noticed that Anna had freckles and hazel eyes. _Someone cute?_ she texted back.

_Fucking adorable._

Rey smiled and wiggled further down on the couch, burying her toes against his thigh.

He casually ran his hand up and down the back of her calf, eyes still on his phone, and then nudged her feet onto his lap and used his free hand to idly massage her soles.

No one had ever rubbed her feet before, and Rey had always thought it would tickle, so she was taken by surprise when her entire body _melted_ in response to his touch.

She got his next text with half-open eyes, just barely able to resist falling asleep. The words on her screen made her smile.

_You know I love you, right?_

She tilted her foot to brush her toes against his shirt. “I love you, too,” she said softly.

He nodded and set his phone aside to continue her foot massage with both hands.

Rey nearly purred as he pressed his thumbs into just the right spot. “I think I’ll keep you around,” she told him.

He tossed her an amused look. “I’m glad.”

She closed her eyes and sank into the comfort of his presence. “Me too.”

* * *

“You kids want to come to Wicket’s with us?”

Ben saw Rey looking pensively at him, and he was beyond relieved to be able to say, “You four go ahead. I actually… have plans.”

Rey’s brows rose.

“What plans?” his dad asked, laughing. “We’re the only people you know.”

Ben sighed, irritated. “You know how we agreed I’d tell you when you’re being a dick?”

Han rolled his eyes. “It’s a joke.”

Ben raised a brow at him, and his dad huffed and crossed his arms. But he shut up.

Progress.

“I just have something I need to take care of.” He grimaced. “I need to borrow a car, though.”

“You can borrow mine,” Rey said.

Ben nodded at her. “Thank you.”

He got out of the house with minimal effort and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as his phone spat out directions.

In some ways, he would prefer facing Wicket than the task ahead of him.

But it had to be done.

Ben parked in front of a small plain house that needed a fresh coat of paint. As he walked to the front door, he noted that the decorative bushes under the front windows needed to be cut back. The lawn looked like it had been mowed recently, though.

He knocked, and the door opened quickly to a tallish blonde boy with big brown eyes. Ben had been expected, so there was no surprise on the boy’s face, just the smallest touch of wariness.

Ben nodded stiffly, feeling awkward. “Thomas.”

Thomas nodded back, just as awkward.

They stood silently for a moment, then Thomas took a step back. “Care to come in?”

Ben accepted, noting that Thomas’ accent was pleasant and soothing the same way Rey’s was. He’d only known one other British kid, at Luke’s camp, and his accent had been grating.

Or maybe it had been his personality. He’d been an unapologetic prick. His parents had forced him to the camp, but he’d clearly had no intention of improving himself. Ben had shared a bunk with him, and it had been one of the things that had made him so angry and volatile and miserable back then.

But today wasn’t about the distant past. It wasn’t about Ben’s anger.

It was about regret.

Learning that Kaydel and Thomas were connected had prompted him to get in touch. He’d been planning to anyway, but he had prioritized Rey. Now, with their fragile truce, he could see to other responsibilities.

And this was high on the list.

“Would you like something to drink?” Thomas asked. A little girl with light brown hair was watching TV and tossed them a curious glance. The scent of cooking came from another room, accompanied by the small sounds of someone moving around in the kitchen.

“No, thank you.”

Thomas nodded and led Ben out a back door to a very small yard cluttered with toys. There were some cheap plastic lawn chairs to one side, and Thomas took one of those. Ben moved the other so he could face Thomas and sat, clasping his hands between his knees.

“I owe you an apology,” Ben said to his hands. He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, fighting past his pride and tapping into the remorse he felt every time he thought about what he’d done to this boy. He might not have physically injured him, but he had betrayed a trust. “I was a chaperone. It was my job to protect you, and I did precisely the opposite.” He lifted his eyes resolutely to Thomas’s and set his chin. “I am ashamed of my behavior. On a professional level _and_ a personal one. I’m very sorry for it.”

Thomas examined him for a moment with those big, serious brown eyes, then smiled. It was soft and wry, and it confused Ben. “No hard feelings,” the boy said, holding out his hand.

Ben shook it briefly.

Thomas sat back, expression open, and crossed his legs. “You know about Kaydel and I?”

Ben nodded.

“We met that night because of you.” Thomas tilted his head to one side. “We would have met anyway, what with Rey inviting everyone over so often, but I can’t regret meeting her earlier.” He threw Ben a chiding look. “I don’t like that you convinced Rey that your feelings were platonic when they weren’t. I wouldn’t have dared put myself in your crosshairs if I’d known the truth. Rey convinced me it was fine.”

Ben nodded, acknowledging his fault.

“But I do appreciate that you didn’t actually hurt me.” Thomas shifted and frowned, uncrossing his legs. “I understand now how easy it is to panic and feel threatened when your soulmate pays attention to a… potential rival.” He grimaced. “I’ve had to restrain myself from the urge to be quite rude at times.”

Ben laughed abruptly, rubbing a hand across his face. _Quite rude?_ Was that the British version of enraged? “This would be so much easier if you were an asshole.”

“No, it wouldn’t,” Thomas said with confidence. “You’d feel much more put out about having to apologize.”

“I wouldn’t bother apologizing at all,” Ben replied, running a hand through his hair and sitting back. The plastic creaked under him. These chairs were not quality furniture. He remembered Rey calling him a snob that morning and softened, suddenly eager to get back to her.

Thomas smiled as if he knew something Ben didn’t. “You would if Rey wanted you to,” he said softly. In a more normal tone, he added, “Though I don’t think Rey would be friends with an asshole in the first place.”

“She’s soulmates with one,” Ben said dryly.

Thomas watched him with a small frown, then shrugged. “I don’t know you well enough to say if that’s true or not.”

Ben laughed, unable to express his incredulity any other way. “How are you this nice? Shit.” He laughed again and ran his hand through his hair. Rey would genuinely have been better off with this kid. “Fuck.”

Thomas had a bemused smile on his face, and Ben shook his head at him, not needing any sort of reply. “I guess it makes sense, with Kaydel being your soulmate.” Thomas’s eyes warmed at her name, and Ben’s mouth quirked up on one side. “Right after Rey got hurt at her foster dad’s place, Kaydel went to see her. She wanted to make sure Rey was okay, check in, even though they barely knew each other.” He nodded to himself at the memory. “The list of people I genuinely like isn’t very long, but Kaydel’s on it.” He nodded again, glancing at Thomas. “She’s a good person. I guess it makes sense that you are, too.”

Thomas’s smile warmed further. “She’s amazing.”

Ben stood and held out his hand. “Here’s to having amazing soulmates.”

Thomas stood and took it, eyes crinkling in a grin. “Cheers.”

Ben put his hands in his pockets and cleared his throat, standing awkwardly for a moment. “I’ll get out of your hair. I hope to see you around.” He inclined his head and corrected, “Both of you.”

“Kaydel said she saw you yesterday. I’m glad things are going well.”

Ben nodded, brows pulling together as he thought about all the progress they’d made — and all the work they still had to do. “We’ve been… talking. A lot.”

“I’m glad.”

Ben couldn’t hear any lie in Thomas’s voice, so he nodded his thanks. “It was good to see you, Thomas.”

Thomas nodded. “Thank you for coming. I appreciate it.”

Thomas followed Ben to the front door, and they nodded at each other one more time before Ben went to his car and drove away, finally relaxing and blowing out a breath.

That had been awkward.

But good.

It didn’t wipe away _all_ of the discomfort he felt when he thought about the way he’d treated Thomas, but it eased his guilt. He’d been uncomfortable as fuck facing the kid, but he felt better for having apologized.

Now if only he could fix everything else as easily.

* * *

Rey checked her texts on the way home to find nothing from Ben but one from Lusica asking for more details about yesterday’s date.

 _Not much to tell,_ Rey lied. _We went climbing today. I beat him to the top._

She answered inane details about the climbing until they got home and then perked up when she saw her car in the driveway.

Ben was home.

He’d left before they went to dinner, and she wondered how long his errand had taken. She’d texted him to ask what it was about, but he’d only texted back that he’d tell her later.

When she bounded into the house, Ben appeared from the back, perhaps from his room, and Rey stopped just inside the living room. She felt nervous suddenly, unwilling to throw herself into his arms the way her instincts wanted her to.

She considered and decided it was because of Han and Leia entering behind her. Public she could handle, but for some reason she felt awkward in front of h— _Ben's_ parents.

They weren't hers. They felt like hers, but they were his.

They loved her, though. She reminded herself of that, forced aside the fear that they only loved her because of _him_. Hadn't Leia told her she was family even if things didn't work out with Ben? Hadn't they offered to adopt her? Helped her through her anger and hurt? Stayed even when she crashed The Falcon and attacked their son?

She'd been working all year with Dr. Morehouse on believing she was worthy of love. And part of that process had had to do with trust — trusting Han and Leia not to discard her if she didn't live up to expectations.

And trusting them when they told her that her worth to them was because of herself, not because of their son.

It took only a handful of seconds to recognize her fear and let it go. It wasn't gone permanently, it would come back, but when it did she would send it away again.

Rey took a slow, deep breath. That had been easier than usual. She knew it was Ben's presence, but she didn't know if he made her stronger or if it was as simple as his presence rendering many of her fears regarding Han and Leia moot. She no longer had to worry about their anger if he never came home, or who they would choose if he turned his back on her and forced them to take a side.

“So what was your big important errand?” she asked, walking forward as Ben’s parents hung their jackets up and Leia disappeared to place her keys and purse on the foyer table.

“I went to see Thomas,” he said, head ducked and hands in his pockets.

Oh.

Rey’s first reaction was pride, but she reminded herself that apologizing was something he was _supposed_ to do and therefore not something he needed praise for. But Ben wasn’t the kind of person for whom apologizing came easily, so perhaps he deserved _something_.

“How did it go?” she asked softly, sitting on the couch.

He continued to stand and pulled his hands out of his pockets. “Good. It went well.” He paused, then tossed her a sardonic smile. “He’s a much nicer person than I am.”

Rey snorted a laugh. “He’s a nicer person than me, too.”

Ben sat, too far to touch. “I wouldn’t say that.”

“You’re biased,” she replied, glancing up as Han flopped into his favorite chair and let out a happy sigh. She looked back at Ben, who was still watching his dad, and lowered her voice. “I’m glad you did that.”

He shot her an inscrutable look and shrugged. “I’m not exactly proud of how I handled things.”

“You mean shoving my prom date into a wall?”

She was teasing, but Ben winced, and Rey realized that he really _did_ feel guilty.

She was surprised to find that she hadn’t thought he would. He had a way of admitting he was wrong that felt like he didn’t actually _think_ he was wrong, and she’d just assumed that he didn’t regret as many of his actions as he claimed.

She shot a glance at Han. Leia joined them a moment later, leaning toward Ben and kissing his forehead.

Rey couldn’t broach the subject with them in the room.

Except that she could.

She got out her phone and tapped out a message: _Do you actually feel bad for sidelining me last year, or do you just say that to placate me?_

His phone buzzed, and he pulled it out of his pocket. She watched the way his brows drew together, the frown that tugged at his mouth. He didn’t look angry, more… confused. Maybe hurt.

Shit. She hadn’t meant to hurt him.

She felt a flash of panic when he turned his phone screen off and stood, pocketing it.

“Where are you going?” Leia asked, raising a brow at him.

“Nowhere,” he said. “Back in a minute.”

Rey’s panic intensified as she heard the front door open and shut. When her phone notification sounded, she scrambled to check it.

 _I’ll be back in a few minutes. I need to think._ A moment later, another message. _The lack of privacy is killing me. I wish I’d just stayed in a damn hotel in the first place._

The panic receded to be replaced by guilt. She ought to tell him that it was her fault he was staying with his parents and not in a nice hotel with a bed he could stretch out on. He’d once claimed that he ran on solitude, and he’d gotten very little of it over the past days.

She considered texting back and asking if he was angry with her but decided not to. She’d find out soon enough, and she refused to let her insecurities rule her.

Even though they did a very good job at trying.

“There’s no magic word,” Dr. Morehouse had once told her. “No fairy godmother to make all of your fears go away. It’s hard, patient work. Every time you stop yourself in the middle of a negative thought, every time you remind yourself that those thoughts aren’t rational, it will get a little bit easier. And, one day, you’ll be able to do it without thinking.”

Rey was used to hard work, and she was patient. She loved her therapy sessions because she always left Dr. Morehouse feeling like a life without fear was possible — strong and capable and ready to take on the world. The feeling always faded, but the fade had been getting slower of late.

It was an hour before Ben returned, his eyes going immediately to Rey. He glanced at his parents, watching something with explosions that Han had found, then jerked his head toward the kitchen.

Rey got up and joined him, letting him lead her into the back yard. The living room windows didn’t have a great view into the yard, not like the kitchen, and Leia kept the living room curtains closed most of the time anyway, but he still led her around the side of the house where the fence afforded them privacy and no one could see them from inside unless they went to peek out of Rey’s bedroom window.

He kissed her, firm and deep, then pulled back to take a breath and examine her eyes. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what I could have done differently back then. It’s hard to identify exactly what I should have done — not just what I did wrong but what would have had the best results. Back then, I wasn’t in any place to react rationally to… anything, really, but I’ve come to a few conclusions.

“At the very beginning, that first day, I thought I could just avoid you and that would be it. I didn’t want a sixteen-year-old soulmate, and I figured if we kept our distance everything would be fine.

“Which was stupid and naive. The moment I actually spoke to you to get those papers signed, I felt something. It wasn’t love or lust but just a _pull_ , and I realized how impossible my first assessment was.

“I should have set boundaries right away, as soon as I knew I couldn’t stay away from you, but the point where things went really wrong was on your birthday.”

Rey raised a brow, her voice flat. “You’re just now figuring this out?”

He huffed, clearly unamused. “What I _mean_ is, I should have sat down with you and explained why we couldn’t kiss. I should have explained everything. Up until then, I wasn’t really hurting anything—”

Anger flared, mingling with the ache of remembered pain. “I beg to differ.”

“Rey,” he sighed. “Please let me just get this out.”

 _Fine._ She drew her resentment back into herself and nodded.

“Right then was when I really, _actively_ hurt you. Before that point, it was your own worries, right?”

True enough. His hiding his feelings for her had made her worry, which had hurt, but he hadn’t done anything to reject her before the kiss on her birthday. He’d been nothing but kind, if frustratingly platonic. So she nodded again, arms folded.

“From the first, my instinct was to pull away. And, looking back, I _kept_ trying to pull away from the bond. I never stopped. You gave into it, but I resisted. I fought it.”

She nodded again, slower, his words clicking into place with her memories. Such a simple way of describing what had happened; she was surprised she hadn’t thought of it before. He’d been fighting the natural desire to be close to her, and she’d been confused and hurt and insecure because she’d _wanted_ to be close to him. With all of her heart, she’d wanted it.

“So when you kissed me, I panicked. It triggered all of my fear, _all_ of it, and I ran. And I don’t know if I _could_ have done anything but run, but I _should_ have. And if I didn’t then, I should have after.” He took her hands and looked earnestly into her eyes. “When you came into my classroom to talk to me afterward, I was a dick. I was still trying to push you away, to push _myself_ away. I was angry and frustrated and confused and… and _scared_ , and I took it out on you, and I’m sorry for that. It was wrong.”

Her eyes were wet and her nose burned, but she managed a shaky nod. She didn’t think she could have said it better or with nearly as much clarity. Her anger clouded things sometimes, made it hard to see underneath, but Ben managed to cut to the quick of it, to the _reason_ she was angry. She felt relieved to realize that she _had_ a good reason, that she wasn’t just being a petty bitch.

Ben squeezed her hands, his own eyes glinting as he gazed into hers. “I was a mess. I didn’t see anything going right if I told you the truth, but I should have trusted you anyway. I didn’t. And that was wrong. I was wrong. I did the wrong thing.” He frowned and huffed. “Things.”

Rey’s tears fell down her cheeks. She didn’t know whether to be stern or soft, and she suspected that her face betrayed a mix of both.

Ben looked at her hands in his. “There are a lot of things that could have made it easier on us. And a lot of things that could have made it harder. It’s hard for me to tell what would have helped and what would have hurt, but I know without a doubt that the kiss on your birthday was where I went wrong the most. If I could go back as the man I am now, I would sit down with you after that kiss and explain _everything_. Calmly, rationally. I would let you in. I would ignore my fear and choose to trust you.

“I wasn’t that man then. I wasn’t good enough for you. Maybe I’m still not.” He paused and took a deep, shaky breath. “But I am going to _try_. I’m going to try to be someone you deserve.” He gazed at her, his eyes shining with tears. “You are special. And wonderful. And _far_ above me.”

Rey pretended to consider this, then gave a short nod. “Pretty much.”

They both laughed, the seriousness of the moment easing, and Ben let her hands go to wipe at his wet cheeks. Rey bit her lip up at him, remembering what he’d said when she’d apologized for hitting him.

_It’s in the past._

She hadn’t understood how he could just let it go, but she remembered wanting to be more like him in that way. Able to let go of her hurts that easily.

She took a deep breath, gathering her precarious courage, and breathed, “I forgive you.” If part of her felt like it was a lie, she ignored it. Forgiveness was a choice, _her_ choice, and nothing and no one was going to make this choice for her. If Ben wanted it, if her friends didn’t, it didn’t matter. This was hers alone.

Ben’s eyes snapped to hers, laser-focused, and she couldn’t tell if he was even breathing.

“For lying and hiding things and… and leaving. I forgive you.” Her heart fluttered tremulously in her chest, happy and worried and determined and hopeful all at once. “It still hurts — I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt anymore, but… I forgive you.”

His mouth pressed and trembled, his jaw shifted, and he nodded tightly. But it was his eyes that really gave him away; Rey saw the moment his caution shattered, exposing something desperately vulnerable to her.

She reached up and carefully drew his mouth down to hers. This kiss wasn’t about need or sex or even love.

It was absolution.

When they parted, Ben rested his forehead against hers and swallowed. “Will you come to my room again tonight?” he whispered, eyes searching hers as if he half expected her to refuse.

“Okay,” she whispered back, cheeks warming.

The kiss he pressed on her after that was tender, grateful. Reverent. She felt lighter, having said the words, and more determined than ever to work things out. The past wasn’t erased, but she chose to start letting it go. Not just for him. For herself. She didn’t want to be angry forever. She wanted to move forward until it became nothing more than a bad memory.

When the kiss ended, her head spun for a moment, and Ben’s hands went to her arms to steady her.

“Thank you,” he breathed, squeezing his eyes closed as tears leaked out.

Rey kissed his damp cheeks, and he buried his face in her neck, clutching her shoulders a little too hard. She ignored the discomfort and stroked his hair, seeking to calm his trembling.

When he finally released her, he took her hand and kissed her knuckles.

Rey tugged him toward the back of the house, murmuring, “I’ll send you that quiz Dr. Morehouse gave me. She said we fill it out separately.” She glanced around to make sure they were alone and leaned close to him to whisper, “It’s about sex.”

“Oh,” he said, brows rising. His eyes were a little red, enough that his parents would probably notice. He swallowed, and Rey wondered if he was thinking about next Wednesday. “Okay.”

She led him inside and kept hold of his hand as they entered the living room.

“You kids done making out?” Han asked, smirking at his own cleverness.

Rey flipped Han off the proper way, with two fingers, at the same time that Ben said, “Fuck off, Dad.”

Han only laughed.

Leia shook her head and threw a glance over her shoulder. “Language, sweetie. Have you eaten?”

“Yeah, I picked something up on my way home.”

Rey saw Leia’s eyes flick to their joined hands, but she didn’t say anything, just blinked and turned back to the TV. The room was lit by a single lamp, and Rey curled up against Ben on the couch, dragging a blanket over her legs and pulling out her phone. She found the website Dr. Morehouse had given her and filled in the required information before scanning the quiz instructions and proceeding to the questions.

Her eyes got large as she glanced through them, and she wiggled lower onto the couch, wishing she could coax Ben to touch her.

Instead, she lay her cheek on his arm, inhaled his warm scent, and wished Han and Leia would just go to bed already.

* * *

Ben felt off-balance and clingy, like someone had scoured his insides and left them raw and aching. He tried to hold himself back, not wanting to smother Rey with his neediness, but he needed to touch her, hold her, have a physical connection. He liked that she leaned against him without prompting, savored the easy intimacy after so much tension.

He knew they still had things to work out, he wasn’t stupid enough to think that forgiveness meant their problems would evaporate, but he was so profoundly grateful for the trust she’d put in him, humbled and overwhelmed by her capacity for compassion. His eyes kept welling up, though he managed to keep the tears mostly contained. He was used to crying in therapy, but it was strange having to hold back tears on his parents’ couch.

He _would_ be worthy of her. Some day. Maybe he wasn’t what she deserved, but he was going to try. Every single day, he was going to try.

Rey went to her room before his parents went to bed, taking pieces of his heart with her, and Ben checked the email notification he’d gotten to occupy himself so he wouldn’t trail after her like a lost puppy.

It was a link to the sex quiz she’d mentioned. He sat up straighter, intrigued and pleasantly distracted.

The website gave him instructions which included the line, “Rey has already started the questionnaire and is looking forward to reviewing the results with you.”

Ben clicked to read the first handful of questions and thought, _Oh. So_ that’s _why she left the room._

He got up as casually as he could and left to shut himself in _his_ room.

Every question had four possible answers: “no,” “we already do that,” “if my partner is interested,” and “yes!!” Ben would be amused by the exclamation points except that they made sense on the answers he liked.

Did he want to use mirrors while having sex? Yes!!

Watch Rey masturbate or be watched by her? Yes!!

Thrust his penis between Rey’s breasts? Ben felt as if the yes option wasn’t enthusiastic _enough_ about that one.

He answered in the affirmative to everything he wanted and everything he was willing to try. Really, most of the answers appealed to him because the thought of doing them with _Rey_ was more arousing than the acts themselves.

He passed over a few things, like shaving each other and being called names. He checked “if my partner is interested” for sex on her period but grimaced at the idea of going down on her during her period. If she really wanted it, he supposed he’d consider it later, but just then it sounded unsanitary.

He swallowed hard and glanced at the door to make sure he’d locked it as he got to the questions about coming on her and in her mouth. He answered in the affirmative, though he thought she wouldn’t be too keen on the idea of swallowing his sperm. The quiz said it would only show them the answers they matched up on, though, so he figured it wouldn’t hurt to hit yes on that one.

On the section about toys, he quickly answered “if my partner is interested” on everything. He had to think for a while about a butt plug for himself, and his hand hovered over no for a few seconds before he sighed and hit “if my partner is interested.”

 _I’m so whipped,_ he decided. Oddly, the thought amused him, and he found himself smiling as he continued to the BDSM section, the first question making him snort.

Okay, so he didn’t want to be _literally_ whipped. He hit no on that one, yes on hair pulling and blindfolds, and “if my partner is interested” on restraints, ear plugs, dominance, submission, orgasm denial, and other things he’d never have considered on his own but would be open to try at least once, just to see.

When he got to the questions at the bottom of the BDSM section, he sent a horrified text to Rey: _Genital torture?! Seriously?!_

His phone buzzed a minute later with her reply.

_LOL. I said no on that one. I guess it’s a thing?_

He shook his head, smiling. _WHY is it a thing? That is my question._

_What’s your favorite so far?_

Ben shifted, his jeans too tight. He’d been hard since the question about fucking Rey’s tits. It got to him, how the quiz used her name in all the questions instead of something more vague and clinical. It made him imagine doing those things specifically _with her_ , not some faceless woman.

 _It seems I’m willing to try most things at least once, if they’re something you want._ He bit his lip and added, _Not genital torture, though. I love you, but… Jesus. Who does that?_

_LOL_

He went back to the questionnaire but got another text from Rey and swallowed hard when he checked it.

_I want to ball gag you._

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

He tapped the empty box and shakily typed, _I want you to._

_Fuck, Ben._

His breathing picked up. _I want to eat you out again._

_Ball gag might get in the way of that._

_We can figure out logistics later. Let me finish this thing so we can go over it properly._

_;)_

The next section was anal play. He wasn’t interested for himself, but he put “if my partner is interested” for some of the tamer options.

The group section annoyed him. He hated the idea of sharing her, and she’d said she didn’t want to share him, either, so he felt comfortable answering no on everything.

For the public section, even though he liked the _idea_ of fondling her in a theater or having sex with her in a car, he didn’t think he’d _actually_ be comfortable with those things, so he wound up answering no to most of the questions.

He got through the fetish section with equal discomfort, selecting either no or “if my partner wants,” because if Rey really truly needed him to use his feet or piss on her, he would.

He _hoped_ she didn't want it, though.

He tapped the button to submit his results.

 _Done,_ he texted her, then clicked the results and perused them. He was pleased to note that she'd answered “if my partner is interested” on fucking her tits and coming on her face and neck.

He was _very_ interested. He had a hard, aching interest straining at his jeans.

She'd put yes on oral, both giving and receiving, and Ben groaned and palmed himself through the thick denim as he imagined her soft wet mouth wrapping around him.

Fuck.

Why had he asked to put this off, again?

Right. His parents. And… other reasons? He couldn't quite remember the other reasons just then. They didn't seem terribly important.

There was her yes on ball gags. He was interested to see that she'd put yes on being gagged, as well. And restraints, both restraining and being restrained.

He scrolled to the fetish section and noted with relief that she seemed to have no interest in feet or urine.

A soft tapping on his door had him up and wrenching it open. Rey looked startled on the other side, and Ben supposed he must look a bit wild. He stepped back to let her in, closed and locked the door behind her, and spun her into a kiss. He poured every horny thought he'd had answering that damn quiz into the kiss, letting her know with lips and tongue and teeth how badly it had wound him up.

She kissed him back, hands in his hair, and then she pulled, hard, and Ben gasped into her mouth.

“You marked that you wanted more hair-pulling,” she murmured with a cheeky grin when he pulled back an inch to stare at her. Then she shrugged and blushed, releasing him. “I only glanced at the results. Want to go over them together.” She waved her phone at him, and he led her over to the bed. She was in one of his old shirts again and soft shorts beneath, her feet bare, and he sat up against his headboard and let Rey settle between his legs with her back to his chest and her phone in her hand. He tucked her under his chin and wrapped his arms around her.

 _This_ was perfect. Every needy instinct settled down and purred, delighted to have her in his arms. (If his happiness had a lecherous edge to it, well, it was Rey’s fault for sending him the damn quiz.)

Rey scrolled through their results, and Ben moved his chin to her shoulder so he could look, too. He pointed at one toward the top. “I would really like to try that.”

Rey bit her lip, brows furrowing. “I’m not sure that would work. I mean… they’re pretty small.” She sounded self-conscious as she glanced down at her chest.

“Let’s see,” he murmured, working a hand under his old shirt and up until he could cup a breast. He frowned and squeezed experimentally, as if he was judging size and weight. “Hmm. I think we can make it work.”

Rey was breathing more heavily, and she swallowed as he returned his chin to her shoulder, watching her profile carefully as he left his hand where it was to tease and tweak at her nipple. He knew his arousal was pressed against the small of her back, knew she could feel it.

“You said something about gagging me,” he reminded her in a low murmur.

Rey nodded shakily and slid her gaze his way. “You have beautiful lips,” she whispered, her eyes dropping to them. “And who _hasn't_ wanted to shut you up?”

Ben snorted and hid his laughter in her shoulder. “I doubt anyone else ever considered a ball gag for it.”

Rey shrugged, jostling him, and gasped when he pinched her nipple. Her hand came up almost reflexively, covering his through the soft cotton. She seemed distracted by his hand moving under the cloth. “It doesn't have to be a ball gag. It could be a scarf or a tie… or a sock.” She tossed him a wry look that was clearly teasing.

“So long as it's a clean sock.”

“So… you don't hate the idea?”

Ben raised a brow at her. “It's highly preferable to genital torture.”

Rey tipped her head back and laughed. When she calmed, she rubbed at her eyes, still grinning. “What _isn't_?”

Ben felt a warm glow. They had an inside joke. It was nice. He'd never had one of those with anyone but family, and this one was _just_ theirs. It wasn't like either of them were going to go talk to their friends about genital torture.

Well, _he_ wasn't. He realized after a moment that Rey might have more than one person she could talk to about sex.

Trying not to let the little spurt of panic leak into his voice, he said, “You won't tell anyone about any of this, will you?”

She blinked at him, surprised. “No, of course not.”

He nodded and lowered the hand from her breast to wrap both arms around her waist. “Neither will I.” He hesitated, then added, “I don't want anyone else knowing what… what goes on between us.”

Rey nodded and touched his arms with her free hand. “Okay.”

Ben hugged her, grateful. “Thank you.”

They returned to the list.

“You said yes to blowjobs,” he murmured next to her ear.

Rey bit her lip and slid her eyes his way. “I might have to work my way up to that. I’ve never even, you know… _seen_ one before. It’s a little intimidating.”

He nodded. “Of course. We can go as slow as you want.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course we can. You’re basically a human glacier.”

“Am I?” he said, lids lowering as he slid a hand under her shorts to touch her through her underwear. “Am I cold, Rey? Cold and slow and unfeeling?”

Rey squirmed against him and leaned harder against his chest, arching her back. She gasped softly and turned her face to kiss him, panting against his mouth.

He bit her ear and whispered into it, dark delicious things that he wanted to do to her and wanted her to do to him. He smiled faintly when she urged his hand beneath her underwear, pressing it where she wanted it, and he obliged, touching her slow and easy. He could hear his parents in the living room, and he glanced at the door to make sure he’d locked it.

Yes. Good. He leaned so he could see her face, the way she bit her lip and her eyes snapped closed when something felt especially good. He didn’t alter his speed, just kept steadily pushed her higher and higher until she started to buck her hips against his fingers. He slipped his middle finger inside her and continued to gently rub with his thumb. He swallowed as he watched her, his breath audible as she panted as quietly as she could.

She whimpered when she got close, and Ben gently covered her mouth with his free hand, reassured that she’d selected yes for gags. He hunched over her, breathing raggedly against her ear, and a few minutes later she arched and moaned into his palm, her nails digging into his thighs.

He removed his hands and watched her face as she slumped against him. He would never get tired of seeing her like this.

“Am I still a glacier, Rey?” he murmured, kissing the side of her head.

“Forget what I said,” she panted. “Just…” She waved a hand. “Forget it.”

He smiled against her hair and wrapped his arms around her. “What’s next on the list?”

“Give me a minute. My brain is mush right now.”

Ben hummed and obliged, pressing kisses along her throat as she came down. He could be patient.

When she caught her breath, she picked her phone up where it had fallen to the side and unlocked it.

“Rough sex,” she said in a voice husky from their recent activities. She turned her face to his, eyes flickering over his expression. “What’s your take?”

“Well, we haven’t had sex yet,” he pointed out, resting his chin on her shoulder. “But I could probably handle you being rough.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re built like a house, of course you can handle it.” She looked back at her phone. “I’m not sure what I’m going to want.”

“We can keep it in mind, and if you want me to be rougher or gentler, I can adjust. Just let me know.”

“You, too,” she said firmly. “If I do anything you don’t like, you need to tell me.”

“Deal.” He nodded at her phone. “Those next two are something I definitely want to do.”

Rey flushed. “Oh. Yeah, um. Okay.” Her brow furrowed. “Seems messy.”

Ben nuzzled her ear. “I think that’s the point,” he whispered.

She squeaked and shivered and scrolled to the next section. “Looks like you were less sure about toys.” She glanced up at him. “I have a dildo, you know.”

Ben’s brows went up. “Oh?”

She nodded, her cheeks pink. “I’ve had it for a while.”

He leaned in and kissed her neck, his voice dropping despite himself. She might have gotten off, but he was still hard and going over the damn quiz wasn’t helping anything. “Do I get to use it on you?”

She sighed, going soft in his arms as he continued to kiss along her throat. “I think I’d prefer the real thing.”

Ben closed his eyes and whispered, “Fuck,” against her skin.

“Yes. We will,” she said with a small smile, her eyes closed and head tipped to the side to expose her neck to him. Ben licked a stripe up her throat and nipped her ear, making her gasp.

She let out a soft laugh. “Foreplay,” she said, keeping her voice down. “Check.”

He smiled against her neck.

She lifted a hand and ran her fingers through his hair, pulling his mouth more firmly against her skin. “Hmm. You checked that you want a lap dance, but I’m not seeing any lap dance for me.”

“I don’t dance,” he reminded her. “And you don’t have to, I just said yes to a lot of things that sounded good.”

“Being woken up with sex,” she said, tossing him a shy glance and biting her lip. Her hand in his hair tugged lightly. “Kind of sounds fun.”

“Any kind of sex with you sounds fun,” he admitted.

Yup. Whipped.

And he couldn’t care less.

They kept going, discussing their answers one by one as she threaded her fingers gently through his hair in a gesture he found incredibly soothing. She admitted that she didn’t have a bondage kink, but the idea of having him completely at her mercy intrigued her. And she felt it was only fair to let him bind her, as well. “Equal opportunity,” she informed him, turning to brush her lips against his.

She frowned at the many “if my partner wants” on the other BDSM questions, and Ben examined her expression carefully. Finally, she asked, “Is there any of this you’re interested in?”

He squeezed her waist. “Nothing in particular, no. It’s all very negotiable.”

“I’m not seeing genital torture,” she said, giving him a disapproving look. “Where’s our genital torture, Ben?”

He grinned against the black cotton covering her shoulder. “I must have misclicked.”

She huffed and shook her head, but he could see the laughter trying to turn the corners of her mouth up. “Must have.”

There wasn’t much to cover in the anal play section. Rey admitted that she didn’t know how she felt about it, and Ben told her he didn’t want it for himself but would try to accommodate her if she wanted to experiment.

“I’m not going to judge you if you do,” he added, looking at her. “Not for anything you ask for. You know that, right?”

She rubbed the tips of her fingers against his scalp. Her smile was soft. “I know.”

He wasn’t expecting her to laugh when she scrolled to the empty group section and then the empty public section.

“Wow,” she said. “That’s… huh.”

He hunched his shoulders slightly, worried. “Some of the public things sounded good on paper, but I don’t think I’d be comfortable with them.”

She turned her head to look at him and rubbed her fingers against his scalp again. “That’s fine.” Then, because he either had a terrible poker face (true) or because she simply knew him too well, she added, “You don’t have to feel bad about the things you don’t want to do.”

He relaxed slightly, still worried until she caught his lips with hers. She didn’t let him go until his brain was thoroughly muddled.

“No fetishes,” she noted. “Cool.”

“Did you have any?” he asked abruptly, nervous. “I said no to most of them, but if there’s something you really need we can talk about it.”

“Not a one,” she said, and she sounded certain enough to allay any guilt he might have had for denying her the chance to have sex covered in pie.

Perhaps he should have put “if my partner wants” on that one, too.

“And we’re done,” she announced, turning her phone’s screen off and taking her hand from his hair to set the device on the bedside table.

“Good,” he murmured, and the moment her phone was out of her hands he flipped her beneath him and kissed her, notching his knee between her thighs as his tongue probed at her lips. She opened her mouth, and he deepened the kiss, leaning on his elbows as he cupped her face and stroked her hair.

When he lifted his head, Rey’s eyes looked dazed, her lips pink and swollen. They were both breathing hard.

Rey placed her hands on his waist and tugged until his hips were flush with hers. “You already helped me,” she breathed, eyes dark. “My turn to help you.”

He caught his breath as she rolled her hips to rub against him, sending flares of heat up his spine. He rutted lightly back against her, then grimaced. “Hang on.”

Rey stopped, looking worriedly up at him, and he kissed her mouth to reassure her, speaking as he pushed himself off the bed. “Denim is too rough for this. Let me change.”

He preferred not to chafe his dick.

Now _that_ was genital torture. He grinned to himself as he grabbed his soft pajama pants and went into the bathroom to change. He wouldn't mind changing in front of Rey, but he didn't know if it would bother her. She might have set a date for sex, but he didn't want to presume.

He brushed his teeth while he was in there, certain he wouldn't want to get back up to do it after.

When he returned, Rey was curled on her side with her eyes closed. She opened them sleepily as he approached, and he smiled and brushed her hair back from her eyes.

“Sorry,” she said, stretching with a little groan.

“Don't worry about it,” he murmured, enjoying the sight of her drowsy and sweet in his bed.

His _childhood_ bed, yes, but at least his mother had bought solid color sheets to replace the rocket ship ones he used to have.

Small mercies.

He climbed over her to lie with his back to the wall and tugged Rey against his chest. She settled in against him but looked over her shoulder with a sleepy little frown. “We didn't take care of you yet.”

He kissed her nose. “I'm fine. Let's just sleep, okay?” He was happy to just hold her, satisfied that her needs had been met.

Her frown deepened like she didn't quite believe him. “Are you sure?”

“I'm sure, sweetheart.” He tucked her head under his chin. “Rest.”

* * *

It was very dark when Ben woke from a vividly erotic dream to realize that it hadn't _all_ been a dream. Rey was pressing back against his groin, rubbing sinuously against him. He gasped into her hair at the next pass and groaned, clutching her hip.

“You're awake,” she murmured, casting a heavy-lidded glance over her shoulder.

“Was I supposed to sleep through it?” he asked shakily.

She wiggled onto her back and tugged him over her. Ben, still half asleep, went gladly, slotting himself between her thighs and shifting against her, slow and warm and aroused.

She sucked in a breath at his first little thrust, then tipped her head back and moaned. It wasn't her cake moan, it was… _fuck_ , it was so much hotter.

He swallowed, the sound loud in the dark, and he registered the quiet of the house beyond.

She pulled his mouth down to hers. They kissed, sleepy and tender, until Ben was on edge and Rey was gasping and whimpering beneath him, raising her hips desperately against his. His arms were shaking, holding himself above her, but it wasn't from _physical_ strain.

“Rey,” he groaned against her mouth.

She whined deep in her throat. “I want to move it up.”

“Move what up?” he asked, dazed and trying to hold out for her.

“Sex.” She said it in a breathy tone that had him pulsing, and he had to stop for a moment to keep from coming. “Tomorrow?”

Ben pressed his face into her shoulder and tried to breathe. “Okay.”

“Really?” She sounded surprised.

He nodded against her shoulder, her hair tickling his face. When he'd wanted to wait, he'd been thinking twenty-four to forty-eight hours, but he hadn't wanted to argue with the day she'd chosen. “Yeah.”

Her breath caught, and then he felt one of her hands questing downward and had to bite his lip hard when she cupped him through his sleep pants.

“Rey,” he hissed, lifting his head and touching her nose with his. “I can’t— I—”

She drew her hand away with a disappointed little, “Oh. Sorry.”

Ben grabbed her retreating hand and squeezed it. “I can’t last long if you do that. I didn’t mean you should stop.”

“Oh,” she said. Her touch this time was more tentative, but he still groaned into the quiet room. “This is okay?” she asked, her breathing unsteady.

“More than,” he husked, eyes shut as he fought to last as long as he could. Her touch firmed, and he dipped his head to kiss her. “Rey,” he gasped, thrusting automatically into her hand. “I’m close. I— I—” And then it was too late, he was coming with a low cry, soaking his boxers with hot wet spend.

When he opened his eyes, he saw Rey staring up at him in the darkness, her lips parted. “Did you just—?”

He nodded, lightheaded. “Yeah.”

She continued to stare. “Wow.”

He slumped half on her, half off, unable to support himself any longer. He wanted to tell her it had been amazing, to thank her, to return the favor, but his brain refused to form the words. All he could manage to say was, “Yeah. Wow.”

They breathed quietly together as Ben regained his senses, Rey’s hand running soothingly along his arm where it lay draped across her. He nuzzled behind her ear, and she wiggled as if it tickled, making him smile.

“Give me a minute,” he said when he could speak again. “I’ll change and then take care of you.” In case she didn’t catch his meaning, he dipped his hand between her legs and lightly stroked her over her shorts.

Rey shivered beneath him, her voice breathy. “Okay.”

He wanted to tell her how much he appreciated her touch, how she didn’t have to do it, how he understood that she chose to, how he didn’t deserve it but loved her for it, how lucky he was to have her, how unworthy he was of her forgiveness and how grateful he was to receive it anyway. He wanted her to know that he was the luckiest man in the world to have her in his life, and even though the universe might have fucked their lives up by introducing them when it did, he would rather have her with all the pain and misery than live a day without her.

All of those thoughts were tangled together and stuffed into a single feeling as Ben rode the high of his afterglow, and the only words that felt anywhere near what he wanted to say fell out of his mouth. “I love you.”

Rey kissed his face. “I love you, too.”

She didn’t understand. She didn’t know what he was trying to say, what he couldn’t get his exhausted, endorphin-saturated brain to spit out.

Ah, well. He’d have years to find the words. For now, he could show her.

He lifted himself off, reluctant to leave her warmth but uncomfortable in his damp boxers, and went to clean up.

When he returned, more awake than he had been, he sat beside her and trailed his knuckles down her cheek. He wanted to give her the world, but he’d have to settle for this. “Lie back.”

He hooked his fingers in the waist of her shorts, fumbling against her soft skin until he found the band of her underwear and tugged both slowly down and off her legs, giving her plenty of time to object if she wanted to.

She merely raised her hips to assist.

His heart was pounding, the room too dark to see more than the ghostly shape of her limbs against the dark sheets, and he ran his hand lightly up the inside of her leg until he reached the top. He had to go by feel, brushing his fingers over her and inside her, finding his way as Rey made soft, encouraging noises and dropped her thighs open.

When he brushed the right spot searching for her clit, she arched her back and gasped. “I have a kink the quiz didn’t ask about.”

Ben’s brain stuttered, his chest constricting as his muscles seized in interest, but he tried to keep his voice steady. “Oh?”

She swallowed and nodded, raising her head to look at him. “You.”

The air left Ben’s chest in a rush, and he felt lightheaded again. “Me?”

She nodded.

He climbed on the bed and drew her legs over his shoulders, voice low. “Open up, sweetheart.”

* * *

“More,” Rey gasped. She grabbed Ben’s hair, yanking his face tighter against her. “Ben, _please_!”

“Shh,” he murmured with a chuckle, lifting his head just enough to look at her over her stomach. “We aren’t alone in the house.”

Rey winced. She’d forgotten. It was so easy to forget everything with Ben down there doing… doing _things_ with his tongue, things that made her eyes roll back and her legs writhe and her heart race. “Right,” she panted. Then, because she couldn’t think of anything more eloquent to say, she repeated, “Right.”

He’d been down there for half an hour, and Rey would feel self-conscious except that he kept making pleased noises every time she reacted.

She gripped his hair again, trying to keep herself moored as he ran his tongue around her clit. “You’re amazing,” she babbled. “ _God_ , you’re so amazing. This is perfect, you’re perfect, don’t stop, _please_.” He chuckled against her, and she tugged harder. “You should do this more often. All the time.”

“Every night if you want,” he replied, his voice muffled. “Now hush. You’re distracting me.”

She bopped him lightly on top of the head, and he shot her what was maybe a glare. Or maybe a sexy look. It was hard to tell. “I can talk if I want to,” she said, arching her back as he returned to his work.

He grunted and lapped at her in reply.

Rey lost track of time after that, and she stuffed her hand into her mouth when she finally came against her soulmate’s mouth.

She turned on her side after, boneless and tired, and Ben climbed up behind her to stretch along her back and wrap her in his arms, the only safe way for them both to sleep on the narrow bed.

“You’re my kink, too,” he whispered softly against her ear, lips pressing against the tender skin just below.

It wasn’t the first time he’d made her cry, but it was probably the nicest.


	35. Finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[[Clean Version](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/183323276810/clean-version-soul-searching-ch35)]**
> 
> Chapter title is all kinds of puns.
> 
> This chapter isn't perfect, but it's good enough. [Reyloandotherfandoms](https://reyloandotherfandoms.tumblr.com/) helped me weed out some of the most embarrassing mistakes, and for that she has my thanks. :)
> 
> If you haven't been stalking my [Tumblr](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/), I'll catch you up: this one was slow because of holidays, birthdays, various plagues including vomiting and infections, bitterly cold snow days that cancelled school b/c your face could freeze off (no joke, frostbite on exposed skin after a few minutes) which kept my kids home, the first anniversary trip we've taken in about a decade, and I got hooked on Anne Bishop and read all of her Others books in a row. Also, I'm slow at writing sex scenes. They're harder than straight-up plot. So that is why this chapter took months.
> 
> Okay, that's more than enough from me.

For the first time in her life, Rey knew why kids in movies jumped straight out of bed on Christmas morning. The excitement humming through her blood got her up fast and too early for any sane human being. Ben just grunted and rolled over to go back to sleep when she dislodged the arm he’d draped over her (though that _might_ have had more to do with jetlag).

Rey changed into her workout clothes and went out back to practice with her bo staff, her blood singing with the activity. Her mind and body were in harmony, and she moved in a seamless flow.

She caught herself smiling and realized she was _happy_. Not just excited for the day ahead but truly happy to be in a place with herself that let her relax a little, where she could enjoy having Ben home without all their baggage ruining it.

It was amazing how even the smallest bit of weight falling off her shoulders made her feel like a new person.

When she felt the ache start in her muscles, she set her staff down and began to stretch, only then spotting Ben watching her from the back door. She gave a little wave, and he opened the door, expression inscrutable as he made his way over to her.

Rey straightened and grinned up at him, too happy to hide it. “Hi.”

He didn’t respond, instead bending to press his lips to hers. He deepened it almost immediately, and Rey could tell that she’d managed to work him up again, like with the punching bag. This seemed more intense, though. More impulsive, as if he couldn’t stop himself. Ben rarely showed her this side of himself, when he let his instincts override his self-control, and she decided to commit it to memory. Every pant and lick, the way his hands roamed over her, the way he tried to press closer without taking his mouth from hers.

When he finally stopped, he continued to press their foreheads together, his hands on her hips, refusing to stop touching her entirely. They were both short of breath, but Ben had little tremors running through him.

“Tonight?” he asked softly. “You still want to?”

Rey’s brows rose, and she blinked at him. “Yes,” she said. “Of course.”

He nodded, eyes closing as he took a breath. “Okay. I’ll make reservations.”

Rey lifted on her tiptoes to kiss him again, bubbly with the heady mix of happiness and desire. “I love you.”

He swooped to catch her mouth and went slowly this time, a seduction.

Rey let herself be seduced, knowing this was only an appetizer for what would be the main course that evening.

When he released her again, Rey felt dazed. His eyes searched hers, his chest rose and fell, and his mouth trembled.

She looked up at him. “Can we go to the hotel right now?”

A small smile cracked onto his face. “Most places don’t allow check-in until the afternoon.”

Rey refused to let up. “Can we go as soon as they do?”

The smile spread into a grin. “If you want.”

She pulled his face down and kissed him again. She wasn’t an expert at it, maybe too enthusiastic, but he didn’t seem to mind, even groaning into her mouth.

“I'll make the reservations now,” he murmured when she released him.

Rey grinned, and he stopped and stared with a smile of his own. “What?” she asked.

“I love your smile.”

She shoved him lightly. “Go find us a place to have sex, already.”

Ben laughed, and Rey grinned as she watched him go.

* * *

She showered — Ben might not mind kissing her when she's sweaty and gross, but Rey preferred to be clean — and went to her closet wrapped in a towel to try and decide what to wear. As she stood there, a text came through.

_3PM check in. You’ll want an overnight bag._

Rey smiled, then pulled up Lusica’s contact info and texted, _Luce. Which of my outfits makes me look older?_

Lusica must not have been right beside her phone just then, because it took maybe twenty minutes before Rey got a reply and she’d already packed a small bag with her toothbrush, hairbrush, and pajamas. Though she hoped she wouldn’t need the latter.

_Another date?_

Rey picked her phone up off the bed where she’d left it and dithered on how to answer that. She settled for misdirection. _We’ll be seen in public, and I don’t want anyone to think I’m a kid._

 _Including a Mr. Tall Dark and Hottie? I got you. ;)_ A few seconds of ellipses, and a followup came through. _Want me to come over and do your makeup? I’m an artiste. You wouldn’t be the first friend I’ve had to add a few years onto._

Rey considered, but she thought Lusica here in her bedroom would be able to pry a lot more details out of her than Lusica texting.

_I think I can manage. Thanks, though._

_Anytime, babe._ A minute later, more texts came through. _The black wrap dress, and curl your hair. Dark lipstick. Black eyeliner. The sexy black heels you hate, but practice walking in them first. If that doesn’t work, your black ankle boots._

Rey nodded, deciding to try the outfit on and send a picture to Lusica for review.

 _Hot_ , Lusica replied. _Add a necklace. That long gold one._

Rey obliged and sent another picture.

_Perfect._

Rey smiled and took everything off, laying it out to change into later but keeping the heels on with her shorts and t-shirt to practice walking in them. She was teetering around her bedroom when another text came through from Luce.

_Don’t forget to shave._

Rey looked down at her legs. She’d shaved the day before, but it wouldn’t hurt to go over her legs again. Especially since Ben would probably be touching them. A lot.

She shivered and smiled to herself.

A light knock on her door had her calling, “Come in!”

Ben opened it and paused in the doorway to level a frown at her feet. “What are you doing?”

Rey took a shaky step, eyes on the carpet. “Trying not to fall over.”

“Why?” He glanced toward the clothes on her bed, taking them in.

“Lusica suggested I wear them tonight.” She paused and frowned. “Today?” Still not quite right. “This afternoon.”

He raised a brow, frown deepening into something distressed. “You told her?”

Rey blinked and met his eye, blushing when she realized the problem. “No. She… she thinks it’s a date.”

He nodded, body relaxing. “Ah.” He continued to watch her. “Are you sure you’re not going to break an ankle in those?”

“Nope.”

“Maybe you should wear something else?” he suggested, making it a question.

“I will if I can't figure these stupid things out.”

He pressed his lips into an unhappy line. “You're going to hurt yourself.”

Rey snorted. “I'm a big girl, I think I can handle a pair of heels without breaking anything.”

He shifted into the room, closing the door softly behind him, and the air became charged as he put his hands on her hips and leaned down to kiss her neck. “I just don't want you in pain while I'm taking you.”

Rey closed her eyes against the feel of his mouth on her skin, and she gripped his hair.

“That's cute,” she murmured, maneuvering him until his legs were against the edge of the bed. “That you think you're the one who'll be doing the taking.”

As she spoke, she pushed his chest so that he fell back, then crawled up to straddle him.

Ben blinked at her in surprise, then started laughing. He tugged her down with him, his unrestrained laughter making her laugh as well, and soon they couldn’t quite catch their breath. Every time they looked at each other, it would start all over again.

When they calmed down, Ben released her so she could roll off of him and curl against his side.

“I thought you said you weren’t into domination,” he murmured, still smiling.

She lifted onto her elbow to grin down at him. “Not wanting to dominate you doesn’t mean I don’t want to be on top.”

His smile grew as he rolled on top of her, pressing her into the bed with his weight. He nipped lightly at her ear. “We’ll have to trade off.”

Rey wrapped her thighs around him, tugging him closer, and they shifted together on the bed, gently grinding. The room was quiet except for their breath and the soft rustle of cloth. It wasn’t enough to come, but it made her want more. They couldn’t have more, though. She could hear Ben’s parents moving around upstairs.

Ben pulled his hips away and dropped a kiss on her lips, calling a halt without a word. She knew he was worried about doing anything with his parents awake. Getting caught would be mortifying.

When Rey put her feet on the floor, she snorted.

She was still wearing those ridiculous shoes.

Ben helped her take them off and massaged her soles, kneeling on the floor in front of her with her foot on his thigh. Rey let out a groan, and his eyes flicked warningly up at her.

She clamped her teeth together and didn’t let another noise slip out.

“I don’t think I want to wait around here all morning,” he murmured. He met her eye, still rubbing her foot. “Do you want to run an errand with me? Kill some time before the hotel?”

She pulled her foot away and leaned forward to kiss him. “Yes. Please.”

* * *

Ben needed to visit the storage unit where his parents had moved all his things from his apartment. He needed more clothes. Most of the ones in his bag were too heavy for American summers.

Rey drove, slipping sneakers on with her shorts and t-shirt. He liked her in these clothes better than those ridiculous heels she’d practiced walking in. Having to keep an eye on her to make sure she didn’t turn her ankle wasn’t Ben’s idea of a sexy or relaxing evening.

He liked it best when Rey felt comfortable in her clothes, like now. She moved without self-awareness, easy and relaxed as she turned into the storage facility, and Ben entered the code his mother had given him for the lot’s gate.

There were cameras posted around the lot and a car parked in front of the open management office. A pair of kids played close to the building, looking up as Ben and Rey drove past.

He gave her the unit number, and she pulled into the empty row. Maybe two other cars were in the lot, unit doors rolled up as people dug around inside.

Ben removed the padlock and pulled the metal door up so Rey could step inside.

He huffed an aggravated sigh as he saw the way it’d been packed. His couch sat right in front so he’d have to climb over it to get to anything in the back. “Ten bucks says my dad organized this,” he muttered.

Rey clambered over first, Ben following with a grumble.

“At least things are labeled,” Rey murmured, leaning over to check some boxes.

“Mm,” he agreed, distracted by the extra skin her bending exposed. He tossed a glance toward the front of the unit, but they were far enough inside that the cameras couldn’t see anything, so he dipped his hand to her thigh and ran it up under her shorts.

Instead of startling, Rey arched her back and tossed a look over her shoulder that made his breath catch in his throat.

She spread her feet, leaning lower so her ass pressed up against his hand.

The invitation was clear.

He stepped into her hips, nestling his rising dick against her ass, and nudged her so she was bent flush over a stack of boxes, leaning over her and threading the fingers of his left hand through hers.

“Ben,” she whispered, squirming. He grunted at the friction and thrust against her, panting into her hair. She turned her head to the side, eyes half-closed, and he brushed his mouth across her cheek, grazing her cheekbone. “We should close the…” She gestured vaguely toward the open entrance, her voice breathy. “Thing.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, unable to pull away just yet. Instead, he wormed his right hand under her and squeezed her tit, eliciting a delightful moan from her lips as he thrust again. Sensation shot up his spine with every shift of his body against hers, and she rocked her hips back, helping.

“Ben,” she whimpered. “Please. I need to be naked.”

He gasped out a breath, then released her and stood on shaky legs. He ran a hand over his face and made his way to the front, climbing over the couch with a little more difficulty this time, and pulled the door closed.

The interior of the unit went dark, dim hints of sunshine leaking around the edges of the door, giving enough light to make out shapes and minimal color. Ben turned and blinked at the sudden brightness of Rey’s flashlight app as she used her phone to light her way to the couch. Ben helped her over the back and submitted as she pulled him into a furious kiss.

Rey discarded her phone onto some boxes. The flashlight app was still on so that it cast diffuse light across them, letting him make out the rosiness of her lips as she broke the kiss to pull her shirt and bra off in one smooth motion. Ben helped with her shorts and panties as she toed off her shoes.

She made him sit and straddled his lap, gloriously naked on top of him, kissing him as his hands roamed her. “I want you,” she murmured against his lips, her hands pulling at his shirt. “Please, Ben. Please. I need you.”

His brain was working at half-capacity, but he managed to ask, “What about—?”

“We can wait for the hotel if you want,” she said, her mouth trailing hot over his face, brushing across the places she’d bruised him and pressing kisses to the rest. “It’s up to you.” She snagged his hand and pressed his fingers into her, rocking desperately against it even as she placed her hands back onto his shoulders. “But you’re getting me off, okay? I need it. I need you.” Her face twisted as he pressed two fingers inside and flicked her clit. “Ben,” she whined, her eyes closing.

“Fuck,” he muttered.

He wanted her.

Here, surrounded by _his_ things, on _his_ couch, with the dusty smell of books and cardboard mingling in the summer air; here with no lock on the door and strangers driving by, he wanted her.

It wasn’t his mother’s house. It wasn’t a bed hundreds of other people had had sex in.

It was the remnants of his apartment.

His soulmate was writhing naked on his lap.

And he was going to fucking take her.

Ben fumbled with his pants, Rey stopping to look when he removed his fingers from her to use both hands.

She turned a little pale when he bobbed free, so Ben rubbed his palms up and down her arms and concentrated on her face.

“You okay?” he asked.

She nodded, swallowing. Her eyes stayed on his naked dick. “Yeah, just…” She frowned slightly. “It’s kinda ugly.”

He dropped his head back, exasperated. “It’s not supposed to be pretty.” Then he huffed a laugh — because what the fuck else was he supposed to do? — and lifted his head to examine her expression. “It’s functional,” he said and glanced down at it, wishing she didn’t look quite so apprehensive. He kept rubbing her arms, unwilling to go further until he knew she was comfortable. “That’s all it needs to be.”

Rey lifted her eyes to his. He held her gaze for a long moment, searching, until she buried her face in his neck and slid her hands under his arms to grip his shoulders from behind. “Put it in me,” she whispered, and he might have hesitated if he’d heard even a trace of doubt in her voice.

But she didn’t sound uncertain. She sounded sure.

Ready.

Horny.

Ben held her hips and helped her position herself, and then together they lowered her down, her body sliding until she was full and gasping.

“Fuck,” she whispered, lifting her head from his neck. Her eyes were wide and unfocused, pupils blown. She parted her lips, her small tits with their pretty nipples rising and falling with each breath.

“Yeah,” he agreed in a strangled voice.

She felt… better than anything he’d ever imagined. He didn’t have words for it. Soft and warm and wet and perfect. Like every masturbatory act he’d ever engaged in had been a pale attempt at replicating _this_ and he hadn’t even known it.

Heat tore through Ben’s body, sweat breaking out on his forehead and under his pits. He sat up slightly to tug on his shirt, and Rey released his shoulders long enough for him to pull it off. He wished he could remove his pants, too, but every cell rebelled against the idea of leaving Rey’s body, so he just kicked his shoes off and gripped her hips.

She tentatively lifted and slid back down, making him groan and thank every possible deity that he'd jerked off earlier so he wouldn't be a five second wonder. As it was, he still felt far too close.

“Shh,” she said, looking down between them as she tested the move again. He followed her line of sight, feeling dazed as he saw her sliding up and down his shaft, testing the motion as she angled her hips, tilting them forward an inch. This time, when she lowered back down, it was _her_ turn to be too loud.

He covered her mouth and smiled at her, lifting a finger to his lips, but he lost the smile as she locked eyes with him and started to rise and fall on his dick, practically bouncing in his lap as she chased whatever made the flush in her cheeks creep down her neck and onto her chest.

“Are you going to come on my cock?” he whispered, doing his best to hold back the tight tingling in his balls. He needed Rey to come, needed to make sure her first time was good. He pressed his thumb against her clit, and her lips parted on a silent gasp.

She rode him, nails digging into his shoulders and eyes rolling back, energetic in her need. One of her hands found his hair and gripped so hard that he had to tilt his head to relieve some of the pain.

But the pain was good. It helped distract him from the pleasure, helped him push the tide of his own desire back.

He stopped rubbing her clit long enough to lick the pad of his thumb, then went back to work. She was slick, but the heat and friction was making the fluid around her clit tacky. Just a little saliva helped lubricate it, and Rey’s bouncing took on fresh vigor.

“God,” she gasped, eyes opening wide before snapping shut, both hands returning to his shoulders to rake her nails across his skin. “Please,” she begged softly, almost crying in her desperation, and Ben licked the pad of his thumb again and rubbed her clit as fast as he could.

He felt her tighten almost imperceptibly around him, her movements taking on a measured intensity, and then her back bowed and her muscles seized, and he thrust upward into her as her mouth opened in a soundless wail.

When her muscles released, her hand covered his on her clit, and he stopped rubbing her, stopped thrusting, and let her slump against his chest. She was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, her breath coming fast.

“Oh my God,” she murmured, clinging to him.

Ben wrapped his arms around her and helped her lie down on the couch, her thighs on either side of his hips and movements languid as he pressed back into her body. She ran her hands over his hair and down his neck and shoulders, her nails no longer a threat, and sighed when he seated himself fully inside her.

“Fill me up,” she whispered softly as he began to move. “Fill me up with your cum. Please. I want it.”

Ben grunted and flexed his hips. He wasn’t going to last long. Not after the way she’d come apart on his cock so beautifully, and not with the way she kept whispering dirty, filthy things into his ear, her hands tracing over his skin.

She was young and lovely and perfect, and for once the stupid fucking voice that told him she was _too_ young was silent. Instead, pleasure tore at him as he buried himself to the root inside of her over and over again, thrusting hard until the tension in his lower spine boiled over and he came so hard that he could swear he felt his soul reaching, trying to merge with hers even as his body emptied frantically into her.

“Holy shit,” he said when it was over.

“Yeah,” she replied with a soft laugh, her fingers trailing through his hair as she gazed at the storage unit’s ceiling, a sated smile playing at the edges of her mouth.

He didn’t have the energy to move off of her yet, so he lay there in her arms and nuzzled her temple, making her break into a grin.

“That was _really_ good.”

He laughed. He felt weightless. “Yeah.”

Rey pulled him down until his lips met hers, and Ben let himself get lost in her kiss as the sweat on their skin cooled. He didn’t want to get off of her, wanted to stay inside her until he got hard again, but his refractory period took about an hour and he couldn’t hold his weight on his arms for that long.

When he drew back, it was to kneel between her legs so he could look at her. He saw her bite her lip in his peripheral vision, watching him, but he was focused on the bit of cum that trickled out of her.

 _His_ cum.

His. She was his.

He reverently traced the skin of her sex and then her thighs, his light touch making her squirm. He smiled, then, and met her eye. “Ticklish?” His fingers danced back over her inner thigh, and she shrieked and snapped her legs closed. Ben laughed and pulled her into his arms, hugging her because she was his and he was hers and they were finally together.

Rey smiled at him, her expression open and soft. “I like your smile.”

“Yeah?” He shifted to a more comfortable position and maneuvered her onto his lap. His pants gaped open, which he supposed was only fair since she was still naked.

“Yeah,” she said, curling against his chest. He felt wet warmth on his leg and realized his own cum was seeping from her and into the fabric of his jeans.

He couldn’t bring himself to care.

“You don’t smile enough.” She traced the dips and planes of his face with gentle fingers, then brushed across his shoulders and the scratches she’d left him with, a tiny frown line between her brows. Her eyes dipped lower, and she ran a palm over his ribs. “You need to eat more.”

“I will,” he assured her. Now that he had her in his arms, he felt balanced again. He hadn’t had much of an appetite overseas, but now…

More than one kind of appetite had returned in full.

She bit her lip and rested her cheek on his scratched-up shoulder. “Are you sorry this happened here instead of at the hotel?” Her voice was low and sweet, and someone who didn’t know her well wouldn’t have heard the nervousness beneath.

“I’m not even a bit sorry,” he replied, sliding his hands down to squeeze her ass and pull her tighter against him. He still wanted her, even if he wasn’t up to the task just then. “This was perfect.”

She rested her cheek against his chest, and he could feel her smile against his skin, the hot summer air enveloping their cooling bodies. “Yes, it was.”

“I love you.”

She lifted her face to his. The kiss was long and sweet, and then Rey shifted against him and heat sparked through his veins. He slid his hands over her, and the kiss changed, turned hungry. Her body twisted sinuously against him, her knees sliding to either side of his waist, and he felt their mixed fluids sliding onto his groin.

His dick made a valiant attempt to rise, but he wasn’t a teenager anymore. He couldn’t get erection after erection and just keep going.

But he _did_ have a lot more patience now, which he was fully willing to use on Rey.

He slid the fingers of his right hand between them and found her wet center, dipped his middle finger inside, and teased his thumb around her entrance. “Tell me what you want,” he husked.

“You,” she replied, fucking herself on his finger, her arms draped loosely around his neck.

He swallowed, watching her. It was almost as good as being inside her. “You have me.”

She dropped her hips down harder, emphatic. “Inside me. I want you _inside me_.”

“Shh,” he murmured, aware of the crunch of wheels outside as a car passed either in or out of the storage lot. Refocusing on the girl in his arms, he rubbed his thumb over her clit and watched her arch, her chest thrusting toward his face.

Ben leaned in and sucked a nipple into his mouth, letting it go with a long lick before teasing the other one with the tip of his tongue. Rey made a strangled noise in the back of her throat and gripped his hair.

“Ben, please,” she whispered. “I want you inside.”

“Can’t yet,” he admitted with genuine regret. He slipped a second finger inside her as an apology. “But I can help you come.”

Her frantic movements eased as she focused on his face, her bobbing turning slow and sensual. He was caught by her eyes, unable to look away, and the moment turned charged and intimate.

She initiated the first kiss, and Ben lost track of reality as they made out, his hands slipping to her hips at some point as his head spun.

They kissed until he felt the familiar twitch and tingle that signalled the end of his refractory period, and he reached between them to stroke himself to full mast. It hadn’t been as long as he usually took. Maybe having a partner made a difference.

Maybe it was just Rey.

He started to ask if she still wanted him inside her, but she positioned herself over him without being asked and began to lower herself down. He held himself still and watched her face, the quick intake of breath as her body parted around him like butter and the soft sigh when her pelvis met his.

“Ben,” she whispered, her eyes closing.

He kissed her, cupping her face between his palms. “You feel amazing.” It was important she know that. She held so much power over him like this. His blood sang, body humming with delight as his eager dick sat wrapped in her warmth.

She could ask him for anything just then, and he would say yes. Diamonds, castles, murder. Anything.

Well. Maybe not dancing. So… _almost_ anything.

Rey’s soft hand on his cheek brought his eyes to hers. “I lost you for a second there,” she murmured, her lips quirking into a smile.

He focused, shaking the idle thoughts away. “Just thinking about you.”

Her smile grew. “I’m thinking about that quiz we took.” She lifted up, never taking her eyes from his face, and slid back down, controlling the speed of her descent with her thighs.

Ben groaned. It felt so fucking good. He had to fight to bring his thoughts back to order. “Which parts?”

She lifted and dropped again, her neck and chest flushing. Her posture wasn’t self-conscious. This was a woman who knew exactly what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to take it. “How you want to come all over my body,” she murmured, setting up a smooth, slow rhythm. “How you want to fuck my breasts.” She ran a hand over her chest, lifting one small tit roughly and then dropping it so it jiggled.

Ben palmed the same tit, wanting all that trembling flesh for himself. He felt greedy. He needed her.

“I’m thinking about getting my panties and shoving them in your mouth.”

Ben’s hips jerked upward, startled by the unabashed desire in her eyes. “Why don’t you?”

She jerked her head to the side. “They’re all the way over there.”

He looked. Too far for her to reach.

Not too far for him, though.

He bent and stretched, refusing to unseat her, and just barely managed to snag the edge of her blue panties between two fingers. He tugged them out of her shorts and pushed himself back to sitting, his free hand on Rey’s outer thigh as he held up his prize.

Her smile turned sly as she took them from him.

“Do I get a reward?” he asked, trailing his fingers up and down her sides.

“You’re already getting it.” She leaned in and nipped his lip, and he tried to follow as she leaned back. She stopped him by pressing the wad of her panties to his lips, and he opened to accept the soft musky cotton.

Rey stared at him for a long moment, her color deepening, and then she drew a shuddering breath. “ _Fuck._ ”

She lifted onto her knees and slammed back down, body shaking as her hands gripped his shoulders, nails digging in, making little crescent-moon welts to go with the scratches. Her gaze flickered between his eyes and the blue cotton gagging him, and she just kept flushing deeper and deeper, driving her cunt down as Ben snapped his hips up to meet hers, working with what little leverage he could find.

He loved seeing her this turned on, loved the way she lost a little bit more control every time she bounced on his cock. He loved the flush in her cheeks, and the way she gasped when he tugged on her nipples, and the tension in her muscles that got tighter and tighter as she rode him.

“ _Ben_ ,” she moaned, her skin glistening with sweat, the muscles of her toned thighs flexing, her hips rolling, her lips parting with each panting breath.

It was the sexiest thing he’d ever seen in his life.

He tugged her panties out of his mouth, the taste of them sitting on his tongue, and reached into his jeans pocket, now at his knees. Rey watched him with hooded eyes as he pulled out his phone.

Her bare skin glowed as he opened his camera app and made sure she was in frame. “We didn’t talk about this,” he rumbled as he hit record, capturing the way the light caught her slender curves. He caught the way her nipples stood out in hard little points, the smooth motion of her body as she rose and fell on him, and the slick gleam of fluids at the place they joined.

When he moved the camera back to her face, she bit her lip for him, her expression pure sex.

She didn’t protest.

“You like this?” he asked, his breathing loud and ragged as he watched her on his phone’s screen. “You like riding my cock, sweetheart?”

“Yes,” she gasped, her reddened lip falling from between her teeth. She tipped her head back, hair falling away from her face. “God, yes.”

“Are you going to come for me?”

Rey whimpered, and he panned down to her tits.

He loved her tits. Small, yes, but round and sweet. Bigger than he remembered, maybe because he’d never seen them like _this_ but probably because of the weight she’d gained. He could recall how thin her limbs used to be, little more than skin and bones.

She didn’t look fragile anymore.

He reached up to play with her breasts, making sure to keep his hand in frame as he pulled the phone back to get her face as well.

If he wasn’t planning to spend the night fucking her into the mattress, he’d be jacking off to this video later.

Maybe they could fuck to it.

Oh yes. He liked that idea.

Rey tossed her hair, licking her lips for the camera. “You like taping me?”

Ben’s lips parted. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

She lifted her hands to grope her own tits, and he groaned at the sight. “I love your dick. It’s so big and hard, and it fills me up so good.”

He huffed a breathless laugh and turned the camera off, tossing it onto a nearby box, then grabbed Rey around the waist and rolled her off of him and onto her back, kicking his jeans all the way off so he could climb between her thighs and jerk her legs over his shoulders. “I’m going to eat you until you scream,” he growled into her cunt, attacking it while she gripped his hair and arched against his mouth.

Rey let out a deep groan as he worked her up with his lips and tongue, trying his best. He was not an expert at eating her out, but she responded beautifully, thrashing beneath him. She tugged on his hair, pulling his face away and bringing him up and over her. “I need you,” she gasped, reaching between them to grasp him.

Ben shivered, his world narrowed to the palm of her hand. “Rey.”

She guided him to her entrance, and Ben pressed inside, groaning. He placed a forearm above her head and leaned on it, breath mingling with Rey’s as he pressed his forehead to hers.

He let out an embarrassing noise as she hooked her legs around his hips and tugged him closer. He couldn’t think beyond her warm, soft cunt and the sweet friction as he dragged out and pushed back in.

“I love you,” she whispered, eyelids fluttering.

He kissed her. “How hard do you need it?”

Her chest heaved. “How hard can you give it to me?”

“You want me to show you?”

“Yes,” she hissed, drawing the word out. He felt her cunt clench him, and he groaned softly.

“Then let’s see what you can take.” He gripped her shoulder with his free hand, anchoring her in place, and thrust.

Rey moaned, so he thrust again, harder. “More,” she begged.

Ben stopped holding back. He slammed into her, absorbing her cries into his mouth with immense satisfaction. He grunted with effort, trying to give her exactly what she wanted. He trusted her to tell him if it hurt, but the harder he fucked her the wetter she got and the more she made those pretty little squeals.

“Please,” she gasped, breathless, her eyes closed and her cheeks bright red. “Please, Ben.” She sounded almost weak, her head arching back as her nails anchored in his shoulders, and then her moan filled the air; he felt her clenching and fluttering around his cock, and he couldn’t hold back the tide of pleasure that boiled up his spine and out of his body into hers.

They came together almost quietly, Ben’s breath shuddering out as he slowed to a stop against her sweat-slick skin.

Rey was the first to recover. She panted out a breathless laugh. “You, uh… you really let go.”

He pushed himself up to look at her. “Was it too much?”

She shook her head. “No. And you’re in trouble. Now I know what you’re capable of.” She tweaked his ear and grinned. “If you ever try to hold back again, I’m gonna be mad.”

He laughed into her neck, feeling like he’d just finished a race. The outside world came back to him, and he remembered where they were. He laughed again, a little helplessly. “That was _not_ quiet.”

“Don’t care,” Rey replied, stretching her arms around his neck and pulling him close. “Can’t care. Can’t move.” She nuzzled against him, affectionate, and he smiled and dropped a kiss on her hair.

“I can delete the video if you want,” he offered.

Rey shook her head. “Keep it.”

He cocked a brow. “You don’t mind?”

“I trust you.”

The words made his heart skip a beat, and his smile felt particularly dopey.

Then, of course, one side of her mouth quirked up in a wry twist. “Just don’t let your phone get hacked.”

He nodded and made a mental note. He hated the idea of anyone else seeing that video. He would look into phone security apps when they got home.

He felt something tickle his shoulder and swiped at it. Rey’s eyes followed his hand, and then her eyes widened and she started pushing at him, scrambling up with a sharp shriek.

“Spider!” She hopped from foot to foot, all her tan freckled skin on display, and shuddered. “Ugh, _spider_. Ew ew ew!”

Ben got up slower, eyeing the couch. It had been sitting in storage a full year without any sort of protection. It was likely that plenty of bugs lived in it now.

Well, then. Gross.

He decided not to mention that possibility to Rey, instead picking up their clothes and shaking her shorts and panties out before handing them over.

She shuddered again as she shimmied into her shorts, stuffing the panties in her pocket, and stood on her tiptoes as if afraid of the bare concrete floor.

Ben sat to put his pants on — if nothing had bitten him while she was riding him, he thought he would be safe enough for another minute — and drew her over to lightly kiss her breasts. “You’re not allowed to put clothes on tonight,” he murmured, tracing his lips over one pebbled nipple as Rey relaxed and threaded her fingers into his hair. “I’m just going to keep you naked and ready.”

Her lips twisted into a wry smile, and she reached past him for her shirt and bra. “So long as you make it worth my while.” She turned her back to him and shook her clothes out, giving him a flirty look over her shoulder before she put her top back on.

Ben zipped his pants and smiled. He was going to marry this girl one day.

* * *

“Did you get what you needed?” Leia called when they walked in.

Rey turned wide eyes to Ben, who had paused while taking off his shoes. Leia couldn’t see them in the foyer, which was good because Ben looked at Rey and mouthed _shit_. They’d forgotten to get any of his old clothes.

He cleared his throat. “Not really,” he called back, settling a warm hand on Rey’s lower back.

They walked together into the living room, where Leia sat with a soda while she played a game on her phone. The TV was on, but the volume was low and she wasn’t looking at it. “So you still need summer clothes?”

Ben’s hand on her back tensed. “No.”

Rey glanced at Ben and then at Leia, who was grinning. Rey tried very hard not to think about the panties stuffed in her pocket or the things she’d just done to the woman’s son.

Ben took a step back, pointing an accusing finger at his mother. “I am _not_ going clothes shopping with you.”

Leia hopped up, slipping her phone into the pocket of her slacks. She clapped her hands together, eyes sparkling. “Let me grab my purse. We can get you a haircut, too.”

“Mom!”

Rey muffled a laugh into her hand and caught his glare.

“You can come too, Rey,” Leia added as she walked past them to get her shoes. “Han’s going to be at the shop until dinner, and Ben might be more manageable with you along.”

“I’ll pass,” Rey said, knuckles against her smile. “We have plans to hang out this afternoon, and I need to answer some texts. Lusica keeps bugging me to know if we’ve killed each other yet.” A white lie. Killing each other was close enough to fucking each other. And Lusica would be delighted with either, really.

“Okay,” Leia said with a smile as she appeared from the foyer with her shoes on and her purse over her shoulder. “Ben? _Now_.”

He groaned and obeyed, grabbing his shoes and heading toward the garage. Rey swallowed a giggle when he waved goodbye, his face pulled into lines of misery.

Leia kissed beside Rey’s cheek. “See you in a bit, sweetie.”

“Have fun!” Rey called after them.

Ben’s groan did make her laugh, this time.

* * *

It was past two when Ben arrived at the restaurant where he'd agreed to meet Rey. His mother had wanted to join, and he still felt on edge with guilt and irritation after having to explain that he didn't want his _mother_ along on his date.

It was bad enough that he’d have to text her later that they wouldn’t be home tonight.

Of course, his mom had heard the word “date” and had looked over the t-shirt and jeans he'd worn to the store. “And you're meeting where?”

When he’d told her, she’d pressed her lips into a thin line.

Which was why he wore a blazer, slacks, and a frown when he spotted Rey at a table toward the back.

He took a step toward her before his brain caught up with his eyes and all the grumbling apologies he'd prepared died on his lips.

She wore the black dress he'd seen earlier, but he hadn't realized at the time how much skin it showed.

His legs continued without his conscious input, the humming full-body tug forcing him closer. He didn’t know if it was the bond or something simpler that drew him across the room. Love mixed with lust, perhaps.

She looked…

He found himself standing over her, and she blinked up from her phone, face splitting into a grin when she saw him. Her smile faded when he continued to stare, and a blush bloomed on her cheeks, eyes darkening the longer she held his.

She licked her lips nervously. “Hi,” she breathed.

He blinked twice and swallowed, eyes darting to her breasts and then back to her face. He swallowed again. “Wow.”

She ducked her head and tucked a lock of hair behind one ear.

He noticed she wore makeup, but she really, _really_ didn't need it. Still, he felt pleased to know she'd made the effort _for him_.

She'd worn that dress for him.

He tried not to think about what was under the dress, since he could picture all of it now. The freckled expanse of skin; the tan lines, faint but obvious when he knew where to look; the shape and weight of her curves.

He sat blindly, so attuned to her that he couldn’t remember what he ordered and barely tasted any of it.

His focus sharpened when her breathing picked up and her flush deepened.

By the time they reached her car, he was ready to pull her into the backseat. He restrained himself by remembering where they were going, but he couldn't help palming her thigh as she drove, groaning at the way the skirt fell open to reveal a short underskirt and a long expanse of leg.

She was almost shaking when he grabbed their bags from the trunk and led her into the lobby. She kept her eyes down as he checked them in.

He wrapped an arm around her waist on the walk to their room, steadying her on those stupid heels she'd chosen to wear, and unlocked their door with a hand that wasn't entirely steady.

Rey began to tug his jacket off immediately as the door closed behind them, and he dropped the bags to let her, but he turned her kiss around, forcing her to slow down so he could savor her.

He didn't want to rush this the way they had in the storage unit. He got to take his time now, and he intended to take full advantage of the long stretch in front of them.

* * *

A scream of frustration built in Rey's throat, but she choked it down as tears ran over her temples and her heels dug into Ben's back, her fingers in his hair.

She whimpered his name, desperate and slick with sweat, and felt him nip her inner thigh and breathe hot against the skin there.

He hadn't let her take her dress off, and she hated that she couldn't see his eyes past her short underskirt. He'd been building her up for an hour already, and she needed to come, but the fucker just chuckled when she begged.

He never sped up.

Jackass.

She'd even tried making him angry, told him a real man would have gotten her off by now, but he'd only laughed and slowed down further (sadist) and turned her insults garbled with too-gentle swirls of his tongue.

“You like it,” he'd murmured confidently against her cunt, and had gone back to his painstaking work.

Rey pulled his face harder against her, and he groaned, his voice turning husky. “I can do this all night.” He lapped harder at her and she ground herself against his mouth. A muffled _fuck_ came from between her legs, and the fingers keeping her inner lips spread lowered to her entrance and lightly circled. “You want that?”

Rey's back bowed, and she nodded and whimpered. “Please.”

His hands and mouth left her, and then she did scream, almost to the point of violence. If he teased her for _one more fucking second_ …

Oh.

He stood at the end of the bed, eyes hooded and hungry as he shucked his clothes.

“Please,” she whispered.

His cheeks flooded with color, eyes dark and hungry as he jerked his shirt off.

She was so empty. She pulled at the tie holding her dress together and wiggled out of it so that nothing could get in the way as his weight shifted the mattress.

He kissed her neck roughly, and she arched, her breath heavy as she tugged at him to get him where she wanted him.

When he hovered above her, he met her eyes and swallowed, pressing their foreheads together. She felt small tremors in his muscles, but she didn’t think it was fatigue.

His elbows were pink from where he’d been leaning on them while he ate her out, and the skin of his neck and chest were flushed.

Hers probably was, too.

He prodded gently at her entrance, slipping around a bit before the head of him caught. “Rey,” he whispered reverently.

She angled her hips and lifted just enough to get the tip of him inside. He gasped, and she shivered. “Please, Ben.” She threaded her fingers through his hair and wiggled her hips, eager for him to move. His teeth sank into his bottom lip, and he whimpered. “Please.”

He pushed in slowly, and Rey kissed him as he did. His kiss was sloppy and unfocused, filled with gasps and pauses, and then he bottomed out and Rey wrapped her legs around him, unwilling to let him go now that she had him where she wanted him.

She was greedy, she decided. Greedy and demanding.

But he loved it.

She smiled and rolled her hips, ankles crossed at the small of his back.

A gusty breath left his lips, and he kissed her neck and moved with her, trailing kisses absently to her chin and up to her mouth. Their tongues tangled inexpertly, intimately, and Rey understood what he meant by virgin sacrifice. This was different from the happy, heady lust in the storage unit, and she wondered again if she’d spoiled things by pushing him instead of waiting.

Ben touched her face, and she focused on his searching eyes, realizing he’d stopped moving but still rested his comforting weight against her. “Hey,” he murmured. Concern tugged the corners of his mouth down. “Everything okay?”

Rey spoke into the warm inches between them. “The storage unit wasn’t what you wanted. When we talked about this, you wanted it to be nice.”

His frown deepened, but he didn’t argue with her. Rey didn’t know if she was relieved by that or not. Instead, his eyes searched between hers, and he finally brushed some hair carefully from her face and said, “It was different from what I said I wanted. But it was good. Relaxed. I felt comfortable, and I think that’s… that’s the big thing.”

Rey’s lips turned up at the corners, relieved. “Are you comfortable now?”

Ben laughed lowly and thrust deeper, making her gasp. His eyes twinkled. “Yeah. I’m comfortable.”

Rey gave herself over to him, focusing so she could remember every moment as the man she loved met her over and over, wrapping around her and holding her as her body — still sensitive from his long, slow ministrations — peaked on a slow rolling crest that filled every inch of her.

She felt limp afterward, wrung out, and played lazily with Ben’s hair as he gasped his way to his own climax.

Sudden warmth inside her, and she watched his face through it, memorizing the way he tipped his head back and his mouth fell open.

He slumped beside her and kissed her shoulder. Rey smiled, still floating drowsily in her own afterglow, and let him gather her against him, their damp skin sticking.

She felt their combined fluids seep out of her and onto the bed and couldn’t be bothered to care, instead pressing her lips to Ben’s bicep where he’d wrapped his arms around her.

She fell asleep like that, pressed back against him, and only woke for a moment when he pulled a sheet up to cover their cooling bodies.

* * *

Ben jerked awake with a snort, disoriented for a moment as he looked around the unfamiliar room.

Slim, familiar fingers combed through his hair, and he turned his face to nuzzle into Rey’s palm.

“How long have I been out?”

“A few hours.”

He winced. He had _not_ intended to sleep that long. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, his jaw cracking in a yawn.

She tugged at him, and he scooted closer. At some point, she’d found a t-shirt to put on, and her phone was in her lap, the screen obscured. “Don’t apologize for being jetlagged.”

“It’s just kind of lame after missing you for so long. Thinking about you, about this.” He turned his head away and yawned into his fist, shaking off what grogginess he could.

Rey burrowed her fingers deeper into his hair, and he fought the urge to melt into her touch. “Maybe this is exactly what you need. What we both do.”

He raised a brow at her. “A nap?”

She elbowed him lightly and grinned at his snort. “Time alone. No one to interrupt us, no one to hide from.” She stroked her thumb across his scalp. “Tonight can be about more than exchanging fluids.”

Ben tried to hold the laughter in, but his chest shook with the effort.

Rey rolled her eyes, and Ben pushed himself up beside her, dislodging her fingers from his hair. She leaned into him, and he wrapped an arm around her.

“I just mean that it's nice, being with you like this. No one staring or gauging our moods to see if we’re about to murder each other. Just us.”

“Just us,” he agreed, pulling her tighter into his embrace, the idea sighing through him and uncoiling muscles he hadn’t realized had still been tensed.

“What have you been up to?” he asked, looking at the phone in her lap.

Rey blushed and clutched it to her chest, piquing his curiosity. “It’s a surprise.”

“Really,” he replied, even more interested now. He lifted up as if he could peek, and she held it tighter with a scowl.

“Don’t even think about it, Mr. Phone Snatcher.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “When have I ever snatched your phone?”

“That first time we went to Wicket’s.”

Ben blinked. “Oh. Right.” Then he frowned. “Good thing I did, though. You’d have worried yourself half to death.”

Rey glowered. “There is _no_ excuse to snoop in a girl’s phone.”

“You were being dumb,” he argued, tugging her closer.

She scoffed, but he could see the corners of her lips trying to turn up even as she pushed at him. “See if you get any more sex tonight.”

Ben laughed and released her, and she bopped him on the head with a pillow. He rolled away and held his hands in front of his face in surrender. “Okay, okay, you win. I’m the worst. Just don’t hurt me.” He was teasing, and from the grin on her face she knew it.

Rey clambered over him, running her nails over his chest with just a little too much pressure. Her voice lowered. “I thought you said you could take it.”

Ben swallowed, his smile falling away as she wiggled into position on top of him, her shorts and the bedsheet the only things between them. He twitched as he recalled the quiz they took and the conversation they’d had about rough sex, and Rey jumped, lifting away to stare at the sheet tangled around his hips.

“It moved.”

His cheeks felt hot. “Yeah, it does that.”

“It tickled,” she added, eyeing the sheet warily as if she might see it move again.

Ben pressed a hand over his face, then laughed and reached for her. “I’ll show you ‘tickled’ if you don’t get back over here.”

Her eyes twinkled, and Ben knew that he’d have to make good on his threat. With a sigh, he threw off the sheet and pounced on her, seeking out every sensitive patch of skin he could think of. It seemed that, if he wiggled his fingers behind her knee, it completely incapacitated her.

She managed to heave enough of a breath to gasp, “You… suck!” And after a particularly shrill cackle, tears running down her cheeks, she managed to beg him to stop.

Ben obligingly released her and then dipped his head between her legs.

Her breath hitched for a completely different reason, and Ben smiled to himself.

* * *

“We should elope.”

They'd showered after the last round, and Rey was watching Ben detangle his hair in the bathroom. He was shirtless, the scratches she’d left on his shoulders standing out pink against his pale skin, telling a macabre story when combined with the healing bruises on his face.

His eyes met hers in the mirror, and he set the comb down with a frown, turning to face her. At length, he asked, “Why?”

Rey huffed and shook her head, embarrassed because she'd expected him to jump at the idea. “Forget it.” She walked out of the bathroom before she could do something even more embarrassing, like cry.

“Hold up,” Ben said, following her. He stood by the bed and watched her walk to her bag to put on underwear and a camisole. He hesitated and remained where he was. “I just don't understand where that came from.”

“It's nothing,” she insisted, wishing she could take it back.

He began to run a hand through his hair, then seemed to remember it was wet and dropped his hand to his side. “Proposing is not nothing, Rey.”

“Please just drop it.”

But of course he wouldn't, and, really, Rey had no one to blame but herself for bringing it up in the first place.

He stared at the wall and its bland, neutral wallpaper, arms crossed. The frown that hadn’t gone away since she’d proposed creased the skin between his brows, but his voice was soft. Uncertain. “My parents would be hurt if we did that. At least, my mom would.” He looked back at her, his eyes deep with concern.

He was trying to figure it out, and she wished he wouldn't.

He examined her closely, but there was no reproach, no anger in his eyes. Just confusion. “I would have thought you'd want them there.”

Rey said nothing, couldn’t speak past the lump in her throat and didn’t have the words anyway. She looked for something to do with her hands and found some clothes they’d left on the floor. She folded them and put them away.

Ben sat on the bed and continued to watch her. “And your friends, too. I can't imagine you not wanting Finn there.”

She sighed and straightened, eyes on her bag. “But what if _he_ doesn't want to be there?”

When she finally glanced at him, Ben was giving her a skeptical look. “That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.”

Rey rolled her eyes. Such a _Ben_ answer. But, oddly, the fact that he found the idea ludicrous _did_ make her feel better.

A little better, at least.

Rey let out a breath. “What if he thinks I forgave you too quickly? What if he gets mad about it or thinks we're moving too fast?”

The furrow between his brows deepened. “And eloping is supposed to help with that how, exactly?”

Ugh. “That's not the point.”

“You're afraid that your friends won't accept this. Or will judge you for it.” He paused, waited for her to say something. When she didn’t, he asked, “Am I wrong?”

 _There_ were the tears. Reliable little bastards.

Ben held his arms out, and Rey went to him, curling into his embrace as he stroked her back.

“I still have no idea how you got from that to elopement,” he eventually muttered.

Rey hit him in the bicep, and he pretended like it hurt, making her laugh.

He used his thumbs to wipe away her tears. “You should call Finn. Talk to him about this.”

More tears welled up and over. It took her a moment to find the words. “I’m scared.”

Ben kissed her, a reassurance. He didn’t say anything, didn’t have to. She knew he was right. Finn would make this pit in her stomach go away.

She nodded, and he kissed her again, then got off the bed and rummaged in his bag for clothes. “I’ll go pick something up for dinner. Give you some privacy.”

Rey sniffled and watched him get dressed. A small flare of alarm filled her at facing this alone, but she couldn’t deny that she might be more nervous with Ben listening in.

He kissed her again before he left, the door falling shut behind him, and Rey held her phone between both hands, staring at Finn’s contact information.

She pressed the call button and listened to it ring.

_Ring…_

_Ring…_

_Ring…_

“Hey.” He sounded happy.

“Finn?” Her voice came out watery and weak, and she winced at herself.

A pause. “What’s wrong?”

“I just… I…” She choked on a sob. “I’m completely crazy in love with him, and I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Umm…” She could picture the gears in her best friend's brain stalling and then groaning into action as he tried to figure out how to react. The silence made her hold her breath, and when he finally spoke it was brisk and sure. “Okay, first, I don’t hate you. Why would you even think that?”

“Everyone was so angry with him.”

“Of course we were. He hurt you, and you were sad, and we didn’t know how to help. But, Rey…” He made a frustrated sound. “Are you happy?”

“Yes.”

“Then that’s all I need to know.”

“But we’re together, and it’s only been a few days…”

He sighed. “Rey, you’re soulmates. There is nobody who did not see this coming. Maybe it happened a little faster than we thought it would, but… we’ve been around Thomas and Kaydel and Rose and Paige enough to get it. This isn’t an ordinary situation.”

Rey blinked. “Oh.” She shifted into a more comfortable position. Tentatively asked, “What if not everybody sees it that way? What if…” She trailed off, unable to finish the thought.

Finn was quiet, but she knew he was thinking. “I could tell everybody you’ve made up, if you want. So they have time to get used to the idea.”

“I—”

“I’ll be your advocate, Rey,” he said gently. “I can fight this one for you.”

She sniffled, the tears coming back. “Finn…”

“I don’t really see it being a fight, though,” he added with a laugh. “Like I said, we all expected this. I doubt anyone’s going to be anything but happy for you.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, and Rey heard the hesitation in his silence. She sat up straighter. “Finn?”

“Maybe Poe,” he admitted reluctantly. “He was pretty happy after you punched Ben at graduation. The rest of us…” He trailed off.

“The rest of you?” she prompted.

“We were worried about you. I mean, it was pretty disturbing. Those of us who knew Ben last year… we liked him. When he was around. And we love _you_. And it just… it seemed like something that would hurt you as much as it hurt him.”

Another pause, and Rey covered her mouth so Finn couldn’t hear her crying. His words brought back all the guilt she thought she’d put aside, swirling it around her like mud in a clear pond.

“I don’t think Poe saw it the same way,” he said slowly, “but the rest of us… we were worried. You know?”

She nodded, her jaw tight with the effort to hold back tears. “Yeah.”

“But I’m glad you guys worked it out.” His voice was cheerier, like he was trying to pull the conversation back onto safer ground. “And I’ll talk to Poe, if you want. Let him know not to be a dick if he still wants to be your friend.”

She sniffled but grasped the change in tone gratefully. “Ben doesn’t like him.”

Finn laughed. “He doesn’t like Ben.”

The worry in her chest finally relaxed, making her feel lighter. “You’re sure you’re okay with this? With how fast it happened and everything?”

“Are you happy?” he asked again.

She smiled. “Yes.”

“Then I am _fine_ with it. And I’ll browbeat anyone who isn’t.”

She laughed.

“I have your back. Always.”

More tears, but happy ones this time. “I love you, Finn.”

A soft laugh. “Love you, too.”

She toyed with the sheets, still smiling. “I should let you go.”

“Okay. Say hi to the soulmate for me.”

Her smile widened. “Sure.”

“And Rey?”

“Mhm?”

“If I thought he was bad for you, I’d tell you. Because you’re my best friend. But I don’t think that. Okay?”

She nodded, her throat tight with the urge to cry again. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Okay. We’ll all hang out soon, yeah?”

“Yeah. That sounds good.”

“Cool. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Definitely.”

She hung up on a mix of feelings and spent the time until Ben returned trying to sort them out.

“What did I tell you?” he said when she told him about the conversation.

She pushed at him with her foot, and he grunted, handing her a hamburger from the place she and Han liked where they cut the fries in-house and dumped extra into the bag.

She knew without asking that he’d gotten it to cheer her up.

They watched TV as they ate, and when they were finished eating, Ben laid his head in Rey’s lap. She ran her fingers through his soft hair, and eventually his breathing evened out. She continued to watch the movie they’d found and glanced down at him now and then, smiling to herself.

When the movie ended, she placed a kiss on his face, bursting with too much happiness to keep it to herself. His lashes fluttered open, and the sleepy smile he gave her was worth waking him.

“I fell asleep again,” he said after a long, hard stretch.

“I don’t mind.”

His eyes flickered to the phone in her hands. “Texting?”

She flushed lightly and shook her head, handing him the phone. “It’s what I was working on earlier,” she murmured as he sat up to get his reading glasses from the nightstand.

Nervous, she watched his curious expression as he curled one leg up under the other and began to read.

That frown line returned as his attention sharpened on the words, and after a few seconds, he covered his mouth with one hand.

When he lifted his head, his eyes were wet. “I…” He shook his head, stopped, and reached for her. One hand slid along her waist, and Rey crawled into his embrace. He only needed to incline his head to kiss her. “I love you, too.”

Rey nodded and pressed her face into his shoulder, embarrassed. “I just… I realized you’ve told me all these things you love about me, and I never told you anything back.” She lifted her head and smiled wryly, trying to lighten the moment. “Seemed unfair.”

She picked up her phone, text still showing on the screen.

> _Things I Love About Ben_
> 
>   1. __How reliable you are.__
>   2. _You’re sweet with your mother._
>   3. _The way you pretend to hate watching stupid movies with me but you actually love it._
>   4. _How gentle you are when no one is looking._
>   5. _Your honesty (even when it gets you in trouble)._
>   6. _How embarrassed you get by compliments._
>   7. _How you’ve been fighting your demons for years, long before you met me, and how much courage that takes._
>   8. _Your sense of humor._
>   9. _Your inner strength._
>   10. _You’re a good man._
> 


Rey bit her lip and raised her eyes to his. That last one had been the hardest to write. Ben had strong principles, and it had cost both of them. The hurt in her heart hadn’t evaporated just because she understood him or because she admired the part of him that had prompted the whole mess, but he needed to hear it and she ought to say it because it was true and because she loved him.

She could bend her pride a little. For him.

Without breaking eye contact, Ben took her phone and set it aside. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her, and Rey leaned into the contact, drunk on something that wasn’t entirely passion. He drew back just far enough to breathe, “I love you,” against her lips, and they didn’t communicate with words after that, only soft sighs and the slide of skin.

* * *

Rey woke to sunlight filtering weakly past the blackout curtains and warm breath on her shoulder. Lips pressed lightly to the skin there, and when she looked at him he brought his mouth to hers and lingered there, tasting her.

He trailed to her collarbone and kissed the hollow there before moving down until his lips and tongue could trace over her breasts. “You just left these out,” he said, hot breath making her nipple pucker. “Like you wanted someone to come along and find them.” He kissed it, then enveloped the small bud between his lips.

Rey stroked his hair as he used his mouth to play with her, his soft groans leaving her weak.

Rey ran her fingers through his hair and over the shells of his ears.

She’d never had an impressive bosom. She’d been almost flat when she’d first met him, and even now she barely managed a B-cup despite three square meals a day. But Ben’s rapt attention and clear enjoyment made her feel like it was enough.

More than enough.

Sexy.

He rested a hand on her thigh and ran it up to hook his fingers in her panties and tug at them.

Rey stopped him, and he looked up at her, lips a millimeter from her damp nipple and big brown eyes questioning.

“I need to, um.” She gestured toward the bathroom.

He released her panties. “Yeah, of course.”

When Rey returned, he had his arms behind his head and was looking thoughtfully at the ceiling. When he glanced her way, a small smile curved his lips.

He rolled onto his side, facing her. “You really are beautiful.”

Rey blushed. She’d never gotten a lot of compliments and didn’t quite know how to accept them.

Of course, right then is when her stomach decided to rumble, protesting its emptiness.

Ben raised a brow. “Hungry?”

Rey smiled sheepishly. “I think it wants waffles.”

Ben rolled onto his back and rested the back of one wrist across his eyes. “Cockblocked by _waffles_.”

Rey ran and pounced on the bed, straddling Ben’s waist so she could grin down at him. He moved both hands to her hips. “Can we go down and see if they have any?”

The look in his eyes said he would prefer to stay right there with her on top of him.

Rey shifted her hips to rub against him through the thin blanket. He was hard. “Please?”

Ben grunted, and his hands tightened on her hips.

She kissed him, rocking against the ridge beneath her until his breath stuttered.

“Rey,” he growled when she pulled away and hopped off the bed. “So help me God…”

He looked like he was about to break, and Rey felt powerful, desirable. She wanted to see how far she could push him, and waffles suddenly didn’t seem as important. “What?” she asked, smirking at him and placing a hand on one hip. “So help you God, what?”

He started to smile, and the intent in his eyes made her skin tingle and tighten with anticipation. Then, he said, “I’m going to tickle you.”

Rey’s eyes widened. She only had time to squeak out a single “What?” before he pounced.

Rey shrieked and tried to wiggle away, but Ben was relentless. He swung her around and pinned her to the bed, his fingers finding the back of her knee and wrenching laughter from her until they were both grinning and panting, Ben still pressing her down with his weight, one leg slotted between hers.

“You… do not play fair,” she told him, still short of breath.

He lowered his head to kiss her. “You didn’t give me much choice.”

She chuckled. “That was the point.”

“Hmm,” he murmured, kissing her again. “Well, keep this in mind for next time you want to tease me.” He playfully narrowed his eyes at her. “I always win.”

Rey lifted her hips to rub against his thigh, feeling sparks of pleasure from the friction. “Winners deserve a reward.”

His brows rose. “I thought you wanted waffles.”

She arched against him. “Waffles can wait.”

He laughed. “I’m glad I rank above waffles.”

Rey rolled her eyes, then kissed him, rubbing against his thigh again. A moment later, Ben pulled her panties down her legs, tossing them over his shoulder before recapturing her lips.

Yeah. This _definitely_ ranked above waffles.

* * *

Ben made sure Rey got her waffles before they had to check out and watched her eat them with what he knew had to be the kind of sappy smile he used to roll his eyes at.

Okay, he’d probably still roll his eyes at it. Lovesick assholes were pathetic, even if he was one.

They returned to the room after waffles and started picking up, packing away clothes and toothbrushes. It was at this time that Ben noticed the dress from last night in Rey’s bag and wondered. “How often do you wear that?”

He could hear the jealousy in his own voice but couldn’t do much about it.

Rey’s smirk told him she’d noticed. “I usually wear a camisole under it,” she assured him. She lifted onto her toes, and he bent to let her kiss him. “Don’t worry. You’re the only one who’s seen me out of it.”

He slid his arms around her and stole another kiss, relieved even though he’d already known that. “Good.”

They packed their things in Rey’s car, and Ben realized that returning home would probably not be comfortable, especially if his dad was there. When he suggested this to Rey, she grimaced and laughed. “He’ll probably tease us about grandkids.”

Ben sighed and went to check them out.

Halfway home, Rey softly murmured, “I want you to come with me.”

“Hm?” He’d been thinking about something else. Specifically, how her legs looked in those shorts.

“To college. I want you to come with me. You said I had a choice, and that’s my decision.”

A slow grin bloomed on his face. “Okay.”

Rey’s eyes were on the road, but her smile was radiant. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [edit] [Rey's 2nd date dress.](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/post/183332660577/reys-second-date-dress-as-seen-in-ch-35-of)


	36. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [Reyloandotherfandoms](https://reyloandotherfandoms.tumblr.com/) for her beta read of this chapter.
> 
> It's been a ride, you guys. I think I'm going to cry once this posts because I'm going to miss everyone. You've been amazing, encouraging, motivating, and comforting, and I love all of you. Don't be strangers, okay? :)

******3 Years Later**

* * *

“Everything going alright in here?”

Ben broke away from Rey and grabbed condiments off the counter to put them back in the fridge, his face warm. Rey was making a potato salad for the cookout in his parents’ backyard, and he was helping as best he could.

Even if they _had_ just gotten a little sidetracked.

Rey tossed a bright smile at his mother, who stood in the patio doorway. “Yep!”

When his mother disappeared outside to help start the grill, Rey bumped him with her hip and smirked. “You don’t need to be shy about kissing in front of your parents.”

He frowned and grumbled, and she laughed.

After he and Rey had disappeared overnight that first time, his mother had forced his dad into a week-long vacation touring wineries.

Ben was _still_ mortified by her parting instructions: _Put a towel or something down if you have sex on the furniture, and don’t have sex in our bed._ Ben had spluttered a denial that he’d even been considering going near her room, but his mom had only fixed him with a look and said, _You have no idea what your father and I got up to at your age. Trust me. I’m covering my bases._

Ben had wanted scrub his brain until he forgot every horrible image _that_ information conjured, but he’d also been conscientious about putting towels down, unwilling and unable to imagine the mortification if his parents returned and found stains everywhere.

Rey picked up the potato salad, and Ben quickly took it from her, settling it into the fridge before following her outside and enjoying the view as he did so. She was barefoot, wearing an old tank top, shorts, and braided pigtails. She glowed with youth and happiness, and Ben’s mouth quirked up as he watched her smile at his uncles.

He and Rey had gotten some looks over the years. It was inevitable, and at first it had twinged Ben’s own insecurities about their age gap.

Every year on her birthday, that little insecure voice got quieter and quieter, and he knew it would fade completely in time. He barely heard it anymore, though it still reared its head at odd intervals. A few weeks prior, they’d been out for a walk and he’d seen their reflection in a bank window. He’d been reminded strongly of how much older he was than her, had seen them for a moment as others did, as mismatched, and had been hit in the gut by old fears.

But those moments didn’t last long. Rey would pull his attention back to her with a bright smile or the continuation of a conversation or to point out a cute dog, and he would smile and take her hand and slip back into the normalcy of their life, remembering who they were and all they’d been through.

Those moments were such small blips on his radar, he had let them pass without comment for the past year or so. They weren’t even worth a conversation these days because he accepted now that those blips weren’t reality. They were remnants of old demons, and he didn’t need to give those thoughts any more of his time than they’d already stolen.

Their apartment was in walking distance of CalTech, but they visited his parents every summer. They couldn’t always stay very long. He had a job now, teaching a community education class to help people get their piloting certifications, and Rey took summer classes.

Ben’s hours weren’t strenuous, and he’d originally done it to please Rey. She’d wanted him to have something to do where he actually got out of the apartment and met people while she was stuck in class, and he _had_ met a few other pilots. He even joined them for drinks every now and then. Rey had been so pleased that she’d called his mother to share the news and had taken him out to eat afterward.

They spent most evenings together, but Rey had made several friends who also wanted to spend time with her. At first, she’d dragged Ben along, but college life didn’t appeal to him the way it once had, nor did he fit in. He couldn’t handle endless greasy pizza and drinking nothing but Mountain Dew, or sitting on cheap futons just to watch a stupid movie, or listening to teenagers complain about their professors. He much preferred his apartment with Rey and its comfortable furniture and all of his books.

One particularly strong memory was from Rey’s freshman year when she’d dragged him to a party her college friends were throwing, and one of them had teased him about robbing the cradle. Ben had snapped at the guy to go fuck himself.

He wasn’t entirely sure what Rey had said to smooth it over, but the guy had apologized sheepishly when Rey had coaxed Ben back into the group.

Ben had encouraged her to do things with her friends without him after that, and she’d obliged, though she would still force him to join them for things like campus movie nights (which he enjoyed because he got to share a blanket with her on the grass _near_ her friends, but not _with_ them, while she cuddled against his side) and the occasional party where she wanted to prove to someone-or-other that he existed. He’d remained withdrawn early on, though, because he’d still been figuring out how to be a couple in public. But he’d endured for her. He’d endure just about anything for her.

And on the occasional night when she had plans that didn’t include him, he always stayed up reading until she got home. She would kick her shoes off and curl up next to him, and he would kiss her hair, ask about her night, and try not to be too obvious about how much he’d missed her. He didn’t want her to think he couldn’t be left on his own.

He wasn’t some stupid helpless puppy.

He could always tell when she’d missed _him_ , though, because she would sit on his lap and sigh into his mouth as he set his book aside. He liked those nights. They made the evenings missing her worth it.

One of his _favorite_ memories was probably the time she’d invited a study group over for finals, and he’d cooked dinner for them. (He knew from experience how few home-cooked meals college students got, and Rey had been teaching him.) After everyone had gone, Rey had halted his efforts to wash dishes and dropped to her knees in front of him, showing her gratitude with something they’d only tried a handful of times before.

* * *

He’d found out pretty quickly after they’d moved in together that Rey had a thing for his glasses.

“I guess I’m into sexy librarians,” she’d said. And then she’d tilted her head and examined him with narrowed eyes. “You’re not interested in roleplaying hot teacher and naughty schoolgirl, are you?”

He’d rolled his eyes and considered for a moment before answering her. “Maybe in a few years.”

“Too soon?”

He’d nodded, apologetic. “Too soon.”

“But we can totally do sexy librarian, right?”

He’d sighed, not nearly as put out as he’d pretended to be, and nodded.

* * *

Poe and Finn were the first of Rey’s friends to arrive for the cookout, and they brought armfuls of water guns. Rey helped them fill up at the backyard faucet, the three of them laughing and talking freely as Ben’s uncles surrounded the grill with platters of uncooked meat and vegetables.

Finn had gone to the same college as Poe, so it was Poe who’d seen Finn through his breakup with Rose.

It had been a practical breakup, and both Finn and Rose had been bracing for it, but Rey could tell at the time that it didn't make either of them happy.

Poe had gotten Finn to join him around campus, introduced him to new people and helped distract him. Rey appreciated that Poe had been there for Finn when she couldn't be, so she wasn't _too_ put out when Finn told her Poe had become one of his best friends.

“You can have more than one best friend,” Finn had informed Rey easily after he'd told her all of this in the hammock in Leia’s backyard. “I’m not replacing you, I’m just… amending my friendship status.”

“I guess that’s okay. So long as I’m still your _best_ best friend.”

Finn had grinned and offered her his pinkie, which she hooked hers through. “Pinkie swear.”

Despite her gratitude, things between Rey and Poe weren’t as easy as they’d been in high school. They talked and laughed, but Poe kept himself a little distant, talking more and laughing easier with their other friends.

At least he didn't seem to hate Ben anymore. Or, if he did, he hid it well.

She guessed Finn had a lot to do with that.

Poe and Ben _did_ avoid each other, though. If they had to be in the same room, they didn’t interact, and if they had to speak, it was short and to the point. Not aggressive, thankfully, but polite to the point of impersonal. Like they were strangers.

She supposed it was the best she was going to get. As Ben had pointed out when she first mentioned it, she couldn’t make everyone get along and like each other.

Kaydel had taken a while to warm back up to Ben, too. Even though Thomas had forgiven him, Kaydel had kept her distance for a while. Rey understood, though it seemed to make Ben quieter than normal. Ben had threatened Thomas before Thomas and Kaydel sparked, but Kaydel still observed her soulmate and former teacher with caution, thawing slowly as she saw that the two men liked and respected each other.

He’d never said as much, but Rey thought Ben considered Thomas a friend.

Ben, she’d noticed, gravitated toward quiet, calming people. He didn’t act the way Rey did with _her_ friends, chatting and laughing and being generally noisy. It was one of the things she liked about going home to him every night. He steadied her and let her recharge, let her relax and lean lazily against him while she did her reading assignments, while he focused on a book or his laptop. Easy, casual, everyday intimacies.

* * *

Rose arrived out of nowhere while they were filling water guns, and Rey threw her arms around her, squealing. Poe grabbed Rose into a hug, but the greeting between Rose and Finn was a little more awkward, with blushing smiles and obvious embarrassment.

Rey looked over at the patio to see Ben greeting Paige Tico with one of his rare genuine smiles, and the two spoke, a respectable buffer of several feet between them. Close enough to talk, but far enough that no one got the wrong impression.

That _Rey_ didn’t get the wrong impression.

Because, of course, Ben was careful around Paige for _her_ sake, even though she hadn’t asked him to be.

Rey had felt awful when he’d first asked if it would bother her if he was friends with Paige.

He’d asked her _permission_.

It had brought her up short because of course she trusted him, and she trusted Paige. It didn’t mean she was immune to jealousy (she’d given him a picture of herself to tape up in his plane for lessons so his female students would know he was taken), but if she dictated his friends… what precedent did that set?

So she’d informed him firmly that she wasn’t going to tell him who he could and couldn’t be friends with, and Ben had extracted a promise that she let him know if something _did_ bother her so they could talk about it.

Still, he never touched Paige or lingered too close, and even though he wasn’t much for touching others in the first place, she knew he was extra careful around Paige for Rey's sake.

She hadn’t asked him to do it.

He just had.

And she was almost embarrassed by how grateful she was.

* * *

“How’s the wedding planning going?”

Ben pulled a face and invited Paige to sit with a gesture, sitting in the chair beside her and crossing one leg over the opposite knee. “My mother wants formal, and Rey does not.”

Almost from the first, he and Rey had treated marriage like it was inevitable, a fact of life. It hadn't come up much, especially not in their first year together, but, when it had, he'd gotten a little thrill that they were on the same wavelength.

But of course, his mother wanted to pull out all the stops, make it an _event_ , and Rey wanted to be surrounded by nature and sunshine in a dress from a consignment store or sales rack or somewhere equally inexpensive.

She and his mom had been arguing invitation fonts just that morning.

_Fonts._

What the hell did the font matter?

The stress must have shown on his face, because Paige’s eyes crinkled with sympathy. “Let Rey know that Rose and I will help any way we can.”

Ben nodded, one side of his mouth turning up. “We appreciate it.” Rey had picked the Tico sisters as bridesmaids, as well as Lusica, and Finn was her Person of Honor. Ben had filled in his side with his dad and uncles because he’d been told he had to keep the numbers even.

The patio door _shucked_ open and Ben heard his dad call something back inside before walking over and clapping a hand on Ben’s shoulder.

“Long time no see, kid.”

Ben tilted his head back so he could see Han. “I saw you this morning.” He raised a mild brow. “You weren’t wearing pants.”

Han rolled his eyes. “A man doesn’t have to wear pants in his own house.” Then he looked at Paige and had the decency to turn a little pink. “I had boxers on,” he told her. “This one’s just too picky.” He cuffed Ben lightly.

Paige nodded, her face somber but eyes bright with suppressed laughter.

“You know,” said Han cheerfully, pulling up a chair, “Lando gave me some great ideas for your bachelor party.”

Ben groaned and covered his face with his hands. “Why did I ask you to be best man?”

“Because I’m the best,” his dad told him easily. He counted out ideas on his fingers as he spoke. “We could head to a casino, or go bar hopping, or go to a strip club, or brave the wild outdoors, or—”

“None.” Ben made a sharp negative motion. “ _None_ of those things.” He rubbed a hand over his face and grimaced. “I’m going to have to ask Rey to save me from my own bachelor party, aren’t I?”

Although she might have to endure her bachelorette party at the same time, and that would make it harder for her to escape.

He definitely needed more than one contingency plan if he wanted to avoid the _immense_ discomfort of going to a strip club or somewhere equally awkward with his _father_ and _uncles_.

Perhaps he could call Thomas, if Rey wasn’t available. Thomas would certainly understand, having gone through all of this already. He and Kaydel had only waited until the summer after their freshman year because they didn’t think they could get their families together on shorter notice — especially Thomas’ people overseas.

Surely Ben wasn’t the only groom to ever consider all the ways he might escape his own bachelor party. _Surely_.

Han winked at Paige, and Ben scowled at him. “You’re messing with me,” he accused.

“Only a little,” Han said, still laughing.

“I don’t even want a bachelor party,” Ben grumbled.

“You’re getting one,” Han insisted. “At the very least, you’re gonna have a beer with your old man.”

That didn’t sound too bad, which he reluctantly admitted.

“Maybe a card game. Some steaks on the grill. I’ll even make Lando promise not to cheat.”

Lando, where he was drinking with Chewie and Luke by the grill, called, “I make no such promise!”

Ben nodded absently, looking out at Rey where she stood catching up with Rose.

“How’s work?” he asked Paige.

The last few times they’d seen each other, Paige had told him a little about her job as an administrative assistant. When she’d graduated, moved back home, and started working, Rose had wanted to transfer to a nearby college to stay close to her, but Paige had insisted that Rose not compromise her education, and now they just had one more year apart.

At least Ben would still get to see Rey every day, even if she’d be busier than ever with her senior projects. She had two of them because she’d taken a double major, Math and Mechanical Engineering, in addition to her work on CalTech’s robotics team. Ben thought she was the best on the team, but Rey had only laughed and called him biased. He’d agreed because he _was_ biased, and he wasn’t ashamed of it.

He talked with Paige until Jessika Pava arrived, followed soon after by Dopheld Mitaka, and Ben felt both amused and sad when Mitaka greeted him nervously, clearly still uncomfortable that Ben had once been a teacher.

Mitaka had gotten into MIT.

Rey had waved it off when Ben asked if she was okay, but he’d been concerned anyway. She was happy at CalTech, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t sting when someone she else got into her dream college.

“Really,” she’d assured him, rising onto her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “I’m fine. I’m happy for Dopheld.”

She and Mitaka had been a touch awkward the first time they saw each other after the news broke, but it had only taken the space of a hug to smooth everything over.

He watched her now with her friends, pleased by how relaxed she looked. She’d been so stressed this last semester, piling on her workload so her final year wouldn’t be overwhelming, and it eased his own heart to see her so happy.

* * *

“Where’s my boss bitch?!”

“Christ,” Ben muttered as Rey darted across the grass to fling herself into the shorter girl’s arms, hugging her fiercely before letting go so she could hug Kaydel and Thomas.

Lusica bounded over with a singsong, “Benny!”

He held up a finger. “No.”

She planted her hands on her hips, that irritating smile still beaming. “Don’t be a spoilsport, Bennikins.”

“I’ll take a hug,” Han said, standing to give the brunette a fatherly squeeze. Ben huffed. His dad had a soft spot for Lusica, probably because their personalities were so alike, but he definitely took far too much pleasure in how easily she got under Ben’s skin.

Lusica patted Han’s stomach as they separated. “Have you lost weight? Lookin’ good, big guy!”

“Naturally.” His dad grinned his most charming grin, and Ben looked at Paige, who was doing that laughing thing with her eyes.

“It’s not funny,” he told her. “It’s horrifying. The man is old enough to be her grandfather.”

“I’m laughing at you, not them,” Paige murmured, the smile making its way to her mouth.

Ben sighed. “Judas.” He pushed himself out of his chair. “Okay, come on. Let’s get it over with.”

Lusica threw her arms around Ben’s waist and rubbed her face against his chest with _way_ too much vigor. He patted her on the back twice, then pushed her away by her shoulders while she tried to cling. “Okay, stop.”

She let go and looked over her shoulder at Rey. “He’s working out again! I can tell!”

Ben spread both hands over his face and groaned. “I hate you so much.” Lusica laughed, and he dropped his hands, pointing at her as he returned to his seat. “This counts for the entire year, by the way. Your hug quota is full.”

Lusica clasped her hands in front of her chest. “I will cherish the memory and live it over and over and over again until next time.”

He winced. “Please don’t.”

Lusica laughed and bounced away, leaving everyone smiling but Ben.

“I like that girl,” Han chuckled.

“I know you do,” Ben sighed.

“Pretty, nice, and annoys the hell out of you. What’s there not to like?”

Ben deadpanned, “Thanks,” and startled at the sound of Paige laughing. She didn’t laugh out loud that often, and it was usually Rose who got it out of her.

Paige shook her head, still grinning. “I’ve missed you guys.” She leaned back in her chair, crossing her legs, and looked at Ben. “Are you two moving back after Rey graduates?”

“We’re going to look for work in the area,” he agreed. “I don’t know how much there is in Rey’s field, but she wants to stay close to family.” After so much time without, he understood why she’d want to be near his parents. He thought she’d be able to find something within a reasonable radius.

A hand wrapping around his made him smile and look up. He knew that hand.

“We’re about to start,” Rey said, leaning close. “You guys wanna join?”

“Sure.” He looked at Paige, who nodded and stood.

Han shook his head. “I’d join, but that wouldn’t be fair to you kids.” He lifted his hand like a gun and blew on the tip. “I’m just too good.”

“Too full of it,” Ben replied, standing and wrapping his arms around Rey. He rested his chin on her shoulder for a moment before he let her lead him by the hand onto the grass and toward the water guns. They joined Thomas and Kaydel, who were holding hands as they walked.

“I can be your shield,” Thomas was gallantly offering. Kaydel beamed.

Rey tugged on Ben’s hand and smiled teasingly up at him. “You gonna be _my_ shield?”

He thought about it for a moment. “No.”

She frowned. “What? Why not?”

He kept his gaze straight ahead. “Because the whole point is to see you in a wet t-shirt.” He raised a pointed brow at her breasts under the thin material of her tank top. She had a bra on, but it wouldn't prevent interesting things from happening if she got cold.

Rey's mouth dropped open, her arms crossed across her chest, and Ben couldn’t help grinning as she laughed and shoved him. She jogged ahead, grabbed a gun, and aimed it straight at him. Ben automatically raised his hands in surrender.

“You’re dead meat,” she said. But she was smiling.

Then she pulled the trigger, and the game began.

* * *

Rey curled up on Ben’s lap after the game, their clothes sodden and his arm casually around her waist while he talked to Luke. She rested her head against his chest and halfway followed their conversation.

When they didn’t have enough water guns to go around, Leia had scrounged up some old balloons so they could bomb each other. Rey would be picking balloon pieces out of the grass once everyone left, but she knew she wouldn’t be doing it alone. Ben would help, even if she didn’t ask.

Her friends were all over the patio and yard, soaked to the skin and laughing while they caught up over Chewie’s barbeque. At least half of them had spread across the country after high school, and it was Rey who made sure they got together when everyone was home for summer. They may have drifted apart, but it still felt like old times when they saw each other.

After this year, though, they would all graduate and find work, and it would be even harder to gather in the same place. Rey’s heart hurt for that future, even though she understood it. They couldn’t be students forever.

She burrowed further against Ben, and he stroked her arm with his hand. They’d become more and more in tune with each other, so she knew that he understood her mood just then. She appreciated that he didn’t call attention to it.

She had told Ben her worries that she wouldn’t see some of her friends again after this summer. She’d cried in his arms, and he’d reminded her that their families were still in the same area, and that she could probably see most of them over the major holidays.

She’d still have to plan and schedule and persuade. She supposed she could get Lusica to help her with that. Lusica seemed more comfortable moving on from old relationships, but she liked planning things, and she had invited Rey and Kaydel on a week-long trip backpacking in Europe their first spring break. Ben had encouraged Rey to go, insisting it would be good for her to have some girl time. She’d hated leaving him behind, but she’d known he’d been right. He’d encouraged her from the first when she started college to make friends and spend time with them, not just him. He’d talked about wanting her to have a real college experience, and she’d been worried for a while that he was trying to push her away again.

They’d talked about that, too, and he’d assured her with his words and his body that he didn’t want her going anywhere. But he’d still been firm about wanting her to spend time with other students and not just him.

Both of them had been fragile after they’d moved and school had started taking up so much of Rey’s time. Rey hadn’t been able to eradicate the underlying fear that her happiness wasn’t permanent, and it hadn’t helped how Ben used to stiffen up when people noticed them in public.

Little by little, they found their footing as a couple, until one day last year Rey had seen some high school kids and had said without thinking, “God, they're so _young_.”

When she’d looked at Ben, he’d been staring at her. Then he’d spread his arms emphatically as if to say, _See?!_

Rey had laughed at the time, but she’d continued to think about it. Even just a few years later, high school kids looked _so_ young. Too young.

It gave her perspective on their past that she hadn’t had before, and she spent a lot of time going over it, thinking of those high school kids and how much older Ben had been than she was now.

It didn’t change the hurts or the mistakes of the past, but Rey understood, finally, what adults meant when they said, “You’ll understand when you’re older.” It had always frustrated her, that line, as if she were too stupid to understand basic concepts, but now she knew… she _hadn’t_ understood. Not fully. Academically, she could grasp any concept, but she hadn’t _felt_ that sort of thing before.

She never would have thought that she’d start to agree with things that had so chafed while her world had been rapidly expanding.

She remembered how it felt, though. She remembered feeling as if no one trusted her. It had _sucked_. And while she didn’t want to make anyone else feel that way, ever, she didn’t know that she never would. It was a disturbing realization, and Rey had fretted over it for a few days before talking to Ben as they walked home from an event on campus.

He’d nodded and frowned and took her hand, taking his time to think once the whole thing was out. Finally, he’d stopped walking and had tilted her face up to his. “You are a kind person. And I don’t think you’ll ever intentionally make someone feel belittled or unheard, no matter what their age.”

“But what if I do?”

He’d squeezed her around the waist and kissed her hair with a sad sigh. “I think that’s just part of growing up. When you’re young enough to be considered a kid but old enough to want to be treated like an adult. You remember how awkward and frustrating it was, and that’s good, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up if you end up adding to that frustration for someone else someday.”

“You added to _my_ frustration,” she’d muttered.

He’d only laughed and dropped a kiss on her lips. “I seem to recall being called ‘patronizing’ and ‘condescending.’”

“Damn right,” she’d muttered without heat.

“Whatever you do,” he’d said with a smile, “you’ll do better than I did.”

“That is not a high bar you’re setting.”

They’d laughed, and Ben had kissed her gently, patiently, _publicly_ — until a passing car had honked at them, and they’d jerked apart.

Ben had glared after the car, but Rey had just slipped her hand into his and tugged his attention back to her.

“Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **My Social Media**
> 
> [Tumblr](https://optimisticsprinkles.tumblr.com/) | [Twitter](https://twitter.com/EABlevins) | [Other Writing](http://eablevins.com/)
> 
> And feel free to subscribe to [my user name](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OptimisticBeth/pseuds/OptimisticBeth) here on AO3 if you want, since I plan to keep falling down the Reylo rabbit hole and already have a bunch of short stories in progress, plus the continuation of Reign.


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